Tag Archive for intimacy

Marriage Advice from Couples Married 40+ Years

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Maintaining a healthy, happy marriage can prove challenging in a world focused on self, personal career, instant gratification, and “me.” It actually requires a shift in focus. This begs the question: what is the “secret” of a healthy, happy marriage? That’s what researchers asked 180 couples who had enjoyed a healthy, 40-plus year marriage. Here are the top four answers given…well, actually six with two ties.

  • Tied for the fourth most common answer is compromise and love. Compromise is that “give and take” of a marriage. One person can’t always receive while the other gives. Happy marriages focus on compromise, developing a solution that satisfies “us” instead of “me.” Compromise flows when both partners are more interested in their relational health and their partner’s happiness and well-being than they are about their own wants and desires. Love speaks to the need for each partner to feel valued, respected, and cared for. It involves knowing that your partner cares more deeply and will compromise to promote your happiness. A partner knows their spouse loves them because their spouse turns to them first when celebrating a success of any kind and when mourning a loss of any kind. Love seeks out the one they love first.
  • Number three brings in another tie between communication and shared values. It is not surprising that these two go together. Two people enter a marriage with their own values and learn to negotiate shared values from there. This demands communication, lots of healthy communication (and compromise as noted in #4). Couples forge their shared values through living together, talking together, and talking some more. This level of communication demands that we value the other person enough to believe they have a legitimate point of view, a point of view as worthy as our own and a point of view worthy of deep consideration. With this attitude and with lots of communication, a couple develops a shared sense of values that holds them close to one another.
  • The number two secret of a healthy marriage is practicing unselfish, even sacrificial, giving toward our spouse. This flies in the face of the hyper-individualized society in which we live. An unselfish spouse considers their partner as “more important than themselves.” They do not merely look out for their own personal interests but also for the interests of their spouse” (Philippians 2:3). In seeking to meet the needs of their partner, an unselfish spouse willingly makes sacrifices. Such sacrifices are a lost art today, but an essential ingredient in a long-term, healthy marriage according to those married for 40-plus years.
  • And the number one secret of a healthy marriage? Commitment. Commitment remains essential for a long-term, healthy marriage. Every marriage will experience good times and hard times. Affection and attraction may wax and wane, as will your sense of emotional closeness. However, the commitment to “stay the course,” to “take the long view” and “hold on,” contributes to the rekindling of affection, the deepening of trust and, as a result, intimacy, and a maturing of attraction. Commitment is the glue that keeps all these ingredients in play and growing over time.

There you have it, ingredients for a long-term, healthy, and happy marriage straight from the mouths of those who have over 40-years of healthy marriage. Which ones do you need to improve in your marriage?

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Social Media and a Better Body Image

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Body image is a growing issue among young women, women like our daughters and our wives. However, a study from York University’s faculty of health showed a way to help improve body image. This study involved freshman college women (first year undergraduates) who were divided into two groups. One group continued to use social media as they always did. The other group took a “one-week vacation” from all social media apps including Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, and others. The study began with surveys assessing the baseline of self-esteem and body image. The participants completed these surveys again after the on-week intervention.

The results? The young women who took a one-week vacation from social media use exhibited an increase in positive self-esteem and body satisfaction. The increase in positive self-esteem included all areas of self-esteem assessed, including performance, appearance, and social effectiveness. Additionally, those who exhibited the greatest improvement in self-esteem and body satisfaction were the most vulnerable, those most focused on a “thin ideal.”

Why does taking “a week off” social media contribute to an increase in positive self-esteem and body satisfaction? Good question. First, a week off social media means spending less time making comparisons to others. It limits the fear-of-missing-out that grows out of those comparisons. It also means less time viewing filtered images of other people’s bodies. Secondly, less time on social media may mean spending more time socializing face-to-face, sleeping, getting outdoors, getting exercise, or some other healthier activity. In other words, the time spent on social media may get replaced with healthier activities.

What does all this mean for you and your family? That’s the important question for me. If you, or someone in your family, struggle with body image and self-esteem, you might try taking a week off of social media. Maybe you can even take a week off of social media as a family. You might replace the time spent on social media sits with family time playing games, getting outdoors, interacting with actual eye contact. All these activities will contribute to greater family joy and intimacy. I’m checking my summer now so I can include a one-week social media vacation for my family. When will you schedule your family social media vacation?

