Tag Archive for self-image

What a Newborn Taught Me About Family

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I find it absolutely amazing! When only days old, a newborn can differentiate the smell of their mother from other women. At birth, they recognize their parent’s voice and will turn toward their parent’s voice rather than the voice of another adult. On the other hand, a newborn’s eyesight is poor. They can only see well at a distance of 8-10 inches. Still, they gaze…and when they gaze, we gaze back. We love to move in close to our baby’s face and gaze into their eyes. And, while mother and child gaze into one another’s eyes, they are building a bond. Amazing, right? Even more amazing, 8-10 inches (the distance a newborn can see well) is the distance between a nursing child and her mother’s face. While nursing, a child rests the perfect distance from her mother’s face to gaze into her eyes…helping to nurture that relational bond. What an amazing design!
 
As babies get a little older, they begin to “coo.” When a baby coos, everyone in the room, especially women, stop their conversation and move toward the baby…relationships are encouraged. I find all this amazing. A baby’s physical senses, her reflexes, and her actions draw her into relationship with other people and, even more, encourages that relationship to grow. Even the simple, natural act of nursing a baby encourages and enhances a relationship that is supported by the baby’s unique sense of taste, smell, and vision as well as her inherent reflexes. What an awesome design! Why do I share this? Because I believe that this design points out the primacy of relationships between a child and parent.
 
Parents spend the first year of their baby’s life holding their baby, feeding their baby, and showering their baby with love…in other words, enhancing a relationship with their baby. Of course, relationships do not stop after that first year. We continue to nurture relationships with our children throughout our life. As we do, the parent-child relationship becomes foundational to all other parent-child interactions, whether focused on fun or discipline. The parent-child relationship even empowers the parent and the child. Consider the power of the parent-child relationship.
     ·         The parent-child relationship lays the foundation that allows a parent to effectively instill values into their child’s life and it frees the child to internalize those values.

·         Limit-setting and discipline becomes most effective within a strong, loving relationship.

·         Children who have a strong, loving relationship with their parent are more invested in keeping the rules their parents have established.

·         Children with a history of strong, loving relationships internalize positive rules and values from their family.

·         Children and teens who have experienced strong, loving family relationships have a better self-image. They come to believe in their own sense of worth and adequacy. They will more likely develop a humble self-confidence.

·         Teens who experience a strong, loving relationship with parents tend to engage in less oppositional behavior (notice only “less oppositional behavior” not “no oppositional behavior”).

·         Young adults who have had a strong, loving relationship with their parent will find it easier to leave home at the appropriate time to “start their own life.” They feel more secure in their ability to successfully navigate the adult world.

·         Children who experience strong, loving relationships with their parents are more likely to have healthy friendships and healthy romantic interests as adults.
 
Perhaps that is one of the messages God has intended for us to learn from newborns and infants: Strong, loving relationships within the family are foundational to all other aspects of family. Our very design is geared toward relationship and our very lives are shaped by relationship. We begin those relationships even before a child is born. We nurture those relationships from the time our child is conceived. And, we continue growing those relationships throughout our lives!
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Parents, Are You Involved or Over-Involved?

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I recently read an article (Welcome to the Age of Overparenting) in which the reader was asked to recall their happiest childhood moments. Think about those moments. How many of them included adults? Interestingly, the majority of our happy childhood moments did not include adults. They were not scheduled or orchestrated by our parents; they did not involve a coach; they were not part of an organized group outing. Most of our happiest childhood moments involved spontaneous activities engaged in during our free time. Notice, these happy moments involved:
     1.      Unstructured time in which we were free to do whatever we wanted. In fact, these times may have started out with our feeling bored and looking for something to do.
     2.      Unsupervised time. These happy moments were times of our own making, not the making of an adult. The times and the experiences were completely our own, not our parents’.
 
