Have you ever lied to your spouse? Maybe not a “big lie” but a “little, white lie”? Or, perhaps more likely, a lie of omission? If you have, you’re not alone. Generally speaking, people become “less than honest” with their spouse in response to fear. Specifically, we may fear being evaluated or judged. As a result, we avoid stating how we really think or feel about a situation, an action, or a statement from our spouses. We may also decide not to tell our spouse what we need in the relationship because of our fear of judgment and so engage in the lie of omission.

Fear of hurting our spouses’ feelings is another reason we may avoid telling the truth to our spouses. Because of our love for our spouse, we might avoid saying something, even something truthful, that might hurt their feelings and make everyone uncomfortable for a time. In other words, we withhold the truth to “keep the peace” or keep our spouse happy. 

Unfortunately, these “little white lies” and lies of omission can lead to “relational stress.” When we don’t speak up for our needs, we may find ourselves resentful about unmet needs. As resentment lingers and ferments, it erodes our trust and intimacy.

The fear of judgment that keeps us silent about the truth also contributes to defensiveness. Defensiveness quickly slides into contempt. With resentment and contempt taking up residence in our minds, we begin to think “my spouse isn’t on my side.”  

In each scenario, our sense of intimacy suffers, and we begin to feel isolated. The disconnection that accompanies isolation grows and leads to further loneliness, even within our marriage. As you can see, avoiding the hard discussions of honesty robs us of the opportunity to listen deeply to one another, appreciate one another’s needs, and transform minor (and major) struggles into an opportunity to grow more intimate.

So how can you promote honesty within your marriage?

• Approach your spouse with curiosity and interest. Your spouse is the most interesting person in your life. They have changing and growing strengths, opinions, ideas, and skills. In a sense, they are a mystery that you grow to love more as you explore them more deeply and lovingly. Approach them with curiosity, not suspicion; interest, not mistrust.
• Ask your spouse questions that encourage them to elaborate on their viewpoint or perspective. Questions like “Tell me more,” or “Why do you think that?” To do this well requires humility to recognize that they have a valid viewpoint and perspective from which you can learn, even if you disagree. Listen. Ask questions to understand more deeply. Take the “deep dive” into understanding your spouse.
• Share your own truth in love. Don’t blurt out an honest opinion or honest request in a harsh manner. Share your truth in love, with kindness and sensitivity. Use what John Gottmann calls a gentle start-up whenever you have a difficult truth to share. Remember, “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Work on keeping your truth gentle, loving, and kind.
• Prioritize your relationship over the individual. You can still talk about what you need from the relationship, even what you want. But, never let your wants or desires become more important than your relationship or the wants and desires of your spouse. After all, “with humility of mind we regard one another as more important than ourselves; not merely looking out for our own personal interests but also for the interest of our spouse” (paraphrasing Paul to the Philippians).
• Commit to being aware of your spouse’s emotions and allowing their emotions to influence how you approach them. In a similar vein, commit to managing your own emotions. When both partners approach difficult situations in a calm, loving manner and allow their spouse’s emotional tone to influence them in the moment, they create a safe place for the expression of truth.
• Allow your spouse to influence you. When your spouse knows that you respond in a kind, loving manner to their vulnerabilities and sensitivities, they will feel safe. When they know their opinions, desires, and needs influence your decisions and actions, they feel more secure. This safety and security can lead to a more transparent, honest relationship primed for greater intimacy.