Tag Archive for stress management

Breathe…Just Breathe

I remember learning a couple important lessons about breathing as a child and teen. I mean, I already knew how to breath. We all do, right? We don’t even have to think about breathing to do it. We know the general importance of breathing; we have to breathe to live. This became especially poignant to me when, on several occasions, water went “down the wrong pipe” while I was swimming, leading to my panicked gasping for air. (Sounds like the panicked gasping for breath people take during Christmas shopping–LOL.) I also remember being taught how to breathe while engaged in various sports. I even remember a friend being so upset that we had to remind them to “breathe…just breathe. Breathe in and let it out slowly.”

That’s the rub, isn’t it? As natural as it is to breathe, we seem to forget to breathe when we get upset, frightened, or angry. Our heart rate increases. Our mind starts to race. No wonder…we need to breathe. Breathing will help bring our heart rate back to normal and allow our minds the freedom to think more rationally rather than simply race to survive.

We encourage one another to breathe when stressed out because breathing helps our bodies manage stress and our “selves” maintain composure. As you can see, the benefits of breathing extend to the whole person. Breathing not only influences our lungs but our cardiovascular system, our neurological system, and even our digestion.

Why do I mention this in regard to family? Because encouraging our family members to “breathe” can reduce stress, improve mental health, reduce and manage symptoms of anxiety, and even lower blood pressure. Breathing can help keep family disagreements civil by lowering everyone’s heart rate, reducing the risk of falling into a state of “fight or flight,” and encouraging more clearheaded hearing and discussion.

Don’t believe it’s true? Try it out. The next time you find yourself in a heated discussion with your spouse, your teen, your toddler, or your parent…step back and take a deep breath. Breathe. Model intentional breathing during any time you find yourself upset or frustrated, angry or fearful. Your family will probably notice and will witness firsthand the benefits for you and for them. You will be pleasantly surprised at the benefit for the whole family.

Defeat the Stress of the Mess

Have you ever noticed that when your room or desk or kitchen becomes messy or cluttered you begin to feel overwhelmed? I know I do. When my room begins to get cluttered, my mind begins to feel cluttered and a little more anxious. When the sink becomes filled with clutter (dirty dishes), I feel stressed. I know this isn’t true for everyone (and it’s not necessarily true for the edges of my desc). But it’s true for many…and it may be true for someone in your family. Why? At least one study suggest that many people experience “cognitive overload” in the midst of a cluttered environment. The clutter distracts their focus and attention, overwhelms them with stimuli, while they try to prioritize the information around them.

On the positive side, clutter has been linked with greater creativity (thus my desk—that’s my rational and I’m sticking with it!).  Still, on the negative side, clutter has also been linked with eating a less healthy diet and less effective parenting which can potentially contribute to more behavioral problems. Clutter can also contribute to an increase in anxiety.

If clutter increases your stress or the stress of someone in your family, what can you do? The simple answer is to clear the clutter. But, in today’s busy and cluttered world, that can prove challenging at times. So here are some tips to help you declutter and “free your mind” from the stress of the mess, the tyranny of clutter. 

  • Declutter once a week. Set aside a specific time each week to clean up and declutter. Play some music in the background while you do. If you’d prefer, listen to a podcast while you clean your area. Recognize that as you reduce the distractions associated with clutter, you ease your mental load and free yourself to focus mentally and get more done.
  • Establish “micro-decluttering times.” If you struggle to set an extended period once a week, try cleaning for 5-10 minutes each day.
  • Bypass the clutter altogether. Develop the habit of “handling things (like the mail) once.” As soon as you get the mail, look at it. Decide what is necessary. If it’s junk mail, toss it right then and there. If it’s a bill, put it in a file for bills to be paid. The same principle can apply to dishes. After you eat, wash the plates and put them away…or rinse the and put them in the dishwasher. You get the idea. Don’t leave stuff laying around until you get to it. “Handle it once” and put it in its appropriate place.
  • Define the clutter. Recognize that not all clutter is bad clutter. Perhaps you or a family member have certain areas of clutter that aids your “creative side” (my desk—I told you I’m sticking with it.) Discuss this as a family and define what area can have clutter, the boundaries of how far that clutter can extend, and any other limit on the clutter.
  • Don’t go overboard.  Remember, clutter happens. No need for perfectionism. In fact, a perfectionistic worry about clutter can prove as harmful as clutter for a person’s mental health. Do the best you can. Work together.

