Tag Archive for curiosity

The Not-So-Silent Killer Stalking Your Family!

There is a killer stalking your family. This killer does not physically attack families; but it will destroy family relationships and devastate each person’s self-image. Sometimes it works subtly, like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, hiding behind humor, knowledge, and deception. At other times it blatantly attacks family members. This enemy of your family goes by many names, but ultimately we know it goes by the name of disrespect.

 

馬鹿にするビジネスマンDisrespect harms individuals and devastates relationships. It creates wounds so toxic they can remain open and unhealed for a lifetime! Disrespect thrusts a person into an inferior role.  It creates an environment of inequality, an environment in which the disrespected person is treated as less valuable, less worthy, and less esteemed. The very act of disrespect sets up a hierarchy in which the disrespectful person assumes the role of a controlling master and assigns the role of a less capable, less intelligent serf onto the one he disrespects. The disrespected person naturally responds with anger and rebellion, self-hate and emotional withdrawal, or both. Communication falters and, eventually, the relationship dies. Disrespect is a killer stalking your family!

 

A person can show disrespect toward family in several ways. Jennifer Gill Rosier, PhD (The Family Coach) discusses five ways family members can show disrespect to one another:

  • Disgracing. Family members show this type of disrespect when they criticize or insult other family members. Disgracing includes name calling, shaming, and attacks on a person’s character.
  • Dramatizing. We dramatize by using absolute language (words like “always,” “never,” “all,” “none,” etc.) to describe other family members or their behavior in a negative way. For example, “You never did care about me;” “You never listen to me;” “You always boss me around;” “You will always be a loser;” etc.
  • Dictating. This type of disrespect occurs when we give orders, commands, or communicate in a way that implies a hierarchy with us on top. A person who shows this type of disrespect often expects family members to make huge investments in family relationships or household duties while making no investment of their own.
  • Disregarding. Family members disregard one another by ignoring or rejecting. Disregarding shows its ugly head when a person ignores a family member’s attempts to converse, a family member’s feelings, or family member’s interests, among other things. The disregarding person can also simply reject other family members directly—”leave me alone”—for no real reason.
  • Dominating. We exhibit disrespect when we control the conversation, inhibiting our spouse or child from involvement by interrupting them, talking over them, or simply overpowering them during a conversation. A person can also show this type of disrespect by telling another person what to feel, think, or find interesting rather than allowing them to determine their own feelings, thoughts, and interests.

 

We may all show disrespect to family members from time to time. However, if disrespect becomes the norm, family relationships die. So, if you find yourself becoming disrespectful, apologize and change your behavior. Here are some behaviors to replace disrespect.

  • Rather than disgracing family members, encourage family members. Build up your family members. Make statements that will bring them joy. Honor them with your words.
  • Stop using words like “always” and “never.” Instead, deal with each situation as it arises. Focus on one thing at a time.
  • Invest in your family. Rather than barking out orders and commands, work with your family to get things done. Make chores and household duties a family project. Involve everyone, especially yourself!
  • Honor family members with your time and attention. Turn off the TV, take a break from the video game, and focus on your family members.
  • Include everyone in the conversation. That means you have to listen. Look each person in the eye and listen. Get curious about each family member’s feelings, thoughts, and desires…and consider those feelings, thoughts, and desires as you make plans.

Those are just a few ways to replace disrespect with respect in your home. The ideas are simple, but they will have a long-lasting and magnificent impact on your family life and joy!

Parents, Are You a Slingshot or an Anchor?

Michael Byron, Smith, retired Air Force officer, wrote an excellent blog for the National Fatherhood Institute (click here to read it). In this blog, he wrote: “Families should be slingshots, throwing children into the world prepared for what lies ahead. Unfortunately, the problems of dysfunctional families are like anchors, dragging down their children’s potential….” So, I have to ask: Have you created a family environment that will serve as a slingshot for your children or an anchor? 

