Tag Archive for encouragement

Are You Giving Your Family A Mud Bath?

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I remember giving my children baths when they were infants. They loved to play with the bubbles and the little toys we put in the tub. Sometimes, we would come home from a hard day of play and they would be so filthy a bath just wouldn’t cut it. You know the days: days when you and your children come home covered with sweat, dust, and even mud. I recall having my daughter in a child-seat on the back of my bicycle while we rode through mud puddles…laughing as mud splashed up all over us. We had a great time, but left for home covered in mud. When we got home, we did not just plop her in clean bath water. First, we rinsed all the mud off. Then we rinsed the mud out of the tub. Only after completing both of those tasks did we fill the tub up with fresh water and allow her to bath. After all, who would wash their child in a muddy tub? 
 
Even though we would never bathe our children in a mud puddle or a tub filled with mud, we sometimes shower our family with muddy, offensive words. Every day we bathe our children and our spouse in our spoken word. Each time we shower them with words, we pour patterns of thought into their lives that shapes how they see themselves, their family, and even the world around them. Words, like water, can gently wash away the hurt, pain, and shame of mistakes, misunderstanding, and even sin. On the other hand, words have the power to erode a person’s self-confidence and drown them in shame, disgrace, anger, and fear. So, in what kind of words do you bathe your family?
 
·         Do you bathe your family in sensitive words of love and affection? Or, do you shower them with insensitive words and rationalize it because of your anger?
·         Do you shower your family with words of gratitude and respect? Or, do you flood them with disrespect and criticism?
·         Do you bathe your family in words of encouragement and appreciation? Or, do you send torrents of crass, demeaning words through your home?
·         Do you bathe your family in loving words of accountability? Or, do you sprinkle derogatory, shame inducing words on family members who misbehave?
·         Do you take your family to movies or places where words of purity, integrity, and value wash over their minds and hearts? Or, do you take your family to places where they find themselves submerged in words of animosity, selfishness, and impurity?
 
Paul, writing to the Ephesians, suggested that husbands be like Christ, who washed and cleansed His Bride in water by His word. Christ cleanses us with His word. Will we do the same? We can change our family for better or worse with the words we allow to wash over them, whether those words come from us or the environments to which we take them. Cleansing our family with loving, affectionate, and sensitive words can revolutionize a family… not just for today but for generations to come!
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4 Steps to a New Child

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Parents help their children replace problem behavior with more appropriate behavior. It sounds so simple when stated in that sentence; but, every parent knows that helping children grow is anything but simple! Here are four steps that just might ease the way a little. At the very least, these four steps for helping change behavior will provide a guideline to keep parents on the path toward growing healthy, mature children. The first step involves increasing your children’s awareness of the problem and how it affects them. They will not gain that awareness if we, as parents, continue to bail them out of the problem or minimize the consequences of the problem behavior. As long as parents bail them out of every problem or minimize the consequences of the behavior, children never realize that the problem actually affects them. Let the natural consequences of behavior fall where they may. Let the children endure some of the discomfort and pain that naturally results from problem behavior.
 
Second, once your children realize that a problem exists and that it affects them, resist the temptation to rescue them or solve the problem. Instead, step back and talk with them about the problem. Learn about their perspective of the problem behavior. What led them to engage in that behavior? Did it have any perceived positive results? How did it not work? What was the negative result of the problem behavior? What result would they rather achieve? Explore positive alternative behaviors that might obtain the results they seek. Consider each alternative individually and discuss the skills needed to engage in that positive behavior. Do they need to trust themselves more? Talk with a parent first? Seek out an adult or a mentor? What skills do they need to learn? How can they learn those skills? Throughout this discussion, write down the ideas and a plan, step by step.
 
Third, consider the benefits and costs of changing the negative behavior. Map out the logical consequences of each alternative behavior step by step, so your children will understand the benefits of the new behavior. Your children may have to learn skills, avoid certain places, make new friends, build up the courage to talk with an adult, etc. These steps take energy and time. As you review these steps with your child, compare the costs in time and energy to the benefits gained over time. Make sure your children recognize and believe that the alternatives behaviors are worth the effort. If they do not, recall the negative results of the problem behavior and continue to explore alternative behaviors until you agree upon one in which the benefits outweigh the costs. Also, discuss how you, as a parent, can support your children in making the change. Once you have an agreed upon alternative, make a commitment to change.
 