Don’t let the tyranny of clutter overwhelm you. Defeat the stress of the mess by implementing these 5 actions. Not only will you minimize the clutter in your home, but you will also maximize your cognitive space for giving undistracted attention to your family. Undistracted attention to my family…that sounds like a great reward.

Reduce Family Stress with This Simple Activity

Our families experience an amazing amount of stress in today’s world. We are rushed and pressured from multiple angles—work demands, school demands, sports involvement, 24-hour news feeds, church and community involvement…. The list goes on. Demands and expectations from so many areas impinge upon our lives and increase our stress and our families’ stress. In fact, a whole market has evolved to help us learn to manage our stress.

In the midst of all this, a simple activity arises as an easy way to help your family feel less stressed. The American Heart Association’s Healthy for Good movement completed a nation-wide survey of 1,000 adults in the U.S. to affirm the effectiveness of this activity in reducing stress in a family. What is that activity?  Having regular family meals.

That’s right, sharing a family meal on a regular basis. A full 91% of the survey respondents said their family felt less stressed when they ate together. The respondents also reported that sharing a meal reminded them of the importance of connecting (67%) with others and to slow down in order to take a break [54%]. In addition, respondents reported that sharing meals with others encouraged them to make healthier food choices [59%].


In other words, connecting with family by sharing regular meals together can reduce stress, increase connection, and contribute to healthier food choices. All of this will contribute to greater physical and emotional health for your family as well as greater family intimacy. Sounds like a “no-brainer,” doesn’t it? Sit down with your family and enjoy sharing a family meal every chance you get.

P.S. If you’re looking for ways to make family meals more enjoyable and simple, visit the American Heart Association’s Together Tuesday, for some excellent ideas.

Help, My Child is a Perfectionist

In December, 2021, the US Surgeon General issued an “advisory on the youth mental health crisis” that was “further exposed by COVID-19 Pandemic.” Even before the pandemic, our youth struggled with depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide. In fact, this report noted that “high school students reporting persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness increased by 40%” during the decade prior to the pandemic. During that same period of time, high school students “seriously considering attempting suicide” increased by 36% and those who actually created a plan for suicide increased by 44%. And the pandemic only made the issue worse.

Many factors contribute to these statistics. In fact, our children have multiple stressors to deal with—pressures regarding performance, college and future career demands, parental expectations, self-expectations, comparisons…the list goes on. It is no wonder that in the midst of all this, our children and teens often develop a perfectionistic attitude; and that perfectionistic attitude can fuel depression and anxiety. What contributes to a child becoming a perfectionist? Here are a couple of contributors.

  1. Academic pressures. Grades, athletics, and extracurricular involvement become factors with which children and teens compare themselves with one another. Children and teens compete and strive to “be the best.”  They may feel pressure to obtain good grades in “AP” classes to get into the best college possible, to become the top athlete to gain a college scholarship, or to become the premier musician or artist or actor in their school to gain a scholarship. If not put in proper perspective, each of these stresses can contribute to an attitude of perfectionism that contributes to depression and anxiety.
  2. Social pressures. Social media escalates social comparisons. The number of “likes” and “followers” becomes a quantitative measure of popularity. Edited photos to “improve” appearance, pictures of only happy days, and photos of friends having fun “without me” all promote perfectionism and fuel comparisons that impact our children’s and teen’s self-esteem…which leads to a third contributor to perfectionism.
  3. Low self-esteem. Children may think that becoming the best athlete, the best student, or the most popular peer will make them feel better about themselves. Unfortunately, this strategy backfires. No one can become the best of everything. Even the “best athlete” has competitors. And all the comparisons made to “become number one” only serves to further shatter self-esteem.
  4. Parental influences. A parent who wants their child to become the best they can be (and we all want that) can inadvertently contribute to their child’s perfectionism. In fact, a meta-analysis of 21 studies that included data from 7,000 college students found that parental expectations and criticisms increased students’ self-criticism and perfectionism. A second meta-analysis of studies completed between 1989 and 2021 and included data from 23,975 college students. This meta-analysis suggests that “parental expectations, criticism and their combined parental pressure increased” an “average of 40%” over those years. Parents have higher expectations and voice more criticism in reaction to the increased pressure on children in academic and social settings in general. These increased expectations and criticisms contribute to perfectionism. (See Rising Parental Expectations Linked to Perfectionism in College Students.)

If the pressures of society filter through the family to the child, what can a parent do to help their child and teen not become a perfectionist?

