Tag Archive for teen

Parenting Lessons From A Washtub Bass

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I’ve always loved music. In my teen years I found the instructions for constructing a washtub bass—very cool. So, I got my family’s old wash tub and drilled a hole in the bottom of it. I turned the tub upside-down and attached an eye bolt into the hole. Next, I cut the handle off an old broom and notched it to so it could rest on the edge of the washtub. washtub bassFinally, I attached a rope from the eye bolt to the top of the broom handle. Voila! I had a washtub bass. I began to play around with it when my parents, hearing the sound, came in to see what was going on. With great pride I revealed my washtub bass. My parents were less than impressed. In fact, they were upset. I had, without their knowledge, ruined the family’s washtub.

I look back on this experience and realize something about adolescence. Adolescence is a time of increased abstract reasoning and emerging conceptual thinking. Teens experience an expanding awareness and a burgeoning of ideas. As a result, they see the world through a new lens, question the status quo, and offer innovative ideas and creative solutions. This creates a wonderful opportunity to cultivate a lifestyle of learning and growing. Daniel Siegel calls this aspect of an adolescent’s ESSENCE their desire for Creative Exploration (Learn more about the ESSENCE of adolescence in The ESSENCE of Adolescence). Unfortunately, teens lack the experience to recognize all the potential dangers and pitfalls of these creative ideas (thus the loss of one broom and one washtub in my teen home).  As parents, we can honor our teens by nurturing their creative exploration and guiding it in a healthy direction. Here are four ideas to help:

  1. Be an example. We are never too old to learn something new, apply creative solutions to old problems, or enjoy a novel adventure. As you learn and grow, share what you learn with your teen. Let your teen witness you living a lifestyle of creative exploration filled with a love of learning and adventure.
  2. Share excitement for your teen’s creative exploration. When your teen bursts with excitement over some new bit of knowledge or experience, share that excitement. Ask questions. Let them teach you about the source of their excitement. Learn from your teen. All of this will encourage them to continue learning.
  3. Take conversation with your teen to a deeper level. Become curious about the inner world of your teen. For instance, ask them what the source of their excitement motivates them to do. Explore how it inspires them and why it creates such passion. Find out what specific aspects they find most exciting. In the process, allow your teen to think and respond differently than you. Let them become passionate and even angry about things that do not create strong emotion in you. In fact, encourage that passion and explore it with them. Make your home a safe space in which you and your teen can really dig into, uncover, and explore ideas, fears, concerns, passions, and joys.
  4. Allow your teen to impact and influence you. Whenever your teen expresses a need, either verbally or nonverbally, respond to that need. If they need a hug, give them a hug. When they need space, give them space. When they need encouragement, encourage. When they express excitement, get excited with them. If they express outrage, allow the outrage and empathize with that outrage. When your teen makes a valid point, acknowledge it. Go a step further and allow your teen’s valid point to change your opinion when appropriate. When your teen makes a good suggestion, follow it. Allow your teen to witness his or her influence on you.

Practice these four ideas to nurture and encourage your teen’s creative exploration to become a lifestyle that will add joy and vitality to your teen’s life for years to come.   As an added bonus, you will add joy to your life. Even better, you will cultivate a deeper relationship with your teen.

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My Teen Hates Me!

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Do you ever get the feeling your teen hates you…that they don’t want you around? You know the scenario: teens don’t smile or interact at home but as soon as they see friends they perk up, smile, and interact with great energy. Or, teens, embarrassed by their parent’s simple remark, roll their eyes and say, “Maw-awm,” in their best agitated tone, “You can leave now!” Such scenarios can make a parent feel unloved. Don’t worry; your Cute Teenage Girl with Serious Expressionteen does love you. But, they are also beginning to develop their own life. They are exploring their independent sense of self in the world. To do so, they push against you (their parent) and become more intensely involved with their peers. They find companionship and support with other teens who are engaged in the same transition and the same struggles as them. Strong connections with other teens provide teens with an accepting environment in which to explore their emerging selves and abilities in the world outside of family. Research even suggests your teens’ positive peer relationships provide the best predictor of well-being and happiness throughout their life. Daniel Siegel refers to our teens’ drive for peer relationships as Social Engagement, a crucial aspect of our adolescents’ ESSENCE (read The ESSENCE of Adolescence and The Emotional Spark of your Adolescent’s ESSENCE for more). Unfortunately, all this can also mean your teens distance themselves from you, their parent. You may feel the distance as a loss or even emptiness at times. It may also increase your anxiety and worry. But, never forget, your teen does still love you. They still need you. They just need growing independence as well. How can you balance your teen’s need for independence with their need to stay connected to you? Try these 6 tips.

  • Pay attention to your teen’s inner life. Don’t get too caught up in their grumpy looks, rolling eyes, and impatient gestures. Instead, get curious about the emotions and thoughts behind these outward signs. Let them engage you in their philosophical discussions and emotional rants. Listen closely and you will learn about their developing inner world of thoughts, values, concerns, fears, and interests.
  • Accept your teen. You may endure ever-changing moods and constantly shifting interests. Accept your teen and their shifts as they explore their emerging self. Encourage. Listen. Support. Express, through words and actions, that you want them to become themselves and achieve their dreams, not your dreams.
  • Provide a safe haven for you teen. Create a home environment in which they feel safe, accepted and loved no matter wat. Let home be a place they can come to let their guard down, talk about anything from homework to their anger at you to the temptations they face at school. Accept the conversations as loving invitations into their private world of developing thoughts and ideas. Make your home a place they can turn to for support, encouragement, and guidance when the risks make them nervous.
  • Trust your teen to manage risk. Teens engage in risky behaviors that stem from their need to explore the world. Allow your teen to step beyond their comfort zone. Even more difficult, allow your teen to step beyond your comfort zone.
  • Focus on connecting with your teen. Connecting is even more important than correcting in many instances. If you take the time to connect with your teen you will find less need to correct. Your teen will also respond to your correction more readily when you have a strong connection with them.
  • Be present with your teens when they encounter difficulties. Don’t try to fix the problem; simply be present with them. Be aware and sensitive to what is happening. Tune in to how the problem is impacting them emotionally, mentally, socially, and even physically. Remain open to how various situations impact your own inner life as well. Engage in a conversation around the emotions, thoughts, and meaning of various difficulties. You might be surprised as a solution naturally arises.

Practice these six tips and you will find your teen feels secure in their relationship with you. Home will become a secure base from which they can go with their peers to safely explore their place in the world away from home and a safe haven to which they can return when difficulties arise. Most important, you will watch your teen will mature in amazing ways.

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The Emotional Spark of Your Adolescent’s ESSENCE

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Daniel Siegel suggests the ESSENCE of adolescence involves an Emotional Spark (the ES in ESSENCE—for an overview of the ESSENCE read The ESSENCE of Adolescence). Teens experience intense emotions sparked by changes occurring in their bodies and their lives. For instance, teens experience changes in their family role and responsibilities. They also begin to face the daunting task of determining the role they will play in the world outside their home. Hormones surge through their bodies resulting in physical changes as well. All these changes can result in self-conscious awareness, stress, and volatile emotions. In addition, teens’ brains are changing. The brain’s reward chemical (dopamine) has a lower baseline in teens. This contributes to your teen’s complaint of boredom. On the other hand, when teens reach a threshold of interest that releases the reward chemical, it releases at a higher rate and provides a greater reward. As a result, teens gravitate toward behaviors that will release dopamine and provide an exhilarating thrill. Unfortunately, some of these behaviors may involve risk. Add to this a teen’s tendency to see only the reward and not the potential risk, not the context or the setting or the values, and you can see how this adds to teen vulnerability. You can also imagine how this creates an emotional spark, an intensity of emotion in teens. They can swing from happy to angry, miserable to ecstatic, boredom to energetic interaction in the blink of an eye. They seek out thrilling adventures and exhilarating activities in life. That, perhaps, is one of the benefits of a teen’s emotional spark. It fills them with energy when they find an activity of interest. It can create a zest for life and drive for the ideal world. It empowers teens to find meaning for their life. In fact, many adults would benefit from creating an emotional spark in their own lives, to find that zest and excitement for the adventure of life.

Since that emotional spark also carries potential risk, teens need their parents to help guide and direct their emotional spark in a positive direction. They need parents to create an environment in which their emotional spark brings about productive results. Parents can help channel a teen’s emotional spark in a creative beneficial direction by:

  1. Silhouette of hiking man jumping over the mountains at sunsetHonor your teen’s emotions by accepting their emotions, especially if you don’t understand them. Become curious about your teen’s emotions. Strive to understand the emotion and the priorities hiding beneath the surface of the emotion. Help your teen label their emotions and clarify the values undergirding those emotions. By doing this, you teach your teen that emotions provide information to consider when choosing an action, but the emotion itself does not drive the action.
  2. Honor your teen’s interests. Observe carefully to learn what sparks your teens’ interests, fuels their excitement, and drives their passion. Guide them to positive outlets for their passions. Introduce them to people and clubs with similar interests. Engage them and their friends in exciting adventures of their choosing.
  3. Develop a rite of passage for your teen. This does not mean forcing them into a 30-day survival test or some other extreme adventure. A rite of passage could be as simple as getting a driver’s license. I took my girls on an overnight back pack trip. My wife took them on a trip to NYC. The important thing is to discover what sparks their interest and find a way to use that interest to mark their move toward maturity. Nothing extreme; just something challenging and memorable that can become a celebration of taking one more step toward maturity.

Practice these three actions to honor your teen’s emotional spark and guide that spark in a productive way.

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The E.S.S.E.N.C.E. of Adolescence

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Daniel Siegel, PhD, talks about the E.S.S.E.N.C.E. of adolescence in his book, Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. He describes how the ESSENCE of the teenage mind presents wonderful opportunities and frightening risks for parent and teen. If Cute Teenage Girl with Serious Expressiona parent tries to stifle, muzzle, or oppose this ESSENCE, the teen may rebel, withdraw, or even experience depression. Instead, parents do well to engage their teen’s ESSENCE and creatively collaborate with their teen to help them harness, guide, and find healthy expression for it. What is the ESSENCE of adolescence? ESSENCE is an acronym that represents four aspects of the teenager’s changing brain. Let me explain.

  • E.S.—Emotional Spark. The reward circuits in a teenager’s brain are undergoing major remodeling. During adolescence, the reward circuits exhibit increased activity that result in teens feeling bored with everyday life while gravitating toward thrilling and exhilarating experiences. In addition, teens are experiencing epic changes in their bodies and relationships as well as their place in their families and their role in the larger world. Is it any wonder teen’s experience intense emotions in the midst of these changes? Moodiness, impulsiveness, and reactivity are not surprising when we realize the intensity of changes occurring on multiple levels in a teen’s life. On the positive side, these changes fill them with a zest for life and a drive to do something new and exciting in the world.
  • S.E.—Social Engagement. Teens exhibit an increased desire for peer relationships. Peers become a driving force in teenagers’ lives. Peer relationships provide mutual support in navigating the multiple changes teen experience in their life. In fact, research suggests positive peer relationships during the teen years are the best predictor of well-being, longevity, and happiness throughout life. Teens also need a strong supportive relationship with their parents. Supportive parents provide structure and encouragement, guidance and love to their teen during this time of transition and change.
  • N.—Novelty. Teens seek out and create novel experiences to satisfy the increased activity of the reward circuits in their brain. They need new and creative ways to engage their parents, stimulate their senses and emotions, spark their thinking, and engage their bodies. As parents, we can work to help them find ways to live passionately and adventurously while teaching them to think through consequences of actions and reducing risk of harm. One way to do this is to engage the teen’s creativity.
  • C. E.—Creative Exploration. Teens grow in their ability to think conceptually and reason abstractly as their brains become more integrated and mature. They reflect more on what they know and believe. As a result, they gain a new, and often ideal, perspective of how to impact the world around them. They ask questions and point out perceived injustices and discrepancies. They also seek out novel solutions for the problems they perceive in their world, their home, and even in their parents. This offers a wonderful opportunity to talk and connect with your teen as you share ideas and perspectives in a calm, non-judgmental discussion.

As you can imagine, each area of the adolescent E.S.S.E.N.C.E. presents challenges, risks, and opportunities. How can we, as parents, meet the challenge of the adolescent E.S.S.E.N.C.E.? How can we increase the opportunities of their E.S.S.E.N.C.E. while decreasing the risk? Those are excellent questions that I hope to explore over the next few weeks.

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Parenting Advice to Parents of Teens…From Teens

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Parenting teens is tough. They often seem to believe they have all the answers. They “know” exactly what they need, exactly how a parent can best parent, and exactly what their parent is doing wrong. Well, I decided to listen in on the vast wisdom of a few teens and learn some of their parenting tips. Actually, they did offer some pretty good advice. So, I’m sharing their advice with you—advice to parents straight from the teen’s mouth.

  • Cute Teenage Girl with Serious Expression“Get a hobby.” Healthy teens are moving toward independence. They want to establish their own identity, to individuate and become their “own person.” So, they begin to spend more time with friends and less time with parents. The joy of having a parent by their side now becomes the annoyance of “my parent, the stalker.” Don’t misunderstand this advice. Teens still need parents. Even more surprising, teens want their parents to remain available and attentive to their needs. They need a safety net only their parents can provide. Remain available to your teen. Let your teen know you are available. Talk with them. But “get a hobby.” Do not make them the sole focus of your life. Invest in your own interests and friends. Have fun with other adults.
  • “Quit interrogating me.” Many teens have told me they “can’t stand” being asked “a lot of questions.” They don’t want to walk through the door into a barrage of questions: “How are you? Where did you go? What did you do? How was school? Did you remember to put gas in the car? How come you look unhappy? Are you OK? What’s wrong?” Quit asking so many questions and simply greet your teens when they come home. Ask one, maybe two questions. Tell them about your Give them space and allow for some silence. Develop the conversation of friendship with your teen—one which involves both people sharing information about themselves and their day. Honor your teen by trusting them to reveal information to you in their time and in their way while you simply keep the door open.
  • “Let me be me.” Too many teens feel compared to a parent, brother, sister, neighbor, or “me when I was your age….” Comparisons leave us, and our teens, feeling unaccepted or “not good enough.” In response, our teen might just give up and say, “Nothing I do is good enough anyway.” Comparisons hinder our teens’ self-esteem. Instead of making comparisons, simply acknowledge what your teens do. Accept their level of ability, acknowledge their interests, and praise their efforts to improve. You will watch your teen grow in maturity as a result.
  • “It’s my life. Let me make my own mistakes.” Of course we do not want our teen to make a life threatening mistake. However, most mistakes are more of an inconvenience than a true threat. Teens learn from their mistakes, just like we did. So, let your teen make some mistakes. Keep the lines of communication open so you can warn them of the dangers. Remain available to offer guidance. Rather than telling them “I told you so,” show empathy for the discomfort and negative results your teens experience when they make the poor choice. Doing so will allow your teen to learn from that mistake…just like you and I did.
  • “Life with you is boring.” The teen brain is undergoing a whole remodeling. During remodeling, teens’ “reward center” operates differently. They need a greater thrill, a bigger risk, to activate the reward center. But, when it is activated, they experience a greater rush, a bigger thrill, and are ready to do it again. In other words, what excites you and I will often bore our teen. So, they seek the next thrill; and when they find that thrill they get a rush of chemicals in their brain’s reward center. We don’t want that thrill to be life threatening or dangerous. Taking the time to know your teen is a healthy practice to help you manage their risky behavior. Take time to discover your teens’ likes and interests. Gently guide them toward taking healthy risks based on their interests. Help them learn how to find that rush of excitement while remaining safe.

Believe me, teens have a lot more to say about parenting, but I didn’t want to overwhelm anybody. Just let these 5 pieces of teen parenting advice sink in and maybe we can learn more “teen wisdom” in the future.