Fourth, encourage your children along the way. Change does not happen immediately, so watch for subtle changes and progress toward the final goal. Recognize progress toward the alternative behavior. Acknowledge efforts made. Support your children in ways that you agreed upon in step three. Don’t forget to celebrate progress. All efforts to grow are worthy of celebration!
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5 Mistakes to Avoid When Praising Your Child

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Parents can promote good behavior, maturity, and positive growth in their children through encouragement and praise…well, most of the time. Encouragement and praise can also undermine a child’s growth and maturity. “What’s that you say?” It is true. If we, as parents, want encouragement to promote maturity and positive growth in our children, rather than undermine it, we have to avoid these five mistakes.
     ·         Do not overdo the praise. Go ahead and encourage, but keep the encouragement appropriate to the behavior. Too many times we praise our children endlessly because they completed a chore like setting the table or taking out the garbage. We raise the roof with accolades because they obtained “A’s” on their report card. We celebrate “graduation” from preschool with a big party and catered dinner. Children see through this façade and soon learn to interpret praise and encouragement as simple manipulation. Studies conducted in the classroom have revealed that students believe that praise and encouragement, when given indiscriminately, simply reveal who is least capable and who is struggling most; after all, parents and teachers, in an effort to encourage and build their self-esteem, “pour the praise on” those students who do more poorly. Don’t let this stop you from encouraging your children. Go ahead and praise. Give encouragement. But, make sure the encouragement matches the act. Some behavior requires a simple “thank you” or an acknowledgement that it was completed, not a party or a flood of accolades.

·         Do not praise with global statements like “Good job” or “That’s beautiful.” Such global statements leave room for misinterpretation. What was good about it? What makes it beautiful? Global statements of praise and encouragement also call the credibility of the person offering praise into question. After all, if I praise everything my child does, which acts were truly praiseworthy? A child will begin to question our “praise-credibility” when they hear us praise making their bed and graduation from college as “amazing, you did such a wonderful job.” Instead of offering global praise, encourage, acknowledge, or praise some specific aspect of what they did. For instance, rather than, “What a beautiful picture,” you might say, “I really like the colors you chose. How did you pick them out?” Instead of saying, “You did an amazing job helping with dinner,” try saying, “Thanks for mashing the potatoes.”

·         Do not attach a character label to your praise. When we say things like, “Good boy,” “Good girl,” or “That’s Daddy’s girl” when our children do something for us, we build a performance-based standard of acceptance. We subtly imply that “goodness” is only achieved through performance; our love is tied to performance. Instead, offer a simply smile, a “thank you,” an “I appreciate that,” or a pat on the back. Also, remember to acknowledge and praise the efforts our children make, even if the effort does not pay off with success. Thank them for their thoughtfulness, their desire to help, their effort to improve, even when they fall short of perfection. This communicates unconditional acceptance…and, it encourages continued effort.

·         Avoid the “Yeah, but’s.” You know what I mean…”You did a good job cleaning your room, but…” “Great job mowing the grass, but…” “What an excellent report card, but…” “That is the most beautiful picture I have ever seen, but….” (Notice the “overdoing” in these statements as well.) Any praise with a “but” added on becomes a criticism. It puts our children on the defensive. It makes them feel as though they are “never good enough.” They hear us telling them that they are inadequate and incapable of satisfying us. So, offer up your praise and encouragement, but leave the “but” off. Keep the praise “but-less.”

·         Finally, do not step in and take over. When we step in to finish the job or “put the finishing touches on it,” we communicate that our children “cannot do it” and that we “do not trust them to do it.” When your children wrap a present, let it go. It may not be perfect, but it was their job. Find some positive aspect of the job to acknowledge and let it go. When your children dust the furniture, do not redo it. Instead, offer some supervision while they do it; and, if you see an area in which they can improve, simply teach them. Doing so will communicate that you trust your children to do the job and you know they have the ability to learn the job.
 
