Tag Archive for sexual intimacy

Improve Your Sex Life…BEFORE You Hit the Sheets

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Kevin Leman published a book entitled Sex Begins in the Kitchen. (Read the review here.) It’s not really a book about sex. But, it does make an important point about sex—if you want to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse, start preparing outside the bedroom. I mean way outside the bedroom. In fact, the most enjoyable and satisfying sex life is firmly established on factors that, on first glance, seem totally unrelated to sex and the bedroom. Let me give a few examples.African American Couple Laughing On The Floor

  1. A satisfying sex life is premised on responsiveness to your spouse’s needs and requests OUTSIDE the bedroom. This responsiveness will result in you serving your spouse. Taking out the garbage, washing the dishes, running the vacuum, and even cleaning the toilet become ways to respond to your spouse’s need for help and cleanliness. Responsiveness will also lead you to honor your spouse and her need for a break, his need to develop friendships, or her need to go out “with the girls.” You can learn more about the impact of this type of responsiveness on the quality of your intimacy by reading Increase Your Spouse’s Sexual Desire.
  2. A high quality sex life is built upon communicating admiration and fondness for your spouse on a daily basis. You don’t have to plan some extravagant show of admiration, just simple statements like “you look nice,” “thanks for dinner…you’re a great cook,” “you do a nice job on the yard,” or “thank you, I like working by your side” show fondness and admiration. Simple shows of affection (like a hug, holding hands, or a kiss with no expectation of anything more) are nonverbal ways to show admiration for your spouse. These simple shows of fondness and admiration communicate love. They build trust. They let our spouse know we desire him or her. They create an atmosphere conducive to intimate sharing and abandoned trust.
  3. An intimate sex life is enjoyed when we learn to accept invitations from our spouse to connect throughout the day. We offer up invitations of connection all the time. Some invitations are explicit; others are implicit. Questions like “Want to go for a walk” or “can we talk” are explicit, direct invitations to connect. But the day is filled with indirect, implicit invitations as well…like, “nice day, isn’t it?” or a gentle touch on the shoulder, a smile, or a sigh. Each of these statements, questions, or actions invite us to connect with our spouse. Each time we respond with genuine interest we stoke the fires of intimacy and open the doors for deeper relationships.
  4. Take #3 a step further by connecting emotionally to really boost your sex life. We all want to “feel” understood. We want to be known at the deepest level, to be heard in the silence of our hearts. When we acknowledge our spouse’s emotions and let their emotions impact us, we connect more deeply. When we respond to our spouses based on their emotions they feel heard, valued, connected. Sharing emotional connection builds an intimacy outside the bedroom that carries over into the bedroom.

At first glance, these four factors may not seem directly related to our sex life. But, our sex life is built upon and premised on our daily words, actions, and interactions. It is an outgrowth of our intentional responsiveness, communications of admiration, and connections throughout the day.

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Increase Your Spouse’s Sexual Desire

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A study recently published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Read Article Abstract Here) revealed a simple way to increase your spouse’s sexual desire for you…and you can do it anywhere! Here it is: the secret to increasing your spouse’s sexual desire for

you. You can increase your spouse’s sexual desire for you by being responsive to them outside the bedroom. The authors of this study exposed their findings after having 100 heterosexual couples keep a 6-week diary recording their own sexual desires and the responsiveness of their partner outside the bedroom. Responsiveness emerged as a key factor in maintaining sexual desire over time. Responsiveness to our spouses reveals a deep concern for their welfare and an awareness of what they really care about.  It exhibits a willingness to invest emotionally and mentally in the relationship, making the relationship feel special, unique. When you respond to your spouse’s wants and desires, you also communicate his/her special value in your life. All in all, this leads to increased sexual desire. And guys, the effect was bigger for women. So, the more responsive you are to your wife’s wants and needs outside the bedroom, the greater sexual desire she will feel. Need I say more?

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A Beauty Ritual to Enhance Romance?

