Tag Archive for marriage

The Harmony of Truth and Love in Conflict

The happiest marriages hold a beautiful harmony of truth and love, even in the midst of conflict. I like how Jimmy Evans puts it (You can read this quote from Jimmy Evans and more @ Jimmy Evans Quotes (Author of Tipping Point) (goodreads.com)):

“Truth without love is like surgery without anesthesia. Love without truth is like a cheerleader without a team. But truth in love is meaningful…and it is the only way communication can be effective and cause growth in relationship.”

In other words, a healthy marriage requires a harmony of truth and love, especially in conflict and the expression of our thoughts and feelings. Healthy couples strive to create a loving environment in which they both feel safe enough to share their true thoughts and feelings. The ability to share our deeper thoughts and feelings demands truth and love on the part of both partners, the one listening and the one speaking. 

The speaker must give voice to their thoughts, concerns, and feelings in a loving manner. This requires a great deal of self-awareness. They must remain self-aware enough to know how their choice of words and their tone of voice impact the meaning of their message and the listener’s ability to hear that message. It also requires integrity, a deep truthfulness within our hearts, to recognize how “my” speech impacts the listener and then a humility that allows one to adjust my communication based on that truth.

In love, the speaker will start the conversation gently rather than harshly. They will begin with kindness and love rather than casting blame, making accusations, or throwing out negative labels. They will begin with the objective truth of what has happened, the objective situations that cause them distress, rather than speculation about the other person’s intent or motivation.

In love, the speaker will reveal themselves to their spouse, offering them the gift of knowing them more deeply. In love, they will reveal their subjective feelings about the situation while still taking true responsibility for managing their emotions and their response to their emotions. They will offer the gift of their vulnerability as they describe ways in which their spouse’s actions or words have contributed to their distress. 

In love, the speaker will also believe the best about their spouse. They will believe their spouse did not intend harm. They will believe their spouse will desire reconciliation and will apologize for any hurt caused. In other words, the speaker will speak in love, believing the best about their spouse in love, and assuming the best response from their spouse in love until there is some objective reason (truth) to believe otherwise.  After all, “love believes all things.”

The listener must also act in truth and love. In love, the listener will accept the gift of revelation from their spouse. They will postpone their defensiveness and their explanation to listen fully, to listen to understand. As they listen, they will consider the truth of their spouse’s message. They will hold the truth of their spouse’s message in their heart and allow that truth to influence them. In love, they will apologize as needed and in truth they will bear the fruit of their apology. They will lovingly change their behavior according to the truth.

In love, the listener will focus on their spouse’s emotions, their feelings, so they can offer comfort and deepen their understanding of their spouse. Selflessly, in love, they will postpone their own response until their spouse feels heard and understood. Even then they will speak with love, accepting what their spouse has said and allowing it to influence them.

As you can see, throughout this process the speaker and the listener must harmonize truth and love in their words, their actions, and their responses. Truth by itself would simply cause more pain. Love, without truth, is no more than a shallow blowing in the breeze…in fact, it’s not really love at all. But the harmony of truth and love produces a beautiful intimacy. The truth brings concerns to the surface so they can be addressed and resolved. The truth compels each one to assess their own actions and behaviors. Love drives each one to tell the truth so the relationship can be strengthened through the resolution of even minor concerns. Love compels each one to state the truth gently, objectively, caringly so the other can hear it more easily.

When we learn to speak the truth in love, the harmony we experience is profound and the intimacy we share is beautiful.

The Cycle of Communication & Trust

Relationships are built on trust and trust is built upon self-revealing communications. On the other hand, meaningful communication requires trust and trust is nurtured by meaningful communication. Trust, however, doesn’t just happen. It needs to be refined. It requires testing. In fact, a wise person tests the water of trust before diving in with deeper, more vulnerable communication. Even in marriages and families, trust is continually tested. In fact, communication and trust form a cycle of increasing or decreasing trust. Let me give an example.

My wife walks in the room and sighs, “What a day.”  With that simple statement, she has “put a toe in the water” of trust. Is it warm or cold? Can she trust me to listen or not?

If I continue staring at my computer screen and say, “Well, what’s for supper?” I have shown the water cold. She cannot trust me to listen or to make myself available to her. If this scenario occurs more often than not, trust diminishes. Communication becomes less frequent and more shallow. As communication decreases, so does trust. And the cycle continues.

However, if I respond by looking up from my computer screen and say, “Sounds like a long day. What happened?” I have shown the water of trust to be warm. I have opened the door to communication. My wife feels more trust and delves in a little more. She begins to tell me about her day.  As I respond with interest and concern, matching her mood with empathy and understanding, her level of trust continues to grow. Feeling safer, she reveals more of herself and her heart. I learn more about her as she trusts me to reveal not just the events of the day but her emotions and concerns as well. If this scenario occurs more often than not, trust grows. Communication increases and deepens. As communication deepens, so does trust.

