Tag Archive for power of words

The Tongue in the Family Bank of Honor

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The tongue is an amazing muscle. Actually, it is much more than a muscle. We use our tongue to taste and to talk. We may even stick it out in a playful or nasty manner. We can use our tongue to say the most wonderful, funny words or to say terribly, hurtful things. Not only is the tongue versatile, it is powerful. One ancient writer said that “death and life are in the power of the tongue…” (Proverbs 18:21) and “the north wind brings forth rain: so does a backbiting tongue an angry countenance” (Proverbs 25:23). That is power for such a small part of the body. In fact, another ancient writer compared the tongue to the rudder of a great ship…a small part of the ship but one that controls the direction of the ship, even in a storm (James 3:5). The tongue is small, versatile, and powerful…and you can use it to build intimacy in your family or to destroy your family.
 
Yes, the tongue is small, versatile, and powerful. It can accomplish great things for the family or it can quickly crush your family, build intimacy between family members or destroy family members. Consider how the tongue can crush family members and make huge withdrawals from the Family Bank of Honor:
·         Complaining
·         Blaming
·         Nagging
·         Criticizing harshly
·         Arguing and fighting
·         Discourage
·         Curse
·         Screaming and yelling at one another
·         Talking over one another
·         Name calling
·         Lying & deceiving
·         Slander
 
On the other hand, the tongue can accomplish so much for the family, making multiple deposits into the Family Bank of Honor. The tongue can build intimacy and love. Consider some of the good things the tongue can do.
·         Compliment
·         Praise
·         Encourage
·         Thank
·         Express love for one another
·         Use polite words
·         Comfort
·         Affirm
·         Build up
·         Offer constructive criticism
·         Apologize
·         Share wisdom
·         Kinds
·         Bless
·         Speaks truth gently
 
The tongue is small but mighty…you can use it to build up or tear down, bless or curse, encourage or discourage family, to make deposits or withdrawals into the Family Bank of Honor. The choice is yours!
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Take a Fall Family Vacation

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I recently read a blog from The Generous Husband that talked about taking a vacation. I really liked the blog…and I love vacations. About this time of year, I’m looking for a vacation. The rush of the holidays is around the corner, the demands of homework and fall activities have taken a toll on my rest (or lack thereof), and I often feel overwhelmed by life. I want a sabbatical. I want a family vacation where I can enjoy time with my family without the nagging schedule and rush-induced stress that contributes to bickering and snappish remarks. So, this year I’m taking my family on a vacation. Well…not the kind of vacation you might imagine. We are not going to get away from home; and, we are not going to the mountains or the shore. Instead, I am taking my family on a vacation to get away from nagging, fault-finding, and bickering. We are leaving complaints and allegations in our rear view mirror and heading off to the perfect vacation spot…a beautiful resort of peace and quiet where we can find rest and relaxation. Actually, the perfect vacation spot is not so much a place as it is a charge, a duty, an investment. This perfect vacation spot involves changing the orientation of our heart and the focus of our time. It is nestled scenically at the center of the happy family. In this pleasant and breathtaking destination, our family can settle down on the beach of affirmation and listen to the waves of thanks and encouragement wash up on the shore of our heart, softly rolling over our spirit with words of support and love moment after moment. Of course, we will take a cooler filled with refreshing compliments to quench our thirst for acceptance and recognition. Fully equipped for a day at the shore, we can bask in the warmth of affirmation and affection, allowing the warm rays of encouragement to melt the stress of everyday life away, and enjoy the loving interaction of family. Would you care to join me and my family on this vacation? We will be enjoying this scenic and invigorating vacation spot for the rest of the week. You are welcome to join us. In fact, we hope to see you there!
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Do I Discipline or Sabotage?

