Archive for May 29, 2023

Feeling Stressed? Try Gratitude

Many people minimize the power of gratitude. “Just be thankful.” Sounds too simplistic, right? Besides, encouraging an “attitude of gratitude” has become a platitude, just another cliché to say when things are tough. Still, gratitude is powerful. It’s not a cure-all, but it can help. In fact, gratitude may be what you need to reduce the stress in your marriage and family.

A study carried out at the Irish University of Maynooth suggests that gratitude will help you and your family react with less stress AND recover more quickly from stress. Specifically, gratitude predicted lower systolic blood pressure in response to a stress arousing experience in this study. A lower systolic blood pressure contributes to a lower risk of stroke or heart attack. In other words, if you want a family that manages stress more effectively and recovers more quickly from stressful events, make gratitude a daily practice in your family. If you’re not sure how to make gratitude a daily practice, here are three ideas to get you started.

  • Start a gratitude photo album on your phone.  Every day, take a picture of something for which you are grateful. In fact, take two or three photos a day of things for which you are grateful. Store them on your phone in an album entitled “Grateful.” When you’re feeling blue or stressed, flip through the photos. While you’re at it, randomly share a photo of gratitude with your family.  Share your gratitude pics anytime you feel the urge. They will be your “random expressions of gratitude.”
  • Engage in intentional expressions of gratitude as well. Intentionally watch for opportunities to express gratitude to your spouse, your children, and your parents. Obviously, you can thank them for the extraordinary things they do. However, make it a point to thank them for the mundane as well—like doing the laundry, cleaning their room, playing quietly, watching a movie with you, doing their chores. Don’t stop with your family. Thank the clerk at the checkout counter, your postal worker, the guy who holds the door for you, your waiter…. You get the idea. Offer thanks every chance you get. Not only will you enjoy the benefits of gratitude, you’ll be modeling a lifestyle of gratitude for your children as well.
  • End the day with gratitude. Each evening take time to review your day and write down three things for which you are grateful. Push yourself to think of something different every day. It will be easy at first, but you’ll soon find yourself thinking more deeply to identify things for which you are grateful. You’ll begin to see a whole new world of gratitude open up as you dig deep to find those things for which you can give thanks.

As you and your family develop the practice of giving thanks, you’ll discover that family stress decreases. You’ll also learn that when stress does arise, you manage it better and recover more quickly. And that is something to be thankful for.

What’s Wrong with Kids Today?

In 2021, the American Academy of Pediatrics, along with the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and the Children’s Hospital Association issued a “joint statement to the Biden administration that child and adolescent mental health be declared a ‘national emergency.'” Children and teens suffer from rates of depression and anxiety that have increased over the last five decades. Although several factors have been identified as contributing to the decline in children’s mental health, a study review published in February, 2023, suggests that a steady decline in children’s opportunity to engage in self-directed play, exploration, and activities meaningful to the functioning of family and community, independent of adult control and oversight, are major contributors.

At one time, small groups of children walked or biked to school with little to no adult supervision. They engaged in meaningful part-time jobs by the time they reached their preteen years, jobs such as babysitting, managing a paper route, or lawn care. Children spent large chunks of time away from adults riding their bikes, exploring the community or nearby woods, and “hanging out” with friends. The message inherent from adults to children engaged in these activities is that children are competent, responsible, resourceful, and resilient. Unfortunately, the inherent message to children today is that children need supervision and protection because the world is not safe…messages that arouse anxieties and fears. But is it really true that the world is less safe today? According to statistics, our children are safer today than they were in the 1980’s. Crime rate peaked in 1991 and has been declining ever since. The murder rate today is about half of what it was in the 1990’s. Child abductions are rare. Most missing children end up being runaways, not abducted. (For more on child safety today, see Myth-Busting: Let Grow Looks at Common Child Safety Myths and Facts.) Yet, we continue to give our children the message that the world is not safe, “you need” our supervision and protection.  As a result, our children have less opportunities to engage in age-appropriate risky behaviors, behaviors that provide them the opportunity to test and learn the limits of their physical abilities as well as how to trust in their own competence and resourcefulness, skills that boost their self-confidence and protect them from developing phobias and anxieties.

With all this in mind, let your children play. Let them engage in age appropriate, independent play and exploration. Let them enjoy a pick-up game with their friends. Allow them to go on a bike ride without you. Sure, teach them the skills they need to be safe, but let them go it alone at an age-appropriate level. It will provide them with opportunities to experience more happiness and feel like they make a meaningful contribution to their family and community. It will also help them grow a “head taller than themselves.”

