Archive for Celebration

The Work of Children…and Adults

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Fred Rogers is credited with saying, “Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.” I agree. Alison Gopnik also agrees. She reviews research in her book The Gardner and the Carpenter which suggests:

  • Play helps children learn to interact with others. It allows them to practice negotiating and compromising as well as other social skills.
  • Exploratory play provides the opportunities for children to learn how things work. It helps them learn about their environment as well.
  • Pretend play encourages children to think about possibilities and options. It helps them consider potential responses to various situations. It provides an opportunity to learn how another person might think or feel in various situations. This can increase our children’s empathy and compassion.
  • As children play randomly with various toys and friends, unexpected situations arise. In response, our children learn how to better deal with the unexpected.

Review that short list of the benefits of play. We, as adults, will also benefit from learning and practicing those skills. And that’s not all. There are more things play provides that will benefit children and adults. For instance, play helps reduce depression and increase social connectedness. Play enhances a sense of personal agency. It promotes our ability to problem-solve. It improves our overall sense of well-being. What adult doesn’t want these attributes in their own life? And what parent does not want these attributes to grow within the lives of their children’s lives?

Mr. Rogers had it right. “Play really is serious learning,” but not just for children. It is “serious learning” for adults too. It’s “serious learning” for the whole family. With that in mind, I want to make a recommendation for you and your family. Take play seriously. Grab your children and play every day. Play a game. Play an imaginative, make-believe game or a board game. Engage in sports play. Play music. Playfully explore a new place. Meet another family and enjoy a playful time together. Choose whatever avenue of play you like best…just play…every day…play! Have fun… and reap the benefits of “the serious learning” of play for your whole family.

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To Grow, Teach Your Younger Self

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College age (the late teens and early twenties) has become a time of rapid transition and change. Many young adults may have more addresses during this time of life than they did from birth through high school. Along with different addresses are different roommates and different neighborhood experiences. They also experience a changing, developing sense of identity as they move from childhood to adulthood, from a stage of dependency and living within the rules of family to independence and developing their own life rules. They may even experiment with behaviors we don’t especially like. Importantly though, they also exhibit a growing sense of wisdom and insight. A study from the University of Surrey capitalized on that growing wisdom and insight. They had participants between the ages of 20- and 24-years-old look at photographs of their teen selves while reflecting aloud, offering advice and reflecting on life. Many told themselves to set clear boundaries, let go of bad relationships, or embrace change.  In general, their reflections clarified three lessons they learned.

  1. Create a safe space. Creating a safe space includes choosing supportive friends and walking away from negative relationships that might harm their well-being in some way. It also included setting and maintaining clear boundaries to support their growth, self-respect, and emotional health.
  2. Take a broader perspective. These young adults encouraged their teen selves to understand that everyone faces challenges. They reminded themselves that they were not alone in their struggles but that their struggles represented the common struggle of humanity. They reflected on the importance of valuing themselves for their character, not their appearance. This broader perspective also led them to resist social labels that try to “pigeonhole” them and instead live a life of character based on personal values.
  3. Trust yourself. In this category, participants emphasized the importance of taking care of themselves, focusing on personal growth, and avoiding comparing themselves to others. They noted that failure represented an opportunity for growth as much as success did, that persevering through challenges actually promoted growth and development in a positive way.

Those lessons sound like excellent advice for everyone to learn, especially those in their late teens and early twenties. Maybe you have a child in that age range. If you do, you might enjoy a fun family night of giving advice to your younger selves. Give everyone a picture of their teen self and allow each one to spend several minutes reflecting on themselves before offering any advice to their younger self that they would like to give. Parents could do this as well as young adults. You and your young adult might just learn some important lessons about life, family, and self. You might find yourself having some great discussion as a family about life, meaning, and important lessons we all need to learn.

