Archive for September 29, 2014

Oh, Those Cute Little Attention Suckers

Children crave our attention. They constantly bid for our interactive presence in their life. Exhausted MomThey want us to join them in their world—to become present in their life, and to remain aware of their presence in our life. And, our children will do whatever it takes to make sure they maintain our attention. You have experienced this, I’m sure. Your child is sitting quietly in a room doing their own thing. The phone rings and you begin a conversation with one of your friends. Suddenly, your child wants to ask you questions…they need your help…they want to talk. You ask them to leave you alone for a moment while you talk on the phone. The next thing you know, they are picking up your crystal vase or doing cartwheels in the dining room. They have turned into an attention sucking vampire. Underneath all their questions and crazy behavior, they simply crave your attention and will do whatever it takes to get it! But wait…do not read too many negative intentions into this desire for recognition and attention. After all, they really do need us to survive. Children need us for everything from managing their emotions to regulating their impulses to providing them with food. Still, the little attention sucking vampires can drain a parent of energy. So, what is a parent to do? Here are a couple suggestions to help your child develop a healthy level of attention seeking behavior. It begins with us giving them positive attention.

  1. Catch ’em being good. I realize this is an old saying and perhaps sounds a little cliché; but, if you practice catching your children being good, their negative attention seeking behavior will decrease. They will learn that you are not only aware of their presence, but you are pleased with their presence in your life as well. They will know you delight in them. If you do not “catch ’em being good,” your children will learn that being bad will definitely get your energy and your complete attention…and negative attention is better than no attention. So, put in the effort to “catch ’em being good” every day.
  2. Play with them every day. Take some time every day to engage your children in some playful activity. Let them pick the activity. The activity can range from reading a book to going to a park to playing with dolls. Whatever activity you choose, spend the time focused on your child. Notice their strengths and acknowledge their imagination. Support their creativity. Laugh. Hug. Play.
  3. Respond to your children quickly. Do not ignore your children’s requests. Respond to them. You do not always have to say “yes,” but have the respect to respond. When your children begin to “act up,” respond quickly. If they begin to get angry or frustrated, respond early. Do not let them escalate before responding. If you do not respond quickly, your children will escalate. Their attention seeking behavior will become more adamant and intense. Their frustration will become a tantrum. Their “acting up” will quickly get out of hand. Why? Because they have learned that they have to escalate to get your attention. When you respond quickly, your children learn that they have your attention before they escalate.
  4. Acknowledge your children’s desire non-verbally when you are busy. If you are talking to a friend and your children come up to get something from you, put your arm around them. If your children begin to tell you something when you are not able to answer in length, simply let them know you will “answer them in a minute.” Then immediately address their need when you can. By acknowledging their presence and their need, you have let them know you are aware of them. They are on your mind. By addressing their need as soon as you can, you build trust. Your children learn to wait because they can trust you not to forget them in the process.

 

These four suggestions can help turn your cute little attention sucking vampire into a teddy bear, a child who knows his parents delight in him and hold him in mind. He will trust his parents to provide the attention he needs and seek that attention in more positive ways.

S’More Family Fun

Couple cook by bonfire romantic night countrysideI love the fall weather. The cool fall nights are perfect for a sweatshirt and a campfire. And, you can build a great family fun night right around your campfire. First, tell some stories. Tell funny stories. Reminisce about your favorite family outings and vacations. Share your favorite family stories. Tell your kids stories about your childhood and even stories about their grandparents. Share stories about family members who have overcome adversity or survived embarrassing moments. Weave together a series of stories that exemplify the strengths of various family members. Sharing these stories can lead to laughter, a greater sense of security, and a stronger identity for your children.

There is no need to limit campfire to storytelling. Bring out the graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows so you can build some s’mores to have s’more fun. What could be more fun than sharing family stories and serving one another s’mores? Oh, I know…get some hot dogs, too. I love a hot dog roasted over the open fire. Go ahead. Live it up. Hot dogs, s’mores, family stories, and great family fun!

