Tag Archive for fun

Teach Your Children to Live Happy

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I’m always on the lookout for ways to promote happiness in my family and teach my children how to live happy lives (Family Fun Night). Researchers from the University of Zurich just added another tool to my Family Happiness Training Toolbox (Generous People Live Happier Lives). In this study, fifty people were given 25 Swiss Francs each week for four weeks. Half of them pledged to spend it on others and half pledged to spend it on themselves. According to Functional MRI’s, simply pledging generosity activated areas of the participants brains’ associated with altruistic behavior and areas associated with happiness. In other words, simply pledging to use the money generously increased the pledging person’s happiness. Over the course of the four week experiment, those who pledged to spend the money on others made more generous choices.  They also showed an increase in self-reported happiness. Interestingly, generosity did not have to be extraordinary or exorbitant to increase happiness. Just a “little more generous” produced greater happiness.

Why not use the knowledge to promote happiness in your family? Just bring up the idea of doing something nice for someone when you meet with your family. Maybe you can bring it up while eating dinner or while driving home from an activity. The suggestion could be as simple as:

  • Wouldn’t it be nice to give some cookies to your teacher next week?
  • I hear Mr. Smith isn’t feeling well. How about we cut his grass this weekend?
  • I have an extra $10 this week. If you could do something nice for someone with $10, what would you do and who would you do it for?
  • Let’s write the church pianist a thank you note for playing this week. Which card do you think she’d like best…or would you rather we make the card?

You get the idea. Be creative. You could come up with the idea or ask your family to come up with an idea. After you have the idea, enlist your family’s help in getting it done. Then get out there and do it…. You will have done a nice thing and that will increase your family happiness.

One last caveat…. You might find your children really like this kind of activity. They may start coming up with all kinds of ideas to share generosity. When they do, seize the moment. Jump on board. Work with them to make it happen. When you do, do you know what you’re doing? You’re teaching your children how to create happiness in their lives…and that is a lesson worth teaching!

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My Cell Phone is Ripping Me Off!!

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Let me just give you the quote right here, at the beginning of the blog. “The mere presence of one’s smartphone reduces available cognitive capacity and impairs cognitive functioning, even though people feel they’re giving their full attention and focus to the task at hand.” This is the finding of a study out of the McCombs School of Business at The University of Texas, Austin. In this study, participants were assigned to one of three groups while taking a series of tests geared to measure the brain’s ability to hold and process data. One group took the test with their cell phone turned off and left on their desk face down. The second group had their cell phone turned off and in their pocket or a personal bag. The third group had their cell phones turned off and in another room. Those participants who had their phones in another room did significantly better than those who had their cell phone on the desk and slightly better than those who had the cell phone in their pocket or bag. In other words, “the mere presence of one’s smartphone reduces available cognitive capacity and impairs cognitive functioning….” The presence of our cell phone takes up our mental space and “dumbs us down.”

The process of pushing thoughts about who might call, who might text, when might it ring, or “I could look that up” takes up space in our brains and takes our attention and concentration from some other task. When we take our cell phone on a date night, it robs us of the mental space needed to have intimate conversation and enjoyment with our spouse. In other words, our cell phone robs our spouses of the full attention and intimate interaction they deserve.  If we really want to have an intimate date with our spouses, leave the cell phone in the car…or at home.  Give your spouse your full attention. Concentrate on intimate interactions with your spouse. Don’t let your cell phone rob you of a precious date!

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A Special Ingredient for Healthy Families

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A middle school boy told me what he liked and didn’t like about his family. Interestingly, he liked the family dinners they used to have. He disliked that they no longer had those family dinners. Even as a middle school boy, he missed family dinners! Family dinners provided him the time he desired to slow down, talk, and connect with his whole family. I have to admit, I was somewhat surprised to hear a middle-school-aged child talking about missing family dinners. Nonetheless, he made an excellent observation. Family dinners provide time to reconnect and bond with our families. They are a time to relax, tell stories, and talk about our daily lives, laugh, and even make future plans.