There you have it, 5 mistakes to avoid when praising and encouraging children. So, get out there and praise your children. “You’ll do such a wonderful job. I know you will. You are so talented….” Oops, I got carried away and broke my own rules. I guess we all make our mistakes. Have fun!
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Heroes: Step Aside, Competence Awaits

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Several years ago, I watched a 6-year-old leaping up and down in an attempt to grab a bar and hold onto it while sliding across a low hanging beam. She had done it several times, but had now grown tired. So, she jumped and missed the bar several times. Each time she missed, she would grunt and groan…louder and louder with each failed attempt. Her father (I knew the family) walked over and offered to lift her up to grab the bar. She refused and continued to try on her own. With each attempt, her groans grew more frustrated and her uncle (who was also at the park) grew more frustrated. “Would you just help her already?” the uncle yelled from where he sat talking to another girl. But, the father did not help. He simply stood next to his daughter and offered as much support as she wanted. Within moments, the 6-year-old’s persistence paid off. She caught the bar and slid across the beam… smiling from ear to ear at her accomplishment.
 
On the surface this looks like a child playing in the park. Her father and uncle stood nearby: one grew increasingly frustrated and wanted to step in to solve the dilemma while the other just stood idly by offering his help if desired. But, look again. On a deeper level, this incident epitomizes the development of competence. Competence is rooted in the experience of facing and mastering challenges. It necessitates that parents learn to balance when to get out of their child’s way while she persists in some task and when to join in and solve the problem. Consider what this father communicated to his child by allowing her to persist and simply offering help instead of intruding with assistance:
·         “You can decide if you want help. You are wise enough to make that decision. You are competent to decide.”
·         “You can solve this problem and I trust your ability to do so. You are competent to do it.”
 
Many times parents simply have to get out of the way so a child can gain competence. We have to allow our children to figure out how to finish their own projects, completing it to their own specifications. When we step in to figure it out for them, we communicate that we do not believe in their wisdom, their creativity, or their capabilities. We save them from learning the benefit of persistence. We even teach them that they do not have to work for success, Mom and Dad will fix it instead. Our children come to believe that our actions prove they lack wisdom, creativity, and ability. They come to believe that failure is inevitable. They learn that they lack competence; that they are incompetent. That is not what we want our children to learn, but when we step in that is what we teach them. It can be difficult not step in, to let them struggle instead. Seeing our children struggling in frustration sounds our internal alarm. The “mother bear” or “protector of the house” moves in to save and protect. We have the experience that can help, the ability to make an impact, the power to make it easier for them. We can be our child’s hero. Unfortunately, acting on that impulse, becoming the hero, often leads to children who have no personal competence and a great dependency on their parents.
 

So, step aside. A true hero knows when to help and when to watch. Let your child figure it out. Let them struggle through the task. Even allow them to fail and, through that failure, learn how to get up, dust off, and “get back on the horse.” Let them learn that they have competence. Even more, let them learn that they are competent.

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My Mom Kept That…Art?

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My daughter took a pottery class in 6th grade. You can see the beautiful pottery she made in her class in the picture to the left. Her grandmother (my mother) visited us soon after she finished the class. While visiting, she noticed and admired the pottery my daughter had made. While encouraging my daughter’s talent, she mentioned the pottery “her father” (that’s me) made in 6th grade. I had a faint recollection of that artistic endeavor. In my mind I had made a pitcher. It was round and had a small opening on the top that gracefully lipped outward. The round body had a face sculpted into one side and the ears formed handles on each side of the face. It was an odd color though…kind of a muddy brown. A few months later, we visited grandma’s house and she presented my 6th grade pottery for my daughter’s admiration. My daughter, obviously stunned and speechless, stared at my work of art before a somewhat quizzical smile began to grow across her face. I took my work in my hands and looked at it from all sides. Not quite what I remembered. It was…well, what can I say? Ugly-it was ugly. I mean, it was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. It had no face, no ears, no…beauty. (You can see I am not exaggerating by looking at the picture to the right.) Obviously, my daughter did not get her artistic abilities from me.

