Tag Archive for appreciation

Protect Your Child With a Blessing

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Kids can be mean! You know it and I know it. I see it on the playgrounds, in the school, and even on the internet. Our kids face bullying, cyberbullying, teasing, name-calling, and physical intimidation more often than we want to admit. Over 3.2 million students are victims of bullying each year and as many as 160,000 teens skip school because of bullying. Some reports suggest that 90% of 4th through 8th graders report being victims of bullying! (Click here and here for more statistics about bullying.) In other words, kids can be mean and our kids face social rejection…often! Social Vector image of five beefeaters. England guards.rejection actually impacts the brain regions associated with physical pain…and releases the same pain-killing chemicals. In other words, social rejection, bullying, and teasing results in the perception of actual physical pain! Kids can be mean.

While parents cannot protect their children from all these potential troubles, we can give them the gift of our blessing. Giving our children a blessing is a great privilege, an opportunity to speak joy, strength, and value into their lives. By giving our children a blessing we boost their resilience. Even one well-worded blessing will help counteract the emotional pain our children experience in the world…imagine what a yearly blessing can do! A blessing communicates acceptance. It validates our children’s worth and affirms their value. When we give our children a blessing we acknowledge their strengths and envision an exciting future for them based on those strengths. A blessing also informs our children that we are in their corner and committed to their future. Think about the healing such a blessing offers. Consider the strength that such a message can instill in the life of your children.

Giving your children the gift of your blessing takes some preparation. First, think about 2-3 traits you admire in your children. Do not settle for a simple physical ability. Consider what you truly admire. For instance, do you value your children’s ability in sports or do you really value the persistent effort and humble sportsmanship they exhibit? Do you look on their interaction with younger kids with admiration or do you really admire their sensitivity to others, their love of children, and their gentle spirit? Do you like the music they create with their instrument or do you admire their self-disciplined practice and humble desire to share their talent with others? You get the idea. Take time to think about what you truly admire and value in your children.

Second, identify a specific example for each trait. Perhaps you saw their sensitivity toward others when they helped their friend after a difficult experience. Or maybe you noticed their sportsmanship in the way they interacted with a member of an opposing team who was taunting him…or when he was disappointed with where the coach placed him. Think of one concrete example for each trait you have identified.

Third, think about how these traits will help provide a special future for your children.

Fourth, write it all out. Keep it short—no more than one side of one page. Write down the two or three traits you admire followed by a supporting example for each. Share your excitement for their future in light of these traits and strengths. And, make it clear that you will remain present and supportive in their life as they move toward their future.

Golden crownThere is one more step. After you have written your blessing, schedule a time to meet with your child to give her the blessing. Make it a special time. You might give your child his or her blessing over a special dinner or during a special outing. Make it a time that will reflect the gravity of the blessing.

Giving the gift of your blessing takes time and effort. However, the result is powerful! Hurts are healed. Character is validated and reinforced. Strengths are affirmed. Identify is valued and supported. Your child will walk away after receiving your blessing with their head held a little bit higher, their step a little livelier, and their relationship with you a little more secure. What a blessing!

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The Dark Side of Praise

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What should parents do when their children do something well? Praise them, of course! Praise them with statements like: “You are so smart.” “That is a beautiful picture.” “Good job cleaning your room.”  Well…at least common knowledge on the street says to praise a job well done. However, praise does have a dark side. Let me give you three examples from the dark side of praise.

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When we praise our children by attributing their success to some natural ability, we create an environment primed for underachievement! In one study, two groups of students were praised for completing a puzzle. One group was praised for their natural ability–“You are really smart.” The other group was praised for their effort—”You worked hard on that puzzle.” Sometime later, both groups were given the opportunity to choose another puzzle to complete: a hard puzzle or an easy puzzle. The children who had been praised for their natural ability overwhelmingly chose the easy puzzle while those children praised for their effort choose the harder, more challenging, puzzle. Attributing our children’s success to natural ability means they have no power to influence their success.  It is natural to them or they cannot do it. And, to fail means “my ability is limited…and so am I.”  A person cannot change what they have no power over. Attributing success to effort, on the other hand, gives our children a realistic measure of control. They can accept a challenge because they believe that exerting more effort will bring greater success.

