Tag Archive for character

Your Nose Is Growing…& Your Brain Is Declining

Remember what the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio? She said, “A lie keeps growing and growing until it’s as plain as the nose on your face.” A research team from University College London recently observed that a lie also results in a declining response in our brains (Read more in How Lying Takes Our Brain Down a ‘Slippery Slope’). Specifically, they discovered the amygdala, a brain area associated with emotional response, reacted strongly when a person first lied for personal gain. However, with each subsequent lie, the amygdala response declined and the magnitude of the lie increased. In other words, one lie Dancing Marionetteset the person on a slippery slope. With each lie, the person lying experienced smaller and smaller negative emotional reactions in response to the lie. This seemed to allow the person to tell more lies and lies of greater significance. That is one slippery slope I want to keep my family off.  Unlike Pinocchio, I want to keep noses short and brains active in my family by promoting honesty…and here’s how to do it.

  • Model honesty. Whether you are speaking to your spouse, your child, or a friend, speak the truth in love. Our children follow our example more easily than they follow our teaching. So, model honesty.
  • Avoid setting your children up. Don’t ask questions that invite your children to lie, especially if you already know the answer. For instance, if you know your child did not take out the garbage, don’t ask “Did you take the garbage out?” If you already know they broke the dish, don’t ask “Did you break the dish?” Don’t invite the lie. Simply state the truth in love.
  • Reward honesty; discipline the lie. When your children tell the truth, acknowledge their honesty. Let them know how much you value their honesty and respect the courage it takes to state the truth. You may still have to discipline misbehavior. However, even while disciplining misbehavior, you can still acknowledge your children’s honesty. On the other hand, dishonesty may result in further discipline. After all, honesty betrays trust and damages relationship…which brings us to the last tip.
  • Teach the value of honesty. You can do this in a number of ways. Talk about a character in a story or movie and discuss how their honesty or lack of honesty affected them. You can talk to them about their own experiences or their friends’ experience of honesty or dishonesty as well. You may also discuss the role models of honesty such as Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, or other people you know from history or current times.

These four tips can promote honesty in your home…as well as shorter noses and more active brains. So remember, a lie is as plain as the nose on your face. Practice honesty.

The Countercultural Message of Marriage

I wonder what Jesus would say about marriage? Of course He did talk about marriage some. But, imagine if He had thrown a “section on marriage” into the Sermon on the Mount.

newly married couple chasing each other in field“You have heard it said,” Jesus might begin, “That marriage will complete you and make you whole. But I say to you that only your heavenly Father can complete you. Truly, truly, marriage is not a matter of addition in which half a person added to half a person makes a whole person. No, marriage is more like multiplication in which half a person times half a person results in only a quarter of a person.  Truly happy marriages are made up of two people already complete in God. Only one person complete in God with another person complete in God equals one complete marriage.”

“You have heard it said that you will live happily ever after once you’re married. Marriage can bring great joy, even a taste of the kingdom of God.  But, a marriage that brings great joy and happiness is built upon individual growth, character, and sacrifice. Truly I say to you that you will find joy and happiness in your marriage only to the extent you grow in God-like character and willingly make sacrifices to bring joy to your spouse.”

“You have heard it said that marriage, when founded on deep feelings of love, will be easily maintained. But I say to you that marriage is based on commitment. Passion will wax and wane. Intimacy will fluctuate with the seasons of marriage. But commitment will carry you through the difficult times and the low tides. Commitment will bring you through the valleys and lead you to the mountain tops of even greater intimacy and passion. Our Father created marriage and established it upon the principle of lifetime commitment, not the fickleness of human feelings that wax and wane.”

“You have heard it said that commitment in marriage is not necessary for great sex and deep intimacy. But I say to you that only within a committed, intimate marriage can two people stand before one another in total trust and security, willing to expose themselves on the deepest level. Honestly, it is over years of learning about one another that a couple learns how to please, how to touch, how to cherish, how to hold…how to experience deep intimacy and great sex.”

“You have heard it said that marriage will never last. After all, statistics suggest that a large number of marriages end in divorce. What’s going to make mine different? But I say to you again, marriage is founded on commitment. Remaining committed to your marriage involves effort. You must invest in marriage to make it last just as God the Father committed himself to, and invested Himself in, you. That investment is paid in currency of time, service, and affection, all given on a daily basis to your spouse.”

