Tag Archive for parenting

A Happier, More Satisfied Teen

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No…it is not an oxymoron to say a “happy, satisfied teen.” Teens often get the bad rap of being moody, full of angst, and complaining about everything. But it’s more myth than fact. Sure, they have times of moodiness (as do most adults). They may even complain…but I know many adults who do the same (including me). Still, teens do experience multiple changes in their physical life, social life, and psychological life that can create a sense of unhappiness and a dissatisfaction with life. But I have good news. A study led by an educational psychology professor at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign discovered a great way to help teens become happier and more satisfied with life.

This study followed 200 teens between 14- and 19-years-old for 70 days. These teens took part in a 10-week learning challenge sponsored by GripTape, a non-profit organization working to “instill a sense of agency in young people.” Each day, the participants rated how “purposeful they felt, how satisfied they were with their life, and the levels of positive and negative emotions they experienced.”  The results revealed that feeling “more purposeful than usual on any single day was a unique predictor” of the participants’ emotional well-being. In other words, when teens felt a sense of purpose, they felt better about themselves. They experienced a higher level of happiness and greater satisfaction with life. So, how can you increase your teens’ sense of purpose and, as a result, increase their happiness and life satisfaction? I’m glad you asked.

  • Model a life of purpose. Our teens will emulate the life we model, so life a life of purpose. Think about the activities and interactions that give your life purpose. Your work or community involvement provides you with a sense of purpose. Volunteer work through your church or school provides you with a sense of purpose. Or your sense of purpose may derive from acts of kindness and service to neighbors and family members. Whatever it is, let your light shine so your teen can see it. Live your purpose with joy that your teen can witness.
  • Value kindness. Kindness represents a valuable purpose in today’s world. We need people who act in kindness toward neighbors, acquaintances, and even strangers. Kindness, from holding the door open to a simple “thank you,” has a powerful impact on our world and our individual lives. Model this simple action of purpose and encourage your teen to practice it as well.
  • Allow exploration. Teens find their purpose by exploring the world around them. Support them in exploring a variety of interests. Encourage them to explore through reading. If the opportunities arise, let them travel to other places to meet other people and witness other lifestyles. Exploration will help your teen gain a deeper understanding of themselves and find their purpose.
  • Provide volunteer opportunities. Volunteer opportunities are a wonderful way to explore and seek purpose. You can volunteer as a whole family or individually with your teen in a variety of ways. Depending on your teens’ interests, you might volunteer at a food bank, in a nursing home, in your church worship band, through habitat for humanity…or simply in your neighborhood by helping others whenever a need arises.
  • Allow downtime as an opportunity for reflection. Our teens often experience a constant rush of activities. They run from school to sports to clubs to homework to church activities to the next item on the agenda with very little downtime. When they finally get the chance to sit down and rest, they delve into the world of technology. Still, no reflection. Sometimes our teens need a period of simple boredom, of looking for something positive to grab their attention. This downtime allows them the opportunity to seek out their passions and find their purpose.

You will have a happier, more satisfied teen if you can help them find a sense of purpose. Of course, your teens’ sense of purpose will change and grow as they mature. But having a sense of purpose will increase their happiness and general satisfaction with life. “A happy, satisfied teen” is not an oxymoron—it’s a teen with a sense of purpose, a goal worth striving for.

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Your Daughter’s Body Image, Humor, & You

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Humor is a powerful method of communication. In fact, how a woman uses humor can impact her body image. And do you know who contributes to how your daughter learns to use humor? You…her parent. But I get ahead of myself. Let me return to “how a woman uses humor can impact her body image.”

Research completed at the University of Surrey and published in the fall of 2022 surveyed 216 women to analyze their style of humor and their body perception. The styles of humor included coping humor, self-enhancing humor, and self-defeating humor. Coping humor represents a person’s general use of humor to cope with stressful events. Self-enhancing humor represents a person’s ability to see the “absurdities of life, even when alone,” and then use those observations in a humorous way to maintain positive levels of self-esteem. Self-defeating humor, on the other hand, often involves self-denigrating comments about “my” self-perceived weaknesses in an attempt to connect with others. (Can you see where this is going?)

