Tag Archive for sexual intimacy

Household Labor and…Sexual Satisfaction?

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“I have a headache” has become a somewhat iconic excuse to avoid sexual intimacy…along with “I have to get up early” or “I’m not in the mood.”  I recognize these may be true statements at times and they need to be accepted as such. However, at times, they can also represent a lack of desire for sexual intimacy. In such cases, one needs to ask a question: what could be contributing to a lack of sexual desire in my marriage?  One study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, offers an interesting answer to consider, especially for women with a low sexual desire. So…husbands, listen up.

This study looked at the division of labor in the home and how it might impact a woman’s sexual desire for her husband. Specifically, the study used two online surveys to ask women about three things: 1) their sexual desire for their husband (the study utilized heterosexual couples), 2) the division of household labor and how they felt about that division, and 3) how dependent they felt their spouse was on them. Household labor in this study fell into one of several categories including finances, social planning, cleaning, clothing care, food (shopping, prepping, cooking), outdoor maintenance, house and car maintenance, general decision-making, childcare, initiating discussions, and contacting people.

Interestingly, the results revealed that women who did the lion’s share of the household labor had a decreased sexual desire. However, that decrease in sexual desire did not occur simply because they did more of the work. The decreased sexual desire seemed to arise because of two factors associated with doing the lion’s share of the work:

  1. They felt it unfair that they did the majority of the work. The greater the perceived unfairness, the lower the sexual desire. In healthy marriages, both partners engage in the tasks necessary to maintain a home and family.
  2. They felt their partner was dependent on them. The greater the perceived dependence, the lower the sexual desire. To state this in a different way, women want to be their husband’s wife, not their mother. They want a partner, not a child they have to care for. The more of the household labor a woman does, the more she feels like the caretaker, the mother…not the wife.

Men, if you want a healthy, satisfying life of sexual intimacy in your marriage, do your share of the housework. Women, if you want a healthy, satisfying life of sexual intimacy in your marriage, let your husband do their share of the housework. Men and women, if you want a healthy, satisfying sex life in your marriage, acknowledge what your spouse does to maintain your home and family. If you struggle to divide the household labor equally…

  • Get curious about what you could do around the house. Remember, household chores involve more than mopping floors and washing dishes. It involves finances, social planning, cleaning, food shopping, cooking, childcare, decision-making, yard maintenance, house/car maintenance, and initiating discussions. It’s important that both spouses participate in household labor, not that the labor is divided between “male” and “female” duties. For instance, in our home it would not be surprising to see me (the male) washing dishes while my wife was painting the porch railing. The important factor is that both spouses are actively engaged in maintaining the home and family.
  • Sit down as a couple and discuss who does what and areas where you can both become actively involved. Ask your spouse what they would like you to do to help around the house. Ask them what you can do to “lighten their load” and work together to build the kind of home you both desire. Remember, you are a team of two adults building a home together.
  • Take action. Don’t just talk about what you can do. Do it. Get involved in the maintenance of your home and family life in ways you discussed.
  • Give thanks. Take the time to look for the ways in which your spouse is participating in the household tasks. Verbally acknowledge their effort and their involvement. Thank them for what they have done and continue to do. (If you wonder why you should thank your spouse for doing what they are supposed to do, read Why Thank Your Spouse for Doing Chores.)

Men, I want to add one, maybe two caveats to this. First, serving your wife and family through active involvement in household labor is almost a kind of aphrodisiac. I’m not talking about trading work for sexual intimacy. I’m talking about the way in which actively serving your wife through household labor reveals a love that will promote your wife’s sense of security and one which she will find attractive. So, forget the flowers and wash some dishes to reveal the full depth of your love. Even some products knew to use this idea in their advertisements.

Second, women are especially attracted to those who show kindness and affection to “their” children. Who isn’t? With that in mind, childcare is a crucial household task for men to participate in…and not just for your spouse. After all, they are your children too. You are their parent—their father. Change some diapers. Feed the baby. Take care of the children while your wife takes a break. Become actively involved in your children’s lives. Doing so is a part of the household labor your wife will love to see. And, you will cherish the time you spent with your children.

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Save Your Way to a More Satisfying Sex Life

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Stresses related to money and sex are often listed among the leading causes reported for divorce. Reasons for this go well beyond the simple issue of money and sex. Nonetheless, both money and sex are often reported as one of the reasons couples seek divorce. (See Why Do People Get Divorced? 10 Reasons And Statistics | ReGain and What Is The Number One Cause Of Divorce In The United States: Legal Dissolution Statistics In The U.S. | ReGain.) However, a study using data from 1,447 couples offers an interesting alternative to letting money and sex contribute to divorce. This study explored the connection between “financial management behaviors” –like creating and sticking to a monthly budget or paying off a credit card in full each month—and sexual satisfaction in newly-married couples. 

Not surprisingly, the study reported that consistently practicing smart financial management behaviors was linked to couples reporting less financial stress. That’s good news, but I find financial management tedious and boring. It’s not my “go to” activity for fun and relaxation. I hate sitting down to pay bills, manage savings, figure out budgets. But, in this study, the result of these financial management behaviors and the resulting reduction in financial stress was very exciting. First, decreased financial stress for the wives was associated with reports of a more satisfying sex life for BOTH the husband and the wife. This was not the case for husbands. A husband’s reduction in financial stress did NOT relate to the sexual satisfaction of the wife or husband. However, this study also found that when husbands practiced smart financial management behaviors, they experienced greater satisfaction in their marital sex life.

Let me restate those two findings. One, reduced financial stress for wives led to a more satisfying sex life for husband and wife. Two, practicing smart financial management behaviors increased a husband’s satisfaction in his marital sex life.

So, if you want to have a more satisfying sex life in your marriage, practice smart financial management behaviors. Reduce financial stress for your wife. This will increase the satisfaction of your sexual relationship as a married couple. Now that makes financial management and financial management behaviors a whole lot more exciting, doesn’t it?

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2 Questions for More Satisfying Sexual Intimacy

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Do you want to enjoy a more satisfying sex life in your marriage? Don’t answer that question…it’s a silly question. Every married couple wants a satisfying sex life. So, let me just get to the point. Here are 2 simple questions that, if asked sincerely and openly, will enhance the pleasures of sexual intimacy in your marriage.

First, ask yourself, “If I were my spouse, what would I __(Fill in the Blank)   ?”  Okay you caught me. The first question is really several questions rolled into one prompt: If I were my spouse, what would I want to see? What would I want to hear? What would I want to feel? These questions encourage empathy and perspective taking. They encourage us to consider our spouse’s likes and dislikes. What would lead to greater enjoyment for them?

This group of questions will also help reduce our self-centered desires for personal satisfaction. They strike at our self-centeredness and place our focus on our spouse and our marriage. After all, to paraphrase Paul’s writing to Philippians, we are called to “not only watch out for our own personal interests, but also for the interests of our spouse.”  Ironically, when we concern ourselves with our spouse’s pleasure and satisfaction, we will find our pleasure and satisfaction grow as well.

Second, if you don’t know the answer to the first question, and even if you think you do, ask your spouse. Make sure you know what they want. Don’t assume they want what you want or what you think they “probably want.” In other words, communicate. Talk about what you and your spouse like in regards to sexual intimacy. Discuss ways you can bring greater sexual satisfaction to both of you.

An important aspect of this conversation is to make sure both partners feel comfortable enough to voice any activities with which they are not comfortable or that interfere with their satisfaction and joy of intimacy. So, listen. Accept your spouse’s answers. Allow their answers to influence your actions.  

Two simple questions. One to ask yourself and one to ask your spouse. Two questions to nurture a greater sexual satisfaction to your marriage. Enjoy.

