Tag Archive for sacrifice

Today’s Family Question Is…

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Janet Jackson asked “What Have You Done For Me Lately?” (1986 version). In this song, she wondered out loud about why her lover was not honoring her the way he used to honor her. Did you ever ask that question of your family? Everyone in the family gets caught up in their individual activities and runs from one thing to the next. Children run to sports, music, school, church, friends…. Parents run to work, home, church, transporting kids, maintaining the house…. Everyone is doing their own thing and the family winds up in what William Doherty calls the Entropic Family. Chores are left undone and Mom ends up doing them. Requests are ignored as people run out the door to do their own thing or forgotten as I get caught up in what’s important to me. Someone else has to do what another person forgets. In the midst of this busy-ness, family members feel taken advantage of. Parents begin to feel as though they are running a “bed and breakfast” with chauffer services. Children begin to think they are the family slave. Emotional distance grows, frustrations multiply, and anger swells like a tsunami. People start spouting off with Janet Jackson, “What Have You Done For Me Lately?”
 
Stop. Bring the family together. We need to reframe the question. Let each person ask themselves, “What Have I Done to Honor My Family Today?” What have I done to show my parents how much I love them and appreciate all they do for me? What have I done to show my children how much I love them and admire their character and growth? If you are not sure what you can do to honor your family, try these ideas:
·         When you finish your drink, wash your cup or put it in the dishwasher.
·         Keep your family informed of your schedule.
·         Make time to complete simple chores around the house.
·         Enjoy time with your family, even if it means sacrificing one of your activities.
·         Say thank you and show appreciation with a hug.
·         Ask instead of demand or tell.
·         In general, think about your family members. What can you do around the house to make them happier today? Do that. What would bring a smile to their face? Do it. What will make them feel loved? Get it done. 
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What the Manger Teaches Me About Family

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Every Christmas we arrange a manger scene in our house. A few shepherds, three “wise men from afar,” and an angel or two all look adoringly toward the baby Jesus in a manger. Of course, we also have a few barn animals milling about. In the midst of the hustle and bustle of Christmas, this simple scene reminds us of the Christmas story, taking us back to the first Christmas day when Christ was born in Bethlehem. One of the things I like most about the manger scene is that a family sits at the center of it all. Of course, the baby Jesus is the ultimate center, but even He is surrounded by His earthly family. The whole world—from the wealthy wise men and the poor shepherds to the heavenly angels–drew near to admire a baby surrounded by family. Amazingly, they all drew near to admire a baby in the midst of a town so crowded and chaotic that the only place for a pregnant woman to deliver her baby was in a barn. Can you imagine the crowd that must have filled Bethlehem, the greed that turned a woman-in-labor away from a warm bed and clean dwelling? Yet in the midst of that rushing crowd, the greedy market, and the tired travelers, a family drew near to one another, cared for one another, and loved one another…extravagantly. That’s the first lesson I learn about family from the manger scene: make time for family. Put aside all the trappings of Christmas–the excessive material gifts, the unrestrained shopping, the Griswold-style decorations, the greedy desires, and the bigger than life Christmas tree–and make time to share with your family, time to build one another up and time to love one another extravagantly…just as God loved us by sending Emmanuel to earth.
 
The manger also teaches us that Christmas is a time to slow down and treasure your family, ponder your family memories. In the midst of the shepherds, wise men, and animals, usually kneeling next to Joseph and gazing at the baby Jesus, we find Mary. Mary does something that I believe so crucial to the Christmas season: she “treasures all these things and ponders them.” As angels sing in the heavens, shepherds rush through town to find a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, strangers fight for hotel rooms and their place in line, and parents grumble about spending the night in the crowded town of Bethlehem, Mary quietly treasured her newborn baby. She listened to the shepherd’s story and the angel’s prophecies about her child and “pondered them in her heart.” She took time to “treasure” and “ponder” her family, to cherish her family and keep them in her heart and mind. Christmas is a time to slow down and treasure your family, ponder your family memories.
 