The Kindness Cascade

Imagine: four strangers come together. Each one is given twenty dollars and asked to decide whether to keep the whole twenty dollars for themselves or share some of it with their group. Each dollar they share with the group will result in all four people receiving forty cents. Of course, this means the giver may lose sixty cents (they give one dollar but only receive forty cents back). On the other hand, if all four people gave one dollar, each person would receive one dollar and sixty cents back (.40 times 4).  So, mental gymnastics begins as each one decides whether to share and, if so, how much. “If I give too much more than everyone else, I’ll lose money. If everyone doesn’t give, I’ll lose money. If I give a little and everyone else gives more, I’ll really make out and still look pretty good….”

As the initial group time comes to an end, the players learn who contributed what amount to the group. Then, each player is given twenty dollars more and set up in another group made up of three new people. Each person goes through this process until they have met with a total of six different groups of four. (Read about this study in Cooperative Behavior Cascades in Human Social Networks, James H. Fowler, PNAS, 3/23/2010)

Here’s the question: How did learning about other group members’ contributions impact an individual’s kindness and generosity in future groups? Initially, many people might assume that each individual would act in a way to maximize their personal profit—in other words, keep all their money and walk out with a bundle or give sparingly in hopes of receiving back more than they gave.  But this did not happen. What actually did happen proved much more interesting.

When even one person contributed to the group, each of the other three group members changed their giving in the next round. Specifically, they increased their giving in response to even one person contributing to the group. And that increase in giving endured over the next 5 games, impacting each of the players in those games as well. Specifically, if a person gave one dollar to the group in round one, the other three group members increased their giving by 19 cents in round two, 15 cents in round three, 8 cents in round four and 17 cents in both rounds 5 and 6. Amazing, right? And of course, their increase in giving impacted the other three members of their new groups, contributing to each of those people increasing their giving in future rounds. In other words, one person’s generosity rippled out through other people for the next five rounds.  

That’s an amazing aspect of kindness. Kindness cascades from one person to dozens of others, even impacting and inspiring people we have not met! Imagine this “kindness cascade” circulating in your marriage before flowing to your children and then streaming through them to their schools and overflowing into your community. The power of a simple act of kindness inspiring another to act in kindness forms a cascading, gathering stream of kindness that fans out and changes a dry, weary land of incivility and impoliteness. And it all begins with showing kindness to your family.

Unfortunately, we know that rude behavior cascades as well. In fact, just being in close proximity to someone who acts in a rude manner contributes to ill-mannered and impolite behavior toward others. They also began to interpret other people’s behaviors in a negative light and so respond to them based on those misinterpretations. Those interacting with a rude person may engage in minor revenge (like withholding resources) from the rude person. Most disturbing of all, studies suggest that a single act of rudeness continues to cascade and impact other people for up to one week.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be ground zero for a cascade of rudeness. I want to become ground zero for a cascade of kindness. So, let’s start a kindness cascade that will water a land devoid of the refreshing water of kindness…and let it begin with you and me right in our homes.

Teach Your Children Emotional Intelligence

Children are an emotional lot. That’s only half the truth, isn’t it? It’s not just children but people, adults and children, who are filled with emotions. We are all part of an “emotional lot” and that’s a good thing. Emotions are a gift. They help us realize and define our priorities. Who gets angry about something they care nothing about? Who gets happy over something they do not find valuable? Emotions arise in response to our priorities; and they help us better define those priorities.

Emotions also provide us with the energy to focus on our priorities. The energy we feel in response to anger, when managed properly and directed carefully, can help us resolve whatever aroused our anger. The energy of anxiety helps us to focus on the issue arousing our anxiety and seek a way to effectively address it. Happiness broadens our attention so we can become immersed in the joyous experience. Indeed, when we learn to manage the energy of our emotions, we can tweak our priorities and invest in growing more whole and connected.

That’s the rub, isn’t it? In order for emotions to help us grow, we need to learn how to manage them and the energies they arouse. The process of managing our emotions begins with having an emotional vocabulary. After all, if I have no emotional vocabulary, I have no way to express my emotions. As a result, I may go straight from feeling to action…with no buffer of thought in between.  Consider a toddler who has little emotional vocabulary and cannot express his frustration. He quickly becomes frustrated, maybe even angry, and does what we have labeled as “throwing a tantrum” because he has no words to express his frustration. I have met many a child who did not have the language to express his frustration or anger so went straight from frustration to physically action toward the person frustrating him.