Anchor families:

  • Punishment concept.Place unrealistic expectations on their children.
  • Make demeaning, degrading, and discouraging remarks about their children or their children’s activities.
  • Imply greater acceptance of their children only after they have performed to a certain level (good grades, starting team, practiced their instrument, etc.).
  • Punish or demean children for times they experience failure.
  • Offer rude criticisms about their child’s character or performance.
  • Engage in name-calling.
  • Disregard their children’s feelings…or even punishing their children for “negative” feelings like anger, frustration, sorrow, or tearfulness.
  • Tell or imply they know more about what their children feel, think, or like than their children do themselves.

 

These behaviors act as anchors around your children’s neck. They weigh your children down, drowning them under the waves of guilt and shame.

 

Slingshot families, on the other hand:

  • grandfather and granddaughter with computer at homeLearn about the development of children, their children’s development in particular, so they can maintain realistic expectations.
  • Encourage their children.
  • Make sure their children know they are loved even when they fall short of perfection or have a particularly bad day.
  • Teach their children that failure is an opportunity to learn. They encourage determination and healthy persistence.
  • Offer their children constructive criticism in a loving manner.
  • Use “negative” feelings like anger, frustration, sorrow, or tearfulness as opportunities to grow more intimate with their children.
  • Remain curious about their children’s feelings, thoughts, and interests…using them as touch-points from which to deepen intimacy.

 

These behaviors serve as slingshots for your children. They help your children develop the skills necessary to navigate the world with courage, confidence, and poise.

 

So, I ask again. Which one are you—an anchor family or a slingshot family?

Parenting the Curious Explorer

Children…curiosity…exploration…constant questioning. These words seem almost synonymous, don’t they? In fact, children love to explore. They have an incessant curiosity that leads them to actively investigate everything around them. They explore things with their eyes, ears, hands, and even mouth. Like miniature scientists they study the world around them to discover “how” and “why” things happen the way they do.
In the midst of all this curiosity and exploration, do you know what interests children most? You do! They want to know everything about you, their parent–what interests you, what holds your attention, what arouses your emotions. That’s why your infant wants to play with the cell phone you spend so much time looking at or the pots and pans you spend the hour before dinner using. A child’s curiosity also leads him to ask you unending questioning–“What are you doing?” “What’s that?” “How’s that work?” “What’s that do?” “Why?” Sometimes this curious desire to know leads them to engage in somewhat irritating behaviors like flipping the light switch on and off to learn about cause and effect, or, throwing their spoon on the ground to see how much they can get you to do. As they get older, their curiosity encourages them to chase after ants with a magnifying glass to look at their magnified image and learn about nature. Even a teen’s curiosity leads to behavior we sometimes questions, like “doing donuts” in a snowy parking lot or setting a firecracker off in a model car. They want to know about everything…especially those things that interest you. This incessant desire to learn about the world may even lead to behavior you don’t particularly like. I remember learning how to make a “washtub bass guitar.” I loved music and the excitement of making my own instrument overwhelmed me. Curiosity and excitement led me to drill a hole in the bottom of my parents’ only washtub basin, cut off the whisk-end of the broom, and connect them with a string. The resulting music sounded good to me…my parents disagreed. I ended up playing the blues in my room for a time.
All kidding aside, curiosity helps children learn. More importantly, a child finds the most pleasure in exploring when they can share that exploration with a parent. As a parent responds with supportive comments and shared excitement, their child gains pleasure, finds that learning is fun, and grows more confident in their ability to meet and conquer challenges. I love this table developed by Dr. Bruce Duncan Perry, MD, PhD, that shows curiosity ultimately leads to greater confidence and more exploration. Limit their curiosity and you ultimately limit their mastery, confidence, and even sense of security.
Curiosity
results in
Exploration
results in
Discovery
Discovery
results in
Pleasure
results in
Repetition
Repetition
results in
Mastery
results in
New Skills
New Skills
results in
Confidence
results in
Self Esteem
Self Esteem
results in
Sense of Security
results in
More Exploration
Children are curious, but they are also immature and inexperienced. As family shepherds, we have to watch them and protect them while encouraging appropriate exploration. That demands that we accept their curiosity and their immaturity as natural. We need not yell and scream at them for immaturity. No, immaturity calls us to teach them. Their immaturity invites us to be present with them in their curiosity, invest our time in their exploration, and share in the excitement of their discovery. By remaining present with them in their curiosity, we can address any concerns that might arise. When they become disruptive, our presence will teach them how to explore in a more appropriate manner. Investing our time in their exploration allows us to help channel that exploration in appropriate venues. We can teach them that the library is not the place to explore sound, but the music room is…late at night is not the best time to practice rock riffs on the electric guitar, but early evening is…the house is not the best place to explore the properties of flying water, but the yard is. By sharing in their excitement we teach them that exploration is valuable, learning is fun, and discovery is good. A parent who shares in the excitement of their child’s discovery will find ways to promote exploration and curiosity rather than saying “don’t touch,” “don’t climb,” “don’t take that apart,” “don’t get dirty.” That may mean setting some boundaries around the curiosity. For instance, letting your child know that playing in the mud may be fun, but they have to change clothes before stomping through the living room…playing with the condensation on the window is interesting, but they will need to help clean the fingerprints off the window when all is said and done. And, while they help you clean up, you have the opportunity to talk about the exciting discoveries made during play.
Enjoy your children’s curiosity. Nurture and participate in their exploration. Celebrate their discoveries. They will grow in wisdom and confidence. Most importantly, you will both enjoy a deeper and more intimate connection as you explore your child’s curiosity together.