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Revlon commissioned a study in 2015 and partnered with Fordham University to complete it. This study recruited 710 women to follow a “daily beauty ritual” and report its impact on their love life. The “daily beauty ritual” included looking into a mirror while applying a fragrance, applying eye make-up, enjoying a chocolate, applying lipstick, taking a deep breath, and smiling. (My favorite parts are enjoying a chocolate and smiling.) After four days:

  • African American Couple Laughing On The Floor97% of the women felt a positive change in themselves
  • 77% of the women felt more outgoing and social
  • 74% of the women were more likely to flirt
  • 71% of the women reported wanting more romance
  • 65% of the women noticed an increase in compliments from their partner
  • 60% of the women said their partner was more affectionate toward them
  • 58% of the women said their partner was more romantic
  • 56% of the women felt that others, including their partner, flirted with them more

Overall, this study seems to suggest that a daily beauty ritual charges their internal and external environment in a way that increases the likelihood of romance and intimacy. I have to admit, I have reservations (and questions) about this study and its validity; but, it does make a good point. You can deepen intimacy and heighten romance in your marriage by intentionally taking care of yourself and “looking your best” for your spouse. Taking care of your self—dabbing on some make-up, enjoying a small treat, putting on nice clothes, exercise—enhances feelings of confidence and competence. It makes us feel better about ourselves and we express that confidence in our actions and our interactions. Even more, when we take care of ourselves for our partner—putting on clothes to look nice for them, looking our best with them in mind—we also express how much we value them and their attention.  Let’s face it…that is romantic!  We find it romantic when our spouse thinks about our desires and our ideas. So, if you want to deepen intimacy with your spouse, take care of yourself. If you want to heighten the romance, take care of yourself with the tastes of your spouse in mind. And, most important, enjoy the romance.

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Want More Positive Interactions with Your Spouse?

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Want more positive interactions in your marriage? Become more spiritual! That’s the findings of a research team from Bowling Green University. They explored the connection between spirituality and marriage in a study involving 164 heterosexual couples having African American Couple Laughing On The Floortheir first child (click here for full article). The members of the research team defined “spirituality” as the “disclosure of one’s journey, questions, and doubts” to a spouse who “offered non-judgmental support when receiving the disclosure.” The results suggest that couples who report more spiritual intimacy also exhibit more positive behaviors and fewer negative behaviors toward one another, even in the midst of high conflict discussions. Perceived spiritual intimacy motivates couple to remain kind and increases their desire to preserve and protect their spouse and marriage. This study also found that those who view their marriage as sacred—as eternal and holy, reflective of God’s intentions—experienced more positive marital interactions as well.

So, we ask again: do you want a marriage with more positive interactions, even in the midst of conflict? Become more spiritual…and here are 4 ways to help you do this.

  • Consider how your marriage reflects God’s intentions. For instance, Ephesians 5 tells us that marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and His Bride, the Church. The opportunity to serve your spouse represents an opportunity to reflect the servanthood of Christ as described in Philippians 2. There are more to consider…like 1 Peter 3, Ephesians 4:25-29, Colossians 3:12-17. Reflect on how your marriage reveals God’s intention.
  • Share your life’s journey with your spouse. Recognize that life is a journey for all of us. Like any journey or adventure, our life’s journey is more enjoyable when shared with another. Share it with your spouse. And spouses, listen to that journey. Allow yourself to recognize the miracle inherent in your spouse’s story. Sharing our journey and standing in awe of the miracle of that journey will increase respect and intimacy in ways you never imagined.
  • Accept your spouse where they walk in their journey. We are all in different points on the journey. We all have doubts and questions. Listen to your spouse’s doubts and questions. Accept those doubts and questions and join your spouse in his or her struggle with them. Enjoy the intimacy that grows from exploring those doubts and questions. You might be surprised at how much your intimacy grows through the struggle.
  • Recognize the sacredness of your marriage. When you married your spouse, you set your relationship apart as sacred. Your relationship with your spouse is holy, a step above all other earthly relationships. You set your marriage apart as the place to share your deepest joys and your most profound sorrows. Your marriage is a place set apart to share your greatest creative work, the raising of children. In marriage you ordain your relationship as the place of personal growth, a place of sacrificial giving, a place of dying to yourself in order to promote your spouse’s growth. Marriage truly is a most sacred place.

Consider how your marriage reflects God. Share your life’s journey with your spouse. Accept your spouse’s journey. Recognize the sacredness of your marriage. Take time to do these four things and you will experience greater intimacy, more positive interactions, and more joy in your marriage. (And, might I say a more satisfying sexual relationship? Yes, I think I will! You will experience a Sacred Sex, as Tim Alan Gardner so aptly names it.)

