Archive for Honor

Let Them Know

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It seems that listening has become a lost art in our society, even in our marriages and our families. Instead of listening, people seem to focus on asserting their opinion or defending their perspective. In the process, divisiveness deepens, a divisiveness that not only threatens our communities but our marriages and families as well.

Effective communication, on the other hand, is more than simply telling my side of the story or asserting my talking points louder than the other guy. Effective communication happens when people share information and stories, when those on both sides of the conversation feel safe to express themselves AND feel heard and understood by those involved in the conversation. In fact, assuring the other person feels listened to and understood may represent the very foundation on which effective communication is built. This is true in families as well.

How can you make sure the person you’re talking with feels like you have listened, heard, and understood them?

  1. Give the person talking your full attention with the sole purpose of understanding their perspective. Make eye contact. Ask clarifying questions—questions to help you understand their perspective, not questions to “make them think.” In fact, listen as though you are listening to the most important person in your life. In reality, when you’re talking to a family member, they are that important, aren’t they?
  2. Recognize that the person you’re listening to has a valid perspective. There are often multiple ways to view a situation. You may not agree with the other person’s perspective, but there are likely other people who do. And, even if you disagree, you may learn something important from their perspective. Be open. Listen deeply.
  3. Emphasize any areas of agreement you discover. There are likely ideas or values within the other person’s view with which you can agree. Look for those areas of agreement and explicitly acknowledge them.
  4. Restate the other person’s perspective to assure you have truly heard and understood. If they feel you have not quite understood, let them clarify. Set aside your own agenda until you can restate the other person’s viewpoint well enough that they say, “Yes, now you understand.”
  5. Listen to yourself and avoid words that tend to divide. For instance, “but” tends to increase the other person’s defensiveness. “And” does not seem to have the same detrimental impact. Words like “no,” “won’t,” and “don’t” contribute to divisiveness. Focus instead on using positive phrases like “I can see your passion” or “I look at that in a slightly different way.” These phrases take personal responsibility for the beliefs we hold without devaluing the other person.

These practices can be more challenging than they appear, especially in the midst of conflict. However, when you practice them, the other person will feel listened to and understood. They will know you value them and their opinion. More importantly, you will find that you resolve any disagreement more quickly and easily. Won’t that make family disagreements more bearable?

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Jealousy in Love

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I work with several young women who struggle to find healthy romantic relationships. One of the challenges I’ve observed (and these young women have pointed out to me time and again) is that the young men they date often get jealous of their success. The young men become insecure and attempt to control them when the woman is appropriately friendly with others or experiences a level of success or gets a raise or…or really anything that promotes their status. I want to deny this, but I have seen it happen too many times. Jealousy raises its green little head and shatters the relationship. Because of their partner’s insecurity, the young women are faced with the false choice of rising to their full potential or “dumbing it down” so “their guy doesn’t get jealous.” 

On the other hand, according to one of the great passages on love, “love is not jealous.”  Love celebrates the successes of others, girlfriend or spouse included. Love rejoices with the truth of their spouse’s God-given talent and ability. Instead of jealousy over a spouse’s strength and growth:

  • Love celebrates their success with them. Love rejoices with those who rejoice and weeps with those who weep. Enjoy the celebration of your spouse’s strengths and successes.
  • Love recognizes that jealousy is a feeling not an action. Jealousy flows from our own insecurities and inaccurate comparisons. We need not compare our lives to any other person. Each of us has our own strengths and roles. Accept and celebrate the diversity of the people in your life. Rather than allowing jealousy to arise, celebrate the strength of diversity.
  • Love also recognizes jealousy as a sign to address our own insecurities. Life can often arouse feelings of insecurity and insignificance in us. Jealousy signals a need to resolve past issues that have contributed to feelings of insecurity. Take time to work through the past and make any internal changes needed.

Jealousy has interfered with the formation of loving relationships and the stability of loving marriages. Don’t let it destroy your marriage or love. Do the personal work of resolving your past and building your sense of a secure identity so you can rejoice with the successes of your spouse.

