Archive for April 30, 2017

What I Learned About Parenting Fixing My Wall

I had to fix a hole in our bathroom wall. The towel rack had pulled out leaving a hole; so I set about to fix it. Unfortunately, I am not a handy person. I did my best, but when I pulled the towel off the newly hung towel rack it pulled right out of the wall again…leaving an even bigger hole.  I followed the directions printed on the patch material I purchased. I asked the staff at the hardware store. With every “repair,” the hole grew larger. “One last time,” I thought. “I’ll try one more time.” So I stood at the store staring at the display of materials for patching a wall. I tried to reason through my experience to figure out my next step…my last step. An employee offered his explanation. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, “Already tried that…made the hole bigger.” After he left, another shopper said, “Hey buddy.” (I always wonder if something shifty is coming when I hear that.) “What that guy said…it won’t work. It’ll just make a bigger hole.” I knew that! He had my attention and continued, “I do this for a living and I’ll tell you exactly what to do.” He spent the next five minutes explaining how to fix the hole in my wall. He even drew a few simple diagrams. I went home with renewed hope and followed his instructions to the letter. The towel rack supported by the repaired wall is now the most secure towel rack in the bathroom.

I could not have fixed the towel rack and the hole in the wall without the help of that man. He met me at my level of knowledge and taught me. He gave me guidance, introducing ideas and concepts while remaining responsive to my questions. He was friendly and patient. I tell you all this because I learned four very important lessons about effective parenting from this one interaction with my “construction mentor.” Let me explain.

  1. The man waited until the employee had left and then spoke with me one-on-one. He was sure to have my full attention and he did not try to “correct” my difficulties in public. Effective parents also teach in private. Rather than “correct their children in public, they move to a private place and speak to their children one-on-one. They make sure they have their children’s full attention and speak to them one-on-one in a calm and respectful manner.
  2. The man saw my need for help patching a hole in the wall and hanging a towel rack. He didn’t just explain how to fix the hole in the wall but how to fix the hole AND make the spot strong enough to hold the towel rack. He didn’t teach me how to fix the toilet, either. He simply addressed the need I had at the moment. Effective parents meet their children’s need “at the moment.” When their children begin to whine, they explore the need rather than simply yelling at them for whining. There will still be time for teaching, but find out what your children need first and then respond to that When responding to your children, let them lead you to their need rather than deciding what they need.
  3. The man taught to my level. He even drew simple pictures I could take home with me. Those pictures really came in handy for my limited skill set. Effective parents meet their children at their children’s developmental level and skill ability. They do not expect a four-year-old to understand what a 12-year-old does. Nor do they assume their 12-year-old knows how to do something just because they’re twelve. Instead, effective parents teach their children how to do what they want done. They teach keeping the level of their children’s ability to understand in mind.
  4. The man allowed me to ask questions and made sure I understood his instructions. He trusted me to do the job after I had received his instructions. Effective parents allow their children to ask questions and effective parents trust their children to do the best they can.

A trip to the hardware store and a fallen towel rack resulted in my learning how to fix my wall and, more importantly, four great lessons to put into practice as a parent. Give these four tips a try with your children. They may end up being the most secure children on the block.

My Children are Copy Cats…Now What?

My father worked as a chaplain in a nursing home. I often volunteered there on Sundays. One Sunday, while walking down the hall, a patient said, “You walk just like your father.”

My daughter came home from college to tell a story about combing her hair (don’t worry, there’s a point). As she adjusted her bangs, she realized (much to her dismay) that she was adjusting her bangs “exactly like my dad does!”

The point is: children imitate their parents. They don’t even try. They just do it. From the mundane to the exceptional, the subtle to the obvious, children imitate their parents. What parent hasn’t experienced their four-year-old saying something at the most inopportune moment that highlights their keen observation skills and unparalleled ability to imitate our behaviors? We often tell funny and embarrassing stories about such moments; but, why not use this phenomenon to our advantage? If our children are going to be copy cats, why not give them something good to copy?  For instance, I would love it if the copy cats in my house would copy these behaviors.

  1. Thanking the person who prepared the food and complimenting them about something they prepared.
  2. Saying a prayer before each meal and at bedtime.
  3. Turning off the TV, video game, or social media and giving your full attention to your spouse, child, or parent when they talk to us.
  4. Offering sincere compliments to your spouse, children, and parents.
  5. Laughing often.
  6. Practicing polite acts of kindness such as holding the door open for other people.
  7. Offering to get another person a snack or drink.
  8. Rinsing your dish and putting it in the dishwasher. Unloading the dishwasher without complaining.
  9. Doing every household chore with a smile and a sense of gratitude.
  10. Treating cashiers, clerks, wait staff, and others with polite respect.
  11. Calmly discussing what upsets you rather than “flying off the handle” or “freaking out.”
  12. Trying something new like a new food or a new activity.
  13. Really listening.
  14. Stopping to smell the roses, watching the sunset, listening to the music, or some other activity in which you appreciate beauty. Sharing it with your family.