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Forget the Flowers & Do the Dishes

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A recent study in the Journal of Family Psychology by Matthew Johnson and two other authors (Read abstract here) suggests an association between a husband’s willingness to serve and the couple’s sexual satisfaction. Specifically, 1,338 heterosexual couples were asked about housework (How much housework do you do? What specific chores do you do? Do you have any “beef with the breakdown”?) and their marital relationship. Results indicate that men who take on a fair share of the chores report a higher frequency of sex with their partner and greater satisfaction with their sex life as whole. It appears that acting on the opportunity to serve one’s wife may enhance sexual intimacy. Really, the benefit of living out an attitude of servanthood is not a new idea. The first century evangelist, Paul, stated that we “were called to freedom. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather serve one another humbly in love” (Galatians 5:13). Even Christ told His followers, “Whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:43-45). Christ came to serve His future Bride!

So guys, “Sex Begins in the Kitchen,” with serving, just like Kevin Leman suggested in his book of the same title. If you want a more intimate satisfying sex life, start by serving your wife and family. Do the dishes. Help with the laundry. Cook a meal. Clean the bathroom…. Use your freedom and position to humbly serve your wife. You’ll find the results exhilarating!

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Don’t “Phub-up” Your Marriage

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A study out of Baylor University suggests that married couples can damage their marriage and romance by “phubbing” their partner. Specifically, a survey of 145 people found that “phubbing” your partner creates conflict and leads to lower marital satisfaction. So, quit “phubbing” your spouse!

phubbingIf you’re like me, you have no idea whether you phub your partner or not because you have no idea what “phubbing” is. I know what you mean. I’m the same way. So, let me share what I found out. “Phubbing” is “snubbing your partner in order to look at your phone”…phubbing. (I know. Where do people come up with this stuff? But, I like it!) Anyway, this study found partners feel “phubbed” if, and I quote:

  • “My partner places his/her cellphone where they can see it when we are together.
  • My partner uses his/her cellphone when we are out together.
  • My partner uses his/her cellphone during leisure time we could spend together.
  • My partner keeps his/her cellphone in their hand when he or she is with me.
  • My partner glances at his/her cellphone when talking to me.
  • My partner checks his/ her cellphone in the midst of conversation.
  • My partner checks his/her cellphone if there is a lull in our conversation.”

In this survey 46% of the respondents had been “phubbed” by their partners. A full 23% said “phubbing” caused conflict in their relationship and 37% felt depressed about it! Think about that, one in four said “phubbing” caused conflict and one in three said it depressed them. So you can see how “phubbing” lowers marital satisfaction for the one being “phubbed.”

Perhaps we need to add a warning label to all cellphones: “Warning. Use with caution. Phubbing is harmful to your marriage and relationships, creating a 23% chance of conflict with your partner.” Or, perhaps I go to far…just quit “phubbing up” your marriage. (For more on the impact of cellphones on relational intimacy read Family Date Night Tip: Don’t Text & Date.)

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The Top 6 Reasons for Men to Help Around the House

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A recent study conducted by Alyssa Croft, a PhD Candidate in the University of British Columbia, suggests that “girls grow up with broader career goals in households where domestic duties are shared more equitably by parents” (Read review of study here). In other words, girls who watch their father do dishes, laundry, and other household chores Man ironing a pair of jeansbelieve they can pursue a broader range of vocational options, not just “feminine oriented jobs.” The broader range of options includes vocations that range from nurse to doctor, teacher to accountant, librarian to scientist, secretary to lawyer. Girls who witnessed their father engage in household chores were also more likely to envision themselves as having future careers in leadership or management positions.

 

Interestingly, mothers and fathers had a different impact on their daughter’s future in this study of 326 children between the ages of seven and thirteen years. A mother’s belief about gender and work equality predicted the daughter’s attitude toward gender. But, a father’s actual involvement in household chores seemed to be the key to open the gate for daughters to pursue more career roles involving leadership, management, or professional positions. It seems actions speak louder than words in the case of fathers and careers!

 

I don’t know about you, but I’d like my daughters to experience the freedom to pursue any career they choose, whether it be a stay-at-home mom, nurse, doctor, teacher, or business owner. If my sharing household chores can help broaden their perceived career options, then I guess I can wash some dishes and help with the laundry. However, I believe there are other, even more, significant reasons for a husband and father to help with household chores. Let me share six.

  1. We already learned that it might help to broaden our daughter’s perceived career options. But, there…I said it again.
  2. A father who helps with household chores is modeling a humble attitude of service. I hear men speak of themselves as leaders in the home. Well, take that role of leadership seriously by leading in the art of service. Show your family that leaders serve.
  3. When a father helps with household chores, he shows the importance of working together. It takes a whole family to keep a household running smoothly. Dusting, cooking ironing, cleaning, laundry, yard work, setting and clearing the table…the list goes on…and it is too much for one person! When a husband models a willingness to join the team and actively participate in the day to day household duties, children are more likely to work for the “team” (AKA-family) as well.
  4. Helping with household chores is an expression of love and appreciations. When a husband washes dinner dishes, he is, in a very practical way, expressing love and appreciation for his wife cooking the dinner. Expressing love and appreciation will grow a more intimate marital relationship and close-knit family. So, show how much you love and appreciation your wife by cleaning the bathroom.
  5. As Kevin Leman said, “sex begins in the kitchen.” Women find men who do household chores somewhat sexy. They are drawn to men who can humbly serve in doing household chores. If you think I’m making this up, check out this short 1-min-51-sec video…unbelievable. Need I say more?
  6. The number one reason for/ husbands and fathers to help with household chores… because dishes get dirty, furniture gets dusty, and laundry needs folded. We like to get things done. If it needs done, “man up” and do it.
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The Secret to a More Passionate Marriage

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I recently read a blog on Greater Good (All You Need is Love, Oxytocin, and Gratitude) that revealed an interesting secret for building a stronger, more passionate marriage. I will give you the secret if you promise to try it out for several weeks. It works…even though it is not that hard! Here’s the secret. You’re going to love it! In order to have a more African American Couple Laughing On The Floorintimate, passionate marriage, express gratitude for your spouse. Wait a second. Don’t quit yet. When I say gratitude I do not mean a simple thank you. Gratitude is more than appreciating what your spouse does. Gratitude is appreciating who your spouse is…not just appreciating that they brought you home a gift or emptied the dishwasher but appreciating that they are thoughtful enough to know that such a simple act would mean something to you. When we express that kind of gratitude (thus the secret) to our spouse, our marriage will grow more passionate. Research shows that sharing this type of gratitude increases joy and enthusiasm for both partners as well as the overall quality of the relationship. Couples that express and receive this type of gratitude from one another are also more peaceful, confident, and amused. Both partners perceive the other as more understanding, validating, caring, and responsive. These “feel good results” arise because of the oxytocin released into each person’s system in response to this type of gratitude. Interestingly, sharing a personal positive event with your spouse does not produce all these great results. Instead, sharing a personal positive event simply increases joy and enthusiasm. It seems that focusing on the other person with an attitude of gratitude has a special effect…an effect that goes beyond merely telling my spouse about the good events of my life. So, go ahead and talk about the fun events you experienced while apart from your spouse for the day. Share the positive experiences you enjoyed as an individual. That will increase joy and enthusiasm in you and your relationship. But, if you want a really intimate and passionate marriage, get beyond your own experiences and start to express how much you appreciate your spouse’s actions and, even more important, the person behind those actions.

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Put the Zing of Anticipation in Your Marriage

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We have all experienced anticipation…that feeling of excitement that something is going to happen, the expectation that an exciting event is coming your way! Perhaps you experienced Middle Aged Man Eating Unhealthy Fried Breakfastanticipation while looking at the oddly shaped and wrapped present under the tree with your name on it. Or, you may have felt anticipation when you knew a family member was coming home for a visit after their first semester at college…or your adult child was bringing a newborn grandchild home…or you patiently tapped the Heinz ketchup bottle in just the right place, anticipating the gentle flow of sweet ketchup onto the plate next to your french fries. You get the idea. Anticipation builds excitement. It motivates us to action. It energizes our desires. It draws us toward the object of our anticipation. If waiting for ketchup to come out of the bottle and flavor our fries can do all that, imagine what anticipation can do for your marriage! That’s right, anticipation can build excitement in your marriage; motivate you to act in response to your spouse, energize your desires. It can put the “zing” back in your marriage.  So, how do you build anticipation in your marriage?

