Tag Archive for appreciation

A Sacred Challenge for Your Family

Posted on by Leave a comment

Fred Rogers said, “I believe that appreciation is a holy thing—that when we look for what’s best in a person we happen to be with at the moment, we’re doing what God does all the time. So in loving and appreciating our neighbor, we’re participating in something sacred.”

I agree. I also believe that the best place to start this holy activity is within our families. When we practice the holy activity of appreciation within the family, we nurture a healthier family. We will also raise a generation of people who appreciate others and engage in the holy art of appreciation. A generation armed with the sacred tool of appreciation will nurture peace in our communities, scattering hatred of self and others. After all, a child who knows they are appreciated learns to appreciate themselves and others, to love themselves and others, to have confidence in themselves and others. In this way, the “holy thing” of appreciation within the family can start a movement that might change the world. You may think my vision grandiose. But, even if I’m wrong and it doesn’t change the world, it will most definitely change your family.

With this in mind, let me present a challenge for you and your family.

  • Write down the name of each family member on a piece of paper.
  • Every day for the next month, look for and identify one thing you can appreciate about each family member. This may include something you admire about their character or some action you can thank them for.
  • Express that appreciation to them verbally as it occurs.
  • Then, at the end of each day, write that appreciation next to their name.
  • At the end of the month, sit down as a family and review your appreciation list over a favorite family meal or dessert. Enjoy the appreciation and watch your children’s faces and your spouse’s face glow with joy to know how much they are appreciated.
Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , , ,

Pet Peeve Phrases I Wish I Never Said

Posted on by Leave a comment

Some phrases we say in families are powerful. For instance, “I love you” can energize your loved one, lead to deeper connection with them, and change their day for the better. In a similar manner, “How can I help you?” is a question packed with the power of intimacy and connection. But there are some phrases I hear in families that kind of irritate me. Well, they do irritate me. They’re pet peeves of mine. Let me share three.

  • “I have to babysit the munchkin tonight.” I generally hear this phrase spoken by a father, although I have heard mothers say it as well. Either way, you are the parent, not the babysitter. The babysitter has momentary responsibility and acts under the authority of the parent. A babysitter watches another person’s child. You are the parent. Calling a parent’s role “babysitting” minimizes the responsibility, gravity, and privilege of the parental role. Parents have a responsibility that endures for a lifetime. The gravity of that responsibility is enormous. Our children’s future and our society’s well-being depend on how seriously we take the role of parent. And being a parent is an amazing privilege filled with long-term delight. Parents don’t babysit their children. They have the privilege of caring for a special life that was born out of their love for one another. What a joy. “I have the privilege of spending time with my children (munchkins) tonight.” That’s a better phrase.
  • “I have to….” You know, “I have to make dinner for my spouse.” “I have to go to my kid’s game tonight.” “I have to wash dishes for my family.” “I have to… (fill in the blank with some household or family task).” It’s true. There are tasks that we must do to keep our home and family running smoothly. But, “I have to” makes it sound like we grudgingly do it out of obligation…and that does not lead to a happy family life. Nor does it set a positive example for our children (who we want to participate in household tasks). In reality, doing my share of household tasks is an expression of love. We can make the task more of an expression of love by changing the “I have to” to “I want to.” “I want to” wash the dishes because I love my spouse. “I want to” help with the laundry because I love my spouse. “I want go to” my child’s game because I love my child. This moves the task from an obligation or a duty to a privilege and then to an expression of love. It moves the motivation from the external reward of task completion and a smooth-running home to the internal motivation of love. That is the basis for a happy family. By the way, “I want to clean the kitty litter.” (I’m practicing.)
  • “Just calm down” or some variation of minimizing a family member’s emotion. Yes, statements like this one minimize how our family members perceive something and how they feel about it. It focuses only on their outward expression and dismisses what might be happening to them internally, in their mind or heart. And it shuts down the opportunity to learn important information about our family members. We only get excited or upset or angry about those things important to us. So, when a family member is excited or angry enough that we feel the need to tell them, “Just calm down,” they are probably reacting to something important to them. A statement that will lead to greater intimacy (and that is what we long for) is, “I see how important this is to you.” Or “what’s going on? What makes this so upsetting to you?” Get curious. Find out the value or priority behind the emotions. Discover what they see as so important that it leads them to have such a strong response. Learn about them. It will help you have a deeper, more intimate relationship.

