Tag Archive for parenting

The Work of Children…and Adults

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Fred Rogers is credited with saying, “Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.” I agree. Alison Gopnik also agrees. She reviews research in her book The Gardner and the Carpenter which suggests:

  • Play helps children learn to interact with others. It allows them to practice negotiating and compromising as well as other social skills.
  • Exploratory play provides the opportunities for children to learn how things work. It helps them learn about their environment as well.
  • Pretend play encourages children to think about possibilities and options. It helps them consider potential responses to various situations. It provides an opportunity to learn how another person might think or feel in various situations. This can increase our children’s empathy and compassion.
  • As children play randomly with various toys and friends, unexpected situations arise. In response, our children learn how to better deal with the unexpected.

Review that short list of the benefits of play. We, as adults, will also benefit from learning and practicing those skills. And that’s not all. There are more things play provides that will benefit children and adults. For instance, play helps reduce depression and increase social connectedness. Play enhances a sense of personal agency. It promotes our ability to problem-solve. It improves our overall sense of well-being. What adult doesn’t want these attributes in their own life? And what parent does not want these attributes to grow within the lives of their children’s lives?

Mr. Rogers had it right. “Play really is serious learning,” but not just for children. It is “serious learning” for adults too. It’s “serious learning” for the whole family. With that in mind, I want to make a recommendation for you and your family. Take play seriously. Grab your children and play every day. Play a game. Play an imaginative, make-believe game or a board game. Engage in sports play. Play music. Playfully explore a new place. Meet another family and enjoy a playful time together. Choose whatever avenue of play you like best…just play…every day…play! Have fun… and reap the benefits of “the serious learning” of play for your whole family.

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The Success of the “Good Enough Parent”

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Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician, coined the term “good enough mother” in the 1950’s. Today, however, many parents fear that “good enough” just isn’t good enough. They strive to become the “perfect parent.” But becoming a “perfect parent” just isn’t possible. In fact, striving to become the “perfect parent” will backfire and create even more difficulties. In fact, a study that involved over 700 parents found that the pressure to become a “perfect parent” contributed to parental burnout. In this study, 57% of parents reported symptoms of burnout in relation to their role as a parent. High self-expectations about what children “should be doing” and what opportunities they “should have” contributed to the pressure to become a “perfect parent.” Comparisons to other children and families also contributed to unrealistic expectations. Many parents see other families on social media smiling and having fun or in public as they put their best foot forward and think, “How are they doing all that? Why can’t I do it? What’s wrong with me?” We forget that we only see the positive side of their family life. In reality, they may be emotionally and physically exhausted and thinking the same thing about you.

Parental burnout had several negative repercussions in this study. First, parental burnout led to parents feeling more depressed and anxious. They became more irritable toward others in their lives. This interfered with their ability to have positive interactions with their children. Second, parents experiencing burnout tended to have children with more mental health issues like anxiety and depression as well. Children need healthy parents. The healthiest children also have parents who take time for self-care in order to manage their own emotional, mental, and physical health.

A third finding in this study, and the one I find most interesting, involved findings around what contributed to the healthiest children in the study. Specifically, “the more free play time that parents spend with their children and the lighter the load of structured extracurricular activities, the fewer mental health issues in their children.” Isn’t that interesting? When parents take time to engage their children in free play, it benefits their children. To have time for free play as a family will mean less time involved in structured extracurricular activities. In other words, the healthiest children and families did not succumb to the social pressure to achieve, the cultural expectation of over-scheduled lives, or the demand for involvement in multiple structured activities to prepare for future opportunities. They simply enjoyed one another. They probably still engaged in some structured activities, but a limited amount. They did not allow the cultural pressure for achievement and success to drive their family. Instead, they enjoyed time with one another in fun, playful activities. They didn’t feel the need to become the “perfect parent” with the “perfect child” who experiences “perfect success and achievement” in all areas to prepare for college and their future. Instead, they celebrated being a “good enough parent” with a happy child who experiences success in some areas while laughing and playing in even more areas. They enjoyed The Blessings of a B Minus…and the blessings of a healthy, happy family and child. Doesn’t that sound inviting?

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Five Things Teens Want You to Know

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Ellen Galinsky, author of The Breakthrough Years, surveyed over 1,600 people between 9 years old and 19 years old and their parents. She collated their answer into five important messages teens want adults to know about them.

