Marriage can be a little taste of heaven on earth. However, when a couple does not nurture their marriage and it slowly dies, it can become a hell on earth. What are some reasons that a heavenly marriage may not last? What can turn a marriage into hell on earth?

1. A lack of effective communication. Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Poor communication can occur due to busyness or lack of “know-how.” Two components are required for effective communication. One, a willingness to listen deeply to what your spouse has to say. This deep listening involves accepting what they have to say as a valid expression worthy of being heard. Even more, listening with a deep curiosity that considers what they are saying as the “most important thing” you could be listening to at the moment. And two, a willingness to make honest disclosures about one’s needs, desires, and emotions… which leads us to the next bullet.
2. Not taking personal responsibility. It’s easy to blame other people or circumstances for our personal problems and our relational problems. However, no one can change their spouse (or anyone else for that matter). We can only change one person–ourselves. We can only change our individual contribution to any problem that arises. Recognizing our contribution to any problem or conflict demands honesty with ourselves. Taking personal responsibility involves admitting the role we play and making the appropriate changes. Personal responsibility helps build a little taste of heaven in our marriages.
3. Expecting others to fulfill our needs and expectations. We are not only responsible for our own behaviors, but for managing our needs and expectations as well. We often fall for the myth that our spouse will “complete me” and make us whole by meeting all our needs. But having our needs and expectations fulfilled through marriage is more about multiplication than it is about addition. It takes two whole people to make a whole marriage (1 X 1=1). Two people who are only half developed will make only a quarter of a fulfilled relationship (.5 X .5=.25). We are responsible to grow into fully mature individuals with a sense of identity so we can truly offer ourselves to our spouses in love. and, as a fully mature, functioning adult, we can meet many of our own needs. We can take personal responsibility to ensure we eat when hunger, for instance. After all, you’re not married to Burger King.
4. Bringing the past into the present. If we don’t accept #2 and #3, we often find ourselves carrying the past around with us. this can ruin our marriages. All of us have internalized various beliefs and habits from our past that can destroy a marriage. we inadvertently develop distorted beliefs and misconceptions based on past experiences. We have to take personal responsibility (again) to recognize and admit these distortions and then to intentionally replace them with healthier, more appropriate beliefs. When you do, you will discover a greater ability to nurture a deeper intimacy with your spouse.

Develop your communication skills. Take personal responsibility. Function as a mature adult in meeting your basic needs. Resolve and learn from the past. As you do these four things, you will enjoy a more intimate relationship with your spouse.