Tag Archive for healthy development

Don’t Forget to Teach This to Your Children

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Our children need to learn many skills in order to move successfully into adulthood. Perhaps the most important skills have more to do with how they think than what they do. For instance, how they view themselves will play a bigger role in their success than their ability to throw a ball, dance, or do the laundry. One important aspect of how our children learn to view themselves has to do with their beliefs around power. For instance, children who develop a strong sense of self-efficacy (a belief that they have the ability and capacity to successfully complete tasks and achieve) challenge themselves more, put more effort into those challenging tasks, and focus on how to make improvement when they fall short. As you can imagine, this leads to greater success and greater joy in life.

How can you help your children develop a sense of self-efficacy? I’m glad you asked.

  • Provide your children with opportunities to try new things. Encourage them to try things they are not immediately good at. Children have an amazing ability to learn simply through exposure. They don’t have to become experts to gain some knowledge and learn that they have power to influence and learn in many areas.
  • Praise specifics. Rather than providing broad sweeping praises like “Great job” or “You’re a good boy,” praise specific aspects of the job well done. “I really like the colors you used. How did you choose those colors?” “I can tell you’ve been practicing dribbling the ball. You got down field so well this game.” Such specifics point out how effort produces improvement and highlights your children’s experience of “getting it right.”
  • Turn failures and mistakes into learning opportunities. Corrections do not need to be harsh or overly critical. Let mistakes become opportunities for improvement. This will begin by empathizing with any feelings they have about the “failure.” Listen. Understood. Weep with those who weep and be sorrowful with those who are sorrowful. Then, after they know you understand and empathize, begin to explore how they might avoid the same mistake next time. You might ask how they think they might improve or what their teachers/coaches have suggested. You might even teach them from your own experience of learning from “failures.” Just be sure to follow their pace in the process.
  • Part of learning from mistakes is recognizing strategies. Point out strategies that have helped them or others. For instance, pointing out how studying helped them do well on a test might sound like, “You did great on this test. I’m not surprised because I know you studied hard for it.” When they improve their ability to throw a curve ball or their time in a 100-yard dash, a simple “Your practice and hard work are really paying off” points out the strategy of effort contributing to progress.
  • Perhaps the most important action you can take to teach your children self-efficacy is nurture a strong, trusting relationship with your child. Your relationship with your child will impact everything they learn. It is the foundation of their learning and the safe space for their learning. Spend time with your child. Build a strong, trusting relationship with your child.   

These five practices will help your children develop a sense of self-efficacy and that sense of self-efficacy will prove to be one of the most important things you taught them for their life.

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The “Big Little Leap” & All the Leaps That Follow

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Ah…the experience of joy on the first day of kindergarten. I never really understood the parental struggle mixed with pride and joy when “letting go” of children until I dropped mine off for their first days of school. It was the first of many leaps that culminated in dropping them off at college or watching them walk the aisle with their spouse. Still, that first day of kindergarten was a “big little leap” for parent and child. Interesting, research finds that the more successfully a child makes the “leap” (AKA—transitions) into kindergarten (over a 10–14-week period) the higher they score on academic and social-behavioral skills tests at the end of that school year. That doesn’t surprise me. Transitioning easily leaves more time and more mental and emotional space to learn. The real question becomes: how can a parent prepare their children to successfully make that “big little leap” and all the other leaps (AKA-transitions) of life?

The answer to that question does not rest on academic or cognitive training but on relationship security. Children and parents will make the “big little leap” and other life “leaps” more successfully when they have experienced, and continue to experience, secure relationships at home. Having a secure relationship with our children helps them answer a couple of important questions. One question is: “Will you, as my parents, be there for me? Are you available?” A second question asks, “Do you think I’m capable? Am I capable?”

These two questions get answered in the everyday interaction of a parent and child. It begins as our children explore the world around them. As newborns, they simply want us to notice what they notice and match their curiosity with our own, reflecting back to them what they see in an ever-expanding way. “Oh, you see the squirrel. He’s fast isn’t he? Watch how he runs with that acorn in his mouth.” “Here comes the dog. He wants you to pet him. Gentle….” We join them in their experience and expand upon it somewhat, encouraging them to explore more deeply.

