Tag Archive for respect

4 Tools for a Happy Marriage

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Did you know you possess a “mini-toolkit” for building a happy marriage? You received it free of charge a long time ago. The tools in this kit may have sat dormant for years, but each one can help your marriage grow. When you start to effectively use these tools, you will build years of security, intimacy, and joy into your marriage. Review them carefully and use them often.

  • Dancing CoupleRespectful words tighten up loose connections with your spouse. Polite saying like “thank you,” “please,” and “I’m sorry” will bring a level of closeness to your marriage you never imagined possible. Add in respectful actions like holding a door open for your spouse, accepting your spouse’s opinion, or speaking well of your spouse in public will bring even tighter connections.
  • Forgiveness, on the other hand, loosens bolts of resentment. Every spouse needs to practice forgiveness to let go of the hurt of accidental miscommunications and misunderstandings, statements made in anger, and insensitive actions. The wrench of forgiveness has freed many a marriage from the rusted “bolt-grip” of resentment and anger. Use this tool often.
  • Active involvement allows each spouse to drill into “the thick of things” and fully participate in a growing marriage. Your active involvement in your relationship will help you know your spouse more intimately and enable you to show your spouse the depth of your love. No one wants a giant paperweight, a slug, for a spouse. We want a spouse who jumps in, gets involved, participates in decisions, and helps with the tasks of growing a marriage and family. Pull out that drill and drill into “the thick” of your relationship.
  • Blessings act like a vice to secure your individual lives into an intimate bond. When you bless instead of curse your spouse’s heart will soften. You will experience a growing intimacy in response to blessing. You can bless your spouse with compliments, encouraging words, gratitude, and affirmations. Each time you offer a blessing, you strengthen the intimacy of your relationship.

 

These four tools—respect, forgiveness, involvement, and blessing–will tighten connections, loosen resentments, reveal deeper love, and strengthen secure intimacy in your marriage. The greatest news—you already possess each of these tools. All you have to do is start using them. So, pull out that toolkit and start working on your relationship today!

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Family Honor & Respect in a Card Trick

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Did you ever see “The Colour Changing Card Trick” on YouTube?  It is a cool card trick…and so much more. In fact, the “so much more” makes the trick astounding and teaches us an important lesson about family. Take a short 2 minutes and 43 seconds to watch “The Colour Changing Card Trick” in the video below. You won’t be disappointed. Then read what this trick taught me about family.

People learn and grow; they mature and change. More to the point, your spouse, children, and parents learn and grow. They mature and change.  Taking the time to recognize and acknowledge how they learn, grow, and change honors them. Adjusting our response in accordance with their growth also honors them and communicates respect for them. Unfortunately, we often miss the real changes, the significant growth, because we focus on some small aspect of their life or behavior that has irritated us. We focus on the “cards” and miss the all the changing shirts, table cloths, and back drops. Let me give some examples.

  • We recall the time a family member was late in picking us up and tell that story for years, but never acknowledge how many times they were there for us when we needed them…or how they have grown more responsible over the years.
  • We focus on a family member’s angry reaction to some pet peeve and neglect to recognize how patient they have become in the last year or how patient they have always been in so many other areas.
  • We constantly talk about our children’s messy room while ignoring how well they clean their dishes, the car they drive, or the desk they study at.
  • We bring up the time a family member said something obviously wrong (“Is this chicken…or is this fish? I know its tuna, but it says ‘Chicken of the Sea.’) while neglecting to acknowledge how intelligent they are and how much more knowledgeable they have grown.

I’m not saying we need to let inappropriate behavior run amok in our families. Inappropriate behavior needs addressed. But, we show respect and honor when we recognize how our family members have changed and matured. Take a look at the “big picture,” the whole picture. Notice the changes your spouse and children have made. Admire their maturing character. Acknowledge new behaviors and attitudes they have developed in response to lessons learned. Notice the changing colors of their life as it grows ever more mature. It’s a great way to show honor and respect.

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Step Back Momma Bear

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You see your child and another child fighting over a toy. What’s a parent to do?

Your teen daughter comes home talking about an altercation with one of her friends. Should you step in and mediate?

Your son starts off playing with another boy but you see it slowly escalate into aggressive wrestling and even some fighting. Does the parent need to intervene to stop the fighting?