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Give a Shout Out for Marriage

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Marriage gets a bad rap at times. For instance, reality TV and sitcoms offer a very strange and twisted idea of romantic relationships. Many give marriage gets a bad rap. But marriage is great, even fantastic. I realize that some people fear marriage because they have witnessed marriages that have ended in divorce. However, the divorce rate has gone down. And, when both people in a marriage invest some energy, time, and attention to their marriage, marriage is great. In fact, nothing predicts happiness in America like a good marriage. Neither education, work, money, or sex predict happiness as well as a good marriage. Studies suggest that a good marriage are a “whopping” 545% more likely to be very happy than those who are unmarried or in a poor marriage. That’s a lot of happiness.

In addition, those who are happily married have about 10 times more assets at the age of 50 than their unmarried peers. And it’s more than money. Married people report a greater sense of meaning in life and significantly less loneliness. Might I humbly add, regular date nights with a spouse are also associated with even greater happiness, greater frequency of sex, and greater sexual satisfaction. In fact, happily married couples report the greatest sexual satisfaction.

All in all, a happy marriage improves our lives. That being said, marry wisely and invest in your marriage because an unhappy marriage robs us of everything a happy marriage provides. What do you need to invest in your marriage to keep it thriving and happy so you and your spouse can reap the benefits?

  • Invest time. Spend time with our spouse every day. Talk about your day. Talk about your dreams. Sit together and read. Walk quietly holding hands. Do household chores together. Spend time with your spouse.
  • Invest your attention. Give your spouse your attention. You don’t have to give them attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but give them attention every day. When your spouse approaches you, respond with your attention. I don’t mean fake attention or half-hearted attention. Invest your whole attention in your spouse when you interact.
  • Invest admiration. Admire your spouse every day. Compliment their appearance, their cleaning, their cooking, their work…. Acknowledge their kindness, their inner and outer beauty, their character. Don’t let a day go by without admiring your spouse.
  • Invest your service. Be an active member of the household. Assist with chores. Participate in family activities. Do something nice for your spouse once in a while, something unexpected and kind.  As a matter of fact, do something kind for your spouse often. For instance, you might serve breakfast in bed, give a back rub, bring home a gift, send a note of love, give a random hug.

As you can see from this short list, investment isn’t a burden. It’s a joy that results in greater intimacy and a happier marriage. And a happier marriage will change your life. It will improve everything from your physical health to your finances to your emotional health to your sexual satisfaction. Go ahead and invest. See if you don’t reap these amazing benefits. Then, like me, you’ll give a shout out for marriage.

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2%, 3%, or 10%?

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If I were to ask you which of these three factors—demographics (age, gender, socioeconomic status), financial difficulty, or marital satisfaction—would have the greatest impact on a person’s mental health score, what would you say? Obviously, all three have an impact, but which would have the greatest impact? A study published on February 14, 2024, in PLOS ONE offers some insight. It noted that one of these three factors accounted for 2% of the variation in the mental health score of participants, while a second accounted for 3%, and the third accounted for a full 10%. Guess which factor accounted for 10%.

Financial difficulties? Many people attribute marital problems and mental health issues to financial issues. And, in fact, financial difficulties did impact a person’s mental health according to this study. However, only 3% of the variance in mental health scores among the 6,846 participants was attributed to financial difficulties.

Demographics? Variations in demographics only attributed 2% of the variance. That leaves only one more option….

If you answered marital satisfaction, you were correct. Marital satisfaction accounted for 10% of the variance in the participants’ mental health scores. A healthy, secure, happy marriage promotes mental health. An unhealthy, conflictual, insecure marriage damages mental health. In other words, if you want to nurture positive mental health in you and your spouse, start by nurturing your marriage. Building a healthy marriage leads to greater mental health. How can you build a marriage that will promote greater mental health?

  • Become a student of your spouse. Recognizing that everyone changes and grows means that knowing your spouse is a lifelong activity. Your spouse will grow. They will learn new things. Old interests may fade or become more defined. New interests will arise. So, take the time to know your spouse, even if you’ve been married for years. As you invest in knowing your spouse, you will gain the knowledge necessary to serve them in more meaningful ways, express your love for them in a more effective manner, and celebrate or mourn with them in the changing times.
  • Be responsive to your spouse. When your spouse communicates with you, respond. Notice I said “communicates” rather than “talks.” Your spouse may communicate through facial expressions, gestures, or touch as well as speech. Be open to hearing them all. Respond in love. Respond with your full attention more often than not. Respond with kindness, playfulness, caring, concern…. Respond with love.
  • Express your love for your spouse. Make it a habit to express gratitude and admiration to your spouse every day. If you have been a good student of your spouse, this will prove easy. Thank them for all they do for you, your children, your home. Admire their character, their beauty, their taste…. In fact, take a moment now to think of two things for which you could thank your spouse and two things you admire about your spouse. Then tell them. Right now, tell them. If you can’t talk to them at this moment, send them a text. You’ll both be glad you did. Then make this practice a daily habit.
  • Dream together. Sit down with your spouse on a regular basis to share a cup of coffee (or tea or pop) and dream. Where would you like to visit? What would you like to do? Both as individuals and as a couple. Consider what you can do to help your spouse achieve their individual dreams and begin planning to enjoy your dreams as a couple.