As they grow and become increasingly independent, they need us to allow them the freedom to explore in a more independent fashion. While they do, they need us to delight in their exploration by noticing what they notice and becoming excited and curious about things that arouse their curiosity. They need us to allow them the freedom to explore independently rather than hover in an overprotective way.

During their independent exploration, our children may experience times of stress and look to us for assurance. At those times, they need us to look at them with delight and confidence as they prepare for their “new venture.” For instance, the first time our child approaches a slide in the park they may look up the ladder and experience nervousness and doubt. They look to us to see our response. If we look with delight and confidence, they are empowered. They climb the ladder and “enjoy the ride.” However, if we look distressed or concerned for some reason, they will likely forego the slide and come to our side to confirm their own security.

This scenario will happen time and time again in all types of situations, like setting the table, joining a group, playing a game, getting on a slide, riding a bike, and so on. Each time, they find the answer to their questions: “Are you available to me?” and “Am I capable?” Each time these questions are answered in a positive way, security is enhanced. They being to internalize important messages:

  • My parents are available to help me and so there are helpers in the world.
  • I can manage my emotions whether they be joy or sorrow, courage or fear, and if I struggle, there are supports to help me.
  • I can take appropriate risks. I know my limitations and how to risk in a healthy way.
  • I am safe.

With these beliefs in place, the “big little leap” has a greater chance of success and just adds another layer of support for those beliefs. In fact, with each leap, parent and child grow more confident and trusting of one another. With that confidence comes greater joy and greater success. Isn’t that what we want for our children? Sure, letting go is hard…but watching them grow into amazing young adults is well worth the “leap.”

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The Starter Ingredients of a Healthy Marriage

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Marriages require at least two basic ingredients added in the right order at the start. The first ingredient is dedication. That makes sense, doesn’t it? After all, if we desire to find success in any enterprise, we must dedicate time and energy into creating that success. In marriage, dedicating our time and energy means moving from “me” to a “we” and an “us.” We don’t simply move to an “us in the moment” either, but an “us with a future.” In practical terms this means placing a greater priority on our relationship than our individual self. We express our desire to remain an “us” by investing time together to build our relationship with our spouse. We willingly serve our spouse because we love them and are dedicated to their happiness. We forgive minor offenses because we are dedicated to a future together and have already seen the joys of our time together. We recognize that our love can continue to grow, and our intimacy continue to deepen, so we willingly make sacrifices, some small and some large, for one another.    

Dedication is supported by a second ingredient: constraint. Constraints are the bonds that naturally grow in relationships and make it more difficult to separate. For instance, when a couple announces to their friends that they are in an exclusive relationship, they have taken on a constraint. To break up after that announcement requires explaining to additional people and forcing those people into the awkward position of caring for (and possibly choosing between) both parties in a painful situation. Another constraint is buying a house (or getting a dog or buying a car) together. Joint ownership adds a layer of complication to separating as you have to negotiate how to “divey up the goods.”  Of course, having children adds another layer of constraint. As you can see, constraints arise naturally.

When dedication is strong, naturally arising constraints simply serve to strengthen an already strong relationship. However, without dedication, constraint begins to feel like a prison, an inescapable trap. This brings up a third surprising ingredient: timing. Ideally, a couple begins to build dedication before constraint, commitment before accepting the constraints of moving in together or having a baby together, for example. If a couple “slips” into a relationship through constraints, the relationship begins to feel like a trap. For instance, some couples move in together for convenience rather than dedication—it’s closer to work, a way to save money, an experiment to see if “we want to dedicate.” Such situations, often made without consideration to the level of dedication in the relationship, result in ambiguity, dissatisfaction, and even resentment. If constraints arise without dedication, the relationship eventually suffers. With that in mind, it becomes important for couples to clearly communicate their level of dedication and commitment before adding any level of constraint to their relationship. Your long-term happiness depends on it.