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My two daughters were upstairs arguing…yelling so loud I couldn’t even think. I tried to ignore them and let them work out this minor battle, but my frustration increased with the volume of their voices. Finally, I could take it no longer. I walked to the bottom of the stairs and yelled, “Stop the yelling. We don’t yell in this house!” As soon as I said it, it hit me. Did I just yell that we don’t yell in this house? I suddenly realized that my actions gave a different message than my words—my means did not match the ends I desired. I had to laugh…then I had to walk up the stairs to talk with my daughters about yelling in the house. I look back and laugh now, but how often do we reach for an end by using the wrong means? How often do we use methods that actually sabotage our disciplinary goal? Think about it…
     ·         We rudely reprimand our children in front of everyone for being impolite. I’ve even heard parents swear at their children and call them names for being impolite. Wouldn’t it model politeness if we quietly and politely told them to stop the impolite behavior and took them aside to explain more appropriate behavior if they persist?
     ·         We tell our children to “use your words” when angry, but grab them and physically force them to look at us when we are frustrated. Couldn’t we find a way of using our words in such a situation?
     ·         We encourage teens to think for themselves when confronted with peer pressure, but keep talking in an effort to convince them of our opinion if they do not agree with us. How often could we safely tell them one time and let them learn from their mistakes? Or, even accept that they might have different ideas than we do?
     ·         We insist on the truth, but ask them “if they did so and so” when we know the answer, setting them up to tell a lie in order to save face. Why not just tell them what we know?
     ·         We assume the worst of our children, even if that behavior is outside their normal character, while encouraging them to trust us.
 
All in all, the method of discipline needs to match the goal we desire. The style of discipline we use has to match the goal of our the discipline or we will be ineffective. Children learn more from our actions than our desires and our speeches. If we want our children and teens to become polite and compassionate adults, we need to discipline with politeness and compassion rather than rudeness and insensitivity. If we want our children to become more self-controlled and thoughtful, we need to model self-control and thoughtfulness in our interactions with them. I needed to walk up the stairs and talk to my daughters about their volume, not throw my yelling into the mix when I try to “stop the yelling.” We, as parents and family shepherds, need to model the behaviors we want our children to learn, even in the midst of discipline.
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How Do You Use Words?

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Lynn came into my office in tears. After she described her day, I understood. Just listen to the comments she heard throughout the day:
“Are you going to eat all that? You really have to watch your figure you know.”
“You can’t wear that shirt. It shows too much mid-rift. Are you trying to look easy?”
“You forgot your homework again. You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached”
“You never listen to me.
“How could you go out? You don’t care about us at all…you are so selfish!”
“You always have an excuse. Well, I don’t need your excuses… Just do it.” 
“Having a bad hair day, are we?”
“Those pants don’t go with that shirt.”
“You run funny.”
“Sit down and shut up.”
 
The list goes on. Comments made by friends, family members, and teachers in a variety of situations…not one encouraging or constructive word. No wonder she was upset. Her friends, family members, and teachers had hurled words at her like stones, crushing her heart and mind under the weight of discouragement and belittling comments. Our homes need to provide a place of shelter from the verbal barrage of ridicule and discouragement. An honor-filled family offers a safe haven from the word bullets of discouragement that pierce our hearts and minds.
 
Encourage Your Spouse identifies five ways to encourage…not just your spouse but your whole family. Let’s look at each one in detail.
·         Inspire with Hope: Comments such as “You’re doing a great job” or “You are becoming such a nice young lady” inspire us with hope for tomorrow. Comments that provide hope also encourage. Hope gives us strength to carry on, even when times are rough. So, encourage with comments that inspire hope and help your family look toward a positive future.
·         Fortify with Faith: We can build one another up with comments that communicate “I believe in you.” For instance, telling a child “I know it’s hard, but you can do it. Let me know if you need some help” lets them know you have faith in their ability. Even establishing an encouraging expectation can build up a realization that you have faith in them. For instance, saying “I know you can do better than that on your homework” when you know they only did a half-hearted job communicates that you have faith in a greater ability than they exhibited. Encourage family members to live up to their ability by using kind, encouraging words.
·         Foster with Love: We can use encouraging words of love to nurture family members and develop positive character. Let family members know the depth of your love by expressing appreciation for their deeds and character, joy over their presence in our lives, and gratitude for their contribution to your life. Let your love encourage positive growth in their lives as well. 
·         Uplift with Prayer: It is so very encouraging to know that family members pray for you…that they hold you, your interests, and your struggles in mind and bring them before God for His assistance. Let family members know you pray for them. Ask them how you can pray for them. Lift them up in vocal prayer before meals or at bedtime. Let them hear you pray for them. Share your own prayer requests with family as well. Together you can lift one another up in prayer.
·         Support with Actions: Use your actions to express your love and support for their lives. Encourage family members by serving them, communicating that they are valuable enough to serve. Show an interest in their interests, become involved in their life’s pursuit, and support their dreams with positive action. These actions encourage others by expressing value and love.
 