 

You know what I found amazing though? Twenty-seven years before my daughter constructed her pottery, I brought home that incredibly “unique” piece of work. But, my mother never ridiculed my work; she never demeaned my effort. Instead, she accepted it, imperfect as it was. She knew that my developmental ability limited what I could do…and she accepted me and my effort anyway. She also knew that my lack of artistic talent limited what I could accomplish…and, she accepted me and my effort anyway. She knew that my “work of art” fell far short of perfect. It definitely missed the mark; but she accepted me and my effort anyway. She showed the extent of her acceptance by keeping my pottery over the span of 27 years. In fact, she packed it up when the family moved from Pittsburgh to Houston. She kept it when I left for college and kept it when the family moved from Houston to San Antonio to Eagle Pass to Austin and, finally, to Lock Haven. Twenty seven years later, and six cities later, she knew where it was and produced it, still safe and sound, for my daughter to see. When she unpacked it to show my daughter, I got a good laugh. I also realized the grace she exhibited (and continues to exhibit) in her acceptance of me and my effort—a grace that accepts a person in spite of limitations, in spite of missing the mark of perfection…the unconditional acceptance of grace. I mean look at that thing…only a mother could keep that, only a gracious mother who accepts her children no matter what.

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Teach My Children What? And When?

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Effective parents use verbal instructions as one method of teaching their children. To effectively teach our children, we have to answer two questions. First, what do we teach our children? Second, when do we teach our children? First things first–what do we teach our children? Here are 6 “what’s” that family shepherds teach their children.
     ·         Verbally explain the rules to your children. Even more, verbally explain the reasons behind the rules. To be most effective, keep the explanations brief, clear, and concise. Make sure the explanation is geared to your children’s developmental level. How you explain the rules to a 4-year-old will sound very different than how you explain the rules to your 16-year-old.

·         Tell your children the positive alternatives to any negative behavior you correct. Let them know what you want them to do as well as you do not want them to do. Do not lecture. Simple tell them the expected behavior.

·         Compliment good behavior when you see it. Affirm their positive character. In other words, “catch them being good.” Never underestimate the power of simply noticing and acknowledging what your child does right and well. Doing so teaches a powerful message–positive character and good behavior gets noticed and results in reward.

·         Encourage your children’s effort. A fulfilling life does not come through achievement and performance. A fulfilling life results from the investment of effort. Make sure your children know that you notice and appreciate their effort to do the right thing, to work toward goals, and to participate in managing the family home. Teach them that effort is much more significant than the perfect final product.

·         Tell your children about their family heritage. Giving children information about their ancestors can offer patterns to follow and patterns to avoid. A family heritage builds their family identity. It offers stories of inspiration and motivation. My children love to hear stories about my own mistakes as a child…and it helps them learn how to avoid those same mistakes. Sharing your family heritage is a great way to teach your children your family values.

·         Teach your children daily life skills like how to build friendships, how to treat a date, and how to problem-solve. These teaching moments will come up naturally when various “issues arise.” You and your child will encounters many opportunities to talk about topics like dealing with a difficult teacher, how to say “no,” how to manage time, or how to make up with a friend after a disagreement.
As you can imagine, teaching our children takes time…which leads to the second question: when can you teach your children? The short answer is “any chance you get.” The longer answer is that some moments present better teachable moments than others. You find those teachable moments by spending time with your children. In fact, some of the best opportunities to teach our children arise at the most unexpected moments. For instance:
     ·         Teach your children when you sit in the house. Talk about various ideas and lessons at the dinner table. Keep it light and enjoyable and you will make quite an impact. TV and movies also offer an excellent time to talk with your child about family values, the consequences of actions, or decision making as well as a host of other important topics. Do not lecture. Just enjoy a simple conversation. Share ideas. Let them disagree with you. Even when they disagree, they will begin to think about what you have said.

·         Teach your children “on the go.” Most parents drive their children all over town. You will find that driving in the car offers an excellent time to talk. Your children are “captive” as you drive. They do not have to make eye contact, adding a level of comfort. There is usually some background music from the radio, helping everyone relax. Sit back, drive, and wait…or ask a simple, benign question. Your child will soon begin to talk. Enjoy that time…listen, problem-solve, share, and teach.