A healthy marriage really is countercultural. It is established on the principles of personal commitment, humility, service, sacrifice, and love. Such a relationship will have a positive impact on your children and leave a lasting impression on all those who have the joy of witnessing a godly marriage, a countercultural love.

Brain Waves, Toddlers, & Moral Development

All parents want to raise children with a strong sense of right and wrong. However, most parents don’t realize how early—surprisingly early—this moral behavior and thought begins. Kids on Victory PodiumJean Decety from the University of Chicago (and his associate, Jason Cowell) demonstrated that parents influence their children’s moral development as early as one year old! He showed a group of 73 toddlers (12-24 months old) two types of animated videos: one in which characters engaged in helping and sharing or one in which characters exhibited pushing, tripping, and shoving behavior. At the same time, they measured the toddlers’ eye movement (gaze) and brain waves. Afterwards, the researchers offered the toddlers a choice of two toys: one representing the “good” animated character or one representing the “bad” character.

What did they discover? First, toddlers looked at and tracked the “good,” pro-social characters longer. They showed more interest in the characters who exhibited positive moral actions. In addition, toddlers experienced different brain wave patterns when witnessing the prosocial behavior and the antisocial behavior.  But, these differences did not impact which toy the toddler chose. There was one factor that differentiated which toy the child reached for, regardless of the length of their gaze at the “good” character or the difference in the brain wave patterns associated with the prosocial/antisocial behavior. An additional distinct brain wave pattern was associated with which toy was chosen. This additional brain wave occurred just after the toddler witnessed the behavior of the animated character and it differentiated which toy the child chose.

Now for the really interesting part! The researchers discovered what may have contributed to that distinct brain wave pattern after reviewing questionnaires completed by parents prior to the research. These questionnaires measured parental values around empathy, justice, and fairness as well as their child’s temperament and demographics. Parental sensitivity to justice distinguished toddlers’ who reached for the “good character” toy from those who reached for the “bad character” toy! In other words, the parents’ values around justice impacted how their children’s brains work and whether their 12-24 month old reached out for the prosocial or antisocial character.

The researchers also gave the toddlers opportunities to share their toys in this experiment. This time, the parents’ ability to take someone else’s perspective influenced their children’s willingness to share, even at 12-24 months of age! So, if you want to raise children with a strong sense of right and wrong, children sensitive to justice, and children willing to share, begin early by:

  1. Cultivating your own sense of justice. Discipline fairly. Do not practice the “Do as I say not as I do” mentality. Instead, set the example of living and accept the just consequences for your behavior. Apologize and ask forgiveness when you make a mistake. Give just rewards for appropriate behavior (which can be as simple as a polite “thankyou” or “I appreciate your help.”). Talk about justice in the community. Read stories together that reveal justice. Cultivate justice in your life.
  2. Practice taking other people’s perspective before reacting to them. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes, your children’s shoes, your neighbors’ shoes and consider the situation from their perspective. Think and talk about the perspective the store clerk, the police officers, or the teacher.

These simple practices will help you raise moral children…and help create a more moral world for your grandchildren.

My Spouse an Angel? 4 Ways to Make it True

AngelWifeOne of my Facebook friends posted this pic. I love the proverb written on it: “If a man expects a woman to be an angel in his life, he must first create heaven for her…angels don’t live in hell.” I don’t know about you, but I want to live with an angel. So, I have to ask myself: how can I create heaven for my wife? How can I make my wife feel like an angel? Upon what is heaven built?

