Tag Archive for gratitude

Do You Have Good News? Share It!

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Sometimes we hesitate to share good news with others. Maybe we fear making the other person feel bad or sounding like we’re boasting. However, a study published in Emotion tells a different story. This study involved 300 participants between 25 and 85 years of age. The research team prompted participants 6 times a day for 10 days to report on their level of gratitude as well as any social interactions and whether they had shared good news with someone else. The study revealed several important findings:

  • People who shared positive events with others felt more grateful in the moment.
  • People who shared good news with others felt closer to the person with whom they shared the good news.
  • People who received enthusiastic responses were the most grateful in this group.

Sharing good news with others draws our attention to the positive events and good things in life. It also gives us the opportunity to “re-experience” those events and perhaps even grow more appreciative as we do. In other words, we grow in gratitude for the good in our lives.

An enthusiastic response makes us feel validated and cared for by the one listening. When a person enthusiastically responds to our good news, we are no longer simply telling them about the event, but we are sharing it with them as we re-experience it together. We have offered a point of connection and, in accepting it, they share a joy with us that leads to a deeper relationship. This sharing also leads to greater gratitude—gratitude for the positive event as well as gratitude for connection to the one with whom we are sharing the positive event.

Wouldn’t it be great to share this kind of connection with family?

  • When our children come home ecstatic about some positive event they experienced at school, we can enthusiastically share in that event rather than minimize or disparage it. When we listen to and share their joy over the positive event, gratitude and interpersonal intimacy will increase.
  • When our spouse shares exciting news and we respond with a joy that matches their joy, gratitude grows and intimacy increases. Our enthusiastic response communicates how much we love and value them. It communicates how important they and their experiences are to us.
  • When we share a positive event from our day with our family, we share a piece of ourselves. We share a positive moment from our lives with them and, as a result, we experience greater intimacy. When they respond with like enthusiasm, we feel loved and validated. Our gratitude increases. Our intimacy grows deeper.

So, if you have good news, share it…especially with your family. When you do, you and your family will enjoy the increased gratitude and intimacy that results.

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Six Steps to Unhappiness (AND How to Avoid Them)

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A recent study involving 1,230 people and several on-line surveys revealed six small steps that descend into “reduced life satisfaction” or unhappiness. I want to describe them to you so we can protect our families from that descent into “reduced life satisfaction.” The first step involves taking a materialistic approach to life, having a materialistic mindset. Unfortunately, our consumer-oriented society promotes a materialistic mindset. Advertisements encourage our desire for more things, new things, and improved things to keep up with the times.

That materialistic mindset promoted by a consumer-oriented society tempts us to compare ourselves with others. The stronger a person’s materialistic mindset, the greater their tendency to compare themselves with others. Our unconscious thoughts become “I need what makes them happy.” Unhealthy comparisons (are any comparisons healthy?) drive us to the second step on the descent into unhappiness.

Of course, an easy place to compare oneself to others is on social media, which leads to the third step toward unhappiness—passive use of social media. Scrolling through social media and passively looking at content posted by others provides the perfect environment for social comparisons. The scroller sees “all the things” others have that seemingly brings them happiness—material blessings as well as activities and interactions. Suddenly, I need those things to bring me happiness.

Passive scrolling pushes us down to the fourth step on our descent into unhappiness—addictive use of social media. The person begins to spend more time on social media and more time thinking about various social media platforms. With that, they quickly descend to the fifth step—increased stress. The fear of missing out grows. As we fear missing out on experiences and the objects/materials that “make” those experiences enjoyable, we find ourselves at the bottom of the stairs in the basement of unhappiness wondering how we got here.

None of us want to slide down these six steps. Nor do we want to find our spouse or children sliding down these steps. In fact, we would do well to block the stairs altogether so that no one in the family begins the descent into long-term unhappiness. With that in mind, here are five actions you can take to keep your whole family off the stairs to unhappiness.

