Tag Archive for presence

Are You There For Me?

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Our families are filled with people—spouses, children, us—who crave connection. But you already know that. You have experienced that craving in yourself and seen it in others, I’m sure. In fact, the #1 goal of arguments is connection. We desire emotional connection with one another. Emotional connection makes us secure. It communicates our acceptance. And fortunately, we can nurture emotional connection with our family. It is nurtured by everyday interactions. Each time we respond to our spouse, our children, or our parents, we build trust and emotional connection. We communicate acceptance. We let them know that “we are there for them.” Ironically, even benign statements open the door to building emotional connection, if and when we respond. For instance:

  • “It’s a beautiful day today” becomes more than a comment about the day. It’s an invitation to engage, a request to “join me in paying attention to something I find interesting.”
  • Your response to “Can you grab me a drink while you’re up?” becomes the answer to the silent question of “Will you listen and respond to my simple requests? Will you help me?”
  • “How do you like this recipe? It’s the first time I tried it” is an invitation to show interest or excitement in “my experimentation and my accomplishments, my life.”
  • “Did you have a good day?” seeks more than a simple “yes/no” response. It’s a request for you to take the time to share your day. Your response answers the silent question, “Will you take the time to share your life with me?”
  • “I’m exhausted” becomes an invitation to “help me destress and relax.”
  • “Remind me when we get home to tell you what happened” is an invitation to have a private conversation and hear something about my day.

These statements often sound like simple conversation starters, but they are much more. They are open doors inviting you into greater emotional connection. Take the time to respond, walk through the door, and connect emotionally with your family. Each time you do, you answer an important, albeit silent, question everyone asks within their relationships, a question asked indirectly through subtle statements like those above: “Are you there for me?” Answer wisely. Be present. Respond. Connect.

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The Work of Dad

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I recently read an interesting article by John A. Cuddeback entitled Reclaiming a Father’s Presence at Home. In this article, he makes a “radical suggestion” that we measure a man’s success in life, his manhood even, by the quality of his presence in his home and with his family. Based on a historical analysis of the diminishing presence of the father in the home, he describes how the success of children and the ongoing success of family are impacted by a father’s presence or lack of presence. Without the active presence of a father, family relationships weaken. The depth of connections become more superficial. Beliefs around productivity and leisure change, succumbing to the more readily available cultural trends that also weaken the family unit (like technology, busy-ness, adult-organized and run activities). It was a very interesting article. I see the validity of his perspective.

Fortunately, the author did not stop with the description of how a father’s lack of presence impacts children and families. He also offered some excellent suggestions for reversing this trend. In my mind, these suggestions reveal the most important work of a Dad, the work that will transcend any other work he will every do. These suggestions reveal a work that will make all other activities of a Dad pale in comparison. Let me briefly share these suggestions for the work of a Dad.

  1. A Dad’s work begins with loving his wife well. A home begins with a man and a woman who love one another. With this in mind, a man’s presence in the home, a Dad’s work, begins with his presence to his wife. In loving his wife and being present to her needs, a Dad sets the stage for his children’s sense of security. From a loving, nurturing marital relationship flows the love and nurturance children need to thrive. When the marital relationship is marred with antagonism, mistrust, and harshness, children lose their sense of security. They experience the world as antagonistic, untrustworthy, and harsh. They become more vigilant, more skeptical, and more self-protective. When a man loves his wife well, his wife flourishes. Their relationship overflows with love and kindness. They function as a team. Children experience the world as loving, trustworthy, and cooperative. Truly, a Dad’s work in the home begins with loving his wife well.
  2. A Dad’s work involves engaging in “home arts” with his family. “Home arts” include activities in which parent and child engage together, generally with the parent acting as mentor. These activities often involved learning together and always mean sharing time together. “Home arts” may include cooking, gardening, carpentry, mechanics, landscaping, music…whatever the interests of your family happen to be. For other families “home arts” may also include activities such as reading, writing, historical explorations, biology, or similar pursuits. Whatever the “home art” that fits with your family, it will involve the Dad making an investment of time and energy in the lives of his children and spouse. It will require spending time together negotiating and pursuing common interests. That is the beauty of Dad’s work in the home. It involves time shared together pursuing a common interest and goal…which leads a third work of a Dad in the home.
  3. A Dad’s work means prioritizing shared activities. Shared activities differ from “home arts” because they often do not involve learning as a goal. Shared activities do allow families to enjoy time together and may, at times, overlap with “home arts.” But the main goal of shared activities is to have enjoyable time together sharing fun and life. One shared activity that research has shown to have a positive impact on family is the family meal. Another shared activity research has shown especially impactful when Dads participate is reading together. Other shared activities can include praying and worshiping as a family, singing together, and outdoor activities like playing catch, bike riding, or hiking. These shared activities provide fertile soil for conversations and deepening relationships as your family solves problems and overcomes obstacles together.

