Archive for Grace

The Kindness Cascade

Imagine: four strangers come together. Each one is given twenty dollars and asked to decide whether to keep the whole twenty dollars for themselves or share some of it with their group. Each dollar they share with the group will result in all four people receiving forty cents. Of course, this means the giver may lose sixty cents (they give one dollar but only receive forty cents back). On the other hand, if all four people gave one dollar, each person would receive one dollar and sixty cents back (.40 times 4).  So, mental gymnastics begins as each one decides whether to share and, if so, how much. “If I give too much more than everyone else, I’ll lose money. If everyone doesn’t give, I’ll lose money. If I give a little and everyone else gives more, I’ll really make out and still look pretty good….”

As the initial group time comes to an end, the players learn who contributed what amount to the group. Then, each player is given twenty dollars more and set up in another group made up of three new people. Each person goes through this process until they have met with a total of six different groups of four. (Read about this study in Cooperative Behavior Cascades in Human Social Networks, James H. Fowler, PNAS, 3/23/2010)

Here’s the question: How did learning about other group members’ contributions impact an individual’s kindness and generosity in future groups? Initially, many people might assume that each individual would act in a way to maximize their personal profit—in other words, keep all their money and walk out with a bundle or give sparingly in hopes of receiving back more than they gave.  But this did not happen. What actually did happen proved much more interesting.

When even one person contributed to the group, each of the other three group members changed their giving in the next round. Specifically, they increased their giving in response to even one person contributing to the group. And that increase in giving endured over the next 5 games, impacting each of the players in those games as well. Specifically, if a person gave one dollar to the group in round one, the other three group members increased their giving by 19 cents in round two, 15 cents in round three, 8 cents in round four and 17 cents in both rounds 5 and 6. Amazing, right? And of course, their increase in giving impacted the other three members of their new groups, contributing to each of those people increasing their giving in future rounds. In other words, one person’s generosity rippled out through other people for the next five rounds.  

That’s an amazing aspect of kindness. Kindness cascades from one person to dozens of others, even impacting and inspiring people we have not met! Imagine this “kindness cascade” circulating in your marriage before flowing to your children and then streaming through them to their schools and overflowing into your community. The power of a simple act of kindness inspiring another to act in kindness forms a cascading, gathering stream of kindness that fans out and changes a dry, weary land of incivility and impoliteness. And it all begins with showing kindness to your family.

Unfortunately, we know that rude behavior cascades as well. In fact, just being in close proximity to someone who acts in a rude manner contributes to ill-mannered and impolite behavior toward others. They also began to interpret other people’s behaviors in a negative light and so respond to them based on those misinterpretations. Those interacting with a rude person may engage in minor revenge (like withholding resources) from the rude person. Most disturbing of all, studies suggest that a single act of rudeness continues to cascade and impact other people for up to one week.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be ground zero for a cascade of rudeness. I want to become ground zero for a cascade of kindness. So, let’s start a kindness cascade that will water a land devoid of the refreshing water of kindness…and let it begin with you and me right in our homes.

Just My Words Can Do What?

Jesus knew that words are powerful. He once said, “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘You shall not commit murder….’ But I say to you that…whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.” Did you catch the power of words in this statement. He equated name-calling with murder.

If you think that sounds a little extreme, consider the findings of a study completed by Ohio State University in 2005. This landmark study revealed that the stress a couple feels during a brief marital argument slowed down each person’s ability to heal from a wound. The authors of this study focused on the impact of the immediate negativity of their argument. This single argument negatively impacted the effectiveness of each individual’s immune system to heal a wound.

In March 2023, as part of a postdoctoral study, this data was analyzed once again and the additional findings published in Psychoneuroendrocrinology.  The authors of this study focused on the impact of ongoing negative interactions as well as the single negative interaction. They noted that:

  • The couples who reported using demand/withdraw communication patterns or mutually avoidant communication patterns on a regular basis during marital arguments had higher blood indicators of inflammation, exhibited slower wound healing, and showed greater negative emotion and less positive emotion. In other words, a pattern of negative communication over differences resulted in negative consequences for each person’s body and emotions.
  • These communication patterns also influenced their behaviors. If their typical discussion-based behaviors were more negative, their wounds heal more slowly. They also reported fewer positive emotions and they evaluated the marital argument more negatively.