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Good for Both Giver & Receiver

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Life seems stressed these days, doesn’t it? Turn on the news…stress. Try to manage your schedule…stress. Weather…stress. Work demands, school demands, extracurricular demands, church demands, demands, demands, demands…stress. All that stress is bound to impact our marriages and our families. It robs us of mental clarity and patience. As a result, we have a greater chance of conflict with our spouses and our children.

But there is good news. I have discovered a way to reduce stress and improve mental clarity. Not only that, but this activity will increase a sense of closeness and intimacy, especially in your marriage. It’s true. A study showed this activity reduced stress and improved mental clarity after only one time. And, the reduction of stress accrued over the 9 times couples did it during the 3 week study. In other words, stress continued dropping with each time the couple engaged in this activity. What activity did all this? Massage. Yes, massage. In this study, 38 couples took a massage class each week for 3 weeks. Each class focused on massaging one part of the body (back, arms and shoulders, legs). Then, they practiced giving each other a massage three times a week (Yes, they had homework). Both the giver and the receiver of the massage experienced a reduction in stress and an improvement in mental clarity…BOTH the giver and the receiver! I like a massage…and I like the sound of reduced stress and improved mental clarity.

Although not part of the study, I believe this likely improved intimacy as well. Taking the time to massage one another means more time focused on one another—quality time focused on the one we love. Giving a massage means increasing our awareness of the one we are massaging (our partner).  Massage reduces stress and that means greater patience. Greater patience means less conflict. In addition, touch releases oxytocin and oxytocin increases a sense of connection. Massage involves a lot of touch. Your spouse will appreciate your massage and appreciation build deeper connection. So, why not take the time this weekend to give one another a massage. In this world of stress, we all need a little haven of relaxation and intimacy.  Enjoy!

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Nude Doing What?!! No…Way!

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My friend sent me a…well, rather surprising news article from CNN (I spared you this article to avoid pictures of the golfers). How do I describe it? Let me just ask…Did you know the “Wandering Bares” just had a nude golf event in Australia? Well, not completely nude…they did wear shoes to protect their feet and hats to protect their hairline from the sun. If that’s not enough, the 11th Annual “World Naked Bike Ride” was held on June 23 this year (2018). That’s right, 11th annual! I discovered “naturists” promote nude volleyball, tennis, and trail running as well. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to participate in any sport nude…especially in public. There is only one place I want to stand “naked and unafraid.” That is in the presence of my spouse. Only in marriage can we truly stand before one another “naked and unafraid.” Even that proves difficult enough! Maybe I better explain that a little more.

“Naked and unafraid” with our spouse involves an intimacy much deeper than simple physical nudity.  Standing before our spouse “naked and unafraid” is not simply standing physically nude but being present with our spouse in complete emotional vulnerability, mental transparency, and spiritual acceptance. The freedom to stand before each other emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically “naked yet unafraid” flows from mutual acceptance, warts and all. It demands a shared commitment to live our lives as one. How do we develop the sense of acceptance, commitment, and intimacy that will allow us to stand with our spouse emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically “naked and unafraid”? Here are some tips.

  1. Commit to your marriage and your spouse. Assure your spouse that you “only have eyes for” them. Stick with them in the good times and the bad. Share the joys and the sorrows. Also, look to the future you will share together. Do you have infants? Talk about your shared future as parents of teens. Do you have teens? Talk about your future together in the “empty nest.”  Do you have young adult children? Talk about how you will grandparent together. Do you have a dream vacation? Plan to take it in the next five years. You get the idea. Look to the future and plan your future together.
  2. Share your dreams with one another. Even more, support one another’s dreams. Learn about those things that interest your spouse and grow with them in those areas of interest. This also adds to the idea of committing to your spouse “for the long run.” 
  3. Show your spouse unconditional acceptance. Take time to admire the traits you love in your spouse. When you have disagreements, reaffirm your love. When you discuss those little irritations, let your spouse know how much you love them anyway.
  4. Share your ideas with one another. Talk with your spouse about a book you’re reading. Discuss the politics of the day with your spouse. Share an inspiring verse or a lesson learned. Become mentally transparent before your spouse.
  5. Share your fears and your joys with your spouse. Become emotionally vulnerable. Talk to your spouse about the movie that “brought tears to your eyes” (yes guys, I’m even talking about us) and the act of kindness from the random stranger that “touched you.” Express your frustration over the injustices you witness or read about in the news. Don’t forget to share stories of joy and inspiration as well—the gift that made you “so happy,” or the love that changed you. In other words, become emotionally vulnerable before your spouse. After all, you know they offer you unconditional acceptance (see #3).