  1. Resolve your own perfectionism and fears. Our children and teens learn first and foremost from how we live our lives. If you struggle with perfectionism, address it. You’ll be happier and your children will be happier. You can begin by considering the tips below for yourself as well as your children.
  2. Set realistic expectations. There is more than one type of perfectionism. Self-critical perfectionism is what we often think of when we think of perfectionism. In self-critical perfectionism a person sets up high personal standards and criticizes themselves if they believe they fall short of that standard, experience a failure, or encounter an obstacle that temporarily sets them back. In personal standards perfection, on the other hand, a person sets high goals for themselves but does not become self-critical when they fall short. They strive to become the best they can be knowing that their growth is a process, a journey, not an end goal or destination. They maintain realistic expectations of growth. Developing personal standards perfection rather than self-critical perfection demands self-awareness and self-honesty. We must be honest about our abilities, strengths, desires, and goals. And doing this takes a measure of self-compassion.
  3. Practice self-compassion. Realize that everyone experiences temporary “failures” and setbacks. Those “failures” and setbacks are opportunities to learn and grow. Everyone is in the process of growing and none of us has achieved perfection. As a result, people who practice self-compassion treat themselves with kindness, encouragement, and support. They speak words of comfort to themselves rather than words of criticism, words of encouragement rather than words that reprimand, words of kindness rather than words that berate. Self-compassion will lead to greater success. Our children will learn to practice self-compassion when we practice self-compassion and when we offer them words of kindness, encouragement, and support when they feel discouraged or overwhelmed.
  4. Practice gratitude. Rather than falling prey to comparisons, practice gratitude for how you have grown, strengths and abilities you possess, and personal integrity that live. Acknowledge the positive aspects of yourself.
  5. Humbly celebrate the success of others. Really, there is very little that proves more humbling than celebrating another person’s success in an area where you also want to succeed. Find a way to “be happy” for another person’s success, to rejoice with them.

These five practices can help you limit your child’s perfectionism and nurture a healthy life of growth for your child.

Help Calm Your Stressed Child

When our children get upset, we often encourage them to “slow down” and “take a breath.” Intuitively, we know that “taking a breath” can help our children calm down, sooth themselves, just like it does for us. An experiment conducted by Jelena Obradovic, director of the Stanford SPARK Lab, revealed that teaching children to breathe deeply in an everyday setting, like a children’s museum, a public playground, or a full-day summer camp, effectively reduce their stress. One important feature of this study was the 1-minute-18-second video used to guide the children through four calming breathes and so teach them to use breathing to manage their stress.

I share this information and the teaching video with you because we want our children to learn how to effectively manage their stress and frustration. Learning to breathe deeply by “smelling a flower” before “blowing out a candle” will help. It will be a great help when your child is stressed over some upcoming situation or following some situation like:

  • preparing to get a vaccine
  • getting ready for a performance
  • getting ready for school
  • after having an argument with a friend
  • experiencing anxiety about a test or tryout or game.

In fact, learning to breathe deeply can help our children manage stress anytime it arises. I don’t know about you, but helping my children manage their stress reduces my stress as well. So, I’m going to take a breath and relax while teaching my children to breathe deeply to manage stress as well.

This Daily Experience Can Increase Your Family’s Happiness

Rather than trying to pique your interest, I’m just going to say this plainly. According to a study published in 2020, daily spiritual experiences, defined as experiences related to God as well as “transcendent feelings not related to God” (like feeling a deep inner peace or harmony), make people happier. Daily spiritual experiences also help reduce the effects of stress according to this research.

These findings are the result of monitoring 2,795 people via their phones for 2 weeks, asking them about positive and negative emotions as well as their current activity at random times throughout the time of the study.

The results go even further by suggesting that if two people experience equal amounts of stress, the one with more spiritual experiences is less likely to report depressive symptoms and “more likely to indicate feelings of flourishing.” On an individual level, a person experiences greater mental well-being on days in which they have more spiritual experiences. Why? Perhaps because spiritual experiences reduce self-centeredness and increase a sense of connection with Someone/something bigger than our selves.

Here’s the takeaway for our families. We can use this knowledge to increase well-being in our family by encouraging individual and family spiritual experiences. How can we do that?

  • Pray as a family and individually. Take a moment as a family to offer a prayer of thanksgiving before meals. Make prayer part of your family bedtime routine. This offers a time to offer prayers of gratitude, pray about difficult circumstances, and offer pray for other people.
  • Attend worship services. Worship services offer a wonderful spiritual experience for the whole family.
  • Watch for moments of awe throughout the day. When you experience a moment of awe, share that with your family. Savor moments of awe with your family as well.
  • Practice daily spiritual exercises such as meditation, mindfulness, silence, serving others, or gratitude, to name a few. Make one or more of these spiritual exercises part of your daily routine.
  • Sing together. Singing brings people into sync with one another. It can also contribute to a spiritual experience. Sing with your family.
  • Attend religious services together.