 

Another study found that students quickly identified insincere praise. Students learned that praise from their teacher actually indicated a student’s limited ability. They learned their teachers tended to praise the poorer students, those with less ability, in an effort to encourage them to perform better. In other words, students recognize blarney when they hear it…and so will our kids!

 

One other aspect of the dark side of praise is seen in excessive praise. When we overpraise our children, they learn to work only for the praise. They may also seek constant reassurance, doubting their ability unless fawned over with praise. Or, an activity with little inherent praise (like household chores or expected study habits) will leave them unmotivated, uninterested. They only have interest in receiving praise, not in learning and achieving for the intrinsic joy of doing so.

 

Praise is not all bad though. Here are four tips to avoid the dark side of praise and stay in the light.

  • Recognize effort. Rather than giving praise that involves some global, non-descript label (“You are such a good girl”), recognize effort invested (“You really studied for that test”).
  • Show interest and recognize specifics. Don’t just praise the whole finished project (“Oh, that’s beautiful”). Instead, ask a few specific questions: like “How did you choose that color?” “Where did you come up with that idea?” Find out more about their project and their thoughts behind the project. Then, recognize some specific aspect of the finished project, like “I like the combination of colors you chose.” “You show creativity in the way that character solved his problem.”
  • Don’t rush in. Step back. When your children appear stuck, step back and wait. Don’t rush in to fix, correct, or help. Let them struggle to find their own solution. Then recognize their effort. Acknowledge the solution and a specific aspect of that solution that you find especially creative, unique, or interestingly.
  • Finally, reframe failure. I love the way the Robinsons respond to failure in “Meet the Robinsons.” (Click Here to watch) Failure was a celebration, an opportunity to learn. Celebrating failure as an opportunity to learn gives our children the freedom to put in effort, fail, learn, and continuing working toward a better solution…tying the first three points together.

 

Don’t go to the dark side…of praise.  With a little thought and effort, you can easily step into the light and enjoy the benefits of well-spoken encouragement and praise.

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Six A’s of Parenting

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Josh McDowell, in The Disconnected Generation, gives six ways to treat children that are crucial to effective parenting. These six points are not daily actions, but attitudes. They represent how we can effectively relate to our children; and, these points of relating become absolutely essential to raising emotionally and spiritually healthy children. I want to share these six attitudes with you because I believe they truly can make each of us a better parent.

     ·         Affirmation. Children need affirmation. They need parents who will rejoice with them when they rejoice and mourn with them when they mourn. Doing so validates their feelings and communicates that we value them. As parents we will find that listening to and understanding our children’s feelings allows us to connect with them. After we connect in this way, we are in a better position to address their concerns, teach values, and encourage appropriate decision making.

·         Acceptance. Children need to know that we accept them…unconditionally, just as they are. We accept our children based on who they are, not based on performance. Children feel secure when they know we accept them for who they are, not whether they perform well, succeed, or become like us. Ultimately, acceptance gives children a secure base from which they can explore the world.

·         Appreciation. Children blossom when they know their parents appreciate them. Parents can express appreciation for their children in private or in public, in written word or in spoken word, with physical gestures or a simple wink. When we appreciate our children, they gain a sense of significance and come to know that their efforts make a difference. Take note that acceptance needs to precede appreciation. In fact, appreciation without complete and unconditional acceptance is manipulation. So, practice accepting your children as they are…appreciate them for the “natural bent” of who they are. Also, make sure to appreciate their effort more than their accomplishments.

·         Affection. Children crave affection. Loving words and appropriate touch communicates affection to our children. It informs them that they are worth loving; that they are lovable. If parents do not provide loving words and affectionate touch, children will seek it elsewhere, often “looking for love in all the wrong places.” Demonstrate affection in your marriage as well as toward your children. The affection that children see modeled in your marriage gives them a sense of security in the family. It also sets an example of godly, loving affection they can emulate in their lives.

·         Availability. Children need parents who remain available to them—emotionally, mentally, and physically. When parents value their children enough to remain available to them, children gain a sense of importance. Remaining available to our children takes time. In fact, Josh McDowell notes that children spell love “T-I-M-E.” Show your children how much you love them by remaining available to talk with them, play with them, give them a hug, listen to them, or just “hang out” with them on a regular basis.   