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The Success of the “Good Enough Parent”

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Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician, coined the term “good enough mother” in the 1950’s. Today, however, many parents fear that “good enough” just isn’t good enough. They strive to become the “perfect parent.” But becoming a “perfect parent” just isn’t possible. In fact, striving to become the “perfect parent” will backfire and create even more difficulties. In fact, a study that involved over 700 parents found that the pressure to become a “perfect parent” contributed to parental burnout. In this study, 57% of parents reported symptoms of burnout in relation to their role as a parent. High self-expectations about what children “should be doing” and what opportunities they “should have” contributed to the pressure to become a “perfect parent.” Comparisons to other children and families also contributed to unrealistic expectations. Many parents see other families on social media smiling and having fun or in public as they put their best foot forward and think, “How are they doing all that? Why can’t I do it? What’s wrong with me?” We forget that we only see the positive side of their family life. In reality, they may be emotionally and physically exhausted and thinking the same thing about you.

Parental burnout had several negative repercussions in this study. First, parental burnout led to parents feeling more depressed and anxious. They became more irritable toward others in their lives. This interfered with their ability to have positive interactions with their children. Second, parents experiencing burnout tended to have children with more mental health issues like anxiety and depression as well. Children need healthy parents. The healthiest children also have parents who take time for self-care in order to manage their own emotional, mental, and physical health.

A third finding in this study, and the one I find most interesting, involved findings around what contributed to the healthiest children in the study. Specifically, “the more free play time that parents spend with their children and the lighter the load of structured extracurricular activities, the fewer mental health issues in their children.” Isn’t that interesting? When parents take time to engage their children in free play, it benefits their children. To have time for free play as a family will mean less time involved in structured extracurricular activities. In other words, the healthiest children and families did not succumb to the social pressure to achieve, the cultural expectation of over-scheduled lives, or the demand for involvement in multiple structured activities to prepare for future opportunities. They simply enjoyed one another. They probably still engaged in some structured activities, but a limited amount. They did not allow the cultural pressure for achievement and success to drive their family. Instead, they enjoyed time with one another in fun, playful activities. They didn’t feel the need to become the “perfect parent” with the “perfect child” who experiences “perfect success and achievement” in all areas to prepare for college and their future. Instead, they celebrated being a “good enough parent” with a happy child who experiences success in some areas while laughing and playing in even more areas. They enjoyed The Blessings of a B Minus…and the blessings of a healthy, happy family and child. Doesn’t that sound inviting?

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Marriage Advice from Couples Married 40+ Years

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Maintaining a healthy, happy marriage can prove challenging in a world focused on self, personal career, instant gratification, and “me.” It actually requires a shift in focus. This begs the question: what is the “secret” of a healthy, happy marriage? That’s what researchers asked 180 couples who had enjoyed a healthy, 40-plus year marriage. Here are the top four answers given…well, actually six with two ties.

  • Tied for the fourth most common answer is compromise and love. Compromise is that “give and take” of a marriage. One person can’t always receive while the other gives. Happy marriages focus on compromise, developing a solution that satisfies “us” instead of “me.” Compromise flows when both partners are more interested in their relational health and their partner’s happiness and well-being than they are about their own wants and desires. Love speaks to the need for each partner to feel valued, respected, and cared for. It involves knowing that your partner cares more deeply and will compromise to promote your happiness. A partner knows their spouse loves them because their spouse turns to them first when celebrating a success of any kind and when mourning a loss of any kind. Love seeks out the one they love first.
  • Number three brings in another tie between communication and shared values. It is not surprising that these two go together. Two people enter a marriage with their own values and learn to negotiate shared values from there. This demands communication, lots of healthy communication (and compromise as noted in #4). Couples forge their shared values through living together, talking together, and talking some more. This level of communication demands that we value the other person enough to believe they have a legitimate point of view, a point of view as worthy as our own and a point of view worthy of deep consideration. With this attitude and with lots of communication, a couple develops a shared sense of values that holds them close to one another.
  • The number two secret of a healthy marriage is practicing unselfish, even sacrificial, giving toward our spouse. This flies in the face of the hyper-individualized society in which we live. An unselfish spouse considers their partner as “more important than themselves.” They do not merely look out for their own personal interests but also for the interests of their spouse” (Philippians 2:3). In seeking to meet the needs of their partner, an unselfish spouse willingly makes sacrifices. Such sacrifices are a lost art today, but an essential ingredient in a long-term, healthy marriage according to those married for 40-plus years.
  • And the number one secret of a healthy marriage? Commitment. Commitment remains essential for a long-term, healthy marriage. Every marriage will experience good times and hard times. Affection and attraction may wax and wane, as will your sense of emotional closeness. However, the commitment to “stay the course,” to “take the long view” and “hold on,” contributes to the rekindling of affection, the deepening of trust and, as a result, intimacy, and a maturing of attraction. Commitment is the glue that keeps all these ingredients in play and growing over time.