Responding with interest and empathy creates a beautiful cycle in which trust invites deeper communication. Deeper communication leads to greater trust, which invites the communication of deeper disclosures that lead to greater intimacy.  This beautiful cycle of trust and communication ultimately leads to greater joy, deeper intimacy, and greater security for both partners.

Communication in the Microwave?

We live in a fast-paced world. We use “fast acting pain relief,” complain about a slow internet, and microwave our food. On the other hand, healthy marriages do not happen quickly. You can’t throw your marriage into a microwave for 30 seconds and have a healthy, fully developed marriage pop out. No. Healthy marriages require time. They are built on intimate communication, and intimate communication is a “slow cooker activity.” Intimate communication demands more than the “140 characters allowed.” It requires “unlimited characters.” You just can’t microwave (or text) good communication. Good communication needs time to simmer. It needs time for all the ingredients to mix and grow into a more nuanced understanding.

In other words, if you want a healthy, life-long marriage you need to intentionally and proactively communicate on a regular basis. Set aside at least 30-60 minutes every day to converse with your spouse, to talk openly and honestly. You may think that sounds like a long time to fit into your already busy schedule. If so, you may need to consider what priority your marriage holds in your life. Is your marriage more important than the 30-minute sitcom you watch? Or the 30 minutes you spend on social media? Consider how you might adjust your schedule and activities to truly reflect the value your marriage holds in your life.

You may also wonder what you will talk about for a full 30-60 minutes a day. Start by pouring yourself and your spouse a cup of tea or coffee. Then, pull up a chair and consider some of the following topics.

  • Recall how you met as a couple? What attracted you to one another? Reminisce about your first date, your first kiss, and your overall time dating one another.
  • What’s going on at work? What are the best and the worst things happening at work?
  • Your best childhood memories. Your worst childhood memories.
  • Your dream vacation as a couple and as a family?
  • What would you like to do as a couple the first day all your children are in school or when they all begin college?
  • Reminisce about the best trip/vacation you’ve had as a family or as a couple.
  • Talk about the news and your personal thoughts and feelings related to a particular news item. Consider ways you might respond as a couple to the struggles brought to light in the news.
  • Share things you have been reading or learning about on your own.
  • Talk about your spouse’s hobby and what about that hobby excites them.

Really the possibilities are limitless. Allow your curiosity to lead you into the journey of knowing your spouse. Take your time, let the conversation “cook slowly,” and feast on the love that grows.

To Keep Your Marriage Stronger, Longer

Do you want to have a life-long, happy marriage? I do….and I have good news. According to research, this one daily behavior will contribute to a long, happy marriage. The findings came from analyzing data from 732 couples between the ages of 64- and 74-years-old. What is the behavior that contributes to a joyous marriage well into late adulthood? Well, the research involved having couples increase the frequency of intimacy in their marriage. Those that increased the frequency of their intimacy reported increased marital quality.  Not that surprising, right?  Couples that enjoy intimacy report greater positivity about their marriage. Physical contact protects the quality of a marriage.

Another study noted that a particular type of intimacy promotes well-being in marriages: kissing. Just like the old song: “K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” Kissing decreases a person’s level of cortisol (a stress hormone) while increasing oxytocin (a hormone that encourages bonding). Kissing also relaxes people and builds a deeper connection between those kissing. Decreased stress. Increased bonding. Greater connection. Each can add to a person’s sense of well-being. And, of course, previous blogs talk about the importance of hugging.

Spending quality time intimately conversing with your spouse will also increase the well-being of your marriage. Sit down and have a conversation with your spouse. Discuss your hopes and dreams as well as all the things you admire and adore about your spouse. “Look into their eyes” and tell them the depth of your love.

Let me ask again. Do you want a life-long, happy marriage? Then enjoy intimacy with your spouse. Kiss. Hug. Hold hands. Enjoy meaningful conversation with one another. Go with the flow and “see where it goes.” Not just once, but practice, practice, practice. Not only will you promote better marital quality, but you’ll have fun as well.

Don’t Forget the Secret Sauce

Many ingredients nurture a strong and healthy marriage: communication, time together, sharing emotions…the list goes on. But, the secret sauce of relationships, the ingredient that flows over it and adds extra flavor to the whole, is gratitude. Feeling appreciated by your spouse and appreciating your spouse forms a crucial ingredient to a healthy marriage. This truth became evident in a study that looked at the effectiveness of online relationship interventions. The primary finding revealed that online relationship interventions proved effective in building healthier marriages. Interestingly, the study also revealed that the couples reported improvement in partner gratitude after the interventions, even though the interventions did not specifically address the issue of gratitude. It reinforced what many already know: in healthy marriages both spouses express gratitude to one another and both spouses feel appreciated by one another.