Results indicated:

  • Coping humor was only associated with less body criticism, but not with “body positive” attributes like appreciating one’s body and recognizing the common humanity of various body types (body kindness).
  • Self-enhancing humor, on the other hand, was associated with higher levels of body appreciation and body kindness. It was also associated with less emotional eating than those who used self-defeating humor.
  • Self-defeating humor was associated with higher body criticism, lower engagement in body appreciation, a higher drive for thinness (defined as excessive concern about dieting and weight gain), and increased emotional eating.

What does this mean for our families? We want our daughters to learn the benefits of humor—specifically, coping humor and self-enhancing humor. We want them to experience the benefits of using humor in a healthy way not in a self-defeating way. (“Don’t take my picture, I might break your camera.” “Slow down, my short legs barely reach the ground.”) 

As stated above, our daughters learn their sense of humor from us, their parents. They will model the way we use humor about ourselves. They will repeat how we use humor about them as well. As a result, we need to use wisdom in our humor. Focus on humor that lifts people up (including ourselves) and enhances those around us, especially our daughters. It will help our daughters have a better body image, a greater level of kindness toward themselves and their body, and a higher level of motivation to care for their body in healthy ways.  So, before you crack that joke about eating or clothes or some other pointed topic…think twice. Only use humor in love and kindness.

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Protect Your Teen From Alcohol Abuse

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Children who have a family heritage of alcohol abuse are thought to have a genetic propensity to alcohol abuse. However, recent research suggests a way to limit this risk. This study recruited participants between 2004 and 2019 who were 12- to 22-years-old. The researchers interviewed these youth and assessed their brain functioning two times a year. The interviewers asked about substance abuse, mental health, closeness with mother and father between 12-17 years of age. They also collected information about the youths’ binge drinking, impulsiveness, and their parents’ alcohol/substance abuse. Based on their findings, the researchers record two interesting findings that held true regardless of their parent’s alcohol or drug use or their family’s socioeconomic status.

  1. A teen’s close relationship to his/her father was associated with more robust and developed areas of the brain associated with self-regulation and executive functioning, especially for sons.
  2. A teen’s close relationship to his/her mother was associated with less binge drinking, especially for daughters.

In other words, a teen’s close relationship with their parent decreases the likelihood of alcohol abuse by enhancing improved neurocognitive functioning. More specifically, having a warm, close relationship with one’s parent during the teen years helps the teen build a resilience based on improved neural networks for executive functioning and self-regulation. 

With this in mind, two factors stand out as crucial in protecting your child from experiencing alcohol or substance abuse…two actions you can begin today:

  1. Model healthy behavior. Never underestimate the power of your example in your children’s lives. Do not overdrink. Do not “go for the buzz.” Do not drive drunk. Do not use illegal substances. Do not use prescription drugs beyond their prescribed use and amount. Maintain your own sobriety. Our children learn more from our behaviors than our teaching. 
  2. Develop a warm, close relationship with your child. Maintain that relationship through their teen years and into adulthood. Spend time with your children. Learn about their interests. Invest in their lives. This research suggests that a warm, close relationship with your teen will help build a buffer of protection against alcohol and substance abuse.

Know what I like about these two actions that can promote our children’s long-term health? They invite me to live a healthy life in a joyous relationship with my family. Sounds like a good deal to me.

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The “Dad Brain”

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When a man becomes a father, he gets “Dad Brain.” No, it’s not a disease. It’s a gift every Dad receives with the birth of their child…if they unwrap it. Researchers who obtained MRI scans of 40 men’s brains in Spain and California identified the “Dad Brain.” They actually recorded two MRI scans of each man’s brain: one during their spouse’s first pregnancy and another 6 months after their child was born. They compared the results with scans of 17 men who had no children. What did they find? Having a child changed these men’s brains. Specifically, brain changes appeared in the fathers’ brain regions associated with visual processing, attention, and empathy. These brain changes would enhance the men’s ability to attend to and empathize with their newborn child. In other words, they became more attuned to their child. They had an increased ability to recognize their baby’s needs.

