Archive for Grace

The Benefit of Eyes Wide Open

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Those who know me well know I can go through the day with my eyes wide shut. I get so caught up in my own thoughts that I never see the world around me. Case in point: my friend once had to point out that a restaurant we frequented had painted their walls burgundy, covering the wall’s previous pastel green color. The food was good either way.

I don’t really mind being oblivious to colors, but I’ve had to learn to keep my eyes wide open when it comes to seeing opportunities for kindness. After all, wall color has little impact on my life. But kindness…. Kindness has the power to increase the physical and emotional well-being of both the giver and the receiver. Kindness holds the power to create greater intimacy with others.  Kindness strengthens relationships and opens the door of happiness in the lives of those around the one sharing kindness. Kindness is a viral warrior that requires me to keep my eyes wide open. How can you and I learn to keep my eyes wide open so I can see and recognize opportunities for kindness? Here are 3 steps to help.

  1. At the start of every day, bring kindness to mind. Get curious about kindness. Ask yourself, “I wonder what opportunities will come my way to show kindness today?” If you struggle to remember to ask this question of yourself, set a reminder on your phone.
  2. Bring kindness to the forefront of your mind throughout the day. In fact, remind yourself five times a day of your goal to see opportunities to share kindness and to act upon those opportunities as they arise. Remind yourself of kindness once at mid-morning, once at lunch, once in mid-afternoon, once at supper time, and once in the evening. Make kindness a common thought, a thought you keep in the forefront of your mind. Once again, if you struggle to bring kindness to mind, set a reminder on your phone.
  3. Before bed complete a kindness inventory. Think back through your day and write down times you showed kindness to others through your words or actions. Then consider if there were any times that you missed the opportunity to share kindness throughout the day—perhaps you missed an opportunity to share a kind word with a cashier, to hold a door open for someone, to let another driver merge in front of you. Write down these missed opportunities as well. Consider what prevented you from showing kindness. Were you rushed or tired? mindless? angry? Then, imagine what you could have done differently to show kindness at that moment.

Engage in these three practices every day for the next thirty days. I believe you will be pleasantly surprised at the results. In fact, I think you will grow in your ability to love. You could even engage in these three practices as a family and watch how growing kindness nurtures a healthier, happier family.

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Scrooge or Cratchit Revolution This Christmas

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The “Christmas Spirit” seems to have faded some. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. But it seems like more people have a “Bah-humbug-get-to-work-and-stop-wasting-time-on-frivilous-celebrations” view of Christmas, or a “give-me-give-me” view of Christmas than an “excited-generous-grateful-and-celebratory” view of Christmas. In other words, I encounter more Scrooges than Cratchits. Worse, I feel the pressure of society pushing me toward a “Scrooge” outlook of Christmas and away from the generous outlook Cratchit. We have drifted from celebrating Christmas as the birth of a Savior to worshipping the idol of materialism and wealth. We have turned our focus from the gift of God, a “Son given to us,” and focused on material gain and greed instead. But I’m not going to give in to the Scrooge spirit of Christmas. I’m going to celebrate Christmas as a revolution flowing out of the gift of God received on that first Christmas day, a generous gift of mercy and grace. Will you join me? Here’s how we can do it.

First, remember the first Christmas occurred because “God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son” (John 3:16) to save us from death and sin, to provide us with an abundant and eternal life. And His only begotten Son, whose birth we celebrate on Christmas, loved us so much that He gave Himself to fill us with joy and make us whole and without fault (Ephesians 5:25-27). I’m going to follow suit. I’m going to give myself—not just my time, my energy, or my tolerance, but my whole self—to family, friends, and even strangers. Giving of ourselves begins a revolution in the midst of the self-seeking and self-promoting world in which we live.