Sadly, I have made all three of these statements in my life. We all feel like we’re “babysitting” because we “have to” at times. We get overwhelmed by other people’s emotions and want them to “just calm down.” Still, these phrases are not helpful, and I wish I had never said them. They can be hurtful, dismissive, and damaging to our relationships. Each time we say them, we have to repair the relationship we damaged. So, they are pet peeves of mine…even when I say them. Join me in putting in the effort to say healthier phrases like “I want to (clean the kitty litter or whatever household/family tasks you do),” “I have the privilege of spending time with my child tonight,” and “I see how important this is to you. Tell me more.”

Posted in Family Shepherds, Honor tagged with , , , ,

Reach Out For a More Intimate Family

Posted on by Leave a comment

Have you ever thought about sending an old friend a text or giving them a call but then decided not to? You may have thought of many reasons to not reach out to them: “They’re probably busy.” “They won’t remember me, anyway.” “Maybe tomorrow.” I know I’ve done it. But a study published by the American Psychological Association changed my mind about the excuses…and maybe it will change your mind as well.

This study included a series of experiments involving over 5,900 participants. The objective was to explore how accurately people estimate another person’s appreciation of an attempt to connect. In one experiment, the participants reached out by email, text, or phone “just because.” In another experiment, participants sent a note or a note and a gift to someone they had not seen in a while. In all the experiments, participants estimated how much the person they reached out to would feel appreciated, grateful, thankful, or pleased by the contact. Then, the recipients were asked to rate how much they actually did feel appreciated, grateful, thankful, or pleased by the contact.

The results suggested that those who initiated the contact consistently underestimated the positive impact their actions would have on the one they reached out to. In other words, the person reached out to felt more appreciated, grateful, thankful, or pleased than the initiator predicted. A couple things come to mind in response to these results.

  1. A simple text or note to your spouse, child, or parent, no matter how busy they are, will likely be more appreciated than you imagine. In fact, it will probably increase their awareness of how much you care for them. Let them know how much you love them. Reach out to them.
  2. If you’re missing an “old friend” with whom you lost touch, reach out to them. They will likely appreciate it much more than you imagine.

My fears hold me back from reaching out. Sometimes I disguise my fears as concern for the other person’s busy schedule or their “not wanting to be bothered.” But to be completely honest, it’s my fear that holds me back. This research suggests I’ve been fearful about the wrong thing all these years. I’ve decided to reach out more randomly to my spouse and my children (who have moved away from home). I may even reach out to a few old friends. So, if you’re reading this and you haven’t heard from me in a while, don’t be surprised if you get a random text…unless I get one from you first.

Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with ,

Put on Your C.A.P.P. to Build Trust in Marriage (or, Kindness in the Prison of Mistrust)

Posted on by Leave a comment

I recently asked a couple what daily acts of kindness they could share with one another. Sadly, they could not think of any. After a few minutes of silent thought, one of them said, “It’s hard to think of kind things to do when you don’t trust the other person.”

That is sad, but true.  A lack of trust in our spouse locks our marriage in a prison of insecurities. It binds us behind bars of despair and shackles us with the fear that our vulnerable offers of kindness will be rejected or, worse, used to manipulate us.

Lack of trust also blinds us to any kind acts our spouse does share. It causes us to misperceive those acts of kindness as an attempt to exploit us.

If you find your marriage in a prison of mistrust, how can you begin to build trust? Try the CAPP method.

  • Commit to building trust in your relationship. Trust grows through small daily moments of connection with your spouse. Commit to looking for and initiating those moments. Trust grows when we follow through on our word so commit to following through.  Show yourself
    trustworthy in making daily connections and in keeping your word.
  • Admire and appreciate your spouse. Resentment or anger may have blinded you to those things you admire in your spouse. In this case, you will need to expand your view of your spouse beyond your resentment by intentionally looking for those things you can admire and appreciate in them. A lack of trust may also keep you from voicing what you appreciate. It will demand courage to risk voicing your admiration and appreciation. Commit to diligently searching for those things you truly admire and appreciate about your spouse. Every day, courageously express genuine admiration and appreciation to them.
  • Practice small positive moments. We already noted that trust is built on small, daily moments of connection. Practice making those connections. Practice doing kind things for your spouse—things like washing their dish, getting them a drink, offering a compliment, opening a door. Practice noticing when your spouse does a kind deed for you and practice thanking them for that kindness.
  • Prove your devotion. Let your spouse know you “got their back.” Don’t laugh at your spouse’s expense. Encourage them instead.  Take your spouse’s side. Even if you disagree, don’t disagree in public. Instead, talk in private and search for an intent or motive with which you do agree. Start with the agreement. You and your spouse are a team. Don’t let anyone or anything come between you. Prove your devotion.