Having a broad emotional language, on the other hand, allows us to recognize and label our feelings. It also creates a buffer between the emotions and our actions in response to our emotions. Even the thought, “I’m so angry” puts a millisecond buffer between emotion and action…a millisecond that allows the neural pathway carrying our emotion to reach our prefrontal cortex and inform us of a more appropriate response, a response that will best serve our priorities.

Learning an emotional vocabulary begins in relationships, especially children’s relationship with their parents. Our children first learn their emotional vocabulary from us, their parents. As we label our emotions and their emotions, they begin to learn a broader vocabulary for their emotional experience. The broader the vocabulary, the broader their options for response. In fact, a series of five studies using the data from 5,520 toddlers showed that children learn emotional labels best when their parents provide information about the situation or actions around the emotion as well. For instance, rather than simply saying “You’re getting frustrated (angry),” a parent might say, “You’re frustrated (angry) because we can’t get ice cream right now.”  Or when witnessing another person’s emotions, a parent might say, “Your friend was really happy to get that nice present from you.” Notice how these statements not only label an emotion, but they provide the context for that emotion as well. Giving the emotion a context and a label helps our children learn a broader emotional vocabulary. As our children learn a broader emotional vocabulary by hearing you label emotions and the context of those emotions, they will grow in their emotional intelligence. They will grow in their ability to respond appropriately and effectively to their own emotions.

“Ping…” “Zoom…” “Plop…”

You can hear it wherever you go…ping, ping, ping. The group text messages pour in while discussing the current topic…ping, ping, ping. Emails, mostly spam and a few of import, arrive…ping, ping. Someone’s at the front door and your Ring notifies you…ping, ping, ping. Instagram, reels, ping, ping, ping.  Push notifications can constantly invade our lives.  In the process, we become conditions to feel an edge of excitement because “we got mail” or some other important, funny, nonsensical, interesting input. In fact, we feel the same pleasurable excitement that a person who gambles feels at the sight of a poker machine. And when the cell phone “pings,” our attention goes “zoom,” right out the window. The constant “pings” and pull of the cellphone distract us from whatever task we have at hand. Some studies even suggest that the average person checks their phone (ping, ping) around 85 times a day! That’s once every 15 minutes that our attention is distracted from the task at hand. Unfortunately, with the constant checking and pulling of the cellphone, our mood can go “plop.” Stress and “FOMO” (Fear Of Missing Out) increase as does our sense of sadness, loneliness, and depression.

Maybe we can just turn our phone on “silent.” Then we won’t hear the “ping, ping, ping.” Unfortunately, we remain conditioned to the expectation of a reward each time we look at our phone—a new reel to see, a new funny cat video, another email, an Instagram to catch our fancy, a tweet from a friend. The silent ping has caught our attention and, “zoom,” we find ourselves distracted, our mind wandering to the question, “Have I gotten another message?” “Zoom,” we set aside the task at hand and off we go to check our phone. It’s a powerful call isn’t it? You may even feel that call as you read this.

All these interruptions can leave us with a mood “plop,” an increased feeling of stress and “FOMO.” They contribute to our procrastination and decrease our productivity. These constant interruptions distract from our family. “Plop”—increased stress, FOMO, more procrastination, less productivity, and distracted from family. So, what do we do? We have to learn to better manage our technology.

  • Turn off as many push notifications as you can. Rather than receiving notifications of every tweet, every text, every message, every Instagram, every…you get the idea…set aside 2-3 periods of time to check and respond to them during the day. Perhaps you can check once in the morning, once during lunch, and once before bed…you can determine the times that work best for you.
  • Put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” during sleep time. Only allow numbers you may need for emergencies open to notification through the night.
  • Train yourself to set aside your phone and focus on your work at hand. You may need to put your phone in a drawer to help you do this. If you worry about the messages you might miss (the “Fear Of Missing Out”), remember you will still view them later.

Don’t let the cell phone send you on a downward spiral of “Ping…Zoom…Plop.” Manage the technology in your life. In doing so, you’ll feel better. You will also model effective technology use to your children, which they may imitate in the long run and feel better as well.

A Happier, More Satisfied Teen

No…it is not an oxymoron to say a “happy, satisfied teen.” Teens often get the bad rap of being moody, full of angst, and complaining about everything. But it’s more myth than fact. Sure, they have times of moodiness (as do most adults). They may even complain…but I know many adults who do the same (including me). Still, teens do experience multiple changes in their physical life, social life, and psychological life that can create a sense of unhappiness and a dissatisfaction with life. But I have good news. A study led by an educational psychology professor at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign discovered a great way to help teens become happier and more satisfied with life.