  • Practice daily gratitude. I know it sounds almost cliché, but we live happier lives when we practice gratitude. Make it a point to look for opportunities to express gratitude to the people in your family, your neighbors, the cashier, the waiter…to everyone you can. A disciplined practice of gratitude will also replace complaints with gratitude. Rather than complain about traffic, express gratitude that you have a mode of transportation. Rather than complaining about the heat, give thanks for cold showers and air conditioning.
  • Focus on experiences rather than material things. Material things begin to weigh on us over time. They accumulate, cluttering space and demanding time for upkeep and cleaning. Experiences, however, allow us the joy of sharing with others, memories of times together, and often result in a sense of awe that inspires greater joy.
  • Focus on relationships rather than material things. We are a social people. It’s wired into our DNA, our essence. Even introverts enjoy time with other people. Whether you enjoy time with just a few people or with whole parties of people, our relationship remains crucial to our mental and emotional health. Studies reveal that those who nurture healthy relationships live longer and healthier. They bring us greater joy. We need relationships.
  • Learn contentment. Our society confronts us with a “paradox of choice” that threatens to leave us with a constant sense of dissatisfaction. We have so many options that we fear we may have chosen poorly, if the one I didn’t get would have been better. If we’re not careful, these choices will rob us of contentment. We have to make a decision to accept what we have, to feel gratitude for what we have. Sharing what we have with others may also increase contentment. Accept what we have. Express gratitude for what we have. Share what we have. It all combines to bring us contentment.
  • Use social media in an active manner rather than a passive manner. There is a difference between mindlessly scrolling through social media platforms (passive use) and searching for information or maintaining contact with friends and family (active use). Passive use will lead us into mindless scrolling for hours, leaving us with a sense of dissatisfaction and sadness in response to time lost, comparisons mindlessly made, and a desire for more. Active use helps us acquire useful information and to maintain social contacts, both of which can bring greater joy. Use caution though because active use can easily slip into passive use before we know it. Be as wise in your consumption of social media as you are in consumption of food. Consume a healthy diet of active use.

These five action steps demand intention and awareness, but they will keep you and your family off the six steps to unhappiness. They will keep you on the path of contentment, joy, and growing intimacy within your family.

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Don’t Forget the Secret Sauce

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Many ingredients nurture a strong and healthy marriage: communication, time together, sharing emotions…the list goes on. But, the secret sauce of relationships, the ingredient that flows over it and adds extra flavor to the whole, is gratitude. Feeling appreciated by your spouse and appreciating your spouse forms a crucial ingredient to a healthy marriage. This truth became evident in a study that looked at the effectiveness of online relationship interventions. The primary finding revealed that online relationship interventions proved effective in building healthier marriages. Interestingly, the study also revealed that the couples reported improvement in partner gratitude after the interventions, even though the interventions did not specifically address the issue of gratitude. It reinforced what many already know: in healthy marriages both spouses express gratitude to one another and both spouses feel appreciated by one another.

With that in mind, if you want to nurture a strong and healthy marriage, practice gratitude. Make an intentional effort to watch for opportunities to express gratitude to your spouse and for your spouse. You can express your gratitude for things they do, things they say, or for aspects of their character you enjoy (“Thank you for being so fun loving and laughing with me”). In fact, make it a point to express gratitude to your spouse and for your spouse every day.

Express your gratitude sincerely, voluntarily, not under compulsion. Gratitude expressed because “I have to” becomes insincere and ineffective. It becomes meaningless. So don’t slip into taking your spouse for granted. They do not “have to” do anything for you. Everything they do is an expression of love, a commitment to your life together. Recognize that and let your gratitude flow from a heart of thanksgiving.

Finally, be aware of your spouse’s expressions of gratitude for you and the things you do. That gratitude may come to you verbally or through actions, so keep your eyes and ears open. Don’t get caught up in a feeling of entitlement and miss your spouse’s expression of gratitude. Be open to hearing their gratitude. Accept their expressions of gratitude.