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Family, Anger, and the Heart

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Anger…everyone experiences anger. We get angry over so many things. Even those we love can arouse our anger at times. Many times, however, our anger is not a “righteous anger” over some injustice or true wrong but a reflection of our selfishness—things don’t go “my” way, someone interferes with “me” getting what “I” want, or something making “me look bad.” Perhaps it is that selfish aspect of anger that can make it so detrimental to our relational and physical health. It’s true, anger is detrimental to our physical health.

In fact, a study recently compared the impact of sadness, anxiety, and anger on vascular functioning, which impacts heart health. The results of this study revealed that sadness and anxiety did not impact vascular functioning, but anger did. Anger led to an “impairment in blood vessel dilation,” which can increase the risk of heart disease.

Why do I tell you this? Because I know you love your family with all your heart and, as a result, you want to protect your heart and your family’s heart by helping everyone manage anger effectively. Do so begins with you. When you model effective anger management, your spouse and children will likely learn better anger management skills as well. What are these skills?

  • Identifying the thoughts that escalate your “anger cycle.” When you become angry, what thoughts go through your mind? These thoughts will likely follow a pattern, so identify the pattern. Does the pattern of thought involve personalizing? Catastrophizing or generalizing? Blaming? Unrealistic expectations? As you identify these anger promoting thought patterns, write down alternative, yet realistic, thoughts that will help manage your anger, soothe your anger, see the situation in a more realistic manner rather than through the lens of anger. For example, rather than generalizing, make the thought specific. Instead of catastrophizing, let the thought reflect the temporary nature of the situation. If you hold unrealistic expectations, write down realistic expectations.
  • While looking at your “anger cycle,” become aware of what you feel physically as anger escalates. How does your body feel different when you are a little agitated versus angry versus “about to blow”? Where do you first feel anger in your body? How do you recognize anger in your neck, torso, hands, legs, head? Now, practice relaxation exercises for each body part. Learn how you can help that body part relax and “stay calm” in the midst of anger.
  • Breath. Take a deep breath and blow the breath out slowly as if you were blowing through a straw. As you let your breath slowly escape, turn your head to look around the room and notice the details of where you are. You’ll be surprised how much your anger will calm while doing this simple breath.
  • Walk away for 30 minutes. Rather than dwell and let the anger escalate, ask to take a break with the promise of returning to the issue at hand after 30 minutes. During your break, don’t dwell on the issue triggering your anger. If you are angry at a loved one, remember the loving times you have enjoyed with them. Sing a song. Do a puzzle. Read a magazine. Chances are, as you allow your mind to dwell on something other than your anger, you will return calmer and may even wonder why it had escalated so much to begin with.
  • Apologize for the part you played in the situation that aroused the anger. Apologize with no “but’s.” Simply take responsibility for any part you played in the anger arousing situation. Apology is humbling, but it reflects love and strength. It proves stronger than anger.
  • Practice forgiveness. Don’t hold a grudge. Let go of the desire for revenge and begin to intentionally think about the other person’s well-being. It’s an act of altruism and often demands a price, but forgiveness contributes to decreasing anger, increasing justice, and increasing intimacy.

Don’t let anger infect the hearts of you or your family members. Instead, let anger signal the need to relax your body, assess your thoughts and expectations, apologize, and forgive. Your heart and your family’s heart will thank you. In fact, they’ll love you wholeheartedly for managing your anger effectively.

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Marriage Advice from Couples Married 40+ Years

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Maintaining a healthy, happy marriage can prove challenging in a world focused on self, personal career, instant gratification, and “me.” It actually requires a shift in focus. This begs the question: what is the “secret” of a healthy, happy marriage? That’s what researchers asked 180 couples who had enjoyed a healthy, 40-plus year marriage. Here are the top four answers given…well, actually six with two ties.

  • Tied for the fourth most common answer is compromise and love. Compromise is that “give and take” of a marriage. One person can’t always receive while the other gives. Happy marriages focus on compromise, developing a solution that satisfies “us” instead of “me.” Compromise flows when both partners are more interested in their relational health and their partner’s happiness and well-being than they are about their own wants and desires. Love speaks to the need for each partner to feel valued, respected, and cared for. It involves knowing that your partner cares more deeply and will compromise to promote your happiness. A partner knows their spouse loves them because their spouse turns to them first when celebrating a success of any kind and when mourning a loss of any kind. Love seeks out the one they love first.
  • Number three brings in another tie between communication and shared values. It is not surprising that these two go together. Two people enter a marriage with their own values and learn to negotiate shared values from there. This demands communication, lots of healthy communication (and compromise as noted in #4). Couples forge their shared values through living together, talking together, and talking some more. This level of communication demands that we value the other person enough to believe they have a legitimate point of view, a point of view as worthy as our own and a point of view worthy of deep consideration. With this attitude and with lots of communication, a couple develops a shared sense of values that holds them close to one another.
  • The number two secret of a healthy marriage is practicing unselfish, even sacrificial, giving toward our spouse. This flies in the face of the hyper-individualized society in which we live. An unselfish spouse considers their partner as “more important than themselves.” They do not merely look out for their own personal interests but also for the interests of their spouse” (Philippians 2:3). In seeking to meet the needs of their partner, an unselfish spouse willingly makes sacrifices. Such sacrifices are a lost art today, but an essential ingredient in a long-term, healthy marriage according to those married for 40-plus years.
  • And the number one secret of a healthy marriage? Commitment. Commitment remains essential for a long-term, healthy marriage. Every marriage will experience good times and hard times. Affection and attraction may wax and wane, as will your sense of emotional closeness. However, the commitment to “stay the course,” to “take the long view” and “hold on,” contributes to the rekindling of affection, the deepening of trust and, as a result, intimacy, and a maturing of attraction. Commitment is the glue that keeps all these ingredients in play and growing over time.

There you have it, ingredients for a long-term, healthy, and happy marriage straight from the mouths of those who have over 40-years of healthy marriage. Which ones do you need to improve in your marriage?

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Social Media and a Better Body Image

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Body image is a growing issue among young women, women like our daughters and our wives. However, a study from York University’s faculty of health showed a way to help improve body image. This study involved freshman college women (first year undergraduates) who were divided into two groups. One group continued to use social media as they always did. The other group took a “one-week vacation” from all social media apps including Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, and others. The study began with surveys assessing the baseline of self-esteem and body image. The participants completed these surveys again after the on-week intervention.

The results? The young women who took a one-week vacation from social media use exhibited an increase in positive self-esteem and body satisfaction. The increase in positive self-esteem included all areas of self-esteem assessed, including performance, appearance, and social effectiveness. Additionally, those who exhibited the greatest improvement in self-esteem and body satisfaction were the most vulnerable, those most focused on a “thin ideal.”

Why does taking “a week off” social media contribute to an increase in positive self-esteem and body satisfaction? Good question. First, a week off social media means spending less time making comparisons to others. It limits the fear-of-missing-out that grows out of those comparisons. It also means less time viewing filtered images of other people’s bodies. Secondly, less time on social media may mean spending more time socializing face-to-face, sleeping, getting outdoors, getting exercise, or some other healthier activity. In other words, the time spent on social media may get replaced with healthier activities.

What does all this mean for you and your family? That’s the important question for me. If you, or someone in your family, struggle with body image and self-esteem, you might try taking a week off of social media. Maybe you can even take a week off of social media as a family. You might replace the time spent on social media sits with family time playing games, getting outdoors, interacting with actual eye contact. All these activities will contribute to greater family joy and intimacy. I’m checking my summer now so I can include a one-week social media vacation for my family. When will you schedule your family social media vacation?

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What Makes a Marriage Healthy?

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What makes for a happy marriage? That’s a good question. Many times, I meet couples in which one person thinks the relationship is fine while the other person is ready to end the relationship and leave. One seems happy and completely unaware that their partner is not happy. In our individual-focused culture, you can see how this might happen. One person’s needs are being met and, for them, that’s what marriage is about–their happiness. They enjoy their happiness, focus on their happiness, and never look deeply at their spouse’s happiness. They may even provide their spouse what would they think would make them happy. They provide financial security when their spouse desires quality time sharing important conversation and emotions with one another. They provide service, cleaning the home and doing tasks around the house, when their spouse desires physical affection. But, focused on “my” idea of happiness and “my” own sense of happiness, they miss their spouse’s need for something different.

Overall, individual happiness is not a great indicator of a healthy marriage because a healthy marriage involves two people in relationship. A healthy marriage is about “relational-connectivity”–behaviors and beliefs that focus relationship not individuality. What does that entail? Here are three factors involved in relational-connectivity.

  • Commitment. In healthy marriages, both spouses have a high sense of commitment. They maintain a long-term view of the relationship and nurture the permanence of the relationship. As a result, they turn toward their spouse for emotional support, mental stimulation, and physical affection. They turn to their spouse to celebrate positive happenings in their life and to express sorrow over hardships. They nurture this commitment by:
    • Dreaming about the future together. This may include supporting one another’s dreams as well as developing dreams as a couple.
    • Making future plans together. This may include something as simple as making weekend plans together. It may also include planning yearly vacations and getaways. In addition, it may include planning the trip of your dreams or planning a trip for your anniversary…or planning a trip “just because.”
    • Turning away from other options for intimacy and emotional support and seeking that support only from your spouse.
    • Prioritizing their marriage. We tend to focus on and nurture those things to which we are most committed. We nurture our marriage with kindness, affection, and time when we prioritize it.
  • Practice Being Other-centered. The spouse of a selfish person finds it more difficult to stay in a long-term relationship. On the other hand, having an “other-centered” perspective allows one to see their spouse and their needs as well as respond to meet those needs. An other-centered spouse nurtures their marriage with:
    • Acts of kindness for their spouse.
    • Knowing and “learning to speak” their spouse’s love language.
    • Engaging in behaviors they know brings their spouse joy.
    • Serving their spouse.
    • Making sacrifices, large and small, for their spouse.
  • Compassion. A compassionate spouse is there when their spouse needs them. They recognize times in which their spouse needs extra time, extra rest, or extra affection…and they provide it. A compassionate spouse is also ready to forgive. Ironically, a compassionate spouse is also ready to apologize when they see they’ve hurt their spouse. And they are ready to “bear the fruit” of that apology, to make the necessary change.

Our culture tends to be very individualistic, and this focus on the individual presents a danger for a healthy marriage. A healthy marriage is countercultural. It is relationally focused. It is “other-centered,” committed to relationship, and compassionate.  Open your eyes and become aware of your spouse. Prioritize your marriage. Commit to your marriage. You and your spouse will both be glad you did.

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Give a Shout Out for Marriage

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Marriage gets a bad rap at times. For instance, reality TV and sitcoms offer a very strange and twisted idea of romantic relationships. Many give marriage gets a bad rap. But marriage is great, even fantastic. I realize that some people fear marriage because they have witnessed marriages that have ended in divorce. However, the divorce rate has gone down. And, when both people in a marriage invest some energy, time, and attention to their marriage, marriage is great. In fact, nothing predicts happiness in America like a good marriage. Neither education, work, money, or sex predict happiness as well as a good marriage. Studies suggest that a good marriage are a “whopping” 545% more likely to be very happy than those who are unmarried or in a poor marriage. That’s a lot of happiness.

In addition, those who are happily married have about 10 times more assets at the age of 50 than their unmarried peers. And it’s more than money. Married people report a greater sense of meaning in life and significantly less loneliness. Might I humbly add, regular date nights with a spouse are also associated with even greater happiness, greater frequency of sex, and greater sexual satisfaction. In fact, happily married couples report the greatest sexual satisfaction.