  1. Keep your spouse in mind, even when you are apart. If you happen to come across something your spouse enjoys, pick it up and bring it home as a gift. This could be as simple as bringing home her favorite gum or his favorite candy bar. You may find this simply means sending a quick text message telling your spouse you’re thinking of them and love them.
  2. Do the unexpected. Bring home flowers once in a while. If that is too common, try bringing home a fruit bouquet. Maybe you can give your spouse a card of your own design, made with your own hands. Surprise your spouse with tickets for the CLO or the baseball game. Just use your imagination and do something unexpected to express your love to your spouse.
  3. Romance your spouse. Don’t let the romance end after dating. Intentionally keep the romance alive. Imagine putting on some nice music, lighting the candles, and giving your spouse a back massage. Or, go on a special date followed by a walk along the boardwalk hand-in-hand.
  4. Do a special chore around the house. We all know there are chores our spouse hates to do as well as things our spouse would like us to do. Whether it is cleaning the garage or washing the dishes, do a chore that will have special meaning for your spouse.

 

By doing these activities on a regular basis, you build anticipation in your marriage. Your spouse will wait with excited expectation to see what you will do next. They will look at you with the spark of anticipation in their eyes, waiting expectantly to see how you share your love today. And, your spouse will more actively seek out ways to show you love as well!

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Three Gifts of Sexual Intimacy

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I don’t normally write about sexual intimacy and marriage. However, I have had several couples in my office discussing issues of sexual intimacy and decided to share a few thoughts. To begin with, sexual intimacy is a gift given by God to a married couple…and a gift given by one person to another. It is a precious gift, a special gift; a gift to be carefully guarded and highly honored. Here are three aspects about the precious gift of sexual intimacy I believe important.

 

The gift of sexual intimacy is sacred. It is holy, set apart. Sexual intimacy is not a crude, common form of intimacy. Instead, sexual intimacy is set apart from the common and made sacred. It is uniquely designed by God to express the creative love between a man and a woman. By that unique design, it allows for an intimacy that can be experienced in no other way…an intimacy that involves not just our bodies but the entwining of our emotions, intellect, and spirit—our whole being. In sexual intimacy we get to “taste and see” that the one we love is good; mentally imprint their scent, touch, and face in our memory; emotionally share a deep moment of unequaled intimacy; and spiritually unite as one. When couples share sexual intimacy (whether holding hands, hugging, kissing, or total sexual intimacy), they engage in a sacred time, a holy time set apart by God. As such, sexual intimacy is not be engaged in lightly. It is set apart for the deep expression of committed love within a marriage.

 

The gift of sexual intimacy is built upon cherishing one another. Cherish literally means “to keep warm,” “to foster tender love and care.” Sexual intimacy is not something we use to manipulate our spouse. It is an act in which we tenderly cherish our spouse. Realize that cherishing is revealed through caring and caring translates into a loving empathy that opens us up to the needs of our spouse and a compassion that compels us to relieve that need. When we, as a couple, learn to cherish sexual intimacy, we focus on satisfying our partner’s needs and desires, not our own. We also foster an unconditional acceptance of our spouse…an acceptance that allows us to “stand naked and unashamed” in one another’s presence; an acceptance that calls forth and nurtures the best qualities of our spouse’s life; an acceptance that welcomes, even adores and treasures, our spouse, limitations and all. Cherishing undergirds true and joyous sexual intimacy.

 

The gift of sexual intimacy is to be nourished. We nourish sexual intimacy by pleasing one another. Sexual intimacy is not simply about getting my desires satisfied, but the joy discovered in meeting the needs and desires of the one we love. To nourish sexual intimacy, we engage in sexual intimacy…not just physically but in all aspects of our married life. Sexual intimacy begins by caring for one another and showing value for one another. We nourish sexual intimacy by speaking kindly and lovingly to one another when in the presence of others and when alone. We nourish sexual intimacy by serving one another, helping one another with the “tasks of the day.” We nourish sexual intimacy with words of personal encouragement, actions that contribute to our spouse achieving his or her goals, and loving touch that communicates affection and respect. Holding hands, a hug, respectful eye contact, and playful interactions all nourish sexual intimacy. As you can see, we begin to nourish sexual intimacy long before we move to the bedroom. Sexual intimacy is nourished by a lifestyle that communicates love and affection, respect and admiration.

 

Perhaps that is the biggest “secret” of all—sexual intimacy is not an act but a lifestyle…a lifestyle in which I set apart all aspects of my life to share intimately with my spouse and no other; a lifestyle in which I cherish and nourish my spouse emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually throughout the day. With that foundation, sexual intimacy culminates in a deep wealth of loving expression and intimacy.

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