One caveat though. These changes seem to be associated with the level of the father’s involvement in their child’s life. The more involved a father becomes, the more likely to see these brain changes.

What does this mean? Men are designed to be involved in the parenting process. Children benefit when their fathers become involved in their lives. Fathers also benefit from their involvement in their children’s lives. With that in mind, a few suggestions:

  1. Fathers, invest in your children, it’s a precious responsibility. Don’t let busyness, work, or “responsibilities” interfere with your involvement in your children’s lives. They need you and you need them. Get involved. Interact. Play. Converse. Laugh. Learn. Become an integral part of your children’s daily lives. It’s your superpower. 
  2. Mothers, encourage the father of your children to become involved in your children’s lives. You don’t have to “make it happen” or “convince them” to get involved. Simply open the door, allow them the opportunity. Your children need their father. Encourage that involvement.
  3. Recognize that fathers will engage their children differently than mothers will. Fathers tend to engage in rough and tumble play more often than mothers do. They encourage more adventure and exploration. These differences serve to help our children grow in different ways.  They can help our children move successfully into the world.

Becoming a parent, whether a father or a mother, makes us a new person. Step into the change…lean into it…dive into it. You’ll never regret that you did.

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Use With Caution

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The cell phone, screen time, social media… we hear report after report about how each of these technologies impact our children. It’s a complicated issue…and a huge issue for anyone raising children today. So when I come across new information about the impact of technology on our children, both positive and negative, I like to pass it along to you. Recently, I found two studies published in early 2023 that I wanted to share with you.

First, a study out of the University of North Carolina recruited 169 middle school students and followed them for three years to assess the impact of three social media platforms—Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat—on their sensitivity to feedback. At the start of the study, researchers asked each participant how often they checked the three social platforms. The answers ranged from once a day to over twenty times a day. (Other studies have shown 78% of teens report checking their social media sites at least hourly and 35% report using a social media site “almost constantly.”) Every year of the three-year study, participants underwent brain imaging sessions while completing a task to measure their brain activity when anticipating social feedback from peers.  This data revealed that children who grow up checking their social media more often become hypersensitive to feedback from their peers, their sensitivity to social rewards and punishment was altered. Becoming hypersensitive to peer feedback may increase a teen’s tendency to give in to peer pressure—whether negative or positive pressure.

A second longitudinal study looked at the data from 506 children in Singapore. Specifically, the parents of the children were asked to report the average amount of screen time their 12-month-old children consumed on weekdays and weekends. The children were then divided into four groups based on screen time: 1) less than one hour, 2) 1-2 hours, 3) 2-4 hours, and 4) more than 4 hours.  At 18-months, each child underwent an EEG to measure brain activity. In addition, each child completed various tests to measure attention span and executive functioning at 9-years-old. After comparing all the data collected, the research suggests that the more screen time a child was subjected to as an infant, the greater the altered brain activity and the more deficits were noted in the measures of attention span and executive functioning. These deficits may translate into difficulty controlling impulses, difficulty sustaining attention, difficulty following through with multi-step instructions, and difficulty persisting in hard tasks.

Our children and teens go through sensitive periods of brain development. How screen time and social media are used during those times can impact their brain development and, as a result, their behaviors. With this information in mind, our children will benefit from careful monitoring of their screen time and education on the healthy use of screens.

Cell phones, screen time, social media…they are not going away. But we must teach our children to manage this technology for their healthy development. With that in mind,

  • Become a good role model in managing screen time and social media use. Remember, the internet can be a risk and an opportunity for your child, depending on how you and your children manage it. How your children manage it begins with how you model managing it in your own life.
  • Rather than constantly fighting your teen over screen time, encourage their involvement in physical activities. For instance, they might join a sport team, go for a bike ride, enjoy a “pick up game” with peers, or start using a gym membership. Read Take Your Teen From Screen Time to “Exer-Time” for more details on how physical activity alters the impact of screen time.
  • Don’t use screens to distract your children. Instead, engage them in the restaurant while you wait for your food. Play games or talk in the car on trips (whether short trips to the store or long trips). Teach your children to find ways other than the use of screens to manage their boredom–things like card games, going for a walk, playing catch off a wall, playing music, writing, art, etc. Model ways of entertaining yourself that do not include screen time.