In other words, when a couple’s daily pattern of communication involves demanding and withdrawing or simply mutual avoidance, they will experience more negative emotions and fewer positive emotions. As a result, their immune system becomes less effective. They will heal more slowly from wounds.  Arguments, managed poorly, can be deadly…or, when handled with love, the best part of your day. Words and actions, especially in the heat of an argument, are powerful.

To paraphrase Jesus, “You may have heard it said, ‘Do not physically hurt your spouse. But I say to you that anyone who calls his spouse a name is destroying their body. And whoever engages in constant demanding or withdrawing behavior rather than lovingly accepting one another’s influence and pursuing a healthy compromise (peace), is putting themselves and their spouse in a fiery hell in which healing and positive emotions are harder and harder to find.” Take the results of this study to heart. Learn to listen, accept influence, and resolve arguments in love…for the sake of your life and the life of your spouse.

Subtle Kindnesses That Will Save Your Marriage

Many marriages that end in divorce failed due to a lack of kindness. In fact, research reveals kindness as one of the most important predictors of satisfaction and stability in marriage. It makes each partner feel valued, understood, and validated. I’m not just talking about the grandiose shows of kindness—the big gifts, the beautiful vacations. No, those moments don’t make a marriage. It’s the tiny, often subtle, opportunities for kindness within a marriage that will make or break it. 

Consider the simple kindness of responding to your spouse. Imagine your spouse makes a statement in your presence. It may be a simple question like, “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” Or it might be a simple statement like, “I think that’s an Oriole. Did you see it?”  Now you have a choice. Will you respond or ignore, acknowledge you heard them or pretend you didn’t hear? Will you shift to focus on your spouse for a moment or maintain your focus on whatever currently has captured your attention?  If you respond, will you do so with interest and enthusiasm or half-heartedly? Or will you respond by diminishing their interest or statement? A classic study by John Gottman found that those who responded with interest 87% of the time were still married after six years. Those who only responded 33% of the time were divorced. In other words, responding with kindness nine out of ten times built a happier, healthier marriage. But responding with kindness only three out of ten times brought the marriage to a crashing end.

It may seem like such a little thing, responding with interest to your spouse’s random statements, but it is a huge act of kindness that will fill your spouse’s emotional bank account with the currency of feeling valued, secure, and worthy.

Another simple kindness that can make or break your marriage involves how you see your spouse…or rather what you look for in your spouse. Kindness calls us to search our home and spouse for the things we can appreciate and express gratitude about. It compels us to search for what our spouse is doing right so we can express appreciation and admiration for them and their actions. That may sound obvious, but I have met too many couples that only criticize one another. They point out what their spouse does wrong, never acknowledging anything they do right. “You unloaded the dishwasher…finally.” “Are you ever going to take out the garbage?” “You never replace the toilet paper.” “I’d let you mop the floor, but you do it so poorly that I just have to redo it.” Unfortunately, those who criticize and complain miss 50% of the positive things their spouses do, and they see negativity when it’s not there, perpetuating a vicious downward cycle of criticism and complaint. Take the time, look around for things you admire in your spouse, things you appreciate about your spouse, and things you can express gratitude to your spouse about. Practice doing these three things every day. In fact, make it a daily habit.

Let me share just one more act of kindness that can make or break your marriage. When your spouse comes home excited to share a piece of good news, how will you respond? Kindness calls us to rejoice with the other person’s success, to enthusiastically connect over the good news. Kindness encourages us to be there for our partner when things are going right for them, not just when things are going poorly. In fact, many say that being available to one another when things are going right is more important to relationship quality than only being there when things are rough. We want to share joys with one another. So, celebrate when your spouse celebrates. Rejoice with them when they rejoice. Get excited for what excites them. Doing so is an act of kindness that can save your marriage.