  • Heaven is built on honor—treating one another as special, precious, sacred. To create heaven for your wife, treat her with honor. Honor her above all others like a diamond above coal. Constantly think about the character and beauty you adore in your wife. Don’t stop with merely thinking about your admiration of her character and beauty. Let your words and actions communicate love and admiration to your wife. Let your eyes sparkle with delight and adoration when she walks into the room. Speak of her with high praise when you describe her to others.
  • Heaven is built on unfailing trust. To create heaven for your wife, live a life of integrity and faithfulness that will build trust. Let your actions and your speech enhance her sense of security and acceptance. Keep your promises. Be available. Remember: the small, positive moments build trust; so, enjoy playful interactions, simple adventures, joyful moments and moments of sorrow, friendly conversations, and laughter. Work to “keep in tune” with your wife’s emotions. Comfort her when she needs comforted. Rejoice with her when she rejoices. Rest with her when she needs rest. Join with her in life.
  • Heaven is built on servanthood. To create heaven for your wife, become a servant in your marriage. Serve your wife by listening to her and accepting her influence. Serve her by cooking dinner, washing clothes, or running the vacuum. Serve her by asking what she would like you to do to help her. Become the leader of servanthood in your home.
  • Heaven is built on sacrifice. Jesus willingly became the Sacrifice for our sin, a sacrifice that brought peace between man and God. Sacrifice opens the doors to heaven. To create heaven in your home, become a leader in sacrifice. Make small sacrifices like giving up the TV remote, giving away the last cookie, giving up your seat for your wife, giving up “the game” to take a walk…you get the idea. You may also make bigger sacrifices like giving up your music to listen to her music in the car, giving up time on your project to do what she desires, giving up the adventure movie to watch a “chick flick” followed by the emotional discussion of the movie…. You know what would prove a heavenly sacrifice in your home. And, you know that your sacrifice will produce greater security and open the doors for heaven in your home.

 

“Expect your wife to be an angel in your life”? Start creating heaven in your home. Build your home and marriage on honor, integrity and trust, servanthood, and sacrifice. Believe me, you will live with an angel…and you will get a taste of heaven on earth!

Become the Catalyst for an Honorable Family

I often speak about honoring one another in the family. However, it is just as important (maybe more important) to become a person your family can honor. In fact, if we do not become a person worthy of honor, we set the whole family up for trouble. Consider what happened in Noah’s family when he acted dishonorably. Noah was a great man; but, after the flood he got drunk, a passed-out-laying-in-his-tent-naked-drunk. His son, Ham, found familysunhearthim, saw his father’s shame, and exposed his father’s dishonor by telling his brothers about his “find.” Noah had acted dishonorably by getting drunk. Ham had acted dishonorably by spreading the news of his father’s shame. These dishonorable acts ultimately resulted in Ham’s descendants living in servitude to their cousins (Genesis 9:25). The dishonorable actions of a father opened the door for his son to act dishonorably and for generations to live under the consequences of dishonor. Imagine the weight of that burden on Noah. You can avoid this heavy consequence by becoming a person of honor.  Here are several traits a person of honor exhibits. Read them carefully and start living a life of honor today…for your family’s sake!

  1. A person worthy of honor is humble. We admire a humble person. A humble person listens and accepts correction, allowing him to grow in character. He believes that others have important contributions to make and, as a result, listens carefully and takes those contributions to heart.
  2. A person worthy of honor is gracious. A gracious person gives his time and energy to help and support those around him. A gracious person forgives. He accepts that others make mistakes and patiently corrects misunderstandings. A gracious person accepts others in spite of any mistakes or misunderstandings. A gracious person is a person worthy of honor.
  3. A person worthy of honor shows kindness to others. A person of honor does not need a bumper sticker proclaiming “random acts of kindness.” Everyone around him observes his kindness and receives the benefits of his kindness. Acting in kindness is second nature to him. He loves to hold the door open for others, allow others to go first in traffic, or speak words of encouragement to the downhearted. Kindness is his modus operandi.
  4. A person worthy of honor accepts correction and discipline. An honorable person humbly accepts his own shortcomings. He realizes his imperfection and admits his mistakes. As a result, he not only accepts but cherishes the correction of others. He realizes that correction helps him grow and become a more honorable person.
  5. A person worthy of honor speaks the truth. We know we can trust the word of an honorable person. He does not tell even white lies. You can completely trust the person of honor because he has no hidden agendas. He lovingly speaks the truth.
  6. A person worthy of honor keeps his word. His “yes” is “yes” and his “no” is “no.” When an honorable person promises to do something for you, you know it will get done. He does not make idle promises or promises he cannot keep. This adds to our willingness to trust a person of honor.
  7. A person worthy of honor works to provide for himself and his family. An honorable person does not trick others to make a gain. He does not connive and conspire to get ahead. Instead, he works hard. He works hard in response to his love for family. He works hard so no one has to carry the burden of caring for his needs. He works hard for the joy of helping others in their time of need.
  8. A person worthy of honor is generous. An honorable person gives to others with no expectation of return. He gives simply for the joy of giving. This does not mean he gives frivolously. He shares from his abundance with those who have need; but, he does so wisely, as a good steward. He not only shares his material wealth, but he shares his time and effort as well.
  9. A person of honor stands firm in his beliefs. He is not easily swayed. You know where he stands and what he believes. There is no guessing or fear about what he believes or how he will act. He is open and firm. Although he stands firm in his beliefs, he does not become rude. Instead, he remains firm in a loving and polite manner.