These three actions can start our children down a path of using technology in a healthy manner that will protect them for a lifetime.

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Help, My Teen Wants to Sleep All Day

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“My teen wants to stay up all night and sleep all day.” I’ve heard many parents say this. Maybe you’ve said it yourself. Some parents attribute this tendency to stay up late and “sleep the day away” as “lazy” or “irresponsible.” Me…I’m just jealous. I wish I could sleep all morning, but my internal clock just won’t allow it. Oh wait…that may give us a hint as to what’s going on with our teens as well. Let me explain…but first a little more information about teens and sleep.

The National Institute of Health suggests that teens need about 9 hours of sleep a night. However, a survey of 27,939 suburban high school students in the United States suggests that only 3% of teens get that much sleep. The teens completing the survey averaged 6.5 hours of sleep per night with 20% getting less than five hours of sleep a night. In other words, teens are sleepy. Even worse, with every hour of sleep lost (under an average of 9 hours per night), the teens surveyed showed a 38% increase in the odds of feeling sad or hopeless, a 42% increase in the possibility of considering suicide, a 58% increase in attempting suicide (There is an interesting table about suicide in relation to getting up early for school in Let Teenagers Sleep – Scientific American), and a 23% increase in substance abuse. Those are alarming statistics, aren’t they? Obviously, we need to find a way to help our teens get a good night’s rest.

Back to the “internal clock hint.” Our internal clocks are partially set by the natural release of melatonin in our bodies. According to research, teens have a delayed release of daily melatonin. As a result, they get sleepy later in the evening than adults…and they sleep in longer. In other words, their natural internal clock is set to stay up late and sleep in longer each morning. It’s not laziness or irresponsibility, it’s hormonal changes. Still, teens still have to get up early for school. They still need to get a good night’s rest. So how can we help them get the sleep they need?

  • Establish a healthy bedtime routine before the preteen years. Get your children into a healthy routine that includes slowing down toward the end of the day. This nighttime routine might include talking with you or time reading a book (paper books preferred over digital, by the way). Your children and teens may also benefit from time to talk about and resolve daily stresses and time to express daily gratitude.
  • Avoid “blue light” 2-3 hours before bedtime. You may also want to look at glasses that filter blue light for your teens. (Learn more in How to Manage Blue Light for Better Sleep (webmd.com))
  • Maintain the bedroom as a place for sleep not screens. Keep the video games and TV’s out of the bedroom, which is meant for sleep. Keep them in other living areas designed for play or family interaction. Let the bedroom be a place of rest and sleep.
  • Keep the bedroom dark at night. Turn off the lights. We sleep best in quiet, dark places.
  • Do your best to maintain a calm household, a home free of unnecessary drama. Let your home be a haven of peace and rest, a place where your children know they are safe and accepted.
  • Allow short naps, “power naps,” when needed. Your teen likely comes home from school tired. They may need a short “refresher,” a nap.
  • Talk with your teens about the need for sleep and ask them what would help them get the sleep they need. Your teen is wise. Involve them in the problem-solving process. They may surprise you with creative and effective solutions.

These practices will help initiate the opportunity for your teens to get the sleep they need. What other suggestions would you add?

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Your Child’s Brain on Physical Punishment

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Over 5 decades of research have shown the negative effects of using corporal punishment to discipline our children. Now a study conducted by researchers at Florida State University looks at what happens to the “brain on corporal punishment.” In this study, 149 participants between the ages of 11 to 14 years performed “video game-like tasks and a monetary guessing game” while an EEG recorded their brain waves. Specifically, the EEG assessed the participants neural response to errors and their neural response to rewards. Two years later, the teens and their parents completed a series of questionnaires screening for parenting style as well as the adolescents’ level of anxiety and depression.  