Three Practices to Curb Defensiveness in Marriage

Defensiveness: one of the John Gottman’s Four Horsemen that spell doom for a marriage. We have all become defensive in our marriages, I’m sure of it. We become defensive when our view of the world or ourselves is threatened: or, when we fear our spouse is seeing us in a way we don’t want to be seen.  Our spouses say something we perceive as a complaint or a criticism about us and we instinctively respond with defensiveness. It’s a kneejerk reaction that can destroy a marriage. It can stem from a simple comment that we perceive as a threat to our pride, one that pushes our buttons or threatens our desire to be right. Rather than pause and take a breath, we jump in to defend ourselves, to save face. Unfortunately, when we become defensive, we also give up the opportunity to learn and grow. We sacrifice both our personal responsibility and our power to nurture a healthier relationship on the altar of our pride.

A healthier response involves humility, becoming humble enough to accept personal responsibility, even in the face of disagreement. This involves at least three practices.

  • Acknowledging our limitations. All of us have flaws. All of us have limited knowledge and limited perspectives. On the other hand, each of our spouses have knowledge and insights we do not have. We may hate to admit it, but our spouses know things we do not know. They understand things we miss. In the midst of a disagreement, it may take an extra dose of humility to admit these truths. Recognizing our own limitations and the wisdom of our spouse can help us avoid defensiveness.
  • Affirm your priorities. Think carefully about what is truly most important in your life? How do you want to be remembered? What gives your life meaning and purpose? I hope family and marriage sit at the top of your priority list, well above self. I pray that you “look out NOT just for your own interests but also the interests of others,” like your spouse and family. I trust that you “love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her.” When you recognize what your marriage and family mean to you and your life…when you recognize your call to serve them…they will definitely sit near the top, if not at the top, of your priority list. With that in mind, you will strive to protect your marriage and your family rather than entering a defensive mode to protect yourself. Defensiveness builds walls. Accepting responsibility and communication builds bridges. As your spouse rises to the top of your priority list, you become more likely to build bridges than walls.
  • Accept personal responsibility. No one likes to admit when they make a mistake or when they are wrong. I know I don’t. But for the sake of a healthy marriage and personal growth, we need to swallow our pride, acknowledge our wrong, and apologize.  From there we have the power to show the “fruit of repentance” and change.  Amazingly, our spouses will love us all the more when they see we have the humble courage necessary to admit a wrong and change.

These three practices can prove challenging, but consistently practicing them will reap huge dividends in the health of your marriage. You and your spouse will enjoy the joys of a healthy, happy marriage.

An Antidote to Fear for Your Family

We live in a society filled with fear…right?  Conspiracy theories abound. Fear of indiscriminate violence keeps us on edge. Parents, in loving effort, hover and become overly protective of their children in order to keep them safe from perceived dangers. The media provides an hourly, 24-hour running presentation of sensational and catastrophic scenes that keep our fears aroused. Aside from all that, relational fears permeate our society. Fear of abandonment arouses our fight or flight response. Fear of failure leaves us frozen in place, afraid to venture out. Fear of not getting enough to survive subtly stimulates our greed.

That’s the bad news; but I have good news, too! We have an antidote to all this fear…and you easily access it every day. You can give this antidote to your family and apply it in your home to create a safe haven that can protect your family from fear that attacks them even outside the home. What is this antidote to fear? Kindness!

Kindness counteracts fear by informing us that we are recognized and loved. Fear of abandonment and estrangement melts away when we become the recipient of kindness. After all, a person took notice of us and cared enough about us to show us kindness. They saw us. They valued us. They graced us with their humanity.

Kindness neutralizes fear by affirming that each person is accepted. We receive kindness from others who, in spite of our differences, value us enough to share their time and effort in providing an act of kindness. A show of kindness when we disagree or experience anger toward one another reveals an acceptance that transcends opinions and feelings.  Shared kindness affirms that we accept one another enough to share kindness.

Kindness overcomes fear by informing us that our needs will be met. Witnessing kindness teaches us that kind people see the needs of others and they reach out to help those others. Kind people walk the streets of our communities. Kind people live in our homes. Kind people will reach out to meet our emotional needs and our physical needs.