One, teens want adults to understand their development. All too often adults view teens as “deficient adults”–immature, moody, or risk-taking little adults. Unfortunately, that’s like calling a toddler ” a deficient preschooler.” Toddlers and preschoolers, like adolescents and adults, are two unique developmental stages in а person’s life. In the adolescent’s unique stage of development, exploration and adventure are necessary. They help the teen individuate, learn about their likes and dislikes, limits, and passions. One researcher noted that teens were “learning to be brave.” I believe they are also learning to be safe, to live their values, to impact their world.

Two, they want adults to talk WITH them, not AT them. They don’t want adults to simply tell them what to do. They want to discuss what to do. They want to be heard and considered in the process of finding a solution together.

Three, teens don’t want to be stereotyped. Even tweens and teens are unique, different from one another. Each teen is an individual with unique strengths and weakness, abilities and needs. Unfortunately adults (all of us I fear) too often lump all teens into same category… and the categories are often negative. For instance, adults often talk as if all teens are impulsive, at risk of addiction to any variety of things, hormonally driven and sexual obsessed, and rebellious. We forget that many teens have come up with creative solutions to community problems because they are willing to break with “the way we’ve always done it.” Many teens volunteer and show extreme kindness. Many teens do not use substances and love the outdoors. Teens have as much unique individuality as adults… Maybe more.

Four, teens want adults to understand their needs. In particular, teens want adults to understand their growing need for autonomy as well as their need for relationships and caring connection. They want adults to understand their need to feel supported & respected, especially by the important adults in their lives. And teens want to find ways to make an important contribution to their home, community, world.

Five teens want to learn stuff that’s useful.  They want to learn skills like goal setting, collaboration, communication, emotional intelligence, and perspective-taking. These skills build success overtime. They contribute to better relationships, effective work environments, greater work success, and healthier marriages and families. Who wouldn’t want to learn these skills!

Now you know these five facts teens want you to know. Think about ways in which you can apply this knowledge into the relationships you share with the teens in your life. You’ll find a greater joy in the relationship when you do.

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Smile, It’s Revolutionary

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Smiling is revolutionary. Smiling at someone when they walk in the room makes them feel welcome. When we display a genuine smile, people around us start to smile as well. Smiling can also turn things around for the one smiling, moving them from a negative, pessimistic outlook to a more positive outlook. (Feeling negative? Pessimistic? Put on a Smile) Now, a study from the University of Essex found another amazing result of even a brief smile.

In this study, participants were shown an “expressionless face” and asked whether the face was happy or sad. When the researchers activated the participants’ facial muscles to elicit a genuine smile, even a weak smile lasting only 500 milliseconds, it contributed to that person perceiving happiness in the “expressionless face.” Isn’t that amazing? Simply smiling made a neutral face appear happier. So, if you’re on safari for the elusive smile in your teen or spouse, start by smiling yourself (LOL-On Safari for the Elusive Smile).When you do, you’re more likely to find the smile in them.

Smiling will not only help you perceive greater happiness in your family and those around you, it will also initiate a little spiral of joy. After all, seeing happiness in another person elicits happiness in the viewer (in this case, you). Feeling that little bit of happiness may contribute to a slight smile on your face, which can make the whole family feel happier. (Smile for a Happier Family) It’s a win-win. You smile and see happiness sooner and so add happiness to your day eliciting a smile from you that your family sees and feels happiness grow as a result. It’s a wonderful spiral of joy that begins with a simple smile. Smiling really is revolutionary.

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The Long-Term Impact of Junk Food on the Teen Brain

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Family life is busy these days. Families run from activity to activity stopping to grab something quick and easy to eat on the way. Unfortunately, those “quick and easy” meals are often high in fat and sugar. A University of Southern California study found that a high-fat, sugary diet during teen years may contribute to lower levels of acetylcholine in the brain. Acetylcholine is a neurotransmitter essential for memory, learning, and attention. This study suggests that a diet high in fat and sugar lowers acetylcholine which then interfered with memory…and not just for a short time but for a lifetime! It contributed to a lower level of acetylcholine that did not reverse by merely reimplementing a healthy diet. As a result, memory did not improve with the shift to a healthy diet. The damage was done and, in this study, was only reversed with the use of medication. The authors of the study noted that “more research is needed to know how memory problems from a junk food diet during adolescence can be reversed.”

I don’t want to sound alarmist. But I do want to encourage families to think differently about their teens, their diet, and time. After all, families can avoid this whole mess by taking the time to promote a healthy diet in the home. That time invested in promoted a healthy diet for our teens is well worth the effort though. They will reap a lifetime of benefits from a healthy diet. In addition, our teens need a healthy diet to thrive physically and mentally for today and as they mature.

