Archive for Family Shepherds

The Work of Children…and Adults

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Fred Rogers is credited with saying, “Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.” I agree. Alison Gopnik also agrees. She reviews research in her book The Gardner and the Carpenter which suggests:

  • Play helps children learn to interact with others. It allows them to practice negotiating and compromising as well as other social skills.
  • Exploratory play provides the opportunities for children to learn how things work. It helps them learn about their environment as well.
  • Pretend play encourages children to think about possibilities and options. It helps them consider potential responses to various situations. It provides an opportunity to learn how another person might think or feel in various situations. This can increase our children’s empathy and compassion.
  • As children play randomly with various toys and friends, unexpected situations arise. In response, our children learn how to better deal with the unexpected.

Review that short list of the benefits of play. We, as adults, will also benefit from learning and practicing those skills. And that’s not all. There are more things play provides that will benefit children and adults. For instance, play helps reduce depression and increase social connectedness. Play enhances a sense of personal agency. It promotes our ability to problem-solve. It improves our overall sense of well-being. What adult doesn’t want these attributes in their own life? And what parent does not want these attributes to grow within the lives of their children’s lives?

Mr. Rogers had it right. “Play really is serious learning,” but not just for children. It is “serious learning” for adults too. It’s “serious learning” for the whole family. With that in mind, I want to make a recommendation for you and your family. Take play seriously. Grab your children and play every day. Play a game. Play an imaginative, make-believe game or a board game. Engage in sports play. Play music. Playfully explore a new place. Meet another family and enjoy a playful time together. Choose whatever avenue of play you like best…just play…every day…play! Have fun… and reap the benefits of “the serious learning” of play for your whole family.

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To Grow, Teach Your Younger Self

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College age (the late teens and early twenties) has become a time of rapid transition and change. Many young adults may have more addresses during this time of life than they did from birth through high school. Along with different addresses are different roommates and different neighborhood experiences. They also experience a changing, developing sense of identity as they move from childhood to adulthood, from a stage of dependency and living within the rules of family to independence and developing their own life rules. They may even experiment with behaviors we don’t especially like. Importantly though, they also exhibit a growing sense of wisdom and insight. A study from the University of Surrey capitalized on that growing wisdom and insight. They had participants between the ages of 20- and 24-years-old look at photographs of their teen selves while reflecting aloud, offering advice and reflecting on life. Many told themselves to set clear boundaries, let go of bad relationships, or embrace change.  In general, their reflections clarified three lessons they learned.

  1. Create a safe space. Creating a safe space includes choosing supportive friends and walking away from negative relationships that might harm their well-being in some way. It also included setting and maintaining clear boundaries to support their growth, self-respect, and emotional health.
  2. Take a broader perspective. These young adults encouraged their teen selves to understand that everyone faces challenges. They reminded themselves that they were not alone in their struggles but that their struggles represented the common struggle of humanity. They reflected on the importance of valuing themselves for their character, not their appearance. This broader perspective also led them to resist social labels that try to “pigeonhole” them and instead live a life of character based on personal values.
  3. Trust yourself. In this category, participants emphasized the importance of taking care of themselves, focusing on personal growth, and avoiding comparing themselves to others. They noted that failure represented an opportunity for growth as much as success did, that persevering through challenges actually promoted growth and development in a positive way.

Those lessons sound like excellent advice for everyone to learn, especially those in their late teens and early twenties. Maybe you have a child in that age range. If you do, you might enjoy a fun family night of giving advice to your younger selves. Give everyone a picture of their teen self and allow each one to spend several minutes reflecting on themselves before offering any advice to their younger self that they would like to give. Parents could do this as well as young adults. You and your young adult might just learn some important lessons about life, family, and self. You might find yourself having some great discussion as a family about life, meaning, and important lessons we all need to learn.

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The Success of the “Good Enough Parent”

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Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician, coined the term “good enough mother” in the 1950’s. Today, however, many parents fear that “good enough” just isn’t good enough. They strive to become the “perfect parent.” But becoming a “perfect parent” just isn’t possible. In fact, striving to become the “perfect parent” will backfire and create even more difficulties. In fact, a study that involved over 700 parents found that the pressure to become a “perfect parent” contributed to parental burnout. In this study, 57% of parents reported symptoms of burnout in relation to their role as a parent. High self-expectations about what children “should be doing” and what opportunities they “should have” contributed to the pressure to become a “perfect parent.” Comparisons to other children and families also contributed to unrealistic expectations. Many parents see other families on social media smiling and having fun or in public as they put their best foot forward and think, “How are they doing all that? Why can’t I do it? What’s wrong with me?” We forget that we only see the positive side of their family life. In reality, they may be emotionally and physically exhausted and thinking the same thing about you.