Second, I’m going to “join” with other people just like the Christ whose birth we celebrate on Christmas did for us. He joined us by emptying Himself to be born of a woman, raised as a child, and live as a man. He became Emmanuel, God with us, on a whole new level. I’m going to join Him by joining with other people, accepting them “where they are” and “who they are.” In joining with others, I will look to discover the image of the Creator in each person and, rather than “call out” aspects I disagree with, I will nurture the image of our Creator in their lives. Revolutionary, isn’t it? To accept the complexity of people, look for the image of our Creator within them, and nurture that image?

Third, I will serve others in love. Perhaps the best way to give myself to others and manifest an acceptance of them, is to serve them in love. And I will be following the example of the Baby born on that first Christmas day.  He not only came to earth as a Man but as a servant of mankind. He said He came to serve and not be served. Part of the Christmas revolution will be to do the same—to serve my neighbor in love. 

That’s the battle plan of the Christmas revolution: give ourselves to one another and join with one another in radical acceptance that manifests in serving one another in love. I’m going to start practicing with my family and extend it out to friends and neighbors. This plan will align us with Bob Cratchit, and his son Tiny Tim, in the “excited-grateful-generous-and-celebratory” view of Christmas. And it will put us squarely in the midst of a joyous Christmas Revolution against the Scrooges of the world.

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What A Slap to the Face

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“Don’t be stupid.” “You’re an idiot.” “You are a lazy bum.” Ouch, what a slap to the face. Three of them in fact. Just reading an insult hurts a little, doesn’t it? Each one is like a “mini slap to the face “… literally. At least that is what Dr. Struiksma, the lead author of a study published in Frontiers in Communication, reports. She and her colleagues had 29 females read a series of statements that were either insulting, complimenting, or neutral. Half the statements used the participant’s name while the other half used someone else’s name. The participants’ responses were measured using EEG’s and skin conductance measures.

Even in this lab setting, with no real human interactions and with statements coming from fictitious people, insults “got under the skin” of the participants.  Each insult elicited an early effect in the brain; and it did so every time a participant heard it…. even if it did not include their name.  EEG readings from this study suggest that an insult immediately “grabs the listener’s attention” as they attempted to assess the insult and its meaning in the current context, just like a “mini slap to the face” grabs our attention and shocks us emotionally & physically.

I don’t know about you, but I find it very disturbing to even imagine someone slapping another person in the face, let alone slapping a family member in the face. Yet we live in a society where one person will insult another person at the drop of a hat, without even a thought. Don’t believe me? Recall the elections and political debates or skim through some Twitter and Facebook posts. Read them sparingly though. After all, in the study described above. even an insult given to someone else was like a “mini slap to the face.” Perhaps that is why so many political ads remain bothersome to us. Each one, each insult, becomes a “mini slap to the face” for the candidate and for each of us who hears or reads the insult. One can only tolerate so many “mini slaps to the face.” 

This insult as a “mini slap to the face” can also hit close to home, can’t it? Too many family arguments elicit an insult. But I don’t want to become the source of a “mini slap to the face” of my spouse or my children or my parents. Do you? Let’s not give our family a “mini slap in the face.” Let’s commit to NOT insulting anyone in our family (or outside our family for that matter). Instead, we can act on Fred’s determination regarding the opportunity to insult his Uncle Scrooge: “his offenses carry their own punishment and I’ll have nothing to say against him.” Rather than getting caught in a cycle of insults, let’s determine to offer gratitude, compliments, or even constructive criticisms instead. I’m making that commitment. Will you join me?

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Your Popsicle-Toed, Cover-Stealing Spouse & Sleep

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I love my wife… but when we go to bed, she has the coldest feet, real “popsicle toes.” She steals the covers too… and makes snoring sounds from time to time.  Of course, to be fair, she accuses me of “twitching” and moving too much all through the night. (I try to deny it, but my brother told me the same thing in high school. And, come to think of it, my grandmother told me she could hear me “kicking around” in my sleep as well. And my college roommate…well, I guess it’s hard to deny the truth with so many witnesses. Anyway….) So, when my wife went on an overnight trip with her sister, I envisioned a blissful night of sleep—no cold feet, no stolen covers, no alarming sounds. But it didn’t work out that way; it never does. In fact, it seems I sleep worse when my wife is not home to share the bed with me, not better…always worse. Talking with my wife, she has the same experience. What’s the deal? Well, I finally found an explanation.