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The Key to Emotional Health in Adolescence

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Adolescence is a time of challenge and opportunity, a time of growth for parent and child. At times you and your child may feel like pulling your hair out during their adolescent years. And, at other times, you may feel like pulling one another’s hair out. But there is a key that can help nurture health for parent and child during the adolescent years. It’s a key that the parent holds but both parent and teen benefit from it. Psychologists call this key “authoritative parenting.” Several studies have shown authoritative parenting beneficial for raising children. Among other things, studies suggest it promotes a positive self-concept and better self-control in children as well as better relationships between parents and their children. Why? Because it sets health, age-appropriate limits AND it offers warm relationships.

What makes a warm relationship between parent and child? In a warm relationship, parents show delight in their children. They are responsive to their children. Not only do they respond to their children on a consistent basis, but their responses match the children’s needs of the moment. Parents listen, observing their children’s behavior as well as hearing the message behind their words, and respond in a way that communicates understanding and affection. Warm parent-child relationships also involve sharing time together enjoying positive interactions.

In addition to warm relationships, authoritative parenting also involves healthy, age-appropriate limits. Children are not allowed to do whatever they want when they want. Instead, parents establish and enforce limits for their children’s safety and health. These limits help assure predictability and security for their children. Ironically, children more easily explore their world and their interests from the safety of well-established and lovingly enforced limits. Exploration helps them learn and grow. So, in effect, lovingly enforced, age-appropriate limits nurture our children’s ability to learn and grow.

Together, warm parenting combined with healthy, age-appropriate limits make up authoritative parenting, the type of parenting that promotes a healthy adolescence for both parent and adolescent. Know what I like about this? You can learn to practice authoritative parenting. You can practice warmth in your relationship and learn to lovingly enforce healthy limits. Here’s a few basics.

  • Listen intently to your children’s verbal and nonverbal communications. Even their behaviors are communicating something for you to “hear.”
  • Remain responsive to your children’s communications and needs.
  • Establish healthy, age-appropriate limits and lovingly enforce those limits.
  • Show consistency in your responsiveness to your children and in the enforcement of limits.
  • As our children mature, allow the limits to change. Let them become increasingly “in charge” of their own decisions and consequences.
  • Enjoy your maturing adolescent and your relationship with them.
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Middle School & Mental Health…Like Riding a Bike

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If you have a child in middle school or approaching middle school, you’ll want to know this information to help protect their mental health. You already know that middle school is a time of change and transition. Middle school age youth encounter transitions in their physical bodies, their social lives, and their sense of growing independence. With all this transition, it’s no surprise that the middle school years represent potential mental health challenges.

A study involving more than 1,200 students between 11-years-old and 14-years-old found that riding a bike at least three times a week for a minimum of 6 weeks experienced an increase sense of well-being. Each student learned about cycling safety and outdoor bike maneuvering skills. They had fun riding their bike—raising their heart rate and having fun. The benefits of this activity seemed to arise from two things.

  • One, the positive experience and physical activities of riding a bike.
  • Two, the social experience of riding with other people.

I told you that you’d want to know this information if you had a child in middle school or nearing middle school. You can help increase your child’s sense of well-being by helping them learn to ride a bike and start the habit of riding a bike. Maybe they’d enjoy a spin class or simply going out to enjoy a bike ride several times a week. Whatever way your child might enjoy, bike riding may increase your child’s sense of well-being.

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Hope for an Imperfect Parent

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Have you ever felt like an imperfect parent? Maybe even a failure? I know the feeling. I have. But I also have good news. Our children are wise, even from a young age. They don’t need perfect parents. They need parents with a sincere intent to love. To better understand this, imagine a scenario with me.