Parental burnout had several negative repercussions in this study. First, parental burnout led to parents feeling more depressed and anxious. They became more irritable toward others in their lives. This interfered with their ability to have positive interactions with their children. Second, parents experiencing burnout tended to have children with more mental health issues like anxiety and depression as well. Children need healthy parents. The healthiest children also have parents who take time for self-care in order to manage their own emotional, mental, and physical health.

A third finding in this study, and the one I find most interesting, involved findings around what contributed to the healthiest children in the study. Specifically, “the more free play time that parents spend with their children and the lighter the load of structured extracurricular activities, the fewer mental health issues in their children.” Isn’t that interesting? When parents take time to engage their children in free play, it benefits their children. To have time for free play as a family will mean less time involved in structured extracurricular activities. In other words, the healthiest children and families did not succumb to the social pressure to achieve, the cultural expectation of over-scheduled lives, or the demand for involvement in multiple structured activities to prepare for future opportunities. They simply enjoyed one another. They probably still engaged in some structured activities, but a limited amount. They did not allow the cultural pressure for achievement and success to drive their family. Instead, they enjoyed time with one another in fun, playful activities. They didn’t feel the need to become the “perfect parent” with the “perfect child” who experiences “perfect success and achievement” in all areas to prepare for college and their future. Instead, they celebrated being a “good enough parent” with a happy child who experiences success in some areas while laughing and playing in even more areas. They enjoyed The Blessings of a B Minus…and the blessings of a healthy, happy family and child. Doesn’t that sound inviting?

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A Social Media Surprise

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A study that tracked 800 participants between the ages of 10- to 18-years by collecting data five times arrived at a surprising finding…a finding that may bring relief to many parents. This study suggests that teens who used social media actually spent more time with friends offline as well. That’s good news because face-to-face interactions (offline interactions) seem to be associated with positive mental health. Face-to-face interactions also provide opportunities to learn and practice positive social skills. What a surprising relief! Using social media did not reduce offline, face-to-face interactions. Instead, “higher social media engagement was linked with increased time spent with friends in person” as well.

(There was one group of teens for whom this was not true. If a teen struggled with social anxiety, using social media at a high rate puts them at risk of developing poorer social skills.)

Another study explored how digital communication impacted connectedness, positive social comparison, authentic self-presentation, civil participation, and self-control. This study suggests that teens fare better, have more positive digital communications that exhibit the above traits noted above when their parents actively engage with them around positive online communication and “know their way around technology.”

Social media and digital communication are rather new parenting challenges. It’s good to know that social media use does not reduce offline face-to-face interactions (except, perhaps, for those struggling with symptoms of social anxiety). However, that does not mean we simply let go and ignore how our children utilize social media and technology. In fact, as the second study suggests, our children learn to manage social media and technology in a healthy manner when they have an actively engaged parent who also manages their social media and technology use in a healthy manner. With all this in mind, let me offer two suggestions for all parents:

  1. Utilize technology and social media yourself but do so in a healthy manner. Don’t phub your children through “technoference.” Make sure your actions reveal that you love your children more than your phone, tablet, or computer.
  2. Remain actively involved in your children’s lives. Set healthy, age-appropriate boundaries on technology. Recognize that setting healthy boundaries will require some discussion as your children mature. Play games online and offline with them. Get to know their friends. Text, not just to check in on them or give them a directive, but also to communicate something fun in the moment. Most importantly, remain actively engaged in your children’s online and offline lives.
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Five Things Teens Want You to Know

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Ellen Galinsky, author of The Breakthrough Years, surveyed over 1,600 people between 9 years old and 19 years old and their parents. She collated their answer into five important messages teens want adults to know about them.

One, teens want adults to understand their development. All too often adults view teens as “deficient adults”–immature, moody, or risk-taking little adults. Unfortunately, that’s like calling a toddler ” a deficient preschooler.” Toddlers and preschoolers, like adolescents and adults, are two unique developmental stages in а person’s life. In the adolescent’s unique stage of development, exploration and adventure are necessary. They help the teen individuate, learn about their likes and dislikes, limits, and passions. One researcher noted that teens were “learning to be brave.” I believe they are also learning to be safe, to live their values, to impact their world.