These ideas will help shape an environment in your home that is conducive to spiritual experiences for your family and for each person in your family. With those opportunities for spiritual experiences, your family will also enjoy the benefit of greater happiness.

Leisure, Productivity, & Happiness for Your Family

Leisure…free time spent on enjoyment and relaxation in an unhurried manner. How many of us would like more leisure time? I know I do. But our answer this question may change how much we enjoy leisure time: “When is the best time to enjoy leisure activities?” Many will answer by saying,” After my work is done.” That answer points to a common belief many people in our society hold. Productivity, we believe, is the ultimate goal; time is a resource we need to maximize for productivity and leisure is secondary. (Enjoy Dr. Selin Malkoc’s Tedx Talk for more.) This belief interferes with our enjoyment of personal leisure, family leisure, and even family fun. “So what?” you might ask. Well…

A series of studies completed by researchers at Ohio State University looked at how this belief about productivity and time impacts not only our ability to enjoy leisure but our mental health as well. In one study, 199 students completed a brief questionnaire assessing their beliefs about leisure time as well as measures of how much they enjoyed various leisure activities. Additional questionnaires assessed their levels of happiness, depression, anxiety, and stress. Those who believed productivity as more important than leisure and leisure a wasteful use of time, experienced less enjoyment during leisure activities. They also reported lower levels of happiness and higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. That’s not a great combination for us as individuals or for our families.

In another study, college students came to an office believing they were simply answering surveys for a study.  In the midst of the surveys, they were given a break to watch a short, funny cat video. The actual focus of the study was based on the participants’ response to this short break, a short period of leisure in the midst of work. Those who reported on the surveys that they viewed leisure as secondary to productivity enjoyed the videos less. They were not productive or useful, so they were less enjoyable…even funny, cute cat videos!

Why do I tell you this in a blog about families? Because our families and every person in our families need leisure time.  Individually, leisure time helps us manage stress and supports a positive self-concept. Leisure time reduces anxiety and depression while increasing positive emotions.

In marriage, engaging in leisure time that both you and your spouse enjoy will create greater intimacy. In will lead to a greater knowledge of your spouse, a better friendship, and greater satisfaction with your relationship.

Leisure time allows children to learn and grow. It gives children time to play and interact, learning new skills as varied as negotiating with peers to how far they can safely “push” their physical limits of balance and speed. In fact, we will often see our children rise a “head taller than themselves” during some leisure activities.

Family leisure time provides the opportunity to talk and learn about one another. It creates an environment that nurtures intimacy and support. It helps us grow closer and so creates a safe haven in which to rest.

With all that in mind, don’t you want to spend a little more leisure time with your family? Here are 3 things to keep in mind so your family can enjoy the benefits of leisure time.

  • Put leisure time into your family schedule. One caveat though…don’t make a rigid leisure time schedule. Setting a firm start and end time for leisure often robs it of its fun. It makes it feel like another chore we have to fit in before the next thing on the schedule. In fact, one study showed that a scheduled leisure activity was significantly less enjoyable than an unscheduled or “roughly scheduled” one.  So, “roughly schedule” your leisure activity to start “around” and end “around” or “when we’re done.” Enjoy the free flow of your leisure activity.
  • Do not schedule another activity immediately after your leisure time. Doing so can make your leisure time feel rushed. It can interfere with your ability to truly “be in the moment” of an enjoyable leisure time…which brings us to the next bullet.
  • “Be in the moment” during your leisure time. Don’t think about the next event. And don’t give the leisure time some ulterior motive like “moving us toward the next event,” improving some skill, or “tiring the kids out.” These may all represent secondary benefits. But don’t let those interfere with the pure fun of being in the moment enjoying a fun interaction and time with your family.

The Case for Getting Together with Multiple Families

How do we regulate difficult emotions? How do we get through the hard times of life without having a “nervous breakdown”? I’m sure it will be surprised no one to know friends help us manage difficult emotions and navigate difficult times. But researchers at UCLA conducted a study that suggest our friends help us “see the problem” in a new way, even a better way than if we tried to deal with it alone.