These four actions will begin to build trust as you practice them over time. As trust grows, kindness will become easier to share. As kindness to shared more often, trust will grow. (For more on building trust read Building Trust in Family Relationships.)

Posted in Grace, Honor tagged with , , ,

What Makes a Successful Marriage?

Posted on by Leave a comment

Researchers from Western University in London Ontario asked a question: “What makes for a good relationship?” To answer this question, they analyzed data collected over an average of six years from 11,196 couples…. all to discover  the best predictors of a successful relationship. They considered how each partner perceived their spouse and relationship as well as the individual characteristics of both partners. What did they discover?

A person’s perception of their partner and their relationship with their partner was the best predictor of relationship satisfaction. Three specific qualities that had the greatest impact included:

  • Perceived partner commitment
  • Appreciation
  • Sexual satisfaction

So, if you want to have a great marriage, build your relationship in each of the three areas noted above by doing the following.

  • Pay attention to ways your spouse shows their commitment to you and your marriage. Your spouse may show their commitment by working around the house or by getting up everyday to work. They may show their commitment through their words, their actions, or touch. Become a student of your spouse. Pay attention and learn how they show commitment.  When they do something that seems unloving, assume love, pause, then respond.   
  • Ask your spouse what you can do to let them know you are committed to your marriage. This will assure that you know how to show your spouse your commitment to your relationship in ways they will see and understand. Then do it. Don’t just ask once. Things may change. So, keep asking and keep doing.
  • Make it a habit to appreciate your spouse. Appreciate their appearance. Thank your spouse for cooking dinner, doing laundry, washing the car, and every other action they take to support their family. Appreciate your spouse verbally every day.
  • Talk about sex. Remember, sex is about more than what happens between the sheets… much more. As Kevin Leman has said, “Sex begins in the kitchen.” So, ask yourself: what will put your spouse “in the mood”? What brings your spouse the greatest pleasure? What words or actions might increase your spouse’s sexual satisfaction? Listen to their answers. They may surprise you. Share your own answers as well. Enjoy the discussion… and the knowledge you gain.

Building a relationship in which your spouse can feel satisfied and secure is a gift to your marriage and your family. Your spouse will benefit, your children will benefit, and you will benefit. You and your spouse will enjoy the security and joy of greater relationship satisfaction and intimacy. Your children will enjoy the freedom to mature, knowing that your marriage is a safe haven from which they can explore and grow.

Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , , ,

This Will Make Your Children Smarter

Posted on by Leave a comment

This simple activity has been shown to help children and adults learn more and remember better. In fact, two recent studies (one in 2017 and one in 2020) have shown how this activity increases brain activity to increase learning and memory. What is this activity? Writing by hand.

Writing by hand is a slower process to learn and practice than using a keyboard. It uses more intricate movements and stimulates more sensory areas of the brain than using a keyboard—the nuanced sensation of the paper, the ever-shifting feel of the pen, the subtle movement of the hand and fingers as they form different letters and shapes, the scratch of the pen on the paper, the sensation of the pen or pencil rolling across the paper, the vision of seeing the letters and words form, etc.  These sensory experiences create more contact between different areas of the brain, helping to further integrate the brain and open it up for greater learning.

Receiving so many Christmas gifts and experiences offers a tremendous time to help our children (and ourselves) get smarter by writing thank you notes. Of course, writing thank you notes has many other benefits as well (see 7 Wonderful Benefits of Writing Thank You Notes). Because it has become a lost art, if you need help knowing what to write, check out Forgotten Family Arts: The Thank You Note.

By the way, you don’t need to limit thank you notes to Christmas either. Write them with your children after birthdays, graduations, or simple get-togethers. Enjoy writing them as a family for no apparent reason except to show appreciation and gratitude to someone for whom you are thankful. You’ll build stronger relationships, improve mood, and yes, even “get smarter.”

Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , , ,

Learn to Complain Well

Posted on by Leave a comment

Complaining can easily become a habit that traps us in a cycle of finding even more reasons to complain. That cycle is bad for our mood, our health, and even our brain… UNLESS we learn to complain well!

Complaining well has a different purpose and outcome than simply complaining. Simply complaining traps us in the self-perpetuating cycle of negativity that feeds negative expectations and attracts even more negative experiences. How can we complain well and break out of this cycle of complaining? Here are 3 tips to help you do just that.

First, determine what you can and cannot control. Rather than complain and worry about what lies outside your control, focus on what you can control. You cannot control what other people do or say. You can control your response to other people. You cannot control the weather. You can control how you dress for the weather. Notice, those areas we can control tend to evolve around ourselves, not others. Focus on those areas you can control and take action to make a change.