Investing in these four practices will nurture a marriage that will promote positive mental health in you and your spouse. It will also increase the joy and intimacy in your marriage. Sounds like a great deal, doesn’t it?

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5 Practices to Keep Your Marriage Thriving

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It’s an older study now (2012) but insightful all the same. It offers five practices that can strengthen your marriage. If you want to build a strong, healthy marriage, make sure you keep these 5 practices in the forefront of your relationship.

  • Have fun together. Make sure you spend time playing together. Laugh together. Tell a joke or two. Laugh at silly cat videos together. Go on some adventures together, whether they be to a local amusement park, a concert, or a beach. Whatever way you choose (and I hope you choose several), have fun! Enjoy one another’s company.
  • Share household chores. Don’t expect your spouse to do all the work around the house. Make sure you participate in the tasks that keep the home running smoothly as well. You might even have some chores that you and your spouse do together. (Men, just so you know, some say that seeing you do household chores will be an aphrodisiac of some sort for your wife…go figure.)
  • Keep your social media accounts transparent. You can have separate accounts if you want, but make sure your spouse has full access to any account you have. Let your spouse know your passwords. Let them see your activity if and when they want to see it. This will prove beneficial to you in terms of accountability and in terms of trust within your relationship.
  • Share your feelings with your spouse. When we share our emotions with our spouses, we open ourselves up to be known by them, we reveal ourselves to them on a deeper level. We allow our spouse to learn about us—our priorities, values, goals, and passions.
  • Assure your spouse that you are committed to our relationship. By practicing the four actions above, you assure your spouse that you are committed to them and your marriage. You can also assure them of your commitment by talking about the future together. What would you like to do as a couple in the next five years? When your children “leave the nest”? Dream together and plan together. Then, have fun making those dreams come true.

These five practices will strengthen your marriage and keep it healthy for a lifetime. If I might, I would like to add one more practice. This one was not mentioned in the study cited above, but other studies have shown how this practice strengthens marriage. Pray for your spouse. Prayer has been shown to strengthen marriages in several ways. Take time each day to say a simple prayer for your spouse’s well-being. 

That’s six practices to strengthen your marriage. Start engaging in these practices today and enjoy a thriving marriage with your spouse for a lifetime.

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Self-Compassion & Marriage?

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Are you hard on yourself? Do you expect more from yourself than you do of others? Do you struggle to forgive yourself? If so, you could be robbing your marriage and your spouse of greater happiness. A study involving 209 heterosexual couples found that a “caring, kind, and attentive attitude toward oneself, especially with regard to your own shortcomings,” contributes to greater happiness in marriages. In other words, self-compassion leads to happier marriages, happier spouses, and greater satisfaction in sexual intimacy. Men, in particular, reported a higher level of relationship satisfaction if their wife was self-compassionate. Doesn’t that sound like something you’d like in your marriage? Ironically, it begins with practicing self-compassion, “a caring, kind, and attentive attitude toward oneself, especially with regard to your own shortcomings.”  Even better news, you can increase your self-compassion and so increase your marital satisfaction for both you and your spouse, by engaging in these practices.

  • When you experience a personal failure or perceive a personal inadequacy, ask yourself, “How would I behave toward my friend if they were in this type of situation?” “What advice would I offer a friend in a similar situation?”  Then give heed to your answer. We often find it easier to show compassion to our friends than to ourselves. Give yourself the same advice you’d give your friend…and listen to that advice.
  • Look closely at the expectations you place on yourself. Are they realistic? Do they leave room for mistakes? What might be a more realistic self-expectation?  We often place unrealistic expectations on ourselves. We become perfectionistic and overly critical of any shortcoming. Examine your expectations and accept that you are human.
  • Offer yourself encouragement. We easily slip into self-critical or self-degrading comments. We tell ourselves we’re a “lousy cook” when we overcook the chicken one time or call ourselves “lazy” or minimize our knowledge. Instead, be honest with yourself. Sure, we all have shortcomings but don’t turn a shortcoming into a character trait. Encourage yourself. Don’t make a passing failure a permanent state of being. Instead, encourage yourself. Consider times you have done better. Make a plan to learn and grow. Restate those harsh criticisms with greater self-compassion and with a more accurate truth. Learn to offer yourself encouragement and affirmations.
  • Listen to your thoughts and reframe them into more accurate thoughts. Throw out the “always” and “nevers.” Replace them with “this time” or “sometimes.”   Replace the global statements (everything, my whole…) with specific statements (this time, this incident, this moment). Admit it’s not “all about you” and you’re not to “blame for everything.”  Then have the grace to take responsibility only for those things over which you actually have control.
  • Do something nice for yourself today. It could be simple: take a bath, call a friend, read a book, take a walk…. Do something nice for yourself today.