2 Parenting Essentials

To state the obvious, parents play a crucial role in their children’s lives. They serve their children as teachers, chefs, administrative assistants, launderer, house cleaner, transportation manager, moral conscience, landscaper, mentor, and trainer of all these areas as well. I’m sure we could add to this list of parenting jobs. However, we can reduce many parenting roles into two jobs: meeting our children’s needs and allowing them to take risks. Let me explain a little more.


Parents strive to meet their children’s every need—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Notice, though, that parents meet their children’s needs, not their every want and desire. For example, these items are wants and desires, not needs (children can live without them):
·         A cell phone
·         A TV in the bedroom
·         The most recent fad in tennis shoes, hairstyles, or clothing
·         A Nintendo 3DS, Nintendo DS, Gameboy, or any other hand-held gaming device
·         An Xbox, Wii, or other TV game device
·         Their favorite snack everyday
·         Rides everywhere and unearned cash in their pockets
·         To be constantly entertained
 
What does a child need? Children need parents to provide for their physical needs like food, shelter, and clothing. Parents may have to work long hours to provide for these physical needs; and, they probably spend many hours maintaining the home, shopping for food and clothes, repairing clothes, washing clothes, preparing food, and storing food. But, parents do not stop there. They also provide for their children’s emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. They invest in making a strong emotional connection with their children by spending time with them, playing with them, enjoying activities together, talking with them, etc. They also become a student of their children—learning about their interests, sensitivities, fears, and dreams. By learning about their children, parents build a stronger relationship with them. They also gain the knowledge necessary to effectively teach and discipline their children. This knowledge allows a parent to guide their children in values and beliefs that promote a healthy lifestyle. And, children respond best to discipline from a parent who knows them, has invested time in them, and has developed a strong relationship with them. Meeting our children’s needs builds trust, relationship, and security.
 
Parents also allow their children to take risks. When children have parents who meet their needs, they are free to explore the world around them. They trust that their parents will protect them. They have a sense that the world is a safe place. They want to explore and learn more about their world. Sometimes this exploration will create risk—risks like crossing the street for the first time, driving across the state alone, climbing up one branch higher in the tree, or deciding whether to study abroad for a semester in college. Sometimes, parents rush to protect their children from the possible threat or harm of exploration and risk. In this rush to protect, parents prevent exploration. By discouraging exploration and risk, they nurture fear and timidity. They rob their children of the opportunity to learn from their decisions and the consequences of those decisions. They stunt their children’s growing ability to make thinking ahead to consider the consequences, problem-solve, and make wise choices. They encourage children who “play it safe” rather than children who “step out in faith” and “enjoy the adventure.” 
 