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Bridge the Communication Gap with Your Teen (& Just About Anyone Else)

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Sometimes teens are hard to talk to. Let’s be real…sometimes spouses, children, and even parents are hard to talk to. If I’m honest, I have to admit that sometimes I am hard to talk to. I have discovered a tool to improve communications—a tool to help bridge the communication gap, slow the communication roller coaster, and create better communications with our teens (and any other family member really). We accomplish this amazing feat through validation. That’s right…validation. Recognizing and accepting our teen’s experience as valid, even if we disagree with it, can build better communication. When we accept our teen’s feelings as reasonable, given their understanding and perspective of the situation, we will build more intimate communication with them. Validation builds a bridge to better communication on the pillars of:


·     Acceptance. We all desire acceptance. When we validate our teen’s emotional experiences, we communicate acceptance of them, even in the midst of emotional pain or physical changes. This acceptance informs them that they belong…we accept them, differences and all.    


·     Value. Validation not only expresses acceptance, it communicates how much we value our teen, their perspective, their thoughts, and their feelings.


·     Respect. Accepting and valuing our teen’s perspective expresses respect. We all desire respect. We all respond better to those who treat us with respect.


·     Honesty. Acceptance, value, and respect open the door for honest communication. Honest communication, premised on acceptance and respect, allows for more open discussion of differences and an earnest seeking for a healthy, respectful solution. 


·     Calming one another. When we know a person recognizes, understands, and accepts our emotions and struggles, we feel calmer. The same is true for our teens. The feeling of being understood will help calm them and help them learn to manage their emotions. It also opens the door for more communication and problem-solving.


·     Identity. Acknowledging and accepting our teens’ emotions allows them the freedom to explore their identity based on the values of acceptance, respect, and honesty. Validation means your teen will not have to argue to prove their point, put up defenses to save face, or disagree to assert their independence. Instead, they can use that same energy to explore their values and identity.

  By validating your teen you build a secure bridge to better communication on the secure pillars noted above. That’s all well and good…but how do I validate my teen?


·     First, listen. Let your teen complete their story. Let them finish so you have all the information. Listen so you can understand their perspective.


·     Second, let them know you get it…you understand what happened from their perspective (even if you disagree). Strive to understand so well that their actions make sense based on their level of maturity, the knowledge they have acquired, and the perspective they have.


·     Third, let them know you understand how they feel. Combine the second and third step into a statement of your understanding of what happened and how it made them feel…from their perspective. Keep listening until you can make that statement and they respond with something like “Finally, you understand.”


·     Fourth, based on their perspective and what they told you, let them know that their emotions make sense. This means really working to see things through their eyes.


·     Fifth, empathize with their emotions.


·     Finally, problem-solve with them if they want help with a solution.

Validation will build a strong bridge of communication built on honesty, respect, and acceptance. It will bridge the communication gap with your teen…and just about anyone else in the family as well.

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12 Roadblocks to Communicating With Your Teen

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Parents want to talk with their teens but teens are often hesitant to approach their parents. Part of our teens’ hesitancy may stem from responses they have received from us, their parents, in the past. Perhaps past responses have communicated a lack of trust or acceptance. Maybe they felt blamed by us or made to feel wrong by our response. I’m sure we, as parents, do not intend to send those messages; but we do, even if we do so unintentionally. And, those subtle, unintentional messages put up roadblocks to communication. They close the bridge to intimacy with our teen. I want to warn you about 12 such communication roadblocks that Thomas Gordon identified. Once you know them, you can work to avoid them…and increase the communication with your teen. Here they are:

      ·    Excessive commands and directives communicate a lack of trust in our teen and a disbelief in their ability to do what is right or needed at the moment.


·    Constantly warning and threatening our teen with consequences builds a wall of fear between us and them. When we warn and threaten our teens, we build resentment and invite our teen to test the real bite (the truth) of the warning or threat.


·    Moralizing and lecturing often increases feelings of guilt in a teen—a sense that he is “bad.” Communicating in this way often leads to rebellion against the “shoulds,” “oughts,” and “musts” that parents generously sow throughout the moralizing lecture.


·    Giving solutions and unsolicited advice sends the message that we have no confidence in our teen’s judgment or ability to find a solution independently. If teens “buy” the message about their lack of ability to solve problems on their own, they may become overly dependent on others.


·    Giving logical arguments can backfire, sending the message that we believe our teen “doesn’t know anything.” Constantly giving logical arguments makes our teen think we consider them stupid, inadequate, or inferior. And, a teen may go to drastic measures just to prove the argument wrong and so prove his point.


