Tag Archive for sharing

Do You Have Good News? Share It!

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Sometimes we hesitate to share good news with others. Maybe we fear making the other person feel bad or sounding like we’re boasting. However, a study published in Emotion tells a different story. This study involved 300 participants between 25 and 85 years of age. The research team prompted participants 6 times a day for 10 days to report on their level of gratitude as well as any social interactions and whether they had shared good news with someone else. The study revealed several important findings:

  • People who shared positive events with others felt more grateful in the moment.
  • People who shared good news with others felt closer to the person with whom they shared the good news.
  • People who received enthusiastic responses were the most grateful in this group.

Sharing good news with others draws our attention to the positive events and good things in life. It also gives us the opportunity to “re-experience” those events and perhaps even grow more appreciative as we do. In other words, we grow in gratitude for the good in our lives.

An enthusiastic response makes us feel validated and cared for by the one listening. When a person enthusiastically responds to our good news, we are no longer simply telling them about the event, but we are sharing it with them as we re-experience it together. We have offered a point of connection and, in accepting it, they share a joy with us that leads to a deeper relationship. This sharing also leads to greater gratitude—gratitude for the positive event as well as gratitude for connection to the one with whom we are sharing the positive event.

Wouldn’t it be great to share this kind of connection with family?

  • When our children come home ecstatic about some positive event they experienced at school, we can enthusiastically share in that event rather than minimize or disparage it. When we listen to and share their joy over the positive event, gratitude and interpersonal intimacy will increase.
  • When our spouse shares exciting news and we respond with a joy that matches their joy, gratitude grows and intimacy increases. Our enthusiastic response communicates how much we love and value them. It communicates how important they and their experiences are to us.
  • When we share a positive event from our day with our family, we share a piece of ourselves. We share a positive moment from our lives with them and, as a result, we experience greater intimacy. When they respond with like enthusiasm, we feel loved and validated. Our gratitude increases. Our intimacy grows deeper.

So, if you have good news, share it…especially with your family. When you do, you and your family will enjoy the increased gratitude and intimacy that results.

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Not Enough Time in the Day?

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We have 24 hours every day. That’s 1,440 minutes or 86,400 seconds…and it flies by. Time is at a premium, especially within our families. We “never” have enough time. Some would go so far as to say we live in a “time famine.” There just isn’t enough of it, not enough time in the day.

Unfortunately, that perception of time results in a decreased willingness to show kindness to others, to give of our time to help others. I’d like me and my family to be known as people who show kindness. So, what can we do to increase our willingness to help others in the midst of this “time famine”? We can’t add time to the day. No matter what we do, there are only 24 hours in a day. We could cut things out of our schedule. But what? We all need to work. We need to spend time with our families. We need to go to school, clean the house, remain involved in the community, engage in some recreation, eat, sleep, socialize…. It takes a great deal of soul searching and priority clarifying to cut “the fluff” out of our schedule.

Still, we need to do something or our willingness to help one another and show kindness will get constantly pushed out, relegated to second (or maybe third) place behind our busyness, lack of rest, and related irritability.

There is, however, a way to perceive more time in the day, a: remedy of sorts. It sounds paradoxical at first. In fact, it doesn’t make sense at first glance. But research suggests that it is true. Here it is: give your time to another person through some act of kindness. That’s right, give your time to help another and you’ll have an expanded sense of time. Give your time away and you’ll feel like you have more time to give.

In one study, giving one’s time to do something nice for another person led to a perception of greater time in the future. It also led people to feel they had more time in the present and so increased their willingness to help with an immediate task. Even recalling an act of giving significant time to help someone in the past led to a perception of more time.

On the other hand, suddenly receiving free time (being allowed to leave an appointment early), wasting time (scrolling), or spending time doing something for oneself did not result in a perception of having greater available time. Only giving one’s time to help another person in some way led to a feeling of greater time availability.

