Archive for Grace

Jealousy in Love

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I work with several young women who struggle to find healthy romantic relationships. One of the challenges I’ve observed (and these young women have pointed out to me time and again) is that the young men they date often get jealous of their success. The young men become insecure and attempt to control them when the woman is appropriately friendly with others or experiences a level of success or gets a raise or…or really anything that promotes their status. I want to deny this, but I have seen it happen too many times. Jealousy raises its green little head and shatters the relationship. Because of their partner’s insecurity, the young women are faced with the false choice of rising to their full potential or “dumbing it down” so “their guy doesn’t get jealous.” 

On the other hand, according to one of the great passages on love, “love is not jealous.”  Love celebrates the successes of others, girlfriend or spouse included. Love rejoices with the truth of their spouse’s God-given talent and ability. Instead of jealousy over a spouse’s strength and growth:

  • Love celebrates their success with them. Love rejoices with those who rejoice and weeps with those who weep. Enjoy the celebration of your spouse’s strengths and successes.
  • Love recognizes that jealousy is a feeling not an action. Jealousy flows from our own insecurities and inaccurate comparisons. We need not compare our lives to any other person. Each of us has our own strengths and roles. Accept and celebrate the diversity of the people in your life. Rather than allowing jealousy to arise, celebrate the strength of diversity.
  • Love also recognizes jealousy as a sign to address our own insecurities. Life can often arouse feelings of insecurity and insignificance in us. Jealousy signals a need to resolve past issues that have contributed to feelings of insecurity. Take time to work through the past and make any internal changes needed.

Jealousy has interfered with the formation of loving relationships and the stability of loving marriages. Don’t let it destroy your marriage or love. Do the personal work of resolving your past and building your sense of a secure identity so you can rejoice with the successes of your spouse.

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Family, Anger, and the Heart

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Anger…everyone experiences anger. We get angry over so many things. Even those we love can arouse our anger at times. Many times, however, our anger is not a “righteous anger” over some injustice or true wrong but a reflection of our selfishness—things don’t go “my” way, someone interferes with “me” getting what “I” want, or something making “me look bad.” Perhaps it is that selfish aspect of anger that can make it so detrimental to our relational and physical health. It’s true, anger is detrimental to our physical health.

In fact, a study recently compared the impact of sadness, anxiety, and anger on vascular functioning, which impacts heart health. The results of this study revealed that sadness and anxiety did not impact vascular functioning, but anger did. Anger led to an “impairment in blood vessel dilation,” which can increase the risk of heart disease.

Why do I tell you this? Because I know you love your family with all your heart and, as a result, you want to protect your heart and your family’s heart by helping everyone manage anger effectively. Do so begins with you. When you model effective anger management, your spouse and children will likely learn better anger management skills as well. What are these skills?

  • Identifying the thoughts that escalate your “anger cycle.” When you become angry, what thoughts go through your mind? These thoughts will likely follow a pattern, so identify the pattern. Does the pattern of thought involve personalizing? Catastrophizing or generalizing? Blaming? Unrealistic expectations? As you identify these anger promoting thought patterns, write down alternative, yet realistic, thoughts that will help manage your anger, soothe your anger, see the situation in a more realistic manner rather than through the lens of anger. For example, rather than generalizing, make the thought specific. Instead of catastrophizing, let the thought reflect the temporary nature of the situation. If you hold unrealistic expectations, write down realistic expectations.
  • While looking at your “anger cycle,” become aware of what you feel physically as anger escalates. How does your body feel different when you are a little agitated versus angry versus “about to blow”? Where do you first feel anger in your body? How do you recognize anger in your neck, torso, hands, legs, head? Now, practice relaxation exercises for each body part. Learn how you can help that body part relax and “stay calm” in the midst of anger.
  • Breath. Take a deep breath and blow the breath out slowly as if you were blowing through a straw. As you let your breath slowly escape, turn your head to look around the room and notice the details of where you are. You’ll be surprised how much your anger will calm while doing this simple breath.
  • Walk away for 30 minutes. Rather than dwell and let the anger escalate, ask to take a break with the promise of returning to the issue at hand after 30 minutes. During your break, don’t dwell on the issue triggering your anger. If you are angry at a loved one, remember the loving times you have enjoyed with them. Sing a song. Do a puzzle. Read a magazine. Chances are, as you allow your mind to dwell on something other than your anger, you will return calmer and may even wonder why it had escalated so much to begin with.
  • Apologize for the part you played in the situation that aroused the anger. Apologize with no “but’s.” Simply take responsibility for any part you played in the anger arousing situation. Apology is humbling, but it reflects love and strength. It proves stronger than anger.
  • Practice forgiveness. Don’t hold a grudge. Let go of the desire for revenge and begin to intentionally think about the other person’s well-being. It’s an act of altruism and often demands a price, but forgiveness contributes to decreasing anger, increasing justice, and increasing intimacy.