In this study, researchers showed 120 participants a series of negative images like sad faces, angry faces, or people living in poverty. Of course, these images brought up negative emotions for the participants. In the first part of this study, participants were instructed to respond in one of three ways: 1) simply allow their natural response to the image to run its course, 2) reinterpret the image or their response in an effort to feel better, or 3) listen to a reinterpretation of the image recorded by a friend who had come with them. Both groups involving reinterpretation (groups 2 and 3) felt better, but those who heard a friend offer a reinterpretation (group 3) felt even better.

It wasn’t just the friend’s voice either. A second part of the study used the act of counting to determine if the mere sound of a friend’s voice would alleviate the negative emotions aroused by the images. One group counted to themselves. A second group listened to a friend count. Listening to a friend count was no more soothing than counting to oneself. Apparently, counting does not help us deal with negative emotions, even if a friend does it. Our friend’s voice does not help us deal with negative emotions in and of itself. No, it’s our friend’s advice and counsel that help us deal with negative emotions. (The voice of your mother, on the other hand, may be the medicine that cures what ails you.)

The takeaway message is that friends help us manage difficult emotions and navigate difficult times. Leaning into our friends increases our ability to manage difficulties. In fact, we can manage difficulties better with friends than we can alone…which brings me to families.

Getting together with other families is a great way to develop friendships. Get together for a picnic or a game night, to worship or simply to share a meal will nurture and broaden your friendships with the other family. Whatever we do when we get together with other families opens the door to building relationships and finding the support we need to navigate the difficulties of life.

I remember my parents getting together our family together with other families to play games. The adults played cards while the children played other games. Friendships developed…and those friendships helped us all through difficult times.

They say, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Maybe that sells the village a little short. Perhaps we could more appropriately say, “it takes a village to raise an emotionally healthy family.” Build your village. Enjoy time with other families.

The Superpower of a Compliment

March 1 was World Compliment Day, but I think we need a reminder of the importance of a good compliment more often than once a year. So, here’s a reminder of the superpower of a compliment. 

We all want our families to know how much we value them. And compliments make people feel valued. So, give your spouse a compliment. Give your children a compliment. Give your parent a compliment. Let them know how much you value them.

Compliments also reduce the negative effects of stress. What? A less stressful spouse? A less stressful child? A less stressful parent? All due to a simple, sincere compliment? Sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? But it is true. Give your family a compliment.

“Yeah, but you don’t know my family. They don’t care about compliments.” Research begs to differ. Research suggests we underestimate how good a sincere compliment will make the recipient feel. Honestly, don’t you enjoy a sincere compliment? So will your spouse, your children, and your parents.

“But if I give my family a compliment every day, they’ll get tired of it. It will become meaningless.” Not so. Sincere compliments, according to research, continue to lift the recipient’s mood every time they are offered, even when offered day after day. Compliments never grow old.

Don’t reserve March 1 for complimenting your spouse, children, and parents.  Get out there and compliment them today. Your sincere compliment will boost their positive mood. It will make them more aware of their inherit value. It will help them realize how much you value them. It will deepen and strengthen your relationship with them… and isn’t that what we really want? Give it a try. Compliment your family today and tomorrow. Compliment them every day for a month and pay attention to how this impacts their behavior and your relationship with them. You’ll love the results.

Supporting Family Health X2

I don’t know about you, but I am always on the lookout for my family’s physical and mental health. Unfortunately, they do not want to hear me talking about it all the time—they refer to it as “lecturing.” You know what they do like though? They love videos of cute animals. You may think those cat videos and cutesy animal videos get old, but my wife and daughters love them. Personally, I like the funny animal videos. At any rate, their love of cute animal videos opens a door for family health. In fact, according to research, I can now help my family stay healthy by giving them just what they love—videos of cute animal.

A study completed by researchers at the University of Leeds had participants watch a 30-minute slide that included images and short videos of animals. Fifteen of the nineteen participants were scheduled to take an exam 90 minutes after watching the video. The remaining four participants were “administrative staff who declared they were feeling stressed at work.” Prior to watching the video, the participants heart rate and blood pressure were mildly elevated. After watching the images of cute animals, their heart rates dropped to normal and their blood pressure moved into the ideal range (from an average of 136/88 to 115/71).

The participants also answered 20 questions to assess their stress levels. According to their responses, anxiety levels dropped for all the participants, sometimes as much as 50%…just by watching cute animal videos.

Finally, participants themselves reported the 30-minutes spent watching the video was “relaxing,” “enjoyable,” or “distracting” from upcoming stressors.

There you have it. No need to lecture your family about health. Just send them a few videos of cute animals. They’ll love you for it and it will help reduce their stress as well as improve their heart rate and blood pressure. That’s all good, don’t you think? I’m going to give it a try.

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