·         Accountability. Parents also hold children accountable. By holding children accountable, we give them a sense of responsibility. We hold our children accountable for their actions and their words. We hold them accountable to completing tasks that support the family (chores). We hold them accountable to expectations and living by the values we cherish. At the same time, we balance rules with relationships. Rules and accountability without relationships leads to rebellion. Relationships without rules, on the other hand, lead to irresponsibility. Healthy accountability provides both rules and relationship.

As you practice these six A’s of parenting, you will find your children grow in maturity. They will become responsible young people who value other people’s opinions and rights as much as their own. You will have the joy of seeing them practice loving boundaries with themselves and others.
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Today’s Family Question Is…

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Janet Jackson asked “What Have You Done For Me Lately?” (1986 version). In this song, she wondered out loud about why her lover was not honoring her the way he used to honor her. Did you ever ask that question of your family? Everyone in the family gets caught up in their individual activities and runs from one thing to the next. Children run to sports, music, school, church, friends…. Parents run to work, home, church, transporting kids, maintaining the house…. Everyone is doing their own thing and the family winds up in what William Doherty calls the Entropic Family. Chores are left undone and Mom ends up doing them. Requests are ignored as people run out the door to do their own thing or forgotten as I get caught up in what’s important to me. Someone else has to do what another person forgets. In the midst of this busy-ness, family members feel taken advantage of. Parents begin to feel as though they are running a “bed and breakfast” with chauffer services. Children begin to think they are the family slave. Emotional distance grows, frustrations multiply, and anger swells like a tsunami. People start spouting off with Janet Jackson, “What Have You Done For Me Lately?”
 
Stop. Bring the family together. We need to reframe the question. Let each person ask themselves, “What Have I Done to Honor My Family Today?” What have I done to show my parents how much I love them and appreciate all they do for me? What have I done to show my children how much I love them and admire their character and growth? If you are not sure what you can do to honor your family, try these ideas:
·         When you finish your drink, wash your cup or put it in the dishwasher.
·         Keep your family informed of your schedule.
·         Make time to complete simple chores around the house.
·         Enjoy time with your family, even if it means sacrificing one of your activities.
·         Say thank you and show appreciation with a hug.
·         Ask instead of demand or tell.
·         In general, think about your family members. What can you do around the house to make them happier today? Do that. What would bring a smile to their face? Do it. What will make them feel loved? Get it done. 
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“Shut Up & Put Up” to Ruin Your Marriage & Family

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The “shut up and put up” strategy sounds inviting at first. You know, avoid the conflict and just go along for the sake of peace. After all, everyone enjoys a harmonious relationship filled with peace and quiet. Some people will put up with almost anything to keep the peace. “Little irritations…no big deal, I’d rather maintain harmony than rock the boat.” Unfortunately, those little irritations can pile up, getting heavier and heavier, until we feel smothered. In anger, we begin to lash out at minor irritations, packing them together into giant cannonballs that we can fire at our family. At that point, we know that the “shut up and put up” strategy has backfired and turned into a “lash out and stone ’em” reaction. The “lash out and stone ’em” reaction results in family pain and disconnection. If the “shut up and put up” strategy does not work, what’s a spouse to do?
 
Talk. Talk to your spouse about the behavior that bothers you; but, before you talk to your spouse, take time to think about the behavior and what it teaches you. Think about what you can learn from the irritating behavior about: yourself first and your spouse second. Here are some questions to guide your learning:
·         How does this behavior bother you? Why does it irritate you? Does it represent some desire or priority that you feel is missing in your life?
·         Does the behavior contribute to feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness? Does it make you feel unloved or unacceptable?
·         Does your reaction to this irritation have anything to do with past events in your life–events first experienced in your family of origin or previous romantic relationships?
·         What is your spouse’s intent in this behavior? What is their positive intent?
·         Is this behavior a response to your behavior? For instance, does your spouse engage in this behavior when you make certain statements, jokes, or expressions?
·         What are some ways your spouse makes you feel loved, accepted, and valued?
 
Once you take the time to learn what this situation can teach you about yourself and your spouse, talk to your spouse about it. Here is a simple way to approach this discussion. 
 
