Tag Archive for daughter

Your Daughter’s Body Image, Humor, & You

Humor is a powerful method of communication. In fact, how a woman uses humor can impact her body image. And do you know who contributes to how your daughter learns to use humor? You…her parent. But I get ahead of myself. Let me return to “how a woman uses humor can impact her body image.”

Research completed at the University of Surrey and published in the fall of 2022 surveyed 216 women to analyze their style of humor and their body perception. The styles of humor included coping humor, self-enhancing humor, and self-defeating humor. Coping humor represents a person’s general use of humor to cope with stressful events. Self-enhancing humor represents a person’s ability to see the “absurdities of life, even when alone,” and then use those observations in a humorous way to maintain positive levels of self-esteem. Self-defeating humor, on the other hand, often involves self-denigrating comments about “my” self-perceived weaknesses in an attempt to connect with others. (Can you see where this is going?)

Results indicated:

  • Coping humor was only associated with less body criticism, but not with “body positive” attributes like appreciating one’s body and recognizing the common humanity of various body types (body kindness).
  • Self-enhancing humor, on the other hand, was associated with higher levels of body appreciation and body kindness. It was also associated with less emotional eating than those who used self-defeating humor.
  • Self-defeating humor was associated with higher body criticism, lower engagement in body appreciation, a higher drive for thinness (defined as excessive concern about dieting and weight gain), and increased emotional eating.

What does this mean for our families? We want our daughters to learn the benefits of humor—specifically, coping humor and self-enhancing humor. We want them to experience the benefits of using humor in a healthy way not in a self-defeating way. (“Don’t take my picture, I might break your camera.” “Slow down, my short legs barely reach the ground.”) 

As stated above, our daughters learn their sense of humor from us, their parents. They will model the way we use humor about ourselves. They will repeat how we use humor about them as well. As a result, we need to use wisdom in our humor. Focus on humor that lifts people up (including ourselves) and enhances those around us, especially our daughters. It will help our daughters have a better body image, a greater level of kindness toward themselves and their body, and a higher level of motivation to care for their body in healthy ways.  So, before you crack that joke about eating or clothes or some other pointed topic…think twice. Only use humor in love and kindness.

“Cheat Codes” for Dads: Your Daughter’s Sense of Security

If you play video games, you know the value of a good “cheat code.” They help the player advance to a new level or gain a special power. Other “cheat codes” help the gamer obtain a special tool or weapon you’ll need in the game.

If you’re a Dad of daughters, you may feel as though you need a “cheat code.” You may want inside information to help you move toward an advanced level of understanding in relation to your daughter. You likely desire a “cheat code” that will provide a gateway to a special power to influence your daughter toward maturity.  If so, I have just what you’re looking for: “cheat codes” for dads raising daughters.

Previous “cheat codes” discussed included:

The next “cheat code” involves making your daughter feel secure!

The Cheat Code: A Sense of Security.

Purpose: Giving your daughter A Sense of Security will…

  1. Increase your daughter’s confidence in the world outside the home.
  2. Give them the freedom to learn habits promoting happiness and success throughout their life.
  3. Decrease behavior problems.

Value: Children need a sense of security. Having a sense of security frees children to explore the world around them so they can learn and grow. A sense of security includes a sense of belonging, both of which promote confidence and courage to try new things. A sense of security will also promote positive behaviors in your daughter, decreasing the need for discipline.

Instructions: Practical actions that will give your daughter A Sense of Security involve…

  • Investing in your relationship with your daughter’s mother. Your daughter will feel more secure when she knows you and her mother have a secure relationship. Invest in your marriage. Keep it strong.
  • If you are divorced, your relationship to your daughter’s mother still matters. Build a positive, congenial relationship with your daughter’s mother. Do not make negative statements about her.
  • Whether married or divorced, do not says negative things about your daughter’s mother. Support her in her parenting efforts. Defend her if your daughter says something negative about her. Build a strong relationship for your daughter’s sake.
  • Express your affection for your daughter in word and action. Tell her you love her. Compliment her. Show her physical affection.
  • When you need to discipline your daughter (and you will), take time to reconnect with her afterwards.
  • Develop rituals of connection with your daughter. Spend time with your daughter. Read “Cheat Codes”: Time and “Cheat Codes”: Confidence for more.