Don’t let anger infect the hearts of you or your family members. Instead, let anger signal the need to relax your body, assess your thoughts and expectations, apologize, and forgive. Your heart and your family’s heart will thank you. In fact, they’ll love you wholeheartedly for managing your anger effectively.

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Social Media and a Better Body Image

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Body image is a growing issue among young women, women like our daughters and our wives. However, a study from York University’s faculty of health showed a way to help improve body image. This study involved freshman college women (first year undergraduates) who were divided into two groups. One group continued to use social media as they always did. The other group took a “one-week vacation” from all social media apps including Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, and others. The study began with surveys assessing the baseline of self-esteem and body image. The participants completed these surveys again after the on-week intervention.

The results? The young women who took a one-week vacation from social media use exhibited an increase in positive self-esteem and body satisfaction. The increase in positive self-esteem included all areas of self-esteem assessed, including performance, appearance, and social effectiveness. Additionally, those who exhibited the greatest improvement in self-esteem and body satisfaction were the most vulnerable, those most focused on a “thin ideal.”

Why does taking “a week off” social media contribute to an increase in positive self-esteem and body satisfaction? Good question. First, a week off social media means spending less time making comparisons to others. It limits the fear-of-missing-out that grows out of those comparisons. It also means less time viewing filtered images of other people’s bodies. Secondly, less time on social media may mean spending more time socializing face-to-face, sleeping, getting outdoors, getting exercise, or some other healthier activity. In other words, the time spent on social media may get replaced with healthier activities.

What does all this mean for you and your family? That’s the important question for me. If you, or someone in your family, struggle with body image and self-esteem, you might try taking a week off of social media. Maybe you can even take a week off of social media as a family. You might replace the time spent on social media sits with family time playing games, getting outdoors, interacting with actual eye contact. All these activities will contribute to greater family joy and intimacy. I’m checking my summer now so I can include a one-week social media vacation for my family. When will you schedule your family social media vacation?

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Self-Compassion & Marriage?

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Are you hard on yourself? Do you expect more from yourself than you do of others? Do you struggle to forgive yourself? If so, you could be robbing your marriage and your spouse of greater happiness. A study involving 209 heterosexual couples found that a “caring, kind, and attentive attitude toward oneself, especially with regard to your own shortcomings,” contributes to greater happiness in marriages. In other words, self-compassion leads to happier marriages, happier spouses, and greater satisfaction in sexual intimacy. Men, in particular, reported a higher level of relationship satisfaction if their wife was self-compassionate. Doesn’t that sound like something you’d like in your marriage? Ironically, it begins with practicing self-compassion, “a caring, kind, and attentive attitude toward oneself, especially with regard to your own shortcomings.”  Even better news, you can increase your self-compassion and so increase your marital satisfaction for both you and your spouse, by engaging in these practices.