The work of Dad in the home involves his intentional presence. It begins with loving his wife well. From there it flows into “home arts” and shared activities.  Although this work takes intention, it culminates in joy and reveals man at his best! So, Dad, let’s get to work.

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What Piglet (& family) Needs to Know

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I like Pooh…that sounds bad. Let me rephrase and start again.

I like Winnie the Pooh. He brings us a great deal of wisdom. For instance, consider the wisdom in this sketch and Piglet’s request to “be sure of you.” Very wise, especially when it comes to family. Sometimes we just need to know our loved ones are there.

poohPresent

Our spouses need to be sure of us. They need to know our ears are attuned to their whispered needs. They need assurance that we will respond to their subtle requests by turning toward them in love. They need to feel our touch reminding them of our presence and involvement in their lives, assuring them that we yearn to walk hand in hand with them through life.

 

Our children need to be sure of us. They want to be heard and acknowledged by us no matter how quiet and inept their voice might sound. They need to know we are available to them. They seek assurance that we delight in them and rejoice when they approach us. They long for us to take their hand and gently guide them through the dark woods.

 

Assure your spouse and children of your presence in their lives. Remind them of your desire to respond to even their subtle needs and desires. Constantly communicate your unending love and delight in them. All it takes is a smile, a hug, or a word of affection…but the joy and comfort it gives will last a lifetime.

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The Gift of Freedom is Wrapped in Safety

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I wanted to present this information with a creative flare. Maybe an inspiring story, a personal experience, or an insightful saying would provide the creative boost I wanted. But, I just couldn’t come up with anything. So, I am just have to say it straight out. I have to stick with the direct approach. Here it is: Children need to feel safe. Feeling safe opens the door to healthy development. Specifically, our children need to feel safe in order to:

  1. Have the freedom to explore the world around them and learn about themselves, others, and the world.
  2. Have the freedom to develop into mature adults based on their unique interests and abilities.
  3. Have the freedom to establish healthy, loving relationships with family, friends, and other adults.

Paper chain family protected in cupped handsWithout a sense of safety, our children’s development in each of these areas is hindered, even delayed. The freedom to grow comes wrapped in the package of safety! Parents play a crucial role in helping children develop the sense of safety that allows for healthy development. Let me share four of the most important ways you, as parents, shape an environment that makes children feel safe. In order to create an environment in which children feel safe:

  1. Remain consistently present in your children’s lives. Make time for your children. Remain present even when you are angry at them. Be available even when times are tough. Rejoice with them. Grieve with them. Cry with them. Play with them. Let them know, come rain or come shine, in good times and in bad, you are available and present in their lives.
  2. Build predictability into your family life. Predictability equals safety in your children’s mind. Morning routines, mealtime routines, homework routines, bedtime routines all add predictable structure to a family’s daily life. Rituals to recognize holidays, birthdays, and special effort or achievement also add structure and predictability to family life. These routines and rituals combine to create a safe structure in which variations and unusual circumstances can be understood and integrated. In other words, when children typically experience a loving structure in their home, they can better handle emergencies. They can more easily navigate occasional changes in routine. They can better manage unusual events. Give your children the gift of a predictable structure.
  3. Discipline with confidence. Children need limits to feel safe. They need to know that their misbehavior and outbursts of emotion will not overwhelm their parent. Give them the comfort of knowing a competent adult can and will enforce a limit in the face of any behavior or emotion. On the other hand, children need enough information to make sense of a limit and the related consequence. Establishing clear limits/consequences and communicating those limits/consequences in a concise manner will increase your children’s sense of safety exponentially.
  4. Discipline with empathy. Discipline most often occurs when children’s behavior or desires are at odds with parental decisions. Having a viewpoint that clashes with their parents’ viewpoint can raise your children’s level of anxiety. To nurture a sense of safety in the midst of these opposing views, parents discipline with empathy. Empathize with your children’s frustration, but stand firm. Listen to their reasons for wanting a change in the limit as they mature; but remember, you still have the final say. You determine the limit based on your experience and your knowledge of your children’s abilities and needs.

 

By establishing these four practices you increase your children sense of safety. In response, they will be better able to explore themselves and the world around them. They will mature into healthy adults. And, they will misbehave less often.

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Parenting Advice to Parents of Teens…From Teens

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Parenting teens is tough. They often seem to believe they have all the answers. They “know” exactly what they need, exactly how a parent can best parent, and exactly what their parent is doing wrong. Well, I decided to listen in on the vast wisdom of a few teens and learn some of their parenting tips. Actually, they did offer some pretty good advice. So, I’m sharing their advice with you—advice to parents straight from the teen’s mouth.

  • Cute Teenage Girl with Serious Expression“Get a hobby.” Healthy teens are moving toward independence. They want to establish their own identity, to individuate and become their “own person.” So, they begin to spend more time with friends and less time with parents. The joy of having a parent by their side now becomes the annoyance of “my parent, the stalker.” Don’t misunderstand this advice. Teens still need parents. Even more surprising, teens want their parents to remain available and attentive to their needs. They need a safety net only their parents can provide. Remain available to your teen. Let your teen know you are available. Talk with them. But “get a hobby.” Do not make them the sole focus of your life. Invest in your own interests and friends. Have fun with other adults.
  • “Quit interrogating me.” Many teens have told me they “can’t stand” being asked “a lot of questions.” They don’t want to walk through the door into a barrage of questions: “How are you? Where did you go? What did you do? How was school? Did you remember to put gas in the car? How come you look unhappy? Are you OK? What’s wrong?” Quit asking so many questions and simply greet your teens when they come home. Ask one, maybe two questions. Tell them about your Give them space and allow for some silence. Develop the conversation of friendship with your teen—one which involves both people sharing information about themselves and their day. Honor your teen by trusting them to reveal information to you in their time and in their way while you simply keep the door open.
  • “Let me be me.” Too many teens feel compared to a parent, brother, sister, neighbor, or “me when I was your age….” Comparisons leave us, and our teens, feeling unaccepted or “not good enough.” In response, our teen might just give up and say, “Nothing I do is good enough anyway.” Comparisons hinder our teens’ self-esteem. Instead of making comparisons, simply acknowledge what your teens do. Accept their level of ability, acknowledge their interests, and praise their efforts to improve. You will watch your teen grow in maturity as a result.
  • “It’s my life. Let me make my own mistakes.” Of course we do not want our teen to make a life threatening mistake. However, most mistakes are more of an inconvenience than a true threat. Teens learn from their mistakes, just like we did. So, let your teen make some mistakes. Keep the lines of communication open so you can warn them of the dangers. Remain available to offer guidance. Rather than telling them “I told you so,” show empathy for the discomfort and negative results your teens experience when they make the poor choice. Doing so will allow your teen to learn from that mistake…just like you and I did.
  • “Life with you is boring.” The teen brain is undergoing a whole remodeling. During remodeling, teens’ “reward center” operates differently. They need a greater thrill, a bigger risk, to activate the reward center. But, when it is activated, they experience a greater rush, a bigger thrill, and are ready to do it again. In other words, what excites you and I will often bore our teen. So, they seek the next thrill; and when they find that thrill they get a rush of chemicals in their brain’s reward center. We don’t want that thrill to be life threatening or dangerous. Taking the time to know your teen is a healthy practice to help you manage their risky behavior. Take time to discover your teens’ likes and interests. Gently guide them toward taking healthy risks based on their interests. Help them learn how to find that rush of excitement while remaining safe.