Two, they want adults to talk WITH them, not AT them. They don’t want adults to simply tell them what to do. They want to discuss what to do. They want to be heard and considered in the process of finding a solution together.

Three, teens don’t want to be stereotyped. Even tweens and teens are unique, different from one another. Each teen is an individual with unique strengths and weakness, abilities and needs. Unfortunately adults (all of us I fear) too often lump all teens into same category… and the categories are often negative. For instance, adults often talk as if all teens are impulsive, at risk of addiction to any variety of things, hormonally driven and sexual obsessed, and rebellious. We forget that many teens have come up with creative solutions to community problems because they are willing to break with “the way we’ve always done it.” Many teens volunteer and show extreme kindness. Many teens do not use substances and love the outdoors. Teens have as much unique individuality as adults… Maybe more.

Four, teens want adults to understand their needs. In particular, teens want adults to understand their growing need for autonomy as well as their need for relationships and caring connection. They want adults to understand their need to feel supported & respected, especially by the important adults in their lives. And teens want to find ways to make an important contribution to their home, community, world.

Five teens want to learn stuff that’s useful.  They want to learn skills like goal setting, collaboration, communication, emotional intelligence, and perspective-taking. These skills build success overtime. They contribute to better relationships, effective work environments, greater work success, and healthier marriages and families. Who wouldn’t want to learn these skills!

Now you know these five facts teens want you to know. Think about ways in which you can apply this knowledge into the relationships you share with the teens in your life. You’ll find a greater joy in the relationship when you do.

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To My Children: Thank You

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Full disclosure: I love being a parent. Granted, parenting has its times of struggle. Over the years, I have experienced fears and concerns that threatened to rob me of joy in the process. I have experienced moments of frustration and disagreement also. But the ongoing times of joy, pride, and celebration far outweigh any negative moments. Still, I have two beautiful adult daughters who continue to add joy to my life. As I recall their years of growing up, I realize that I need to thank them. They helped me become a better person as we journeyed through our lives together…and I continue to become a better person through their involvement in my life today. So let me give you thanks.

  • Thank you for enjoying life with me. We have enjoyed music, food, play, and more together. I am so grateful that you were, and are, willing to share life with me.
  • Thank you for teaching me to listen more deeply. You opened me up to better know the value of patiently taking the time to listen and understand. You helped me understand how easily we can misunderstand and the power of listening to reach understanding.
  • Thank you for expanding my horizons. I have seen more of life than I had ever dreamed possible because of you. I have experienced more music, more ideas, more people, more places than I ever would have without you. You have “opened my eyes” to many aspects of the world I would have missed otherwise.
  • Thank you for helping me clarify my values and priorities. Sometimes you did this by asking questions; at other times by pushing against those values I do my best to exemplify. Most the time, however, your mere existence forced me to clarify my priorities and values. Your presence compelled me to examine my values as more than lofty ideas but as a lifestyle in which my everyday actions and words needed to match my beliefs for all to see. Thank you. 
  • Thank you for laughing with me and for making me laugh. I find great joy and happiness in the memories of laughter we have shared and in the assurance of future laughter I know we will share.
  • Thank you for celebrating with me. We have had and will continue to have wonderful celebrations for whatever reasons we can conceive of.
  • Thank you for teaching me about parts of the world (places, people, ideas, information) that I knew little about. I enjoy learning from you and have learned things I would have never known in a thousand years if not for you.  You both traveled (sometimes far away and sometimes near) and came home with wonderful stories of amazing places and beautiful people. I love to hear those stories about your experiences in the world.
  • Thank you for including me in your “worlds.”  I sit with “wide-eyed joy and anticipation” to witness concerts, talks, or writings of which you are a part. When you were little people often referred to you as “my daughters.” Today, I feel pride when people refer to me as “your father.” It is a joy to become known first and perhaps only as “your father” as I step into “your worlds.”
  • Most of all, thank you for your love. Knowing you love me means the world to me. Thank you for expressing that love in little everyday ways. Thank you for sharing your lives with me. Thank you for your love.
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Smile, It’s Revolutionary

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Smiling is revolutionary. Smiling at someone when they walk in the room makes them feel welcome. When we display a genuine smile, people around us start to smile as well. Smiling can also turn things around for the one smiling, moving them from a negative, pessimistic outlook to a more positive outlook. (Feeling negative? Pessimistic? Put on a Smile) Now, a study from the University of Essex found another amazing result of even a brief smile.