Lynn’s day would have gone very differently had she come into my office after a day of receiving encouraging messages. Each of us plays a role in “making” or “breaking” the day of our family members. So, use your words to encourage rather than discourage, to lift up rather than pull down, to build rather than crush.
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Rare & Elusive Family Words of Honor

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There are some things you just don’t hear in the sacred walls of home…even though they would really show great honor to other family members. I thought I’d list a few of those rare and elusive phrases today. You rarely hear these statements in a family, but wouldn’t it be great…?
 
“No fair, I got the bigger (last, best) piece of pie.”
“No fair, you let me sit in the best seat in the house.”
“No, please let me empty the kitty litter for you.”
“No problem, I’ll watch your TV program instead of mine this time.”
“Why don’t you rest tonight? I’ll make dinner.”
“Let’s be really quiet; your sister (mother, brother, father) is studying (or resting).”
“I can’t wait to help you with the laundry this week.”
“Never mind the allowance, Mom. I’m just happy to do my part in helping make our home a happy place.”
“Mom, you look tired. What could I do for you around the house to make your day easier?”
“Thanks for giving me time out for talking back. I really learn so much when you discipline me. Thank you so much.”
“We got 4th (5th, 6th, last) place but we worked hard, so let’s go celebrate!”
“You can hold the remote tonight dear.”
 
And a few from my daughters:
“That’s OK, have as much dessert as you like.”
“Why don’t you rest before doing your chores.”
“No chores for you today; I’m going to do them all for you.”
“That’s OK, you can stay in the basement and practice piano, we’ll go upstairs.”
“I look forward to meeting that nice young man you’re dating.” (OK, now my daughter is pushing her limits!)
 
What are some phrases you would like to hear in your home…phrases that expresses honor and grace but are rarely heard?
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Family Investments As Easy As 1…2…3

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When it comes to making investments, those constant and regular small contributions make a huge difference. Little contributions made to your account on a regular basis add up to huge long-term dividends. The same is true in family honor banking. If you want to grow your family honor account, here is an investment strategy as easy as 1…2…3.
1.      Make 1-word investments like “thanks” and “please.” When someone does something for you, say “Thanks.” Never pass up an opportunity to thank someone for what they have done for you. When you ask someone to do something for you, say “Please.” Anything from “Pass the salt” to “Would you mop the bathroom floor” can be paired with that one word, “Please.” Make these one-word investments generously; they result in huge dividends.
 
2.      Make 2-word investments. Two-word investments don’t just double your investment, they grow it exponentially. The first 2-word investment is “Thank you.” I know, we used “thanks” as a 1-word investment but you can never show too much gratitude. “Thanks” and “Thank you” (1- and 2-word investments) show gratitude, carry great clout, and will never disappoint you with their long-term return.
 
“You’re welcome” is another powerful 2-word investment tool. When someone says “Thank-you,” respond with “You’re welcome.” It shows respect and consideration for the person who thanks you. Of course, there are variations on this investment. Instead of “You’re welcome,” you could reply with another 2-word investment like “My pleasure.” Although a slightly different investment tool, very powerful in building relationship. 
 
One more very powerful 2-word investments: “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry” is a humbling investment, but one that brings a huge dividend in the family bank of honor. “I’m sorry” not only adds dividends to long-term investments, it actually restores withdrawals of honor from the account. “I’m sorry” lets your family know that their feelings and rights are important to you, even if you slip up and hurt them on occasion. “I’m sorry” restores relationships. A very powerful investment with only two simple words (well, one contraction and one word).
 
3.      Make 3-word investments. Three-word investments come in great variety. Some of the most common and powerful 3-word investments include “I love you,” “I respect you,” “I appreciate you,” etc. You can also add variety to these investments by adding specifics after the 3-word investment. For instance, “I love your hair” or “I appreciate you’re hard work.” These investments include a 3-word investment followed by a specific investment–great dividends.
 
One more powerful 3-word investment: “I forgive you.” This 3-word investment is a great follow-up to the 2-word investment of “I’m sorry.” Although “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” may well be two of the hardest investments to make, they carry tremendous benefits. They demand sacrifice on the part of the investor, but the returns are potentially amazing–restored relationship, growing intimacy, and restored trust to name a few. 
 