When we do these things, we will find ourselves standing before our spouses emotionally vulnerable, mentally transparent, spiritually united…and unafraid. We will find ourselves “naked and unafraid.”  I long for that intimacy with my spouse. Don’t you? BUT, you still won’t find me playing golf (or any other sport for that matter) in the nude…and we’re all glad about that!

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Keep That Spark Alive with a Marital Sabbath Rest

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The Journal of Consumer Research published a series of studies drawing participants from Italy and the United States. They discovered that U.S. citizens associated busyness with status. We tend to view people as important when they skip leisure and work all the time, even complaining they “have no life” because of work or desperately “need a vacation” but are too busy to take one (Lack of leisure: Is busyness the new status symbol?). Unfortunately, this mindset is deadly to a healthy marriage and family. In fact, according to a Baylor University study in 2016 the best predictor of happiness within families was spending time together engaged in familiar leisure activities (Pleasant family leisure at home may satisfy families more than fun together elsewhere, study finds). As overwork and busyness have become status symbols, we have become enslaved to the slave driver of our cultural frenzy. But familiar leisure time at home promotes family happiness, not constant running and busyness. This presents a “bit of conundrum,” doesn’t it? Ah, but I have a solution, an ancient solution that we often overlook when considering our marriages. A healthy marriage needs rest, not just any rest but a Marital Sabbath Rest.  A Marital Sabbath Rest will help us experience the rhythm of God in our marriages, a rhythm that invites us to look forward to reigniting our love together, savoring our connection in the moment, and remembering who we are as couples. A Marital Sabbath Rest will restore God’s freedom from the slave drivers that compel us to overwork so we can experience the gift of freedom to worship and rest.  A Marital Sabbath will refocus our perspective on our delight for our spouses. It will allow us the time to “re-create” and revitalize the unity God has given us in marriage. Status will not give a lifetime of joy; a happy marriage will.  We need a Marital Sabbath Rest to restore that knowledge. To incorporate a Martial Sabbath Rest into your marriage:

  1. Set time aside for you and your spouse. Develop a simply ritual to separate your Marital Sabbath Rest from the rest of the week. The ritual can be as simple as lighting a candle or eating a meal together. Just establish the activity as one that signals the change from “regular time” to “Marital Sabbath Rest time.”
  2. Acknowledge, adore, and admire. Begin your Marital Sabbath Rest by acknowledging your spouse. Recognize and thank your spouse for their investment in your marriage and your home. Tell them one or two things you admire about them. Let them know a couple of things you adore about them. This can also serve as part of the ritual separating the Marital Sabbath Rest from the rest of the week.
  3. Enjoy a meal together. During your meal, enjoy conversation. Save conversation you know will lead to heated disagreement for another time and enjoy friendly, fun-filled conversation with one another. Speak to one another as friends and lovers. Recall times of celebrations. Discuss dreams and anticipate future fun. Share your meals.
  4. Play. Stop working to accomplish something and simply enjoy your time together. Don’t worry about time; savor the “eternal moment” of play and love. Forget about productivity and just enjoy God’s gift of your spouse and your marriage.
  5. Rest. Take a walk. Sit on the porch. Listen to some music. Relax. Go to bed a little early and enjoy your spouse. This is a time to relish in your relationship and savor the intimacy that culminates from a day of enjoying one another.

I know enjoying a Marital Sabbath Rest takes a little preparation and effort. However, the dividends are amazing—a greater peace, a growing sense of security, an increasing joy, and a deepening intimacy.