“Cheat Codes” for Dads: Household Chores

If you play video games, you know the value of a good “cheat code.” They help the player advance to a new level or gain a special power. Other “cheat codes” help the gamer obtain a special tool or weapon you’ll need in the game.

If you’re a Dad of daughters, you may feel as though you need a “cheat code,” inside information to help you move toward an advanced level of understanding in relation to your daughter. You likely desire a “cheat code” that will provide a gateway to a special power to influence your daughter toward maturity.  If so, I have just what you’re looking for: “cheat codes” for dads raising daughters.

Previous “cheat codes” discussed included:

The Cheat Code: Household Chores.

Value: Household Chores involves helping around the house. When you help around the house you will discover many positive results.

  • When men get involved in household chores, they set an example for everyone else in the family. They also portray the kind of man they hope their daughter will marry, a man who models leadership through service.
  • Studies have shown that daughters who see their fathers engaged in household chores broaden their perceived career options. Daughters who see their fathers engaged in household chores are more likely to become in involved in careers involving leadership, management, or professional positions.
  • One last benefit which has nothing to do with your daughter. Your wife will love you for doing the chores and you’ll discover what it means that “sex begins in the kitchen.” Of course, a stronger marriage will also benefit your daughter.
  • Learn 3 other ways that doing household chores will help your daughter in The Top 6 Reasons for Men to Help Around the House.

Instructions: The instructions for Helping Around the House are simple.

  1. After dinner, help clear the table and wash the dishes (or load the dishwasher).
  2. Help complete the laundry. Put clothes in the washer. Switch clothes from the washer to the dryer. Fold clothes. Put the clothes away.
  3. Take out the garbage.
  4. In the morning, help make your bed.
  5. Run the vacuum, clean the bathtub, or mop a floor.
  6. You get the idea. You don’t have to do all of these. You don’t even have to do the same one all the time. However, doing household chores on a regular basis will have a tremendous and positive effect on your daughter. It’s a powerful “cheat code” for dads of daughters.

“Cheat Codes” for Dads: Your Daughter’s Beauty

If you play video games, you know the value of a good “cheat code.” They help the player advance to a new level or gain a special power. They help the gamer obtain a special tool or weapon needed to succeed in the game.

If you’re a Dad of daughters, you may feel as though you need a “cheat code.” You may want inside information to help you move toward an advanced level of understanding in relation to your daughter. You probably desire a “cheat code” that will open a gateway to the special power of influencing your daughter toward maturity.  If so, I have just what you’re looking for: “cheat codes” for dads raising daughters.

Previous “cheat codes” discussed included:

Now it’s time for another “cheat code:” Acknowledge and Protect Your Daughter’s Beauty.

The Cheat Code: Acknowledge and Protect Your Daughter’s Beauty.

Purpose: When you Acknowledge and Protect Your Daughter’s Beauty, youwill…

  1. Increase your daughter’s confidence in her appearance and her overall self.
  2. Help your daughter develop positive boundaries for romantic relationships.
  3. Increase the chances that your daughter will wait to become sexually active.
  4. Increase your daughter’s modesty and appropriate self-protective behavior.

Value: Our daughters receive conflicting messages about beauty, romance, and how to “use” their body. In many ways, I think our society encourages a love/hate relationship with the body. The media teaches girls to use their bodies to get what they want while teaching them to hate that others give them what they want in response to their appearance. However, as a father you can help change this for your daughter. By Acknowledging and Protecting Your Daughter’s Beauty you teach her the true value of her body.  You teach her to value her body as a gift. As you do, you increase her overall confidence and her willingness to establish appropriate boundaries of modesty.