 

To build a family of honor, become a person of honor. Practice these nine attributes to become a person of honor. Your family will honor you and thank you…and you will enjoy the benefits of an honor filled family for generations to come.

A Family Night to Share Kindness

We all want our children to learn kindness; so, we model and teach kindness every opportunity we get.

Hispanic family making Christmas cardsWe also want our family to grow stronger and more intimate. So, we share intimate times and grow stronger family ties.

This Family Fun Night activity can help you accomplish both goals (raising kind children and growing stronger family ties) while having fun! It provides an opportunity to gather the whole family together for a project utilizing everyone’s imagination and creativity. It allows the whole family an opportunity to show kindness to as many people as desired. And, all it takes is some cardstock, scissors, glue, and creativity. That’s right…this is a Family Fun Night making homemade cards. You can make cards for any occasion—thank you cards, funny cards, serious cards, thinking of you cards, encouragement cards, get well soon cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards, etc. You can even make cards for unique holidays like “Pi Day” or “I Forgot Day”.  Be as creative as you want with the cards. While you make your cards, admire your ideas. Laugh at one another’s jokes as you put them on the cards. Talk about the people who deserve a special card. When all is said and done, you will have a stack of cards to use on any occasions. People love to receive cards in the mail. So, take your stack of cards and practice kindness by mailing them out to whoever you want…at any time you like. In fact, why not send out one or two cards today? Send them out just to celebrate your family fun night of card making.

We’re Drowning Our Kids

A paper published by the Making Caring Common Project reports that 48% of the 10,000 students they surveyed ranked achievement as their top priority, 30% ranked happiness as their top priority, and only 22% ranked caring as their top priority. A full 78% ranked personal achievement or personal happiness above caring! In addition, 60% rescuerthought hard-work more important than kindness. Don’t get me wrong, achievement and hard work are important. But, do we want to raise a generation of people who place achievement and hard work above kindness and caring? Such a generation would agree with this statement taken from the study: “I’m prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.” Such a generation will exhibit less empathy, less willingness to help a person in need, and more willingness to cheat for the good grade or promotion. Even more disturbing, the youth in this study seemed to “value caring for others less as they aged.” The older the youth, the more likely they were to prioritize personal happiness above caring and achievement.

 

How has this happened? How have we created a generation more invested in personal happiness and achievement than in developing a kind and caring reputation? Parents and teachers want to raise a generation of kind caring youth; but, our message seems to have been lost in translation somehow. Perhaps our messages about happiness and achievement have “drowned out the messages about caring, ethical behavior. Instead of a steady stream of messages promoting kindness and caring, we are drowning our kids under a steady stream of messages promoting personal happiness and personal achievement. At times, we may communicate this message unknowingly or even with good intention. Nonetheless, we still drown out our children’s caring, ethical desires with words and actions like the following:

  • Harassing the sport’s coach to get our children more play time.
  • Campaigning for our children to get a larger role in the school play.
  • Allowing our children to quit a team activity mid-season without considering their obligation to the team or drop out of an activity because they did not get the part they wanted.
  • Not encouraging our children to reach out to the friendless child, the oddball, or the outcast at school.
  • Allowing our children to talk too much, monopolizing conversation with peers and adults.
  • Allowing our children to “fudge” on the community service experiences they list on their college applications.
  • Writing too much of a child’s paper or doing too much of their project.