What can you do to make sure they eat a healthy diet? First and foremost, eat at least one family meal a day as many days a week as possible. Family meal preparation tends to result in our children eating healthier foods and a healthier balance of foods. Eating as a family not only promotes healthy eating habits, but it also promotes positive family relationships. This one suggestion may prove the most effective means of improving your adolescent’s healthy eating habits.

Second, keep healthy snacks in your home. Encourage your children and teens to eat fruits and nuts for snacks. Try hummus or veggies when hunger strikes. Greek yogurt, guacamole and tortilla chips, trail mix…. You get the idea. Keep healthy snacks on hand and ready. These healthy snacks can even provide tasty nutrition while you’re on the run.

Our adolescents (and our children) need a healthy diet to lay the foundation for the healthiest development possible. A healthy diet may demand some time and effort to put in place, but your adolescents will reap the benefits for a lifetime. They will experience healthier brain development and functioning. They will learn healthy eating habits that will support them physically and mentally for a lifetime. And you’ll enjoy watching them mature.

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Nurture Your Child’s “Why”

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An old proverb tells us that “curiosity killed the cat.” Fortunately, our children are not cats because they ca ask “why” incessantly. But in actuality, curiosity helps children learn and grow, even survive. It contributes to more positive emotions and less anxiety. It leads to higher achievement as well as stronger, healthier relationships (see Six Surprising Benefits of Curiosity for more). With that in mind, I’d like to nurture my children’s curiosity but I’m curious as to how.  Scott Shigeoka has a suggestion. He suggests teaching our children (and ourselves) to DIVE.

Detach from the assumptions, biases, and certainties you might cling to. Challenge your assumptions with alternative explanations and possibilities. For instance, if your friend shows up late, detach from the assumption that they don’t care or don’t respect your time. Consider the possibility of traffic, a minor emergency, or a previous appoint going longer than expected. Then, when you see them, ask. In other words, don’t jump to conclusions or assume the worst. Don’t become rigid in your assumptions and thoughts. Challenge yourself to think the best of others. Examine your beliefs and thoughts to assure their accuracy and truth. Be curious.

Intend to practice curiosity. Be intentional in your practice of curiosity. Be deliberate. This will involve nurturing a mindset that purposefully practices curiosity.  Think about questions you might ask another person. Visualize how you might interact in a loving, curious manner. If you have a disagreement or conflict, intentionally begin to explore areas of agreement that might exist and how you might express curiosity about the other person’s point of view.

Value other people. We tend to become more curious about those things and people we value. It’s hard to show curiosity about those things we just don’t care about. So intentionally recognize the inherent dignity in people, including yourself. Acknowledge their inherent value. Recognize that people are complex being with families, joys, struggles, personalities, beliefs, likes, and dislikes…just like you. When you recognize another’s complexity and acknowledge their dignity and value, you can more easily choose to understand rather than judge and love rather than ignore.

Embrace your life, especially the hard times. Embracing the hard times reminds us to get curious about those things that arouse our fears, like changes and transitions that happen around us and in us throughout our lives. Too many times we shut down and dig in when changes occur. This can lead to defensiveness, fighting, or shutting down, all of which hinder our relationships. Embrace the change by getting curious about what it means, what possibilities it carries, what you can learn about yourself and others.

The best way to teach your children to DIVE into curiosity is to practice it yourself. DIVE in and begin to get curious. You will discover great benefits for you and your children, like greater connection, deeper intimacy, less anxiety, and more joy. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Go ahead. Get curious and find out if these results really happen.

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“Take 10” Before Answering Your Children

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Sometimes it’s best to not give your children an immediate answer. I know they’ll complain. After all, they want an answer “now.” However, there are times to “take 10” (or 20 or 30 or even a whole day) before answering. Not all answers come easily or quickly. In fact, let me offer 4 times it’s definitely best to wait before answering.

  • Don’t give an immediate answer when you’re distracted or busy. You might give an answer to a question you haven’t even fully heard. You might give an answer you didn’t intend. Only answer when you can give your full attention and thought to your child and their question or request.
  • Don’t give an immediate answer when you are upset or feeling guilty. When you feel upset or guilty you might “give too much.” You might answer out of our guilt rather than wisdom and values. You might answer out of anger about something unrelated to your children rather than answering out of love for your children and concern for their well-being.
  • Don’t give an immediate answer when your children are whining or yelling. If you give an answer during that time you will likely answer out of agitation or, if you’re in public, fear of embarrassment. If you answer by giving in to their request to avoid embarrassment, you have just reinforced their behavior. You have taught them an effective way to get what they want. You’ve taught them how to manipulate your answer.  Better to wait.
  • Don’t give an immediate answer when you’re feeling tired or insecure about your parenting. Once again, this may lead us to give an answer that doesn’t align with your family values.