Kindness overcomes fear by providing us with second chances. Kindness tells us that we are not defined by our mistakes and our shortcomings but by our humanity, our integrity, our efforts. Kindness does not hold a grudge nor keep a record of wrong. Instead, kindness offers a second chance and a helping hand.

Kindness leads to repentance and opens the door to change negative, hurtful behaviors. When we recognize the kindness others provide, it humbles us. It inspires us to act in kindness. It encourages us to make amends for times we have proven unkind. It returns us to our humanity and our desire to share kindness with others. In fact, a single act of kindness is contagious.”

Yes, kindness is an antidote to fear, an antidote we desperately need in our communities and our families. Knowing the power of kindness and the impact it can have on your family leads me to ask you this one question: Will you give your family the antidote to fear by sharing kindness with them on a daily basis? You’ll be glad you did…and so will your family. You might just spark a kindness revolution.

Generosity is Great…But What Kind?

A study completed through the University of Virginia’s Marriage Project looked at the role of generosity in marriage. The researchers asked 2,870 participants how often they behaved generously toward their partners. Those who scored the highest in generosity also reported they were “very happy” in their marriages. The association between generosity and marital happiness was especially strong in couples with children. In other words, generosity is a crucial ingredient for a healthy, happy marriage.

However, there is nuance in generosity that often gets overlooked when we talk of generosity in marriage. The generosity that will strengthen your marriage and provide greater marital happiness is a selfless generosity. I have seen couples in which a person shares material possessions very generously with their spouse but still remains selfish. They give their spouse what they themselves want, not what their spouse wants. Let me offer a simple example. In our imaginary couple, one person really likes chocolate chip cookies, but their spouse likes sugar cookies. When the “chocolate-chip-cookie-loving-spouse” generously offers their “sugar-cookie-loving-spouse” a chocolate chip cookie, they are not seen as generous. The receiving spouse has learned the giving spouse is aware of their cookie preference, but they are not acting on that awareness. As a result, if this practice continues over time, they begin to feel unseen, unrecognized, and unimportant. They begin to feel as though their spouse doesn’t care enough to recognize their preference and act on that preference. They even begin to see their “chocolate-chip-cookie-loving-spouse” as rather selfish, always thinking only about their own desires, their own likes, and their own interests while ignoring the “sugar-cookie-loving-spouse.”

I know…it’s a silly example. But multiply it by any number of other examples where selfish generosity can show up, like–the TV show each one likes, the type of conversation each one enjoys, the type of food, the activity, the restaurant, the clothes, the time of your availability…the list goes on. When we “generously give” our spouse what we want or what we believe they need, our generosity becomes an act of self-focused egocentrism and loses its power to create intimacy. “Selfish generosity” becomes the deathbed of a marriage while true generosity becomes lifegiving. So, let me ask you: are you generous within your marriage? Even more to the point, are you selfless in your generosity within your marriage…or selfish?

The Kindness Connection

We all experience days of sorrow, and, if you’re like me, maybe even periods of feeling down-right depressed. These periods can impact our marriages and our families. What can you do about those times when you’re feeling down? A study conducted at Ohio State University and entitled Healing through helping: an experimental investigation of kindness, social activities, and reappraisal as well-being interventions (read review here) offers an amazing solution. This study divided 122 people into three groups.

  • One group planned social activities for two days a week and participated in those activities.
  • A second group kept records of their thoughts for at least two days a week, identifying negative thought patterns and revising them in a way that could reduce anxiety and depression.
  • A third group performed three acts of kindness two days each week, three on each day. These acts of kindness could be “big or small acts that benefit others or make others happy, typically at some cost to you in terms of time or resources.”

Participants chosen exhibited moderate to severe symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress at the start of the study. After engaging in their assigned activities for five weeks, they were evaluated again. Then, after an additional five weeks (that’s 10 weeks after the start of the study), the participants were evaluated to see if the interventions remained effective.

All the participants showed greater life satisfaction and fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety after 10 weeks. Although all the interventions led to improvement, engaging in acts of kindness led to even greater life satisfaction and even fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety than did changing one’s thoughts. And, most importantly, engaging in acts of kindness resulted in greater social connection than either of the other two groups. People engaging in acts of kindness felt more socially connected than did those in the other two groups and social connection is crucial for our long-term well-being.

