Tag Archive for appreciation

Are You a Straight “A” Family?

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Do you want to have a family filled with celebration and joyful intimacy? Start by becoming a straight “A” family. I’m not talking about grades. I’m talking about attitude. A truly happy

high school graduates tossing up hats over blue sky.

and healthy family exhibits four “A’s” in their attitude: Acceptance, Admiration, Appreciation, and Accountability. Don’t jump to any conclusions about your standing in these four “A’s.”  Instead, take a moment to review the brief questions below to think about each of “A” and your family standing in relation to each one. You might find your family strong in each area. You might also find various areas where you would like to grow (I know I did).

Acceptance:

  • Do you accept each other’s different taste in music, food, clothing, TV shows, etc.?
  • Do you take the time to learn about your spouse’s/children’s/parents’ interests, even if they are different than your own?
  • Do you allow your five-year-old to leave home after dressing themselves in non-matching clothes or do you have to re-dress them? How about allowing your teen to get the haircut or hair color they desire?
  • How do you let your spouse/children know you love them when you are angry or disappointed with their behavior or decision?
  • Do you avoid comparisons?

Admiration:

  • Name three things you admire about each of your parents.
  • Name three things you admire about your spouse.
  • Name three things you admire about each of your siblings.
  • What attribute have you most recently admired in your spouse/children/parent?
  • When did you last tell your spouse/children one thing you admire about them—today, yesterday, last week, last month? If it was last week or longer, better do it again.

Appreciation:

  • How often do you say “thank you” when you ask your spouse or children to do something?
  • How do you mark the milestones and achievements of your spouse and children?
  • How do you acknowledge the strengths of your spouse/children?
  • Write down three different ways you can communicate appreciation to each family member?

Accountability:

  • How did you teach your children to do their currently assigned chores?
  • Do you practice the behaviors and values you want your family to emulate in areas of anger management, accepting responsibility for mistakes, apologizing, forgiving, politeness, etc.?
  • Name two consequences you have used in the last month with your children. How did these consequences specifically teach the values you want to pass on to your family?

I see some areas of personal need as I write these questions. Although I’m not too upset (after all, family is a place of constant growth), I better get to work in order to improve. That will set a good example of accountability for my family as well. I also see areas in which I believe I do fairly well. How about you?

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10 Habits for a Happy Family

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I remember singing this chorus as a kid:

“If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands (clap, clap).

 

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands (clap, clap).

 

If you’re happy and you know it then your face will surely show it.

 

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands (clap, clap).”

African American Family Parents and ChildrenMy friends and I had a great time clapping, stomping, and spinning into happiness while singing this song. As I’ve grown older, though, it takes a little more to make me happy. Even more important, I want my whole family to experience happiness now, not just me. To my surprise, my clapping, stomping, and singing does not necessarily increase my family’s happiness (go figure). Fortunately, happiness is something we can nurture, something we can increase by establishing a variety of daily habits. Research has identified 10 habits that contribute to happiness. If we teach these habits to our children and practice them ourselves, we can nurture happiness in our family. Let me list the 10 happiness habits for you (and you can read more about them on Psyblog. Notice that the first letter of each habit spells out GREAT DREAM.

  • Giving: doing things for others.
  • Relating: connecting with other people.
  • Exercising: taking care of our bodies.
  • Appreciating: noticing the people and the world around us.
  • Trying out: learning new things.
  • Direction: having goals we can look forward to.
  • Resilience: finding ways to bounce back.
  • Emotions: taking a positive approach to life.
  • Acceptance: being comfortable with who we are.
  • Meaning: being a part of something bigger.

These habits help increase happiness for individuals…and for our families. Not surprisingly, people are better at some of these habits than others. A recent survey of 5,000 people (you can take the survey for yourself at Do Something Different) revealed that acceptance, although the habit most strongly linked to life satisfaction, is the habit practiced least often. Almost half of the 5,000 people surveyed rated themselves as 5 or less on a scale of 1-10 in the area of acceptance. In other words, a full 46% rated themselves below the halfway point in terms of self-acceptance. Acceptance is a happiness habit which every family can likely improve. How can you increase acceptance in your family? I’m glad you asked. (Well, technically I raised the question…but I hope you’re at least a tad bit curious.)

