I often hear people say that money is “the issue that is most often at the root of marital problems.” I agree that money gives rise to many problems, but I don’t believe it is the root of those problems. It is not the money in and of itself that creates the problem. Yes, money becomes symptomatic of the problem and can become the focal point of the problem. However, the real issue is much deeper than the money. The real issue becomes one of communication, meaning, and compromise. Let me explain.

• Money can contribute to greater conflict when partners have differing views about the meaning of money. For instance, one partner may view money as a source of security. Another might view money as a boost in self-esteem as it allows them to provide for their family. Still others see money as providing an opportunity to enjoy activities together. If the people in a marriage have these differing views of money it can create conflict…UNLESS they learn to communicate about these needs. As couples learn to talk about what money “means to them,” they can actually learn to love one another more deeply by remaining sensitive to one another’s needs. They can work together to use money as a tool to meet both people’s needs. With communication and discussion, money has become an opportunity to learn about one another, love one another, and grow more intimate with one another.
• Money contributes to greater conflict when partners underappreciate the challenges and sacrifices the other partner makes to acquire money. Partners who work to earn money for the household make sacrifices in their time and energy to do so. Most often, they willingly make these sacrifices, at least initially, because they love their spouse, their family, and the home they are creating. Partners who do the shopping for the household also make sacrifices in time and “wants” in their effort to give the family “the best they can with the money we have.” When one feels unappreciated for their effort and sacrifice, it can contribute to conflict. On the other hand, when each spouse takes the time to express appreciation for their spouse’s sacrifice and effort in providing for the family, it will contribute to greater intimacy. Communicating appreciation and gratitude for a person’s efforts to bring finances into the home and manage them well will enhance marital intimacy.
• Money contributes conflict when one marital partner or both partners overspend. Debt is stressful. One of the best actions to express gratitude for your partner’s effort in bringing finances into the home is to spend wisely and in collaboration with your spouse. This means talking about finances and purchases, even dream purchases (especially dream purchases). Sometimes it entails waiting and saving, as a couple, before making the purchase. Marriages grow more intimate as partners discuss their budgets and spending habits, dreams, and how to save for those dreams. When one partner has a particular purchase they would like to make, talking as a couple provides the opportunity to work together to help that partner achieve their purchase. Doing so becomes an expression of love, cooperation, and commitment to the security of your marriage. Once again, it all begins with communication.

All in all, money contributes to conflict when partners avoid talking about it. However, when couples talk about money (their budget, their dream purchases, the meaning of money to them, their values around money), it becomes a source of growing intimacy. I know it can be difficult to have conversations around money, but the rewards of greater intimacy and security in your marriage that such a conversation nurtures will far outweigh the difficulties. So, grab a cup of tea, pull up a chair, and talk about money with your spouse.