All in all, a happy marriage improves our lives. That being said, marry wisely and invest in your marriage because an unhappy marriage robs us of everything a happy marriage provides. What do you need to invest in your marriage to keep it thriving and happy so you and your spouse can reap the benefits?

  • Invest time. Spend time with our spouse every day. Talk about your day. Talk about your dreams. Sit together and read. Walk quietly holding hands. Do household chores together. Spend time with your spouse.
  • Invest your attention. Give your spouse your attention. You don’t have to give them attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but give them attention every day. When your spouse approaches you, respond with your attention. I don’t mean fake attention or half-hearted attention. Invest your whole attention in your spouse when you interact.
  • Invest admiration. Admire your spouse every day. Compliment their appearance, their cleaning, their cooking, their work…. Acknowledge their kindness, their inner and outer beauty, their character. Don’t let a day go by without admiring your spouse.
  • Invest your service. Be an active member of the household. Assist with chores. Participate in family activities. Do something nice for your spouse once in a while, something unexpected and kind.  As a matter of fact, do something kind for your spouse often. For instance, you might serve breakfast in bed, give a back rub, bring home a gift, send a note of love, give a random hug.

As you can see from this short list, investment isn’t a burden. It’s a joy that results in greater intimacy and a happier marriage. And a happier marriage will change your life. It will improve everything from your physical health to your finances to your emotional health to your sexual satisfaction. Go ahead and invest. See if you don’t reap these amazing benefits. Then, like me, you’ll give a shout out for marriage.

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5 Practices to Keep Your Marriage Thriving

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It’s an older study now (2012) but insightful all the same. It offers five practices that can strengthen your marriage. If you want to build a strong, healthy marriage, make sure you keep these 5 practices in the forefront of your relationship.

  • Have fun together. Make sure you spend time playing together. Laugh together. Tell a joke or two. Laugh at silly cat videos together. Go on some adventures together, whether they be to a local amusement park, a concert, or a beach. Whatever way you choose (and I hope you choose several), have fun! Enjoy one another’s company.
  • Share household chores. Don’t expect your spouse to do all the work around the house. Make sure you participate in the tasks that keep the home running smoothly as well. You might even have some chores that you and your spouse do together. (Men, just so you know, some say that seeing you do household chores will be an aphrodisiac of some sort for your wife…go figure.)
  • Keep your social media accounts transparent. You can have separate accounts if you want, but make sure your spouse has full access to any account you have. Let your spouse know your passwords. Let them see your activity if and when they want to see it. This will prove beneficial to you in terms of accountability and in terms of trust within your relationship.
  • Share your feelings with your spouse. When we share our emotions with our spouses, we open ourselves up to be known by them, we reveal ourselves to them on a deeper level. We allow our spouse to learn about us—our priorities, values, goals, and passions.
  • Assure your spouse that you are committed to our relationship. By practicing the four actions above, you assure your spouse that you are committed to them and your marriage. You can also assure them of your commitment by talking about the future together. What would you like to do as a couple in the next five years? When your children “leave the nest”? Dream together and plan together. Then, have fun making those dreams come true.

These five practices will strengthen your marriage and keep it healthy for a lifetime. If I might, I would like to add one more practice. This one was not mentioned in the study cited above, but other studies have shown how this practice strengthens marriage. Pray for your spouse. Prayer has been shown to strengthen marriages in several ways. Take time each day to say a simple prayer for your spouse’s well-being. 

That’s six practices to strengthen your marriage. Start engaging in these practices today and enjoy a thriving marriage with your spouse for a lifetime.

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Nurture Your Child’s “Why”

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An old proverb tells us that “curiosity killed the cat.” Fortunately, our children are not cats because they ca ask “why” incessantly. But in actuality, curiosity helps children learn and grow, even survive. It contributes to more positive emotions and less anxiety. It leads to higher achievement as well as stronger, healthier relationships (see Six Surprising Benefits of Curiosity for more). With that in mind, I’d like to nurture my children’s curiosity but I’m curious as to how.  Scott Shigeoka has a suggestion. He suggests teaching our children (and ourselves) to DIVE.