  1. Model acceptance of yourself. Accept yourself shortcomings and all. Be kind to yourself. Make sure your language and actions reveal that you see your mistakes as opportunities to learn. Recognize what you do well and be willing to humbly verbalize your strengths.
  2. Model acceptance of others in your family. Show kindness to your spouse and children. Let your language and your response to them reveal that you believe their mistakes are opportunities to learn as well. Trust them to do significant tasks in the home, even as they are learning how to do them well.
  3. Recognize their strengths. Verbally acknowledging their skills.
  4. Enjoy your spouse’s and children’s strengths and interests. Even if their interests do not initially “turn you on,” learn about them. Listen to them talk about their interest. Read up on their interests. Help create opportunities for them to learn and grow in their areas of strength. Support them in pursuing their interests.
  5. Spend time with your family, both times of quietness and times of activity. Times of activity allow you to have fun together, to accomplish goals together, and to work together. This builds acceptance. Times of peace and quiet allow us to grow comfortable with one another’s silence, to accept one another even when we are not pursuing the same goals.

I’m sure there are other ways to nurture acceptance in our families. Share with us ways in which you promote acceptance within your family? Also, stay tuned over the next several blogs as we continue to explore practical ways to promote the other keys of happiness in our families.

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The Top 6 Reasons for Men to Help Around the House

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A recent study conducted by Alyssa Croft, a PhD Candidate in the University of British Columbia, suggests that “girls grow up with broader career goals in households where domestic duties are shared more equitably by parents” (Read review of study here). In other words, girls who watch their father do dishes, laundry, and other household chores Man ironing a pair of jeansbelieve they can pursue a broader range of vocational options, not just “feminine oriented jobs.” The broader range of options includes vocations that range from nurse to doctor, teacher to accountant, librarian to scientist, secretary to lawyer. Girls who witnessed their father engage in household chores were also more likely to envision themselves as having future careers in leadership or management positions.

 

Interestingly, mothers and fathers had a different impact on their daughter’s future in this study of 326 children between the ages of seven and thirteen years. A mother’s belief about gender and work equality predicted the daughter’s attitude toward gender. But, a father’s actual involvement in household chores seemed to be the key to open the gate for daughters to pursue more career roles involving leadership, management, or professional positions. It seems actions speak louder than words in the case of fathers and careers!

 

I don’t know about you, but I’d like my daughters to experience the freedom to pursue any career they choose, whether it be a stay-at-home mom, nurse, doctor, teacher, or business owner. If my sharing household chores can help broaden their perceived career options, then I guess I can wash some dishes and help with the laundry. However, I believe there are other, even more, significant reasons for a husband and father to help with household chores. Let me share six.

  1. We already learned that it might help to broaden our daughter’s perceived career options. But, there…I said it again.
  2. A father who helps with household chores is modeling a humble attitude of service. I hear men speak of themselves as leaders in the home. Well, take that role of leadership seriously by leading in the art of service. Show your family that leaders serve.
  3. When a father helps with household chores, he shows the importance of working together. It takes a whole family to keep a household running smoothly. Dusting, cooking ironing, cleaning, laundry, yard work, setting and clearing the table…the list goes on…and it is too much for one person! When a husband models a willingness to join the team and actively participate in the day to day household duties, children are more likely to work for the “team” (AKA-family) as well.
  4. Helping with household chores is an expression of love and appreciations. When a husband washes dinner dishes, he is, in a very practical way, expressing love and appreciation for his wife cooking the dinner. Expressing love and appreciation will grow a more intimate marital relationship and close-knit family. So, show how much you love and appreciation your wife by cleaning the bathroom.
  5. As Kevin Leman said, “sex begins in the kitchen.” Women find men who do household chores somewhat sexy. They are drawn to men who can humbly serve in doing household chores. If you think I’m making this up, check out this short 1-min-51-sec video…unbelievable. Need I say more?
  6. The number one reason for/ husbands and fathers to help with household chores… because dishes get dirty, furniture gets dusty, and laundry needs folded. We like to get things done. If it needs done, “man up” and do it.
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The Secret to a More Passionate Marriage