A study analyzing the data of 1,007 working age adults confirms my experience…and more. This study found that people who share a bed with their spouse reported less severe insomnia, less fatigue, and more time asleep than those who report never sharing a bed with their spouse.  In addition, they fell asleep faster and had less risk of sleep apnea. In other words, people sleep better sharing a bed with their spouse than they do alone.

But wait, there’s more. Sleeping with one’s spouse was also associated with lower depression, less anxiety, and less stress as well as greater satisfaction with life and relationships.

As I read the study review, I thought, “Maybe it’s just sleeping with a family member.” As if they read my mind, the researchers compared sleeping with a spouse to sleeping with a child.  Those who slept with their children most nights reported greater insomnia, exhibited a greater risk of sleep apnea, and had less control over their sleep (that last one is a “no kidding” one, right? Who has any control over their sleep with a child in the house, let alone in the bed?).

And, sleeping alone (the blissful moment of rest I had awaited) was actually associated with higher depression scores, lower social support and lower life and relationship satisfaction. Apparently, sleeping without my spouse in the bed is not what I had it cracked up to be.

Overall, this study suggests that sleeping with your spouse—cold toes, twitching, cover stealing, and all—results in greater emotional health and greater life satisfaction. All kidding aside, this fits with my life experience. There is comfort and peace in sleeping next to the one you love and to whom you’ve committed to sharing life.  It helps us connect and puts our “life rhythms in sync.” In the long run, I’m grateful for those popsicle toes and cover-stealing roll-overs. They let me know that the one I love is lying next to me and sharing life with me.  I’ll sleep better knowing she’s next to me, even as I pull the covers back over me in the night.

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Will You Commit to Gratitude

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It’s Thanksgiving. We’re nearing the end of “30 days of gratitude.” Most of us will enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving turkey as we sit around our tables and declare what has made us thankful this year. It’s easy to be gratitude for a day or a month, but what about the rest of the year. After all, we will experience difficult days in which we just don’t feel grateful. We will have days in which we struggle to even muster words of gratitude, let alone feel it. The world will press in and stress will overwhelm. The moments in which we don’t feel gratitude may even grow exponentially at times.

Fortunately, gratitude is not just a feeling. Gratitude is a choice, a hard choice but a choice, nonetheless. And this year I am choosing to make gratitude a practice. This year, I am going to choose to exercise my muscles of gratitude even when the feelings of gratitude are not present. 

I will choose gratitude when tempted to complain. Complaining focuses on what we don’t like and brings greater frustration. In choosing gratitude I will recognize what I don’t like while still giving thanks for the inherent blessings of the situation as well. Rather than complain in traffic, I will focus on the blessing of having a car…the employment to afford a car…the manufacturers who made the car…the air conditioning and heater that keep me comfortable in the car…the opportunity to visit with the passenger in the car…. I will choose gratitude and gain greater peace.  Rather than complain about the burnt toast, I will give thanks for the wealth to purchase bread…and the toaster to toast it…and the electricity that powers the toaster.

I will choose gratitude rather than pessimistically think the worst of mankind. I will recognize the complexity of people, their mix of positive and negative qualities. I will give thanks for the unbelievable strengths of people while recognizing their blind spots. I will give thanks for acts of exquisite beauty and grace while recognizing the ugliness of a fallen world. Through gratitude I will invest in the value of the people around me and perhaps nurture their better self.

I will choose gratitude to combat discontentment and counter envy. I will allow gratitude to open my eyes to the abundance I have received and the abundance around me. With gratitude for the abundance I enjoy, I will rejoice and be thankful for the gifts another receives. In a spirit of gratitude, I will find contentment in my life. 

I will choose gratitude in an effort to rise above the worries and momentary anxieties of this life. I will express gratitude for the support, love, and resources available to accomplish whatever task is arousing worry and anxiety.

