Tag Archive for parenting

Don’t Squelch Your Little Creative Genius

Posted on by Leave a comment

Children are born creative geniuses. At least that’s what a study by George Landis of NASA discovered (Learn more about that study in this TedTalk). He had developed a test for NASA to determine the creativity of job applicants. As they gave it to job applicants, questions arose—like, “Where does creativity come from?” and “Are we born creative, or do we learn creativity?” In an attempt to get some answers to these questions, they utilized this test of creativity to discover the level of creativity in children.  

  • They tested 1,600 children (4- to 5-years of age) and found that 98% fell into the category of creative genius.
  • They then tested the same children 5 years later (at about 10-years of age). The percentage who tested in the genius category of imagination fell to 30%.
  • Again, the children were tested at 15-years of age. The percentage fell to 12%.
  • They also gave the test to about 2,800 adults and found the percentage of adults falling into the category of genius was only 2%.

How discouraging is that? The creativity of a person seemed to decrease over time. The authors of this study believe this decline occurred because we teach our children to judge and criticize ideas before dreaming or generating new ideas, even instead of dreaming or generating new ideas. We teach them to seek the “one right answer,” even for new problems that arise. In doing so, we silence the creative idea generating parts of our brain.

We face many “new” problems in our world today, problems ranging from technology to social relationships to environmental needs. In other words, creativity could prove a valuable asset in our world. Fortunately, we are all born with a streak of creative genius. For the sake of our world and our happiness, we need our children to flourish as creative geniuses as they mature. We need them to maintain their creative flare so they can meet the challenges of this world with various solutions…and we need our own 5-year-old creative genius to reemerge and help us to start our families on a new and creative path of solutions to the challenges we face today. How can we do this?

  • Create opportunities for creative expression. Allow your children the opportunity to engage in creative activities and creative problem-solving.
  • Stop and listen to creative moments that naturally arise. When your child offers a suggestion or a possible solution to some problem, stop and listen. Even if it sounds outlandish at first, stop and consider the possibility. Rather than judge or criticize, talk about their thoughts and ideas. Talk through the possibilities with them. When your child creates an art project, observe it and recognize a particular aspect you like or find interesting rather than judge and criticize. Who cares if the sky is green or the fish have wings? Allow creative expression and exploration. You will be pleasantly surprised by your child’s creative reasoning.
  • Encourage a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset. You can do this by acknowledging effort more than outcome. Recognize specific details about their work rather than offering global praises and acknowledgments. Avoid labeling your child as “creative” or “not creative.” Rather than label, simply acknowledge their effort and the interesting details of their project.
  • Also, frame “failures” and “setbacks” as opportunities to learn. This also contributes to a growth mindset. Besides, when you think about it, creativity is all about learning from what doesn’t work and applying what you learn in a new way to discover a new solution. Allow your children the joy of failures and setbacks along with the opportunities to learn from them.  
  • Play. Have fun and play. You might even make up the game if you don’t have one in mind already. You can also enjoy playing with words by telling jokes or stories. Play with music by singing or playing an instrument. Even make an instrument. Play catch. Play a sport. Play slow motion tag. Play anything you like…just play and have fun.
  • Encourage curiosity. Travel. Try a new food. Go to an art museum. Play a new game. Enjoy new and novel activities. All of this will encourage curiosity.

Creativity adds joy to life. Creativity supports resilience and perseverance. Creativity opens the door to creating a better world for our children and grandchildren. Nurture your creativity and your children’s creativity…it will make the world a better place.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , , ,

The Impact on Your Child of How You Feel About Their Other Parent

Posted on by Leave a comment

It’s true. Mothers and fathers often have different ideas about raising children. They come to the parenting relationship with different styles and even different priorities, all of which can be negotiated through discussions and compromise.  In fact, it’s important to work out those differences because how one parent sees the other parent’s level of cooperation and competence has a huge impact on their child’s behavior and future social relations.  