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I recently read a blog on Greater Good (All You Need is Love, Oxytocin, and Gratitude) that revealed an interesting secret for building a stronger, more passionate marriage. I will give you the secret if you promise to try it out for several weeks. It works…even though it is not that hard! Here’s the secret. You’re going to love it! In order to have a more African American Couple Laughing On The Floorintimate, passionate marriage, express gratitude for your spouse. Wait a second. Don’t quit yet. When I say gratitude I do not mean a simple thank you. Gratitude is more than appreciating what your spouse does. Gratitude is appreciating who your spouse is…not just appreciating that they brought you home a gift or emptied the dishwasher but appreciating that they are thoughtful enough to know that such a simple act would mean something to you. When we express that kind of gratitude (thus the secret) to our spouse, our marriage will grow more passionate. Research shows that sharing this type of gratitude increases joy and enthusiasm for both partners as well as the overall quality of the relationship. Couples that express and receive this type of gratitude from one another are also more peaceful, confident, and amused. Both partners perceive the other as more understanding, validating, caring, and responsive. These “feel good results” arise because of the oxytocin released into each person’s system in response to this type of gratitude. Interestingly, sharing a personal positive event with your spouse does not produce all these great results. Instead, sharing a personal positive event simply increases joy and enthusiasm. It seems that focusing on the other person with an attitude of gratitude has a special effect…an effect that goes beyond merely telling my spouse about the good events of my life. So, go ahead and talk about the fun events you experienced while apart from your spouse for the day. Share the positive experiences you enjoyed as an individual. That will increase joy and enthusiasm in you and your relationship. But, if you want a really intimate and passionate marriage, get beyond your own experiences and start to express how much you appreciate your spouse’s actions and, even more important, the person behind those actions.

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Dear Children, The Real Reason I Make You Do Chores

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Children, sometimes I ask you to help around the house or in the yard. Sometimes I may even expect you to do quite a bit. So, I feel as though I need to tell you the real reason I expect you to do chores. Contrary to what you might think, it is not so I can enjoy the fruits of child labor or sit in my chair watching the game while you do all the work. No, my main reason for making you do chores is much more personal. One reason I make you do chores is revealed in a study completed in 2003 by M. Rossman at the University of Minnesota. This study suggested that the best predictor of a person’s success in their mid-Mother And Son Doing Laundrytwenties is participating in household chores starting around three or four years of age. Success in this study included not using drugs, completing their education, starting their career, and having high quality relationships. I want you to have those things…and if chores will help, I want you to do chores. But, that is not my main reason.

 

There are other reasons I make you do chores. Chores teach us to wait for and work for good things rather than jump at the first thing that comes along. Learning to help with household chores teaches many life skills as well…skills like dusting, vacuuming, cleaning, keeping a neat home, how to do laundry, hot wo maintain a year.  Knowing how to do these tasks will make you more independent and reliable. As much as I hate to see you grow up and leave home, I want you to have all these skills before you go. But, this is still not my main reason for making you do chores.

 

You have to admit, after we finish mowing, weeding, and trimming the yard (or picking up, dusting, and vacuuming the living room) it is nice to sit back and look at our work. Chores give us that opportunity…the opportunity to feel good about work we complete and completed well. I want you to have that experience and take it with you wherever you go. That sense of competence and achievement will help you develop a strong work ethic and lead to greater success at work and in relationships. As important as this is, it is still not my main reason for making you do chores.

 

My main reason for making you do chores is much more personal. I make you do chores because…I love you. You are part of our family. As a family, we work as a team to keep our household running smoothly. In all reality, I cannot do it alone. I need you. I want you to know you are a valued member of our family. We need your strength, your insight, and your participation. We need you. Your contribution to our family is irreplaceable. And, I enjoy working with you. I enjoy our time together, talking as we work—sharing the burden, laughing as we struggle through an obstacle. Having you work by my side makes everything go by quicker and seam easier. So thank you. Thank you for helping with the household chores. When you start your own family, I hope you will look back on our projects with joy and give your children the same opportunities to groan and complain while you love them, nurture them, and cherish your time doing chores with them.

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Begin Operation M.O.R.E. in Your Family

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Grandfather with granddaughter on sunset at seaI have begun a covert operation in my home and with my family. I have named it Operation M.O.R.E. for More Oxytocin Release Events (MORE). I have left the operation covert at the time so I can assess the impact of my actions. After the initial evaluation, I plan on taking this operation public and including the whole family in Operation MORE. The purpose of Operation MORE is to increase the number of events that will release oxytocin in various family members. Why have I chosen to do this? Research suggests that:

  • Oxytocin promotes attachment and bonding. It helps create M.O.R.E. intimacy in relationships.
  • Oxytocin helps to reduce feelings of stress. We live in a stressful world. If oxytocin release can help relieve stress, we might as well have M.O.R.E.
  • Oxytocin seems to intensify men’s fond memories of their mother and decrease negative memories. Perhaps more oxytocin in general will help produce M.O.R.E. fond memories of family in general.
  • Oxytocin can intensify the bond between sexual partners. Even more, it promotes faithfulness between spouses. Men who had received a nasal spray of oxytocin were less responsive to women other than their wife…they became M.O.R.E. singly focused on their wife.
  • Oxytocin inhibits tolerance to addictive drugs and reduces withdrawal symptoms. In other words, a steady release of oxytocin will decrease the likelihood of drug abuse.
  • Oxytocin seems to improve a person’s ability to interact M.O.R.E. with others (study done with children who had autism).
  • Oxytocin triggers “defensive aggression” against outside threats. In other words, it helps promote our instinct to become M.O.R.E. protective of those we love.
  • Oxytocin counters the effect of stress hormones (cortisol) and, as a result, will promote “M.O.R.E. better” sleep.
  • Oxytocin fosters generosity. In one study, those who received a nasal spray of oxytocin were 80% M.O.R.E. generous than those receiving a placebo.

 

That is enough reason to increase the oxytocin flow in the family and begin Operation MORE. Here is the plan of action, the ways to complete this covert operation and produce MORE oxytocin:

  • kids hugHug family members for at least 10 seconds. Do it at least once a day, maybe even M.O.R.E.
  • When the opportunity arises, hold a family members hand with one hand over the other, make eye contact with them, and give them a compliment.
  • Watch an “emotionally compelling movie” (AKA—a chick flick). I know it is a sacrifice to watch chick flicks with the family, but research suggests a 47% surge in oxytocin (that’s 47% M.O.R.E.) while watching an “emotionally compelling movie.” Sometimes we have to make sacrifices in our covert operation to enhance family intimacy.
  • Sing. That’s right. Singing helps release M.O.R.E. oxytocin. Encourage your family to sing.
  • Dance. One study found oxytocin increased by 11% after dancing (dance M.O.R.E.).
  • Do something exciting or thrilling. Have an adventure–anything from a roller coaster ride to watching a scary movie. Enjoy a thrill together.
  • Laugh together.
  • Go for a walk. To make this even more powerful, hold hands while going for a walk and have an open, transparent conversation while you do.

 

So far, Operation MORE has proven successful in my home. I have noticed M.O.R.E. laughter, M.O.R.E. intimacy, and M.O.R.E. joy in our interactions. In fact, the success has proven so dramatic that I have chosen to take Operation More public in my home. Perhaps you can join us by starting Operation MORE in your home as well.

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Parents, Are You a Slingshot or an Anchor?

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Michael Byron, Smith, retired Air Force officer, wrote an excellent blog for the National Fatherhood Institute (click here to read it). In this blog, he wrote: “Families should be slingshots, throwing children into the world prepared for what lies ahead. Unfortunately, the problems of dysfunctional families are like anchors, dragging down their children’s potential….” So, I have to ask: Have you created a family environment that will serve as a slingshot for your children or an anchor? 