Parents who encourage curious exploration and risk, on the other hand, nurture children who think ahead, consider the consequences of their actions, make better decisions, and practice effective problem-solving skills. These children become more mature, have a healthy sense of independence, and a greater willingness to seek out help when needed. So, go ahead…take the risk of letting your children take a risk.

The Fabric of a Fulfilling Family

A team of psychologists from the University of Zurich recently completed a study (Click Here for review) suggesting that training to improve character strengths increases overall well-being and life satisfaction. More specifically, they found that training a person in curiosity, gratitude, optimism, humor and enthusiasm had the greatest impact on their sense of well-being. That got me thinking…. What would happen if we made curiosity, gratitude, optimism, humor, and enthusiasm part of the fabric of our families? Our children, our spouse, and even our self would become “informally trained” in each of these areas. Each family member would have a greater sense of well-being and life satisfaction. Even more, perhaps the family would experience increased happiness. So, how can we do it? Here are some ideas for training in each of the five character strengths noted.
 
Curiosity: Explore together. You can explore anything and everything with your family–the back yard, the museum, cooking, music, books, movies, or any topic you can imagine. Use your family vacations and travels as opportunities to explore cultures, foods, fun activities, and local interests. Encourage family members to ask questions and use those questions as springboards to exploration. Read together. Reading is such a wonderful way to expand and satisfy a curious mind.
 
Gratitude: Practice daily gratitude by thanking people throughout the day. Thank the checkout clerk for ringing you up, your parent or spouse for cooking dinner, your children for setting the table. Look for opportunities to tell people thank you and do it. If you receive a gift, send a thank you note. Start a gratitude journal. List 3-5 things each day that you are grateful for. Keep the list of thanks in a journal and watch it grow. Review it now and again for a boost of gratitude.
 
Optimism: Watch your explanation of causes. When you talk about frustrating events and disappointments in life, make sure you use language that recognizes the temporal nature of those difficulties. Keep a mole hill a mole hill rather than exaggerate it until it grows into a mountain. Keep a simple setback a simple setback. Don’t talk as though a simple problem has ruined your day, your week, or even your life. Instead, keep in mind that “this too will pass,” differences can be resolved, setbacks overcome, and troubles transcended.
 
Humor: Play. Play is a great way to encourage humor. It also encourages curiosity and optimism. In addition, tell jokes–silly jokes, riddles, childish jokes, weird jokes, even “serious jokes.” If you don’t know any jokes, make one up. If it flops, laugh at yourself and enjoy the humor of it all. Or, read the Sunday comics together. Laugh out loud. Oh, and did I say play? 
 
Enthusiasm: Enthusiasm is enhanced by a healthy lifestyle. So encourage a healthy diet. Eating as a family can encourage a healthy diet and enhance enthusiasm at the same time. It is also an excellent time to try out that new joke you learned. Exercise together. Go for a walk or a bike ride. Go to the pool or the gym. In addition, encourage each family member’s unique interests. Provide opportunities for them to talk about their interests and listen with genuine enthusiasm. Learn about their interest and give little gifts related to their area of interest. Take turns having a night in which you enjoy nothing but the interests a particular family member.
 
There you have it—simple practices you can engage in to weave curiosity, gratitude, optimism, humor, and enthusiasm into the fabric of your family. And, in doing so, create a happier, more fulfilling family life.

How to Increase Your Child’s Anxiety

Today I had the opportunity to speak with several teens and college age adults. Each one expressed nervous anxiety about life. Many factors contribute to anxiety in people this age. After all, they are navigating a major life transition. Everything in their life is changing. Teens and young adults search to discover their place in an adult world. Decisions are becoming more life altering and consequences more serious. Knowledge previously practiced on paper now has to be applied in practical, real-life circumstances. New friends come into their life and old friends often drift away. These teens and college age adults desire greater independence but still find themselves depending on parents. All of this can create a great deal of nervous anxiety.
 