 

Does your “Mamma Bear” or “Papa Wolf” jump up to protect your child in the scenarios brown bear - femaleabove? I can feel my protective tendency rising up. But, let me suggest that sometimes the best approach to such situations involves “nonintervention.” That’s right. Nonintervention is an effective tool to use in parenting. Of course a parent must practice wisdom when using nonintervention. Specifically:

  • A parent needs to know his children well enough to anticipate when and where a conflict may get out of control or become dangerous. We don’t want any child to get hurt. So, plan to step in if you see the potential for someone to get hurt.
  • A parent must remain observant of his children and any conflict that arises so he can assess if and when he does need to step in to mediate. Times will arise when a parent will need to step in to mediate, teach, and facilitate a resolution.
  • A parent also needs to focus on teaching the importance of relationship and the corresponding respect for others. Our children learn this in our daily interactions and conversations with them. They learn it by observing our actions and listening to how we talk to others. When they see us valuing relationships and showing respect to others, they will more likely do the same.
  • A parent must model healthy anger management and conflict resolution skills in relation to their spouse, friends, and children. Once again, children learn the most by watching how we act and what we say in relation to them and others.

 

Keep those four caveats in mind and nonintervention will prove itself a very effective parenting tool. As children work out their own disagreements and conflicts, they will learn how to manage contentious relationships. They will gain the strength to handle quarrels graciously. They will increase their ability to endure in healthy relationships, even in the midst of inevitable conflict. Learning to resolve differences independently will allow children to learn the art of compromise, to seek the greater good of community, and to respect one another in spite of transitory antagonism. Resolving conflict independent of adult intervention teaches our children that relationships can grow stronger through times of strife and disagreement. They will discover that community brings pleasure and pain. Perhaps more important, they will learn that pain, like pleasure, can produce intimacy when managed properly. So, take a step back Momma Bear. Slow down Papa Wolf. Give your kids a little time and space to work things out on their own. You might be pleasantly surprised with their creative resolution and their growing maturity!

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Parenting Advice to Parents of Teens…From Teens

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Parenting teens is tough. They often seem to believe they have all the answers. They “know” exactly what they need, exactly how a parent can best parent, and exactly what their parent is doing wrong. Well, I decided to listen in on the vast wisdom of a few teens and learn some of their parenting tips. Actually, they did offer some pretty good advice. So, I’m sharing their advice with you—advice to parents straight from the teen’s mouth.

  • Cute Teenage Girl with Serious Expression“Get a hobby.” Healthy teens are moving toward independence. They want to establish their own identity, to individuate and become their “own person.” So, they begin to spend more time with friends and less time with parents. The joy of having a parent by their side now becomes the annoyance of “my parent, the stalker.” Don’t misunderstand this advice. Teens still need parents. Even more surprising, teens want their parents to remain available and attentive to their needs. They need a safety net only their parents can provide. Remain available to your teen. Let your teen know you are available. Talk with them. But “get a hobby.” Do not make them the sole focus of your life. Invest in your own interests and friends. Have fun with other adults.
  • “Quit interrogating me.” Many teens have told me they “can’t stand” being asked “a lot of questions.” They don’t want to walk through the door into a barrage of questions: “How are you? Where did you go? What did you do? How was school? Did you remember to put gas in the car? How come you look unhappy? Are you OK? What’s wrong?” Quit asking so many questions and simply greet your teens when they come home. Ask one, maybe two questions. Tell them about your Give them space and allow for some silence. Develop the conversation of friendship with your teen—one which involves both people sharing information about themselves and their day. Honor your teen by trusting them to reveal information to you in their time and in their way while you simply keep the door open.
  • “Let me be me.” Too many teens feel compared to a parent, brother, sister, neighbor, or “me when I was your age….” Comparisons leave us, and our teens, feeling unaccepted or “not good enough.” In response, our teen might just give up and say, “Nothing I do is good enough anyway.” Comparisons hinder our teens’ self-esteem. Instead of making comparisons, simply acknowledge what your teens do. Accept their level of ability, acknowledge their interests, and praise their efforts to improve. You will watch your teen grow in maturity as a result.
  • “It’s my life. Let me make my own mistakes.” Of course we do not want our teen to make a life threatening mistake. However, most mistakes are more of an inconvenience than a true threat. Teens learn from their mistakes, just like we did. So, let your teen make some mistakes. Keep the lines of communication open so you can warn them of the dangers. Remain available to offer guidance. Rather than telling them “I told you so,” show empathy for the discomfort and negative results your teens experience when they make the poor choice. Doing so will allow your teen to learn from that mistake…just like you and I did.
  • “Life with you is boring.” The teen brain is undergoing a whole remodeling. During remodeling, teens’ “reward center” operates differently. They need a greater thrill, a bigger risk, to activate the reward center. But, when it is activated, they experience a greater rush, a bigger thrill, and are ready to do it again. In other words, what excites you and I will often bore our teen. So, they seek the next thrill; and when they find that thrill they get a rush of chemicals in their brain’s reward center. We don’t want that thrill to be life threatening or dangerous. Taking the time to know your teen is a healthy practice to help you manage their risky behavior. Take time to discover your teens’ likes and interests. Gently guide them toward taking healthy risks based on their interests. Help them learn how to find that rush of excitement while remaining safe.