Anchor families:

  • Punishment concept.Place unrealistic expectations on their children.
  • Make demeaning, degrading, and discouraging remarks about their children or their children’s activities.
  • Imply greater acceptance of their children only after they have performed to a certain level (good grades, starting team, practiced their instrument, etc.).
  • Punish or demean children for times they experience failure.
  • Offer rude criticisms about their child’s character or performance.
  • Engage in name-calling.
  • Disregard their children’s feelings…or even punishing their children for “negative” feelings like anger, frustration, sorrow, or tearfulness.
  • Tell or imply they know more about what their children feel, think, or like than their children do themselves.

 

These behaviors act as anchors around your children’s neck. They weigh your children down, drowning them under the waves of guilt and shame.

 

Slingshot families, on the other hand:

  • grandfather and granddaughter with computer at homeLearn about the development of children, their children’s development in particular, so they can maintain realistic expectations.
  • Encourage their children.
  • Make sure their children know they are loved even when they fall short of perfection or have a particularly bad day.
  • Teach their children that failure is an opportunity to learn. They encourage determination and healthy persistence.
  • Offer their children constructive criticism in a loving manner.
  • Use “negative” feelings like anger, frustration, sorrow, or tearfulness as opportunities to grow more intimate with their children.
  • Remain curious about their children’s feelings, thoughts, and interests…using them as touch-points from which to deepen intimacy.

 

These behaviors serve as slingshots for your children. They help your children develop the skills necessary to navigate the world with courage, confidence, and poise.

 

So, I ask again. Which one are you—an anchor family or a slingshot family?

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Welcome to the Family Games

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We love to watch competitions—to see our favorite athlete in the Super Bowl, the Olympics, Lively family playing tug of warthe World Series, the World Cup, or any number of various competitions. Many of us also love to compete. Competition hones our skills and motivates us to improve. Why not use that competitive spirit for good in your home?  Let the power of competition motivate your family to reach new heights of intimacy, fun, and camaraderie. Maybe some of these family competitions will help your family hone skills that will strengthen your family.

  • The Race of Apologize. We all do things from time to time that hurt members of our family. But, you can be the first to apologize for the hurt you cause. Cross the finish line to apologize first and win the joy of restored relationships. Take a victory lap and enjoy the newfound freedom of knowing you took the monkey of guilt off your back and opened the door to deeper intimacy when you apologized for the hurt your cause.
  • Score a Compliment. I can hear the announcer now… “He takes a step toward the table and looks at the food. He smiles. He shoots…a compliment;” or, “Wow that compliment was the perfect shot;” or, “He sees his wife’s look of confusion. She doesn’t understand his compliment. Look at that—he recovers and compliments again.” Imagine a simple comment like “Supper really smells good” followed by the announcer—“What a shot, straight to the net. His kids nod in agreement. His wife’s eyes sparkle and her smile grows. And, he scores!” That’s how to score a compliment. Keep track one day to see who offers the most or greatest number of sincere complements over the course of day…shoot and score!
  • The Kindness Swish. Acts of kindness will surely score you points in the family games. Most acts of kindness are shot from the 3-point line: hold the door—3 pointer, give a backrub—3 pointer, give a hug—3 pointer, do the dishes—3 pointer, throw in a load of laundry—3 pointer, bring home some flowers—3 pointer…the list goes on. As you can see, The Kindness Swish is a high scoring game. Points add up quickly and relationships grow exponentially!
  • Politeness Polo. We do not play politeness polo as much as we used to; but, it is a fast-paced family game filled with anticipation and action. In this family game you score big points by “hitting it with politeness.” You know, statements like “Thank you,” “Please,” “Excuse me,” “Sorry,” “My pleasure,” “You’re welcome,” and “Let me help you” become big scoring runs. This is a fast paced game with family members having the potential for scoring as many five to ten times in a matter of minutes.  Imagine the scoring sequence (scoring is capitalized): “Will you take out the garbage, Kids on Victory PodiumPLEASE?” “MY PLEASURE.” “THANK YOU.” “YOU’RE WELCOME.” We have four scores in mere seconds! Imagine the score over the course of a day!
  • Out of the Park. This game is a hard hitting game of grace. Showing grace will “hit it out of the park.” You can show grace by giving your spouse, your kids, or your parents a gift with no expectation of anything in return. To become a really good player of Out of the Park demands sacrifice, but the benefits are worth it! Hit it out of the park by doing someone else’s chore for them, giving up the last cookie, letting someone else sit in your favorite seat, giving up your free time to help another family member with some task, giving up your right for an apology to apologize first, giving up your choice of movie and going to one your wife likes…with no strings attached. You get the idea, give up your desire and fulfill another family member’s desire to “hit it out of the park,” a grand slam over center field!