An adult sits down to show a 24-month-old toddler a toy car. The adult pushes the car until it bumps into a tiny block to the right of the toddler. Nothing happens. Then he pushes the toy car into a block on the toddler’s left. The toy car lights up. The toddler watches as the adult rolls the car back and forth, bumping into the block to the right where nothing happens and the block to the left, where the car lights up. Then he turns the car over to the toddler. The toddler plays with the car but only bumps it into the block on the left, causing the toy car to light up. The toddler only initiates the behavior with the interesting result.

Now imagine an 18-month-old watching a person whose arms are wrapped up in a blanket. The person whose arms are wrapped up is trying to make a box light up, but they can’t move their arms. So, they tap the box with their head and so succeed in lighting up the box. The 18-month-old toddler, whose hands are free, simply reaches out and touches the box with his hand to make it light up. The toddler looked beyond the mere action of the person who “used their head.” He assessed the goal of turning on the light, considered the person’s limitations (arms wrapped up), and then chose the most efficient way to achieve the same end. Our children are wise. (These studies are described in The Gardner and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnick, pages 97-101).

All in all, children are geniuses. They don’t just mimic another person’s behavior. They look beyond the outward appearance of a behavior to assess the intent of the behavior, the goal of the action. They recognize what the person is trying to accomplish and determine the most efficient way to achieve it.

What does this have to do with being an imperfect parent? Our children can look beyond our imperfections and shortcomings to see our deeper intent, our true goals. Our every action does not need to be perfect. Our words and our responses can fall short as long as our motives and intents are sincere and virtuous. Our children will look past our imperfections to see our love, our loving goal for them to become mature, responsible people.

So rather than asking if our every parental action is perfect (because they aren’t and never will be), we need to ask if the intent of our actions and the aim of our behavior are loving and virtuous. We need to ask ourselves:

  • Are we responding to our children from a place of sincere love? Can they see the delight that we have for them in our eyes?
  • Our children’s misbehavior often leads to frustration. Even when frustrated over misbehavior, do we strive to let our discipline flow from a place of grace and love, a desire to teach our children correct behavior versus punishing poor behavior?
  • Watching our children grow and take risks (even the risk of leaving for college) can arouse our fears. Do we let our fears control us or do we continue to act from a place of kindness, vulnerability, and truth? (It is vulnerable to express our fears in a healthy manner.)
  • When our children excitedly tell us about their passions, do we patiently listen from a place of genuine interest or a half-hearted effort to pacify?
  • Do we make it our goal to consistently treat our children with the respect we expect them to show toward us or do we disrespectfully “bark out orders” and ignore their concerns?

We will make mistakes. We are imperfect. But when we approach our children and interact from a place of respect, patience, kindness, and love, our children will look beyond our mistakes and act upon our true intent. They will respond, in the long run, to our love.

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Protect Your Child from the Dangers of Achievement

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Every parent wants their children to succeed. But is that a wise desire? A healthy desire? Don’t get me wrong. Our children need a certain level of achievement so they can make a meaningful contribution to the world around them. But an overemphasis on achievement becomes toxic. In fact, the pressure for academic and career success has become toxic in our society. One survey found that 70% of 28- to- 30-year-olds believed their parents “valued and appreciated” them more if they succeeded in school. A full 50% believed their parents loved them more if they were successful. Those statistics reveal achievement gone awry, an achievement toxic to our children’s health.

In fact, a report from the experts at the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and a report from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine have added “excessive pressure to excel” and “youth in high-achieving schools” to the list of “at-risk youth.” They rank the overemphasis of achievement in our society to be as detrimental to a child’s healthy emotional and mental health as poverty, trauma, discrimination, and parental incarceration. (Learn more in Why Achievement Culture Has Become So Toxic.)

Why has achievement become so toxic? Probably a number of factors contribute, including parents’ legitimate concern for their child’s future. Let’s face it, we (parents) fear for our children’s future economic and reputational future. Society tells us that our children’s future security is based on success in academics, extracurricular activities, and careers. But all the academic, sport, or career achievement does not necessarily bring success in adulthood. And it definitely does not result in happiness or well-being in life. In fact, an overemphasis on achievement increases stress, anxiety, and depression, placing our children in the “at-risk group” for emotional challenges.