Believe me, teens have a lot more to say about parenting, but I didn’t want to overwhelm anybody. Just let these 5 pieces of teen parenting advice sink in and maybe we can learn more “teen wisdom” in the future.

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We’re Drowning Our Kids

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A paper published by the Making Caring Common Project reports that 48% of the 10,000 students they surveyed ranked achievement as their top priority, 30% ranked happiness as their top priority, and only 22% ranked caring as their top priority. A full 78% ranked personal achievement or personal happiness above caring! In addition, 60% rescuerthought hard-work more important than kindness. Don’t get me wrong, achievement and hard work are important. But, do we want to raise a generation of people who place achievement and hard work above kindness and caring? Such a generation would agree with this statement taken from the study: “I’m prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.” Such a generation will exhibit less empathy, less willingness to help a person in need, and more willingness to cheat for the good grade or promotion. Even more disturbing, the youth in this study seemed to “value caring for others less as they aged.” The older the youth, the more likely they were to prioritize personal happiness above caring and achievement.

 

How has this happened? How have we created a generation more invested in personal happiness and achievement than in developing a kind and caring reputation? Parents and teachers want to raise a generation of kind caring youth; but, our message seems to have been lost in translation somehow. Perhaps our messages about happiness and achievement have “drowned out the messages about caring, ethical behavior. Instead of a steady stream of messages promoting kindness and caring, we are drowning our kids under a steady stream of messages promoting personal happiness and personal achievement. At times, we may communicate this message unknowingly or even with good intention. Nonetheless, we still drown out our children’s caring, ethical desires with words and actions like the following:

  • Harassing the sport’s coach to get our children more play time.
  • Campaigning for our children to get a larger role in the school play.
  • Allowing our children to quit a team activity mid-season without considering their obligation to the team or drop out of an activity because they did not get the part they wanted.
  • Not encouraging our children to reach out to the friendless child, the oddball, or the outcast at school.
  • Allowing our children to talk too much, monopolizing conversation with peers and adults.
  • Allowing our children to “fudge” on the community service experiences they list on their college applications.
  • Writing too much of a child’s paper or doing too much of their project.

 

We could add more to the list, but you get the idea. Our actions often communicate a higher priority on achievement and personal happiness and less of a priority on kindness, thinking about the other person, and caring. If we want to raise a generation of caring, ethical youth, we need to “tweak” the messages we communicate. We need to assure our words and actions reveal a priority of kindness and caring. We need to let our children know one reason we work hard is to gain the resources to help others, including them. We need to communicate, through our words and actions, that kindness, not simply achievement, results in happiness and the greatest achievement is found in connecting with others through caring. We need to accept that parenting is a “moral task…” and it is high time we take that task seriously!

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Dunkin’ Donuts & A Better Behaved Child

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I stood in line at Dunkin’ Donuts when a mother and her young son entered the store. They line was moving very slow. As we waited for the opportunity to pick out our donuts, this boy’s excitement began to bubble over. Suddenly, the levee that contained his excitement Mother And Son Doing Laundrybroke. He burst out into loud sounds, large gestures, and a quick run in circles around his mother. His mother calmly picked him up and smiled. He smiled back as she said, “You are really excited for your donut aren’t you?”  His eyes grew so large with excitement and joy I thought they might pop out.  “But,” she continued, “Do you see all the people already eating their donuts?” The little boy looked around and nodded. “We will get our donut soon.” He hugged his mother at those words. She continued, “In the meantime, all the people eating donuts now don’t want to be disturbed by someone running and yelling. So…, (I don’t know if she paused for dramatic effect, but I leaned forward waiting for “the rest of the story”) will you stand patiently with me while we wait for our donut?” The young man smiled and shook his head yes. She set him down and together they stood, hand in hand, patiently waiting for their turn to order a donut. I stood in line and smiled. I had just witnessed a wonderful example of the effectiveness of inductive parenting.