I will choose gratitude even in the face of anger. Doing so will keep me aware of the many gifts the one who has aroused my anger has given in the past. In giving thanks for the blessing received from them in the past, I will not let their current “mistakes” take on apocalyptic proportions. 

I will choose gratitude to protect my relationships from the tyranny of callousness, ingratitude, and entitlement that leads to resentment and bitterness.

I will choose gratitude to elevate life and encourage love.

It may prove the more difficult road to travel. It may require practice. But I will choose gratitude because it will bring the greatest joy, the greatest growth, and the greatest opportunity for healthy relationships.

I will choose gratitude. Will you?

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Strengthen Your Family in 3 Words or Less

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Want to build a stronger family? Of course you do. We all do. We want a stronger, more intimate family. A healthy family. A connected family. Sometimes it sounds like hard work to “build” a strong, healthy family. But you can do it in three words or less…as long as you use those words often. Let me share some examples.

  • You see your spouse washing dishes. Now is your chance. Build a stronger relationship with these 3 little words: “Can I help?” Then follow through when she says “yes.”
  • Your parent is washing the car or raking leaves. “Can I help?” are the perfect 3 words to strengthen your connection with your parent.
  • Your child is frustrated with their homework. Now is not the time to lecture about waiting until the last minute. Instead, strengthen your bond with these 3 simple words: “Can I help?”
  • Your spouse asks for help cooking dinner or putting the summer porch furniture away. They ask for your help. I know. You’re busy. You have your chores too. But they’ve asked for your help; and you want to build intimacy, strengthen your connection. So, three simple words will help: “I’d love to.”

You can strengthen your relationship in less than three words too. Take these examples.

  • You ask someone in your family to pass the salt at dinnertime and they do. Reply with a simple “Thank you.” Two words, that’s all. But those two simple words strengthen the bond in your relationship.
  • You just finished putting away the clean dishes. You do it almost every day so it’s no big deal. But your spouse thanks you. You could minimize their gratitude; but then you would miss the opportunity to build the relationship. Instead, you say “My pleasure” –two words that deepen your spouse’s appreciation even further.
  • You said something mean in the midst of an argument. It just slipped out. You know it was wrong and you don’t really mean it. Nonetheless, it hurt the other person and erected a barrier between you and them. “I’m sorry” begins to repair the breach. “I’m sorry” accepts responsibility and opens the door to restore the intimacy lost.

These are only 2-3 word phrases. But, when shared generously, graciously, and authentically in our family, they will strengthen your family, increase the intimacy in your relationships, and bring greater health to your family relationships. What other simple 2-3 word phrases can you think of that will strengthen your family?

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It’s NOT All About You…or Me

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My wife asked me a question, a simple question. “Where’s the cinnamon?” But there was an edge of irritation in her voice that sent “my mind a wandering.” Why does she sound irritated? Does she think I stole it? Why would I steal cinnamon? She is probably accusing me of putting things in the wrong place or not even putting them away at all. What’s the big deal with cinnamon anyway? Why does she always think the worst of me? On my mind ran, escalating my fears and defensiveness. You can imagine my response was less than ideal.  

Have you ever had a similar experience? Your spouse asks a simple question and sounds slightly agitated. The agitation strikes a fear within you. You jump to a conclusion and assume the agitation is pointed toward you. You personalize it and think it’s all about you. It’s a common response, but not the best response.

When we take our spouse’s agitation personally, it almost always makes the interaction go south. When we personalize their agitation, we tend to respond with defensiveness. They hear our defensiveness and feel misunderstood. And so begins a downward spiral of communication that began when we personalized our spouse’s mood and thought it was all about us.

But I have a secret for you…and for me. It’s not all about you…or me. Most of the time it’s about something totally unrelated to you…or me.

What can we do instead of personalizing and getting defensive? How can we nurture a better response and interaction? Good question. Here are some suggestions (given in no particular order).