Detach from the assumptions, biases, and certainties you might cling to. Challenge your assumptions with alternative explanations and possibilities. For instance, if your friend shows up late, detach from the assumption that they don’t care or don’t respect your time. Consider the possibility of traffic, a minor emergency, or a previous appoint going longer than expected. Then, when you see them, ask. In other words, don’t jump to conclusions or assume the worst. Don’t become rigid in your assumptions and thoughts. Challenge yourself to think the best of others. Examine your beliefs and thoughts to assure their accuracy and truth. Be curious.

Intend to practice curiosity. Be intentional in your practice of curiosity. Be deliberate. This will involve nurturing a mindset that purposefully practices curiosity.  Think about questions you might ask another person. Visualize how you might interact in a loving, curious manner. If you have a disagreement or conflict, intentionally begin to explore areas of agreement that might exist and how you might express curiosity about the other person’s point of view.

Value other people. We tend to become more curious about those things and people we value. It’s hard to show curiosity about those things we just don’t care about. So intentionally recognize the inherent dignity in people, including yourself. Acknowledge their inherent value. Recognize that people are complex being with families, joys, struggles, personalities, beliefs, likes, and dislikes…just like you. When you recognize another’s complexity and acknowledge their dignity and value, you can more easily choose to understand rather than judge and love rather than ignore.

Embrace your life, especially the hard times. Embracing the hard times reminds us to get curious about those things that arouse our fears, like changes and transitions that happen around us and in us throughout our lives. Too many times we shut down and dig in when changes occur. This can lead to defensiveness, fighting, or shutting down, all of which hinder our relationships. Embrace the change by getting curious about what it means, what possibilities it carries, what you can learn about yourself and others.

The best way to teach your children to DIVE into curiosity is to practice it yourself. DIVE in and begin to get curious. You will discover great benefits for you and your children, like greater connection, deeper intimacy, less anxiety, and more joy. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Go ahead. Get curious and find out if these results really happen.

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What Mom Wants from Her Husband

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I enjoy a good James Bond movie…or a Mission Impossible adventure. The heroes spark my imagination. They are strong, ingenious problem-solver, attractive to women. They live adventurous lives I only dream about. Surely the mother of my children (my wife) would like me, the father of her children, to have all those “great” qualities. We’d live an adventure-filled life of intrigue and passion. Who wouldn’t want that?

Well, according to a survey of 291 mothers, your wife, the mother of your children, would NOT want that! In fact, that is the type of person a mother wants least as their husband. Know what this survey suggests women want most in a husband and father to their children? A friend–somebody who shows a genuine interest in them and their children, somebody who exhibits kindness toward them and their children. Sounds kind of crazy but think about it.

This kind of husband will notice when his wife seems stressed or needs rest. And he’ll step in to help provide that needed comfort and rest. That’s what friends do. A husband who takes the role of “friend” seriously will take the time to listen, understand, and empathize with his wife rather than jumping in to “fix it.” He will also initiate conversations to learn about his wife’s day with all its joys and sorrows. Overall, he will take responsibility to nurture his relationship with his family (including his wife). That’s what friends do… all this and more.

John Gottman goes so far as to suggest friendship is the core of every healthy marriage. The friendship on which every healthy marriage stands is developed and nurtured through small, daily actions like:

  • Asking open-ended questions to learn about your wife and her life.
  • Developing the habit of responding to your wife with genuine interest and listening intently to her in conversation rather than giving half-hearted attention or faking attention.
  • Communicating appreciation, adoration, and gratitude for her every day.

…After all, that’s what friends do.

Your wife, the mother of your children, doesn’t need a sexy, strong, adventurous husband (although I’m sure you’re all those things). She needs a friend who cares enough and loves her enough to walk by her side and actively participate in family life with her. Will you invest the time and energy to develop that friendship with her? If you do, you’ll reap the amazing rewards of a joyful, healthy marriage.

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