Events leading up the manger scene teach us to give family members the benefit of the doubt as well. Joseph had a hard time during Mary’s pregnancy. After all, he thought Mary had fooled around on him and gotten pregnant by another man. He loved Mary, but how could he marry her now? He decided to quietly end the engagement and move on. One night an angel appeared to him and explained the situation. The angel told Joseph that Mary had been faithful to him and that the baby “conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.” Joseph had difficulty believing Mary…understandable. But, God cleared the air and confirmed the truth. Joseph obeyed what the “angel of the Lord had commanded him” and married Mary. This is an extreme case, but it teaches us of the need to give family members the benefit of the doubt. We think the best of those we love and we give them the benefit of the doubt. In the midst of the rush of Christmas, give family members the benefit of the doubt. When someone blows up in frustration or says something with a sharp edge, give the benefit of the doubt…think the best of them.
 
The manger shouts for us to make sacrifices for our family. Mary, mistakenly thought to be a teen mother out of wedlock, sacrificed a “holy reputation” to trust God in starting her family. Joseph, a man whose friends may have mistakenly believed he married a cheating woman, sacrificed his reputation to marry and start a family. They both sacrificed their homeland to move their family to Egypt and escape Herod’s wrath. Perhaps the greatest sacrifice of all was made by God, who gave up his “only begotten Son” to make a world of lost people His adopted children. Christmas is brimming with sacrifice that leads to greater happiness and stronger family ties. This Christmas, follow the lesson of the manger: put your family’s needs above your own and make the sacrifices necessary to promote your family’s health.
 
One final lesson of Christmas: seek the Christ child. The angels sang of His birth. The shepherds rushed through Bethlehem to worship Him. Wise men traveled great distances to bring Him gifts. Simeon blessed Him. The widow gave thanks for Him in the temple. Each and every one heard of his miraculous birth and the promise of redemption. Each one came to see and worship Emmanuel–God with us. When we get right to the crux of it, isn’t that what Christmas is all about? The fact that God became man and dwelt among men, Emmanuel, God with us! This Christmas, join with the whole heavenly family and seek the Christ child.
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5 Steps for Forgiving Family

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“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love” (Bryant H. McGill). To maintain the intimate love of family, family members have to practice forgiveness. If we do not practice forgiveness in our family, we will find our family overrun with bitterness, anger, and resentment. Without forgiveness, family will become a place of suffocating tension and unbearable pain instead of a stable and secure refuge from the world. How do we forgive? Here are 5 steps for forgiveness based on Everett Worthington’s model.
      1.      Count the Loss. This seems almost paradoxical, but the first step in forgiving someone is to objectively define what we have lost as a result of the wrong done to us. Spell out how we have been wronged and what was lost. Remain as objective as possible in this process. God did this through the prophets. He clearly defined how His people had wronged Him through idolatry, unfaithfulness, and stubbornness. He objectively told Israel how their actions robbed them of intimacy with Him and bruised His reputation. Following His example, we begin the process of forgiveness by objectively defining how we were wronged.
 
      2.      Realize that we have a right to expect payment for the wrong done to us, BUT (and this is a BIG BUT) we are morally incapable of collecting that debt. We are not a righteous judge. Recall a time in your own life when you wronged another person and they forgave you. Remember how undeserving you were of that forgiveness and how it made you feel to receive it. Even more, recall that our sin against God is thousands of times greater than any sin made by another person against us. When we realize how harshly we have sinned against God and how dramatically we have wronged other people, we can begin to recognize our own moral inability to exact payment for a sin against us. When we realize how freely God has forgiven us and how richly others have forgiven us, we can open up to the possibilities of forgiving another.
 
      3.      Drop the rocks of judgment, bitterness, and anger. In humility, give up your right for justice. Throw off resentment and cast off bitterness. Follow Christ’s example by “entrusting” yourself to “Him that judges righteously” (1 Peter 2:21-24). Make a conscious decision to let God act as the final Judge and Arbiter. Trust Him to balance justice and mercy in your life and the life of the one who offended you.
 
      4.      Make the first move and commit to follow through. Don’t wait for the other person to change or apologize. Make the first move. Initiate the actions of forgiveness. This act of altruism follows God’s example. In the story of our relationship with God, the one needing forgiveness did not approach God and ask for it. God, the One who was wronged, initiated forgiveness and carried out the work of forgiveness before we even knew what we had done. He made the first move and He followed through with the actions of forgiveness. Make the first move to forgive. Initiate forgiveness. Altruistically offer forgiveness and commit to follow through.
 