In today’s world, parents carefully orchestrate their child’s involvement in a variety of activities in order to provide them a multitude of experiences that will “enhance their college opportunities and lead to a more fulfilling life.” But, when do our children enjoy unstructured, unsupervised time of their own making? After all, those times became some of our most enjoyable memories and learning experiences. While we do not want to abandon our children or leave them unsupervised in dangerous situations, we might need to allow them some freedom to explore the world without our constant protection, direction, and involvement. Maybe we need to park our helicopters in the yard and stop hovering 24/7. Why?
  • Micromanaging undermines self-esteem. We cannot rescue our child’s self-esteem by jumping in to save them from a difficult task as soon as we see them begin to struggle. We hinder their self-esteem by constantly watching over their shoulder and praising them for every little problem they solve, whether it was difficult or not. That type of micromanaging backfires in the development of self-esteem. To develop a strong self-image, children need to work hard and experience the benefits of that hard work. They need to experience failure and work through it. They need to pick themselves up and realize that they can go on in spite of the momentary setbacks we mislabel as failure. When parents recognize and acknowledge their child’s hard work, self-esteem improves. When parents acknowledge that their child worked hard in spite of setbacks, children develop persistence…and persistence leads to success. Success leads to self-esteem.
  • Free, unstructured, and unsupervised play allows children the opportunity to learn how to negotiate with others and how to control their emotions. Children learn that they cannot always get their way. They will not always have adults to negotiate for them. Parents will not always be available to protect them from being overlooked or spoken to harshly. Parents will not always be available to resolve the conflicts that arise. Unstructured play without parental involvement allows children the opportunity to learn to compromise, negotiate, resolve conflicts, and stick up for themselves. Children who engage in unstructured, unsupervised play learn how to be independent.
  • Free, unstructured time also allows children to create their own fun. They learn to manage their own time and manufacture their own activities. One study actually suggested that children at a local playground were 45 percent less active when a parent was present. They engaged in less physical play, taking away the opportunity for natural exercise, exploration, and typical growth and development. On the other hand, as children devise their own games and orchestrate their own activities, the activity becomes their own. They unwittingly take more pride in the it and engage in that activity more vigorously. The end result is healthy exercise, maturing social skills, growing self-esteem, and a positive memory that will last a lifetime.
One of the most difficult tasks parent face today is allowing their child the opportunity to engage the world on their own. As children engage the world on their own, they will experience hurt feelings; they will struggle to resolve relational conflict; they will even engage in some risky activities and go places we do not know about. But, as they have these rich experiences, they will become more independent. They will grow more confident. They will develop and mature. When they go to college, they will have a better sense of how to manage their time and resist the pressures inherent in that transition. As adults, they will have the happy memories of childhood experiences they call their own…completely their own. They will have become mature, responsible adults.
Posted in Grace, Honor tagged with , , , ,

7 Crucial Lessons for Children to Learn

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What do you want your children to know 15-20 years from now? What kind of adult would you like them to become? I believe there are at least 7 crucial lessons for children to learn before they become adults. Maybe you will agree with them…or, maybe you have different lessons you’d like your children to learn.  Let me explain them to you. As I do, remember children learn best by watching our example. If you want your children to learn these lessons, start practicing them yourself. Walk the talk. Live out each lesson in the presence of your children. Lead the way. Let them see you practice them so they can follow in your footsteps. Break through the overgrowth of obstacles that interfere with your children learning these lessons and clear the way for them to practice each one. Anyway, here are 7 crucial lessons for each child to learn.
 
     1.      Love others. Make other people a priority in your life. If you have two coats and your friend has none, give them your extra. Celebrate when other people experience success, even if their success means you finish second. Pocket your pride and put others first. Love in word and deed.

2.      Be your own person—the person God created you to be. You do not have to be one of the crowd. Stand out instead. Allow yourself to be set apart from the crowd. Say “No” to peer pressure. It may be difficult at first, but the long-term benefits include an increase in personal strength, confidence, and wisdom.

3.      Practiced an “attitude of gratitude” every day. Take time to acknowledge the blessings you have. No matter how little you may have compared to your friends, acknowledge the material blessings you do have and show a humble gratitude for those blessings. Even more important, recognize kindnesses from other people. True wealth is not material in nature but relational. Celebrate the abundant relational wealth found in your spouse, children, brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. Take the time to thank the people in your life for all they do for you on a daily basis. Offer thanks for all things—from the seemingly small, insignificant acts to large, life-altering acts.

4.      Accept the consequences of your actions. All actions have consequences, good or bad. Think ahead. Consider the consequences of your actions before you act. And, when all is said and done, accept those consequences. If you make a poor decision or act badly, accept the consequences. Do not balk. We reap what we sow. When you make a wise decision and reap the benefits, accept the consequences. There is no embarrassment in success, even if others become jealous or upset. Enjoy the positive consequences of positive choices and actions.

5.      Remain curious enough to be awed. Never lose the willingness to stand in awe and admiration of a sunset, a majestic mountain, an amazing musical performance, an awesome movie, an astounding talent, a beautiful piece of poetry, or any number of other things. Allow yourself tears of joy, tears of sorrow, and tears of overwhelming awe. Look for those things of beauty found in nature and people or in things created by other people. Remain curious.