·    Criticizing (judging) and blaming makes a teen feel inferior, unworthy, devalued, and bad. Critical, blaming statements evoke counter-criticisms from teens in an effort to save face. Criticize, judge, or blame and welcome an argument. 


·    Praising can have several negative effects. Check out How to Ruin Your Child with Praise to see some of these negative effects.


·    Name-calling, ridicule and shame all have a devastating effect on any teen’s self-image.


·    Analyzing and diagnosing (i.e., telling a teen what their motive or feeling is) sends the message that “I know you better than you know yourself. If you disagree, you are wrong.” This intrusive communication style only leaves one way for a teen to become their own person—rebel!


·    Reassuring and consoling discounts your teen’s emotions and sends a message of our own discomfort with difficult emotions. It informs our teens that our emotional comfort is more important than accepting their emotional struggle and connecting with them in that struggle.


·    Questioning and interrogating…who likes to be interrogated? Many teens shut down in response to what they perceive as too many questions. Try sitting with a little silence and allow your teen time to talk.


·    Distracting and diverting can make teens feel like you are minimizing their pain, excitement, concerns, or joys. They feel unheard and devalued.

 When parents consistently respond to their teen in these 12 ways, walls arise, roadblocks get put in place, communication suffers, and intimacy falters. You might be asking, “If these 12 things block communication, what can I do to enhance communication?” I’m glad you asked! To enhance communication, use “simple door-openers.” Respond with statements that open the door to more communication…statements like “really,” “That’s interesting,” “Hmmmm.” These “simple door-openers” reveal your interest in and acceptance of what your teen is saying. They focus on your teen’s ideas, feelings, and judgments rather than your own (See 5 Ways to Look out for Number 1). That paves the way for conversation, bridges the communication gap, and creates intimate relationships!

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5 Ways to Check the Teen Attitude at the Door

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If you have a pre-teen or teen, you have probably encountered “the attitude.” I can imagine all those who have a teen nodding their head in agreement as you recall the condescending stare, rolling eyes, exasperating sigh, impatient shifting of weight, and sarcastic tone of voice. If you are like me, just thinking about it raises your blood pressure. As hard as it is to believe, this new “attitude” does mean that your child is reaching a new level of maturity and independence…and that’s a positive thing. The “teen attitude” is often an attempt to assert some independence from the parental control they experienced and needed as a child. However, their brains are still not fully developed. The emotional networks of their brain are more developed than the planning networks of their brain. As a result, their words come out laced with sarcasm and anger while revealing little forethought into whether this helps or hinders them reaching their goal. Sarcasm, by the way, also shows growing mental ability. They have matured to the level of knowing that tone impacts the subtle meaning of what is said, expressing a “double meaning.” They have not learned how to plan ahead in using that new understanding, but…. (Sarcasm, a new mental skill…woohoo, let’s celebrate.)

In their growing desire to become “their own person,” our teens want to know how everything will affect them. They have also learned how to look at the world through someone else’s eyes. Combine perspective taking (a fairly new ability for pre-teens), wanting to know how everything affects me, a well-developed emotional brain, and an underdeveloped planning brain…and you get a teen overly concerned with every little blemish or misplaced hair.  This translates into “attitude,” complaining about appearance, getting overly upset about seemingly small issues, thinking the world revolves around their schedule…you know the drill.

Even though a teen attitude is a normal part of their development, we still want to help them grow beyond that attitude. We still want to help them learn to use their planning brain, to shift concern from themselves to others, and to speak respectfully. Understanding some of the origins of their “attitude” merely helps us not take it personal, remain calm (rather than throttle them as they roll their eyes), and discipline with love. With that in mind, here are 5 ways to help your teen mature, in spite of their attitude.


1.   Talk to your teen when they show their “attitude.” Don’t get an attitude back. Take a deep breath and respond with love. Ask them what is going on in their life. Sometimes an attitude flows out of frustration over problems at school, hurt feelings in peer relationships, or fear about some future event. Sometimes all we need to do to lose the attitude is listen…listen well.