Believe me, teens have a lot more to say about parenting, but I didn’t want to overwhelm anybody. Just let these 5 pieces of teen parenting advice sink in and maybe we can learn more “teen wisdom” in the future.

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The #1 Ingredient for Building Friendships With Your Children

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I remember coming home from the park with my preschool daughters. One would say, “I made a friend today.” Her face glowing and her voice bubbling with excitement.

“Really,” I would ask. “What’s her name?”

“I don’t know.”

“Where does she live?”

“I don’t know.” (Both times the “I don’t know” reply was said in a nonchalant manner, as though the question held no real relevance at all.)

“How do you know she’s your friend?”

“We played on the slide together,” she answered excitedly

“Will you see her again?”

“Yes, Daddy, she comes to the park too,” was the confident reply. 

 

This brief conversation, which occurred time and again, taught me an important lesson. Preschoolers build friendships based on shared activities. They don’t need to know a lot of information about the other person. They just want to play together. So, my preschool daughter could go to the park for an hour and walk away with a “new best friend” simply because they engaged in a fun activity together. That realization started me thinking (always a dangerous pastime)…if any little kid can become my daughter’s “new best friend” by playing together at the park for less than an hour, I could really build my relationship with her by enjoying a fun activity with her each day! We could play hide-n-seek, swing on the swings, make chocolate chip cookies, play catch, kick a ball, read a book…the possibilities are limitless. The activity itself is less important than the outcome. What is the outcome? Having a shared activity with my daughter.  In her eyes, that makes us “best friends.” And from those foundational preschool “best friend” activities, I begin to develop a lifelong relationship!  When she begins to base friendships more on who is a part of her life and world (which she will do in the elementary school years), I will have already laid the foundation of spending time with her. I can continue to spend time with her and become an integral part of her every day world. When she enters her teen years and begins to base her friendships on shared interests and trust, I will have laid the foundation of trust by spending consistent time with her through the preschool and elementary years. I will have laid the foundation of having shared interests with her by involving myself in her world throughout the elementary school years. Building on that foundation, I can remain available throughout her teen years, faithful in my presence and trusted with information. Simply by sharing activities with my daughter during her preschool years, I will have built a relationship that will sustain us into young adult and throughout the rest of our lives. A simple step during preschool will have set us on a trajectory leading to a constantly growing relationship. So, start building relationships early in your children’s lives…and enjoy a lifetime relationship. If you missed the beginning, don’t worry. You can always start spending time with them now…you can begin to share activities today…you become present in their world today…you can prove yourself trustworthy today. The important thing is to start. Let the relationship begin!

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6 Tips to Fertilize Your Marital Lawn

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My friend says the “grass is always greener on the other side.” I don’t know. I’ve found that the grass is always greener when I fertilize. My grass stays green through the summer and fall when I take care of the lawn. Trouble is…some summers (like this summer) I get too busy to take care of my lawn. It gets overgrown with weeds and turns brown earlier in the fall. My neighbor fertilized this year and I didn’t. He still has a beautiful lawn…mine is burned out and full of weeds. So, next year I fertilize (well, at least that’s the plan). After all, the grass is always greener when I fertilize.

The same is true in marriage. The best marriages belong to those who fertilize, who take care of their own marital lawn rather than looking at someone else’s. In fact, if you look at other couples and think the grass is always greener on the other side, you definitely need to look at your daily lawn care and use a little marital fertilizer. To help you get started toward a beautiful marital lawn, here are a couple of marital lawn care ideas.