A study out of The Ohio State University revealed that the way parents viewed their coparent played a crucial role in the behavioral and social adjustment of their children. This study involved 2,915 low-income couples with children under 5-years-old and living in one of seven U.S. states. At the start of the study, parents were asked how they related to one another as parents. In other words, they were asked about their coparenting relationship. Their answers led the research team to separate them into four groups:

  • Group 1: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “highly positive.” This group made up 43% of the total.
  • Group 2: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “moderately positive,” but the mothers were less positive about the father’s parenting. This group made up 32% of the total.
  • Group 3: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “moderately positive,” but the fathers were less positive about the mother’s parenting. This group comprised 16% of the total.
  • Group 4: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as being of “low quality.” Fortunately, this group comprised only 9% of the total.

Eighteen months later, the parents were asked to rate their children’s behavioral adjustment and social competence.  Not surprisingly, the children of parents who both reported having a “highly positive” coparenting relationship (Group 1) showed the best adjustment. They exhibited the fewest behavioral problems and the highest level of social competence.  Group 2 also showed a high level of adjustment—fewer behavioral problems and greater social competence.

The final two groups showed the lowest levels of adjustment. Interesting, a father’s negative perception of the mother’s coparenting (Group 3) had a greater negative impact on children’s behavior and social competence than a mother’s negative perception of a father’s coparenting (Group 2). Of course, when both parents reported a poor coparenting relationship, the children struggled the most with behavioral adjustment and social competence.

With this in mind, if you want your child to have fewer behavioral problems and greater social competence, focus on nurturing a strong coparenting relationship with their other parent.

  • Accept differences. You will have different ideas and styles than your children’s other parent. Most of those differences will be minor. For instance, fathers tend to engage in more rough and tumble play. Mothers tend to offer more nurturance. Fathers encourage “shaking it off.” Mothers tend to comfort first. In my marriage, I tend to be the one willing to get dessert or a special treat as part of our “get together.” My wife enjoys a more interactive engagement without food. Accept those differences. Allow the other parent the freedom to parent slightly differently than you.
  • Discuss and negotiate aspects you deem most important. You will discover some areas of parental responsibility that you believe essential. Talk with the other parent about those areas of parenting. Explain your reasons and your concerns. Negotiate. Listen. Compromise.
  • Provide opportunities for your child to connect with their other parent. Let both parents enjoy one-on-one time with each child as well as periods of time in which each parent has sole responsibility for all the children. We not only connect through the fun experiences but through the daily chores of parenting—changing diapers, doing household chores together, engaging in activities together, and even running errands together.
  • Never “bad mouth” your child’s other parent. No name-calling, undermining, or demeaning. Encourage your children to respect and honor their other parent through your example as well as your instruction.
  • Keep your child’s other parent up-to-date. Communicate appointments and activities. Share information about physical changes or needs, friends, and community involvement.
  • Disagree in private. You will inevitably have disagreements with the other parent. When you do, wait until you are alone with them before discussing the disagreement. Ask them about their perception, intent, and motive rather than jumping to a negative assumption. After hearing their intent and motives, explain your concerns. Listen. Negotiate. Compromise.
  • Discipline together. Don’t leave the discipline to one parent. Both parents need to assist in discipline. Support one another in discipline. If you disagree, disagree in private. Your children will benefit from seeing you and their other parent working together for their good.
  • Communicate. Listen. Express yourself. Listen. Communicate.

These practices will help you nurture a positive relationship with your children’s other parent. That strong coparenting relationship will help decrease your children’s behavioral problems. It will also increase their social competence. Those two outcomes are well worth nurturing a positive coparenting relationship.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , ,

Help Your Teen Stop Ruminating

Posted on by Leave a comment

Teens have repetitive thoughts; actually, we all do. Those thoughts can become ruminations when teens (or adults) start to think obsessively about them. Ruminating on negative thoughts will increase a person’s level of stress and discomfort. It can also lead to anxiety and depression. It hinders and even prevents us from experiencing a happier, more satisfying life. But can we change those ruminating thoughts? If so, how can we teach our teens to stop ruminating on negative thoughts? The answer to the first question is “Yes, we can change those ruminating thoughts and even learn to ruminate less.” A study involving 145 teens helps us answer the second question by exploring how to teach teens to stop their ruminating thoughts.

To begin the experiment, researchers induced a negative mood in the teens who had volunteered for the study. They did this by creating a feeling of exclusion for each teen. Then they split the teens into four groups: two “rumination groups” and two “distraction groups.” The “rumination groups” were prompted to ruminate using verbal thoughts in one group and mental imagery (mental pictures) in the other group. Likewise, the “distraction group” was prompted to distract themselves using verbal thoughts in one group or mental imagery in the other group. While each of the four groups followed their prompts, the researchers monitored the activity of their heart and skin conductance (measures of stress). In addition, the teens rated their “current emotional state” at four different points during the study. What did the researchers discover?