  • When you experience a personal failure or perceive a personal inadequacy, ask yourself, “How would I behave toward my friend if they were in this type of situation?” “What advice would I offer a friend in a similar situation?”  Then give heed to your answer. We often find it easier to show compassion to our friends than to ourselves. Give yourself the same advice you’d give your friend…and listen to that advice.
  • Look closely at the expectations you place on yourself. Are they realistic? Do they leave room for mistakes? What might be a more realistic self-expectation?  We often place unrealistic expectations on ourselves. We become perfectionistic and overly critical of any shortcoming. Examine your expectations and accept that you are human.
  • Offer yourself encouragement. We easily slip into self-critical or self-degrading comments. We tell ourselves we’re a “lousy cook” when we overcook the chicken one time or call ourselves “lazy” or minimize our knowledge. Instead, be honest with yourself. Sure, we all have shortcomings but don’t turn a shortcoming into a character trait. Encourage yourself. Don’t make a passing failure a permanent state of being. Instead, encourage yourself. Consider times you have done better. Make a plan to learn and grow. Restate those harsh criticisms with greater self-compassion and with a more accurate truth. Learn to offer yourself encouragement and affirmations.
  • Listen to your thoughts and reframe them into more accurate thoughts. Throw out the “always” and “nevers.” Replace them with “this time” or “sometimes.”   Replace the global statements (everything, my whole…) with specific statements (this time, this incident, this moment). Admit it’s not “all about you” and you’re not to “blame for everything.”  Then have the grace to take responsibility only for those things over which you actually have control.
  • Do something nice for yourself today. It could be simple: take a bath, call a friend, read a book, take a walk…. Do something nice for yourself today.

Learn to show yourself a little compassion. Show yourself as much compassion as you would show a good friend. When you do, you will find greater joy, your spouse will experience greater happiness, and your marriage will grow more satisfying.

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The Benefit of Inaccurate Information

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We seem to live in days filled with misinformation, disinformation, and conspiracy. I find it frustrating and disappointing. Worse, I find it somewhat frightening for our children. But…then again… inaccurate information does offer our children benefits IF—and only IF—we develop and nurture a secure, stable, trusting relationship with them.

When children have a secure relationship with a reliable and trustworthy parent, they exhibit a greater ability to weigh the veracity of information they receive. They also show an improved ability to assess the reliability of the person sharing the information. Moreover, they tend to act on the intent of the information giver, not just the content they receive.

This is important for parents. After all there will be times in which we give our children inaccurate information. It may happen based on our own misunderstanding of the information or of the question asked. It can occur when we are tired. It may happen because we simply don’t know and thought we did. But it will happen. Truth be told (and I hate to admit this) even parents don’t know everything. As a result, we will share inaccurate information with our children at times. (For more, read The Perfectly Inadequate Parent.) But here’s one of the beautiful aspects of developing and nurturing a secure relationship with our children, one built on trust and reliability. When we make a mistake and share inaccurate information, they will recognize our intent to share accurate information. They will remember our character and integrity. Most importantly, they will act on our intent and our character, not the inaccurate information. They will correct any inaccurate or incomplete information we might have accidentally shared. (See An Amazing Parenting Insight Learned in Three Parts.) They will correct our inaccuracies and continue to love us, respect us, trust us, and turn to us.

Another benefit of inaccurate or misleading information involves strangers. When our children have a secure relationship with us, hearing inaccurate information helps them learn how to assess the reliability of a person and the extent to which they can trust that person. In other words, based in a secure relationship with a parent, inaccurate information helps our children learn discernment. That discernment will protect them from people who might try to take advantage of them through the dissemination of inaccurate information. It will protect them in this age of misinformation, disinformation, and conspiracy. In this way, inaccurate information can benefit our children…but only if they have a secure relationship with a trusted and dependable parent. Start building and nurturing that relationship with your child today. It will help them develop the discernment they need for a lifetime.

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In the Shadow of the Cross

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It’s Saturday, the day after Good Friday and the day before Resurrection Sunday. I’m left only with my thoughts as I sit in the silence between the pain of death and the hope of resurrection. I imagine the friends and family of Jesus sitting silently, hopelessly pondering a myriad of questions. What would happen next? Why did He die? What will become of us? Was it all a lie? I join them in confusion as I look at our world and wonder what the cross has to offer. In a world so distraught by greed and pride, conflict and war, what does the cross have to offer? Closer to home, what can our families and communities learn from the cross? Of course, we know the end of the story, so we know the resurrection brings life and hope. But what of today, the day before the resurrection? What do we learn in the silence?

