I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” I’m not hunting flies, but this saying is also true when it comes to healthy marriages. Well, I don’t mean the “honey & vinegar thing.” I mean the meaning rings true. You know, compliments (honey) strengthen marriages better than vinegar (complaints).  It’s really not surprising either.

• Complaints focus on undesired behavior, keeping the undesired behavior in the forefront of everyone’s mind. A compliment, however, brings desired behavior to the forefront. A compliment gives attention to the desired behavior. We are more likely to act in accordance with what lies in the forefront of our mind. Compliment those behaviors you’d like to keep in the forefront of everyone’s mind.
• Complaints reinforce negative behaviors with attention. It may not be good attention, but it’s attention, nonetheless. A compliment reinforces positive behaviors with attention. Those behaviors most often reinforced with attention will be the behaviors most often repeated. Reinforce the behaviors you want to see repeated, give them your attention.
• Complaints throw up a wall between you and your spouse. Compliments, on the other hand, create a deeper bond based on recognition of delightful and enjoyable aspects between you and your spouse.
• Complaints make a spouse feel inadequate. “I can never please them” or “They’re never happy” becomes the mantra of one who receives constant complaints. Compliments make your spouse feel valued. They communicate how much you appreciate your spouse and their efforts. Compliments make your spouse feel appreciated.
• Complaints discourage your spouse from doing things. Why try if “my spouse” is just going to complain about everything anyway? Compliments, on the other hand, encourage your spouse. Now they may desire to do even a mundane chore because they know it will bring positive attention from you and become an expression of their love for you.

It’s true, “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” Or, in the case of marriage, “you find more intimacy and joy with compliments than complaints.”