Expressing gratitude and receiving gratitude is like the secret sauce flowing over your marriage with added flavor and joy. Like all sauces, gratitude is best if you pour it on because the more the better.

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The Amazing Parent/Child Gratitude Cycle

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Gratitude offers tremendous benefits for those who practice it. When a person practices gratitude they experience increased happiness and life satisfaction, decreased anxiety and depression, a strengthened immune system, better sleep, and more. There is another benefit, however, that we rarely discuss. Specifically, when a person practices gratitude, the benefits overflow to those around them.

For families, this means that when a parent practices gratitude, the benefits overflow to their children. Consider the process of this overflow with me. When a parent practices gratitude, they experience a greater sense of well-being—fewer negative emotions, more empathic emotions, greater life satisfaction, a greater sense of connection, and even a greater sense of meaning in life. With those personal benefits, a parent “feels better” about themselves and their life. Feeling good about themselves, they become more open—more approachable and attentive. Not surprisingly, their children respond to their approachability and attentiveness with more positive behaviors and fewer challenging behaviors. Parent/child conflicts decrease as a grateful parent and child enjoy one another’s company. The increased positivity in the relationship opens the emotional and mental space to develop a greater sense of closeness between parent and child. Isn’t that wonderful? But it won’t stop there. All of this combines to increase a parent’s satisfaction with their role as a parent. Grateful to experience personal satisfaction in their role as a parent and to experience a rewarding closeness with their child, a parent becomes more open—more approachable and attentive…and so, the cycle continues.

There are a couple of things that make this cycle of gratitude especially appealing to me. One, I love the idea of growing closer with my children. Who wouldn’t? Second, it’s not hard to do. And it doesn’t take that much time. Just pay attention and invest the one second it takes to say, “Thank you” every chance you get. If you do it 120 times a day, it still only takes 2 minutes! But the rewards are amazing—it really offers the best bang for your buck. So, look around. Watch for opportunities to show gratitude to those around you. Then take a breath and let it out. “Thank you…” for doing the dishes, washing the clothes, putting gas in the car, passing the salt, helping to clear the table. The opportunities are endless, the benefits amazing…and it starts with you.

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The Word With the Power to Save Your Marriage

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What if I told you that I know a word that possesses the power to save your marriage? Of course, all words have power, but this word is especially powerful. You might even say it has been endowed with the superpower to strengthen relationships.  In fact, this one word is particularly powerful for overcoming repetitive arguments. It breaks through negative communication patterns that threaten our marriages, like the demand-and-withdraw pattern.  This word, spoken often and sincerely, communicates commitment to your marriage, nurtures a sense of value in your spouse, and protects your marriage from divorce. All in all, couples who speak this one word on a consistent basis rate their marriage as having a higher quality of intimacy and security. Yes, this is one powerful word.

You may be wondering; “what word could hold such power in a single syllable?” Well, here it is: “Thanks.” And it’s just as powerful with two syllables, “Thank you:” or three, “Thanks a lot:” or even four, “Thank you very much.” However, you choose to say it, say it often. It is powerful…and might just save your marriage and your family.

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Combatting Loneliness & Negativity in Your Family

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Loneliness impacts our mental and physical health. In fact, it has a similar impact on physical health as smoking 10 cigarettes a day. It can also contribute to depression and anxiety. Knowing this, I want to teach my family how to combat loneliness. Don’t you?

Researchers from the University of Nebraska offer a helpful suggestion in the results of a study they conducted over the span of one year. The 565 participants completed surveys assessing their level of loneliness, social connection, and interpersonal emotional regulation (how a person utilizes their social connections to maintain or improve their emotional state). Participants also completed exercises in which they had to make “snap judgments” about whether ambiguous faces, scenes, and words were positive or negative. These “snap judgments” help determine a person’s emotional outlook, whether it be positive or negative.