·         Teach your children while relaxing in your home. One of the best times for teaching occurs at bedtime. Something about the night-time seems to open children up. They begin to talk about their day, their worries, and their joys. Let them stay up a few extra minutes when they start talking. Let them share their day with you. Listen for what excites them and brings them joy. Rejoice with them. Hear what concerns them and reassure them of your presence and help. Problem-solve, share, and teach.

·         Teach your children when you get up. Teach them how to start the day off on a positive note—to eat a good breakfast, to practice gratitude, and to anticipate the good that might come during the day. Encourage them to recall family values and traditions of kindness. Share ideas, schedules, and thoughts. Problem-solve any potential difficulties of the day. Listen. Teach.
We teach children so many important lessons throughout the day. Some lessons are very serious. Some have a great impact on their lives. Other lessons simply add to the joys and fun of life. Either way, your presence is crucial. Be present. Be attentive and available. Listen, share, and teach.
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Do You Parent With a Club or a Staff?

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Some parents raise their children with a club, others with a staff. A club is used for beating things. Some parents seem to only have a symbolic club for parenting. And, when the only tool you have is a hammer…well you know what I mean. A staff, on the other hand, is used to guide and direct, to pull a child from danger and to set them on the safe bedrock of family support. Whether you parent with a club or a staff makes a huge difference in the long term effectiveness of your parenting. Club-wielding parents often raise rebellious children. Staff-carrying parents often raise independent and mature children. To help you decide whether you parent with a club or a staff, check out these four tell-tale signs.  
     1.      Those who parent with a club focus on externals. They want to make sure their family “looks good” from the outside. A club-wielding parent worries what others might think about their family. They believe that any behavior, appearance, or language used by any member of the family is reflection on their parenting…perhaps even a reflection on their worth as a person. Everyone has to look good, behave a certain way, and speak well or the parent feels like a bad person.
     Those who parent with a staff focus on internals. Staff-carrying parents are more interested in character development and maturity than external appearance. They realize that how a family member acts and speaks is not a reflection on their parenting, but an opportunity to teach, discipline, encourage, or praise their child and move them toward a more mature lifestyle. The staff-carrying parent knows that how their children behave is ultimately their children’s choice and responsibility. Their children will have to deal with the consequences of their behavior, good or bad.
 
2.      As a result of focusing on externals, club-wielding parents judge their family members by performance. Family members are good if they meet “my” standard of behavior and appearance and bad if they fall short. This type of conditional acceptance often includes negative labeling as well. When family members don’t show interest in the family activity, they are “disrespectful.” When a child does not feel like doing a chore, they are “lazy.” If a father has to demand his children participate in the Bible study he has prepared for them, they are “undisciplined.” You get the idea.Staff-carrying parents practice unconditional acceptance. They love their children when they behave well and when they misbehave. They love their children enough to discipline the misbehavior, but they do not add negative labels to the children who misbehave. Instead, they offer unconditional acceptance for their children while allowing their children to suffer the consequence of the negative behavior.

      3.      Parents who only have a club to use when parenting expect their children to be just like them. The standards and expectations for children in the club-wielding family are based on the parent’s interests and personal style. If I like to read, my children must read. If I like sports, my children must be athletic. If they are not, we go back to number 2 and give them another label, like “lazy,” “uncooperative,” “ungrateful,” “disrespectful,” or “stupid” to name a few. There is no room for uniqueness. In fact, being different is consider an intentional insult against the family.      Those who parent with a staff become students of their children. They learn about their children’s unique personality, interests, strengths, and vulnerabilities. Staff-carrying parents enjoy their children’s unique qualities and actively seek out ways to allow their children to grow in their special areas of interest. They encourage their children to use their unique strengths, talents, and interests to contribute to the benefit of the family and community.

