Ah…the experience of joy on the first day of kindergarten. I never really understood the parental struggle mixed with pride and joy when “letting go” of children until I dropped mine off for their first days of school. It was the first of many leaps that culminated in dropping them off at college or watching them walk the aisle with their spouse. Still, that first day of kindergarten was a “big little leap” for parent and child. Interesting, research finds that the more successfully a child makes the “leap” (AKA—transitions) into kindergarten (over a 10–14-week period) the higher they score on academic and social-behavioral skills tests at the end of that school year. That doesn’t surprise me. Transitioning easily leaves more time and more mental and emotional space to learn. The real question becomes: how can a parent prepare their children to successfully make that “big little leap” and all the other leaps (AKA-transitions) of life?
The answer to that question does not rest on academic or cognitive training but on relationship security. Children and parents will make the “big little leap” and other life “leaps” more successfully when they have experienced, and continue to experience, secure relationships at home. Having a secure relationship with our children helps them answer a couple of important questions. One question is: “Will you, as my parents, be there for me? Are you available?” A second question asks, “Do you think I’m capable? Am I capable?”
These two questions get answered in the everyday interaction of a parent and child. It begins as our children explore the world around them. As newborns, they simply want us to notice what they notice and match their curiosity with our own, reflecting back to them what they see in an ever-expanding way. “Oh, you see the squirrel. He’s fast isn’t he? Watch how he runs with that acorn in his mouth.” “Here comes the dog. He wants you to pet him. Gentle….” We join them in their experience and expand upon it somewhat, encouraging them to explore more deeply.
As they grow and become increasingly independent, they need us to allow them the freedom to explore in a more independent fashion. While they do, they need us to delight in their exploration by noticing what they notice and becoming excited and curious about things that arouse their curiosity. They need us to allow them the freedom to explore independently rather than hover in an overprotective way.
During their independent exploration, our children may experience times of stress and look to us for assurance. At those times, they need us to look at them with delight and confidence as they prepare for their “new venture.” For instance, the first time our child approaches a slide in the park they may look up the ladder and experience nervousness and doubt. They look to us to see our response. If we look with delight and confidence, they are empowered. They climb the ladder and “enjoy the ride.” However, if we look distressed or concerned for some reason, they will likely forego the slide and come to our side to confirm their own security.
This scenario will happen time and time again in all types of situations, like setting the table, joining a group, playing a game, getting on a slide, riding a bike, and so on. Each time, they find the answer to their questions: “Are you available to me?” and “Am I capable?” Each time these questions are answered in a positive way, security is enhanced. They being to internalize important messages:
- My parents are available to help me and so there are helpers in the world.
- I can manage my emotions whether they be joy or sorrow, courage or fear, and if I struggle, there are supports to help me.
- I can take appropriate risks. I know my limitations and how to risk in a healthy way.
- I am safe.
With these beliefs in place, the “big little leap” has a greater chance of success and just adds another layer of support for those beliefs. In fact, with each leap, parent and child grow more confident and trusting of one another. With that confidence comes greater joy and greater success. Isn’t that what we want for our children? Sure, letting go is hard…but watching them grow into amazing young adults is well worth the “leap.”
oldest daughter to graduate from high school. We are very proud of her. She is bright and intelligent, a lovely person and a talented musician. She has been accepted to college and, when she leaves home this fall, will major in piano performance. You can listen to her playing a classical piece (The Revolutionary Etude) by 
ngs will try to pull you away from the “only thing necessary.” Good people and good opportunities, great employment opportunities and even ministry opportunities can distract you from the “only thing necessary.” Negative influences and negative experiences will threaten to distract you from the “only thing necessary.” Don’t let them. Keep your heart and mind focused on the “only thing necessary.” You can still practice the instrument (or art or vocation) you love. In fact, you can practice that instrument, grow in that interest, or master that vocation with “the only thing necessary” in the forefront of your mind. As you go through the next several years, you will find things that do not make sense. You will feel overwhelmed. You will wonder why you have to keep that “only thing necessary” as a priority in your life. That’s OK; keep that “only thing necessary” in the forefront of your mind anyway. You will discover that those things that don’t make sense or make you wonder will often “fall into place” as you trust and obey that “only thing necessary.” 
existed and would avoid if possible, even though they contribute to our life. Parenting involves some dirty jobs—jobs like changing diapers after an “especially explosive episode” or cleaning a toddler after he eats his first cupcake. I recall a particularly dirty episode in parenting my daughter. I was holding my daughter over my head, pretending to make her fly, when she threw up…right into my open mouth. These are dirty jobs. There is one parenting job, however, that will most likely not make the “Dirty Job” cut. This dirty job may well be the most difficult and arduous job of all. I am talking about the job of letting our children go. It begins early in life, as early as their first steps. Remember when you started to help your 3-year-old zip up their coat and they looked you straight in the eye to say, “I do!” Your child was telling you to “let go” even then. The steps we take in the process of letting go only grow larger as our children get older. From watching our children leave our side to attend first grade…to trusting them to resolve simple conflicts without our input… to dropping them off at college, letting go grows more demanding as our children mature. 
When their independent decision seems contrary to our individual goals, we may unjustifiably become upset. When they decide to pursue some career outside of our dream for them, we mistakenly question their independent wisdom. When they want to go out with friends rather than us, we wrongly perceive it as personal rejection. Perhaps most difficult of all, when we see their independent decisions leading to simple, but painful, consequences, we jump in to save them, rather than trust them to learn, from their mistakes. This “letting go” really is a “dirty job;” but, there are some basic skills that can help make it a little easier. 
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early, earlier than most of us really like. And, “letting go” is usually initiated by our children. They initiate it by running off to play with friends at the playground rather than letting us push them on the swing…or, listening to their 3rd grade soccer coach more than they listen us, even though the coach says the same thing we do. These periods of “letting go” expand to include weeks away at camp, long secretive phone calls with friends, going out on dates with people we have minimal knowledge about, gaining a driver’s license…all steps in letting go and learning to accept a little “separation anxiety.” Throughout this process, a successful parent moves from control to influence in their child’s life. Rather than forcing our children to do things our way, we slowly learn to loosen our grip and trust that they will follow the principles we have taught them. Rather than abandoning them to their mistakes because “they are leaving us,” we support them and offer loving influence and encouragement while they make their choices. We surrender control over our children’s lives and give away any control over how they use the gifts we have given them—the gifts of our time, energy, emotional involvement, and wisdom…our life itself. We trust them to make good use of those gifts. We pray that God will guide them in using those gifts wisely. 
this effort from parents, I’ve never heard an infant tell his mother, “I see you’re busy with dinner, Mom. Don’t worry about my bottle. I’m hungry, but I’ll wait until your done cooking dinner to eat.” No, he just cries for his bottle. He is powerless to care for himself; and self-focused in his desire to get what he needs when he wants it. His problem (whether it be hunger or a soiled diaper) is your problem. If you don’t believe me, sit in the car with a hungry infant for a while. 
child provoke him to action or control his actions. When a parent does not give in to a child’s tantrum or demanding behavior, he models independence and self-control. When a parent does not jump into a power struggle with a child, he models strength and self-control. As a parent, model independence, an ability to manage emotions, behaviors, and decision making.