We learn that the cross calls us to give ourselves up in humble submission to one another. Jesus “gave Himself up” for us in humble submission to His Father. For that very reason, He was “highly exalted” and given a “name above every name.” He returned to “the right hand” of His Father, “having become as much better than the angels.” Giving ourselves up in humble submission to one another opens the door to not only returning home but returning to a home filled with greater intimacy and joy. It opens the door to having a “greater reputation” as one who loves deeply enough to “give himself up” for the benefit of his family, his friends, and his community, as one who models true love for the whole family to emulate. Every family will benefit when they give themselves up in humble submission for the benefit of one another.

We learn that the cross points us toward reconciliation. We all make mistakes. We will offend one another, both unintentionally and intentionally. We will say the wrong thing. We will renege on our promises. We will neglect to speak or act in love. How can a marriage, a parent-child relationship, or a friendship continue in light of such offense? There is only one way: by offering forgiveness and so opening the door to reconciliation. Ironically, in following the model of the cross, the offended one, the one who was wronged, will pay the price of that wrong in order to initiate forgiveness and open the door to reconciliation. The cross teaches us to forgive and even bear the burden of pain brought about by the other person’s offense in order to open the door of reconciliation. Take a moment to think about that. Imagine how that type of cross-based forgiveness will impact your family.

Not only does the cross point us to reconciliation, but it also convicts us of our shortcomings. After all, “it was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished….” The cross calls us to “speak the truth in our hearts,” confess our wrongs, and bear the fruit of that repentance. In light of the cross, we cannot hide from our responsibility. We must “speak the truth in our hearts” and acknowledge when we hurt our spouse or children or neighbor or friend. We must apologize and seek forgiveness. We must then “change our ways” and live a life that reveals the depth of our sincere apology. To whom do you need to apologize? Your spouse? Your children? Your parent? Don’t wait. Do it.

Giving ourselves up…forgiving one another to open the door of reconciliation…taking responsibility for our wrongs, apologizing, and living the “fruit of repentance… They’re all found in the shadow of the cross. They’re all necessary for a healthy family. Imagine how such actions would impact your family. Then commit to living out these practices starting today.

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The Starter Ingredients of a Healthy Marriage

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Marriages require at least two basic ingredients added in the right order at the start. The first ingredient is dedication. That makes sense, doesn’t it? After all, if we desire to find success in any enterprise, we must dedicate time and energy into creating that success. In marriage, dedicating our time and energy means moving from “me” to a “we” and an “us.” We don’t simply move to an “us in the moment” either, but an “us with a future.” In practical terms this means placing a greater priority on our relationship than our individual self. We express our desire to remain an “us” by investing time together to build our relationship with our spouse. We willingly serve our spouse because we love them and are dedicated to their happiness. We forgive minor offenses because we are dedicated to a future together and have already seen the joys of our time together. We recognize that our love can continue to grow, and our intimacy continue to deepen, so we willingly make sacrifices, some small and some large, for one another.    

Dedication is supported by a second ingredient: constraint. Constraints are the bonds that naturally grow in relationships and make it more difficult to separate. For instance, when a couple announces to their friends that they are in an exclusive relationship, they have taken on a constraint. To break up after that announcement requires explaining to additional people and forcing those people into the awkward position of caring for (and possibly choosing between) both parties in a painful situation. Another constraint is buying a house (or getting a dog or buying a car) together. Joint ownership adds a layer of complication to separating as you have to negotiate how to “divey up the goods.”  Of course, having children adds another layer of constraint. As you can see, constraints arise naturally.