There you have it: a powerful investment strategy for banking at the Family Bank of Honor—an investment strategy as simple as 1…2…3. Imagine the impact of sitting down to dinner to hear:
“Pass the green beans, PLEASE.”
“THANK YOU.”
“YOU’RE WELCOME.”
“I APPRECIATE YOU cleaning the porch off today.”
“I didn’t do that.”
“I did.”
“Oh, I’M SORRY. I APPRECIATE YOU cleaning the porch then.”
“THAT’S ALRIGHT. It was MY PLEASURE.”
 
A dinner conversation filled with great investments into the Family Bank of Honor-as easy as 1…2…3.
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Go Ahead and Argue…With Honor

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If you live with your family longer than a day, you’ll probably have an argument or two. You may, like me, work hard to “make” the other person understand your “point of view” (which of course is the right point of view-LOL) during this argument. This approach leads to anger, frustration, unresolved differences, and strained relationships. On the other hand, you may recall arguments that left you with positive feelings of intimacy. What makes the difference? I suggest that how we argue makes all the difference in the world. That’s right, when we honor one another in the midst of an argument, we often grow closer. So, go ahead and argue…with honor. As you do, you will discover that arguments resolve more quickly; and, relationships are not only restored but strengthened. How do you argue with honor? I’m glad you asked.
 
First, step back. Take a “time out.” Allow yourself to calm down and regain control of your emotions. It is common for people to recall the intense emotion and harsh words spoken during an argument but forget what started the argument and the topic of the argument. We can move away from the escalating tension and help maintain an atmosphere of honor by simply taking a “step back,” a “time out” to regain control of our emotions and thoughts. This may involve thinking about something other than the source of the argument, doing some physical exercise, taking a shower, or working in the garden. Do any constructive activity that will help you regain control of your emotions and calmly return to the discussion at hand. This honors your family member and sets the stage to resolve the disagreement in honor.
 
While you “step back” and calm down, “take the log out of your own eye.” In other words, take a look at yourself. Before we can honorable resolve conflicts and disagreements, we need to assess our individual contribution to the conflict. Before you try to explain, justify, or defend your actions, make a private and brutally honest assessment of your motives, goals, and expressions. Consider your contribution to the current argument. Take time to think about why this particular topic evokes such strong emotion in you. Reflect on what you can learn about yourself from this situation. Our anger in conflict often hides a deeper fear and insecurity.
 
Second, listen. Be quick to hear during an argument. Listen intently, without interrupting. Listen with a genuine desire to understand. You may feel the urge to defend yourself. Don’t…listen instead. When we listen instead of becoming defensive, we find that the argument opens a book into the other person’s heart and soul, revealing their perspective, goals, fears and priorities. The actual words and pattern of the argument merely show us the cover of the book. No need to argue about the cover, delve into the content instead. As you genuinely listen with your eyes, ears, and heart, you open the book to understand the depth and complexity of your family member’s feelings, sensitivities, priorities, and perspective. Take the opportunity of conflict to listen carefully, to read the open book, and discover the other person’s intimate feelings, sensitivities, and priorities.
 
Third, speak carefully…speak thoughtfully. Words spoken in the heat of conflict carry extra power. They burn into the heart and mind of your family members. Like quick drying cement, they form rigid patterns of thought, good or bad. So, do not jump into the conversation prematurely. Listen intently to completely understand the other person’s perspective, goals, feelings, and sensitivities; then, speak carefully. Careful speaking demands that we speak gently, not harshly. In the midst of an argument, speak carefully by remaining appreciative, polite, and clear. Describe what you see happening rather than evaluating or judging your family members character or purpose. Keep your speech kind. Instead of name calling, express love. Rather than criticize and ridicule, proclaim your belief in your family member’s integrity and desire for resolution. If you don’t have this belief, recall all that your family member does to show their love for family. Rather than defend yourself, empathize and restate your partner’s perspective. 
 