Research Suggests:

  1. Regular family meals help reduce the rates of substance abuse, teen pregnancy and depression in adolescents.
  2. Families that enjoy regular family meals see their children attain higher grade-point averages.
  3. “Dinner conversation” boosts vocabulary more than reading does!
  4. The stories of personal victories, perseverance, fun moments, and family times help build a child’s resilience and confidence.

As you can see, family meals offer a smorgasbord of benefits for families and their children. So, if you want your family to grow more intimate…if you want your children to grow up happy…if you want your children to grow up physically and emotionally healthy…if you want your children to have a higher grade-point average, set aside the time to enjoy regular family meals.  Here are a few tips to help you plan your family meal time:

  • Include Your Whole Family in the Meal Process. The family meal process includes making the menu, preparing the meal, setting the table, and cleaning up afterwards. Include the whole family in these activities. Make the menu together. One day a week, allow a different family member to pick their favorite food items for a meal. Encourage the whole family to help clear the table, load the dishwasher, wash the dishes…and make it fun with conversation and laughter. Come up with your own creative ways to include the whole family in the family meal process.
  • Enjoy Conversation While You Eat. Save topics you know lead to arguments for another time and focus on conversations that will build relationships. Talk about the day’s activities, each person’s dreams, memories of fun family times, and things you’d like to do in the future. Really, the topics available for discussion are limited only by our
  • Plan a Few Dinner Surprises. Your family might enjoy dinner for breakfast or breakfast for dinner. Plan one “ethnic meal night” per week and travel the globe with culinary surprises. Eat your meal backwards, starting with dessert. Plan an “Iron Chef” night and let each family members cook one dish…the family can vote on best taste, presentation, and creativity after the meal. You get the idea. Do something different now and again. Make it a surprise…and have fun.
  • Turn off the Technology. Turn off TV’s, video games, phones, and any other technology that has the potential to interfere with the moment’s face-to-face interaction and family interaction. Learn to enjoy each other in the moment with no interruption.

Put it all together and you have a family meal, the special ingredient of healthy families.

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The Family Conundrum We All Face

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The Journal of Consumer Research recently published a series of studies exploring the connection between leisure time, busyness, and status (Lack of Leisure: Is Busyness the New Status Symbol). The authors found busyness associated with a perception of high status in the United States. In other words, the busier a person’s life, the more important his he is in the eyes of his peers. In addition, using products and services that “showcase one’s busyness” (like online shopping and grocery deliver) made people appear more important, more in demand, and thus of higher status. So, if you want people to see you as important, keep busy.

The World Leisure Journal, on the other hand, published a study suggesting leisure time spent with family at home was a significant “predictor of happiness for families” (Pleasant Family Leisure at Home May Satisfy Families More Than Fun Together Elsewhere, Study Finds). Taken together, these two studies raise an interesting conundrum for many families. Success and status are associated with busyness; but family joy and intimacy is associated with leisure time spent as a family. And, if you haven’t noticed, our families are caught right in the middle of this dilemma. Children and teens live busy lives. They rush from one activity to another, participating in one program after another program so they can build a resume with enough “status” to impress any university of their choosing. They become so busy that parents rush through the drive-thru to order dinner on their way to the next activity. Parents are not immune from their own busyness either. They not only rush the children around; they also take on more assignments at work to increase their status and reputation in hopes of getting the promotion and the raise that will fund their family’s hectic lifestyle. Status for children pursued through involvement in multiple activities. Status for parents rests on busy children and is further pursued through busyness at work and community involvement. The whole family achieves the status of importance and “in demand” but forfeits family joy and intimacy. Family joy and intimacy requires leisure time spent together as a family. Family happiness grows slowly in the soil of leisure time spent talking, laughing, and sharing together.