When dedication is strong, naturally arising constraints simply serve to strengthen an already strong relationship. However, without dedication, constraint begins to feel like a prison, an inescapable trap. This brings up a third surprising ingredient: timing. Ideally, a couple begins to build dedication before constraint, commitment before accepting the constraints of moving in together or having a baby together, for example. If a couple “slips” into a relationship through constraints, the relationship begins to feel like a trap. For instance, some couples move in together for convenience rather than dedication—it’s closer to work, a way to save money, an experiment to see if “we want to dedicate.” Such situations, often made without consideration to the level of dedication in the relationship, result in ambiguity, dissatisfaction, and even resentment. If constraints arise without dedication, the relationship eventually suffers. With that in mind, it becomes important for couples to clearly communicate their level of dedication and commitment before adding any level of constraint to their relationship. Your long-term happiness depends on it.

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The Harmony of Truth and Love in Conflict

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The happiest marriages hold a beautiful harmony of truth and love, even in the midst of conflict. I like how Jimmy Evans puts it (You can read this quote from Jimmy Evans and more @ Jimmy Evans Quotes (Author of Tipping Point) (goodreads.com)):

“Truth without love is like surgery without anesthesia. Love without truth is like a cheerleader without a team. But truth in love is meaningful…and it is the only way communication can be effective and cause growth in relationship.”

In other words, a healthy marriage requires a harmony of truth and love, especially in conflict and the expression of our thoughts and feelings. Healthy couples strive to create a loving environment in which they both feel safe enough to share their true thoughts and feelings. The ability to share our deeper thoughts and feelings demands truth and love on the part of both partners, the one listening and the one speaking. 

The speaker must give voice to their thoughts, concerns, and feelings in a loving manner. This requires a great deal of self-awareness. They must remain self-aware enough to know how their choice of words and their tone of voice impact the meaning of their message and the listener’s ability to hear that message. It also requires integrity, a deep truthfulness within our hearts, to recognize how “my” speech impacts the listener and then a humility that allows one to adjust my communication based on that truth.

In love, the speaker will start the conversation gently rather than harshly. They will begin with kindness and love rather than casting blame, making accusations, or throwing out negative labels. They will begin with the objective truth of what has happened, the objective situations that cause them distress, rather than speculation about the other person’s intent or motivation.

In love, the speaker will reveal themselves to their spouse, offering them the gift of knowing them more deeply. In love, they will reveal their subjective feelings about the situation while still taking true responsibility for managing their emotions and their response to their emotions. They will offer the gift of their vulnerability as they describe ways in which their spouse’s actions or words have contributed to their distress. 

In love, the speaker will also believe the best about their spouse. They will believe their spouse did not intend harm. They will believe their spouse will desire reconciliation and will apologize for any hurt caused. In other words, the speaker will speak in love, believing the best about their spouse in love, and assuming the best response from their spouse in love until there is some objective reason (truth) to believe otherwise.  After all, “love believes all things.”

The listener must also act in truth and love. In love, the listener will accept the gift of revelation from their spouse. They will postpone their defensiveness and their explanation to listen fully, to listen to understand. As they listen, they will consider the truth of their spouse’s message. They will hold the truth of their spouse’s message in their heart and allow that truth to influence them. In love, they will apologize as needed and in truth they will bear the fruit of their apology. They will lovingly change their behavior according to the truth.

In love, the listener will focus on their spouse’s emotions, their feelings, so they can offer comfort and deepen their understanding of their spouse. Selflessly, in love, they will postpone their own response until their spouse feels heard and understood. Even then they will speak with love, accepting what their spouse has said and allowing it to influence them.

As you can see, throughout this process the speaker and the listener must harmonize truth and love in their words, their actions, and their responses. Truth by itself would simply cause more pain. Love, without truth, is no more than a shallow blowing in the breeze…in fact, it’s not really love at all. But the harmony of truth and love produces a beautiful intimacy. The truth brings concerns to the surface so they can be addressed and resolved. The truth compels each one to assess their own actions and behaviors. Love drives each one to tell the truth so the relationship can be strengthened through the resolution of even minor concerns. Love compels each one to state the truth gently, objectively, caringly so the other can hear it more easily.