That’s 14 behaviors the little copy cats can copy all they want! But, that does mean we have to practice them. What other behaviors do you want your little copy cats to copy?

Why Thank Your Spouse for Doing Chores?

I’ve heard it a thousand times (well, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I have heard it a lot!): “Why should I thank her for doing what she’s supposed to do?” Or, “I’m not going to thank him for doing what a man’s supposed to do!” Or, “Why should I thank him for taking out the garbage when I cook the meals, clean the house, and do the dishes!” The short answer is because it’s polite and it will encourage them to do more.  But, that answer is incomplete and short-sighted. Let me explain what I feel is a more compelling answer.

We all want to feel appreciated, especially by our family. Thanking our spouse for doing some routine, expected chores gives them the gift of feeling appreciated. Appreciation is a gift of love you give your spouse. But wait…that’s not all. There are even BETTER REASONS to appreciate your spouse!

A series of studies from the University of Massachusetts (click here to read the studies) explored the impact of appreciation in romantic relationships. They looked at two types of behaviors, each involving an expenditure of time, effort, and resources to meet the needs of a one’s partner or home. One type of behavior involved “partner favors,” behaviors engaged in directly for your spouse. The second type of behavior involved “family chores,” the mundane, tedious tasks not done directly for your spouse but still needing done. “Family chores” included activities like cleaning the bathroom, paying the bills, or taking out the garbage. In a series of studies and questionnaires, the researchers asked couples how often the engaged in specific “partner favors” and “family chores,” how appreciated they felt, and how satisfied they were in their marriage. The couples’ answers revealed some surprising results.

  1. When a person felt appreciated for doing the mundane, tedious “family chores,” the chore became more of a “want to do” activity rather than a “should do” activity. People crave appreciation so much that even mundane tasks become more desirable when we know our spouse will appreciate them. Chores become a positive investment in the relationship, not just another tedious job. As a result, the appreciated person is more likely to keep doing chores…and to do them happily!
  2. Appreciation for “family chores” led to greater relationship satisfaction. When “family chores” were appreciated, couples described their relationship as more satisfying and intimate.

Put these two points together and you find that appreciating our spouse sets a positive cycle in motion. The doer feels appreciated and the chore takes on new meaning. It becomes a positive investment in the relationship. Rather than another tedious task, it is an expression of love sown into the relationship. The doer then desires to do more chores, to sow more love into the relationship of appreciation. The appreciator delights in a helpful spouse. They enjoy a spouse who participates in maintaining the household and becomes even more appreciative as a result. When both spouses become doers and appreciators, you create a cyclone of appreciation pulling your marriage toward greater levels of mutual appreciation and joyous service.

So, why thank your spouse for doing chores? To create a cyclone of appreciation, an environment of joyous service and mutual gratitude! Sounds like a pretty sweet spot, doesn’t it? Get the cyclone of appreciation started today by simply voicing your appreciation for the chores your spouse has done.

Old School Romance With Surprising Benefits

Don’t have a lot of money? Wonder how to put a little romance in your marriage when you can’t afford a dozen roses, a fancy dinner out, or a movie and popcorn? Well, go “old school.” “Old school” romance often costs very little and still packs a punch! In fact, this “old school” romance tip will only cost you time and attention; but, in spite of the low cash expenditure, the dividends are amazing. It’s really simple, too. What is it? Go for a walk. Hold hands and go for a walk. Seriously…check out these surprising ways in which going for a walk can benefit your marriage.