Second, practice gratitude and appreciation. Learn to view your desire to complain as a signal, a light on the dashboard of your “car of life,” that warns you of the need to “fill up” your tank with gratitude and appreciation. When the signal arises (when you feel like complaining) fill up the tank by thinking about those things you appreciate and those for which you can be grateful. Then start sharing your gratitude and appreciation.

Third, voice your complaint with a goal toward resolution. This 4-step plan can help you do this.

  1. Assess why the situation arouses your desire to complain. What value or expectation is being infringed upon? Is it a reasonable expectation?
  2. Determine what you would like instead. What action would better align with your values or expectations? Is it possible and within your control? Is it reasonable?
  3. Give a solution with an appropriate boundary. If it is possible, how can the solution be achieved? Can you enact the solution alone or do you require assistance? If the solution is not accepted, how will you respond? Are you willing and able to respond in this way?
  4. Calmly verbalize this to whoever else is involved. If there is no one else involved in the situation, simply determine what action you can and will take to remedy the aspects of the situation over which you have influence.

At first glance, this may seem more difficult than simply venting and complaining. In fact, complaining is easy. It just doesn’t do anything but make us feel worse. And, habits take intentional effort to change. Changing the habit of complaining is no different. However, changing the habit of complaining will add to your happiness and your health. Perhaps more important, it will enhance your family’s happiness and health. It will improve your relationship with your spouse. And you know that’s nothing to complain about!

Posted in Grace, Honor tagged with , , , ,

Top 5 Ways to Know Your Partner Feels Unappreciated

Posted on by Leave a comment

Number 5: You notice your partner leaving things they usually do undone. Yes, this is a little passive aggressive. But it sends a message loud and clear. “I’m tired of being unappreciated for all I do around here…so I’m just not doing it anymore.”

Number 4: Your spouse withdraws into a quiet shell. Sometimes a person will become quiet and sullen when they feel unappreciated. They look angry or unhappy in their quietness around you but perk up around others. If you see that, maybe you’re seeing a spouse that feels unappreciated.

Number 3: Your spouse begins to sound like a martyr. When your partner begins to act and talk like they are the martyr or say things about feeling taken advantage of, you may be living with a spouse that feels unappreciated.

Number 2: Your partner begins to complain. “Do I have to do everything around here?”  “Can’t you help out a little? I’m tired of doing everything.” “Why do you just sit around while I do all the work?” If you are hearing statements like this, your spouse likely feels unappreciated. (And, you may show your appreciation by helping “around here.”)

Number 1: Your spouse tells you directly. They may say it kindly. “I’m feeling a little underappreciated, honey?” Or they may say it in anger. “You don’t appreciate anything I do around here.” Either way, the easiest way to know your spouse feels unappreciated is when they tell you so.

More importantly, what can you do about this? The answer is simple. Begin appreciating your spouse. Look for opportunities to thank your spouse for things they do for you, your family, and your home. When you see something they have done, thank them. Don’t just smile or acknowledge what they’ve done in your head. Verbally tell them, “Thank you.”

Don’t stop there. Don’t just respond to things they do. Respond to who they are. Voice your admiration and adoration for them. Acknowledge their beauty, their hard work, their kindness, their wisdom. Whatever you admire and adore in your partner, let them know. (Here are 6 great things you can say to show appreciation to your spouse.)

Finally, get involved. Help around the house. Serve your family. Ask how you can help…then do it. Nothing makes a person feel more appreciated than a partner who is actively involved in working together.

Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , , ,

Pathways to a Critical Spouse…& Back Again

Posted on by Leave a comment

Intimacy has several building blocks. Unfortunately, we can topple these building blocks in response to personal issues. When we do, we often find ourselves on the pathway to becoming a critical spouse.  Let me give a few examples as way of explanation.  

Pathway 1: Intimacy requires that we accept our spouse and ourselves. Unfortunately, many people do not accept themselves. Instead, they think all sorts of self-critical remarks. They criticize their abilities, their appearance, their accomplishments, or any number of other things. They may believe their self-criticism motivates them toward improvement and success. But, how many of us would like a teacher or mentor who constantly criticized our efforts and abilities. Rather than motivate, criticism holds us back. We also grow accustomed to criticism when we engage in constant self-criticism. We become hardened to its hurt. We may even lose our ability to recognize it. Eventually, what’s in our mind comes out toward ourselves and others. We become critical not just of ourselves, but of our spouses as well. And, we probably don’t even recognize it when we criticize our spouse…but our spouse recognizes the criticism and it hurt them.