Learn to show yourself a little compassion. Show yourself as much compassion as you would show a good friend. When you do, you will find greater joy, your spouse will experience greater happiness, and your marriage will grow more satisfying.

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The Harmony of Truth and Love in Conflict

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The happiest marriages hold a beautiful harmony of truth and love, even in the midst of conflict. I like how Jimmy Evans puts it (You can read this quote from Jimmy Evans and more @ Jimmy Evans Quotes (Author of Tipping Point) (goodreads.com)):

“Truth without love is like surgery without anesthesia. Love without truth is like a cheerleader without a team. But truth in love is meaningful…and it is the only way communication can be effective and cause growth in relationship.”

In other words, a healthy marriage requires a harmony of truth and love, especially in conflict and the expression of our thoughts and feelings. Healthy couples strive to create a loving environment in which they both feel safe enough to share their true thoughts and feelings. The ability to share our deeper thoughts and feelings demands truth and love on the part of both partners, the one listening and the one speaking. 

The speaker must give voice to their thoughts, concerns, and feelings in a loving manner. This requires a great deal of self-awareness. They must remain self-aware enough to know how their choice of words and their tone of voice impact the meaning of their message and the listener’s ability to hear that message. It also requires integrity, a deep truthfulness within our hearts, to recognize how “my” speech impacts the listener and then a humility that allows one to adjust my communication based on that truth.

In love, the speaker will start the conversation gently rather than harshly. They will begin with kindness and love rather than casting blame, making accusations, or throwing out negative labels. They will begin with the objective truth of what has happened, the objective situations that cause them distress, rather than speculation about the other person’s intent or motivation.

In love, the speaker will reveal themselves to their spouse, offering them the gift of knowing them more deeply. In love, they will reveal their subjective feelings about the situation while still taking true responsibility for managing their emotions and their response to their emotions. They will offer the gift of their vulnerability as they describe ways in which their spouse’s actions or words have contributed to their distress. 

In love, the speaker will also believe the best about their spouse. They will believe their spouse did not intend harm. They will believe their spouse will desire reconciliation and will apologize for any hurt caused. In other words, the speaker will speak in love, believing the best about their spouse in love, and assuming the best response from their spouse in love until there is some objective reason (truth) to believe otherwise.  After all, “love believes all things.”

The listener must also act in truth and love. In love, the listener will accept the gift of revelation from their spouse. They will postpone their defensiveness and their explanation to listen fully, to listen to understand. As they listen, they will consider the truth of their spouse’s message. They will hold the truth of their spouse’s message in their heart and allow that truth to influence them. In love, they will apologize as needed and in truth they will bear the fruit of their apology. They will lovingly change their behavior according to the truth.

In love, the listener will focus on their spouse’s emotions, their feelings, so they can offer comfort and deepen their understanding of their spouse. Selflessly, in love, they will postpone their own response until their spouse feels heard and understood. Even then they will speak with love, accepting what their spouse has said and allowing it to influence them.

As you can see, throughout this process the speaker and the listener must harmonize truth and love in their words, their actions, and their responses. Truth by itself would simply cause more pain. Love, without truth, is no more than a shallow blowing in the breeze…in fact, it’s not really love at all. But the harmony of truth and love produces a beautiful intimacy. The truth brings concerns to the surface so they can be addressed and resolved. The truth compels each one to assess their own actions and behaviors. Love drives each one to tell the truth so the relationship can be strengthened through the resolution of even minor concerns. Love compels each one to state the truth gently, objectively, caringly so the other can hear it more easily.

When we learn to speak the truth in love, the harmony we experience is profound and the intimacy we share is beautiful.