As seen in previous studies, corporal punishment was associated with increased anxiety and depression. However, this study also revealed that corporal punishment was associated with how the participants processed making errors and receiving rewards on a neural level. Specifically,

  • Adolescents who received physical punishments showed a larger neural response to errors. They reacted more strongly to making mistakes.
  • Adolescents who received physical punishment also showed a “blunted response to rewards.” They did not respond as strongly to rewards as those who did not receive physical punishment.

These neural responses directly impact our children’s levels of anxiety and depression. Specifically, an increased response to making errors is associated with anxiety. A decreased response to rewards is related to depression.

In other words, using corporal punishment as a major tool for discipline actually changes how your children respond to making mistakes and how they respond to rewards on a neural level. It changes how your children’s brain functions in processing information about mistakes and rewards. That change increases the risk of anxiety and depression.

So how can you discipline your children without corporal punishment? Without increasing the risk of long-term depression and anxiety? That’s a great question. Here are some resources to help you discover the many alternatives:

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A Word of Warning: It’s In the DNA…Now

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Everyone knows that our children inherit various traits from their parents. For instance, children inherit their parents’ eyes and hair, body build and stature. It’s in the genes, which are segments of DNA. Our children get our DNA and so inherit various family traits. But recent research suggests that parents may also have the power to alter their children’s DNA. Specifically, they can introduce additional instructions onto the DNA that will impact how their children’s internal systems will “read the gene” and respond. No, it doesn’t involve surgery or genetic manipulation. Parents have the power to impact gene expression simply through the manner in which they parent. Let me explain.

Researchers at the University of Leuven interviewed adolescents between the ages of 12 and 16 years of age, dividing them into two groups. One group reported their parents as giving support, age expected autonomy, and affection. This group had “supportive parents.” The second group reported their parents as using physical punishment and manipulative behaviors to get their children to comply to overly strict demands and rules. This group had “harsh parents.” 

The researchers then measured the “range of methylation at more than 450,000 places on the DNA.” Methylation is a normal process in which small chemical molecules become added to the DNA and alter how the instructions of the DNA are read and acted upon. In other words, methylation changes how genes are expressed in ways that, ultimately, other people can observe.

The researchers found that those teens who reported having harsher parents had higher rates of methylation than those who had supportive parents. That higher rate of methylation is also associated with depression. In other words, teens who reported having harsher parents also showed a greater tendency toward depression than those who had supportive parents and that tendency toward depression showed up on a microscopic genetic level. Harsh parenting had changed the genetic and DNA structure of their children.

I offer this information as a simple word of warning. How we parent our children may impact them even down to the genetic level. With that caveat, here are some important parenting tips to keep in mind.

  • Spend time with your children, lots of time. Engage with them in a variety of settings. Laugh with them. Cry with them. Have fun with them. Have serious conversations with them. Enjoy their company as often as possible. Time is one of the most valuable currencies with which our children measure love.
  • Listen to your children. Listen to understand them and how they think. Listen from the developmental level of your child’s mind. Don’t expect your 4-year-old to think like a 16-year-old. Let them think like a 4-year-old and enjoy the fascination and wonder of their 4-year-old mind. In fact, enjoy the wonder of how your children think at every age, from one to twenty-five. Remember, listening involves more than the ears. It involves close observation as well.
  • Set age-appropriate boundaries for their safety. Recognize that those boundaries will change as your children mature. In fact, as your children mature those boundaries often become more like “agreements” shared in mutual respect, especially as they move into and through late adolescence. Let them experience an age appropriate increased in autonomy as they mature.
  • Provide them with healthy physical affection and emotional support. Take a page out of the NBA playbook and give your children the hugs, high fives, and fist bumps they need. Go a step further and give them the emotional support they need to mature and learn to regulate their emotions.
  • Acknowledge their efforts, even if the final product is not what you had imagined. (See My Mom Kept That…Art? to learn more.)
  • Let them experience the consequences of their behavior, the positive consequences of hard work and positive behavior as well as the negative consequences of negative behaviors. Don’t rescue them.