  1. Going for a walk will increase symptoms of physiological arousal, symptoms like a slightly racing pulse, a subtle shortness of breath, and, if you walk up a hill or at a brisk pace, a minor case of the sweaty palms. These symptoms mirror the symptoms of romantic attraction. At least one classic study (Read the abstract here) suggests we attribute symptoms of physiological arousal to romantic attraction under the right circumstances. Walking with your spouse presents those “right circumstances.” So, going for a walk can make you “fall in love” all over again.
  2. Walking together helps increase the bond you share with your spouse. You and your spouse have to match pace to walk together. Couples tend to subconsciously mimic their partner’s steps and pace. In doing so, you increase your sense of attunement with your spouse (See Mimicry in Social Interactions for more). More attuned leads to a deeper bond; a deeper bond leads to greater intimacy in your marriage.
  3. If you decide to increase your walk to a more challenging run or ballroom dance, you may find even more romantic benefits. Researchers discovered the physiological arousal of “invigorating activities” engaged in together led to greater feelings of satisfaction and romantic attraction (For more click here). In other words, your marriage becomes more satisfying and more intimate. Sounds good to me!
  4. You will also get in better shape. Exercise is good for us. And, let’s face it; we are attracted to those who take the time to increase their physical health.
  5. Don’t forget…you also increase your intimacy by interacting with one another as you walk. Talking to one another. Tell one another about your day. Share your thoughts and feelings. Talk about the news. Talk about your dreams. Each discussion increases your feelings of love and connection.

See what I mean. That “old school” romance got it going on! You can renew your sense of romance, build a closer bond, get in shape, and share intimate conversation all with this one “old school” romance activity. So, grab your spouse by the hand and get on out there and take a walk.  Oh, but before you do, enjoy this “old school” song that talks about the joys of “walking” together.

Encouraging Your Teen to Talk with You

Teens are notoriously secretive. But, your actions will encourage or minimize their secretiveness. It’s true. You can take certain actions that will encourage your teen to talk with you. In fact, put these five actions into practice to increase your teen desire to talk with you.

  1. Listen. Perhaps the greatest gift you can give your teen (or anyone for that matter) is the gift of truly listening. Listen with your ears to hear the words. Listen with your eyes to hear the body language. Listen with your heart to hear the emotions that lay beneath the surface. Listen intently to understand. Listen with the goal of understanding to the point of emotional connection. Don’t worry about an answer. Just LISTEN.
  2. Ask more than tell. Part of listening well is asking questions. Ask questions to assure you understand what your teen means to say. Then, ask questions that can prompt your teen to think about situations and circumstances in new ways. Ask questions to determine what they already know; and, ask questions to help them delve more deeply into areas in which they are gaining knowledge and experience. They will learn more if given the opportunity to think and process than from a lecture or explanation.
  3. Give them space to grow. Your teen is becoming an individual with his own personality, desires, goals, and values. He needs space to go through this stage successfully. He needs opportunity for self-reflection and exploration. He needs the freedom to talk with other people—peers and other trusted adults. Give him the space and freedom to do so. And create an environment where your teen has the opportunity to talk with you, where talking to you comes naturally. For instance, create a calm and enjoyable family dinner time, create opportunities for family activities, and create times in which you are together in nonthreatening situations such as driving to and from practices. In these nonthreatening environments, your teen has the opportunity to talk. When he does, refer to bullets number one and two.
  4. Accept disagreement. Your teen is developing her own mind, her own personality, her own perspective. Allow her to disagree with you on certain topics. In the long run, she can disagree on how to take out the garbage or comb her hair. She can even disagree with you in her political views. She can have different interests and perspectives. After all, you have spent years encouraging her to become “her own person,” encourage her to do so now by leaving room for disagreement.
  5. Stay open and accept moments of silence. Teens naturally go through periods of silence with their parents. Accept it; BUT, stay open for moments when they choose to talk. If they know you are available they will choose to talk with you…and they often want to at what we perceive as the most inopportune moments. They need to know you value them above whatever else may be important to you. So, when they choose to talk with you, enjoy the moment. Put down the paper. Turn down the TV. Pause the game. They are more important. Give them your full attention and listen.

Practicing these five tips will encourage more conversation between your teen and you. You will enjoy the opportunity of a growing relationship with your teen!

Are You Teaching Your Teen to NOT Talk with You?

Most parents want their teens to talk with them. They long for intimate conversations and fun interactions with their teen. But, teens are notoriously secretive.  They are becoming their own person and may avoid talking about certain things with mom and dad. When all is said and done, however, teens really do want a relationship with their parents. They want to talk with their mom and dad. They don’t want to “be talked at” or “talked down to,” but they do want to “talk with” their parents. Unfortunately, parents may respond to their teen in

ways that teach their teen NOT to talk to them. They may actually encourage greater silence and secretiveness in their teen by responding to their teen in certain ways. For instance, here are five ways parents can inadvertently increase their teen’s secretiveness.