In this study, participants were shown an “expressionless face” and asked whether the face was happy or sad. When the researchers activated the participants’ facial muscles to elicit a genuine smile, even a weak smile lasting only 500 milliseconds, it contributed to that person perceiving happiness in the “expressionless face.” Isn’t that amazing? Simply smiling made a neutral face appear happier. So, if you’re on safari for the elusive smile in your teen or spouse, start by smiling yourself (LOL-On Safari for the Elusive Smile).When you do, you’re more likely to find the smile in them.

Smiling will not only help you perceive greater happiness in your family and those around you, it will also initiate a little spiral of joy. After all, seeing happiness in another person elicits happiness in the viewer (in this case, you). Feeling that little bit of happiness may contribute to a slight smile on your face, which can make the whole family feel happier. (Smile for a Happier Family) It’s a win-win. You smile and see happiness sooner and so add happiness to your day eliciting a smile from you that your family sees and feels happiness grow as a result. It’s a wonderful spiral of joy that begins with a simple smile. Smiling really is revolutionary.

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The Long-Term Impact of Junk Food on the Teen Brain

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Family life is busy these days. Families run from activity to activity stopping to grab something quick and easy to eat on the way. Unfortunately, those “quick and easy” meals are often high in fat and sugar. A University of Southern California study found that a high-fat, sugary diet during teen years may contribute to lower levels of acetylcholine in the brain. Acetylcholine is a neurotransmitter essential for memory, learning, and attention. This study suggests that a diet high in fat and sugar lowers acetylcholine which then interfered with memory…and not just for a short time but for a lifetime! It contributed to a lower level of acetylcholine that did not reverse by merely reimplementing a healthy diet. As a result, memory did not improve with the shift to a healthy diet. The damage was done and, in this study, was only reversed with the use of medication. The authors of the study noted that “more research is needed to know how memory problems from a junk food diet during adolescence can be reversed.”

I don’t want to sound alarmist. But I do want to encourage families to think differently about their teens, their diet, and time. After all, families can avoid this whole mess by taking the time to promote a healthy diet in the home. That time invested in promoted a healthy diet for our teens is well worth the effort though. They will reap a lifetime of benefits from a healthy diet. In addition, our teens need a healthy diet to thrive physically and mentally for today and as they mature.

What can you do to make sure they eat a healthy diet? First and foremost, eat at least one family meal a day as many days a week as possible. Family meal preparation tends to result in our children eating healthier foods and a healthier balance of foods. Eating as a family not only promotes healthy eating habits, but it also promotes positive family relationships. This one suggestion may prove the most effective means of improving your adolescent’s healthy eating habits.

Second, keep healthy snacks in your home. Encourage your children and teens to eat fruits and nuts for snacks. Try hummus or veggies when hunger strikes. Greek yogurt, guacamole and tortilla chips, trail mix…. You get the idea. Keep healthy snacks on hand and ready. These healthy snacks can even provide tasty nutrition while you’re on the run.

Our adolescents (and our children) need a healthy diet to lay the foundation for the healthiest development possible. A healthy diet may demand some time and effort to put in place, but your adolescents will reap the benefits for a lifetime. They will experience healthier brain development and functioning. They will learn healthy eating habits that will support them physically and mentally for a lifetime. And you’ll enjoy watching them mature.

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Nurture Your Child’s “Why”

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An old proverb tells us that “curiosity killed the cat.” Fortunately, our children are not cats because they ca ask “why” incessantly. But in actuality, curiosity helps children learn and grow, even survive. It contributes to more positive emotions and less anxiety. It leads to higher achievement as well as stronger, healthier relationships (see Six Surprising Benefits of Curiosity for more). With that in mind, I’d like to nurture my children’s curiosity but I’m curious as to how.  Scott Shigeoka has a suggestion. He suggests teaching our children (and ourselves) to DIVE.

Detach from the assumptions, biases, and certainties you might cling to. Challenge your assumptions with alternative explanations and possibilities. For instance, if your friend shows up late, detach from the assumption that they don’t care or don’t respect your time. Consider the possibility of traffic, a minor emergency, or a previous appoint going longer than expected. Then, when you see them, ask. In other words, don’t jump to conclusions or assume the worst. Don’t become rigid in your assumptions and thoughts. Challenge yourself to think the best of others. Examine your beliefs and thoughts to assure their accuracy and truth. Be curious.