What does this have to do with marriage? Well, here’s the thing: marriage will flourish when we have a deep connection. Depression and anxiety can weaken that connection…as can busyness or distraction. You can change how you think and make your spouse and marriage a greater priority…and that will help. You can also plan some outings with your spouse, things like dates and family outings. That will also help. But if you really want to grow more deeply connected with your spouse, practice acts of kindness on a regular basis. After all, acts of kindness led to even greater life satisfaction and even fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety than did simply changing one’s thoughts. AND it led to greater social connection. Who doesn’t want a deeper connection with their spouse? So, engage in acts of kindness. In the study, they did this only two days a week. I suggest you find a way to show kindness to your spouse every day. Make it a daily habit. It’s not that hard. Show politeness. Help around the house. Do them a favor. Give them a drink. (If you get stuck for ideas, read 31 Acts of Kindness to Strengthen Your Marriage.) Focus on being kind in your actions and words. You will experience a growing sense of connection you will both enjoy.

Just Because

Maybe you and your spouse are in the same boat as my wife and me. In fact, I’m pretty sure you are. We are different people. We have unique strengths and interests…which makes keeping the marriage boat on course a tricky venture at times. In our case:

  • I am an introvert. My wife is more of an extrovert.
  • My wife acts decisively and gets things done right away. I move slowly and think long before I even start.
  • My wife likes olives. I like brussel sprouts.
  • My wife loves a “chick flick.” I watch horrible “b-rated” Scifi movies & fantasy movies.
  • My wife loves photography. I love music.

You get the idea. We are different people. We each have unique interests and unique strengths. Those differences have the power to shape our relationship. They can pull us apart or pull us together. If we each go our separate ways to pursue our unique interests and goals, our differences will pull us apart. But if we share each other’s interests and goals, they will tie us more intimately together. In fact, our unique strengths and interests provide fertile soil for nurturing growth as an individual and as a couple.  For instance, my wife and I both enjoy hiking, but she moves much quicker than I do. Now, she takes her camera to photograph our experience, which slows her pace some. As a result, our paces match up more easily and we both enjoy nature and conversation on our hike together. On the other hand, my wife accompanies me to some music “meetups” where I can enjoy playing along with the group and she enjoys listening. We enjoy our time together in both experiences.

Our differences also allow us to learn and grow as individuals. For instance, my wife’s extroverted nature has taught me to enjoy a get together—the joy of talking with people and learning about them. Her ability to plan has allowed us to have more experiences on a vacation than I would have ever had alone.

Our differences also present a wonderful opportunity to express our love for one another. We can do things “just because” we know our spouse will enjoy it.  I can plan a get together for my wife…just because she enjoys a get together and I enjoy seeing her happy. I can watch the “chick flick,” just because she likes a “chick flick” and I enjoy spending time with her. I can purchase photography equipment for my wife’s birthday just because she likes photography and I enjoy watching her create. She does the same for me, enjoying things I enjoy just because I enjoy them, and she enjoys spending time with me.

Our differences have the power to nurture a deeper relationship. By appreciating and enjoying our spouse’s different interests, strengths, and goals, we express our love for one another, learn about one another, and become more intimate with one another. How will you enjoy your spouse’s unique interests and goals today? How will you allow your differences to draw you into a more intimate relationship with your spouse?

OOPS, My Mistake VS. My Child’s Mistake

The other day I made a mistake…or should I say another mistake. It’s true. It was actually one of the many mistakes I’ve made over my lifetime. Anyway, I made a mistake. Fortunately, my life is full of gracious people who acknowledged my mistake and continued to love me. Sure, they got a little upset…and some even laugh about my mistake. But they still helped me learn to avoid the same mistake in the future. And, as a result, I did learn. I grew; and hopefully I’ll avoid repeating that mistake in the future.

All this “got me thinking.” Children, like adults, make mistakes. Sometimes they make mistakes because of a lack of knowledge. Sometimes they make mistakes trying to “get away with something.” Sometimes they simply make a mistake. I have to say, as an adult, I have made mistakes for the same three reasons. Haven’t you?