The Top 6 Reasons for Men to Help Around the House

A recent study conducted by Alyssa Croft, a PhD Candidate in the University of British Columbia, suggests that “girls grow up with broader career goals in households where domestic duties are shared more equitably by parents” (Read review of study here). In other words, girls who watch their father do dishes, laundry, and other household chores Man ironing a pair of jeansbelieve they can pursue a broader range of vocational options, not just “feminine oriented jobs.” The broader range of options includes vocations that range from nurse to doctor, teacher to accountant, librarian to scientist, secretary to lawyer. Girls who witnessed their father engage in household chores were also more likely to envision themselves as having future careers in leadership or management positions.

 

Interestingly, mothers and fathers had a different impact on their daughter’s future in this study of 326 children between the ages of seven and thirteen years. A mother’s belief about gender and work equality predicted the daughter’s attitude toward gender. But, a father’s actual involvement in household chores seemed to be the key to open the gate for daughters to pursue more career roles involving leadership, management, or professional positions. It seems actions speak louder than words in the case of fathers and careers!

 

I don’t know about you, but I’d like my daughters to experience the freedom to pursue any career they choose, whether it be a stay-at-home mom, nurse, doctor, teacher, or business owner. If my sharing household chores can help broaden their perceived career options, then I guess I can wash some dishes and help with the laundry. However, I believe there are other, even more, significant reasons for a husband and father to help with household chores. Let me share six.

  1. We already learned that it might help to broaden our daughter’s perceived career options. But, there…I said it again.
  2. A father who helps with household chores is modeling a humble attitude of service. I hear men speak of themselves as leaders in the home. Well, take that role of leadership seriously by leading in the art of service. Show your family that leaders serve.
  3. When a father helps with household chores, he shows the importance of working together. It takes a whole family to keep a household running smoothly. Dusting, cooking ironing, cleaning, laundry, yard work, setting and clearing the table…the list goes on…and it is too much for one person! When a husband models a willingness to join the team and actively participate in the day to day household duties, children are more likely to work for the “team” (AKA-family) as well.
  4. Helping with household chores is an expression of love and appreciations. When a husband washes dinner dishes, he is, in a very practical way, expressing love and appreciation for his wife cooking the dinner. Expressing love and appreciation will grow a more intimate marital relationship and close-knit family. So, show how much you love and appreciation your wife by cleaning the bathroom.
  5. As Kevin Leman said, “sex begins in the kitchen.” Women find men who do household chores somewhat sexy. They are drawn to men who can humbly serve in doing household chores. If you think I’m making this up, check out this short 1-min-51-sec video…unbelievable. Need I say more?
  6. The number one reason for/ husbands and fathers to help with household chores… because dishes get dirty, furniture gets dusty, and laundry needs folded. We like to get things done. If it needs done, “man up” and do it.

Charlie Pride and Four Secrets to Life-Long Marital Bliss

I constantly search for secrets to a better marriage and family life. I need all the help I can get. Recently, I rediscovered a profound lesson for creating a life-long marriage. I had heard this advice as a child, even learned it in the car with my family; but, I did not realize the wisdom behind the words until I was married. Of all the places, I learned this lesson singing along with the radio…and Charlie Pride was my teacher. You may have learned this song as well. He called it “the secret to his happiness.” It goes like this:

Senior Couple - Kiss on the Cheek“You’ve got to…kiss an angel good morning

And let her know you think about her when you’re gone.

Kiss an angel good morning

And love her like the devil when you get back home.”

(Click here to listen to Charlie Pride sing the whole song)

 

This little chorus offers four secrets to life-long marriage bliss. Here they are:

  1. “KISS…” Show physical affection. Kiss your spouse in the morning. Kiss your spouse to greet her when you get back home. Kiss your spouse goodnight. In John Gottman’s “Magic Five Hours,” he recommends giving your spouse physical affection for at least five minutes per day. Kiss, hold, grab, and touch. Show some physical affection to your angel (AKA-spouse).
  2. “Kiss an ANGEL….” View your spouse as an angel. In other words, nurture your admiration for your spouse. Take time to recall what attracts you to your spouse. Think about those traits you admire in your spouse, those unique characteristics you adore. Then communicate that admiration to your spouse on a daily basis.
  3. “…let her know you think about her when you’re gone.” Keep your spouse in mind, even when you are apart. Text you spouse a message or two (“I love you,” “What are you doing?” etc.) just to let her know she is on your mind. If you see something your spouse likes that is small enough to buy, get it for her. If it is too big to take home (a sunset, a bird she likes), take a picture and text it to her. Little things like this can let her know she is “always on my mind…” (Oops, wrong song).
  4. “Love her like the devil when you get back home.” Don’t come home, sit in your chair, and vegetate. Let your actions reveal your love. Spend time with your spouse. Share what happened in your day. Help her with a project around the house. Watch a show together. Interact. Communicate. Serve. Oh yeah, show some physical affection. “Love her…when you get back home.”

 

When husbands and wives both practice these four tips, you can enjoy an intimate life-long marriage…and thank Charlie Pride for the advice!

Driving Children or Leading Children

I read that General Eisenhower would demonstrate the art of leadership with a piece of string. After laying the string on a table, he would say, “Notice what happens when I pull the string; it goes wherever I lead it. Now watch what happens when I push the string; it goes nowhere at all—that’s assault, not leadership.” What a great quote on leadership…and parenting! Many parents drive their children rather than lead their children. Consider just three differences.

 

military policeProdding them or inspiring them. Parents who drive their children push them, cajole them, and prod them to produce, accomplish, and succeed. They often express dissatisfaction with a less than stellar performance. Parents who lead do so by example. Leading implies going ahead of them to show the way. A parent’s leadership will inspire children to follow in their parent’s footsteps. If you want your children to eat a healthy diet and exercise, do so yourself. If you want your children to exhibit respect, be polite yourself. Say “please” and “thank you” to them and others. Let them hear you say polite words often. If you want your children to go to church, enjoy going yourself. You get the idea. When parents drive their children, they push them into the unknown alone. A parent who leads goes before their child into that unknown. A parent who guides goes with their child into that unknown. Both leading and guiding create a sense of safety for children. Our children learn from our example, not our constant prodding and pushing. So, quit prodding and inspire them instead…take the lead.

 

Laying down the law or studying the book. Parents who drive their children focus on the rules. They lay down the law and demand compliance. Rules keep us on the straight and narrow, away from the evil influences around us. But, an overabundance of rules and a focus on the rules will send a message of distrust in your children, their knowledge of right behavior, their desire to behave appropriately, and their ability to do so. A focus on rules may also force children to break the rules just to establish their own independence. Parents who lead focus on relationship. Sure they have rules but they focus on a relationship with their children. They have become a student of their children. They constantly learn about their children’s interests, friends, fears, vulnerabilities, dreams, etc. Parents who lead have an unquenchable thirst to know their children. Out of that knowledge, a parent can lead, motivate, and inspire their children to be their best.

 

Running away or running to. Parents who drive their children establish a strong authoritarian presence. Their children often respond to the authoritarian demands and expectations in one of two ways: rebellion or withdrawal. When children have parents who drive them, they shrink away from their parents’ voice. Demands and rules cause children to shrink away in fear.  Authoritarian expectations cause children to shrink into a shell, withdrawing for fear of failure and never being good enough to meet their parents’ expectations and so please them.  Children may also rebel in the face of the excessive demands and expectations of authoritarian parents. In order to “become their own person,” they have to rebel. Parents who lead establish a strong authority based on relationship. Their children rise up to their parents’ voice. They respond with confidence to the family expectation. They feel known and valued so they act more responsibly and respectfully.

 

We could go on, but let me ask you: do you drive your children or lead them? Do you push them into the unknown or lead them by example? Do you focus primarily on “laying down the law” or on “building a relationship” of mutual trust and respect…or both? Does your voice and presence cause your children to shrink or grow? Pull the string, don’t push it. Take the lead!

The Secret to a More Passionate Marriage

I recently read a blog on Greater Good (All You Need is Love, Oxytocin, and Gratitude) that revealed an interesting secret for building a stronger, more passionate marriage. I will give you the secret if you promise to try it out for several weeks. It works…even though it is not that hard! Here’s the secret. You’re going to love it! In order to have a more African American Couple Laughing On The Floorintimate, passionate marriage, express gratitude for your spouse. Wait a second. Don’t quit yet. When I say gratitude I do not mean a simple thank you. Gratitude is more than appreciating what your spouse does. Gratitude is appreciating who your spouse is…not just appreciating that they brought you home a gift or emptied the dishwasher but appreciating that they are thoughtful enough to know that such a simple act would mean something to you. When we express that kind of gratitude (thus the secret) to our spouse, our marriage will grow more passionate. Research shows that sharing this type of gratitude increases joy and enthusiasm for both partners as well as the overall quality of the relationship. Couples that express and receive this type of gratitude from one another are also more peaceful, confident, and amused. Both partners perceive the other as more understanding, validating, caring, and responsive. These “feel good results” arise because of the oxytocin released into each person’s system in response to this type of gratitude. Interestingly, sharing a personal positive event with your spouse does not produce all these great results. Instead, sharing a personal positive event simply increases joy and enthusiasm. It seems that focusing on the other person with an attitude of gratitude has a special effect…an effect that goes beyond merely telling my spouse about the good events of my life. So, go ahead and talk about the fun events you experienced while apart from your spouse for the day. Share the positive experiences you enjoyed as an individual. That will increase joy and enthusiasm in you and your relationship. But, if you want a really intimate and passionate marriage, get beyond your own experiences and start to express how much you appreciate your spouse’s actions and, even more important, the person behind those actions.

6 Tips for Practical Acceptance

We all long for acceptance. We want to be an integral part of a group, especially our family. Feeling accepted creates a sense of safety and security. Knowing others accept us gives us a sense of personal value. It helps us realize that “I am loved no matter what.” If we do not feel accepted, we do not feel valued. Instead, we feel abandoned and rejected. We become driven to find acceptance; we may fight for acceptance…or just give up and believe ourselves unacceptable. Many teens who struggle with drugs, a lack of motivation, self-injurious behaviors, or unhealthy relationships are longing for acceptance but looking
for it in “all the wrong places.” When I ask them to explain what compels them to engage in these negative behaviors, they often describe the acceptance they find among others who engage in similar behaviors or a sense that “nobody cares so why should I.”

 

Parents kissing their cute little babyLet me state the obvious: Acceptance begins in the family! Children need acceptance from their parents and one another. Wives need acceptance from their husbands. Husbands need acceptance from their wives. And, when you get right down to it, parents desire to have the acceptance of their children, especially as their children move toward adulthood. Acceptance begins in the home. How can we practice acceptance in the family?

  • Be tolerant of differences among your family. A family blossoms into full beauty when they not only tolerate individual differences but cherish those differences. Take time to learn about your children’s interests. Find a way to enjoy your spouse’s hobby. Learn to appreciate your parents’ talents. Encourage the unique characteristics of each family member and even help provide opportunities for them in those areas.
  • Rather than nag your spouse or children to change, consider the possibility of humbly changing yourself.  Accept that your spouse or children might have a different opinion than you, an opinion that is still valid. Quit nagging, change your perspective, and, when necessary, change your actions. Of course there are some things that you cannot accept. I’m not talking about those things. But, take an honest look and make sure the issue really is worth the nagging. If not (and it probably is not), practice acceptance. Replacing nagging with acceptance is an act of grace and an expression of love.
  • Be aware of developmental abilities. I know this sounds basic, but many people forget to practice acceptance in this area. We yell at our four-year-old for being “immature.” We complain about our six-year-old son constantly fidgeting. We demand our eight-year-old remember to “play her position” on the soccer field. But, in each instance, the child is just not developmentally ready to meet that demand; and, complaining about it only sends a message that they “are not good enough.” Rather than demand more “mature” behavior, accept family member’s at the developmental level they have achieved. Let kids be kids.
  • Be aware and accepting of personality differences.  Maybe your meek husband does not push to get ahead or your gregarious wife loves to talk. Accept those unique personality traits. Remember how that unique personality initially attracted you to your spouse.
  • Quit comparing. Comparing communicates “you’re not quite good enough.” Instead of comparing, recognize and talk about the strengths your spouse and children possess. Talk about the aspects you admire and appreciate in your spouse and children.
  • Express your love, admiration, and encouragement as energetically as you express disappointment in unwise decisions, anger at disobedience, or fear of failure.

