Ellen Galinsky, author of The Breakthrough Years, surveyed over 1,600 people between 9 years old and 19 years old and their parents. She collated their answer into five important messages teens want adults to know about them.

One, teens want adults to understand their development. All too often adults view teens as “deficient adults”–immature, moody, or risk-taking little adults. Unfortunately, that’s like calling a toddler ” a deficient preschooler.” Toddlers and preschoolers, like adolescents and adults, are two unique developmental stages in а person’s life. In the adolescent’s unique stage of development, exploration and adventure are necessary. They help the teen individuate, learn about their likes and dislikes, limits, and passions. One researcher noted that teens were “learning to be brave.” I believe they are also learning to be safe, to live their values, to impact their world.

Two, they want adults to talk WITH them, not AT them. They don’t want adults to simply tell them what to do. They want to discuss what to do. They want to be heard and considered in the process of finding a solution together.

Three, teens don’t want to be stereotyped. Even tweens and teens are unique, different from one another. Each teen is an individual with unique strengths and weakness, abilities and needs. Unfortunately adults (all of us I fear) too often lump all teens into same category… and the categories are often negative. For instance, adults often talk as if all teens are impulsive, at risk of addiction to any variety of things, hormonally driven and sexual obsessed, and rebellious. We forget that many teens have come up with creative solutions to community problems because they are willing to break with “the way we’ve always done it.” Many teens volunteer and show extreme kindness. Many teens do not use substances and love the outdoors. Teens have as much unique individuality as adults… Maybe more.

Four, teens want adults to understand their needs. In particular, teens want adults to understand their growing need for autonomy as well as their need for relationships and caring connection. They want adults to understand their need to feel supported & respected, especially by the important adults in their lives. And teens want to find ways to make an important contribution to their home, community, world.

Five teens want to learn stuff that’s useful.  They want to learn skills like goal setting, collaboration, communication, emotional intelligence, and perspective-taking. These skills build success overtime. They contribute to better relationships, effective work environments, greater work success, and healthier marriages and families. Who wouldn’t want to learn these skills!

Now you know these five facts teens want you to know. Think about ways in which you can apply this knowledge into the relationships you share with the teens in your life. You’ll find a greater joy in the relationship when you do.