Not surprisingly, participants who reported greater loneliness also interpreted the ambiguous faces, scenes, and words more negatively. Loneliness was correlated with negativity…unless one condition existed. Those participants who regularly shared positive (but not negative) experiences with family and friends did not make negative interpretations! In fact, loneliness was not correlated with negativity in those who regularly shared positive experiences with others.

This got me thinking. Could families use this information to buffer the negative impact of loneliness in their families? I believe so… and here are four ways to begin.

  • Each evening, spend 10-15 minutes with your spouse, your children, or your parents sharing positive experiences from your day.
  • Make it a daily routine for each family member to recall at least one positive experience from their day during family dinner.
  • As you prepare for bed, talk with your family and share 3 things that you experienced during the day for which you are grateful.
  • Share something of beauty you experienced during the day. It could be something you saw (a sunrise or a colorful bird) or something you heard (a song or a saying), something natural or something manmade. It may also be an especially meaningful connection you experienced. Share that “thing of beauty” with a family member sometime during the day.

Building these moments of sharing into your daily routine provides the opportunity to share positive emotional experiences with one another. Not only will this enhance your family relationships, but it will also teach each person how to share these positive experiences with others. It will allow them to practice the skills necessary to do so with friends as well as family. This may even enhance friendships and help create new friendships. Of course, this practice will decrease negativity and buffer the negative impact of loneliness for your family as well. For me, that is a thing of beauty that I’d like to share with my family.

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Feeling Stressed? Try Gratitude

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Many people minimize the power of gratitude. “Just be thankful.” Sounds too simplistic, right? Besides, encouraging an “attitude of gratitude” has become a platitude, just another cliché to say when things are tough. Still, gratitude is powerful. It’s not a cure-all, but it can help. In fact, gratitude may be what you need to reduce the stress in your marriage and family.

A study carried out at the Irish University of Maynooth suggests that gratitude will help you and your family react with less stress AND recover more quickly from stress. Specifically, gratitude predicted lower systolic blood pressure in response to a stress arousing experience in this study. A lower systolic blood pressure contributes to a lower risk of stroke or heart attack. In other words, if you want a family that manages stress more effectively and recovers more quickly from stressful events, make gratitude a daily practice in your family. If you’re not sure how to make gratitude a daily practice, here are three ideas to get you started.

  • Start a gratitude photo album on your phone.  Every day, take a picture of something for which you are grateful. In fact, take two or three photos a day of things for which you are grateful. Store them on your phone in an album entitled “Grateful.” When you’re feeling blue or stressed, flip through the photos. While you’re at it, randomly share a photo of gratitude with your family.  Share your gratitude pics anytime you feel the urge. They will be your “random expressions of gratitude.”
  • Engage in intentional expressions of gratitude as well. Intentionally watch for opportunities to express gratitude to your spouse, your children, and your parents. Obviously, you can thank them for the extraordinary things they do. However, make it a point to thank them for the mundane as well—like doing the laundry, cleaning their room, playing quietly, watching a movie with you, doing their chores. Don’t stop with your family. Thank the clerk at the checkout counter, your postal worker, the guy who holds the door for you, your waiter…. You get the idea. Offer thanks every chance you get. Not only will you enjoy the benefits of gratitude, you’ll be modeling a lifestyle of gratitude for your children as well.
  • End the day with gratitude. Each evening take time to review your day and write down three things for which you are grateful. Push yourself to think of something different every day. It will be easy at first, but you’ll soon find yourself thinking more deeply to identify things for which you are grateful. You’ll begin to see a whole new world of gratitude open up as you dig deep to find those things for which you can give thanks.

As you and your family develop the practice of giving thanks, you’ll discover that family stress decreases. You’ll also learn that when stress does arise, you manage it better and recover more quickly. And that is something to be thankful for.