There you have it, ingredients for a long-term, healthy, and happy marriage straight from the mouths of those who have over 40-years of healthy marriage. Which ones do you need to improve in your marriage?

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Give a Shout Out for Marriage

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Marriage gets a bad rap at times. For instance, reality TV and sitcoms offer a very strange and twisted idea of romantic relationships. Many give marriage gets a bad rap. But marriage is great, even fantastic. I realize that some people fear marriage because they have witnessed marriages that have ended in divorce. However, the divorce rate has gone down. And, when both people in a marriage invest some energy, time, and attention to their marriage, marriage is great. In fact, nothing predicts happiness in America like a good marriage. Neither education, work, money, or sex predict happiness as well as a good marriage. Studies suggest that a good marriage are a “whopping” 545% more likely to be very happy than those who are unmarried or in a poor marriage. That’s a lot of happiness.

In addition, those who are happily married have about 10 times more assets at the age of 50 than their unmarried peers. And it’s more than money. Married people report a greater sense of meaning in life and significantly less loneliness. Might I humbly add, regular date nights with a spouse are also associated with even greater happiness, greater frequency of sex, and greater sexual satisfaction. In fact, happily married couples report the greatest sexual satisfaction.

All in all, a happy marriage improves our lives. That being said, marry wisely and invest in your marriage because an unhappy marriage robs us of everything a happy marriage provides. What do you need to invest in your marriage to keep it thriving and happy so you and your spouse can reap the benefits?

  • Invest time. Spend time with our spouse every day. Talk about your day. Talk about your dreams. Sit together and read. Walk quietly holding hands. Do household chores together. Spend time with your spouse.
  • Invest your attention. Give your spouse your attention. You don’t have to give them attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but give them attention every day. When your spouse approaches you, respond with your attention. I don’t mean fake attention or half-hearted attention. Invest your whole attention in your spouse when you interact.
  • Invest admiration. Admire your spouse every day. Compliment their appearance, their cleaning, their cooking, their work…. Acknowledge their kindness, their inner and outer beauty, their character. Don’t let a day go by without admiring your spouse.
  • Invest your service. Be an active member of the household. Assist with chores. Participate in family activities. Do something nice for your spouse once in a while, something unexpected and kind.  As a matter of fact, do something kind for your spouse often. For instance, you might serve breakfast in bed, give a back rub, bring home a gift, send a note of love, give a random hug.

As you can see from this short list, investment isn’t a burden. It’s a joy that results in greater intimacy and a happier marriage. And a happier marriage will change your life. It will improve everything from your physical health to your finances to your emotional health to your sexual satisfaction. Go ahead and invest. See if you don’t reap these amazing benefits. Then, like me, you’ll give a shout out for marriage.

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2%, 3%, or 10%?

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If I were to ask you which of these three factors—demographics (age, gender, socioeconomic status), financial difficulty, or marital satisfaction—would have the greatest impact on a person’s mental health score, what would you say? Obviously, all three have an impact, but which would have the greatest impact? A study published on February 14, 2024, in PLOS ONE offers some insight. It noted that one of these three factors accounted for 2% of the variation in the mental health score of participants, while a second accounted for 3%, and the third accounted for a full 10%. Guess which factor accounted for 10%.