 

Inductive parenting is considered the most effective parenting style for helping a child internalize social norms and family values. Three components make it so effective. First, inductive parenting communicates how actions affect other people. When this young mother told her son to “see all the people…,” she raises his awareness of others. She did not judge or lecture. She simply made him aware. In doing so, she taught him to have empathy, to think about other people, to see things from their perspective. She encouraged him to experience his behavior from another person’s point of view. Her son will learn to recognize how his behavior affects others in positive and negative ways as she continues to do this. In short, he will earn to be respectful of other people.

 

Second, inductive parenting teaches the benefits of “social cooperation.” When this young boy’s mother told him ‘the people eating don’t want to be disturbed by someone running and yelling,” she was teaching him social cooperation, to think about other people and be considerate of their rights and desires. He learned that respecting other people involves cooperating with their desires, not just thinking of his own desires.

 

Third, inductive parenting gives a positive behavioral alternative. The mother described above did this when she asked her son to “stand with me while we wait.” Not only did this young man learn to be aware of the impact of his behavior on others and to respect other people by cooperating with their desires, but he learned how to do this. In addition, his mother stood with him, hand in hand as they talked about their plans for the day. He learned and experienced the joy of interacting with his mother while waiting in line. Most likely, he saw the smiles of other patrons as they witnessed a mother and son having a positive, respectful interaction (after all, she made her son aware of them).

 

Using the three components of inductive parenting will help your child internalize your family values. One more tip to help the process along: do not lecture. Simply state the expectation or raise your child’s awareness and move on. Keep it brief and to the point. Even better, as your children learn the expectations ask them rather than tell them. “Is that how we act in public?” “How do you think your behavior is making other customers feel?” “Is that how a young man/lady behaves?” Asking questions encourages your child to process what they already know. Each time they process what they know and think it through, the more likely they will act on it in the future.

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10 Family Sayings You Can Take to the Bank

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There are certain phrases that every family needs to practice on a consistent basis. These sayings are priceless. You can take them to the bank–the Family Bank of Honor that is–and get a great return on your investment. So, here is an investment challenge: make an intentional effort to include these phrases in your daily interactions with your spouse and children.

  •  Family Bank of HonorI love you.
  • I am proud of you.
  • I love watching you…(fill in the sentence with the activity the participate in).
  • You really put a lot of effort into that project…and it shows.
  • Thank you.
  • I am sorry. Will you forgive me?
  • I really admire/appreciate your…(end the sentence with a character trait in your child or spouse that you admire).
  • What are your plans for today?
  • I enjoy doing things with you.
  • I was thinking about you today.

 

These 10 family sayings will build up your spouse and your children, enhance each person’s sense of significance and value, and increase family intimacy…priceless!

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The Not-So-Silent Killer Stalking Your Family!

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There is a killer stalking your family. This killer does not physically attack families; but it will destroy family relationships and devastate each person’s self-image. Sometimes it works subtly, like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, hiding behind humor, knowledge, and deception. At other times it blatantly attacks family members. This enemy of your family goes by many names, but ultimately we know it goes by the name of disrespect.

 

馬鹿にするビジネスマンDisrespect harms individuals and devastates relationships. It creates wounds so toxic they can remain open and unhealed for a lifetime! Disrespect thrusts a person into an inferior role.  It creates an environment of inequality, an environment in which the disrespected person is treated as less valuable, less worthy, and less esteemed. The very act of disrespect sets up a hierarchy in which the disrespectful person assumes the role of a controlling master and assigns the role of a less capable, less intelligent serf onto the one he disrespects. The disrespected person naturally responds with anger and rebellion, self-hate and emotional withdrawal, or both. Communication falters and, eventually, the relationship dies. Disrespect is a killer stalking your family!