·   Get rid of the weeds that threaten to choke out the healthy growth in your marital lawn. Forgiveness is great for getting rid of deep-rooted weeds like anger and resentment.


·   Time management skills help to eradicate those pesky weeds that seem to pop up all over the place and multiple like dandelions. Time management means learning to say “no” to those activities that might interfere with your marriage and making time to spend with your spouse. Without time management, weeds of busy-ness will grow like dandelions and destroy your marital lawn.


·   Get rid of the grubs and other pests that eat the roots of your healthy lawn. The best way to keeps grubs and pests out of your lawn is to utilize a secret lawn care ingredient made up of equal parts admiration, affection, and acknowledgement. Take the time every day to think about the attributes you admire in your spouse. After you have thought of these attributes, tell your spouse. In other words, tell your spouse at least one thing you admire about them every day. Follow that acknowledgement of admiration with a show of affection…like a hug, a kiss, a stroke of the cheek, a holding of the hand…you can use your imagination to think of others.


·   Water your marital lawn every day with a healthy shower gratitude and kindness. Show your spouse how much they mean to you by doing kind deeds for them every day. Express gratitude for the kind deeds they do for you.


·   Keep your marital lawn well-irrigated with politeness as well. Let “thank you,” “please,” “after you,” and “excuse me” flow freely through the soil of your marriage. 


·   Put some extra fertilizer on your garden. The three ingredients of this fertilizer will keep your marital lawn healthy, green, and plush—it’s the 20-2/6-3 fertilizer

   o    A 20 minute conversation each day to talk about what happened during the day and upcoming plans.

   o    At least 2 hugs a day, each lasting 6 seconds or more.

   o    Share at least 3 kisses each day–one when you say good-bye, another when you return home, and a third when you go to bed.     

If you utilize these marital lawn care practices, you will have a fresh, green lawn free of weeds and pests…and your marriage will prosper. Indeed, the grass is always greener for those who fertilize!

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2 Family Lessons From the Bluetooth Wanderer

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The other day I was in a grocery store and someone started talking to me. I turned and responded, but he ignored me. In fact, he didn’t even notice me. That’s when I recognized the far off look in his eyes and the Bluetooth attached to his ear–familiar and identifying marks of the Bluetooth wanderer. The Bluetooth Wanderer was not talking to me at all. No, he was talking to an invisible someone, unheard by me, but obviously speaking plainly to him. I didn’t know who he was talking to; but I knew that I was not the person who had his ear. I was not the person on his mind. Whoever talked at the other end of the phone had his ear. He completed his shopping in a somewhat mindless manner as he focused on the person he spoke to on the phone. The tell-tale sign of his far off stare, as though he was looking across the Ethernet to see the person on the other end, signaled that he was more intent on his conversation than his present surroundings, listening more intently to the person who had his ear than to the everyday sounds that surrounded him. As I continued my own shopping, I realized that I might be able to learn a few things from this Bluetooth Wanderer. Maybe he can teach us a few things about family. For instance,
 
1.      This Bluetooth Wanderer gave “mind space” to the person on the other end of the line. He kept that person in mind. Even when they were not physically present, that other person had his ear and filled his mind with their spoken thoughts, desires, and experiences. We honor our family members when we keep them in mind as well. Giving “mental space” to family members’ desires and experiences, even when they are not physically present, allows us to think about them throughout the day. We can remember them with affection and look forward to rejoining them at the end of the day. We can recall positive aspects of their personality and our relationship with them throughout the day. Our family members suddenly hold weight and influence in our everyday decisions and actions when we allow them to take up residence and become permanent tenants in our mind.
 
2.      That Bluetooth Wanderer filtered his experience in the store through the conversation he held with whoever talked at the other end of his phone. The person he spoke with took priority over his daily experience and shaped how he viewed his daily activities. Our mindful awareness of family will filter our world as we keep them in mind as well. Our priorities and daily actions will reflect their presence in our mind. By allowing their personality, interests, and desires to occupy a portion of our mind throughout the day, we may even find a simple gift or action to offer them to express our love. Our devotion will grow as we practice this mindful awareness of family. Temptations to drift from family will decrease as we give our mind and attention to our family. When we let our family hold sway over our mind and attention, even when not physically present, we are less likely to be tempted by other, less important, things.
 