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Savor the Odor…er, I Mean…AROMA

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Did you know smell is one of our strongest memory inducers? It’s true. Think about it. Have you ever had a scent tickle your olfactory and find yourself transported back to high school in an instant? Or caught the whiff of a passing aroma that reminded you of your spouse…or a grandparent? (Not that your spouse smell like your grandparent…I mean, it’s ok if they do…but…oh, it’s just an example….You know what I mean.) Do you remember the smell of your grandparent’s home? (Whew, good save?) Scents hold our memories securely in their aura. They do more than trigger memories. Scents can also lower stress. A recent study from the University of British Columbia found the scent of our “romantic partner” helps lower stress. They randomly assigned women involved in opposite sex relationships to one of three groups. The women in one group wore a T-shirt previously worn by a stranger. Those in the second group wore a T-shirt previously unworn and those in the third group wore a T-shirt previously worn by their husbands.  None of the women knew which group they were in. All the women then went through a stressful mock interview and completed a stressful mental math task. Results?

  • Those who wore a shirt exuding a stranger’s scent were the most stressed and had the highest levels of cortisol (stress hormone).
  • Those who wore the shirt releasing their husband’s scent had the lowest stress level and lowest cortisol levels.
  • If the women recognized their husband’s scent on the shirt, their cortisol levels were even lower, suggesting that the stress-reducing benefits of their husband’s scent was strongest when they recognized his “aromatic essence.”

With this in mind, you can use the power of smell to enhance your marriage. For instance, the scent of your spouse can trigger positive memories when you wear your spouse’s favorite perfume or after shave on a date.

If your spouse is away on a trip, take a whiff of his/her shirt. It may ease the longings and reduce the stress of missing them. (Just hope you don’t find the same disheartening result as Ty Burrell in the Gain commercial.)

When you have a particularly stressful event, take a moment to recall your spouse…and their aroma.  You might just experience a reduction in stress.

Oh the power of a scent!  Enjoy the aromatic aura of your spouse…and enjoy less stress.

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A Provocative Secret for a More Satisfying Sex Life

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I am amazed at society’s obsessive search for a satisfying sex life. Well…I’m not surprised people want a great sex life; but I am surprised about the focus of that search for a great sex life. The main thrust of society’s search for a satisfying sex life remains focused on the physical aspects of sex—the technique, physical prowess, and self-awareness. Sure, these can help, but without a firm foundation to build upon, these superficial answers merely build a house of cards on shifting sand.  In reality, research suggests a satisfying sex life is stimulated by aspects much deeper than physical prowess, techniques, or ability. The most satisfying sex life erupts from an intimate, emotional connection between two people committed to one another. In fact, a study out of George Mason University revealed that the more spouses appreciate each other’s strengths, the more satisfied they were with their relationship overall and their sex life in particular. They were also more committed and invested in their relationship. They experienced greater intimacy. Even more alluring, valuing a spouse’s strengths led the appreciated spouse to experience a greater sense of personal growth. Let me summarize these exciting results in a format that might more readily stimulate your appreciation of their implications. Appreciating your spouse’s strengths:

  1. Leads to a more satisfying relationship overall,
  2. Greater intimacy in general,
  3. A greater commitment to and investment in the relationship,
  4. A spouse who experiences the joy of personal growth, and yes,
  5. A more satisfying sex life!

Hopefully, the provocative findings of this study arouse your latent desire to acknowledge and admire your spouse’s strengths. By doing so, you lay a firm foundation of intimacy and appreciation that will stimulate your sex life to blossom into a satisfying experience.

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Boost Your Memory with this Blissful Activity

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I just had to tell you about this study. It really is a great study and can benefit your marriage a great deal. Researchers at McGill University explored the possible link between engaging in regular sex and memory. They asked 78 young women between 18- and 29-years-old about their sex life and then gave them memory tests involving facial recognition and verbal recall. The results: women who had more frequent sex had significantly better scores on the verbal memory tests.  In other words, regular sex was associated with better memory in verbal areas (not so much for facial recognition). (Read more about this study in Sex on the Brain). A similar study involving men is currently in process and seems to be leaning toward similar results. Regular sex is associated with better memory.

The authors suggest that making love may benefit the participant’s memory in a number of possible ways.

  1. It may boost the level of neurotransmitters in the brain which, in turn, supports new brain cell growth in the hippocampus. The hippocampus is a brain structure important for memory.
  2. It involves exercise; and exercise promotes new brain cell growth in the hippocampus as well.
  3. It increases blood flow to the brain, which also supports new brain cell growth.

Interestingly, previous studies have also found an association between regular sex and lower risk of dementia. In other words, making love to your spouse could help you both increase memory and stave off dementia.

So, I figure we may have found this year’s New Year’s resolution, one you and your spouse can enjoy while enhancing your memory and helping to shield one another from dementia. Enjoy regular times of physical intimacy and love making. Only one caveat to remember: making love is more than just jumping in the sack. It all begins in the kitchen (Read Improve Your Sex Life…Before You Hit the Sheets and Forget the Flowers & Do the Dishes for more on starting in the kitchen).

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Improve Your Sex Life…BEFORE You Hit the Sheets

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Kevin Leman published a book entitled Sex Begins in the Kitchen. (Read the review here.) It’s not really a book about sex. But, it does make an important point about sex—if you want to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse, start preparing outside the bedroom. I mean way outside the bedroom. In fact, the most enjoyable and satisfying sex life is firmly established on factors that, on first glance, seem totally unrelated to sex and the bedroom. Let me give a few examples.African American Couple Laughing On The Floor

  1. A satisfying sex life is premised on responsiveness to your spouse’s needs and requests OUTSIDE the bedroom. This responsiveness will result in you serving your spouse. Taking out the garbage, washing the dishes, running the vacuum, and even cleaning the toilet become ways to respond to your spouse’s need for help and cleanliness. Responsiveness will also lead you to honor your spouse and her need for a break, his need to develop friendships, or her need to go out “with the girls.” You can learn more about the impact of this type of responsiveness on the quality of your intimacy by reading Increase Your Spouse’s Sexual Desire.
  2. A high quality sex life is built upon communicating admiration and fondness for your spouse on a daily basis. You don’t have to plan some extravagant show of admiration, just simple statements like “you look nice,” “thanks for dinner…you’re a great cook,” “you do a nice job on the yard,” or “thank you, I like working by your side” show fondness and admiration. Simple shows of affection (like a hug, holding hands, or a kiss with no expectation of anything more) are nonverbal ways to show admiration for your spouse. These simple shows of fondness and admiration communicate love. They build trust. They let our spouse know we desire him or her. They create an atmosphere conducive to intimate sharing and abandoned trust.
  3. An intimate sex life is enjoyed when we learn to accept invitations from our spouse to connect throughout the day. We offer up invitations of connection all the time. Some invitations are explicit; others are implicit. Questions like “Want to go for a walk” or “can we talk” are explicit, direct invitations to connect. But the day is filled with indirect, implicit invitations as well…like, “nice day, isn’t it?” or a gentle touch on the shoulder, a smile, or a sigh. Each of these statements, questions, or actions invite us to connect with our spouse. Each time we respond with genuine interest we stoke the fires of intimacy and open the doors for deeper relationships.
  4. Take #3 a step further by connecting emotionally to really boost your sex life. We all want to “feel” understood. We want to be known at the deepest level, to be heard in the silence of our hearts. When we acknowledge our spouse’s emotions and let their emotions impact us, we connect more deeply. When we respond to our spouses based on their emotions they feel heard, valued, connected. Sharing emotional connection builds an intimacy outside the bedroom that carries over into the bedroom.

At first glance, these four factors may not seem directly related to our sex life. But, our sex life is built upon and premised on our daily words, actions, and interactions. It is an outgrowth of our intentional responsiveness, communications of admiration, and connections throughout the day.

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