First, tell your spouse at least one thing you appreciate about them. If you know that they had some positive intent in the irritating behavior, acknowledge it. Thank them for the positive intent, positive behaviors, and positive investment they make in your relationship. Doing so sets the stage for a more congenial interaction. Your spouse will know that you approach them in love and they will feel safer opening up to you. They will have an easier time hearing what you have to say since they feel appreciated. In other words, let your first statements be statements of love and appreciation, setting the stage for an open and loving interaction.
 
Second, give a specific example of the behavior that bothers you. Make it brief. Limit yourself to only one or two sentences in which you explain that behavior. By giving a specific example you help to limit arguing. Most people will not argue about an objective event that occurred. By keeping your description of the behavior brief, you limit the desire to become defensive or just “shut down” as they listen.   
 
Third, make one statement that explains how this behavior makes you feel. Once again, only one statement. “When you do this, it makes me feel….” The specific example of the behavior is an objective description. This statement is a subjective feeling. Say it calmly, without accusation. Then move on to the fourth step.
 
Fourth, offer an alternative and more pleasing behavior that could accomplish the same goal. Offer a solution to the whole situation. Put it altogether and you get a simple, and brief, alternative to the “shut up and put up strategy.” Consider these two examples:
     ·         “I realize you avoid telling me some things because you don’t like to see me upset and you want me to feel better. I appreciate your concern for me. However, when you interrupt me while I’m explaining a troubling situation to you and offer a solution, I feel unimportant to you and devalued by you. If you could just listen to me and let me know you understand my feelings, I would really feel better.” 
     ·         “Honey, I know that you really like a neat house and I appreciate how beautiful you keep our home. You are a great home maker. However, when we come home after a lovely night out and you immediately start cleaning, I feel like the house is more important to you than I am. If you could sit down with me for a half hour and talk when we get home, I will help you clean afterwards.”
 
Give it a try and check out the results. I believe you will be pleasantly surprised!
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Family Investments As Easy As 1…2…3

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When it comes to making investments, those constant and regular small contributions make a huge difference. Little contributions made to your account on a regular basis add up to huge long-term dividends. The same is true in family honor banking. If you want to grow your family honor account, here is an investment strategy as easy as 1…2…3.
1.      Make 1-word investments like “thanks” and “please.” When someone does something for you, say “Thanks.” Never pass up an opportunity to thank someone for what they have done for you. When you ask someone to do something for you, say “Please.” Anything from “Pass the salt” to “Would you mop the bathroom floor” can be paired with that one word, “Please.” Make these one-word investments generously; they result in huge dividends.
 
2.      Make 2-word investments. Two-word investments don’t just double your investment, they grow it exponentially. The first 2-word investment is “Thank you.” I know, we used “thanks” as a 1-word investment but you can never show too much gratitude. “Thanks” and “Thank you” (1- and 2-word investments) show gratitude, carry great clout, and will never disappoint you with their long-term return.
 
“You’re welcome” is another powerful 2-word investment tool. When someone says “Thank-you,” respond with “You’re welcome.” It shows respect and consideration for the person who thanks you. Of course, there are variations on this investment. Instead of “You’re welcome,” you could reply with another 2-word investment like “My pleasure.” Although a slightly different investment tool, very powerful in building relationship. 
 
One more very powerful 2-word investments: “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry” is a humbling investment, but one that brings a huge dividend in the family bank of honor. “I’m sorry” not only adds dividends to long-term investments, it actually restores withdrawals of honor from the account. “I’m sorry” lets your family know that their feelings and rights are important to you, even if you slip up and hurt them on occasion. “I’m sorry” restores relationships. A very powerful investment with only two simple words (well, one contraction and one word).
 
3.      Make 3-word investments. Three-word investments come in great variety. Some of the most common and powerful 3-word investments include “I love you,” “I respect you,” “I appreciate you,” etc. You can also add variety to these investments by adding specifics after the 3-word investment. For instance, “I love your hair” or “I appreciate you’re hard work.” These investments include a 3-word investment followed by a specific investment–great dividends.
 
One more powerful 3-word investment: “I forgive you.” This 3-word investment is a great follow-up to the 2-word investment of “I’m sorry.” Although “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” may well be two of the hardest investments to make, they carry tremendous benefits. They demand sacrifice on the part of the investor, but the returns are potentially amazing–restored relationship, growing intimacy, and restored trust to name a few. 
 