This study followed 200 teens between 14- and 19-years-old for 70 days. These teens took part in a 10-week learning challenge sponsored by GripTape, a non-profit organization working to “instill a sense of agency in young people.” Each day, the participants rated how “purposeful they felt, how satisfied they were with their life, and the levels of positive and negative emotions they experienced.”  The results revealed that feeling “more purposeful than usual on any single day was a unique predictor” of the participants’ emotional well-being. In other words, when teens felt a sense of purpose, they felt better about themselves. They experienced a higher level of happiness and greater satisfaction with life. So, how can you increase your teens’ sense of purpose and, as a result, increase their happiness and life satisfaction? I’m glad you asked.

  • Model a life of purpose. Our teens will emulate the life we model, so life a life of purpose. Think about the activities and interactions that give your life purpose. Your work or community involvement provides you with a sense of purpose. Volunteer work through your church or school provides you with a sense of purpose. Or your sense of purpose may derive from acts of kindness and service to neighbors and family members. Whatever it is, let your light shine so your teen can see it. Live your purpose with joy that your teen can witness.
  • Value kindness. Kindness represents a valuable purpose in today’s world. We need people who act in kindness toward neighbors, acquaintances, and even strangers. Kindness, from holding the door open to a simple “thank you,” has a powerful impact on our world and our individual lives. Model this simple action of purpose and encourage your teen to practice it as well.
  • Allow exploration. Teens find their purpose by exploring the world around them. Support them in exploring a variety of interests. Encourage them to explore through reading. If the opportunities arise, let them travel to other places to meet other people and witness other lifestyles. Exploration will help your teen gain a deeper understanding of themselves and find their purpose.
  • Provide volunteer opportunities. Volunteer opportunities are a wonderful way to explore and seek purpose. You can volunteer as a whole family or individually with your teen in a variety of ways. Depending on your teens’ interests, you might volunteer at a food bank, in a nursing home, in your church worship band, through habitat for humanity…or simply in your neighborhood by helping others whenever a need arises.
  • Allow downtime as an opportunity for reflection. Our teens often experience a constant rush of activities. They run from school to sports to clubs to homework to church activities to the next item on the agenda with very little downtime. When they finally get the chance to sit down and rest, they delve into the world of technology. Still, no reflection. Sometimes our teens need a period of simple boredom, of looking for something positive to grab their attention. This downtime allows them the opportunity to seek out their passions and find their purpose.

You will have a happier, more satisfied teen if you can help them find a sense of purpose. Of course, your teens’ sense of purpose will change and grow as they mature. But having a sense of purpose will increase their happiness and general satisfaction with life. “A happy, satisfied teen” is not an oxymoron—it’s a teen with a sense of purpose, a goal worth striving for.

Your Daughter’s Body Image, Humor, & You

Humor is a powerful method of communication. In fact, how a woman uses humor can impact her body image. And do you know who contributes to how your daughter learns to use humor? You…her parent. But I get ahead of myself. Let me return to “how a woman uses humor can impact her body image.”

Research completed at the University of Surrey and published in the fall of 2022 surveyed 216 women to analyze their style of humor and their body perception. The styles of humor included coping humor, self-enhancing humor, and self-defeating humor. Coping humor represents a person’s general use of humor to cope with stressful events. Self-enhancing humor represents a person’s ability to see the “absurdities of life, even when alone,” and then use those observations in a humorous way to maintain positive levels of self-esteem. Self-defeating humor, on the other hand, often involves self-denigrating comments about “my” self-perceived weaknesses in an attempt to connect with others. (Can you see where this is going?)

Results indicated:

  • Coping humor was only associated with less body criticism, but not with “body positive” attributes like appreciating one’s body and recognizing the common humanity of various body types (body kindness).
  • Self-enhancing humor, on the other hand, was associated with higher levels of body appreciation and body kindness. It was also associated with less emotional eating than those who used self-defeating humor.
  • Self-defeating humor was associated with higher body criticism, lower engagement in body appreciation, a higher drive for thinness (defined as excessive concern about dieting and weight gain), and increased emotional eating.

What does this mean for our families? We want our daughters to learn the benefits of humor—specifically, coping humor and self-enhancing humor. We want them to experience the benefits of using humor in a healthy way not in a self-defeating way. (“Don’t take my picture, I might break your camera.” “Slow down, my short legs barely reach the ground.”) 