 

We could add more to the list, but you get the idea. Our actions often communicate a higher priority on achievement and personal happiness and less of a priority on kindness, thinking about the other person, and caring. If we want to raise a generation of caring, ethical youth, we need to “tweak” the messages we communicate. We need to assure our words and actions reveal a priority of kindness and caring. We need to let our children know one reason we work hard is to gain the resources to help others, including them. We need to communicate, through our words and actions, that kindness, not simply achievement, results in happiness and the greatest achievement is found in connecting with others through caring. We need to accept that parenting is a “moral task…” and it is high time we take that task seriously!

I’m Afraid to Discipline

I was speaking to a young father about parenting and discipline. He knew his children often misbehaved even when he was present; and, he wanted to learn how to “be a fun guy” while remaining an authority. As we spoke, he made a telling statement. “I have a Disobedient boyproblem being stern,” he said.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’m afraid my kids will get mad and not like me anymore. They need my love more than my discipline anyway, right?”

 

This young father verbalized something many parents believe and feel but fear to say. Discipline is hard work. It takes effort. It can easily arouse our fears and insecurities. Here are a couple of fears we might experience as we discipline our children.

  • The fear that our children will get mad at us and, as a result of that anger, our relationship with them will somehow be damaged.
  • The fear that our children will rebel even more because we have set a firm limit on certain behaviors.
  • The fear that our children will no longer like us and we will “lose them.”
  • The fear that our children will not recognize how much we love them.
  • The fear of experiencing our own emotional pain when we witness our children in distress and discomfort, even if discipline is deserved.

 

If we allow these fears to control our parenting, we have abdicated our parental authority and influence. We have relinquished our authority to guide our children. We have renounced our influence to help our children learn what is right and wrong. We have abandoned our children to make life decisions for which they lack sufficient experience and knowledge. We vacated our role as an authority to constrain their dangerous behaviors and protect them from negative influences. We have lost the opportunity to help our children struggle with life values and beliefs. We have surrendered, bailed out, left our children high and dry with little to no protection or guidance.  Our children will ultimately realize that vacuum that we have left unfilled and seek out a way to fill it with the opinions and beliefs of peers, other adults who may hold different values than we do, or misguided behaviors that will make them feel accepted by someone. Ultimately, they recognize our fear to discipline as a lack of love.

 

A loving parent does discipline. Loving parents risk their children’s anger and endure personal discomfort in order to guide them toward values that can create a healthy and happy future. When you think about it, really good parents love their children too much to not offer stern discipline when necessary. After all,…

  • Stern discipline is one part of our expression of love.
  • Stern discipline protects our children and teaches them to protect themselves.
  • Stern discipline helps our children determine and internalize personal values and beliefs that can bring true happiness. We, as parents, become the sounding board, the “other side of the debate,” during their internal struggle to determine personal values and beliefs.
  • Stern discipline strengthens our relationship with our children. It allows them to see us as authentic people of integrity. They will observe our struggle to discipline while we continue to stand for what we believe is right behavior and interactions. And, our children will respect us for that.

 

Without stern discipline, I am afraid our children will wander down the path to self-destruction, addiction, disrespect, and arrogant opposition to authority. Of course stern discipline must be balanced with love and acceptance, listening and understanding, grace and respect. Nonetheless, without stern discipline, our love has fallen short…and the consequences are dire.

Dear Children, The Real Reason I Make You Do Chores

Children, sometimes I ask you to help around the house or in the yard. Sometimes I may even expect you to do quite a bit. So, I feel as though I need to tell you the real reason I expect you to do chores. Contrary to what you might think, it is not so I can enjoy the fruits of child labor or sit in my chair watching the game while you do all the work. No, my main reason for making you do chores is much more personal. One reason I make you do chores is revealed in a study completed in 2003 by M. Rossman at the University of Minnesota. This study suggested that the best predictor of a person’s success in their mid-Mother And Son Doing Laundrytwenties is participating in household chores starting around three or four years of age. Success in this study included not using drugs, completing their education, starting their career, and having high quality relationships. I want you to have those things…and if chores will help, I want you to do chores. But, that is not my main reason.