With that in mind, if you want to nurture a strong and healthy marriage, practice gratitude. Make an intentional effort to watch for opportunities to express gratitude to your spouse and for your spouse. You can express your gratitude for things they do, things they say, or for aspects of their character you enjoy (“Thank you for being so fun loving and laughing with me”). In fact, make it a point to express gratitude to your spouse and for your spouse every day.

Express your gratitude sincerely, voluntarily, not under compulsion. Gratitude expressed because “I have to” becomes insincere and ineffective. It becomes meaningless. So don’t slip into taking your spouse for granted. They do not “have to” do anything for you. Everything they do is an expression of love, a commitment to your life together. Recognize that and let your gratitude flow from a heart of thanksgiving.

Finally, be aware of your spouse’s expressions of gratitude for you and the things you do. That gratitude may come to you verbally or through actions, so keep your eyes and ears open. Don’t get caught up in a feeling of entitlement and miss your spouse’s expression of gratitude. Be open to hearing their gratitude. Accept their expressions of gratitude.

Expressing gratitude and receiving gratitude is like the secret sauce flowing over your marriage with added flavor and joy. Like all sauces, gratitude is best if you pour it on because the more the better.

One of My Favorite Marriage Boosters

Have you ever felt like your marriage was in a rut? Same thing day after day? If so, let me share one of my favorite ways of giving my marriage a boost, of reigniting that spark of excitement and love. Oh…and it’s not just my idea. In a survey of 1,000 people, 84% of the respondents agreed that this activity strengthened their relationship. If you want to give your marriage a boost, take a road trip together. That’s right, take a trip together, near or far. Enjoy traveling with one another. You can turn up your favorite music and celebrate, or you can quietly take in the sights. In fact, on a road trip you’ll have time for both. And the whole time you can talk, catch up, and dream about the future or reminisce about the past. Sure, you might experience a few moments of frustration and disagreement, but you’ll have plenty of time to “work it out” and enjoy making up. As this year comes to an end, give your marriage a boost by taking a road trip or two.

The Word With the Power to Save Your Marriage

What if I told you that I know a word that possesses the power to save your marriage? Of course, all words have power, but this word is especially powerful. You might even say it has been endowed with the superpower to strengthen relationships.  In fact, this one word is particularly powerful for overcoming repetitive arguments. It breaks through negative communication patterns that threaten our marriages, like the demand-and-withdraw pattern.  This word, spoken often and sincerely, communicates commitment to your marriage, nurtures a sense of value in your spouse, and protects your marriage from divorce. All in all, couples who speak this one word on a consistent basis rate their marriage as having a higher quality of intimacy and security. Yes, this is one powerful word.

You may be wondering; “what word could hold such power in a single syllable?” Well, here it is: “Thanks.” And it’s just as powerful with two syllables, “Thank you:” or three, “Thanks a lot:” or even four, “Thank you very much.” However, you choose to say it, say it often. It is powerful…and might just save your marriage and your family.

Four Shares of a Happy Marriage

To nurture a happy, healthy marriage we have to share. Although it sounds obvious and simple on the surface, it reveals a deeper challenge. Couples naturally share a bed, belongings, and a home, but I’m not talking about those things. I’m talking about sharing deeper aspects of our lives together. Let me share just four of the deeper aspects of life that healthy couples share.

Healthy couples share an identity. First and foremost, healthy couples share the identity of being committed to one another. Marriage becomes a large part of their identity. Married men and women are no longer seen as single, but as one part of a couple. They are husband or wife. (I may be introduced not as “John,” but as “John, Alicia’s husband” or simply as “Alicia’s husband.) The community sees them as a couple and treats them as a couple, invites them as a couple and introduces them as a couple. Healthy couples reinforce that identity through shared rituals and routines. Rituals such as going to bed together, celebrating holidays and milestones together, and creating shared hobbies and memories all strengthen a common identity that promotes deeper intimacy.

Healthy couples share the load. They operate as a team. They are available to one another. As a result, no one person bears the full burden, the whole load, of maintaining a household and a healthy marriage. They both participate in the tasks of managing a home and nurturing a strong relationship. They also share in the task of raising their children. Both participate, both remain present and available, both engage in raising healthy children. Healthy couples also remain available to one another to hear the emotional load of losses and celebrations, the practical load of managing times of busy-ness, and the mental load of managing daily stresses.

Healthy couples share intimacy and mutual support. Each person sets aside self-centered routines and individualistic lifestyles by keeping their spouse and marriage in mind. They shift from living for “myself” to living for “us”. They no longer think only in terms of “me” but in terms of “we.” As a result, healthy couples cherish shared moments and create shared memories. They grow confident in their spouse and their relationship. Intimacy grows. They know they are not alone but with a trusted companion for life.