These two studies really do present a conundrum for the average family. Finding the balance is not simple. I guess we have to ask ourselves a question: “What is more important to me and my family, status or family happiness?” Then choose your lifestyle accordingly…for “what does it profit a man if he gains reputation and status but loses his own family along the way.”

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Take Me Out to the Ballgame…For a Better Marriage

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Baseball season is fast approaching and that’s good news for marriages. Let me explain. In the early 1990’s Howard Markman, director of The University of Denver Center for Marital and Family Studies, conducted an informal study of cities with major league baseball teams (See Baseball Preserves Marriage). He discovered that cities with major league baseball teams had a 28% lower divorce rate than cities that did not have teams but expressed an interest in getting one. Even more surprising, Denver’s divorce rate stood at 6 divorces per 1,000 people the year before they were awarded a major league baseball franchise. Ten years later, 7 years after the Colorado Rockies played their first game, the divorce rate had dropped to 4.2 divorces per 1,000 people (a 20% drop). Lest you think that 20% decrease was just a product of the 10 year time span, the divorce rate for the United States had only declined by 15% over that same time period. Interesting…. Markman does not believe baseball saves marriages. But, he does believe that “going to a baseball game and… having fun and talking as friends is one way to protect and preserve love.” In other words, having fun as a couple strengthens your marriage. Said another way, “couples who play together stay together!”

Baseball aside, enjoying playful times as a couple really does strengthen marriage. It increases effective communication and conflict resolution. It enhances relationship satisfaction. Play promotes spontaneity, reminds us of our positive relationship history, and builds additional positive history for us to look back on with joy. Play also builds friendship and enhances commitment. In general, if you want a healthy, happy marriage, engage in copious amounts of play together. Enjoy fun activities. Be silly. Tell jokes. Tickle. Have a pillow fight. Laugh. Anything you both find fun and pleasurable provides an opportunity to play and grow more intimate in your relationship…which brings us back to the 7th inning stretch. Baseball may not save your marriage; but the playful conversation, light-hearted teasing, and plain old fun you have at the game will definitely contribute to a stronger, more intimate marriage. So sing along. Everybody now, “Take me out to the ballgame….”

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Great Marriages Have CARP

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Many people in the area I live (Western PA) know about the carp at Pymatuning, “where ducks walk on carp.” Over 300,000 people a year throw chunks of bread into the water and watch the carp literally swim on top of one another to eat it. So many carp clamber over one another that ducks can walk on their backs. That carp has nothing to do with a great marriage. I just like the image. But, great marriages do have CARP.  They are overflowing with CARP and both spouses like to feed the CARP.  Don’t get grossed out. I’m talking about Commitment, Adventure, Respect, and Persistence (C.A.R.P.).

C—Great marriages demand Commitment.  Commitment involves doing what it takes to make your relationship successful. This will involve communication and compromise for the benefit of your healthy marriage. Spouses committed to their marriage serve their spouse and make sacrifices for spouse…and they do so willingly. They are ok with compromise and sacrifice because they know it strengthens their marriage and benefits the one they love.

A—Great marriages love Adventure. In fact, people in great marriages view their marriage as an adventure. They love to try new things as a couple. They encourage their spouses to learn and grow. They are excited to help in that growth and to witness their spouse blossom and bloom. They plan and dream together. They also support one another’s individual dreams and take great joy in the adventure of their spouse’s dream.

R—Great marriages practice Respect. Spouses honor one another. They value one another, viewing one another as diamonds among the coal. As such they strive to lift up their spouse and place their spouse in a setting that will reveal and enhance their beauty. They express fondness and admiration, gratitude and appreciation for their spouse on a daily basis. Even in the midst of conflict, both spouses maintain a level of respect. They do not engage in name calling, criticism, or contempt. Instead, they listen, encourage, and work toward mutual growth, intimacy, and peace.

P—Healthy marriages are made up of Persistent spouses. They do not give up. They have a long-term vision of their marriage and work toward long-term goals for their marriage. There is no mention of divorce or leaving even in the midst of anger and disagreement. They do not get caught up in short term stresses and disagreements. Instead, they focus on the long-term happiness and security of their marriage.