 

A person can show disrespect toward family in several ways. Jennifer Gill Rosier, PhD (The Family Coach) discusses five ways family members can show disrespect to one another:

  • Disgracing. Family members show this type of disrespect when they criticize or insult other family members. Disgracing includes name calling, shaming, and attacks on a person’s character.
  • Dramatizing. We dramatize by using absolute language (words like “always,” “never,” “all,” “none,” etc.) to describe other family members or their behavior in a negative way. For example, “You never did care about me;” “You never listen to me;” “You always boss me around;” “You will always be a loser;” etc.
  • Dictating. This type of disrespect occurs when we give orders, commands, or communicate in a way that implies a hierarchy with us on top. A person who shows this type of disrespect often expects family members to make huge investments in family relationships or household duties while making no investment of their own.
  • Disregarding. Family members disregard one another by ignoring or rejecting. Disregarding shows its ugly head when a person ignores a family member’s attempts to converse, a family member’s feelings, or family member’s interests, among other things. The disregarding person can also simply reject other family members directly—”leave me alone”—for no real reason.
  • Dominating. We exhibit disrespect when we control the conversation, inhibiting our spouse or child from involvement by interrupting them, talking over them, or simply overpowering them during a conversation. A person can also show this type of disrespect by telling another person what to feel, think, or find interesting rather than allowing them to determine their own feelings, thoughts, and interests.

 

We may all show disrespect to family members from time to time. However, if disrespect becomes the norm, family relationships die. So, if you find yourself becoming disrespectful, apologize and change your behavior. Here are some behaviors to replace disrespect.

  • Rather than disgracing family members, encourage family members. Build up your family members. Make statements that will bring them joy. Honor them with your words.
  • Stop using words like “always” and “never.” Instead, deal with each situation as it arises. Focus on one thing at a time.
  • Invest in your family. Rather than barking out orders and commands, work with your family to get things done. Make chores and household duties a family project. Involve everyone, especially yourself!
  • Honor family members with your time and attention. Turn off the TV, take a break from the video game, and focus on your family members.
  • Include everyone in the conversation. That means you have to listen. Look each person in the eye and listen. Get curious about each family member’s feelings, thoughts, and desires…and consider those feelings, thoughts, and desires as you make plans.

Those are just a few ways to replace disrespect with respect in your home. The ideas are simple, but they will have a long-lasting and magnificent impact on your family life and joy!

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20 Family Rules for Social Media…Straight from God!

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Social Media tools have grown faster than I can keep up.  I cannot come close to keeping up with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest while throwing a few pics out on Snapchat. I still have trouble texting. Even more confusing, I often wonder why people choose to post Social media on Smartphonewhat they post. I’m not the only one in this conundrum though. ABC reported that a third of all divorce filings in 2011 contained the word “Facebook” according to Divorce Online. ABC also reported that, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, more than 80% of U.S. divorce attorneys said social networking in divorce proceedings was on the rise (Click here for the report). A Clinical Report from the American Academy of Pediatrics entitled The Impact of Social Media on Children, Adolescents, and Families reported that social media can help children through socialization, communication, enhanced learning opportunities, and accessing health information. At the same time, children also risk becoming the recipient of cyberbullying, sexting, Facebook depression, and the influence of advertisers on social media sites. Obviously, we need some family rules to help monitor our family members’ use of social media. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends several ideas, like no more than 2 hours per day of screen time for children and other beneficial ideas at this AAP site. Visit them for information to help you manage social media in your family. Although you will find invaluable information on the use of social media on the internet (ironically), I thought it might be interesting to see if God has anything to say about social media. So, here are twenty proverbs that answer some questions and clarify important principles for families using social media. Proverbs…no explanations, just the proverb presented for you to consider and apply to your use of social media.

 

How much does a wise person share on social media?

  • The wise don’t make a show off their knowledge, but fools broadcast their foolishness—Proverbs 12:23 (NLT).
  • A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent—Proverbs 17:27-28 (NLT).
  • Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut—Proverbs 10:19 (NLT).

 

Consider the power of the words we use and the statements we make on social media:

  • With their words, the godless destroy their friends, but knowledge will rescue the righteous—Proverbs 11:9 (NLT).
  • The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing—Proverbs 12:18 (NIV).
  • Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything—Proverbs 13:3 (NLT).
  • Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones—Proverbs 16:24 (NIV).
  • As sure as a north wind brings rain, so a gossiping tongue causes anger—Proverbs 25:23 (NLT).

 

What are the best kinds of words to use on social media?

  • Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them—Ephesians 4:29 (NLT).
  • Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that no one can criticize you—Philippians 2:14-15a (NLT).

 

What about arguing and complaining on social media?