Providing your children with supportive parenting with the practices above will nurture healthy children. It may even bake that emotional health right into their DNA.

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The Gift of Your Child’s Question

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Somewhere in the recesses of my brain I recall the phrase “incessant questioning” used to describe the time of childhood in which children ask question after question after question. When I first heard the phrase, I thought it sounded like the child became irritating in their questions. They just kept asking until the adult became exasperated and gave up.

I began to better understand the depth of this “incessant questioning” as my own children grew and developed. And yes, it became exasperating at times. But I began to realize, and I continue to realize increasingly more as I interact with children, that they’re “incessant questioning” is a gift. It enables them to learn and grow. But it’s also a gift they offer to the one from whom they ask questions. Every time my child or another child asks me a question, they offer me a gift. If they ask you a question, they offer you a gift, a beautiful gift. The gift of trust, love, and insight.

A child’s question is a gift of trust. Children only ask questions of those they trust. They ask questions of the person they believe will take the time to listen to the question and respond with thought and meaning, who will take them and their curiosity serious. They ask questions of the ones they trust will invest in their growing curiosity and knowledge.

In addition, a child’s question is a gift of love. Children only ask questions of those they love and feel safe around. Who wants to approach a stranger or a scary person to ask them a question? Children ask questions of those they know value them and consider them important, people who share a love with them.

Finally, a child’s question is a gift of themselves. In asking us questions, children open themselves up to us. They take a step of vulnerability to reveal their point of growth, the limit of their knowledge. They allow themselves to “not know” something in our presence and open themselves to learn from us. They allow us to witness how they think, what they find curious, and what mental gymnastics are hidden inside their little heads, hidden to everyone but those people to whom they choose to reveal them in the form of a question.

The “incessant questioning” of a child is so much more than constant questioning. It’s a wonderful gift of trust, love, and insight. Best of all, this gift never changes. When our teen asks us a question, it’s a wonderful gift of trust, love, and insight. When our young adult children ask us a question, it’s a wonderful gift of trust, love, and insight. Unwrap it joyfully, carefully, with deep respect for the precious gift they offer.

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Make Green Spaces & Blue Spaces Family Spaces

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Several studies have shown that “green spaces” have a positive impact on our mental health. Green spaces include areas of grass, trees, and other vegetation. These green spaces lower our stress levels. They also contribute to a better mood, greater happiness, and a greater sense of calm. Who doesn’t want a family with less stress, a better mood, greater happiness, and a sense of calm? In other words, getting out into green spaces, the natural spaces in your community, with your family can enhance family life by decreasing stress, improving mood, and creating greater happiness.

A study out of the University of Exeter suggests blue spaces—the spaces around coastal and inland waters, rivers, and lakes—may also benefit our families. Specifically, this study suggests that blue spaces may lead our children to experience a greater sense of well-being even into adulthood.

This study utilized data from over 15,000 people across 18 countries. Each participant recalled their experience around “blue spaces” between the ages of 0-16 years as well as any contact with blue spaces in the last four weeks and their mental health over the last two weeks. The results indicated that people who recalled more childhood “blue space experiences” tended to visit those settings more often as an adult. And that is associated with better mental wellbeing in adulthood. In other words, having positive experiences around “blue spaces” as a child stimulated an inherent joy of nature and encouraged those same people to seek out recreational experiences in nature as an adult. Those experiences, especially around blue spaces, are associated with wellbeing in adulthood.

What does this mean for your family? Involving your child in experiences around rivers, lakes, and coastal waters will increase their comfort level around water and stimulate the experience of joy that will last into adulthood. These childhood experiences will encourage your child to seek out similar “blue space experiences” as an adult and thus contribute to their mental health, even as an adult. So, get out there and enjoy some water sports. Have fun in the water or on the beach. You’ll enjoy the experience and you’ll be promoting a sense of wellbeing that your children will take with them even through adulthood. 

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