Parents can help reduce nervousness in their teen or young adult…or they can add anxiety to their child’s already growing case of nerves. In case you would like to increase your child’s anxiety as they navigate their transition into adult, here are five ways to help.
     ·         Always expect more than your child has achieved. If they get an 89% on a test, tell them they should have worked harder to get a 91%. When they do some chore around the house, complain about the part left undone. Never let them think they have done “good enough.” After all, you need them to pursue being the best. It’s a tough world out there.

·         Do not offer them any encouragement, thanks, or praise. They do not need to receive thanks for doing what is expected of them. They will not receive praise and encouragement when they get out in the real world; so toughen them up now. Instead of offering thanks or encouragement, simply point out the next task that needs finished.

·         Oh, along the same lines…never say “I love you;” they may get the wrong idea and think that they have already done enough to “earn your love.”

·         Do not trust them to make decisions on their own. Make all their decisions for them. You determine when they will go to bed and when they will get up. You control your house…and that means you control them. Do not give them responsibility; you manage it all. Some might say you are over-controlling, but you have to maintain total control if you want your child to grow up “a bundle of nerves.”

·         Keep a close eye on your child at all times. I do not mean to simply watch them—I mean overprotect them. Make sure they never experience any discomfort and never have to struggle. If you see them struggle, step right in there and take care of whatever they might struggle with. Whatever they get involved in, you become involved as well. Be actively involved in leading every activity in which they participate–from scouting to youth group to going out with friends. Never leave your children alone…they need your protection.
 
There you have it—five simple ways to create nervous anxiety in your children. If, on the other hand, you would rather your children learn to manage stress and become less anxious as they navigate the journey into adulthood, try these ideas:
     ·         Have fun with your child. Take time to play, laugh, and enjoy activities together.

·         Allow your child to perform less than perfect; in fact, let them fail at times. Do not rescue them from failing. We all learn great lessons through failures. An important lesson to learn is that we survive in spite of failure; and even more important, we grow through failure. So sit back and enjoy some minor failures. (
Click here to see a celebration of “failure.”)

·         Offer words of encouragement and thanks whenever possible. This will not weaken your children but strengthen them. Words of encouragement and gratitude let children know they are appreciated and admired. And, by the way, lay on the words of love and affirmation while you’re at it. When a person knows they are loved, they have less need to be anxious.

·         Teach your children problem-solving skills. As they learn these skills, let them make age appropriate decisions on their own. Begin to let your late teen make decisions regarding how late they stay up. Talk to them about the wisdom of their decision rather than forcing them to go to bed when you determine. This means giving your child an increasing amount of responsibility as they grow…and, allowing them to suffer the consequences of those decisions. Let them learn from the little decisions and mistakes as they grow so they will be better prepared to handle the big decisions of life.

·         Allow your children to experiment and explore. Feed their curiosity. Encourage them to explore. Yes, this can be a bit scary for a parent; but children learn to manage unexpected difficulties and unforeseen problems as they experiment and explore. They gain a sense of pride and personal power as they manage those difficulties. Let your children explore the world in age appropriate ways.