6.      Stay humble enough to learn. When you meet people, remain humble enough to learn from them. Ask them questions. People, all people, have amazing things to teach us. You never know what others have experienced and learned unless you ask. Take the time to ask, listen, and learn.

7.      Know God. In all these lessons, look for God. He is everywhere around us. Remain open to seeing Him in the world around us, hearing Him in the voices of those around you, and experiencing His loving presence and guidance in the everyday moments of your life. Seek Him daily, follow Him diligently, and love Him with abandon. 
 
I hope my children learn these lessons as they grow up. And, I hope them learn them from me as their parent. What lessons would you like your children to learn? Please share your ideas in the comment section below.
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Family Identity: You Get What You Give

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I just finished reading a section of Compassion (Nouwen, McNeill, and Morrison) in which the authors offered an interesting reflection on self-image. They believe that competition forms the basis of our self-image and motivation in our current society. Ask school officials, coaches, bosses, or media reporters what defines a person and they will likely say that “you are the difference you make.” We define ourselves by our differences, our distinctions…those things that others recognize and honor or reject and dislike; those things that make us different and distinct from others. Our self-image, in other words, is shaped by how we compare to others. Unfortunately, this also creates distance between people and competition among friends and family for recognition.
 
The authors go on to offer an alternative basis for self-image: compassion. When compassion forms our self-image, our identity becomes based on what we receive from others rather than how we compare to others. I like that idea. I think our identity is based on what we receive from others, especially what we receive from family. Consider what we receive from family and how it impacts our identity. On the one hand,
If we receive anger, we become angry and defensive.
If we receive ridicule, we become sarcastic and rude.
If we receive conditional acceptance, we become competitive and insecure.
If we receive constant comparisons, we become competitive and jealous.
If we receive harsh treatment, we become harsh.
If we receive inconsistent attention, we become attention seeking.
If we receive disrespect, we become disrespectful.
If we receive everything we want, we become entitled.
 
On the other hand,
If we receive love, we become lovable.
If we receive grace, we become gracious.
If we receive encouragement, we become encouragers.
If we receive unconditional acceptance, we become accepting and secure.
If we receive loving praise, we become persistent.
If we receive support, we become supportive.
If we receive empathy, we become empathetic.
If we receive respect, we become respectful.
If we receive loving discipline, we become self-disciplined.
 
That leads to a very important question: what does your family receive from you? After all, what they receive, they become.
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Lets Hear It For Dad!

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If you were to judge fatherhood by watching sitcoms, you might think fathers are easily replaced. Sitcoms present fathers as having a self-absorbed teenage mentality of fun and games, unable to make a mature choice for their family. They are “bumbling ninnies” acquiescing to their wives because they have no idea how to help their family, men who embarrass their children and frustrate their wives. However, research paints a very different picture of fathers, one that reveals the positive contributions that fathers make to family life. Let me share just a few highlights.
·         Fathers provide confidence. When fathers remain actively involved in family life, especially with their children, they provide a mother with greater confidence in her ability to parent. That’s right, rather than leading to frustrated mothers, hands-on fathers contribute to a mother’s confidence in her own ability to parent. Fathers not only contribute to a mother’s confidence, they contribute to their children’s confidence as well. Fathers provide children with the confidence to step out into the world away from home–the world of work, social interaction, and school. Children who have the support of an active father respond more confidently to complex, novel situations and exhibit more confidence in exploring the world beyond their immediate home.
·         Fathers are playful adventurers who provide hands-on, rough and tumble play. They playfully wrestle, tickle, run, throw, and push their children in a very different way than a mother. They teach their children a playful curiosity as they talk about those topics mom would rather not hear. In the midst of this play, fathers teach their children self-control. They teach them to calm upsetting emotions and manage anger in constructive ways. They teach them that losing and winning demand decorum and sportsmanship. This self-control extends from play to life as fathers encourage their children to stretch their limits by engaging in activities outside of their comfort zone. They support their children in these endeavors. Each time their child accomplishes some difficult task, a father proudly acknowledges the accomplishment. The playful adventurer in each father teaches their child self-control that leads to less impulsivity and greater empathy for others. Father’s also provide playful adventures that lead to a child’s willingness to try new things, better tolerate stress and frustration, and exhibit greater resilience in stressful situations.
·         Fathers are problem-solvers as well. Let’s face it—men like solutions. They teach those problem-solving skills to their children. Father’s encourage children to persist in the face of difficulties, finding solutions and answers. They support their children in seeking solutions to problems. This can lead to better attitudes about school, stronger educational achievement, and greater career success as well as a better ability to tolerate stress and frustration.
·         Fathers provide loving limits. Loving limits provide a sense of security in a child’s life. Loving limits provide a child with a sense of security. Children who have a father that maintains loving limits develop greater empathy for others. They also learn how to assert themselves in a healthy way. Loving limits eventually become internalized to provide a sense of personal control that allows for responsible action. A father’s loving limits provides a child with security, personal control, empathy, and a healthy sense of personal boundaries.  
 