As stated above, our daughters learn their sense of humor from us, their parents. They will model the way we use humor about ourselves. They will repeat how we use humor about them as well. As a result, we need to use wisdom in our humor. Focus on humor that lifts people up (including ourselves) and enhances those around us, especially our daughters. It will help our daughters have a better body image, a greater level of kindness toward themselves and their body, and a higher level of motivation to care for their body in healthy ways.  So, before you crack that joke about eating or clothes or some other pointed topic…think twice. Only use humor in love and kindness.

Just My Words Can Do What?

Jesus knew that words are powerful. He once said, “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘You shall not commit murder….’ But I say to you that…whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.” Did you catch the power of words in this statement. He equated name-calling with murder.

If you think that sounds a little extreme, consider the findings of a study completed by Ohio State University in 2005. This landmark study revealed that the stress a couple feels during a brief marital argument slowed down each person’s ability to heal from a wound. The authors of this study focused on the impact of the immediate negativity of their argument. This single argument negatively impacted the effectiveness of each individual’s immune system to heal a wound.

In March 2023, as part of a postdoctoral study, this data was analyzed once again and the additional findings published in Psychoneuroendrocrinology.  The authors of this study focused on the impact of ongoing negative interactions as well as the single negative interaction. They noted that:

  • The couples who reported using demand/withdraw communication patterns or mutually avoidant communication patterns on a regular basis during marital arguments had higher blood indicators of inflammation, exhibited slower wound healing, and showed greater negative emotion and less positive emotion. In other words, a pattern of negative communication over differences resulted in negative consequences for each person’s body and emotions.
  • These communication patterns also influenced their behaviors. If their typical discussion-based behaviors were more negative, their wounds heal more slowly. They also reported fewer positive emotions and they evaluated the marital argument more negatively.

In other words, when a couple’s daily pattern of communication involves demanding and withdrawing or simply mutual avoidance, they will experience more negative emotions and fewer positive emotions. As a result, their immune system becomes less effective. They will heal more slowly from wounds.  Arguments, managed poorly, can be deadly…or, when handled with love, the best part of your day. Words and actions, especially in the heat of an argument, are powerful.

To paraphrase Jesus, “You may have heard it said, ‘Do not physically hurt your spouse. But I say to you that anyone who calls his spouse a name is destroying their body. And whoever engages in constant demanding or withdrawing behavior rather than lovingly accepting one another’s influence and pursuing a healthy compromise (peace), is putting themselves and their spouse in a fiery hell in which healing and positive emotions are harder and harder to find.” Take the results of this study to heart. Learn to listen, accept influence, and resolve arguments in love…for the sake of your life and the life of your spouse.

The Blog I (Kinda) Hate to Write

Yes, this is the blog I hate to write. I guess I don’t “hate” to write it…I’m just a little reluctant. And I hope my wife doesn’t see it. She likes to dance, but me, well, I’m not really much of a dancer. I mean I danced in the living room with my children when they were young. I’ll do a slow dance with my wife now and again. But all those eyes scare me. I get self-conscious. Still, after reading an article from Greater Good, I might have to change my ways and start to dance. Why? Well…

  • Dancing can improve our sense of well-being and energy. One study completed in 2004 compared the effects of dancing, yoga, and listening to a biology lecture. I thought the biology lecture would come out on top, but dancing and yoga reduced the participants’ stress and negative emotions. Even more, only dance increased positive emotions! In fact, another study showed that only dancing with a partner to music had the effect of reducing cortisol (a stress hormone) in response to the music and increasing testosterone in response to dancing with a partner. Who doesn’t want a greater sense of well-being and energy for themselves AND their spouse?
  • Dancing can also help decrease depression. In fact, a 2012 study split participants into three groups: one group learned the tango, a second group practiced meditation, and a third group remained on a waiting list. The tango and meditation groups both experienced a decrease in depression. But only the dance group experienced a reduction in stress as well. I’d love to engage in an activity that could buffer feelings of depression for myself AND my spouse…wouldn’t you?
  • Dancing can increase intimacy. We get in sync when we dance with people…and it seems to be related to moving together in response to common music. A study in 2016 showed this by splitting participants who danced to music in their headphones into three groups: in one group everyone listened to the same music and learned the same moves; in a second group, participants learned the same moves but listened to different music, and in a third group participants listened to the same music but learned had different moves. Only the group that listened to the same music and learned the same moves felt in sync. They felt closer to one another. They grew more intimate in their relationship. A more intimate relationship—I’m always looking for ways to grow closer to my wife. Sounds like a good option.

A greater sense of well-being, more energy, a decrease in feelings of depression, reduced stress, and greater intimacy…yes, I might have to take up dancing with my spouse. How about you?