There you have it: a powerful investment strategy for banking at the Family Bank of Honor—an investment strategy as simple as 1…2…3. Imagine the impact of sitting down to dinner to hear:
“Pass the green beans, PLEASE.”
“THANK YOU.”
“YOU’RE WELCOME.”
“I APPRECIATE YOU cleaning the porch off today.”
“I didn’t do that.”
“I did.”
“Oh, I’M SORRY. I APPRECIATE YOU cleaning the porch then.”
“THAT’S ALRIGHT. It was MY PLEASURE.”
 
A dinner conversation filled with great investments into the Family Bank of Honor-as easy as 1…2…3.
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The Mirror in a Parent’s Eye

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“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” That’s the question of fairy tales. In real life, children ask, “Mirror, mirror in your eyes, am I worthy of your love?” and “Mirror, mirror in your eyes, please accept me-call me fine?” Children do not look at a mirror on a wall to determine their worth, they look into their parents’ eyes. They find their worth, lovability, and acceptance in the image they see reflected back to them from their parents. The reflection they see of themselves in our eyes becomes their personal identity.
 
·         Do your children look into your eyes and see disapproval and disregard more often than admiration? If so, they will come to believe they have no value, nothing to admire.
·         Do your children feel disrespected and ignored by you more often than adored by you? If so, they will come to see themselves as disrespected and disrespectful.
·         Do they see you avoid them or mock them more often than you praise them and compliment them? If so, they will come to see themselves as worthless.
·         Do your children see you spend more time with Sunday afternoon football or the Sunday paper than you spend with them? If so, they will see themselves as second rate and unacceptable.
 
If we want our children to see themselves as acceptable, valuable, beautiful, or lovable, the first step is to assure them that we see and treat them as acceptable, valuable, beautiful, and lovable. When our children look into the mirrors of our eyes, they need to see us reflect back delight, acceptance, pride, and an abiding love. Are the mirrors of your eyes polished and clear? Do they reflect the image you want your child to become? Here are nine suggestions to help you reflect a healthy image to your child.
      1.      Reflect caring for yourself. Get enough rest and eat a healthy diet. Living a healthy lifestyle assures that you have the energy and strength to reflect a healthy image of your child.
      2.      Reflect delight for your child. Remember how you felt at the moment of your child’s birth? Remember the delight and awe you experienced as a new life, your child, entered into the world? Recall that emotion and delight. Think about how much your child means to you. Consider the strengths and talents they possess. Allow yourself to remain awed at their life and abilities.
      3.      Reflect interest in your child. When they come home from school, look up from the computer and greet them. Ask about their day. Let them see the sparkle of delight in your eyes as they tell you about their day.
      4.      Reflect pride in your child. Compliment them on a job well-done. Acknowledge their courage when they behave well in spite of peer pressure. Recognize the times that they obey you, especially when they disagree with the rule (such as curfew or “lights out”). Admire their character every chance you get.
5.      Reflect respect for your child. Make requests that include “please.” Offer a “thank you” when they complete a chore or get something you ask them to get. Remember to say “you’re welcome” when they express thanks to you. Open doors and let your children go through first. Listen respectfully. Speak graciously. 
6.      Reflect value for your child. Keep your promises. Let your child know that you value them enough to give them your time and attention. Pick them up without complaining after they spend time at a friend’s home. Have their friends over to your house and give them a snack.
7.      Reflect admiration for your child. Verbally express your love for your child. Say “I love you” sincerely and often. Admire your child’s beauty. Let them know that you believe they are attractive and point out one or two features you find most attractive.
8.      Reflect a belief in your child’s potential.  Tell them that you believe in them. Encourage them in their academics, hobbies, spiritual life, etc. Even when you discipline, do so with a belief that they can live up to the moral ideals and values of your family. Use discipline to teach them of their potential. Make sure you discipline them out of love, not anger. As you discipline, offer an alternative, positive behavior to replace the negative behavior exhibited.
9.      Reflect acceptance and approval of your child. Hug your child every day. Affirm your love for your child…even if you have to discipline them…especially when you have to discipline them. Talk about things that interest them, even if they do not interest you. Proclaim your love and pride in your child in front of others.
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Going the Distance in the Family Marathon