If it’s best to not offer an immediate answer at these times, what can we do? How can we prepare for these moments?

  1. Before a situation even arises, establish your family’s core values and boundaries. Talk about those values often. Once your core values are established, you can base your decisions and answers on those values and boundaries. Remember, these are your whole family’s values and boundaries.
  2. Establish a healthy support group. It takes a village to be a good parent. Gather a group of like-minded parents around you. Support one another. When you’re not sure about how to answer a question or request, use a “lifeline” by calling a friend in your support group. Talk it through with them.
  3. Tell your child you can’t answer right now but you can tell them an answer at a specific time in the near future.  Remember, you want to give an answer that aligns with the values and boundaries you have established. You may need time to think about that answer. You may want to talk with a friend and “throw around some ideas” about the best response. An important caveat though–get back to your child by the time you stated. They need to know they can trust you to follow through on your word.
  4. Talk with your child rather than give an immediate answer. Ask questions. Talk about their request and what it really means to them. Talk about your concerns as well as areas in which you see their growth. Tell them how you are proud of them. Offer an age-appropriate explanation for your response so they can understand how it fits in with your family’s values and boundaries. Talking with your child about their request and your answer helps them learn to think through the request on their own, an important skill as they mature.

Put these actions in place and remember, you can always “take 10” before answering your child. In fact, it may be best to take a day to “sleep on it” before answering to make sure you answer wisely and in accordance with your values.

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No One Told Me

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When my wife and I had children, no one told me how difficult it would be to let them go, especially as they left home. No one told me the emotional challenge inherent in allowing them to leave home and begin their independent, adult journey through life. The first person I heard talk about the struggle of letting go was Kevin Lehman. In fact, he may have been the only one I have ever heard talk about this. (You can view it here.) I have a friend with similar age children. He who compared the children leaving home to a death. I compared it to breaking off a long-term relationship, an engagement. I found that out by experience, but no one told me it would be so challenging, so difficult. It’s filled with mixed emotions—pride, sorrow, joy, longing…. And, as Kevin Lehman explains, it is a challenge for our children as well. No one told me that either.

Don’t get me wrong. It may prove challenging to let our children go, but it is also necessary and rewarding. Which brings me to a second thing that no one told me. I learned this lesson recently. My wife and I have had several friends and even some family members pass away over the last couple of years. Recently, a friend of mine passed away. When my daughters heard, they contacted us to offer support and comfort. They made themselves available to us. They offered support and a listening ear. They chose to be present in our lives during a time of need. No one told me that would happen. No one told me that one day after the children have “left home” they would return to offer support and comfort, to be a present help in our lives. Maybe I should have known…but no one told me.

Those two things go together, don’t they? Our children have to leave home to become independent adults. The transition of a child into adult life happens more smoothly for those whose parents have nurtured a positive, loving relationship with them. The security of that parent-child relationship emboldens a child to move into the world with a greater sense of confidence and agency. The positive, loving relationship nurtured throughout their childhood and teen years also “sticks with them.” It establishes a connection between parent and child that continues to grow and develop. It opens a child’s heart to their parents just as the parents’ heart has been open to their child from the time they were born (and probably even before).

I don’t know if anyone ever told you these two things facets of parenting or not. If not, read through this short blog again. Letting go is challenging…an exciting challenge filled with a whole cocktail of mixed emotions. It’s a moment of sorrow and longing as well as pride and joy. But it doesn’t mark the end of your relationship. It marks a new beginning. That new beginning will fill you with an even greater joy as you discover your children remaining present in your life by their choice and returning the love you have shared with them all their lives.

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The Parent’s Key

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I like what Alison Gopnik said in The Gardner and The Carpenter:

“The key to love in practice is doing things together, participating in the world in a way that acknowledges the strengths and weaknesses of both of you.”

Her book, and this quote, are about becoming a parent as a form of love. One of the best ways, if not the best way, to nurture love with your children is to do things together, not just child-centered things but all things–shopping trips, yard work, baking, playing, riding bikes, whatever daily tasks you do you can do with your children. Involving your children in your daily tasks provides the key that opens up doors of opportunity.