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The Power of a Simple Thank You

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When encouraging married couples to express gratitude to one another, one or both of them often asks, “Why should I thank my spouse for something they should do anyway?” For one thing, because every thank you is a deposit in the Family Bank of Honor…and every deposit strengthens your marriage. For a second reason, read Why Thank Your Spouse for Doing Chores. And now, a 15-month study from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign offers another compelling reason to express gratitude to your spouse. This study examined the impact of expressing gratitude and perceiving gratitude on a couple’s relationship. The couples were observed over a 15-month period and completed surveyed three times: once at the beginning of the 15 months, once at 8 months, and once at the end of the 15 months. Each survey gathered information about the couple’s level of arguing, conflict resolution, expressions of gratitude, perceived gratitude, and financial strain. Based on the surveys, the researchers shared several interesting findings.

  • Individuals with higher levels of expressed and perceived gratitude were more satisfied with their relationship.
  • Individuals with higher levels of expressed and perceived gratitude were also more confident in the future of their relationship.
  • They also reported fewer discussions or even thoughts about breaking up.
  • Higher levels of perceived gratitude buffered the individual and couple against the stress of financial strain and ineffective arguing. In other words, perceiving that your partner appreciates you (perceived gratitude) contributed to feeling less stressed about financial strain or ineffective arguing.  (Expressed gratitude did not have this effect.)

In other words, if you want to maintain a high level of satisfaction in your marriage, express gratitude to your spouse AND recognize when they express gratitude to you. In fact, make the expression of gratitude a hallmark of your relationship, a daily practice of identifying opportunities to express gratitude and then doing so. Not only will this increase your marital satisfaction, it will also help you manage the stress of finances and disagreements more effectively. To put it simply…. “Why should I thank my spouse for something they should be doing anyway?” Because it makes for a happier, healthier, and more intimate marriage.

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Will You Commit to Gratitude

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It’s Thanksgiving. We’re nearing the end of “30 days of gratitude.” Most of us will enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving turkey as we sit around our tables and declare what has made us thankful this year. It’s easy to be gratitude for a day or a month, but what about the rest of the year. After all, we will experience difficult days in which we just don’t feel grateful. We will have days in which we struggle to even muster words of gratitude, let alone feel it. The world will press in and stress will overwhelm. The moments in which we don’t feel gratitude may even grow exponentially at times.

Fortunately, gratitude is not just a feeling. Gratitude is a choice, a hard choice but a choice, nonetheless. And this year I am choosing to make gratitude a practice. This year, I am going to choose to exercise my muscles of gratitude even when the feelings of gratitude are not present. 

I will choose gratitude when tempted to complain. Complaining focuses on what we don’t like and brings greater frustration. In choosing gratitude I will recognize what I don’t like while still giving thanks for the inherent blessings of the situation as well. Rather than complain in traffic, I will focus on the blessing of having a car…the employment to afford a car…the manufacturers who made the car…the air conditioning and heater that keep me comfortable in the car…the opportunity to visit with the passenger in the car…. I will choose gratitude and gain greater peace.  Rather than complain about the burnt toast, I will give thanks for the wealth to purchase bread…and the toaster to toast it…and the electricity that powers the toaster.

I will choose gratitude rather than pessimistically think the worst of mankind. I will recognize the complexity of people, their mix of positive and negative qualities. I will give thanks for the unbelievable strengths of people while recognizing their blind spots. I will give thanks for acts of exquisite beauty and grace while recognizing the ugliness of a fallen world. Through gratitude I will invest in the value of the people around me and perhaps nurture their better self.

I will choose gratitude to combat discontentment and counter envy. I will allow gratitude to open my eyes to the abundance I have received and the abundance around me. With gratitude for the abundance I enjoy, I will rejoice and be thankful for the gifts another receives. In a spirit of gratitude, I will find contentment in my life. 

I will choose gratitude in an effort to rise above the worries and momentary anxieties of this life. I will express gratitude for the support, love, and resources available to accomplish whatever task is arousing worry and anxiety.

I will choose gratitude even in the face of anger. Doing so will keep me aware of the many gifts the one who has aroused my anger has given in the past. In giving thanks for the blessing received from them in the past, I will not let their current “mistakes” take on apocalyptic proportions. 