When we make giving our time to help others a priority, we expand our sense of time. When we teach our children to help, we teach them to have an expanded sense of time. That expanded sense of time can contribute to increasing our willingness to help a person in need, whether they be family, friend, or stranger. It can also increase our sense of calm and decrease our feeling of being rushed. I’d like that for my family, wouldn’t you? Then let’s start giving our time to help our family and others…and teaching our family to do the same.

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Thanksgiving Dinner? What’s the Big Deal?

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Norman Rockwell captured the iconic moment of Thanksgiving Dinner in The Thanksgiving Picture. But really, what’s the big deal about a family dinner? Who cares about family dinners anyway?

Family dinner is about so much more than simply sitting at a common table to eat food. We learn important lessons at the family dinner. It is during family dinner that we learn we belong. As we pass the potatoes and negotiate who gets the turkey leg, we learn that life is shared. We are not alone; and we have to think about the “other guy” and his welfare, not just ourselves. We have to listen to learn what others have to say, to learn about their wants and desires. And we learn to leave enough of the “good stuff” for everyone to get some.

At the family dinner table, we also learn that we have something to say, and that others will listen to us. We have needs and desires to express and others will not only hear us tell of those needs and desires but will graciously adjust their behavior to satisfy our needs and desires.

We also learn that manners and civility are important while sitting around the dinner table. We learn that respect leads to greater generosity and that moderation is important to fairness.  And what better place to practice respect, generosity, moderation, and fairness than at the dinner table.

Why have Thanksgiving Dinner? Because our families and our children need to learn these important lessons of belonging, listening, sharing, respect, generosity, moderation, and fairness. Our communities are crying out for these virtues. Why celebrate with a Thanksgiving Dinner? Because changing the world starts with how we share Thanksgiving Dinner with our friends and family. (For more, read Everything I Needed to Know I Learned at Dinner.)

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Everything I Needed to Know I Learned At Dinner

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Family having a big dinner together at home

I enjoyed daily family dinners as a child. Well, most of the time I enjoyed family dinners. Sometimes tensions and disagreements cast a shadow over the meal. But I still remember family dinners with great fondness. My wife and I did our best to keep the tradition of family dinners alive in our own family. Looking back, I realize that everything I really need to learn I learned at family dinners. Let me share a few of those lessons with you.

  • Come to the table when you are called. Opportunity does not wait. At the very least, it grows cold. So, when opportunity calls, respond. Come to the table or you might miss out.
  • Always begin by giving thanks for the blessings you received and the people who make those blessings possible.
  • You do not always get what you want or even like. Give thanks anyway. Not everyone is fortunate enough to receive such an abundance; and many people contributed to the raising, harvesting, transporting, selling, purchasing, and preparing that made this blessing possible. Be grateful.
  • Share. There are others at the table with you. Keep them in mind. Take some for yourself and joyfully pass it along to the others. Share.
  • Take only what you know you are going to eat. No need to be greedy. If you want more after you finish what you have, you can have more. Each time you get more, take only what you will use.
  • Remember, there is always enough to go around when each person remains considerate and mindful of everyone else.
  • Wait your turn. Your favorite dish will make it to you even if you have to wait a bit.
  • Serve one another. Sometimes the dishes are too hot to pass. In such cases, everyone patiently passes their plate to the person nearest the hot dish. That person scoops the food onto each person’s plate while carefully assuring they receive the amount desired. It is an exciting privilege to be deemed mature enough to serve and an honor to be served.
  • Practice patience. Wait for everyone to get their food before you begin. We are a family, a community. It is polite to wait for everyone before you “dig in.” After all, we are eating dinner together. Enjoy it together. 
  • Just because you are upset about something does not give you the right to ruin dinner for everyone else. Remain polite and kind, even if you are upset with the person sitting next to you.  
  • Enjoy the conversation. Don’t simple “shovel food into your mouth.” Be curious about the other people present. Learn about their day. Converse. (As a bonus, this will also increase your children’s vocabulary.)
  • Ask for what you need rather than reaching impolitely in front of everyone and so intruding into their space and disrupting their composure.
  • Dessert is coming…but only to those who are grateful for the gift they received, gracious to receive even what was not perfectly prepared, and well-mannered.