Teens ruminate using both verbal thoughts and mental imagery. This study showed that both verbal rumination and rumination using mental imagery had an equally negative impact on the teen’s mood.

On the other hand, mental imagery proved more effective and powerful than verbal thoughts in distracting the teens from ruminating. Mental imagery, in other words, was more effective at stopping ruminating thoughts. Why? Because focusing on a mental image, a mental picture, required more effort and consumed more mental space. So, what does this mean for you and your teen?

You can use this finding to help your teen manage their emotions, to help them learn how to not be overwhelmed with worry and anxiety. In other words, you can use this information to help our teens stop ruminating. First, begin by practicing the use of mental imagery yourself. Our teens learn best from our example. When worried thoughts begin to pile up in your mind, invest your energy in creating a mental image unrelated to the worry. For instance, you might focus on your favorite vacation spot. In the study described above, the mental image was simply “a lemon in various conditions.”  I like to suggest people use a silly image at times—like a sky-blue Volkswagen being driven by a giraffe whose neck and head stick out the sky light while a pink elephant sits crammed into the passenger seat.  Pick your image. Let it be one that brings a chuckle or a sense of peace. Focus on the sensations inherent in the image—the colors, smells, physical sensations, sounds, etc. Let the image fill your mind.

Second, teach your children and teens how to use this skill. Teach them to pick a mental image that will utilize the mental energy currently deployed in the service of ruminating and fill them with a sense of peace or give them a chuckle instead.

Of course, you still want to do whatever you can to respond to any reasonable concern (worry). For instance, picturing yourself on a beach can reduce excessive and unnecessary worry about an upcoming test, but it won’t help you pass the test. Only studying will do that. And studying will also reduce your worry about passing the test. Which gives rise to the third point. Do the work necessary to address the concern. Sometimes the best way to beat the worry and anxiety of rumination is to actually get to work and address the concern.

Don’t let rumination interfere with your teen’s contentment and joy in life. Teach them, by example and instruction, to do the work necessary to address any legitimate concern. If ruminating thoughts persist, teach them to utilize mental imagery to stop the rumination.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , ,

Will Becoming a Parent Strengthen or Weaken Your Marriage

Posted on by Leave a comment

Will becoming a parent strengthen or weaken your marriage? Well, it depends. Becoming a parent carries a great deal of responsibility. It demands our time and our efforts. It occupies our mind 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It’s no wonder then, that the demanding responsibilities of becoming a parent can either strengthen or weaken our marriages. Why does it strengthen some and weaken others? What makes the difference?  More importantly, how can we make sure that parenting will strengthen our marriages and not weaken them? Those are good questions. Here are five aspects of parenting that will determine whether becoming a parent strengthens or weakens your relationship to your spouse, the “love of your life.”

  • Your ability to accept your differences. Let’s face it. No one marries a clone of themselves. (And really, who would want to?) You are different than our spouse. All that being said, you and your spouse will likely have some different ideas when it comes to parenting. You will have different ways of interacting with your children. For instance, men often tend to engage in more rough-and-tumble play while women often seem more nurturing and comforting. Sure, men comfort and women play, but generally speaking, men and women engage their children differently. And our children benefit from both types of interactions. Accept those differences.
  • Your ability to compromise. You and your spouse have different backgrounds. You likely experienced different styles of parenting when you were growing up in your respective homes. Discuss those differences in parenting ideology. Share your ideas with one another. Then, compromise. Yes. Compromise. Pick the best of both styles of parenting and compromise. If you struggle to compromise, seek advice from a mentor or counselor.
  • Your ability and determination to support one another. Becoming a parent can arouse every insecurity you ever had. You will likely second guess yourself and wonder if you’re doing the right thing or not. And sometimes you will make mistakes. (Fortunately love covers a multitude of mistakes.) When you have doubts, find a quiet place with your spouse and ask them for input. And if you disagree with something your spouse does as a parent, don’t disagree and fight about it in front of your children. Instead, find a quiet place where you can talk with your spouse one-on-one about what happened. Share ideas. Come up with a plan of how you can both respond “the next time” a similar situation arises. In other words, support one another. Invest as a couple 100% but agree that when one needs a rest, the other will “pick up the slack.” Work together. Compliment. Encourage. Support one another.
  • Communicate. All three of the suggestions so far involve one thing: Communication. Learn to communicate with your spouse in a respectful, loving way. Approach with love. Speak gently and calmly. Listen intently and fully. Communication is the heart of a life-long marriage.
  • Invest in your marriage. It is easy to get so caught up in raising children that your marriage “gets put on the back burner.” Don’t let that happen. One of the greatest gifts you can provide for your children is a happy marriage. Let them bear witness to your love. Allow them to see you give your spouse a simple hug and kiss…often. Let them hear you tell your spouse, “I love you” every day. Sure, they will say “Ewww.” But knowing you love one another will also provide them with a sense of security. So, plan regular date nights. Take time to encourage your children to “entertain themselves” while you and your spouse talk about the day. Let your children know that your spouse is your first love and will continue to be your love, even after they have “flown the coup.”  Invest in your marriage.     