3 Attributes Every Parent Must Balance

Children want parents. Even when they yell in anger that they do not want or need a parent, deep down every child wants parents. Not just any parent either. Children want and need two things from their parents. First, they need parents who demand respect. Parents who are strong (“My dad’s bigger than your dad”). Parents who are not overwhelmed or frightened by their anger or frustration. Parents they can look up to. Second, they need parents who love them unconditionally. Parents who accept them just as they are, pimples and all. Parents they can turn to when hurt, sad, confused, or happy. Parents who are available to comfort and nurture as well as to motivate and discipline. That makes parenting quite the balancing act. You might say that effective parents balance the paradoxical needs of grace and truth, love and limits. Here are 3 specific areas every parent needs to balance in order to provide children with thing paradoxical needs of love and limits. 
  • Parents balance authority with compassion. Authority without compassion becomes harsh, critical, and judgmental. It is more concerned with the rules than the person. A child who lives under authority without compassion will likely rebel. Sooner or later, they will fight against the authority. In addition, they will think more poorly about themselves; after all, “the rules are more important than me and I can’t even keep all the rules.” Ultimately, “rules without relationships lead to rebellion.” Authority balanced with compassion teaches respect and cooperation. A compassionate authority offers meaningful explanations for the rules and emphasizes that the rules are designed for the protection and long-term benefit of the people involved. The practice of compassionate authority clearly places a loving priority on the person.
  • Parents balance protective guidance with the freedom to explore. Children need guidance. They lack the wisdom and experience necessary to make momentary life decisions without parental input. The area of the brain involved in thinking ahead and making complex decisions (the frontal lobe) is not fully developed until the mid-twenties. As a result, parents need to become “co-frontal lobes” with their children and teens, helping them talk through decisions and helping them consider all the possible consequences of that decision. Yes, parents need to offer protective guidance to their children. At the same time, children need room to explore. They need the opportunity to exercise their curiosity. That demands freedom, down time, even unsupervised times. It also means that our children may make mistakes during their exploration. Even then, they benefit from the freedom to learn from those mistakes. Protective guidance and freedom to explore, both offered by a parent to their child.
  • Parents balance belonging with individuality. We love it when our children to engage in family activities. We long for them to remain an integral part of the family. In fact, they need to know they belong, that they have a place in our family. Children grow confident when they know they “fit in” with their family. They grow strong when they know their family sees them as an integral part of the whole family. At the same time, children are their own people. They have their own interests and abilities, their own individuality. As parents, we strive to balance family time with individual time. We work to assure our children feel a sense of belonging and security within the family. We want them to know we enjoy their presence and desire a mutual, reciprocal relationship with them. At the same time, we want to grant them the freedom to become their own person, to pursue their own interests, and to develop their own life. This means “holding them loosely” and “letting them go” as they mature. Quite the balance, to create an intimate sense of belonging with our children while “holding them loosely.”

7 Crucial Lessons for Children to Learn

What do you want your children to know 15-20 years from now? What kind of adult would you like them to become? I believe there are at least 7 crucial lessons for children to learn before they become adults. Maybe you will agree with them…or, maybe you have different lessons you’d like your children to learn.  Let me explain them to you. As I do, remember children learn best by watching our example. If you want your children to learn these lessons, start practicing them yourself. Walk the talk. Live out each lesson in the presence of your children. Lead the way. Let them see you practice them so they can follow in your footsteps. Break through the overgrowth of obstacles that interfere with your children learning these lessons and clear the way for them to practice each one. Anyway, here are 7 crucial lessons for each child to learn.
 
     1.      Love others. Make other people a priority in your life. If you have two coats and your friend has none, give them your extra. Celebrate when other people experience success, even if their success means you finish second. Pocket your pride and put others first. Love in word and deed.

2.      Be your own person—the person God created you to be. You do not have to be one of the crowd. Stand out instead. Allow yourself to be set apart from the crowd. Say “No” to peer pressure. It may be difficult at first, but the long-term benefits include an increase in personal strength, confidence, and wisdom.

3.      Practiced an “attitude of gratitude” every day. Take time to acknowledge the blessings you have. No matter how little you may have compared to your friends, acknowledge the material blessings you do have and show a humble gratitude for those blessings. Even more important, recognize kindnesses from other people. True wealth is not material in nature but relational. Celebrate the abundant relational wealth found in your spouse, children, brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. Take the time to thank the people in your life for all they do for you on a daily basis. Offer thanks for all things—from the seemingly small, insignificant acts to large, life-altering acts.

4.      Accept the consequences of your actions. All actions have consequences, good or bad. Think ahead. Consider the consequences of your actions before you act. And, when all is said and done, accept those consequences. If you make a poor decision or act badly, accept the consequences. Do not balk. We reap what we sow. When you make a wise decision and reap the benefits, accept the consequences. There is no embarrassment in success, even if others become jealous or upset. Enjoy the positive consequences of positive choices and actions.