The Bluetooth Wanderer always surprises me. I mistakenly think he is speaking to me only to discover he is more interested in someone else, a person who holds sway over his mind and attention through the Bluetooth. I don’t know about you, but I want my family to hold sway over my mind and attention. So, perhaps we can learn this lesson from the Bluetooth Wanderer.
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Take My Presence With You

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I love this commercial (click on picture to watch). The little Darth Vader suddenly becomes empowered–“may the force go with him.” What does this have to do with parenting? As family shepherds, we don’t necessarily want our children to have “the force go with them;” but, we do want them to have our “presence go with them.” We do our children a great service when we build a sense of our presence into their lives. A child gains a sense of security, personal power, and comfort when they have the realization that their “parent’s presence goes with them.” Like the little Darth Vader in this commercial, children who have a “parental presence go with them” feel empowered. So, like Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker taught Luke about “the force,” we want to teach our children about “parental presence” and how it will follow them to protect, nurture, and guide. How do parents build a sense of presence into their child’s life?
 
First, we hug and hold them. The earliest way a parent becomes present to a child is through bodily touch. So, we hold them, hug them, playfully wrestle and tickle them, and snuggle up on the couch with them. As a child grows, the family shepherd embraces to comfort, gives a high five to celebrate, walks with an arm around a shoulder to encourage, or gives a gentle slap on the back to congratulate. All of this physical touch confirms our presence, our involvement, and our interest in our children’s lives.
 
We also build our presence into our children’s lives by physically stepping into their world of school. We stop at the school now and again, talk to the teachers and coaches, even the principals. When children see us at school and know that we know teachers and counselors at the school, they become more invested in doing well. They think twice about their own behavior because of the relationship “mom and dad” have with the staff. Besides, you never know when mom and dad might just show up. (Click picture to see video about parental involvement in school from Connect with Kids.)
 
Take the time to step into their world of technology as well.   Friend your child on Facebook and make that “friendship” a prerequisite for their Facebook page. I’m not saying to spy on your child’s every move, but casually follow them on your own Facebook page and check out their page now and again. This will help you monitor your child’s safety and appropriateness in the public domains. You can assure that your child does not post information that is too personal or revealing (such as phone numbers or addresses) as well as nipping any potential cyber-bullying in the bud. Learn to text and send your children a text message once in a while. They’ll think you’re a little “weird,” but they’ll know that you are thinking of them and they’ll feel your presence. Keep the phones out of the bedroom after bedtime and in a common area for charging. Too often children and teens stay up throughout the night texting rather than getting their needed sleep. Establish the rule that you can look at their texting history at any time. Children receive inappropriate texts at times–sexting or bullying texts. As family shepherds, we need to monitor this potential to protect our children.
 
Let your children see you stepping into the community. Go to the church your child attends. Attend his concerts and sporting events. Let them see you engaging their friends at these events, congratulating and conversing with them. Get to know their friends when they come to your house. Talk about their interests. Sit in with them while they watch a movie together. Also spend time getting to know the parents of your children’s friends.   Interact with them at various community events and school functions. Who knows, you might even develop some new friends yourself. And, your child learns that you are present in the community around them.
 
You may be thinking, “All of these suggestions are just a regular part of life.” That’s true. However, as a parent, these activities take on new meaning. They play a special role in teaching your child that your presence goes with them. That wherever they are, you might show up…or someone you know might show up. This knowledge provides a sense of security and comfort…your presence is there to protect and nurture. It also helps to provide motivation for responsible behavior…your presence goes with them to encourage responsible behavior. Move over Darth Vader, like Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker, we want to teach our children about parental presence and how it will follow them to protect, nurture, and guide. “Take our presence with you.” 
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