Behind the first door of opportunity, door number one, lies the opportunity for time together. Time together translates into greater intimacy. More time together means more opportunity to interact, converse, and learn about one another. Your child experiences the opportunity to witness your character and your values in a variety of settings, a variety of places, and with a variety of people. You get to witness your child interact with a variety of settings, places, and people as well. You learn about one another’s priorities as well as one another’s limitations and weaknesses. You also learn ways of managing those limitations. All of this leads to a deeper knowledge between parent and child. It leads to deeper trust and deeper intimacy.

Behind door number two we find learning life skills. Children watch us, imitate us, and learn. They learn life skills like cooking, cleaning, money management, how to use a fork and knife, how to approach store clerks and strangers, and…. Actually, they’re learning about anything you expose them to while you’re together. In fact, our children learn almost everything by observing, imitating, and participating with us. Who needs flash cards to learn new vocabulary words when family dinners encourage a growing vocabulary and teach conversational skills? Why limit our children to the math on flashcards when learning to grocery shop on a budget or measure ingredients for a cake can teach so much math? Allowing your child to do things with you allows them the opportunity to observe, imitate, and participate, which are three ingredients that contribute to amazing learning for you and your child. 

Behind door number three you will discover social skills. Once again, children learn by observing you engage in social interactions and imitating those actions. Not only will they learn by interacting with you, but they will have the opportunity to interact with adults, and children, people they know and people they do not know, people on the job and people passing by as well. All this contributes to amazing opportunities for social skills practice.

In the midst of all this, door number four becomes apparent. Behind door number four your children will enjoy the opportunity to learn and practice emotional management skills. They will observe, imitate, and participate in tolerating boredom, expressing frustration and anger, managing disappointment and sorrow, and sharing joy and happiness.

Fortunately, unlike the game show Let’s Make a Deal, you don’t have to pick a door when you “love your children in practice by doing things together.” All four doors will open to you and your child, allowing you to enjoy the prize behind every door and more. Know why? Because you have the master key for all four doors—the key of doing things together.

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Some Parental Confessions

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I remember having many doubts and questions while raising my children. I can remember thinking, “I have no idea what I’m doing” and, “This is too much. I’m overwhelmed.” On many occasions, I was exhausted, uncertain, overwhelmed. Have you ever felt that way? Have you made similar statements to yourself as a parent? Parenting can “take it out of us.”

So how do we get through those periods of doubt and confusion? We seek help. I don’t mean seeking a therapist (although that may prove helpful at times). I mean seeking out friends or family members. A healthy parent needs a support system, a village to provide support and answers to the many questions we encounter.

Supportive friends and family help us recognize the normalcy in the struggle of parenthood. I remember wondering (no, I remember worrying) about the normalcy of various behaviors my children engaged in while growing up. Every time, a friend whose children were much older than my children, would talk about times his children did the same things. It was a relief to learn my children’s behaviors were normal and I “wasn’t ruining them.” Supportive friends and family also taught me what types of activities and interactions with their children they found helpful. In addition, we could share our frustrations together, differentiate typical behavior from atypical behavior, behavior to worry about from typical behavior, and support one another in the journey of parenthood.

Supportive friends and family offer us time for self-care. We can turn to friends and family for periods of child-care that free us up to “take care of ourselves.” That may simply mean grocery shopping without an infant in arms or going on a date with our spouse. Knowing other couples with children may provide opportunities to share time watching children so each couple can go out as a couple. Or you might take turns with rides to school, practices, or activities, freeing one another up to take care of other things.

Supportive friends and family foster resilience and a sense of confidence. Having support strengthens us and empowers us to continue growing, even when we feel tired. They also can help assure we maintain a healthy balance in our parenting, pointing out ways we can improve in our parenting and ways in which we are doing well.

You can foster supportive friends and families in several ways.

  • Be the support you’re seeking. Offer to help a friend with their children, to take their children on an outing with your children. It can turn into an opportunity to do the same for one another. Encourage other parents you know.
  • Get involved in groups that include other families. That may include community groups, sports groups, music groups, dance groups, or MOPS to name a few. Church also provides an excellent source for family and parent support.
  • Meet your neighbors. I know it can prove difficult in today’s environment, but get to know your neighbors. Many neighbors become wonderful supports in helping raise children.

All parents need a village of support to empower and energize them in the task of parenthood. Who makes up your supportive village?

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