Will becoming a parent strengthen or weaken your marriage? It depends on your intentional effort to accept your differences, compromise, support one another, communicate, and invest in your marriage. Practice wisely and give your children the precious gift of witnessing their parents in a stronger, healthier marriage.

Posted in Celebration, Family Shepherds tagged with , , , , , ,

Boost Your Child’s Motivation…How?

Posted on by Leave a comment

Most parents have experienced the struggle of motivating their children to complete homework, do a chore, “get a job,” or any number of other things. It can become a huge exercise in frustration as parents try alternative ways of motivating their children. Sometimes we offer our children financial rewards to help motivate them. Sometimes that works…sometimes it doesn’t. But, one study found that framing those rewards differently actually boosts motivation by 50%.

In this study, participants were rewarded in one of two ways for engaging in daily exercise. One group received $1.40 each day they exercised for 30 days (they gained a reward). Another group was given $42 at the beginning of the 30-day study and had $1.40 taken away each day they did not exercise (they lost their reward). A third group was simply asked to exercise daily for 30 days (no reward). Guess which group exercised most often. You got it. The group that received a daily reward ($1.40 a day) did NOT exercise significantly more than the group that was simply asked to exercise. But the group that would lose $1.40 each day they did not exercise actually exercised 50% more days than the other two groups. The potential for losing the reward boosted motivation 50% over the potential of gaining a reward.

What does this mean for a parent? If you give your child an allowance, you might want to consider changing how you do it. Rather than giving your child their allowance at the end of the week for the work they have already done, give them an allowance at the start of the week by placing it in a jar or someplace else where they can see it. For each chore not completed, take a predetermined amount of money out of the jar. (Let them loose their reward.) Inform your children that they “paid you” to do the chore. Let them see how their money “slips away” as they neglect their chores. In other words, let them lose their reward as a consequence of neglecting their chores. Then, at the end of the week, give them what is left. The potential for losing the allowance (the reward) may just motivate them more than having to earn an unseen reward.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , ,

Your Child’s Dating Journey AND You

Posted on by Leave a comment

The time arrives in every parent’s journey when our sons and daughters start to date. Deep in our souls a twinge of excitement peaks out from behind the walls of our apprehension and protection. We look forward to the joys and the fun our children will experience as they date…but we also recall the pain of rejection, the heartbreak of the breakup, and the despair of feeling as though “I will never love anyone that much again.” In fact, our children’s dating relationships are part of a journey we navigate with them, a journey through the peaks and valleys of a thousand emotions. There’s no way around it. We have to go through this journey with them. I offer three tips to help you navigate this journey with your children.