      5.      Follow through with work of forgiveness. Unforgiving thoughts will pop into your head. Vengeance, bitterness, and resentment may rear their ugly heads in your thought life even after you have committed to forgive. Don’t let them take hold. Take those thoughts captive, remind yourself that you have forgiven, and throw those thoughts out of your mind. Replace anger with compassion and say a pray for the other person. Replace resentment with empathy and do some kind deed for the other person. Seek out opportunities to show that person kindness. Replace bitterness with love and reach out to them in love by seeking opportunities to promote their happiness and contentment.
 
Forgiveness is not for the faint of heart. Forgiveness is hard work. However, forgiveness can restore relationships. Forgiveness can bring reconciliation, peace, and joy to a family. Make the first move today.
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The Lost Art of Sacrifice in the Family

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William Doherty notes that family member’s made personal sacrifices to assure their family’s well-being, stability, and overall security in the past. During the 1900’s, this focus shifted away from family stability to individual happiness. Instead of the individual promoting the well-being of the family, the family became a tool to promote individual happiness and achievement. Rather than sacrifice for the family, individuals expected the family to sacrifice for them. With this change, individual happiness became more important than family security. “I” replaced “We.” “My needs” took precedent over “your needs” or “our needs.” Competition over whose needs are most important became commonplace and even aggressive at times. In today’s individual-focused family, when you don’t make me happy, I believe you are holding me back and hindering my happiness. The individual focuses on his own desires while disregarding everyone else’s desires. Performance that satisfies my needs becomes the standard by which family members judge one another. Each person engages in his or her own activities and ignores other family members. Family becomes a disconnected group of people putting up with one another’s irritating behaviors while residing in a common living space. A very sad situation for families.
 
A family style focused on individual happiness really proves detrimental to the individual, too. Where does a child learn to empathize if the family focus is on satisfying personal needs? How can a child learn the joy of sharing and giving to another person if it is not modeled in the family? Where will a child find the security of knowing that his family “has his back” no matter what if family members are more concerned with their individual happiness and reputation than protecting one another? Children need to know that family members are committed to establishing a safe, secure community in which they can live and grow. So, what can be done? How can we protect our own family from the disconnected, individually-focused family so prevalent today? By practicing sacrifice.
 
When family members sacrifice for one another, the family focus changes from “Me” to “We.” But why would I sacrifice my needs for my family? Sacrifice within the family promotes a sense of community, commitment for the long haul, and dedication to family stability. Family stability translates to a feeling of safety, security, and peace. Sacrifice also communicates love for one another, value for each person, and a desire to join together in growing and maturing. Sacrifice promotes humility, intimacy, and community. 
 
With those benefits in mind, you can follow these 3 steps to become the catalyst for sacrifice in your family.
1.      Become a student of your family members so you can know and recognize their needs and desires. Keep those needs and desires in mind and act on them. If a family member needs quiet time due to a headache, sacrifice the TV for a while and allow quiet. If a family member desires to sit in a certain seat, let them…even if you want to as well. If there is only one cookie left and your sister wants it, graciously sacrifice your desire and let her eat it.
2.      Begin to view other family members and their desires as “more important” than your own. I don’t mean to forget your own needs and desires, but don’t place your own needs or desires above their needs and desires. Let your family know that you value them and their needs.
3.      Make a commitment to outdo one another in giving honor to one another. Create an environment of honoring one another with the gift of sacrifice. You can sacrifice in little ways like letting another family member get food first at the table or allowing family to go through a door first. You might make the sacrifice of watching what another family member wants to watch on TV or listening to a radio station that another family member wants to hear. These little moments of sacrifice help create an environment of sacrifice, encouraging each family member to think of the “other guy” and sacrifice to meet their needs.
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Four Steps to Make Your Family Miserable

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Usually I write about ways to create a happy family filled with times of celebration and intimacy. However, some readers may prefer a more miserable home environment, a family that “prepares children for the real world,” a harsh world. Although I believe the best way to prepare a child for the “harsh realities of the world” is to provide a home filled with loving relationships, joyful celebrations, and gracious interactions, I don’t want to be accused of prejudice or being “too soft.” So, let me just offer some advice (perhaps, tongue in cheek) on how to make your family a truly miserable place–the kind of place children can’t wait to leave when they turn 18…the kind of place that causes spouses to fantasize of creative ways to escape.
 