Sitcoms may portray fathers as “bumbling ninnies,” but life calls fathers to become supportive, playful adventurers who provide loving limits, security, and problem-solving skills. Fathers are not a simple accessory that is nice to have; they are an asset…a necessity. Every child deserves one…every child needs one. So, let’s hear it for Dad!
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The Mirror in a Parent’s Eye

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“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” That’s the question of fairy tales. In real life, children ask, “Mirror, mirror in your eyes, am I worthy of your love?” and “Mirror, mirror in your eyes, please accept me-call me fine?” Children do not look at a mirror on a wall to determine their worth, they look into their parents’ eyes. They find their worth, lovability, and acceptance in the image they see reflected back to them from their parents. The reflection they see of themselves in our eyes becomes their personal identity.
 
·         Do your children look into your eyes and see disapproval and disregard more often than admiration? If so, they will come to believe they have no value, nothing to admire.
·         Do your children feel disrespected and ignored by you more often than adored by you? If so, they will come to see themselves as disrespected and disrespectful.
·         Do they see you avoid them or mock them more often than you praise them and compliment them? If so, they will come to see themselves as worthless.
·         Do your children see you spend more time with Sunday afternoon football or the Sunday paper than you spend with them? If so, they will see themselves as second rate and unacceptable.
 
If we want our children to see themselves as acceptable, valuable, beautiful, or lovable, the first step is to assure them that we see and treat them as acceptable, valuable, beautiful, and lovable. When our children look into the mirrors of our eyes, they need to see us reflect back delight, acceptance, pride, and an abiding love. Are the mirrors of your eyes polished and clear? Do they reflect the image you want your child to become? Here are nine suggestions to help you reflect a healthy image to your child.
      1.      Reflect caring for yourself. Get enough rest and eat a healthy diet. Living a healthy lifestyle assures that you have the energy and strength to reflect a healthy image of your child.
      2.      Reflect delight for your child. Remember how you felt at the moment of your child’s birth? Remember the delight and awe you experienced as a new life, your child, entered into the world? Recall that emotion and delight. Think about how much your child means to you. Consider the strengths and talents they possess. Allow yourself to remain awed at their life and abilities.
      3.      Reflect interest in your child. When they come home from school, look up from the computer and greet them. Ask about their day. Let them see the sparkle of delight in your eyes as they tell you about their day.
      4.      Reflect pride in your child. Compliment them on a job well-done. Acknowledge their courage when they behave well in spite of peer pressure. Recognize the times that they obey you, especially when they disagree with the rule (such as curfew or “lights out”). Admire their character every chance you get.
5.      Reflect respect for your child. Make requests that include “please.” Offer a “thank you” when they complete a chore or get something you ask them to get. Remember to say “you’re welcome” when they express thanks to you. Open doors and let your children go through first. Listen respectfully. Speak graciously. 
6.      Reflect value for your child. Keep your promises. Let your child know that you value them enough to give them your time and attention. Pick them up without complaining after they spend time at a friend’s home. Have their friends over to your house and give them a snack.
7.      Reflect admiration for your child. Verbally express your love for your child. Say “I love you” sincerely and often. Admire your child’s beauty. Let them know that you believe they are attractive and point out one or two features you find most attractive.
8.      Reflect a belief in your child’s potential.  Tell them that you believe in them. Encourage them in their academics, hobbies, spiritual life, etc. Even when you discipline, do so with a belief that they can live up to the moral ideals and values of your family. Use discipline to teach them of their potential. Make sure you discipline them out of love, not anger. As you discipline, offer an alternative, positive behavior to replace the negative behavior exhibited.
9.      Reflect acceptance and approval of your child. Hug your child every day. Affirm your love for your child…even if you have to discipline them…especially when you have to discipline them. Talk about things that interest them, even if they do not interest you. Proclaim your love and pride in your child in front of others.
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