 

Try these games out. They are easy, fun, and add joyous intimacy to family life. Maybe you have some other family game ideas. Please share them with us…we’d love to play. Now, let the family games begin!

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3 Steps to Sweet Complaining

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Person Annoyed by Others TalkingIt had been a long day. I came home from work exhausted and the moment I walked in the door–BOOM—my spouse bombarded me with questions: “Did you put the concert in your calendar?” “Do you know where that receipt is?” “School’s cancelled tomorrow. Will you be home?” “Kaitlyn got invited to….” My head began to spin and I began to hear the sounds adults make on Charlie Brown…”Blah, blah-blah blah, blah.” I had a little question of my own to answer: How do I escape? I wanted to scream…or turn around and walk back out the door to get a breather…or go into the bathroom and “pretend to be occupied by the call of nature.” I don’t know…I had to do something though!

 

Have you ever run into a situation like that, a situation in which you have a legitimate complaint but you don’t know how to address it? We all have. I watched “Saving Mr. Banks” recently (an excellent movie, by the way) and was reminded of an excellent solution. Mary Poppins gives the solution when she sings “A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down…in the most delightful way.” Complaints, like many medicines, have a bitter taste to the one receiving it. It leaves a bad taste in the mouth, elicits defensiveness, and can make a person feel unappreciated. The residual bad taste, feelings of defensiveness, and a feeling of being unappreciated make it difficult for the person receiving the complaint to hear it or understand it. Instead, they might feel hurt or angry. You can avoid this by offering the complaint in “a spoonful of sugar!” Here is how to do it.

 

First, step back for a moment and think about the other person’s intent. What are they trying to accomplish with the behavior that you want to complain about? What contributes to their action? In my example, my wife is an incredible planner and organizer. Without her planning I would not get near as much done as I do and our family would miss out on so many opportunities. The positive intention of her behavior is making sure our family is on the same page, that I do not miss any important events, and the each person’s needs are met.

 

Second, appreciate and admire that intention. Take a moment to realize the benefit of the other person’s work. Allow it soak in. admire that person for their desire to bring something good and positive into your life. In my example, I can appreciate how smoothly our family functions and how many activities and opportunities we engaged in because of my wife’s planning. I can admire her for her selfless work in making our family life better.

 

African American Couple Laughing On The FloorThird, tell the other person. Tell them how much you admire and appreciate them (step two). Then, convert your complaint into a simple statement of need.  Explain in one statement what your family member can do to help you. A practical example from my situation…”I really appreciate how you keep things organized for our family. In fact, I am amazed at how much we are able to do because of your efforts and how much you accomplish. One of the things I love about you is your ability to organize and how you use that ability to help our family do so many fun things. And, I am glad to answer questions. But, when I come home could we postpone the questions until we greet each other and have 10-15 minutes of down time and small talk?” There it is, a spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down…in the most delightful way.

 

Quit complaining. Offer your legitimate concerns with a spoonful of sugar. A little love and admiration and a practical statement helps a concern “go down…in the most delightful way.”