Eating as a family proves much greater than simply filling our stomachs with needed nutrients.  It is a microcosm of the larger community. Indeed, family dinners teach us everything we need to know to live a life of honor, grace, and celebration in our world.

*Titled with a “shout out” to Robert Fulghum who wrote the excellent book “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.

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The Best Christmas: Honor, Grace, & Celebration

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Christmas has suddenly appeared on the horizon. I don’t know about you, but it seems like the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas gets shorter every year. The hustle and bustle of crowds and traffic seems more pronounced. Because the spirit of Christmas so easily eludes me, I need to take the time to reflect on Christmas and what it means to me. I hope you don’t mind me sharing a few things, only three, about what Christmas means to me. And, these three aspects of Christmas can become Christmas themes to practice all year round.

Christmas tells of honor. Mary, the mother of Jesus, exemplifies honor in so many ways. When the angel told her that she would have a baby who would “reign over the house of Jacob forever, and His kingdom will have no end,” she accepted his word. She obeyed the call of God. She even said, “May it be done to me according to your word.” She trusted. She obeyed. She honored.

One of the greatest gifts we can share with our family at Christmas is the gift of honor. We can honor our spouse and our parents by accepting their influence in our lives, by learning to submit to one another in love. We honor our children by modeling a reputation of integrity, generosity, and love.

Christmas tells of grace. We see grace in Joseph’s devotion to Mary. In the days of Jesus’ birth, a woman who became pregnant out of wedlock was a scandal deserving death. But Joseph, Mary’s fiancé, did not want to “disgrace Mary.” He did not want to make thigs harder for her than it already was. So, he determined to quietly end their engagement. However, an angel confirmed Mary’s baby was Jesus, who would “save His people from their sins.”  With this word, Joseph took Mary as his wife. It didn’t matter what other people might think or what they might say. He would devote himself to her and to raising her child. His devotion reveals his grace.

Of course, we also see grace given us from Jesus at Christmas. He “did not consider equality with God a thing to be used to His own advantage, but rather made Himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant…” (Philippians 2:6-7, NIV). We see grace in Jesus, who gave up all to give us all, who left home to bring us home.

You can share the gift of grace with your family all year long. Accepting each one in spite of differences and even in light of shortcomings. Giving generously of your time and availability to each of your children and your spouse. Taking the time and energy to grow emotionally connected to one another. Each of these actions is a grace given to your family.

Christmas tells of celebration. God arranged an angelic choir to sing an anthem in response to Jesus’ birth.  In response, the shepherds ran to the manger and celebrated the birth of their Messiah. Later in the story, wise men “came from afar” to bring gifts in celebration of the “newborn King.”

When we share the gifts of honor and grace with our family, we find the gift of celebration comes naturally. We celebrate our love by sharing gifts. We also celebrate our family by serving one another, encouraging one another, and comforting one another all year long.

We celebrate Christmas day once a year. But the spirit of Christmas extends throughout the year when we share honor, grace, and celebration with one another. Have a merry Christmas…and let it last throughout the year in honor, grace, and celebration.

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“Being There” for Family… When?

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What does it mean to “be there” for your spouse and children? We often consider “being there” as giving comfort during tough times or caring for others in difficult situations. We think of “being there” as supporting others when they need help. Those are good times to “be there” for our spouse and children; but they are not the only times we need to “be there.” We also need to “be there” during the good times to share the pleasant news, the times of joy, and the times happiness. In fact, sharing good news and good times with those we love builds stronger relationships. It helps the both person “being there,” the person we are “being there” for, and the relationship. Let me name just a few of the many ways “being there” in good times can help a relationship.