Intend to practice curiosity. Be intentional in your practice of curiosity. Be deliberate. This will involve nurturing a mindset that purposefully practices curiosity.  Think about questions you might ask another person. Visualize how you might interact in a loving, curious manner. If you have a disagreement or conflict, intentionally begin to explore areas of agreement that might exist and how you might express curiosity about the other person’s point of view.

Value other people. We tend to become more curious about those things and people we value. It’s hard to show curiosity about those things we just don’t care about. So intentionally recognize the inherent dignity in people, including yourself. Acknowledge their inherent value. Recognize that people are complex being with families, joys, struggles, personalities, beliefs, likes, and dislikes…just like you. When you recognize another’s complexity and acknowledge their dignity and value, you can more easily choose to understand rather than judge and love rather than ignore.

Embrace your life, especially the hard times. Embracing the hard times reminds us to get curious about those things that arouse our fears, like changes and transitions that happen around us and in us throughout our lives. Too many times we shut down and dig in when changes occur. This can lead to defensiveness, fighting, or shutting down, all of which hinder our relationships. Embrace the change by getting curious about what it means, what possibilities it carries, what you can learn about yourself and others.

The best way to teach your children to DIVE into curiosity is to practice it yourself. DIVE in and begin to get curious. You will discover great benefits for you and your children, like greater connection, deeper intimacy, less anxiety, and more joy. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Go ahead. Get curious and find out if these results really happen.

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“Take 10” Before Answering Your Children

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Sometimes it’s best to not give your children an immediate answer. I know they’ll complain. After all, they want an answer “now.” However, there are times to “take 10” (or 20 or 30 or even a whole day) before answering. Not all answers come easily or quickly. In fact, let me offer 4 times it’s definitely best to wait before answering.

  • Don’t give an immediate answer when you’re distracted or busy. You might give an answer to a question you haven’t even fully heard. You might give an answer you didn’t intend. Only answer when you can give your full attention and thought to your child and their question or request.
  • Don’t give an immediate answer when you are upset or feeling guilty. When you feel upset or guilty you might “give too much.” You might answer out of our guilt rather than wisdom and values. You might answer out of anger about something unrelated to your children rather than answering out of love for your children and concern for their well-being.
  • Don’t give an immediate answer when your children are whining or yelling. If you give an answer during that time you will likely answer out of agitation or, if you’re in public, fear of embarrassment. If you answer by giving in to their request to avoid embarrassment, you have just reinforced their behavior. You have taught them an effective way to get what they want. You’ve taught them how to manipulate your answer.  Better to wait.
  • Don’t give an immediate answer when you’re feeling tired or insecure about your parenting. Once again, this may lead us to give an answer that doesn’t align with your family values.

If it’s best to not offer an immediate answer at these times, what can we do? How can we prepare for these moments?

  1. Before a situation even arises, establish your family’s core values and boundaries. Talk about those values often. Once your core values are established, you can base your decisions and answers on those values and boundaries. Remember, these are your whole family’s values and boundaries.
  2. Establish a healthy support group. It takes a village to be a good parent. Gather a group of like-minded parents around you. Support one another. When you’re not sure about how to answer a question or request, use a “lifeline” by calling a friend in your support group. Talk it through with them.
  3. Tell your child you can’t answer right now but you can tell them an answer at a specific time in the near future.  Remember, you want to give an answer that aligns with the values and boundaries you have established. You may need time to think about that answer. You may want to talk with a friend and “throw around some ideas” about the best response. An important caveat though–get back to your child by the time you stated. They need to know they can trust you to follow through on your word.
  4. Talk with your child rather than give an immediate answer. Ask questions. Talk about their request and what it really means to them. Talk about your concerns as well as areas in which you see their growth. Tell them how you are proud of them. Offer an age-appropriate explanation for your response so they can understand how it fits in with your family’s values and boundaries. Talking with your child about their request and your answer helps them learn to think through the request on their own, an important skill as they mature.

Put these actions in place and remember, you can always “take 10” before answering your child. In fact, it may be best to take a day to “sleep on it” before answering to make sure you answer wisely and in accordance with your values.

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