  • A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly—Proverbs 15:1-2 (NIV).
  • A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends—Proverbs 16:28 (NIV).
  • Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out—Proverbs 17:14 (NIV).
  • An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars—Proverbs 18:19 (NLT).
  • When arguing with your neighbor, don’t betray another person’s secret. Others will accuse you of gossip, and you will never regain your good reputation—Proverbs 25:9-10 (NLT).

 

The call to use discernment when posting, or reading, social media:

  • Wise people think before they act; fools don’t—and even brag about their foolishness—Proverbs 13:16 (NLT).
  • The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps—Proverbs 14:15 (NIV).
  • A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash—Proverbs 15:14 (NLT).
  • Do you see someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for them—Proverbs 29:20 (NIV).

 

Finally, since “social networking is on the rise in divorce cases,” remember:

  • The lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword—Proverbs 5:3-4 (NIV).

 

What other proverbs do you think apply to the use of social media?

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Parents Say the Darndest Things

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We all know that kids say the darnedest things; but parents do too. Have you ever really listened to parents? Have you ever listened to yourself? Sometimes we make ridiculous comments…comments that are really nonsense. Check out these statements, statements I have heard really good, loving parents say to their children in the midst of frustration. I remember saying many of them myself.

  1. Furious emoticon“We don’t yell in this house!” I yelled this one up the stairs, trying to say it loud enough to be heard over my kids…go figure. Do we yell…or don’t we?
  2. “Close the door. Were you raised in a barn?” Really…you don’t know the answer to that one? I know the answer to that question before I ask it. After all, I raised my children in my home.
  3. “You better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you!” That statement is a sure sign that, in spite of my anger, the whole situation is actually kind of humorous. Rather than smile and laugh about it, I try to recoup my sense of dignity with a nonsensical statement.
  4. “Quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” What? If my child is crying maybe they already have something to cry about. Remember, they are still thinking like a kid, not an adult. What seems like a simple thing to an adult can feel overwhelming to a child.
  5. “Don’t get smart with me.”  Now that is a smart statement. We encourage our children to attend school, acquire knowledge, and utilize that knowledge in everyday life…except when it comes to explaining to us the reasons for their disagreement.
  6. “I can turn this car around….” Wait a second. We just spent a week packing suitcases for vacation and half a day packing it into a car. We have spent a small fortune on reservations for a nice family vacation. Are we really going to turn the car around? Let’s be real.
  7. “You better wipe that smirk off your face before it freezes that way.” Well, maybe this one carries some truth. As I journey through my fifties I do see my face taking on the shape and wrinkles of my most common facial expressions; but the warning is a little too distant to mean much to a child.
  8. “If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” Probably not. But, if they were stopping for ice cream after school, I might do that…even without permission. If our children made an extreme statement like this one, we would probably tell them statement #5.

 

You may be wondering why I even bring these statements up. First, I have made statements like this…and found them ineffective, useless, and nonsensical. So, I hope you don’t mind if I use this moment to offer my confession and ask your absolution. Second, I want to offer five sayings to help us avoid making useless statements in the future.

  1. Education School Boy Thinking on White“Think before you speak” (one of those useful statements my parents told me). What do we want our children to learn? What do we want to teach them? Let’s make sure that what we say and how we say it will actually teach them the lessons we want them to learn.
  2. “You get more flies with honey than vinegar” (hmm…maybe our parents had more useful sayings than I originally thought). Our children will listen better and learn more quickly when we speak to them with respect…when we honor their intelligence and common sense.
  3. “Say what you mean and mean what you say” (like Horton, the famous elephant on Whoville) and “Don’t make idle threats.” Children learn very quickly whether we mean what we say or not. If they learn we are simply “making an idle threat,” they will not respond. Let your word be true. Only say what you mean. Only threaten consequences you are willing to enforce. Our children will learn to listen and respond better as a result.
  4. “Don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill.” Sometimes kids are just being kids. A teen is going to struggle with peer pressure (so do adults) and a preschooler is likely to cry about things we consider silly. Although these issues seem less important to us, they are significant issues to a child of that age.
  5. Sometimes “all you need is love” (thank you Beatles). Our children often don’t need a quippy response or a sarcastic remark; they need a little love and compassion. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes the most loving response is one of discipline. But, discipline offered in an attitude of love goes a lot further than discipline offered with an angry or sarcastic remark. And, sometimes our children need a hug more than a silly remark…so refer back to #1 and respond appropriately.
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