  1. Remember, your children’s dating experience will not be the same are your dating experience were. Dating has changed since you were a teen or a young adult. Your children are not you. They may not experience the same ups and downs as you did. Do not thrust the baggage from your dating relationship onto your children’s dating relationships. Separate your emotions and feelings from what your children’s emotions and feelings because your children will likely experience dating differently than you did. Instead, be aware of their emotions, their relationship joys and struggles, their motives and intentions. Meet them in their journey and support them “where they are.”
  2. Build and nurture a strong relationship with your children. Through your words and your actions, teach them that you are trustworthy, reliable, understanding, and willing to listen. In other words, build a relationship in which they know you are a person they can turn to with the joys, struggles, and decisions of life. This requires spending time with your children as well as deeply listening to your children over time. Starting early is best; so start developing this relationship before your children start to date. But remember, it is never too late to show yourself trustworthy and reliable in relationship with your children.
  3. Avoid making evaluations or judgements. Along the same line, avoid teasing them about dating. Even if it’s in fun and jest, it increases the possibility that they will not feel comfortable talking to you if relationship concerns or issues do arise. If (or when) they experience a break up, don’t respond with “I told you she would hurt you.”  Instead, offer a listening ear. Invite them to put their dating experience into words by asking open-ended questions like, “What do you like about him/her the most?” Communicate empathy and understanding when they experience joy in the relationship–“I bet that was exciting” or “Tell me more about that fun date”–or when they experience hurt and sorrow–“That had to hurt” or “I’m sorry he/she hurt you like that.” Inviting them to talk about their relationship will help them learn from their experience and develop their healthy “dating philosophy.” After you have listened deeply (and only after you have listened deeply), you can lovingly share your wisdom and knowledge to the development of that philosophy by encouraging them to think about certain strategies.

In summary, build a trusting relationship with your child and, because their experience will be different than your experience was, listen deeply to understand their unique experience. Really, that basically describes honoring your children’s dating experience and loving your children deeply as you traverse the dating journey together.

Posted in Family Shepherds, Honor tagged with , , ,

Your Answer Will Ripple Through the Generations

Posted on by Leave a comment

Let me ask you a question: “How do you feel about feelings?” Some people “feel” that feelings are dangerous. Others “feel” that feelings make them soft and vulnerable. As a result, they are fearful that feelings leave them unsafe, or, dismissive of feelings that make them weak. All these responses lead people to ignore feelings and to teach their children to do the same. In fact, they may even punish children for having feelings—for instance, sending them into isolation (their room) until they “calm down, quit crying, or learn to talk politely.” Although this may alleviate a parent’s discomfort with their child’s emotions, it also serves to rob their child of the opportunity to learn ways of communicating their emotions to others and of effectively regulating their emotions in themselves. Robbed of these skills, children have a greater risk for depression, angry outbursts, and anxiety. They may act impulsively and exhibit a lack of empathy as well.

Fortunately, there is a way of “feeling about feelings” that proves more beneficial to families and their children. This involves “emotional coaching.” Families who practice emotional coaching “feel” that feelings are expressions of priorities and values. They believe that emotions represent things of importance to the person with the feeling. On the flip side, they know that expression of emotion also gives everyone else in the family important information about that person’s character and priorities.

Emotions are like an “open book” revealing a person’s deeper values and interests.  By recognizing and accepting each person’s emotions, the family learns about each other’s nuanced interests and values. Each person learns to open up and communicate their feelings. This, in turn, allows for greater intimacy and support. In addition, people learn to become aware of emotions before they escalate in themselves and others. They have greater self-awareness, and so better self-regulation. They have a better ability to recognize emotions in others and so a better sense of empathy.

As you can imagine, dismissing emotions and coaching emotions will have an immense impact on your family and your children. And which one you choose will create a ripple that will impact your family through the generations for better or worse.

To let your family benefit from the “better side” of this ripple effect, practice emotional coaching. Learn to be accepting of emotions. Remember, emotions are not good or bad in and of themselves. They simply provide information about priorities and things of value. Accept the emotion. Listen to the emotion. Validate the feeling and the priority under the emotion.  As you listen and show empathy for your child’s emotions, your child will learn the value of emotions.

Don’t stop by simply listening and validating. Take the next step and label your children’s emotions. By labeling their emotions, you help them develop an emotional vocabulary. Having an emotional vocabulary will help your child manage their emotions in an effective manner. It gives them a vocabulary with which to express themselves and their emotions, which can lead to greater intimacy and better problem-solving.

When your child knows you accept and understand their feelings, they will likely begin to “calm down” and regain emotional control. At that point, you can discuss how they might want to respond to whatever is arousing that emotion within them. This problem-solving will include how they might address the priority behind the emotion in a way that will best promote that priority.   