 

When you practice these six practical ways to communicate acceptance in your family, you make your family feel valued, significant, and confident. More importantly, you express a deep love for your family. So why wait? Start practicing today!

Dear Children, The Real Reason I Make You Do Chores

Children, sometimes I ask you to help around the house or in the yard. Sometimes I may even expect you to do quite a bit. So, I feel as though I need to tell you the real reason I expect you to do chores. Contrary to what you might think, it is not so I can enjoy the fruits of child labor or sit in my chair watching the game while you do all the work. No, my main reason for making you do chores is much more personal. One reason I make you do chores is revealed in a study completed in 2003 by M. Rossman at the University of Minnesota. This study suggested that the best predictor of a person’s success in their mid-Mother And Son Doing Laundrytwenties is participating in household chores starting around three or four years of age. Success in this study included not using drugs, completing their education, starting their career, and having high quality relationships. I want you to have those things…and if chores will help, I want you to do chores. But, that is not my main reason.

 

There are other reasons I make you do chores. Chores teach us to wait for and work for good things rather than jump at the first thing that comes along. Learning to help with household chores teaches many life skills as well…skills like dusting, vacuuming, cleaning, keeping a neat home, how to do laundry, hot wo maintain a year.  Knowing how to do these tasks will make you more independent and reliable. As much as I hate to see you grow up and leave home, I want you to have all these skills before you go. But, this is still not my main reason for making you do chores.

 

You have to admit, after we finish mowing, weeding, and trimming the yard (or picking up, dusting, and vacuuming the living room) it is nice to sit back and look at our work. Chores give us that opportunity…the opportunity to feel good about work we complete and completed well. I want you to have that experience and take it with you wherever you go. That sense of competence and achievement will help you develop a strong work ethic and lead to greater success at work and in relationships. As important as this is, it is still not my main reason for making you do chores.

 

My main reason for making you do chores is much more personal. I make you do chores because…I love you. You are part of our family. As a family, we work as a team to keep our household running smoothly. In all reality, I cannot do it alone. I need you. I want you to know you are a valued member of our family. We need your strength, your insight, and your participation. We need you. Your contribution to our family is irreplaceable. And, I enjoy working with you. I enjoy our time together, talking as we work—sharing the burden, laughing as we struggle through an obstacle. Having you work by my side makes everything go by quicker and seam easier. So thank you. Thank you for helping with the household chores. When you start your own family, I hope you will look back on our projects with joy and give your children the same opportunities to groan and complain while you love them, nurture them, and cherish your time doing chores with them.

“Thin Places” at Family Camp-2014

My family and I just returned home from Family Camp at Camp Christian. We go every year…and every year we enjoy great fellowship of other families, moving worship, and wonderful teaching. This year, Rob Grandi was the speaker. He spoke of family as the “most important place on earth.” In one of Rob’s messages, he spoke of “thin places,” places where heaven comes close to earth. He noted that the temple, with the Ark of the Covenant in the Holy of familysunheartHolies, is a thin place…a place where God and heaven come close to earth. The manger where Jesus lay after His birth was a “thin place” where angels gathered near the earth to watch the Son of God become man. Family Camp seems a “thin place” to me. God draws near as we draw together to celebrate family and worship Him.  I agree with Rob that families, especially Christian families, are “thin places.” In Christian families, God and heaven come near to earth. God bridge the gap from heaven to earth in order to commune with our families, making our families a “thin place.” The more we, as parents, commune with God and draw near to Him, the closer heaven comes to our family…and the more our family becomes a little taste of heaven, a communion with God, a “thin place.” That is a beautiful image of what we desire our families to become and I plan to strive harder to narrow that “thin place” even more.

