I just finished reading a section of Compassion (Nouwen, McNeill, and Morrison) in which the authors offered an interesting reflection on self-image. They believe that competition forms the basis of our self-image and motivation in our current society. Ask school officials, coaches, bosses, or media reporters what defines a person and they will likely say that “you are the difference you make.” We define ourselves by our differences, our distinctions…those things that others recognize and honor or reject and dislike; those things that make us different and distinct from others. Our self-image, in other words, is shaped by how we compare to others. Unfortunately, this also creates distance between people and competition among friends and family for recognition. The authors go on to offer an alternative basis for self-image: compassion. When compassion forms our self-image, our identity becomes based on what we receive from others rather than how we compare to others. I like that idea. I think our identity is based on what we receive from others, especially what we receive from family. Consider what we receive from family and how it impacts our identity. On the one hand,
If we receive anger, we become angry and defensive.If we receive ridicule, we become sarcastic and rude.
If we receive conditional acceptance, we become competitive and insecure.
If we receive constant comparisons, we become competitive and jealous.
If we receive harsh treatment, we become harsh.
If we receive inconsistent attention, we become attention seeking.
If we receive disrespect, we become disrespectful.
If we receive everything we want, we become entitled.
On the other hand,
If we receive love, we become lovable.
If we receive grace, we become gracious.
If we receive encouragement, we become encouragers.
If we receive unconditional acceptance, we become accepting and secure.
If we receive loving praise, we become persistent.
If we receive support, we become supportive.
If we receive empathy, we become empathetic.
If we receive respect, we become respectful.
If we receive loving discipline, we become self-disciplined.
That leads to a very important question: what does your family receive from you? After all, what they receive, they become.
hat the fight was about. Half way into yesterday’s argument I thought, “We agree. Why are we fighting?” Even so, I continued to stress my point and my daughter continued to stress her point. I felt like the mother and daughter in this cell-phone commercial (
home and I answered the door saying, “Quit knocking so loud. I’m not deaf you know.” As you step into my house, I demand that you “take your shoes off…now. I just mopped the floors and I do not want you tracking mud through my house!” You smile politely, albeit somewhat confused, and take your shoes off. “Why are you giving me that look?” I continue. “I just asked you to take your shoes off. If you have a problem with it, just leave them on and track mud through my house.” “No, that’s OK. I don’t want to muddy your floors. They look beautiful,” you respond politely. 
for parents to teach their children proper behavior; but, if we constantly tell them what not to do, how do they learn what to do. The behaviors they hear spoken about most often will remain most prevalent in their mind…and acted upon most often as a result. Given no positive alternative, and hearing constant yell about negative behaviors, a child will simply repeat the negative behaviors. Instead, describe appropriate and desired behaviors to your children. Tell them what behaviors you want to see. Fill their mind with images of proper behavior and the expected results of positive behavior. 
recordings that constantly repeat in their mind throughout life. Fill that internal self-talk with words of encouragement that will play over and over throughout their life.
ositive results from negative life choices. We can’t earn a raise by sleeping in and skipping work…or an “A” by not doing homework. We reap what we sow. You know it and I know it, but how do we teach our children this principle? How do we instill in them the wisdom to make responsible choices? Before I answer that question, let me tell you two things not to do!
behavior our child has engaged in over the last month. And, our child shuts down, blankly staring at us as we explode in a verbal tirade. Their blank look only irritates us more and we continue the rant. Unfortunately, our child learns nothing except how to make us “lose it.” He does not think about his behavior or the consequences of his behavior. Instead, he complains about us “always yelling” at him. He simply quits listening. When all is said and done, he does not learn the consequence of his behavior. Instead, he focuses on our behavior and walks away talking about his “crazy” parent. We have suffered more as a result of his behavior than he has. And, once again, we have robbed him of the opportunity to learn from the consequences of his mistakes. 
emotions. Emotions propel us toward maturity. They “integrate” our thinking, social interactions, motor ability, and language as we mature, especially in children (S. Greenspan workshop, 2009). For instance, children learn best when they find the lessons enjoyable and pleasing. They explore objects that arouse their interest, offer a delightful surprise, or bring them joy. Children try to change situations that make them angry, irritated, or frustrated. They interact most with people who make them “feel” good. But, children and adolescents have not developed the skills necessary to independently manage emotions. They need other people to help them “co-regulate” their emotions–to calm their anger, soothe their frustration, contain their excitement, express their love. They need parents to help them learn to manage their emotions.
Consider a frustrated toddler reaching for a toy that sits on a shelf just out of reach. His mother, recognizing his frustration, asks in a loving tone, “Do you want that red car?” The toddler hears the loving tone of his mother’s voice and angrily points at the car while saying, “Cah!” “How frustrating to see your big, red car and not be able to get it,” his mother replies. “Can I help you?” she asks as she “drives” the car within her toddler reach. “Vroom, here it comes.” Her toddler reaches out and grabs the car, smiling at his mother. This simple interaction holds a wealth of learning and growth for parent and child. Consider just a few of the things they gained through this experience: