A study published in August, 2024, and appearing in Contemporary Family Therapy offers interesting insight into resolving marital conflict. This study utilized data from 1,112 couples. Specifically, this study explored how the conflict resolution style each person brought to their marriage contributed to their ability to effectively manage conflict in the relationship. They identified 23 ways in which people approach conflict. However, the top three ways accounted for 43% of the strategies mentioned. The top 6 accounted for 72%. I’d like to share those top 6 with you.

1. The top strategy is listening. No surprise, right? Listening is perhaps one of the most important skills we can develop in resolving any disagreement. Listening involves more than simply hearing the words another speaks. It begins when we accept that the other person may have a valid perspective—important information, something we desire (dare I say “need”) to know—and, as a result, become very curious to understand their point of view. Listening requires that we set aside our own agenda for a moment in order to truly “see” the issue from the other person’s perspective—to understand their intent and the emotions behind their viewpoint. This type of listening contributes to resolving disagreements and conflicts.
2. The second strategy was avoiding confrontation. What? How can that be? I don’t believe we want to avoid all conflicts. We need to address those issues that impact us deeply rather than let them simmer as we grow resentful. That being said, avoidance does have a time and place. Many marital conflicts start over minor, unimportant issues. We don’t want huge arguments over minor issues to damage the strength of our attachment. John Gottman, after years of research, notes that 69% of marital conflict remains unsolved and couples learn to manage them, even making them a point of enduring humor.  Who loads the dishwasher correctly or when to replace the toothpaste, the legendary battle for the covers or how often to cut the grass, are not issues worth destroying your marriage over. Best to “avoid” the conflict, “let it go.” In many cases, you may even take the role of a servant and simply take care of what you see as a need. And, in the long run, you may find yourself laughing about the uniqueness of you and your spouse and how that uniqueness gives each of you the opportunity to express the true depth of your love.
3. The third strategy encompasses many skills under the label “communicate well.” Listening is one of the skills needed to communicate well. However, communicating well also involves being able to articulate why something is important to you as well as being able to articulate your emotions, priorities, and values. In the midst of being able to express your point of view, couples who effectively communicate also find ways to communicate their continued love and adoration of their partner in the midst of a conflict. They strive to communicate their love as effectively as, or even more effectively than, they communicate their disagreement.
4. The fourth strategy involves compromise. That’s right, compromise helps to resolve disagreement and conflict. An effective compromise allows both people in the marriage to have some of what they want…it proposes “win-win” solution. Compromise requires both parties to practice humility and, at times, to lovingly sacrifice for the sake of your love and relationship. Of course, we all have various priorities and values that we do not want to compromise. However, many things are just not that important. Consider how much you are willing to compromise to show your spouse how much you love them. What is the value, the depth of your love?
5. The fifth strategy involves resolving the conflict quickly. To resolve a conflict quickly we cannot shut down and walk away to stew. Instead, we must engage in the above strategies to reach a resolution. At times we may have to take a break with the promise to return to resolve the disagreement at a set time. Many behaviors can help resolve a conflict quickly, including listening or the wise use of humor. One of the best ways to resolve disagreements and conflicts quickly is to build an environment of appreciation, gratitude, adoration, and play during times when there are no conflicts. These times of appreciation, gratitude, adoration, and play lay the foundation for quick conflict resolution.
6. The sixth strategy is “cooling down,” soothing yourself and your spouse. Knowing how to “keep myself calm” and how to “soothe myself” and manage “my emotions” helps prevent a conflict from escalating. Practicing awareness of my spouse’s emotions as we interact allows me to modify my responses and interactions in a way that can help her not become overwhelmed by emotion as well. By “cooling down,” we can focus on communicating our values, priorities, desires, and the emotions behind each of them in a way that lends itself toward resolution. By soothing ourselves, we maintain the ability to listen well and remain open to a quicker resolution.

We could say much more about each of these strategies, but I simply wanted to give you a quick overview. Now the important part. Practice these 6 strategies in your relationship to resolve any marital conflict that might arise and to nurture the intimacy in your marriage.