  • Sharing good news or good experiences with a spouse, parent, or child who is engaged in the conversation enhances the meaning and weightiness we attach to those joyous times. These moments of sharing become foundational to our memory. We remember positive experiences more vividly when we share them with someone who engages in conversation with us about them. So, if you want your spouse and children to have lots of good memories filled with meaning in their lives, engage them in conversation about those events. “Be there” for them in celebrating the good news.
  • On the flip side, the person hearing about their loved one’s good news or happy experience feel happier. You’ve likely had that experience. Someone told you about their positive experience and you were genuinely happy for them. You rejoiced with them and felt happier yourself. So, listen intently to your family member’s good news and rejoice with them. Share genuine happiness for their good fortune. You’ll be happier for it. Along these same lines, share your own good news and positive experiences with your family members. Don’t hold back and keep it secret. Let them rejoice with you. They’ll be happier for it…and you’ll be happier that they are happier. Everybody’s happy…sounds like a good family night of sharing.
  • Sharing good news and happy experiences with one another also builds stronger, more intimate relationships. Sharing our good experiences is linked to relationship bonding and safety. When a person telling about their good experience knows the listener is receptive and engaged, they feel more secure in the relationship. To go even further, sharing good news with a receptive family member makes us more grateful for one another, enhances our sense of fondness for one another, and increases our dedication to one another. Sound good? It sure sounds good to me.

Don’t just “be there” for your family during the hard times. “Be there” for the good times as well. Celebrate the joyous occasions. Rejoice together. “Be there” in good times and in bad.

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Brain Waves, Toddlers, & Moral Development

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All parents want to raise children with a strong sense of right and wrong. However, most parents don’t realize how early—surprisingly early—this moral behavior and thought begins. Kids on Victory PodiumJean Decety from the University of Chicago (and his associate, Jason Cowell) demonstrated that parents influence their children’s moral development as early as one year old! He showed a group of 73 toddlers (12-24 months old) two types of animated videos: one in which characters engaged in helping and sharing or one in which characters exhibited pushing, tripping, and shoving behavior. At the same time, they measured the toddlers’ eye movement (gaze) and brain waves. Afterwards, the researchers offered the toddlers a choice of two toys: one representing the “good” animated character or one representing the “bad” character.

What did they discover? First, toddlers looked at and tracked the “good,” pro-social characters longer. They showed more interest in the characters who exhibited positive moral actions. In addition, toddlers experienced different brain wave patterns when witnessing the prosocial behavior and the antisocial behavior.  But, these differences did not impact which toy the toddler chose. There was one factor that differentiated which toy the child reached for, regardless of the length of their gaze at the “good” character or the difference in the brain wave patterns associated with the prosocial/antisocial behavior. An additional distinct brain wave pattern was associated with which toy was chosen. This additional brain wave occurred just after the toddler witnessed the behavior of the animated character and it differentiated which toy the child chose.

Now for the really interesting part! The researchers discovered what may have contributed to that distinct brain wave pattern after reviewing questionnaires completed by parents prior to the research. These questionnaires measured parental values around empathy, justice, and fairness as well as their child’s temperament and demographics. Parental sensitivity to justice distinguished toddlers’ who reached for the “good character” toy from those who reached for the “bad character” toy! In other words, the parents’ values around justice impacted how their children’s brains work and whether their 12-24 month old reached out for the prosocial or antisocial character.

The researchers also gave the toddlers opportunities to share their toys in this experiment. This time, the parents’ ability to take someone else’s perspective influenced their children’s willingness to share, even at 12-24 months of age! So, if you want to raise children with a strong sense of right and wrong, children sensitive to justice, and children willing to share, begin early by:

  1. Cultivating your own sense of justice. Discipline fairly. Do not practice the “Do as I say not as I do” mentality. Instead, set the example of living and accept the just consequences for your behavior. Apologize and ask forgiveness when you make a mistake. Give just rewards for appropriate behavior (which can be as simple as a polite “thankyou” or “I appreciate your help.”). Talk about justice in the community. Read stories together that reveal justice. Cultivate justice in your life.
  2. Practice taking other people’s perspective before reacting to them. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes, your children’s shoes, your neighbors’ shoes and consider the situation from their perspective. Think and talk about the perspective the store clerk, the police officers, or the teacher.

These simple practices will help you raise moral children…and help create a more moral world for your grandchildren.