2.   When possible, ignore the attitude…especially when your teen still follows through with your requests and rules. Realize that some attitude is normal and even beneficial in helping your teen establish healthy independence. Knowing this, don’t respond to them when they approach you with an attitude. As you ignore the attitude, your teen will learn that they do not get what they want when they ask with “attitude.” ignore the evil eye, the rolling eye, the exasperated sigh…realize that these too shall pass.  


3.   If your teen’s attitude turns to name-calling, defiance, or disrespect, discipline. Attitude is fleeting, disrespect needs adjusting. Be prepared to discipline. Know the natural consequences and calmly discipline in response to disrespect and defiance. Stand strong to say, “No, I don’t want to lend my car to someone who treats me so disrespectfully.” Or, “No, I won’t give you money for the movie because you didn’t do the chores you said you would do.”


4.   Point out sarcasm when it occurs and explain how sarcasm affects the person hearing it…like you. Encourage them to say what they feel and want directly, politely, and without sarcasm. Even if they don’t get what they want, the discussion will still prove more satisfying for both parties involved. Oh…and watch your own sarcasm. It is hard to end sarcasm in your teen if they hear it from you all the time!


5.   Avoid being all things to your teen. You do not have to serve as cook, chauffer, bank, tutor, clothes washer, secretary, water bottle washer, alarm clock, and schedule manager for your teen. Sure, you will help in all these areas, but teach your teen to do these tasks independently as well. Doing so will strengthen that planning brain. Put them in charge of some meaningful household chores to teach them that they have a role in keeping “our home” running smoothly.


5 tips to help deal with the teen attitude. If you’d like more information on the teen brain, check out A Parent’s Guide to the Teen Brain. And, keep reading our blog for more ideas.

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My Life Is About To Change

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Please, allow me a slight digression from my usual blog. This is a transitional week for my family…my life is about to change! Yes, the time has come for my oldest daughter to graduate from high school. We are very proud of her. She is bright and intelligent, a lovely person and a talented musician. She has been accepted to college and, when she leaves home this fall, will major in piano performance. You can listen to her playing a classical piece (The Revolutionary Etude) by clicking here and a song she wrote using the poem Annabelle Lee by clicking here. She dreams of playing in an orchestra for Hans Zimmer. Did I mention…we are very proud of her. Still, so many thoughts go through my mind as I prepare to “launch” my child into the world. I have to remind myself that she is moving into adulthood and making her own decisions now. And, she has shown us that she will make good decisions. Still, there is one word of advice I think important for her (and all those graduating from high school) as she prepares to build her life in the world. It is the same message that Jesus taught Mary and Martha during His life on earth. Perhaps you remember…Jesus came to their house for dinner. Martha was “distracted” with everything that had to get done. She became annoyed with Mary who just sat at Jesus’ feet, listening to what He said. Finally, in frustration she asked Jesus, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?” I love Jesus’ response: “Martha, you are worried and bothered by so many things; but only one thing is necessary…!”
 
As you go off to college (or high school or work or hobbies) many things will try to pull you away from the “only thing necessary.” Good people and good opportunities, great employment opportunities and even ministry opportunities can distract you from the “only thing necessary.” Negative influences and negative experiences will threaten to distract you from the “only thing necessary.” Don’t let them. Keep your heart and mind focused on the “only thing necessary.” You can still practice the instrument (or art or vocation) you love. In fact, you can practice that instrument, grow in that interest, or master that vocation with “the only thing necessary” in the forefront of your mind. As you go through the next several years, you will find things that do not make sense. You will feel overwhelmed. You will wonder why you have to keep that “only thing necessary” as a priority in your life. That’s OK; keep that “only thing necessary” in the forefront of your mind anyway. You will discover that those things that don’t make sense or make you wonder will often “fall into place” as you trust and obey that “only thing necessary.”
 