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Family relationships are an ultra-marathon, not a sprint. Having all the skills and techniques in the world will only go so far unless you develop the endurance to “go the distance.” So, here are a few suggestions to help build endurance and help you “go the distance” in your family life.
  • Slow down to increase endurance. Slow the pace of your life so you can spend time with your family. Just hang out with individual family members or with your family as a whole. Have meaningless conversations. Spending time expresses value for the one you choose to be with. Family members consider you presence a sign of enduring love and care.
  • Fill your speech with kindness. Kind words have tremendous power to build an enduring family. So, encourage one another. Say “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome.” Go the distance-keep your words kind and polite, even when irritated, angry, or tired.
  • Every day, list at least one way you saw each family member make a positive investment in your family. Keep the list in a notebook or on your calendar. This will demand that you maintain a relational focus and keep your eyes open for positive contributions, even when you start feeling tired, angry, or begin to lose focus. Find a way to thank them for their contribution to the family on at least a weekly basis.
  • Every day, list at least three things you appreciate about each family member. What character traits do you find endearing? What mannerisms do you enjoy? What do you admire about them? Keep that list each day and tell them one thing from that list each day.
  • Make weekly goals about how you will show family members how much you value them. How will you show your love for each family member this week? How will you let them know how valuable they are to you? Once again, you will build endurance as you find creative ways to express this value week in and week out. It will demand some variation and creativity on your part; but, the results are amazing.
 
To really “go the distance” requires prevention as well. A yearly checkup can help to diagnoses various health conditions before they get bad, making treatment easier and more effective. The same is true in relationships. In fact, a yearly relationship check up can save a marriage, strengthen parent-child relationships, and lead to more satisfying family relationships. And, a family check up is free. That’s right, you can monitor the progress yourself. Here are some suggestions.
  • Each year write a letter to your spouse and children telling them how much they mean to you. Include 2-3 things you admire about them and an example to support each of those traits. Areas of admiration may include personality, areas of growth, or other things about them that have special meaning to you. After writing the letter, share it with that family member. Make the sharing a special occasion, an opportunity to spend time together talking, reminiscing, and enjoying one another’s company.
  • Ask your spouse and children what you can do to improve your family relationships. The following questions might help. The answers to these questions can be difficult to hear. However, we grow through constructive feedback. Asking for feedback shows your desire to grow personally and as a family. It shows how much you value your family and family member’s opinions.
    • What can I do to make you feel more loved? Respected? Secure? Understood?
    • When you think of me, what is the first thought/image that comes to mind? How do you think of me?
    • What do you think I value most?
    • Is there one characteristic you would like me to develop? An area you want me to work on improving?
    • What are some things I can do to show you how much I value having you in my family?
    • How do you envision our future together? What can we do to achieve that goal together?
 
By following these simple steps, you can add depth and longevity to your family relationships. You can “go the distance” and experience greater relationship health and happiness.
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My Michelangelo

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Michelangelo is quoted as saying, “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” I love that quote. Researchers describe a Michelangelo effect between spouses when one spouse brings out the best, the angel, in the other. My wife is my Michelangelo. Other people look at me and see a slab of rock; but she sees something more. She looks into that slab of rock and sees a statue waiting to take shape, dreams and aspirations waiting to emerge, an ideal self waiting to be set free. At times, I think she believes I am more like that ideal person than I really am. She compliments me like I’ve already achieved more of my ideal than I really have. Not only does she see and believe in my ideals and dreams, she actively helps me reach for them. She supports me and even assists me in reaching my goals. All the while, she talks about how much she enjoys doing things with me. 

Don’t get me wrong. She still recognizes my limits and shortcomings. In many ways, she compensates for them. When I feel frustrated with so much bureaucracy, she handles it. When I become overwhelmed with all that needs done, she takes some of the burden. Sometimes I become obsessed with worry and she “talks sense to me.” Other times I prepare to jump head first into the mix and she brings needed caution and forethought. All the while, she encourages and compliments.

Yes, my wife is my Michelangelo. She has taken a slab of stone and helped find the statue inside. She did not decide what statue she thought I should become. Instead, she realized the ideal self I wanted to become and encouraged that ideal. She recognized my dreams, accepted those dreams, and supported me in reaching for those dreams. In the process, she lovingly chisels away at the fears and inhibitions that interfere with my dreams. She helps add shape and substance to my dreams and makes me a better person for it. I only hope I can do the same for her.