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Husbands…Set Her Free

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Picture an imaginary scene from the life of Michelangelo. A group of community leaders has commissioned Michelangelo to sculpt a statue for the town square. Michelangelo accepted the David Statue in Florence Tuscanycommission and now wanders through a quarry to choose a block of stone from which to sculpt the commissioned statue. He slowly walks past various stones, peering carefully at each one…first from one side, then the other. The quarry master quietly follows close behind. He knows each block of stone by weight and shape—this oblong one is 25 pounds, this square one just under 50. He wonders what goes through the mind of an artist like Michelangelo. Hesitantly, he asks, “Can I help you find something in particular?” Michelangelo, continuing to stare at one particular stone, replies in a distant voice, “Every block of stone has a statue inside it, and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.” Together, they continue to roam through the quarry. Finally, Michelangelo picks a block of marble. To the quarry master it appears to be an oddly shaped block of fair quality. He gives Michelangelo a deal, thinking about the publicity a statue made by Michelangelo from a stone purchased at his quarry will bring. He even has the marble block transported to the town square, where Michelangelo will complete a sculpture of his choice (the mayor has given him “artistic license”). Michelangelo begins his work. He chips and chisels, carves, sands, and smooths. Hours turn into days and days turn into weeks before Michelangelo steps back to reveal a beautifully sculpted angel. The quarry master, who had stayed nearby to see what Michelangelo would do with the block of marble, stares in unbelief to see the beautiful angel standing where he had placed an oddly shaped block of marble. He looked at the statue and then turned to Michelangelo. “How did you know? How did you make that block of marble into such a beautiful angel?” Michelangelo looked at the quarry master and replied, “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”

 

I don’t know if an event like this ever happened; in fact, I rather doubt it. I do know that Michelangelo is credited with the two quotes noted above… and those quotes have significance when it comes to our wives.  In our marriage, God has called us to see the “angel” in our wife and set her free! You may think I’m crazy, but Solomon, the wisest scholar in the Bible, records a similar truth in his love story, The Song of Songs. He opens his story by introducing us to a woman filled with self-doubt, a woman who sees herself as ugly and unworthy. I imagine her self-deprecating tone as she tells those around her, “Do not stare at me…because I am darkened by the sun. …My own vineyards I had to neglect.” But she has an admirer, a young man who sees the angel in the darkened skin, sun-streaked hair, and calloused hands of this working woman. He turns to her and says, “How beautiful you are my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves.” He even describes her as a “lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.” In response to his admiration, her “angel” newly married couple chasing each other in fieldcomes forth. The young woman begins to accept her own beauty and calls herself a “rose of Sharon, a lily of the valley.” While she saw as a sun-darkened, hard-working calloused body, her admirer saw an “angel.” He recognized the “angel” within her and called her out. In response to his spoken admiration (“how beautiful you are my darling”), she gained confidence. In response to the value he placed on her (“as a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women”), she saw herself as valuable. He had seen the angel within her and set her free! The first step in growing more intimate with your wife is to see the “angel” within her, those attributes that makes her a “lily among thorns” in your eyes.

 

In another book, Solomon tells us that “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband” (Proverbs 12:4) and “her worth is far above jewels” (Proverbs 31:10). “An excellent wife” is a good way to describe the angel in your wife, the virtue and strength of character she possesses. When Solomon speaks of a “crown,” he is not speaking of a king’s crown. A crown is a sign of honor, joy, and gladness. He is saying your wife is your honor, your joy, and your gladness.  Take a moment right now and think about your wife. Consider her excellence as well as the honor and joy she brings into your life. To help you think about these things, consider these questions:

  • What qualities first attracted you to your wife?
  • What are your wife’s strengths?
  • What are your wife’s best character traits?
  • How does your wife bring you honor?
  • What do you admire about your wife?
  • If your wife were to suddenly disappear for some reason, what would be missing in your life? Your home? Your family?
  • How does your wife make your life better?
  • How does your wife bless your family? Benefit your family? Make your family life better?

 

Thank God for your wife, this “excellent woman” who is a “crown” of great worth.

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