  • Making mountains out of mole hills. If everything becomes a big deal when your teen approaches you, they will talk less. Our teen is less likely to approach us when we respond with statements like “I can’t believe…” or “What were you thinking?” or “Why would you…?” or “You know better than….” These responses may cause your teen to feel inadequate and unaccepted. Also, if we yell and get upset when our teen tells us something, they begin to believe their actions and emotions overwhelm us. They may stop talking to us in an attempt to protect us from becoming overwhelmed. I’ve heard many teens say, “I can’t talk to my Mom. It’s too much for her. She just can’t handle it.”  Making mountains out of mole hills will push your teen into silence around you, especially when an important issue arises.
  • Giving your teen only partial attention. Our teens crave our attention. They don’t admit it, but it’s true. They want our approval. They long for our recognition. If we focus on the TV or the paper or a video game when they want to talk with us, they will give up and quit trying to talk with us. When we divide our attention between them and the football game or them and “Candy Crush” they will decide we do not value them. They will give up seeking our advice and become more secretive. If you want your teen to talk to you more, give them your full attention.
  • Not keeping their confidence. I have seen too many examples of parents talking about their teen’s difficulties on Facebook or with friends in public places. Why would a teen talk with a parent who does not keep their confidence? Would you talk to someone if you feared they would spread your “dirty laundry” all over the neighborhood…or internet? Learn to keep your teen’s confidence. Be faithful and confidential.
  • Giving lots of lectures. Our teens really don’t like lectures. Do you? Their eyes glaze over and they tune out. They hear the sound of Charlie Brown’s teachers: “Wa wa wa wa wa.” They focus on how irritating the lecture is. Lectures just don’t work. Keep it short and sweet. Better yet, listen! Then, after you have listened, listen some more!
  • Pushing them to talk. You really can’t push your teen to talk with you. The more you push, the more they dig in and refuse to talk. In addition, your teen is going through a developmental stage of “differentiation.” They are separating from you as their parent and becoming “their own person.”  This demands a lot of self-reflection and exploration. They naturally become quieter in regards to their parents. Parents actually find the most conversation with their teen occurs when they can accept the changing relationship and periods of silence. So, quit “badgering” your teen to talk and simply provide a safe and supportive environment where talking comes natural. Don’t worry, in a safe and supportive environment you will find your teen slowly opens up.

These five actions will push your teen toward silence and secretiveness. But, they also give you a hint about ways of getting them to open up and talk more.  Don’t miss next week’s blog in which we will look at actions you can take to encourage your teen to talk with you.

Simple, Every Day Marriage Boosters

Marital intimacy is built upon simple everyday activities. Here are a few of those simple every day activities you can use to strengthen your marriage.

  • Hold hands every day. Hold hands while you take a walk. Hold hands while you watch TV. Hold hands while you sit together. Hold hands every chance you get.
  • Give one another a 10 second hug when you get home at the end of the day… or when you leave at the start of the day… or both!
  • Kiss one another every day. Give a kiss good-bye, a kiss hello, a kiss just to kiss. Give a simple peck on the cheek or give a 10-second kiss…or just sit down and kiss as long as you want.
  • Say kind words to one another. “Good morning.” “Good night.” “I love you.” “Have a good day.” Offer a compliment. Say “Thank you.”  Don’t forget to say “You’re welcome,” too.
  • Do a project together. For instance, make dinner together. Do yardwork together. You might even do a little home remodeling.
  • Do kind things for one another. Hold the door open and let your spouse go first. Do an extra chore around the house. Make the bed. Give your spouse a simple gift. Let your spouse have the last piece of pie.
  • Text your spouse to see how he or she is doing. Or, text them to ask about some special appointment in their life. Text them to say how much you love them. You get the idea. Text them to spread a little love.
  • Tell your spouse one thing you appreciate about them every day.
  • Bring home a small gift for your spouse. It doesn’t need to be a big gift. If your spouse likes a certain candy bar, bring one home. If they like a particular kind of gum, bring home a pack. Buy a card and write a note of appreciation in it before giving it your spouse. Of course, there are always flowers too.
  • Resolve disagreements and arguments as they occur and as quickly as possible.

You can carry out these simple activities on a daily basis and each one will strengthen your marriage and increase intimacy with your spouse.

The Family Conundrum We All Face

The Journal of Consumer Research recently published a series of studies exploring the connection between leisure time, busyness, and status (Lack of Leisure: Is Busyness the New Status Symbol). The authors found busyness associated with a perception of high status in the United States. In other words, the busier a person’s life, the more important his he is in the eyes of his peers. In addition, using products and services that “showcase one’s busyness” (like online shopping and grocery deliver) made people appear more important, more in demand, and thus of higher status. So, if you want people to see you as important, keep busy.