5.      Remain curious enough to be awed. Never lose the willingness to stand in awe and admiration of a sunset, a majestic mountain, an amazing musical performance, an awesome movie, an astounding talent, a beautiful piece of poetry, or any number of other things. Allow yourself tears of joy, tears of sorrow, and tears of overwhelming awe. Look for those things of beauty found in nature and people or in things created by other people. Remain curious.

6.      Stay humble enough to learn. When you meet people, remain humble enough to learn from them. Ask them questions. People, all people, have amazing things to teach us. You never know what others have experienced and learned unless you ask. Take the time to ask, listen, and learn.

7.      Know God. In all these lessons, look for God. He is everywhere around us. Remain open to seeing Him in the world around us, hearing Him in the voices of those around you, and experiencing His loving presence and guidance in the everyday moments of your life. Seek Him daily, follow Him diligently, and love Him with abandon. 
 
I hope my children learn these lessons as they grow up. And, I hope them learn them from me as their parent. What lessons would you like your children to learn? Please share your ideas in the comment section below.

Groundhog Day: A Do-over

In Western PA, we take Groundhog Day pretty seriously. I have a friend who visits Punxsutawney every year for the Groundhog Day Celebration. The closest I have come to Punxsutawney and Groundhog Day is watching the movie “Groundhog Day” starring Bill Murray. In this movie, Phil (not the groundhog but a news reporter played by Bill Murray) found himself reliving Groundhog Day over and over. Self-absorbed and arrogant, he spent his do-over days doing everything he “always dreamed of” until he discovered that living only for himself did not bring joy, self-absorbed living did not provide escape from the “treadmill” of life. Instead, he discovered that this lifestyle simply pulled him deeper into the despair and drudgery of a lonely, meaningless life. He then decided to do whatever he could to improve his life and become more attractive to his coworker, an attractive female. He learned about her interests so he could talk with her about them. He began to enjoy those activities that she enjoyed, just because she enjoyed them. As he focused on knowing his coworker, he became less self-absorbed and more invested in the joys of selfless relationships. Eventually, he found that showing interest in others and learning how to build true intimacy moved him off the treadmill of a self-centered life and into the joyful journey of companionship.
 
Phil quit living selfishly after he was forced into an automatic do-over. Eventually, he took advantage of that do-over and learned the skills necessary to pursue intimacy with others. In pursuing those skills, Phil found greater joy in life…after all, the greatest joys in life come through relationship. Like Phil, we have opportunities for do-overs as well. Every time we commit some self-centered act (intentionally or accidentally) that strains our relationships, we can call for a do-over. Each time we stop and request a do-over, we gain stronger relational skills and move deeper into the joyful journey of intimacy; and, what better place to practice these intentional do-overs than with family? Here are some of the skills that Phil learned by taking advantage of his “Groundhog Day Do-over.”
·         Be curious about those you love. Learn about their interests. When you talk with family members, spend some time focused on them, their day, their interests, and their dreams.
·         Learn to use repair statements when conflict occurs. When you do something that hurts a family member, say “I’m sorry.” When you say something that brings a painful or hurt expression to a family member’s face, stop and say, “Wait that came out wrong. Let me start over” or “I love you. Let me say that in a more loving way.”
·         Practice intentional acts of kindness toward family. Open the door for them. Give up your desire for an evening enjoying what interests your family. Offer to do a chore for one of your family members. Thank family members for cooking dinner, washing clothes, cleaning up, or any other task they complete that benefits you.
·         Practice intentional acts of kindness toward those outside your family. Your family will admire you and love you even more when they witness you showing kindness to others. Such actions reveal a strong character of integrity… and integrity is the ultimate in attractiveness.
 
You might add your own ideas to this list as you watch the movie or simply go through your day. Most important, enjoy your own do-over the next time you find yourself stuck in the same argument or stress-filled discussion time after time. You can begin your do-over by reading the four suggestions above.
 
I have a friend who visits Punxsutawney every year for the Groundhog Day Celebration. The closest I…. Oh wait, déjà vu. Haven’t we been here before? Oh well, do-over…I’ll get this right yet.
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