So, to my wife I say: “Thank you for being the Michelangelo to my slab of marble. Thank you for honoring me enough to envision the ‘angel in the marble’ and patiently, lovingly helping to ‘set him free.'”

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Intentional Gratitude

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Gratitude comes easy when life is good, love is easy, and family relationships running smooth. But, when life becomes rushed, love stressed, and family members disappointing, gratitude becomes more difficult. During such times, we must intentionally become attentive of our family and make a purposeful effort to show them gratitude. Why make the effort? Let me share three of the many reasons gratitude is worth the effort, even when times are difficult.

 

Gratitude protects us from temptation. One author suggests that a lack of gratitude laid the foundation for Adam and Eve to sin in the Garden of Eden. Could it be that a lack of gratitude for the abundant blessings available in the Garden allowed Satan to tempt Adam and Eve with the one tree they were told to avoid? Perhaps an expression of gratitude for the extravagant abundance available in the Garden would have staved off the temptation to eat the “forbidden” fruit.

 

I find this principle true in marriages as well. When a couple stops expressing gratitude for one another, they lay the foundation for a potential affair. The one who does not express appreciation for their spouse may find themselves tempted to partake of the “forbidden fruit” that deceptively appears “greener” than the fruit in their own house. And, the one that feels unappreciated may find themselves drawn to someone outside the marriage who expresses gratitude and appreciation for them. Gratitude protects us from temptation.

 

Gratitude reduces stress and gives us courage. A lack of gratitude leaves us dissatisfied with our past. It leads to grumbling and complaining. Perhaps Israel wandered the wilderness for forty years partly in response to a lack of gratitude. After all, they had experienced God’s protection during the plagues in Egypt, His deliverance from Egypt, and His miraculous power as they crossed the Red Sea. They survived on God’s provision of food and water as well. In spite of these opportunities to give thanks, they grumbled and complained. They focused on what they did not have rather than focusing on God’s miraculous provision. In their midst of grumbling, they sent a reconnaissance mission into the Promise Land. Most of the spies returned fearful of the Promise Land. Their lack of gratitude for God’s miraculous provision led to self-induced fear, mistrust, and a future with no vision. As a result, they spent 40 years wandering the wilderness.

 

It comes as no surprise that when a person grumbles, they feel more stress. Grumbling focuses on dissatisfaction and worry. Complainers feed off others who complain. Grumbling escalates and the focus on the worst case scenario grows stronger, fear increases, courage falls away. Gratitude, on the other hand, sets our focus on those things that have gone well and those blessings we have received. It lends itself to a peaceful acceptance of what we have today. It grants us courage, based on the gracious joys of yesterday, to accomplish our vision of tomorrow. As an unknown author stated, “gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

 

Gratitude keeps love alive and growing. Without gratitude, love fades. When we feel stressed, irritated, or rushed, we often project those feelings onto those around us. These are the times when we do not feel like expressing gratitude. Instead, we take people and things for granted. Our interactions become more harsh, hurried, or even rude. I have met many children, teens, and young adults who misbehave in an effort to elicit some expression of emotion from others. If they can not elicit the joy of gratitude and appreciation, they will accept the connection of irritated anger and frustration. As this continues, love fades and attention-seeking misbehavior grows. Lest you think this only relates to children, consider what happens in your marriage if you feel that your spouse does not appreciate you. Love fades and attention seeking behavior grows.

 

Gratitude, on the other hand, expresses that you value the other person enough to attend to and appreciate them. In fact, gratitude becomes a gift of appreciation. It sparks the embers of affection and fans the flame of love. It pleases the heart and endears us to one another. Gratitude creates the foundation of joy today that becomes a vision tomorrow. Gratitude keeps love alive and growing.

 

So, how can we remain grateful when we are frustrated, stressed, disappointed, or feeling rushed? Here are a few ways to intentionally make gratitude a part of your family life:

  1. Volunteer as a family to help those less fortunate.
  2. Take time to recall and list as many qualities as you can think of that you have appreciated about each family member in the past.
  3. Make a daily list of three things you appreciate about each family member.
  4. Make a weekly list of 3-5 things each family member has done to help strengthen family relationships.
  5. Make a point of sharing one item from your list with each family member each day.

    HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING!!!

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