Healthy, happy marriages focus on CARP. They love to feed the CARP in their marriage. So, if you want a great marriage, go ahead and feed the CARP.

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From Crestfallen to Cheery by Way of Creativity

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Ever had one of those days? I’m sure you have. You know the day I’m talking about. It starts off bad and goes downhill. You wake up grumpy and irritable. Everyone around you seems to do everything they can to make it worse—they move too slowly, they ask too many stupid questions, they smile too much, they’re just too cheery! Of course, there is one day you may find even worse (I know I do). That’s the day your spouse or teen is having one of those days and you have to put up with their bad mood! Not only do you end up on the receiving end of their grumpy irritation, but you suffer the pain of witnessing them suffer. What a day!!?

Well, I have good news. Research by Tamlin Conner at New Zealand’s University of Otago offers a solution (You can read more about the study in The Daily Activities That Promote An Upward Spiral of Flourishing). Even better, the solution can be fun for you and your whole family! What’s the solution? Here it is: Engage in creative activities like singing, songwriting, creative writing, knitting, crocheting, making new recipes, painting, graphic design, performance, or…you get the idea.

Tamlin Conner’s study demonstrated that creative activities lead to a boost in positive emotion the next day. Positive emotions included happiness, joy, enthusiasm, excitement, and pleasurable engagement. See the upward spiral? Creativity today leads to more positive emotions tomorrow. Those positive emotions contribute to more creativity which leads to more positive emotions…and so it goes in an upward spiral from crestfallen to cheery by way of creativity.

What if the whole family got involved in this upward spiral? What if you and your family made it a point to enjoy some simple creativity every day? Maybe you would tell stories or knit scarfs, cook a meal together or rewrite the words to a familiar melody.  It really doesn’t matter. The activity could fit the mood and need of the day. But, it will enhance the chances of a more positive mood tomorrow…and, if you’re not careful, you might just find yourself enjoying today as a family too!

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A Christmas Pickle? You Bet!

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In our family we started celebrating the “Christmas Pickle” several years ago. I tried to find the reason for the Christmas Pickle when we began this celebration. Rumor has it that the pickle is an old German emblem of good luck. So, the tradition began. Hide the Christmas Pickle in the tree and the first to find it on Christmas morning gets the luck. They can open the first present, receive an extra gift, or enjoy good luck for the coming year. Which reward the observant family member received depends on the tradition your family chooses to follow.  I don’t know about this theory of origin. I find more references to pigs being symbols of luck than I do pickles. And I’ve never heard of anyone hiding a Christmas Pig in their tree. (Although…maybe we could sell some Christmas Pig ornaments and….No, it wouldn’t work.)

Another tradition expounds the tale of two Spanish boys trapped in a pickle barrel by a cruel innkeeper over Christmas break.  St. Nick set them free by tapping the barrel with his staff. So why not use the Christmas Staff for good luck, not the pickle? I was still not satisfied.

I found one last theory for the Christmas Pickle.  A man fell ill while in prison during the Civil War. As a dying wish he asked for a pickle. (Go figure. I wonder if he wanted dill or sweet.) Anyway, a kind-hearted guard found him a pickle. The man not only enjoyed the pickle, but, in time, recovered from his illness and returned home. In honor of the moment when, in the throngs of death, he savored a pickle, the man began hiding pickles (real pickles, by the way, as ornaments were not in style for another 15 years) in his Christmas tree…a tradition to recall his good fortune. I think I would have just stuck with savoring a pickle now and again.

I never discovered a reliable origin story for the Christmas Pickle. I just make my own up…different every year. So why do we still celebrate the Christmas Pickle. Because it’s fun. It’s a way to slow the Christmas season down a little and savor the tree while we look for a pickle. It’s a way to laugh as a family because we look for a hidden pickle in the tree. It’s another way we draw closer as a family as we laugh, celebrate, and enjoy one another’s company. I love it when I can watch my children laugh and celebrate. I imagine God enjoys it when He can watch His children laugh and celebrate as well, especially in celebration of the birthday of His Son too! So go ahead. Hide the Christmas Pickle and laugh, enjoy the pickle search, and draw closer to your family.