 
      4.      Club-wielding parents verbally beat their demands into their children with harsh language. They yell. Their tone of voice is sarcastic and angry. Their cadence is broken and staccato. Club-wielding parents not only use harsh language, they also bludgeon their children with nagging. In fact, you may hear many a parent with a club point out that their children don’t seem capable of doing anything unless “I nag them until it is done!”       Staff-carrying parents state the family expectations and values in clear, concise terms. They use a calm tone of voice and normal volume when discussing the family expectations and values as well as the consequences of not behaving in accordance with those expectations and values. They do not nag. They simply state the expectation and then utilize natural consequences to teach and discipline. Staff-carrying parents are able to do this because they have faith in their children. They believe their children can learn from their mistakes and mature in response to consequences.

 
So, are you a club-wielding parent or a staff-carrying parent? The choice is yours.
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How to Increase Your Child’s Anxiety

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Today I had the opportunity to speak with several teens and college age adults. Each one expressed nervous anxiety about life. Many factors contribute to anxiety in people this age. After all, they are navigating a major life transition. Everything in their life is changing. Teens and young adults search to discover their place in an adult world. Decisions are becoming more life altering and consequences more serious. Knowledge previously practiced on paper now has to be applied in practical, real-life circumstances. New friends come into their life and old friends often drift away. These teens and college age adults desire greater independence but still find themselves depending on parents. All of this can create a great deal of nervous anxiety.
 
Parents can help reduce nervousness in their teen or young adult…or they can add anxiety to their child’s already growing case of nerves. In case you would like to increase your child’s anxiety as they navigate their transition into adult, here are five ways to help.
     ·         Always expect more than your child has achieved. If they get an 89% on a test, tell them they should have worked harder to get a 91%. When they do some chore around the house, complain about the part left undone. Never let them think they have done “good enough.” After all, you need them to pursue being the best. It’s a tough world out there.

·         Do not offer them any encouragement, thanks, or praise. They do not need to receive thanks for doing what is expected of them. They will not receive praise and encouragement when they get out in the real world; so toughen them up now. Instead of offering thanks or encouragement, simply point out the next task that needs finished.

·         Oh, along the same lines…never say “I love you;” they may get the wrong idea and think that they have already done enough to “earn your love.”

·         Do not trust them to make decisions on their own. Make all their decisions for them. You determine when they will go to bed and when they will get up. You control your house…and that means you control them. Do not give them responsibility; you manage it all. Some might say you are over-controlling, but you have to maintain total control if you want your child to grow up “a bundle of nerves.”

·         Keep a close eye on your child at all times. I do not mean to simply watch them—I mean overprotect them. Make sure they never experience any discomfort and never have to struggle. If you see them struggle, step right in there and take care of whatever they might struggle with. Whatever they get involved in, you become involved as well. Be actively involved in leading every activity in which they participate–from scouting to youth group to going out with friends. Never leave your children alone…they need your protection.
 
There you have it—five simple ways to create nervous anxiety in your children. If, on the other hand, you would rather your children learn to manage stress and become less anxious as they navigate the journey into adulthood, try these ideas:
     ·         Have fun with your child. Take time to play, laugh, and enjoy activities together.

·         Allow your child to perform less than perfect; in fact, let them fail at times. Do not rescue them from failing. We all learn great lessons through failures. An important lesson to learn is that we survive in spite of failure; and even more important, we grow through failure. So sit back and enjoy some minor failures. (Click here to see a celebration of “failure.”)

·         Offer words of encouragement and thanks whenever possible. This will not weaken your children but strengthen them. Words of encouragement and gratitude let children know they are appreciated and admired. And, by the way, lay on the words of love and affirmation while you’re at it. When a person knows they are loved, they have less need to be anxious.

·         Teach your children problem-solving skills. As they learn these skills, let them make age appropriate decisions on their own. Begin to let your late teen make decisions regarding how late they stay up. Talk to them about the wisdom of their decision rather than forcing them to go to bed when you determine. This means giving your child an increasing amount of responsibility as they grow…and, allowing them to suffer the consequences of those decisions. Let them learn from the little decisions and mistakes as they grow so they will be better prepared to handle the big decisions of life.