Financial difficulties? Many people attribute marital problems and mental health issues to financial issues. And, in fact, financial difficulties did impact a person’s mental health according to this study. However, only 3% of the variance in mental health scores among the 6,846 participants was attributed to financial difficulties.

Demographics? Variations in demographics only attributed 2% of the variance. That leaves only one more option….

If you answered marital satisfaction, you were correct. Marital satisfaction accounted for 10% of the variance in the participants’ mental health scores. A healthy, secure, happy marriage promotes mental health. An unhealthy, conflictual, insecure marriage damages mental health. In other words, if you want to nurture positive mental health in you and your spouse, start by nurturing your marriage. Building a healthy marriage leads to greater mental health. How can you build a marriage that will promote greater mental health?

  • Become a student of your spouse. Recognizing that everyone changes and grows means that knowing your spouse is a lifelong activity. Your spouse will grow. They will learn new things. Old interests may fade or become more defined. New interests will arise. So, take the time to know your spouse, even if you’ve been married for years. As you invest in knowing your spouse, you will gain the knowledge necessary to serve them in more meaningful ways, express your love for them in a more effective manner, and celebrate or mourn with them in the changing times.
  • Be responsive to your spouse. When your spouse communicates with you, respond. Notice I said “communicates” rather than “talks.” Your spouse may communicate through facial expressions, gestures, or touch as well as speech. Be open to hearing them all. Respond in love. Respond with your full attention more often than not. Respond with kindness, playfulness, caring, concern…. Respond with love.
  • Express your love for your spouse. Make it a habit to express gratitude and admiration to your spouse every day. If you have been a good student of your spouse, this will prove easy. Thank them for all they do for you, your children, your home. Admire their character, their beauty, their taste…. In fact, take a moment now to think of two things for which you could thank your spouse and two things you admire about your spouse. Then tell them. Right now, tell them. If you can’t talk to them at this moment, send them a text. You’ll both be glad you did. Then make this practice a daily habit.
  • Dream together. Sit down with your spouse on a regular basis to share a cup of coffee (or tea or pop) and dream. Where would you like to visit? What would you like to do? Both as individuals and as a couple. Consider what you can do to help your spouse achieve their individual dreams and begin planning to enjoy your dreams as a couple.

Investing in these four practices will nurture a marriage that will promote positive mental health in you and your spouse. It will also increase the joy and intimacy in your marriage. Sounds like a great deal, doesn’t it?

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To Find Love, Find Purpose

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“Looking for love in all the wrong places” seems an all-too-common practice today. I meet with many single people (teens, young adults, divorced adults, widow/widowers) who struggle to meet someone with whom they can develop a long-term, loving relationship. They often lack one key ingredient for a successful search: a sense of purpose. At least that is what a study by Isabella D’Ottone suggests. She created nine dating profiles and had 119 people rate those profiles on various measures of attractiveness. Four of those dating profiles revealed an orientation toward a sense of purpose—a prosocial orientation, a relationship orientation, a financial orientation, or a creative orientation. The other five did not reveal a sense of purpose.

Interestingly, those profiles that showed a sense of purpose were ranked higher on various scales of attractiveness. Did you get that? A sense of purpose is attractive.  As an added noted, raters ranked profiles even higher in attractiveness if they shared the same orientation or sense of purpose. For instance, those who had a social orientation as a sense of purpose rated those with a social orientation as even more attractive. It seems those with similar orientations are attracted to one another. There was one exception to the purposes proving attractive. I should note one caveat in the attractiveness of purpose. A financial orientation as a sense of purpose did not rate as high in attractiveness as the other areas (unless the person doing the rating also had a financial orientation).

So, if you’re looking for love, or know someone who is (like your teenage or young adult child), developing a sense of purpose will increase attractiveness. Apparently, a sense of purpose is “hot,” very attractive. And it attracts people with a similar sense of purpose and interests, contributing to a healthier, longer-lasting relationship. How can we help our family members develop a sense of purpose?