Healthy couples share fun times and play. They celebrate their lives together. They engage in fun activities and trips together. Many times, they celebrate “inside jokes” and memories known only to them. They experience new things together, laugh together, and play together. They take vacations and experience adventures together. They enjoy fun times and play.

All in all, healthy couples share love with one another, and in their love, they learn to share their lives with one another. They entwine their lives together knowing that the “tiny threads” of daily life bind us together in joy and health.

Hold Their Hand

Maybe the Beatles had something important for couples in conflict. They may not have known it, but nonetheless, it was an important message for couples in conflict. That message?  “I want to hold your hand.” That’s right. Usually, we talk about improving verbal communication when it comes to conflict with our spouses. But the Beatles had a really good suggestion, improve nonverbal communication…hold hands. At least that’s the conclusion of a study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy in April of 2020. Specifically, this study looked at the impact of holding hands on a married couple in conflict during and after their conflict.

During the conflict, this study showed that holding hands had a calming effect on men. It was also associated with an increase in positive affect (positive emotions and interactions) and a decrease in negative communication for both men and women.

After the conflict, holding hands led to a lower heart rate and an increase in positive emotions and interactions.

So, next time you find yourself bordering on a heated conversation or a conflict with your spouse, take a breath, reach out a hand, and sing an invitation: “I want to hold your hand.” Then, while holding hands, discuss the conflict at hand.

Marital Conflict, Fathers, & Children

If you’ve been married longer than your honeymoon, you know that marital conflicts will arise. Even people who love one another and want to spend the rest of their lives together have disagreements. Those conflicts and disagreements also impact their children. On the one hand, angry, stressed-out parents might take their anger out on their children in small and subtle ways or in loud and obvious ways. They may withdraw emotionally or physically from their family and children. On the other hand, they might manage their conflict in a way that teaches their children how to love a person even while you disagree with them…and to love enough to work toward some type of resolution. It can go either way, depending on how the couple responds to conflict in their marriage. With this in mind, you can image the impact marital conflict can have on our children’s long-term emotional health and well-being…for better or for worse.

To understand the impact of marital conflict on our children, one study analyzed data from 3,955 heterosexual intact families (both mother and father were present in the family). They discovered an important role fathers play in how a married couple’s conflict impacts their children. Specifically, when fathers reported more frequent conflict with their marriage partner, they also reported increased parenting stress and decreased warmth toward their children. In the same surveys, this was linked to the mother’s report of children struggling to develop social skills and emotional regulation skills.

On the other hand, when fathers used more “constructive conflict resolution” skills, parental stress was minimized, parental involvement increased, and warmth toward children increased. All this leads to healthier social and emotional development in children. So, the big question I have from this research is: what are constructive conflict resolution skills? Let’s name a few.

  • Open communication. Children benefit when both parents, fathers in particular, learn to communicate openly. This requires exhibiting enough vulnerability to express emotions and feelings, to risk being misunderstood while patiently listening to understand the other person. Couples can help fathers communicate openly by starting conversations “gently” and soothing one another as the conversation progresses.
  • Compromising. Being a family involves compromise. Not everyone can have everything they want all the time. That sounds obvious, doesn’t it? But it’s true. We don’t live with Burger King. Every person in the family is going to have their own opinions, perspectives, and ideas. Meshing them all together into a happy, healthy home will demand compromise. Look for a resolution with which you can both be satisfied.
  • Listening. I briefly mentioned listening under open communication, but listening is so important that it deserves its own bullet point. Many times, if both parties in conflict will listen deeply and intentionally to the other person, rather than defending or blaming, they will discover their conflict is not really that big. They will easily find a compromise. In fact, they may even find they agree on a deeper level than the conflict suggests. So, listen, don’t judge. Listen to understand rather than listening to form a rebuttal. Listen to find the good in what the other person is saying, areas in which you can agree, rather than listening to prove them wrong.
  • Remember who you are talking to. You are talking to the one you love, your spouse, the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Don’t let your frustration or anger lead to statements that hurt, belittle, or demean the one you love. Remember how much they have done to make your life and your home a better place.
  • Remember how you want others to remember you. Do you want to be remembered as someone who always “had to be right” or someone “who listened so well I always knew they understood me”? Do you want to be remembered as someone who “blew their stack” when they didn’t get their way or someone who “always found a solution everyone could be happy with”? Someone who was always kind, even when angry, or someone who was unpredictable and loud when angry? Act accordingly…especially in the midst of conflict.

As you practice these skills and attitudes, you will find conflict resolves more easily. You will feel less stress. Your marriage will grow more intimate. And your children will develop in a healthier manner.

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