Instructions: Acknowledging and Protecting Your Daughter’s Beauty involves…

  1. Giving healthy hugs and affection. Share healthy physical affection every day with your daughter.
  2. Acknowledge her beauty. Tell her she is beautiful. Acknowledge times when she looks especially nice.
  3. Talk about what she wants in a romantic partner. Rather than asking, “Do you love him?” talk about what she wants in a relationship. What traits does she want her romantic partner to possess? How does she expect her romantic partner to treat her?
  4. Be a champion for modesty. Right or wrong, the way a person dresses impacts how people think of them. In a manner of speaking, a person’s style of dress becomes the packaging that advertises the content inside. Fathers can help their daughters think through what they want to say through their dress. How can their dress reveal the true nature of the content inside?
  5. Teach our daughters that the deeper value of the body is not based on external beauty but on the character they develop. The body allows us a tangible way to live out our character. The body allows us to serve, care for, and comfort as well as rejoice with, celebrate, and connect with others. 
  6. Encourage involvement in sports. This can help a girl learn the joys of a body that is active and healthy.
  7. Practice gratitude for all our body allows us to do. (Read Thank You, Body with your daughter. Print it out & give her a copy so she can read to herself as often as she wants to.)

“Cheat Codes” for Dads of Daughters: TIME

If you play video games, you know the value of a good “cheat code.” “Cheat codes” help the player advance to a new level or gain a special power. Other “cheat codes” help the gamer obtain a special tool or weapon they need to succeed in the game.

If you’re a Dad of daughters, you probably feel like you need a “cheat code.” You want some inside information to help you move up to an advanced level of understanding or win points to deepen your relationship your daughter. You likely desire a “cheat code” for obtaining the special power needed to influence your daughter toward maturity.  If so, I have just what you’re looking for: “cheat codes” for dads raising daughters. 

The Cheat Code: Spend Time With Your Daughter.

Purpose: Spending Time With Your Daughter will…

  1. deepen your relationship with her,
  2. increase your understanding of her, and
  3. strengthen your influence with her.

Value: Why is spending time with your daughter important? Your daughter does not spell “love” with the letter “L.” She spells it with the letter “T” for T.I.M.E. Spending time with your daughter communicates your love for her. It increases her sense of value and self-worth.

Instructions: In order to communicate love effectively through time, you have to make some adjustments.

  1. Put down your cell phone.
  2. Turn off the TV. Quit reading the paper. Stop watching the game.
  3. Spend 20-30 minutes simply interacting with your daughter. You can do this by going for a walk with her or simply sitting down with her and talking. You could take a ride to the ice cream shop and talk over an ice cream cone. Let your creativity and your daughter’s interests guide the where and when of the conversation.
  4. Use your time to time to listen “twice as much as you talk.” Let her set the topic of conversation. If she does not initiate a topic, ask about her interests, her activities, her friends, or her dreams. Compliment some aspect of her that you admire.
  5. When she does bring up a topic, show interest. You may not really be interested in the “best color skirt” to wear to the dance or the ongoing saga of girl life in middle school. Show interest anyway. Ask a few questions. Be excited with her and mourn with her. Learn about how she thinks about everything. 
  6. As you spend time with your daughter, she will learn of her value. She will learn she is valuable enough to have your undivided attention for a period of time every day. You will also develop a stronger relationship with her…one that will last a lifetime.

Stay tune for more “cheat codes” to come!

A Mother-Daughter Relationship Boost

Watching my daughters grow up I noticed times when their relationship with their mother needed a boost.  You know the times—stressful times, times when everyone seems to be on edge. It happens to everyone. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to give them that boost. Now, thanks to research completed at the University of Illinois, we know at least one simple way to boost the mother-daughter relationship. In this particular study (Read the study at A Walk at the Mall or in the Park?), mothers and daughters (10-12 years-old) met on two separate occasions with researchers. On each occasion they engaged in attention-fatiguing activities (like solving math problems or completed word searches) while listening to loud construction music. Following this stress inducing activity, the researchers gave them a test of attention before sending them out for a walk together. One time, the mother-daughter pair walked in an indoor mall. On the other visit they walked in a nature arboretum. After each walk, the researchers interviewed the mother and the daughter. They tested their attention again. Then they videotaped the mother-daughter pair engaging in a game requiring them to work together. They discovered three results I find very interesting.