  • First, take a deep breath. Let the breath out slowly as you start talking to yourself. Begin with statements of curiosity: “Hmmm. I wonder what’s going on here.” Then offer yourself soothing internal thoughts in a calm tone using calm words. Remind yourself of the love you and your spouse share.
  • Second, believe the best about your spouse. Practicing a calming internal dialogue, leaves space for alternative meanings to your spouse’s behaviors and words. It allows room for a compassionate interpretation of what your spouse said or did. Look for those compassionate, loving interpretations and let your mind dwell on them.
  • Third, acknowledge your spouse’s feelings in a calm, non-defensive way. Simply reflect back the emotion you perceived in what they said. This opens the door for clarification and communication. It provides space for your spouse to clarify what’s going on for them and for the two of you to come together in a common understanding.

These 3 simple steps can help save an interaction from the downward spiral of personalizing, defensiveness, and feeling misunderstood. They will help you create a calm interaction of clarification and support instead. That will go a long way toward building a more intimate, loving relationship. And it all begins with realizing that “it’s not all about you.”

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Available to Family Today, Healthy Tomorrow

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An important aspect of feeling secure in a family is wrapped up in the answer to this question: “Are you available to me?” Most of the time, this question is not explicitly spoken, and the answer is given without saying a word. Instead, the answer is seen in our actions. A study published in the November 2021 edition of the journal Brain, Behavior and Immunity involved 1,054 healthy adults and showed the critical importance of how we answer this question. Specifically, the study explored whether giving social support played an important role in health. The researchers utilized measures of interleukin-6 (IL-6, which is a marker of systemic inflammation in the body and associated with increased risk of diseases like cardiovascular disease and cancer) to assess the relationship between giving social support and personal health.

At the start of this two-year study, participants completed a questionnaire measuring their social integration and how much they believed they could rely on family and friends when needed. Two years later, participants returned to the lab for blood tests measuring for IL-6. Careful reviews and assessments of the questionnaires and the completed blood work revealed that being available to give support was associated with lower levels of IL-6. In fact, the researchers only found this association in those who believed they could give support in their relationships. Did you catch that? It wasn’t the receiving of support that proved beneficial to health. Health was associated with being available to provide social support to family and friends, not just receive social support. It seems that our health is bound up in our willingness to be available to give social support to family and friends. This was especially true for women.

Back to our question: “Are you available to me?” According to this study, an individual’s answer to this question effects their health. When I am available to support my family and friends today, I experience greater health tomorrow. Now imagine if each family member made themselves available to support other family members. Each person’s relationships would become more rewarding and stress-relieving. The healing power of mutually supportive relationships would enhance the whole family’s health and well-being. In other words, being available to your family today means having a healthier family tomorrow. So put your family on the schedule. Set the example for your family by making yourself available to support them. Here are some great ways to make sure you are available to your family.

  • Schedule family meals several times a week. You can meet as a whole family or with individual members of your family.
  • Schedule a family fun night.
  • When you have an errand to run, invite a family member along. When your family member has an errand to run, ask to go along.
  • Do chores together and enjoy other mundane opportunities for quality time together.
  • Go for a walk.
  • Have a date. Whether it be a family outing date, a date with your spouse, or a parent-child outing, enjoy time together.
  • When a family member celebrates, celebrate with them. When they look down, ask them what’s going on. When they need comfort, comfort them. Take time from your schedule to be available to the profoundly important things in your life—like your family.
  • When a family member asks you for help, make the time to help them. Sure, there may be times you cannot help. But you can often set aside some less important activities (watching a TV show, reading a book, playing a game on your phone, etc.) for a short time in order to be available to help your family. Do your best to remain available to support and help your family.
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You, Your Family, & the World’s Analysis of Worth

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It is easy to get caught up in the world’s analysis. The world bases its analytic scrutiny of personal worth and value on comparisons. And it teaches us and our children to do the same. Unfortunately, this never works out well. On one hand, we may compare ourselves with those who have more than we do—more wealth, more opportunity, more personal strengths in particular area, more resources. As a result, we feel bad, not good enough, inadequate, and unworthy.