I am always impressed with the generations that gather together at the “thin place” of Family Camp. Couples who have already “launched” their children mingle with parents of newborns and everyone in between. I love to watch the interaction between generations.  Parents of young children learn they can survive (even thrive and enjoy) the time of active toddlerhood and busy teens as they hear grandparents describe the joys of watching their children start their own families.  Couples whose children have “left the roost” enjoy interaction with youth. Wisdom and energy is shared between the generations. I find great joy in seeing a young child feel comfortable enough to worship between a family member and an adult that is not biological family, to receive love and affection from both, to share conversation and fun with both. It reminds me that it really does take a village to raise a family…and our village is one big family, with God as our Father and Jesus as our Brother. Together, we draw near to God and one another. We encourage, build up, guide, and support one another through the joys and trials of life. (Sounds like a “thin place” doesn’t it?)  For that, I am most thankful.

Thanks to the Jones’s for another great weekend of Family Camp…and thanks to all who volunteered and all who attended to make is such a beautiful weekend. I’m already looking forward to next year at Family Camp!

Dunkin’ Donuts & A Better Behaved Child

I stood in line at Dunkin’ Donuts when a mother and her young son entered the store. They line was moving very slow. As we waited for the opportunity to pick out our donuts, this boy’s excitement began to bubble over. Suddenly, the levee that contained his excitement Mother And Son Doing Laundrybroke. He burst out into loud sounds, large gestures, and a quick run in circles around his mother. His mother calmly picked him up and smiled. He smiled back as she said, “You are really excited for your donut aren’t you?”  His eyes grew so large with excitement and joy I thought they might pop out.  “But,” she continued, “Do you see all the people already eating their donuts?” The little boy looked around and nodded. “We will get our donut soon.” He hugged his mother at those words. She continued, “In the meantime, all the people eating donuts now don’t want to be disturbed by someone running and yelling. So…, (I don’t know if she paused for dramatic effect, but I leaned forward waiting for “the rest of the story”) will you stand patiently with me while we wait for our donut?” The young man smiled and shook his head yes. She set him down and together they stood, hand in hand, patiently waiting for their turn to order a donut. I stood in line and smiled. I had just witnessed a wonderful example of the effectiveness of inductive parenting.

 

Inductive parenting is considered the most effective parenting style for helping a child internalize social norms and family values. Three components make it so effective. First, inductive parenting communicates how actions affect other people. When this young mother told her son to “see all the people…,” she raises his awareness of others. She did not judge or lecture. She simply made him aware. In doing so, she taught him to have empathy, to think about other people, to see things from their perspective. She encouraged him to experience his behavior from another person’s point of view. Her son will learn to recognize how his behavior affects others in positive and negative ways as she continues to do this. In short, he will earn to be respectful of other people.

 

Second, inductive parenting teaches the benefits of “social cooperation.” When this young boy’s mother told him ‘the people eating don’t want to be disturbed by someone running and yelling,” she was teaching him social cooperation, to think about other people and be considerate of their rights and desires. He learned that respecting other people involves cooperating with their desires, not just thinking of his own desires.

 

Third, inductive parenting gives a positive behavioral alternative. The mother described above did this when she asked her son to “stand with me while we wait.” Not only did this young man learn to be aware of the impact of his behavior on others and to respect other people by cooperating with their desires, but he learned how to do this. In addition, his mother stood with him, hand in hand as they talked about their plans for the day. He learned and experienced the joy of interacting with his mother while waiting in line. Most likely, he saw the smiles of other patrons as they witnessed a mother and son having a positive, respectful interaction (after all, she made her son aware of them).

 

Using the three components of inductive parenting will help your child internalize your family values. One more tip to help the process along: do not lecture. Simply state the expectation or raise your child’s awareness and move on. Keep it brief and to the point. Even better, as your children learn the expectations ask them rather than tell them. “Is that how we act in public?” “How do you think your behavior is making other customers feel?” “Is that how a young man/lady behaves?” Asking questions encourages your child to process what they already know. Each time they process what they know and think it through, the more likely they will act on it in the future.