The World Leisure Journal, on the other hand, published a study suggesting leisure time spent with family at home was a significant “predictor of happiness for families” (Pleasant Family Leisure at Home May Satisfy Families More Than Fun Together Elsewhere, Study Finds). Taken together, these two studies raise an interesting conundrum for many families. Success and status are associated with busyness; but family joy and intimacy is associated with leisure time spent as a family. And, if you haven’t noticed, our families are caught right in the middle of this dilemma. Children and teens live busy lives. They rush from one activity to another, participating in one program after another program so they can build a resume with enough “status” to impress any university of their choosing. They become so busy that parents rush through the drive-thru to order dinner on their way to the next activity. Parents are not immune from their own busyness either. They not only rush the children around; they also take on more assignments at work to increase their status and reputation in hopes of getting the promotion and the raise that will fund their family’s hectic lifestyle. Status for children pursued through involvement in multiple activities. Status for parents rests on busy children and is further pursued through busyness at work and community involvement. The whole family achieves the status of importance and “in demand” but forfeits family joy and intimacy. Family joy and intimacy requires leisure time spent together as a family. Family happiness grows slowly in the soil of leisure time spent talking, laughing, and sharing together.

These two studies really do present a conundrum for the average family. Finding the balance is not simple. I guess we have to ask ourselves a question: “What is more important to me and my family, status or family happiness?” Then choose your lifestyle accordingly…for “what does it profit a man if he gains reputation and status but loses his own family along the way.”

How to Avoid the “Failure to Launch” Syndrome

Parents love to see their preschooler exploring the world around them. We encourage our children to engage in exploration and play. Rightly so…such exploration helps them discover their interests and strengths during elementary school, their passion and identity during their teen years, and their vocation and independence in young adulthood. Exploring is crucial to healthy developmental in each age group. And, if you really think about it, it requires a great deal of courage for our children to explore the world and “become their own person.” Unfortunately, many parents unwittingly embezzle their children’s innate courage, robbing them of the grit and determination needed to develop healthy independence. Don’t embezzle your children’s innate courage, invest in it and nurture it with these four tips.

  1. Accept your children’s unique style of exploration. I have two daughters. One jumps into new activities and experiences. The other wades in slowly, first one toe and then another before her whole foot slips in. Then she slowly (sometimes painfully slowly) wades further in until she is fully immersed. (She takes after me, by the way.) Eventually, both daughters become fully immersed in an adventure, but they required different kinds of support and encouragement. One needed encouragement to “think before she leaps.” The other needed a hand, support, and even a gentle nudge at times. As young adults, they still have different styles and ways of approaching new experiences; but both of them have become independent and capable of courageous exploration. Accepting each child’s unique style of exploration and nurturing it in a complementary manner allows your child to explore courageously.
  2. Observe before removing obstacles. Our children will encounter obstacles, problems, and frustrations along the way. It is inevitable. Do not jump in to help too quickly. Step back for a moment and observe. Watch them to see how they respond to the obstacle. Give them the opportunity to solve the problem on their own. Watch a preschooler with a toy and you will see them try several actions with it before settling for the one that seems most appropriate. Let your elementary age children and your teens do the same with challenges that arise. Let them struggle with various attempts to solve the problem before you offer a suggestion. You might be pleasantly surprised at the creative solution they discover. (More on “stepping back” in Do Your Rob Your Teen of Victory?)
  3. Teach problem-solving. Of course, our children will not have the ability and knowledge to solve every problem that arises. So, when they come to you for help or you see them reach an impasse, teach them problem-solving. Teach problem solving rather than simply solving the problem for them. Ask questions about what they have done and why it did not work. Ask questions to prompt other ways of looking the problem and thus give rise to a potential solution. Help them look at the obstacle from various perspectives and points of view. Come up with three or four possible solutions and let them choose which one they will try first. Learning the process of problem-solving gives children the confidence they need to courageously explore the world around them.
  4. Acknowledge effort and reframe failures as learning. Children become more willing to explore when they know that effort produces success and failure is simply a step toward success. So, acknowledge and praise children’s effort. When they do make a mistake or fail, return to step three and teach problem-solving. Effort and problem-solving opens up a world of possibility and emboldens exploration. (Read Growing Your Child’s Mind for Success for more.)

These four tips can help increase our children’s courage to explore…and that can help us avoid the “failure to launch” syndrome as they mature. It will also give you the pleasure of watching your child explore the world with confidence and, in so doing, grow more independent and mature.