But there seems to be a difference in how people respond to the mistake I make as an adult and the mistake a child makes. Let me explain. When a child makes a mistake, adults often seem to get angry. They treat the child’s mistake as an afront to their parenthood and their authority. They yell, often making the child feel worse and as though that mistake has defined them as a person. They dismiss the child’s explanations as excuses, often not even considering any positive intent behind his mistaken actions or words. They punish the child, sometimes harshly and in anger. And many do not teach the child how to avoid the mistake in the future.

However, when I make a mistake as an adult, the people in my life trust me to learn and grow from the natural consequence of my mistake. Even if they are upset or angry, they remain respectful. No one really yells. Many even listen to the explanations I give for my mistaken behavior. They allow me to explain the intent behind my actions…even if they disagree, they accept my explanation. They accept my intent while offering me guidance on how to avoid the mistake while achieving that intent in the future. All the while, they remain respectful (even in their anger) and they speak to me in a way that can help me listen.

If my friends and my family responded to my mistake in the same manner that I often see adults respond to a child’s mistake, I would walk away. I’d feel hurt, dishonored, even abused. I wouldn’t learn. I wouldn’t grow. I’d get defensive. I might even end the friendship. What makes us think children feel differently?

This leads me to an important lesson I learned about correcting my children…our children. Our children will respond to correction and discipline more readily when we approach them with respect. They will learn and grow when we take the time to learn about the intent and motivation behind their inappropriate behavior or words before respectfully pointing out what they did wrong. They will mature as we listen carefully, not just to their words but to the message of their behavior, before we offer them loving guidance on how to behave differently in the future.

In other words, our children will learn from their mistakes more readily when we approach them with the same respect that we give our adult friends. They will grow more mature when we approach them with the expectation that they want to learn and grow. We can all learn and grow from our mistakes, adults and children alike, when we approach both with acceptance, respect, and love.  

The Benefit of Eyes Wide Open

Those who know me well know I can go through the day with my eyes wide shut. I get so caught up in my own thoughts that I never see the world around me. Case in point: my friend once had to point out that a restaurant we frequented had painted their walls burgundy, covering the wall’s previous pastel green color. The food was good either way.

I don’t really mind being oblivious to colors, but I’ve had to learn to keep my eyes wide open when it comes to seeing opportunities for kindness. After all, wall color has little impact on my life. But kindness…. Kindness has the power to increase the physical and emotional well-being of both the giver and the receiver. Kindness holds the power to create greater intimacy with others.  Kindness strengthens relationships and opens the door of happiness in the lives of those around the one sharing kindness. Kindness is a viral warrior that requires me to keep my eyes wide open. How can you and I learn to keep my eyes wide open so I can see and recognize opportunities for kindness? Here are 3 steps to help.

  1. At the start of every day, bring kindness to mind. Get curious about kindness. Ask yourself, “I wonder what opportunities will come my way to show kindness today?” If you struggle to remember to ask this question of yourself, set a reminder on your phone.
  2. Bring kindness to the forefront of your mind throughout the day. In fact, remind yourself five times a day of your goal to see opportunities to share kindness and to act upon those opportunities as they arise. Remind yourself of kindness once at mid-morning, once at lunch, once in mid-afternoon, once at supper time, and once in the evening. Make kindness a common thought, a thought you keep in the forefront of your mind. Once again, if you struggle to bring kindness to mind, set a reminder on your phone.
  3. Before bed complete a kindness inventory. Think back through your day and write down times you showed kindness to others through your words or actions. Then consider if there were any times that you missed the opportunity to share kindness throughout the day—perhaps you missed an opportunity to share a kind word with a cashier, to hold a door open for someone, to let another driver merge in front of you. Write down these missed opportunities as well. Consider what prevented you from showing kindness. Were you rushed or tired? mindless? angry? Then, imagine what you could have done differently to show kindness at that moment.

Engage in these three practices every day for the next thirty days. I believe you will be pleasantly surprised at the results. In fact, I think you will grow in your ability to love. You could even engage in these three practices as a family and watch how growing kindness nurtures a healthier, happier family.

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