(If you’re interested, all three of the Christmas Pickle origin theories are briefly described in What’s the Real Story Behind the Christmas Pickle Ornament?)

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Play for a Better Marriage

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Play offers innumerable benefits to your marriage. Let me name a few.

  • Play allows you to spend time with your spouse and enjoy your spouse’s company. This builds intimacy.

  • Play can deepen and broaden your marital relationship. It provides a time in which we are absorbed in your marital relationship.

  • Play helps to heal any breaches or damage done to your relationship. It helps to repair the quality of your relationship.
  • Play facilitates acceptance and openness.
  • Play contributes to feelings of acceptance and relational safety. In fact, some would call play the antidote to shame and fear. Play can take away shame and fear and allow you to find greater acceptance and security.
  • Play builds trust. Rather than judging motives or assuming negative intent, couples who play together are more likely to give one another the benefit of the doubt and find the humor in mistakes.
  • Play can help resolve conflict. Those who play together are more able to admit mistakes and make amends.
  • Play builds understanding.

So, take time to play this week. Go out with your spouse and enjoy some fun. Joke around. Play some games. Laugh. Laugh some more. And enjoy the play as it strengthens your marriage!

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What is Shaping Your Children’s Mind

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Recent data from Extreamist showed children between 2-18 years old stream about 1.8 hours of content from Netflix, Hulu, Your Tube, or other online services each day. This adds up to 650 hours per year. On the other hand, data from the National Wild Life Federations suggests children spend an average of 4-7 minutes playing outdoors each day. boxPlayThat only adds up to 24 to 43 hours per year. In other words, the amount of time children spend streaming and watching shows is 15 to 27 times greater than the time they spend in unstructured outdoor play. (Read Kids Watch Services Like Netflix 15 Times as Much as They Play Outdoors for more on these statistics.) They spend more time watching cops and robbers on a screen than they spend playing cops and robbers…more time watching fantasy stories created and filmed by others than they spend creating their own imaginative stories. The unstructured, imaginative play they miss out on by watching streaming videos is the very activity that helps fuel their emotional maturity and makes them “a head taller than themselves” in self-control and emotional management (See Make Your Child “a Head Taller Than Himself” for more.)

Another study, led by a professor at the University of Montreal, reveals a few more specifics about the impact of watching TV, especially for toddlers (Couch Potato: Chilling In Front of the TV as a Toddler Can Lead to Being Bullied Later in Life.) This study examined the connection between time spent watching TV as a 29-month-old toddler and the same child’s social experience as a 13-year-old. The results suggest that every 53 minutes of daily toddler TV exposure increased the risk of peer victimization, social isolation, or aggression in that same child at 13 years of age. In other words, the more a toddler watched TV, the greater the risk of poor social interactions as a 13-year-old.

Overall, the more time children spend watching TV, the less time they spend engaging in the creative imaginative, and interactive play that is so crucial to healthy development. Maybe we, as parents, need to ask ourselves some difficult questions:

  • Do we want our children’s minds, imaginations, and emotions shaped by half-hour sitcoms and frenetic cartoons or by the interactive, imaginative play engaged in with others?
  • Do we want our children’s intellect and thought life stimulated by the subtle innuendos of shows streamed into the home or by the undivided responsive interaction of friends and family?
  • Do we want our children’s values to mimic those learned on the internet (where someone can be thrown across the room and stand up unharmed) or those learned from interactions with “real-live” people with real emotions and real consequences?

I’m not suggesting our children never watch TV or stream shows. However, our children will benefit greatly when we learn to limit the streaming and encourage their creative, imaginative interactions with other people.

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