I will choose gratitude to protect my relationships from the tyranny of callousness, ingratitude, and entitlement that leads to resentment and bitterness.

I will choose gratitude to elevate life and encourage love.

It may prove the more difficult road to travel. It may require practice. But I will choose gratitude because it will bring the greatest joy, the greatest growth, and the greatest opportunity for healthy relationships.

I will choose gratitude. Will you?

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The Threads that Bind Us Together

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I really like this quote from Simone Signoret, a French actress: “Chains do not hold marriages together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.”

This quote expresses a great truth. First, “chains do not hold marriages together.” Marriages are not supported and given life through demands and obligations. And yes, there are many demands and obligations that enchain our marriages.

  • Our identity as a couple enchains us. As our relationship grows (even before we are married) our friends begin to think of us as a “couple.” When one is absent from the “couple,” our friends ask about the “missing piece.” Our identity as a “couple” binds us together. To separate means breaking the chains of our identity as a couple.
  • Shared possessions. Buying a house together. Renting under both our names. Getting a pet together. Purchasing a car in both our names. These shared possessions and others like them become chains that bind us together. They make separating more costly as well as more complex and difficult.
  • Having a child together binds us to one another. When a couple has a child, they share the responsibility, the joys, and the struggles of raising a new life. They both feel love for their child. And the love each of them feels for their child makes separating much more complex and difficult.

As you can see, these chains are not necessarily negative. An identity as a couple, owning possessions together, and having a child are wonderful, joyous experiences. But they also make ending the relationship more costly, more complex, and more difficult. In that sense, they bind us together. They represent the “chains” that hold our marriages together.

But chains, in and of themselves, are not enough to create a healthy, lifelong marriage. In fact, these “chains” can either nurture a stronger marriage or further weaken a struggling marriage. We need something more. We need “threads, hundreds of tiny threads,” to sew us together into a healthy, lifelong marriage. What are those threads?

  • Admiration and adoration. Healthy marriages grow stronger when each person voices their admiration and adoration of the other on a daily basis. Healthy couples express their admiration through words of encouragement, compliments, praises, and more. Each time you recognize and comment on your wife’s beauty, your husband’s work ethic, your wife’s unending work, or your spouse’s contribution to the house becomes a thread sewing us more tightly together. Each compliment and praise, each recognition of a task completed, and each vocalization of admiration for your spouse’s character or appearance will become a thread that sew us together into a healthy, lifelong marriage. (Here’s a math equation you love to help you do this on a daily basis.)
  • Gratitude. Every expression of gratitude becomes another thread sewing a marriage together for a lifetime. Daily expressions of gratitude for cooking, cleaning, working, mowing lawns, picking up groceries, passing the salt, taking out the garbage…the list goes on… become tiny threads sewing us together into a healthy marriage.
  • Acts of service become threads sewing us together. Service does not have to be extravagant. Simply pouring your spouse a drink, running the bathwater, completing a chore to make their day easier, warming up the car…they all become the tiny threads of a strong intimacy.
  • Responding. Each time our spouse speaks offers us an opportunity to sew another tiny thread in place to strengthen our marital bond. Simply responding in awareness and love, being responsive, sews our marriages together. To sew the thread of responsiveness demands sewing another thread, the thread of listening.
  • Physical affection. I’m not talking about sexual affection, just simple nonsexual physical affection. Holding hands, walking arm in arm, a loving hug goodnight, a gentle caress of the back, a little kiss goodbye for the day…they all become tiny threads holding our marriages together.
  • Apologies. Every couple will experience disagreements and misunderstandings. Every person will do something they wish they hadn’t done in their marriage. Mistakes will be made. However, the thread of apology will repair the breach created by that misunderstanding or mistake. The thread of apology will strengthen your marriage.

As you can see, the tiny threads that sew us together in a healthy marriage are the daily actions of love. They are often small but, taking together, they sew together a bond that will last a lifetime.

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