What can a parent do to counteract society’s push for overachievement? First, make sure your children know they matter to you and others. As many as one third of adolescents in the U.S. believe (dare I say, “fear”) they do not matter to the people in their communities. They don’t feel heard, celebrated, or delighted in. They fear no one cares enough about them to check in on them when they are sick or simply missing from an activity. Make sure your children know they matter. Check in on them. Learn about their friends, their interests, their fears, their struggles. Celebrate their progress. Acknowledge and celebrate their efforts. Remain actively engaged in their lives.

Second, provide opportunities for them to engage in activities that add meaning to other people’s lives. Such activities can be as simple as mowing the lawn for a shut-in or doing a significant task to maintain the household. Or it may be as complex as volunteering at a homeless shelter, sharing a mission, or becoming active in a social cause. Such activities help our children find their sense of purpose. They help our children discover that they add meaning to other people’s lives through service and seeking the greater good of others.

Third, support their hobbies. Research has discovered that those who engaged in a hobby of interest to them experienced a boost in well-being and a drop in stress and anxiety. Of course, a child’s hobby may also tie in with their purpose. At times, it may even overlap with an “activity that adds meaning to other people’s lives.” Either way, pursuing a hobby boosted well-being and decreased stress and anxiety.

In the long run, what do you really desire for your children? A wall of plaques noting their achievements…or happiness, healthy relationships, and a sense of well-being? Don’t let a goal of achievement become toxic and poison your children, robbing them of happiness, well-being, and healthy relationships. Instead, help them build a life in which they know they matter.

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Satisfy the Hunger and Thirst for Play

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We are born with 100 billion neurons in our brain… and they are hungry to learn. In fact, they thirst for knowledge from the moment we’re born until we pass away. Surprising to some, one of the most powerful ways to feed our brain, to give it the nourishment it needs to grow in knowledge and wisdom, is through play. I’m not talking about adult managed and structured play. No. We’re talking about sensory-experienced play—playing in the mud, splashing water, banging the Tupperware, climbing the tree. This play fills the brain with hands-on, sensory information through touching, hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, and “propriocepting” (Sorry, I made that word up). We’re also talking about imaginary play (which, by the way, often encompasses these senses). Children’s brains not only hunger and thirst for play, but they also thrive on play. They are wired for play. Literally, they need play in order to grow in a healthy way (see Scientist Reveals Essential Activity That Boosts Child’s Brain Development (newsweek.com)). When immersed in sensory, exploratory play and imaginative play, a child’s “brain starts to… light up with joy as connections between neurons make impressive progress,” according to Dr. Jacqueline Harding (Playful Brains: Early Years Play Shapes Children’s Futures – Neuroscience News). They develop neural pathways that can influence them throughout their lives, even into adulthood.

When we minimize our children’s opportunities to play, we hinder their development. Also, when we “forget to play” or stop playing as adults, we hinder our own continued development and brain health. We become like the adult Peter Pan in “Hook,” joylessly bound to the worries and stresses of adult life. The only way to reignite our joy and to express the full depth of our love for our children and spouse is to regain our sense of play (or, as Toodles learned, our happy thoughts and purpose). Our children need the opportunity to play in order to develop in a healthy manner. Our children also need us to play so we can develop our “happy thoughts” of our lives with them. They need us to play so we can continue to develop in a healthy manner with them. Don’t just let the children play. You play as well. In fact, let the children play. Let yourself play. Let the whole family play… and satisfy your brain’s hunger and thirst for play.

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Leaving the Home of Helicopter Parents

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“Helicopter parenting” is characterized by over-involvement, over-protection, and over-control. It contributes to negative results for children, but does that negative impact linger after they leave home for college? One group of researchers decided to find out. They collected demographic data from 505 college students as well as information about the parenting they received growing up and the level of interpersonal conflict they experience in college. In a second round of surveys, they measured the students’ sense of entitlement and their fear of missing out.