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The Cycle of Communication & Trust

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Relationships are built on trust and trust is built upon self-revealing communications. On the other hand, meaningful communication requires trust and trust is nurtured by meaningful communication. Trust, however, doesn’t just happen. It needs to be refined. It requires testing. In fact, a wise person tests the water of trust before diving in with deeper, more vulnerable communication. Even in marriages and families, trust is continually tested. In fact, communication and trust form a cycle of increasing or decreasing trust. Let me give an example.

My wife walks in the room and sighs, “What a day.”  With that simple statement, she has “put a toe in the water” of trust. Is it warm or cold? Can she trust me to listen or not?

If I continue staring at my computer screen and say, “Well, what’s for supper?” I have shown the water cold. She cannot trust me to listen or to make myself available to her. If this scenario occurs more often than not, trust diminishes. Communication becomes less frequent and more shallow. As communication decreases, so does trust. And the cycle continues.

However, if I respond by looking up from my computer screen and say, “Sounds like a long day. What happened?” I have shown the water of trust to be warm. I have opened the door to communication. My wife feels more trust and delves in a little more. She begins to tell me about her day.  As I respond with interest and concern, matching her mood with empathy and understanding, her level of trust continues to grow. Feeling safer, she reveals more of herself and her heart. I learn more about her as she trusts me to reveal not just the events of the day but her emotions and concerns as well. If this scenario occurs more often than not, trust grows. Communication increases and deepens. As communication deepens, so does trust.

Responding with interest and empathy creates a beautiful cycle in which trust invites deeper communication. Deeper communication leads to greater trust, which invites the communication of deeper disclosures that lead to greater intimacy.  This beautiful cycle of trust and communication ultimately leads to greater joy, deeper intimacy, and greater security for both partners.

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To Keep Your Marriage Stronger, Longer

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Do you want to have a life-long, happy marriage? I do….and I have good news. According to research, this one daily behavior will contribute to a long, happy marriage. The findings came from analyzing data from 732 couples between the ages of 64- and 74-years-old. What is the behavior that contributes to a joyous marriage well into late adulthood? Well, the research involved having couples increase the frequency of intimacy in their marriage. Those that increased the frequency of their intimacy reported increased marital quality.  Not that surprising, right?  Couples that enjoy intimacy report greater positivity about their marriage. Physical contact protects the quality of a marriage.

Another study noted that a particular type of intimacy promotes well-being in marriages: kissing. Just like the old song: “K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” Kissing decreases a person’s level of cortisol (a stress hormone) while increasing oxytocin (a hormone that encourages bonding). Kissing also relaxes people and builds a deeper connection between those kissing. Decreased stress. Increased bonding. Greater connection. Each can add to a person’s sense of well-being. And, of course, previous blogs talk about the importance of hugging.

Spending quality time intimately conversing with your spouse will also increase the well-being of your marriage. Sit down and have a conversation with your spouse. Discuss your hopes and dreams as well as all the things you admire and adore about your spouse. “Look into their eyes” and tell them the depth of your love.

Let me ask again. Do you want a life-long, happy marriage? Then enjoy intimacy with your spouse. Kiss. Hug. Hold hands. Enjoy meaningful conversation with one another. Go with the flow and “see where it goes.” Not just once, but practice, practice, practice. Not only will you promote better marital quality, but you’ll have fun as well.

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A Sacred Challenge for Your Family

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Fred Rogers said, “I believe that appreciation is a holy thing—that when we look for what’s best in a person we happen to be with at the moment, we’re doing what God does all the time. So in loving and appreciating our neighbor, we’re participating in something sacred.”

I agree. I also believe that the best place to start this holy activity is within our families. When we practice the holy activity of appreciation within the family, we nurture a healthier family. We will also raise a generation of people who appreciate others and engage in the holy art of appreciation. A generation armed with the sacred tool of appreciation will nurture peace in our communities, scattering hatred of self and others. After all, a child who knows they are appreciated learns to appreciate themselves and others, to love themselves and others, to have confidence in themselves and others. In this way, the “holy thing” of appreciation within the family can start a movement that might change the world. You may think my vision grandiose. But, even if I’m wrong and it doesn’t change the world, it will most definitely change your family.

With this in mind, let me present a challenge for you and your family.

  • Write down the name of each family member on a piece of paper.
  • Every day for the next month, look for and identify one thing you can appreciate about each family member. This may include something you admire about their character or some action you can thank them for.
  • Express that appreciation to them verbally as it occurs.
  • Then, at the end of each day, write that appreciation next to their name.
  • At the end of the month, sit down as a family and review your appreciation list over a favorite family meal or dessert. Enjoy the appreciation and watch your children’s faces and your spouse’s face glow with joy to know how much they are appreciated.
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