  1. The ability to focus and attend was restored significantly after the nature walk, but only for the mother. Both walking in nature and the mall restored the daughter’s attention. The lead researcher thought the daughter’s improved attention might have resulted from spending family leisure time with her mother. The ability to attend during interactions reduces conflict and increase feelings of closeness. It boosts the relationship.
  2. Both mother and daughter said the nature walk was more fun, relaxing, and interesting. Enjoying things together will boost your relationship.
  3. The nature walk also resulted in more positive interactions. The mother-daughter pair showed greater closeness and cohesion after the nature walk. They got along better after the nature walk compared to the mall walk. Walking in nature had a more positive impact on the relationship quality than walking in the mall.

So, if you’re feeling a strain in your mother-daughter relationship, go for a walk. Mothers invite your daughters. Daughters invite your mothers. For best results, go for a walk in a local park, through a neighborhood patch of woods, or maybe a local conservatory. Walk amidst the trees and flowers. Smell the fresh air.  Your ability to attend to one another will improve. You’ll relax and have fun. You’ll find yourself getting along better and feeling a greater sense of unity. In general, your relationship will get a boost!

PS—although this study was done with mother-daughter pairs, it will likely work with any parent-child relationship and even with your marriage. Give it a shot and let us know what you find out.

7 Lessons to Strengthen Our Daughters

Our daughters hear all the mixed messages society shouts out about femininity and the role of women. What they ultimately believe will be greatly influenced by their family. Even more, I believe fathers have a great responsibility to influence their daughter’s perception of what it means to be female and how to express their femininity in the world. The whole family needs to teach our daughters crucial lessons to clarify the mixed messages of society. Here are 7 lessons I think our daughters need to learn. 

  • Remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s words: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Even so, associate with friends who encourage and support you. Stay calm, state your point, and walk away from those who demean and belittle you. No need to throw your pearls before swine, they might just turn and try to trample you.”
  • Be mindful of what you communicate through your dress. I realize that others need not profile you based on your dress; but, let’s face it, they do. Whether you are male or female, people make assumptions about you based on your manner of dress. As they get to know you and your character those assumptions may change; but the initial impression can impact the chance of developing a relationship. So, let your true beauty be the inner beauty of a character—kindness, compassion, and morality—not the outward beauty that fades with time.
  • Look beyond the gossip. Be gracious and kind. When others gossip, you encourage. When others slander, you bless. When others demean, you show kindness. People are drawn to those who rise above the drama of backbiting and slander to engage others in ways that reveal respect and honor.
  • Recognize the power of your influence. Strength and influence flow from character, not smack talk, covert glances, or verbal assassinations. Let your inner strength of character shine forth in a power that reveals beauty, lights the way, and pushes the darkness of this world away.
  • Learn to be self-sufficient but never sacrifice your empathetic, nurturing, maternal role. Society desperately needs the keen sense of community, nurturing love, and relational justice unique to you as a woman…which brings me to the next lesson I believe important.
  • Great power lies in your femininity. As Michael Gurian notes, a woman is mother to her nuclear family, her extended family, and her community family. As such, you have great influence on your community and the future. Wield that influence wisely. Embrace your femininity and actively share it, not only with family but with the community at large.
  • Choose your spouse wisely. You are worthy of honor. You were made to be cherished. Choose a mate who will honor and cherish you. Whether male or female, a healthy marriage will increase your confidence, add to your happiness, and nurture your contentment and peace. A happy marriage makes us all better people. A healthy, intimate marriage brings heaven into your home.

Families desperately need to teach our daughters a strong message about the role of females in the world and the power of femininity. These seven lessons provide a starting point. What do you think our daughters need to learn?