Pathway 2: Some people fear becoming too dependent on their spouse; so, they don’t acknowledge how much their spouse helps them. They don’t show their gratitude and appreciation. Other people don’t believe it necessary to show gratitude to another person for doing “what they’re supposed to do anyway.” So, they don’t acknowledge their appreciation for tasks done. (In case you’re wondering, here’s the reason Why We Thank Our Spouse for Doing Chores even though they’re supposed to do them anyway.) However, in both cases, the ungrateful person feels free to criticize their spouse. Why? Because criticism reinforces their independence from their spouse. Criticism also points out what the other person needs to do to improve so they too can become more independent. Unfortunately, reinforcing my independence and pointing out how my spouse needs to improve only comes across as a critical spouse, especially when I don’t acknowledge any gratitude.

Pathway 3: Many people fear the vulnerability inherent in an intimate relationship. It opens us up for potential hurt. Perhaps we’ve experienced hurt at the hands of loved ones in the past; or, we’ve lost relationships in the past either through “break-ups” or death. Either way, we fear losing the relationship now. In response to that fear, we protect ourselves by keeping some distance between us and the other person. We protect ourselves by limiting access to our deeper emotions. We avoid the vulnerability of intimacy by keeping our spouse at “arm’s length…” and criticism is a one way in which people do this. It’s a very effective way to keep a loved one at “arm’s length” and so protect one’s self from the vulnerability of deepening intimacy.

How can you step off the pathway to a critical spouse and turn back into a loving spouse?

  • Acceptance: In order to have a healthy relationship with another person, we need to know and accept ourselves. Then we must accept our spouse. We can accept our spouse in spite of differences, mistakes, and hurts because we love our spouse and we know they have the best interest of our relationship in mind. (Read Accepting Family Members Unconditionally and Six Tips for Practical Acceptance to learn more on acceptance.)
  • Appreciation: One way to grow in acceptance of one another is to develop a habit of mind that looks for and then verbally acknowledges those things you appreciate about your spouse. Make it a habit to thank them for what they do throughout the day. Voice your admiration for their character and their love. Verbalize your adoration for them as often as you can ever day. A Lack of Gratitude Can Sink Your Marital Ship but building an environment of appreciation will keep it afloat through any storm.
  • Courage: Growing more intimate puts us in a vulnerable position. We are entrusting our lives, our security, and our joys into the hands of another. Doing this takes courage. Yes, you develop this trust over time. Both partners reveal themselves as trustworthy through their words and actions. Still, it takes courage to let down your guard and allow yourself to stand naked (emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well as physically) and unafraid before your spouse. Be courageous. Show yourself trustworthy to encourage your spouse’s courage.

Practice acceptance, appreciation, and courage to find yourself on the pathway to a loving intimate relationship.  

Posted in Grace, Honor tagged with , , ,

Savor Your Spouse

Posted on by Leave a comment

I love cheesecake, especially my wife’s cheesecake. However, it is a process to make…and very rich. So, I eat it slowly. I savor each bite to make it last as long as I can. As I linger in the moment of enjoying the creamy taste of the cheesecake, I learn to appreciate and enjoy it even more.

I also love to savor a sunset…to sit quietly and watch the sun slowly sink into the horizon as it casts hues of reds, yellows, and oranges across the sky. To recognize and soak in as much beauty as I can relaxes me and fills me with peace.

I also love to savor my spouse and our times together.

  • I savor the moments when we have an engaged conversation in which we open our lives and honestly share our innermost selves with one another.
  • I savor the moments when we reaffirm our love through words, actions, touches, or a simple smile. Those moments when the glint in her eye communicates the joy she takes in our shared love.
  • I savor those times when she appreciates me in front of our children or publicly acknowledges her affection and love for me.
  • I savor the times when we experience and share something unique and special, like driving through the vastness of Iceland or watching the beauty of a sunset together or walking down a street filled with color and vendors after a nice dinner or…the list goes on.

Each of these moments helps me recognize and appreciate my wife and the life we have together. Each one helps me slow down, relax, and savor the joy of our marriage. Each moment of savoring builds a stronger love and nurtures a greater intimacy. And, each one builds anticipation for the next moment of savoring.

Yes, I love to savor my wife. In fact, I’m going to make some time this week to sit down with my wife and recall some of these wonderful moments. As we share our memories, we can savor them all over again. Won’t you take the time this week to do the same with your spouse? Believe me, you won’t regret it!

Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , , , ,
« Older Entries