First, to create a truly miserable home environment, make yourself number one. You know, watch out for “numero uno,” the “Big Kahuna.” Focus on your personal needs and desires while disregarding everyone else. Think about the things you want to do and ignore everyone else’s interests. Refuse to watch anything but the things you want to watch on TV. Roll your eyes when someone asks you to do something for them. Protect your seat, your time, your “whatever”…at any cost. As you practice this self-centered focus, you will discover that the second ingredient for making your family miserable occurs rather naturally. So…
 
Don’t waste any time; add the second ingredient for a miserable family, impatience. That’s right, practice impatience. Become impatient when family members don’t do just what you want. Start to yell impatiently when another family member sits on “your chair” or eats “your cookie.” A strong impatient attitude will serve as a springboard for harsh language and criticism. Don’t worry, let the harsh language flow from your impatience. Let it escalate all the way to name-calling and character assassination. You can use simple names like “stupid,” “lazy,” or “no good.” You can combine name-calling with criticism by saying things like “You’re just like your father” or “Why can’t you be more like ‘so and so.'” As you practice this you will find it comes more and more natural. You will even begin to lose sight of any good qualities that exist in your family members. When that happens, you will have moved your family to a new level of misery.  
 
Third, rather than show respect to other family members, criticize every little thing they do. This can grow out of impatience; but can also occur in response to unrealistically high expectations. With unrealistically high expectations, you can always criticize your family for “not doing it good enough” or “not doing it right.” If they make the bed, you can criticize them for the wrinkles in the sheets or the haphazardly placed pillow. When they help clean the kitchen, you can criticize them for leaving the wet dishtowel on the table. Whatever they do, always assume they didn’t do a “good enough job” and probably didn’t even try to do it right. Inevitably, they will do part of the job right. Ignore that part; disregard it. Whatever you do, do not recognize what they did right. Focus on what they did improperly, left undone, or forgot to do. Never offer thanks. Never show gratitude. If, in a moment of weakness, you thank them for doing part of the job right, you will set yourself back two steps in your movement toward misery.
 

Finally, do everything you can to make family members feel as though you could leave at any moment. Never let anyone grow secure in their relationship with you. This will include making veiled and open threats about leaving. “If you keep this up, I’m going to leave” or “I’m out of here” represent two direct threats of abandonment. A more veiled threat might be “I wish I wasn’t here” or “I should have never married you.” Of course, you could combine the threat of abandonment with criticism by making comments like “You’ve ruined my life. I may as well just disappear.” Whatever you do, never let them think you are happy with your current life with them. Instead, let them know how miserable you are “in this house.” (Of course, a miserable home was the goal and you may find yourself rather happy to achieve that goal…but, don’t let on.)
 
There you go…four steps for creating a truly miserable family environment. If you like misery, have fun with these steps. (Oh wait, if you have fun you would not be miserable. Well, you know what I mean.) If you’d rather enjoy a secure family environment filled with joyful celebration and intimate relationships, do the opposite of the four steps described above…practice self-denial, encourage one another, respect one another, express gratitude, and share your love.
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The Full Extent of Love

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Preparing for a Sunday School lesson based on John 13 caused me to pause…and think. John 13 describes the story of Jesus washing His disciples’ feet. One reason He washed their feet was to “show them the full extent of His love.” As several of my friends like to say, “That raises a question.” What would I do to show the full extent of my love for my family? I do love my family…no doubt. I would do anything for them. I believe I would die for them if need be…but would I wash their feet?
·         I would work long hours to make sure they live a comfortable life…but would I clean up their dirty dishes or change a dirty diaper?
·         I would encourage them to use their talents and improve their abilities…but would I offer a simple thank you when they open a door for me?
·         I would sacrifice time and energy to watch them perform as part of a musical group or sports team…but would I sacrifice the same time and energy to patiently go over a tedious 6-month schedule of activities ahead of time? Or sacrifice the last piece of cheesecake by giving it to another family member?
·         I would shovel the driveway and salt the steps so my family can safely go about their day…but would I think to ask them about their day and then take all the time necessary to listen to their answer?
·         I would do anything to promote their eternal joy and emotional strength…but would I willingly suffer the pain I feel when following through on some necessary discipline?
·         I would gladly sacrifice my own pleasures to give my family every pleasure…but would I pick up all the little toys, socks, and gadgets with the same pleasure?
·         I would teach them my favorite activities and introduce them to my favorite shows…but would I just as willingly let them teach me about their favorite music, show, or activity?
·         I would willingly and even joyfully mow the lawn and grow fresh vegetables so we can enjoy our yard in summer…but would I joyfully take out the garbage?
·         I would sacrifice a day of work and rest to enjoy a day at Kennywood with my family…but would I clean the kitty litter without complaining?
·         I would give my life to protect my family…but would I “sacrifice” the favorite chair in the living room or the “shotgun” seat in the car?
 
It’s easy to show our love by doing those things we enjoy or those things that make us look good. Even though those things show our love, it’s the daily, menial acts of service, honor, and grace that show the full extent of our love. So, the question remains…I’m sure you would give your life for your family, but would you wash their feet?
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Family Bank of Honor

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“Easy come, easy go” rings true, doesn’t it? We work hard to save money. We put a portion of every paycheck aside (when we can) and it collects a little (very little these days) interest. Then the furnace goes out, the hot water heater breaks, a fender bender necessitates a new rear bumper, or the kids outgrow their clothes. We dip into savings to meet that need and those deposits disappear. One withdrawal drains us of multiple deposits. Now that I think of it, “easy come, easy go” is only partially true. Perhaps it should read “hard to come, easy to go.”
 
At any rate, the principle of “easy come, easy go” holds true in the “Family Bank of Honor” as well. We rarely speak directly about this bank, but we act on it all the time. We make regular, daily deposits into the “Family Bank of Honor” by practicing daily acts of kindness, respect, grace, and celebration. Every time we listen and respond in love, we make a deposit into the “Family Bank of Honor.” When we speak to one another with kindness or give encouragement and praise, we make a deposit into the “Family Bank of Honor.” A hug, a kiss, or even a loving slap on the back, represents another deposit into the “Family Bank of Honor.” Sometimes, the deposits are obvious; other times, they are subtle and less clear, like honoring one another’s efforts to connect by responding with energy and attention. Whether obvious or not, we make multiple deposits each day into the “Family Bank of Honor.”  With each deposit, we enrich our relationships and accrue more emotional savings in the “Family Bank of Honor.”
 
Then the furnace breaks–an argument crops up, a misunderstanding flares, an irritable day turns into a nasty remark. You know the times. We all have times when we make withdrawals from the “Family Bank of Honor,” times when we act dishonorably. Unfortunately, that single withdrawal drains multiple deposits from the “Family Bank of Honor.” One heated disagreement, occurring on a day of irritation, drains our account. We remember the one dishonorable word spoken during a heated exchange more readily than the five sentences of praise spoken in moments of calm. Hopefully, we have made enough deposits of honor, both great and small, to maintain a positive balance in our “Family Bank of Honor.”
 
One marital researcher, John Gottman, reports that happy couples have at least five good exchanges for every one negative exchange during an argument. He also noted that “master couples” have as many as twenty positive experiences for every one negative experience when they are normally engaged. In other words, happy couples have at least five more positive feelings and interaction than unhappy couples, five to twenty deposits for every withdrawal. So, here is the basic two-step plan for investing in the “Family Bank of Honor:”
      1.      Take every opportunity to make a deposit into the “Family Bank of Honor.” Every day, make as many deposits as possible.
      2.      Focus on making deposit rather than worrying about withdrawals. Make five to twenty deposits for each withdrawal. When you do make a withdrawal, apologize. A sincere apology becomes a deposit that puts you back on the road toward accruing savings in the “Family Bank of Honor.”
With this ratio of deposits to withdrawal, we begin to build a home environment of honor. But, the question remains, exactly how do we make a deposit of honor? Here are a few simple ideas:
·         Listen to family members and accept their suggestions
·         Keep family members’ in mind–their interests, desires, quirks, tender areas, and strengths.
·         Seek out ways to serve one another
·         Sacrifice your own desires to do something that interests a family member
·         Use kind and encouraging words
·         Be polite
 