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The #1 Ingredient for Building Friendships With Your Children

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I remember coming home from the park with my preschool daughters. One would say, “I made a friend today.” Her face glowing and her voice bubbling with excitement.

“Really,” I would ask. “What’s her name?”

“I don’t know.”

“Where does she live?”

“I don’t know.” (Both times the “I don’t know” reply was said in a nonchalant manner, as though the question held no real relevance at all.)

“How do you know she’s your friend?”

“We played on the slide together,” she answered excitedly

“Will you see her again?”

“Yes, Daddy, she comes to the park too,” was the confident reply. 

 

This brief conversation, which occurred time and again, taught me an important lesson. Preschoolers build friendships based on shared activities. They don’t need to know a lot of information about the other person. They just want to play together. So, my preschool daughter could go to the park for an hour and walk away with a “new best friend” simply because they engaged in a fun activity together. That realization started me thinking (always a dangerous pastime)…if any little kid can become my daughter’s “new best friend” by playing together at the park for less than an hour, I could really build my relationship with her by enjoying a fun activity with her each day! We could play hide-n-seek, swing on the swings, make chocolate chip cookies, play catch, kick a ball, read a book…the possibilities are limitless. The activity itself is less important than the outcome. What is the outcome? Having a shared activity with my daughter.  In her eyes, that makes us “best friends.” And from those foundational preschool “best friend” activities, I begin to develop a lifelong relationship!  When she begins to base friendships more on who is a part of her life and world (which she will do in the elementary school years), I will have already laid the foundation of spending time with her. I can continue to spend time with her and become an integral part of her every day world. When she enters her teen years and begins to base her friendships on shared interests and trust, I will have laid the foundation of trust by spending consistent time with her through the preschool and elementary years. I will have laid the foundation of having shared interests with her by involving myself in her world throughout the elementary school years. Building on that foundation, I can remain available throughout her teen years, faithful in my presence and trusted with information. Simply by sharing activities with my daughter during her preschool years, I will have built a relationship that will sustain us into young adult and throughout the rest of our lives. A simple step during preschool will have set us on a trajectory leading to a constantly growing relationship. So, start building relationships early in your children’s lives…and enjoy a lifetime relationship. If you missed the beginning, don’t worry. You can always start spending time with them now…you can begin to share activities today…you become present in their world today…you can prove yourself trustworthy today. The important thing is to start. Let the relationship begin!

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Increase Family Happiness in 5 Minutes a Day!

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Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I want to share a family activity that can help you prepare for this special day. This activity will also bring increased happiness, greater life satisfaction and more positive emotions into your home. Everyone who participates will reap the benefits. Best of all, it is simple. It takes only about five minutes a day and a specific interaction twice a week. So, spending about an hour and a half each week in this activity can increase your family’s joy, happiness, and life satisfaction. Sound too good to be true? Only one way to find out—give it a try. Here’s what you do.
 
First, spend five minutes each night reflecting on positive experiences, people, or things for which you are grateful. Consider why you are grateful for each of these things. Think of different experiences, people, and things each day. Write them down in a “gratitude journal.” A simple list will suffice if you don’t like to write.
 
Second, at least two times a week share something from this list with another family member. You might do this as a family or one-on-one with a family member. Maybe you can do it as a family once a week and have everyone do it with one other family member for the second time each week. You could share during dinner or a special desert. You might decide to share first thing in the morning or as you prepare for bed. However or whenever you choose, share something from your gratitude list with the rest of your family two times a week. 
 
Third, when your family member shares a positive experience or some form of gratitude with you, respond with enthusiasm. See it from their perspective and share in their joy and gratitude. Reflect on how wonderful their experience is for them.
 
Simple right? Yet studies suggest that people who share their positive experiences with enthusiastically responding others experience greater happiness, deeper life satisfaction, and more positive emotions. Why not enjoy this kind of happiness with your family? And, what a great way to prepare for a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration. Try it out during the four weeks leading up to Thanksgiving. Then, on Thanksgiving talk about the experience. Enjoy sharing your experiences of gratitude with your family. Celebrate.
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