 

There are other reasons I make you do chores. Chores teach us to wait for and work for good things rather than jump at the first thing that comes along. Learning to help with household chores teaches many life skills as well…skills like dusting, vacuuming, cleaning, keeping a neat home, how to do laundry, hot wo maintain a year.  Knowing how to do these tasks will make you more independent and reliable. As much as I hate to see you grow up and leave home, I want you to have all these skills before you go. But, this is still not my main reason for making you do chores.

 

You have to admit, after we finish mowing, weeding, and trimming the yard (or picking up, dusting, and vacuuming the living room) it is nice to sit back and look at our work. Chores give us that opportunity…the opportunity to feel good about work we complete and completed well. I want you to have that experience and take it with you wherever you go. That sense of competence and achievement will help you develop a strong work ethic and lead to greater success at work and in relationships. As important as this is, it is still not my main reason for making you do chores.

 

My main reason for making you do chores is much more personal. I make you do chores because…I love you. You are part of our family. As a family, we work as a team to keep our household running smoothly. In all reality, I cannot do it alone. I need you. I want you to know you are a valued member of our family. We need your strength, your insight, and your participation. We need you. Your contribution to our family is irreplaceable. And, I enjoy working with you. I enjoy our time together, talking as we work—sharing the burden, laughing as we struggle through an obstacle. Having you work by my side makes everything go by quicker and seam easier. So thank you. Thank you for helping with the household chores. When you start your own family, I hope you will look back on our projects with joy and give your children the same opportunities to groan and complain while you love them, nurture them, and cherish your time doing chores with them.

Make Your Child “a Head Taller Than Himself”

I enjoy learning about and teaching child development. Recently I read that “in play a child becomes a ‘head taller than himself.'” Most people probably do not use the phrase “a head taller than himself.” I had to think about what that meant; and, as I read the example, I children playrealized it means a child is “beyond his years” or “mature for his age.” Play enables a child to go beyond his years in maturity, to engage in mature behavior expected of someone older than him. I don’t know about you, but I want my child to become “a head taller than himself” (well, herself in my case because I have daughters). Although play enables a child to grow “beyond his  years,” not just any play will do. Video games won’t do it. No, the play that helps a child to become “a head taller than himself” is imaginative, dramatic play…the kind of play in which a child takes on and acts out an imaginary role. Preschoolers do it when playing house, teacher, princess, or cops and robbers. This kind of play becomes the first activity in which children must control their impulses and resist the urge to instantly gratify their own desires. It becomes an activity in which children follow the rules of the character in a story line they first had to develop. A study completed in the 1940’s supported play’s role in helping children grow beyond their years. In this study, researchers asked 3-, 5-, and 7-year-olds to stand still. Not surprisingly, the 3-year-olds had difficulty standing still for any length of time. The 5-year-olds stood still about four minutes and the 7-year-olds could stand still for over 10 minutes. However, when 5-year-olds were asked to play the role of a “lookout” by remaining at their posts and not moving, they were able to stand still for as long as 12-minutes! Their ability to control their impulses and self-regulate their behaviors during this role playing activity had become “a head taller than themselves,” making them look more like 7-year-olds.

 

Interestingly, this study was repeated in 2004 and the children in the 2004 study were actually “a head below” the children of the 1940 study. The 7-year-olds of 2004 exhibited self-regulation and impulse control skills that looked more like the 5-year-olds of the 1940’s…and the 5-year-olds of 2004 appeared more like the 3-year-olds of the 1940’s in impulse control and self-regulation. Sadly, the children of 2004 did not engage in the same level of imaginative, dramatic play of the children from the 1940’s. They spent their time in adult organized activities and video games, limiting the time they had to engage in dramatic, imaginative play and the skills we learn in that play. They missed out on the creative planning and role playing that would put them “a head taller than themselves.”

 

Perhaps we need to take a lesson from the comparison of these two studies. Our children need time to engage in dramatic play. Dramatic play gives them the opportunity to plan out an activity, develop roles, and then act within the boundaries of that role. It provides them the opportunity to practice self-regulation and impulse skills as part of their mutually agreed upon story line. This translates into less “blurting out answers” in the classroom, less “striking out at others” in anger, more “thinking” before acting, and a greater ability to problem-solve with others, among other things. In other words, dramatic, make-believe play helps our children become “a head taller than themselves.” So I say, “Let the children play!”

« Older Entries Recent Entries »