·         Allow your children to experiment and explore. Feed their curiosity. Encourage them to explore. Yes, this can be a bit scary for a parent; but children learn to manage unexpected difficulties and unforeseen problems as they experiment and explore. They gain a sense of pride and personal power as they manage those difficulties. Let your children explore the world in age appropriate ways.
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A Superhero’s Gadget For Your Family

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Did you ever notice that superheroes have the greatest gadgets? Think about it: Thor has a Hammer; Wonder Woman the Golden Lasso; Captain America his Shield; Spiderman the web shooter; Batman has too many gadgets to mention (whatever you need in any situation, including his “Batarang”); Ghost Rider has an enchanted chain; Green Lantern his power ring; the Dare Devil a billy club; and of course, Iron Man created his suit. Thinking about all the superhero gadgets got me thinking…. My family, every family, needs a super hero weapon to protect and defend against the enemies of intimacy, to pull out the truth and defeat the forces that divide to conquer. Well, after a diligent and thorough search through the galaxies (well maybe just my office) I have found the perfect weapon…one worthy of true superheroes. This weapon can right wrongs and bring the truth to light. It can defend against the enemies of intimacy and defeat our nemesis, “emotional distance.” What is this super gadget/weapon? The Sticky Note! That’s right…the sticky note is the family’s superhero gadget. Think about the power of a sticky note:
  • When you have accidentally hurt a family member’s feelings, you can write a note that says, “I’m sorry” and put it where they will see it. Of course, speaking to them and apologizing in person is still necessary, but the sticky note serves as a good follow up to really make the apology “stick” and help right the wrong done.
  • When you have to leave for work before your family awakens, bring the truth of your feelings to light by leaving a few sticky notes that say, “I love you” around the house.
  • Hide a sticky note that reads, “I miss you” when you have to be away from your family for a business trip. You might also write, “I love you,” “Have fun today,” “Just saying hi…” whatever creative expression of admiration, affirmation, or encouragement you can imagine. Hide these dynamic notes in various places so your family will find them and feel a surge of powerful love from you during your time away.
  • When your children are preparing for day camp or overnight camp, hide a few sticky notes that they will find during their time away. Leave messages like, “Have a wonderful day” or “I’m thinking about you.” Use any messages that will encourage or express the joy you feel because they are your children. (Do the same for your spouse as they leave for work.)
  • When you know a family member is feeling discouraged, put a sticky note someplace where they will find it and write, “I’m proud of you” or “I am glad you are in my life.” The power of an encouraging word will boost their mood and strengthen their resolve.
You get the idea. The sticky note can be used to pass on written words of apology, affirmation, adoration, encouragement, and love. Those words, written on the sticky note, have the power to encourage, excite, lift moods, reassure, energize, inspire, comfort, motivate, and strengthen each member of your family as well as your family as a whole. You can hand the sticky note directly to your family or use its “super sticky power” to attach it to some surface where they will find it as they go about their day. I guarantee that this family super gadget (the sticky note) will have enough super power to bring a smile to each family member’s face! 
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Serve Your Family the Breakfast of Champions

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I recently read a summary describing a study in which two groups of people were given a series of sentences to unscramble. Each sentence started with five scrambled words, four of which would form a sentence. The fifth word was either a “cold word” (bold, rude, bother, disturb, intrude, impolitely, etc.) for “group 1” or a “warm word” (considerate, appreciate, patient, polite, courteous, etc.) for “group 2.” Thinking they had concluded the first part of a study about language, the subjects proceeded to the next room to take another part of the test. Unfortunately, they found the doorway blocked by two staff members having a long discussion. The only way to pass through the doorway was to interrupt the conversation. In the group of students who had read the “cold words” while unscrambling their sentences, over 60% interrupted the conversation. In the group of subjects who had read the “warm words,” less than 20% interrupted. The authors concluded that “priming” the subjects with “cold” or “warm” words led to these behavioral differences. Those subjects primed with words of “warmth” exhibited a greater tendency to not interrupt. The subjects primed with words of “warmth” tended to behave more patiently and in a more “pro-social” manner.
 
Let me ask you this question: Do you prime your family with warm words or cold words? When your family gets up in the morning, do they hear loving conversation or agitated conversation? Polite interactions or rude interactions? Does your family share words of encouragement or words of agitation in the morning? Whatever words your family hears will prime them for the rest of the morning…maybe even the day! Start your day with loving, warm, polite words–that is the breakfast of champions.
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