A Father-Daughter Relationship Booster

The bond between a father and daughter is precious relationship. The father-daughter relationship brings one of the greatest joys a father will experience. It also brings many benefits to his daughter. A woman who had the joy of a positive father-daughter relationship experiences greater confidence. She is more likely to graduate from college and A father helps his daughter on the playgroundenter into a higher paying job traditionally held by males. She is less likely to become sexually active as a teen or experience teen pregnancy. When she marries, a daughter of an involved father is more likely to experience an intimate, fulfilling, long-lasting, and satisfying relationship. We could go on listing the positive effects of strong father-daughter relationship—like a daughter’s decreased chance of depression and greater satisfaction with her appearance–but, knowing the benefits of a strong father-daughter bond is only the beginning. What we really need to know is how to develop that strong bond? What can a father do to create the kind of father-daughter relationship that will increase the chance of his daughter receiving all these benefits? A professor and former graduate student from Baylor University have answered this question! They asked 43 fathers and 43 daughters (who were not related by the way) to pinpoint crucial moments of change in their father-daughter relationships. Remarkably, the fathers and daughters agreed as to the most important turning point in their relationships. Engaging in shared activities was the number one turning point in their relationship. Shared activities allowed fathers and daughters to develop a closer, more intimate relationship. It allowed them to spend time together and share something meaningful to both of them. Shared activities added meaning and joy to their relationship. Shared activities include everything from working together to church functions to extra-curricular activities, traveling together, working on school projects, and, the biggest one, sports.

There it is. The way to build a strong father-daughter relationship is through shared activities. What are you waiting for? Get out there and get involved in your daughter’s life. Do some work around the house or in the yard together. Volunteer together. Coach her softball team. Play chess. Go hunting. Take a trip. Spend time with your daughter doing something you will both enjoy. You will cherish those times forever and she will reap the benefits into adulthood!

A Message to Tell Our Daughters

I am a male. So I write this blog with great hesitation. But, I am also a father of two daughters. So, I feel compelled to pass this scientific finding on to my daughters…and all of you. An article in Medical News Today reported the results of a study analyzing the winners of the Darwin Awards (click here to read). The Darwin Awards “commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species’ chance of long-term survival.”  I have enjoyed reading the Darwin Awards. You can read the stories of several Darwin Award nominees on the Darwin Award website.

 

Sag die WahrheitA recent analysis examined the Darwin Award nominations of the past 20 years and found 332 independently verified and confirmed. Of those 332, only 318 involved individuals (14 involved joint male and female nominees). Of the 318 verified Darwin Awards, 282 were awarded to men. Only 36 were given to women. In other words, 88.7% of Darwin Awards are won by men! The authors believe this verified their hypothesis: “Men are idiots and idiots do stupid things.” Now you know why I hate reporting this information to you. But, I am the father of two daughters and I want them to be aware of the variety of males swimming in the dating pool. I want to warn them to choose carefully when looking for a date…and, even more significantly, when choosing a mate. In that dating pool, a percentage of males are idiots. Not all, mind you, but a portion. So, let us encourage our daughters to choose wisely!

 

Of course, you and I are not Darwin Award Nominees…and we live to proclaim this fact. We do not fall into the percentage of men who never have the opportunity to speak of how they won the Darwin Awards (you have to die to become a recipient). And, we want our daughters to choose men in their lives like us…non-recipients of the Darwin Award. With that in mind, let me share four ways you can encourage your daughters to choose a boyfriend (and eventually a husband) like you, a wise man who will never receive a nomination for a Darwin Award.

  1. Model wisdom. Think before you act. Practice restraint. Learn to seek out godly wisdom before making choices. Let your daughter witness you accepting your wife’s influence when making decisions that impact your family. The more she witnesses you living wisely, the less likely she is to date a Darwin Award nominee.
  2. Be involved in your daughter’s life. Women who have involved fathers show greater wisdom in choosing boyfriends and, eventually, a husband (click here to learn more). Daughters with a secure, supportive relationship with their father are less likely to experience teen pregnancy. They also tend to have romantic relationships that are more emotionally intimate and fulfilling. By remaining actively involved in your daughter’s life, you increase the chance that she will choose a wise mate…just like her Dad.
  3. Communicate with your daughter. Talk about the news. Learn about her interests. Tell her about your feelings, fears and hopes. Enjoy simple daily conversation about the little humdrum aspects of life, but don’t stop there. Take time to have intimate, heart-felt, vulnerable talks of life with her as well. Learn about her and let her learn about you. Open up and share. In doing so, your daughter will more likely avoid the Darwin Award nominee when choosing a man for her life.
  4. Meet your daughter’s boyfriends. Don’t let your daughter date the unknown boy. Have her bring him to the house. Invite him to dinner. Talk with him. Get to know him. Learn about his interests, strengths, and interests. Encourage him to think before acting. Assure him that you are actively involved in your daughter’s life and will remain her protector throughout her dating career. Just knowing you will be interacting with any boy she brings home will help her choose more wisely.