For more ideas for making deposits in the “Family Bank of Honor,” see the “Family Bank of Honor” section and click on Honor, Grace, or Celebrate.
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Keep Your Mother Off Your Back

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Have you ever wanted to get your mother off your back and get more of what you want? Well, here’s a simple 3-step plan.

First, do what’s expected. I mean do the bare minimum.  We all have a responsibility in making our household a good place to live, a happy place to hang. So, do what’s expected of you in keeping the house running smooth. If you don’t know what to do around the house, ask. “What do I need to do to keep our house a happy place?” Have your mother sit down before asking—just in case she faints.

Second, do just a little bit more than expected. I know this sounds like a sale’s pitch, but wait…when you do just a little bit more, you earn “brownie points.” That’s right, you gain bargaining power. When you do just a little bit more than expected, your mother will smile and feel pride. And, you will have a better chance at getting what you want.

Third, remember that honey tastes better than vinegar. Parents get vinegar all the time—whining, complaining, arguing, ignoring. If you really want to keep your parents off your back, give them some honey. Thank them for the work they do around the house. Thank them for the things they do for you—like washing clothes and cooking supper. Tell them how good supper tastes. Do something nice for your parents—draw them a picture or make them a card. Start up a conversation with them. Here is a little formula to remember—it takes five tastes of honey to outweigh one taste of vinegar. So, pour on the honey.

Finally, use your bargaining power. When you do what’s expected, you keep your parents off your back. When you do just a little bit more than expected and pour on the honey, you’ve gained bargaining power. You’ve worked to build trust. Now you can ask for that special favor. Stay on this 3-step plan and you’ll be surprised at how nice your mother becomes.

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Of Buckets, Mops, and Grace

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Grace within the family involves giving of ourselves. Time, energy, and attentiveness represent the currency of the gift of self. As we give our time, energy, and attentiveness to our family members, we show them grace. My friend told me a wonderful story of grace shown from a mother to her adult daughter. The adult daughter was very stressed about temporary changes at her workplace that had added to her workload and disrupted her work routine. As a result, she had to work extra hours to get all the work done. In addition, her husband had to travel out of the country for work, often into dangerous areas. Unfortunately, while the adult daughter was stressed with the increased workload and disrupted work routines, her husband had to travel out of the country for an extended period of time. As a result, she was overworked and without the usual support from her husband. She came home exhausted from work to an empty house. She was worried about her husband, stressed about her job, and feeling overwhelmed. All of this contributed to her housework falling behind.

The adult daughter and her husband had planned on taking a long weekend vacation following his travels. However, the adult daughter now felt too stressed and tired to go away. She was torn between using the weekend to clean the house and get caught up with work or going away with her husband. With encouragement, she decided to go on the vacation and spend time with her husband.

While they were gone, the adult daughter’s mother became a grace dispenser. Because she had given attention to her daughter, the mother was able to anticipate what would help releive her daughter’s stress. So, she went to her daughter’s home and began to clean. She not only cleaned the house, she did the laundry and anything else that she knew would help her daughter feel relaxed. As you can imagine, when her daughter returned home, she was blown away. She was so surprised when she entered a clean house that she texted her mother to say “Thank you.” A few minutes later, she saw another area of her home cleaned and texted to say “Thank you” again. Then she saw the laundry done and texted to say “Thank you” again. She texted a new “thank you” each time she found another thing her mother had done.

This mother had acted in grace. She had given of herself. First, she gave enough of her attention to know that cleaning her daughter’s home would help relieve her daughter’s stress and fill her with joy. She gave of her time and energy to actually go to her daughter’s house and clean. She completed this act of grace with no expectation of return. She gave of her self simply to show her daughter love. She showed the grace of buckets, brooms, and mops.

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