These three steps will begin to help you become an emotional coach for your child. As you continue practicing emotional coaching with your children and yourself, the benefits will ripple through your family for generations.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , ,

What’s Wrong with Kids Today?

Posted on by Leave a comment

In 2021, the American Academy of Pediatrics, along with the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and the Children’s Hospital Association issued a “joint statement to the Biden administration that child and adolescent mental health be declared a ‘national emergency.'” Children and teens suffer from rates of depression and anxiety that have increased over the last five decades. Although several factors have been identified as contributing to the decline in children’s mental health, a study review published in February, 2023, suggests that a steady decline in children’s opportunity to engage in self-directed play, exploration, and activities meaningful to the functioning of family and community, independent of adult control and oversight, are major contributors.

At one time, small groups of children walked or biked to school with little to no adult supervision. They engaged in meaningful part-time jobs by the time they reached their preteen years, jobs such as babysitting, managing a paper route, or lawn care. Children spent large chunks of time away from adults riding their bikes, exploring the community or nearby woods, and “hanging out” with friends. The message inherent from adults to children engaged in these activities is that children are competent, responsible, resourceful, and resilient. Unfortunately, the inherent message to children today is that children need supervision and protection because the world is not safe…messages that arouse anxieties and fears. But is it really true that the world is less safe today? According to statistics, our children are safer today than they were in the 1980’s. Crime rate peaked in 1991 and has been declining ever since. The murder rate today is about half of what it was in the 1990’s. Child abductions are rare. Most missing children end up being runaways, not abducted. (For more on child safety today, see Myth-Busting: Let Grow Looks at Common Child Safety Myths and Facts.) Yet, we continue to give our children the message that the world is not safe, “you need” our supervision and protection.  As a result, our children have less opportunities to engage in age-appropriate risky behaviors, behaviors that provide them the opportunity to test and learn the limits of their physical abilities as well as how to trust in their own competence and resourcefulness, skills that boost their self-confidence and protect them from developing phobias and anxieties.

With all this in mind, let your children play. Let them engage in age appropriate, independent play and exploration. Let them enjoy a pick-up game with their friends. Allow them to go on a bike ride without you. Sure, teach them the skills they need to be safe, but let them go it alone at an age-appropriate level. It will provide them with opportunities to experience more happiness and feel like they make a meaningful contribution to their family and community. It will also help them grow a “head taller than themselves.”

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , , ,

Teach Your Children Emotional Intelligence

Posted on by Leave a comment

Children are an emotional lot. That’s only half the truth, isn’t it? It’s not just children but people, adults and children, who are filled with emotions. We are all part of an “emotional lot” and that’s a good thing. Emotions are a gift. They help us realize and define our priorities. Who gets angry about something they care nothing about? Who gets happy over something they do not find valuable? Emotions arise in response to our priorities; and they help us better define those priorities.

Emotions also provide us with the energy to focus on our priorities. The energy we feel in response to anger, when managed properly and directed carefully, can help us resolve whatever aroused our anger. The energy of anxiety helps us to focus on the issue arousing our anxiety and seek a way to effectively address it. Happiness broadens our attention so we can become immersed in the joyous experience. Indeed, when we learn to manage the energy of our emotions, we can tweak our priorities and invest in growing more whole and connected.

That’s the rub, isn’t it? In order for emotions to help us grow, we need to learn how to manage them and the energies they arouse. The process of managing our emotions begins with having an emotional vocabulary. After all, if I have no emotional vocabulary, I have no way to express my emotions. As a result, I may go straight from feeling to action…with no buffer of thought in between.  Consider a toddler who has little emotional vocabulary and cannot express his frustration. He quickly becomes frustrated, maybe even angry, and does what we have labeled as “throwing a tantrum” because he has no words to express his frustration. I have met many a child who did not have the language to express his frustration or anger so went straight from frustration to physically action toward the person frustrating him.

Having a broad emotional language, on the other hand, allows us to recognize and label our feelings. It also creates a buffer between the emotions and our actions in response to our emotions. Even the thought, “I’m so angry” puts a millisecond buffer between emotion and action…a millisecond that allows the neural pathway carrying our emotion to reach our prefrontal cortex and inform us of a more appropriate response, a response that will best serve our priorities.