  • Provide opportunities to explore the world and self. Traveling, spending time in nature, and experiencing different cultures all provide opportunities for people to learn about themselves and their interests.
  • Engage in volunteer work. Meeting other people in meaningful service may reveal places in which our interests, strengths, and the needs of the world intersect. It opens the door to finding our purpose.
  • Ask open-ended questions. Rather than asking “Did you have fun today?” ask “What did you enjoy the most about our trip?” Instead of “You really like soccer, don’t you?” ask “What is it that you enjoy about soccer?” Open-ended questions like these allow for greater discussion. They allow our children (of all ages) to explore their feelings and beliefs about various experiences, situations, and opportunities. 
  • Accept opportunities to try something new AND fail. It’s alright to not excel at everything. It’s good to recognize the learning curve inherent in almost everything. Accept failure as an opportunity to learn and grow. Take time to talk about the experience and what it teaches about interests, skills, values, practice, and persistence.
  • Find positive role models of purpose. Of course, you are the first role model for your children. Let them witness you living a life of purpose. Introduce them to other people who live lives of purpose—coaches, teachers, ministers, community workers, builders, etc. You can also encourage them to read about historic figures who live lives of purpose or point out celebrities (athletes, musicians) who live lives of purpose beyond their celebrity fame. 

When you help your teen or young adult discover their purpose, you also help them grow in attractiveness. You increase the chance of them finding a romantic partner who has similar interest. You establish a healthier foundation for a life-long relationship filled with intimacy and joy.

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5 Practices to Keep Your Marriage Thriving

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It’s an older study now (2012) but insightful all the same. It offers five practices that can strengthen your marriage. If you want to build a strong, healthy marriage, make sure you keep these 5 practices in the forefront of your relationship.

  • Have fun together. Make sure you spend time playing together. Laugh together. Tell a joke or two. Laugh at silly cat videos together. Go on some adventures together, whether they be to a local amusement park, a concert, or a beach. Whatever way you choose (and I hope you choose several), have fun! Enjoy one another’s company.
  • Share household chores. Don’t expect your spouse to do all the work around the house. Make sure you participate in the tasks that keep the home running smoothly as well. You might even have some chores that you and your spouse do together. (Men, just so you know, some say that seeing you do household chores will be an aphrodisiac of some sort for your wife…go figure.)
  • Keep your social media accounts transparent. You can have separate accounts if you want, but make sure your spouse has full access to any account you have. Let your spouse know your passwords. Let them see your activity if and when they want to see it. This will prove beneficial to you in terms of accountability and in terms of trust within your relationship.
  • Share your feelings with your spouse. When we share our emotions with our spouses, we open ourselves up to be known by them, we reveal ourselves to them on a deeper level. We allow our spouse to learn about us—our priorities, values, goals, and passions.
  • Assure your spouse that you are committed to our relationship. By practicing the four actions above, you assure your spouse that you are committed to them and your marriage. You can also assure them of your commitment by talking about the future together. What would you like to do as a couple in the next five years? When your children “leave the nest”? Dream together and plan together. Then, have fun making those dreams come true.

These five practices will strengthen your marriage and keep it healthy for a lifetime. If I might, I would like to add one more practice. This one was not mentioned in the study cited above, but other studies have shown how this practice strengthens marriage. Pray for your spouse. Prayer has been shown to strengthen marriages in several ways. Take time each day to say a simple prayer for your spouse’s well-being. 

That’s six practices to strengthen your marriage. Start engaging in these practices today and enjoy a thriving marriage with your spouse for a lifetime.

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What Mom Wants from Her Husband

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I enjoy a good James Bond movie…or a Mission Impossible adventure. The heroes spark my imagination. They are strong, ingenious problem-solver, attractive to women. They live adventurous lives I only dream about. Surely the mother of my children (my wife) would like me, the father of her children, to have all those “great” qualities. We’d live an adventure-filled life of intrigue and passion. Who wouldn’t want that?

Well, according to a survey of 291 mothers, your wife, the mother of your children, would NOT want that! In fact, that is the type of person a mother wants least as their husband. Know what this survey suggests women want most in a husband and father to their children? A friend–somebody who shows a genuine interest in them and their children, somebody who exhibits kindness toward them and their children. Sounds kind of crazy but think about it.