When we learn to speak the truth in love, the harmony we experience is profound and the intimacy we share is beautiful.

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Some Parental Confessions

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I remember having many doubts and questions while raising my children. I can remember thinking, “I have no idea what I’m doing” and, “This is too much. I’m overwhelmed.” On many occasions, I was exhausted, uncertain, overwhelmed. Have you ever felt that way? Have you made similar statements to yourself as a parent? Parenting can “take it out of us.”

So how do we get through those periods of doubt and confusion? We seek help. I don’t mean seeking a therapist (although that may prove helpful at times). I mean seeking out friends or family members. A healthy parent needs a support system, a village to provide support and answers to the many questions we encounter.

Supportive friends and family help us recognize the normalcy in the struggle of parenthood. I remember wondering (no, I remember worrying) about the normalcy of various behaviors my children engaged in while growing up. Every time, a friend whose children were much older than my children, would talk about times his children did the same things. It was a relief to learn my children’s behaviors were normal and I “wasn’t ruining them.” Supportive friends and family also taught me what types of activities and interactions with their children they found helpful. In addition, we could share our frustrations together, differentiate typical behavior from atypical behavior, behavior to worry about from typical behavior, and support one another in the journey of parenthood.

Supportive friends and family offer us time for self-care. We can turn to friends and family for periods of child-care that free us up to “take care of ourselves.” That may simply mean grocery shopping without an infant in arms or going on a date with our spouse. Knowing other couples with children may provide opportunities to share time watching children so each couple can go out as a couple. Or you might take turns with rides to school, practices, or activities, freeing one another up to take care of other things.

Supportive friends and family foster resilience and a sense of confidence. Having support strengthens us and empowers us to continue growing, even when we feel tired. They also can help assure we maintain a healthy balance in our parenting, pointing out ways we can improve in our parenting and ways in which we are doing well.

You can foster supportive friends and families in several ways.

  • Be the support you’re seeking. Offer to help a friend with their children, to take their children on an outing with your children. It can turn into an opportunity to do the same for one another. Encourage other parents you know.
  • Get involved in groups that include other families. That may include community groups, sports groups, music groups, dance groups, or MOPS to name a few. Church also provides an excellent source for family and parent support.
  • Meet your neighbors. I know it can prove difficult in today’s environment, but get to know your neighbors. Many neighbors become wonderful supports in helping raise children.

All parents need a village of support to empower and energize them in the task of parenthood. Who makes up your supportive village?

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Naps Are For Kids, Right?

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We encourage our babies and toddlers to take naps. But adults? No, naps are for kids. Or are they? I remember laying down with my children many times to get them to take a nap only to “doze off” myself. Is that bad? Researchers don’t think so. In fact, they suggest that naps may prove beneficial for adults as well as children. In one interview, the person being interviewed went so far as to report naps as virtuous.

What makes naps so good? We all get that “lull” in our attention and concentration in the afternoon. That represents a low point in our ultradian rhythms. It points to a need to let our body rest and recover from the natural work it has done and is doing during the day. When we take a short nap and allow our mind and body to recover, it sharpens our mind and helps us solve problems more effectively.  In fact, one study noted that those who took a short nap were better able to solve a math problem they struggled with prior to their nap. Naps also make us more productive; and they improve our mood.

There is a caveat though. The most productive naps are only 20-30 minutes long. These “short naps” allow us to rest and recover without suffering the sluggishness of trying to wake up from a deep sleep. Also, it is best to nap prior to 5pm so your nap does not interfere with your nighttime sleep schedule.

All this being said, a nap may be good for you and your family. It can help everyone stay in a better mood and so have greater patience with one another. It may help your family solve problems more easily, reduce conflict, or recover from conflict more quickly. And don’t forget that a nap can just make a person feel better. So why give all the good stuff to the kids? If you’re feeling overwhelmed, grumpy, or struggling to respond in a productive manner to the many things that arise in the day, take a nap. In fact, enjoy a family nap. It’s OK. It’s more than OK. It’s healthy for you and your family.  

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