On the other hand, we might compare ourselves to those who made different choices than we did and then beat ourselves up with the stones of “if only I had….” Of course, we might compare ourselves with those who “have it worse than us.” As so many say, “there are always those who have it worse than us.” But that comparison runs the risk of making us arrogant and even entitled.

The analysis of comparison just isn’t the best way to go. But what is the alternative? Gratitude. Specifically, self-gratitude. How can you practice self-gratitude?

Start by viewing yourself with eyes of kindness, understanding, and support. Instead of beating yourself up for choices you wish you hadn’t made, give thanks for what you have learned and how you have grown. Recognize any good that came to you through the choice you made…and give thanks.

Continue to view yourself through eyes of kindness and humble understanding and identify your strengths and abilities. Recognize your talents, your skills, your abilities… and give thanks.

Think about your resilience and your dedication. The times you have overcome obstacles and carried on in spite of difficulties. Reflect on your determination, your spark…and give thanks.

Take time to acknowledge your kindness to others, your acts of compassion toward others… and give thanks.

Take one more moment to consider areas of your life in which you experience contentment. Maybe you want a new car, but you are content, for the moment, with the car you have. Perhaps you want to become a more skilled musician but, for the moment, you are content to practice and enjoy what you know. Contentment does not hinder progress and improvement. It merely sets the stage for enjoying your current ability or status; and that enjoyment opens the door for even better improvement and growth. Consider those areas of contentment in our life…and give thanks.

Set aside comparisons and take up the practice of gratitude instead:

  • Gratitude for areas of personal growth.
  • Gratitude for strengths, character, and abilities
  • Gratitude for areas of contentment.

And teach your family to do the same.

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“Two Wrongs Don’t….”

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“Two wrongs don’t….” I’m sure you can finish that statement. I hear parents say it to their children all the time. Ok. Just in case, I’ll finish it. “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” You knew that, right? In fact, two wrongs usually just make it worse. Two wrongs add insult to injury. On the other hand, I often hear adults make statements that add wrong to wrong, insult to injury, in their marriages. For instance,

  • I’ll respect my husband when he starts respecting me.
  • I’m not cleaning again until he starts doing his part.
  • They ignore me to play on their phone, so I just play on my phone and ignore them.
  • I’ll listen to her when she starts listening to me.
  • I’ll do more around the house when she quits nagging.

Did you catch the irony? We tell our children that “two wrongs don’t make a right,” but then we add wrong to wrong to prove a point to our spouses. Let me just say it, “Two wrongs don’t make a right,” even in marriage.  Refusing to respect your spouse until you feel respected only makes things worse. Any time we add wrong to wrong we multiply the pain and add another brick to the wall separating us from our spouse.

Can I suggest a better response? It’s not the natural response or even an easy response. But it’s a response that opens the door to reconciliation and greater intimacy. I’m suggesting that you respond with grace. Give your spouse the good you don’t believe they deserve. Return a blessing for an insult, a positive for a negative, good for bad. Respond in grace.

  • When you feel disrespected, respond with respect.
  • When you feel your spouse is not doing their part in keeping the home clean, talk to them for sure…but keep on cleaning, without complaining, in the meantime.
  • If you feel ignored when your spouse plays on their phone, put your phone down and sit next to them. Put your arm around them.
  • If you feel as though your spouse is not listening to you, intentionally make the effort to listen to them, understand them, and respond to the things they say.
  • When you feel your spouse is constantly nagging, kindly, without complaint, take care of the things they are nagging you about.
  • If you’re feeling like your spouse never shows you physical affection, give them a morning and evening kiss and a hug throughout the day.
  • Respond with grace.

Why respond with grace? First and foremost, because doing so is an expression of love and you love your spouse. At least you did at one point. And responding with grace may spark that love anew.  Secondly, it opens the door to reconciliation and growing intimacy. Third, because “two wrongs don’t make a right,” but grace in response to a wrong creates the opportunity for change.

Don’t believe it? Give it a try and see if grace doesn’t change your marriage over the next month. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.

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