Three ways to honor one another in the midst of an argument: step back, listen, and speak carefully. Following these three steps will help turn an argument into an opportunity to understand one another and grow closer. So, don’t avoid the argument. Go ahead and argue…with honor.
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Going the Distance in the Family Marathon

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Family relationships are an ultra-marathon, not a sprint. Having all the skills and techniques in the world will only go so far unless you develop the endurance to “go the distance.” So, here are a few suggestions to help build endurance and help you “go the distance” in your family life.
  • Slow down to increase endurance. Slow the pace of your life so you can spend time with your family. Just hang out with individual family members or with your family as a whole. Have meaningless conversations. Spending time expresses value for the one you choose to be with. Family members consider you presence a sign of enduring love and care.
  • Fill your speech with kindness. Kind words have tremendous power to build an enduring family. So, encourage one another. Say “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome.” Go the distance-keep your words kind and polite, even when irritated, angry, or tired.
  • Every day, list at least one way you saw each family member make a positive investment in your family. Keep the list in a notebook or on your calendar. This will demand that you maintain a relational focus and keep your eyes open for positive contributions, even when you start feeling tired, angry, or begin to lose focus. Find a way to thank them for their contribution to the family on at least a weekly basis.
  • Every day, list at least three things you appreciate about each family member. What character traits do you find endearing? What mannerisms do you enjoy? What do you admire about them? Keep that list each day and tell them one thing from that list each day.
  • Make weekly goals about how you will show family members how much you value them. How will you show your love for each family member this week? How will you let them know how valuable they are to you? Once again, you will build endurance as you find creative ways to express this value week in and week out. It will demand some variation and creativity on your part; but, the results are amazing.
 
To really “go the distance” requires prevention as well. A yearly checkup can help to diagnoses various health conditions before they get bad, making treatment easier and more effective. The same is true in relationships. In fact, a yearly relationship check up can save a marriage, strengthen parent-child relationships, and lead to more satisfying family relationships. And, a family check up is free. That’s right, you can monitor the progress yourself. Here are some suggestions.
  • Each year write a letter to your spouse and children telling them how much they mean to you. Include 2-3 things you admire about them and an example to support each of those traits. Areas of admiration may include personality, areas of growth, or other things about them that have special meaning to you. After writing the letter, share it with that family member. Make the sharing a special occasion, an opportunity to spend time together talking, reminiscing, and enjoying one another’s company.
  • Ask your spouse and children what you can do to improve your family relationships. The following questions might help. The answers to these questions can be difficult to hear. However, we grow through constructive feedback. Asking for feedback shows your desire to grow personally and as a family. It shows how much you value your family and family member’s opinions.
    • What can I do to make you feel more loved? Respected? Secure? Understood?
    • When you think of me, what is the first thought/image that comes to mind? How do you think of me?
    • What do you think I value most?
    • Is there one characteristic you would like me to develop? An area you want me to work on improving?
    • What are some things I can do to show you how much I value having you in my family?
    • How do you envision our future together? What can we do to achieve that goal together?
 
By following these simple steps, you can add depth and longevity to your family relationships. You can “go the distance” and experience greater relationship health and happiness.
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The Power of Words

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Napoleon once remarked that “four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.” Indeed, words are powerful. I always wondered who said that “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Whoever they were, they were wrong. Words may not break bones, but they can break someone’s spirit. Of course, they can lift someone’s spirit as well. Words have the power to arouse strong emotions in us–emotions of joy or sorrow, anger or mercy, love or hate. Just adding a single word to a sentence can change the meaning and consequence of that sentence. Take “but” for example. When a loved one tells us “I love you” we are filled with joy. However, “I love you, but…” leaves us fearful and worried about the security of our relationship with them. When a friend says, “I like your shirt” we feel good, maybe even more confident. However, if they say “I like your shirt, but…” we suddenly become self-conscious and worried, not only about our shirt but our overall appearance. And, we all hate to hear someone respond to our world changing idea by saying “Yeah, but…”

Yes, words are powerful. Our words can honor or dishonor those who hear us. They can heal the spirit or crush the spirit. Honoring words build others up. Dishonoring words tear others down. “Honey, I really appreciate all your work around the house” honors; “Honey, it’s about time you did something around here” does not. Telling our children “You didn’t put your clothes away yet-when do you plan to do it” honors them. Telling them “You are such a slob; you never put your clothes away” dishonors them with name-calling and character assassination. Constructive criticism given in love honors; harsh criticism shouted in anger dishonors. Encouraging words honor. Compliments honor. Polite words, like “thank you,” “please,” or “your welcome,” honor. Rude words dishonor.

Tim Hawkins’ satirical song, “Things You Don’t Say to Your Wife,” (click on picture) humorously describes many dishonoring statements a man might say to his wife. It’s a funny song. Have a good laugh as you listen. But, when the music ends, consider…do your words honor or dishonor your family?

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