You have probably figured out what that “only thing necessary” is, but let me clarify. The “only thing necessary” is what Mary chose…sitting at Jesus’ feet, listening to Him. Remember, after all is said and done, the “only thing necessary” is your relationship with Jesus Christ. That “only thing necessary” has eternal import. Pursue that relationship with Jesus (“the only thing necessary”) with all the vigor of pursuing a new love…or a new Rachmaninoff Prelude or a Chopin etude. No, pursue your relationship with Jesus with even more vigor than that! After all, “only one thing is necessary…and it will not be taken away…,” ever!
Posted in Celebration, Family Shepherds, Honor tagged with , , , , ,

5 Ways to Help Your Teen Build Identity

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The teen years are full of exploration and questions. Most likely, your teens will even engage you in “discussions” about the answers to those questions. You will watch, listen, and discuss questions like: What values do I believe? What career will I pursue? What lifestyle will I live? What kind of person do I want others to see in me? What is my purpose in life? What kind of person might I want to marry? Do I want to marry? In the process of answering these questions, teens may argue with parents and teachers (maybe even rebel), withdraw from family and spend more time with friends, “push the limits,” question family standards, experiment with different lifestyles and ideas. As any parent knows, it’s not just the teen who experiences difficulties during this time. Parents also struggle during their child’s adolescence (And can learn to love more). How can a parent journey through the teen years and maintain a loving relationship with their teen? Here are 5 tips to help.
     ·         The journey through the teen years begins with preparation. One wise writer suggests that parents “train up a child in way he should go, and even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Solomon, Proverbs 22:6). This author tells parents to encourage, nurture, and bring out their children’s inherent personality and natural abilities—“the way he should go.” When your children are young, pay attention to their interests and strengths. Provide opportunities for them to pursue their interests and practice their strengths. Acknowledge their interests and strengths with recognition, specific praise, and even detailed discussions about them. Express value in those interests and strengths. Notice that this takes time! You have to spend time engaged in a variety of activities in order to discover their interests and strengths, and, even more time to nurture those interests and strengths.

·         Encourage your teen’s self-discovery. This will also take time…time to engage in activities and conversation. When your teen asks questions, take the time to discuss the question and answer. Realize that teens are thinking and processing many ideas and values that they hear in the world around them. With that in mind, do not try to force an idea into their mind. Instead, discuss it. Allow them to disagree and encourage them to think. Let them know your strong beliefs, but realize your beliefs are the result of thought and experience. Allow them the freedom to think and experience as well. Value them enough to allow disagreement and trust them enough to believe they will reach healthy mature conclusions…then lovingly, gently, and patiently guide them toward those conclusions.

·         Enjoy your teen’s uniqueness…even more, value their uniqueness. Recognize that they may have different talents and interests than you do. Enjoy those differences. Relish in their uniqueness. Realize that those unique talents, interests, and dreams make them uniquely qualified to accomplish God’s purpose for them. Verbally admire their uniqueness. A great way to honor their uniqueness is with the compliment of accepting their expertise in areas of their interests.

·         Set loving limits for your teen. I know…teens are still teens. They still need limits. They do not have the experience to “do whatever they want.” They have not gained the mental, emotional, and experiential knowledge necessary to make every decision independently. And, they still live with you. So, set loving limits. Remember, however, that the limits you set are your limits on the behavior you will accept. Talk to them about why you believe those limits are effective and how they express love. Discuss their thoughts about the limits and listen to their perspective. When realistic you might even “give in a little.” Such loving discussion of limits and values will go a long way helping your teen develop their firm identity of character.

·         Be patient and constantly express love. Navigating the teen years is an adventure, a journey…and it will have plenty of difficult moments to mark the way. You will also find many joyous occasions and intimate moments that brighten the path of adolescence. Think back to your own teen years. Recall some of the silly (even dangerous or crazy) things you did. Remember, you survived. Today, you may look back on some of those events with humor or pride. When your teen does something that seems “kind of crazy,” be patient. Hold on for the ride. Work to keep lines of communication open. One of the best ways to do that is express love. Constantly find ways to express your love for your teen. Express love through your words, your respect, your hugs, your recognition, thoughtful gifts, time together, acts of service, or even a simple smile and acknowledgement of pride in them.
 
The teen years are full of adventure…and adventures have both scary moments and moments filled with joyful excitement. Enjoy them both. Fill the journey with times of joy and stuff it full of fun. Let your teen know that no matter what happens, you still love them. Soon, the teen years will end and your teen will be on their way. You will reshape your relationship with them into one involving two adults…and retell those teen adventures with misty-eyed pride.
Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , , , ,
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