This kind of husband will notice when his wife seems stressed or needs rest. And he’ll step in to help provide that needed comfort and rest. That’s what friends do. A husband who takes the role of “friend” seriously will take the time to listen, understand, and empathize with his wife rather than jumping in to “fix it.” He will also initiate conversations to learn about his wife’s day with all its joys and sorrows. Overall, he will take responsibility to nurture his relationship with his family (including his wife). That’s what friends do… all this and more.

John Gottman goes so far as to suggest friendship is the core of every healthy marriage. The friendship on which every healthy marriage stands is developed and nurtured through small, daily actions like:

  • Asking open-ended questions to learn about your wife and her life.
  • Developing the habit of responding to your wife with genuine interest and listening intently to her in conversation rather than giving half-hearted attention or faking attention.
  • Communicating appreciation, adoration, and gratitude for her every day.

…After all, that’s what friends do.

Your wife, the mother of your children, doesn’t need a sexy, strong, adventurous husband (although I’m sure you’re all those things). She needs a friend who cares enough and loves her enough to walk by her side and actively participate in family life with her. Will you invest the time and energy to develop that friendship with her? If you do, you’ll reap the amazing rewards of a joyful, healthy marriage.

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Self-Compassion & Marriage?

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Are you hard on yourself? Do you expect more from yourself than you do of others? Do you struggle to forgive yourself? If so, you could be robbing your marriage and your spouse of greater happiness. A study involving 209 heterosexual couples found that a “caring, kind, and attentive attitude toward oneself, especially with regard to your own shortcomings,” contributes to greater happiness in marriages. In other words, self-compassion leads to happier marriages, happier spouses, and greater satisfaction in sexual intimacy. Men, in particular, reported a higher level of relationship satisfaction if their wife was self-compassionate. Doesn’t that sound like something you’d like in your marriage? Ironically, it begins with practicing self-compassion, “a caring, kind, and attentive attitude toward oneself, especially with regard to your own shortcomings.”  Even better news, you can increase your self-compassion and so increase your marital satisfaction for both you and your spouse, by engaging in these practices.

  • When you experience a personal failure or perceive a personal inadequacy, ask yourself, “How would I behave toward my friend if they were in this type of situation?” “What advice would I offer a friend in a similar situation?”  Then give heed to your answer. We often find it easier to show compassion to our friends than to ourselves. Give yourself the same advice you’d give your friend…and listen to that advice.
  • Look closely at the expectations you place on yourself. Are they realistic? Do they leave room for mistakes? What might be a more realistic self-expectation?  We often place unrealistic expectations on ourselves. We become perfectionistic and overly critical of any shortcoming. Examine your expectations and accept that you are human.
  • Offer yourself encouragement. We easily slip into self-critical or self-degrading comments. We tell ourselves we’re a “lousy cook” when we overcook the chicken one time or call ourselves “lazy” or minimize our knowledge. Instead, be honest with yourself. Sure, we all have shortcomings but don’t turn a shortcoming into a character trait. Encourage yourself. Don’t make a passing failure a permanent state of being. Instead, encourage yourself. Consider times you have done better. Make a plan to learn and grow. Restate those harsh criticisms with greater self-compassion and with a more accurate truth. Learn to offer yourself encouragement and affirmations.
  • Listen to your thoughts and reframe them into more accurate thoughts. Throw out the “always” and “nevers.” Replace them with “this time” or “sometimes.”   Replace the global statements (everything, my whole…) with specific statements (this time, this incident, this moment). Admit it’s not “all about you” and you’re not to “blame for everything.”  Then have the grace to take responsibility only for those things over which you actually have control.
  • Do something nice for yourself today. It could be simple: take a bath, call a friend, read a book, take a walk…. Do something nice for yourself today.

Learn to show yourself a little compassion. Show yourself as much compassion as you would show a good friend. When you do, you will find greater joy, your spouse will experience greater happiness, and your marriage will grow more satisfying.

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