Learning an emotional vocabulary begins in relationships, especially children’s relationship with their parents. Our children first learn their emotional vocabulary from us, their parents. As we label our emotions and their emotions, they begin to learn a broader vocabulary for their emotional experience. The broader the vocabulary, the broader their options for response. In fact, a series of five studies using the data from 5,520 toddlers showed that children learn emotional labels best when their parents provide information about the situation or actions around the emotion as well. For instance, rather than simply saying “You’re getting frustrated (angry),” a parent might say, “You’re frustrated (angry) because we can’t get ice cream right now.”  Or when witnessing another person’s emotions, a parent might say, “Your friend was really happy to get that nice present from you.” Notice how these statements not only label an emotion, but they provide the context for that emotion as well. Giving the emotion a context and a label helps our children learn a broader emotional vocabulary. As our children learn a broader emotional vocabulary by hearing you label emotions and the context of those emotions, they will grow in their emotional intelligence. They will grow in their ability to respond appropriately and effectively to their own emotions.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , ,

A Happier, More Satisfied Teen

Posted on by Leave a comment

No…it is not an oxymoron to say a “happy, satisfied teen.” Teens often get the bad rap of being moody, full of angst, and complaining about everything. But it’s more myth than fact. Sure, they have times of moodiness (as do most adults). They may even complain…but I know many adults who do the same (including me). Still, teens do experience multiple changes in their physical life, social life, and psychological life that can create a sense of unhappiness and a dissatisfaction with life. But I have good news. A study led by an educational psychology professor at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign discovered a great way to help teens become happier and more satisfied with life.

This study followed 200 teens between 14- and 19-years-old for 70 days. These teens took part in a 10-week learning challenge sponsored by GripTape, a non-profit organization working to “instill a sense of agency in young people.” Each day, the participants rated how “purposeful they felt, how satisfied they were with their life, and the levels of positive and negative emotions they experienced.”  The results revealed that feeling “more purposeful than usual on any single day was a unique predictor” of the participants’ emotional well-being. In other words, when teens felt a sense of purpose, they felt better about themselves. They experienced a higher level of happiness and greater satisfaction with life. So, how can you increase your teens’ sense of purpose and, as a result, increase their happiness and life satisfaction? I’m glad you asked.

  • Model a life of purpose. Our teens will emulate the life we model, so life a life of purpose. Think about the activities and interactions that give your life purpose. Your work or community involvement provides you with a sense of purpose. Volunteer work through your church or school provides you with a sense of purpose. Or your sense of purpose may derive from acts of kindness and service to neighbors and family members. Whatever it is, let your light shine so your teen can see it. Live your purpose with joy that your teen can witness.
  • Value kindness. Kindness represents a valuable purpose in today’s world. We need people who act in kindness toward neighbors, acquaintances, and even strangers. Kindness, from holding the door open to a simple “thank you,” has a powerful impact on our world and our individual lives. Model this simple action of purpose and encourage your teen to practice it as well.
  • Allow exploration. Teens find their purpose by exploring the world around them. Support them in exploring a variety of interests. Encourage them to explore through reading. If the opportunities arise, let them travel to other places to meet other people and witness other lifestyles. Exploration will help your teen gain a deeper understanding of themselves and find their purpose.
  • Provide volunteer opportunities. Volunteer opportunities are a wonderful way to explore and seek purpose. You can volunteer as a whole family or individually with your teen in a variety of ways. Depending on your teens’ interests, you might volunteer at a food bank, in a nursing home, in your church worship band, through habitat for humanity…or simply in your neighborhood by helping others whenever a need arises.
  • Allow downtime as an opportunity for reflection. Our teens often experience a constant rush of activities. They run from school to sports to clubs to homework to church activities to the next item on the agenda with very little downtime. When they finally get the chance to sit down and rest, they delve into the world of technology. Still, no reflection. Sometimes our teens need a period of simple boredom, of looking for something positive to grab their attention. This downtime allows them the opportunity to seek out their passions and find their purpose.

You will have a happier, more satisfied teen if you can help them find a sense of purpose. Of course, your teens’ sense of purpose will change and grow as they mature. But having a sense of purpose will increase their happiness and general satisfaction with life. “A happy, satisfied teen” is not an oxymoron—it’s a teen with a sense of purpose, a goal worth striving for.

Posted in Family Shepherds, Honor tagged with , , , ,
« Older Entries Recent Entries »