 

Fathers, we need to take a stand against the bad rap of this study. Those of us who make wise choices, and never win a Darwin Award, need to unite. We must protect our daughters from those men who might gain a nomination in their lifetime. Step up and model wisdom for your daughter. Remain involved in her life. Communicate intimately with her. Meet her boyfriends. Keep the Darwin Award out of the family!

Walking the Tightrope of Raising a Strong Daughter

Raising a daughter is a great joy and a great challenge…especially for a father. A father’s active involvement provides a key ingredient in helping his daughter grow into a woman of integrity, character, and confidence. Most fathers find active involvement in their daughter’s life comes with some challenges. Mark McMinn has identified 3 challenges every father will experience while parenting a daughter—three tightropes every father must navigate between “my little girl” and the mature woman she will become. These areas of tension provide fertile opportunities to grow a strong daughter.

 

First, fathers support their daughters and know when to let their daughters go. Our daughters desire an emotionally intimate relationship with us…and our daughters struggle for independence. Fathers walk the tightrope between both. On the one hand, we nurture an intimate relationship with our daughters by learning the language of emotions (something that does not come easily to men in our society). Rather than hiding behind our cultural training to “be tough,” we maintain our toughness to offer protection while developing our “softer side” of emotional expression. Doing so, we gain an emotionally open and intimate relationship with our daughter. We honor our daughters by spending time with them engaged in activities they enjoy. In a sense, we follow their lead as we participate with them in activities of their choosing. As we do, they often return the favor. On the other hand, we nurture independence by encouraging them to become involved in challenging activities. We lovingly step back and allow our daughters to take risks as they try new things and grow more independent of us. Any father who has dropped his daughter off at college has experienced the tension of letting go and encouraging her to take her next step in life while nurturing an intimate connection with her by expressing the complexity of emotions that accompany this event.

 

Second, fathers remain a loving authority in their daughter’s life while allowing her the “voice” to speak her mind. Fathers provide limits and boundaries to protect their daughters as they grow. As their daughters mature, fathers allow choices to replace directives. They allow their daughters to make choices and voice those choices. Wise fathers will even allow their daughters to experience the consequences of poor choices. A father may find his daughter saying “no” more often as she matures—not in a disrespectful way but in a growing independent way. She may say “no” to some of the father-daughter activities you enjoyed with her as a child. She may say “no” to an activity with you so she can enjoy an activity with her friends. Allowing her to say “no,” hearing and respecting the reason behind her “no,” and perhaps negotiation around the “no” helps her find her voice and learn to speak her mind respectfully. Discussing the reason behind her “no” encourages her to think for herself. Fathers also encourage independent thinking by listening to their daughters explain what interests them and what does not interest them.

 

Third, fathers tolerate the tension of disagreement with their daughters. If you have a child, you know that many opportunities will arise to disagree. Disagreement is good…frustrating, but good.  Disagreement allows our daughters to think for themselves. It provides us the opportunity to learn about our daughters by listening intently. Disagreement also provides the opportunity to teach respectful ways to voice our disagreement. A wise father will allow disagreement, even discuss the disagreement. During that discussion, a father can model respect. He can model how to disagree while keeping the relationship a priority.  One more thing…realize that some disagreements occur because of differences in maturity and experience. Do not expect your daughter to think like you—they lack the maturity and experience to do so. And, let’s face it, sometimes we are wrong and they are right. So, allow the disagreement. Allow them to think. Allow them to be right and accept it when you (the father) are wrong.

 

As you can see, walking the tightrope of raising a strong daughter provides a great challenge. But, we are men. We love a challenge. Step right up, enter the fray, and engage your daughter. Support her and let her grow up. Remain an authority in her life and allow her to speak her mind. Tolerate disagreements and even enter into the disagreement with her knowing she may teach you a thing or two. Most of all, love your daughter and show her the depth of your love every day!

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