The results of this study indicate that students who were raised under “helicopter parents” had more interpersonal conflict with peers. This seemed to stem from an increased sense of entitlement and fear of missing out, which also increased under the tutelage of “helicopter parents.” In other words, “helicopter parenting” contributed to a child feeling entitled. It also contributes to them developing an overestimation of their abilities, an excessive focus on self, and a potential lack of autonomy. Those qualities contribute to greater interpersonal conflict even after they left the nest of the “helicopter parents.” 

So, what can a parent do to avoid the impact of being a “helicopter parent”? Balance the job of parenting to avoid becoming over-protective and over-involved. Strive for balance in your parenting style. For instance,

  • Strive for a balance between involvement with your child and encouraging autonomy in your child. It can prove difficult to “let go,” but the benefits of letting our children and teens practice age-appropriate autonomy are tremendous and lifelong. Provide your children the opportunities to behave in autonomous ways.  
  • Strive for a balance between assisting your child (i.e., making sure they get all their school projects done and are prepared for tests, choosing their clothing or activities) and letting them experience the consequences of their choices. Children learn from the lived consequences of their choices and behaviors. Trust them to manage and learn from those consequences.
  • Strive for a balance between jumping in to save your child from struggling relationships and letting them resolve their own conflicts. Step back and trust your child. Ask if they want help and help if they ask. Let them know you’re “in their corner,” but you trust them to be “in the ring” managing the interactions. They will learn so much when you stay “in their corner” and out of the ring, trusting them to manage their relationships. You might even be surprised at how effectively they do so.
  • Strive for a balance between praising your child for their achievements and acknowledging their effort and choices. Our children learn best when we acknowledge their efforts. This helps them develop a growth mindset which will benefit them throughout their life. Focus on effort, not end product achievement.

There are many other areas in which a parent strives for balance. In fact, parenting often feels like one big balancing act. But the benefits of striving for that balance far outweigh the consequences of over-involvement and over-protection in our children’s lives.

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Boost Your Teen’s Brain Power…But Start Early

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If you want to boost your teen’s brain power, start when they are children, before the time of the teen push for independence. Really, this way of boosting teen brain power is quite simple. Encourage them to read as children. A study of over 10,243 teens found reading for pleasure during childhood contributed to improved verbal learning, memory, speech development, and school academic achievement in the teen years.

Even more, reading for pleasure as a child was associated with fewer signs of stress and depression, improved attention, and fewer incidents of aggression and rule-breaking in teen.

But wait, there’s more. Children who read for pleasure also engaged in less screen time as a teen and slept longer.

The best results were found in those teens who read up to 12 hours a week as a child. That’s about one hour and 43 minutes a day. So, if you want to boost your teens brain power, awaken the joy of reading in them while they are still children. Here’s how to begin.

  • Let your children see you reading for pleasure. Children follow our example. So, let them see you read for pleasure, not just for work. Talk about the fun things you’ve read about or the stories you read. Let them hear you talk about the adventures you enjoy while reading.
  • Read to your children. When they are very young, read simple picture books. As they get older you can read children’s chapter books. Make it a fun time together by engaging them while reading rather than simply reading the page in a monotone voice. Take on the voice of each character. Ask questions about what your child thinks might happen next. React to surprising twists in the plot. Engage the story and your child as you read.
  • As your children begin to read independently, read the same book they are reading. Talk about the book with them. Enjoy sharing your reactions and surprises to the book.
  • Visit the library together. Walk through the stacks of books with your children and discover the joys of what you can learn and read. If your library has reading times, take your child to them.
  • Depending on the kind of book your children enjoy, you can visit the places described in the book. For instance, if your child reads a book about the American revolution and you live near Philadelphia, take a road trip and visit the Liberty Bell. Reading about Walt Disney may lead up to a trip to Disneyland or reading about Martin Luther King may lead up to a trip to Atlanta. You get the idea. Let the books come alive by visiting a place associated with that book.
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