Tag Archive for healthy development

Our Answer to One Question Determines Our Future

My wife and I were visiting Charleston, North Carolina when we saw this plaque. It reads: “I want people to see children as human beings and not think of the money it costs nor to think of the amount of time it will take, but to think of the lives that can be developed into Americans who will redeem the soul of America and will really make America a great country.” –Septima Clark

Septima Clark did not just make the statement, she walked the talk. She became known as the “Grandmother” of the Civil Rights Movement. She started “Citizenship schools” that taught adult literacy and “citizenship rights.” These schools instilled self-pride, cultural-pride, literacy, and a sense of one’s citizenship rights.

Why do I mention this quote? Because Ms. Clark states truth. Our children thrive when we see them as human beings rather than simply children. We need not think of our children as financial burdens or “little time-suckers.” They are a blessing, a blessing upon which our present and our future rest. They are the ones who will carry our values and priorities into the future. They will redeem our communities and our country.

I remember learning a similar idea in my early college years. I don’t remember the exact quote, but the “gist of the idea” stated that a culture can be redeemed or destroyed in a single generation. The way in which we treat our children, the manner in which we raise them, will have a great determining factor on the course of our future…similar to what Septima Clark implied. Consider:

  • If we treat our children with kindness, they will take kindness into the future. If we treat them harshly, they will take harshness into the future.
  • If we treat our children with respect, they will take respect into the future. If we treat them with disrespect, disrespect will grow more rampant.
  • If we hold our children accountable in an appropriate manner, they will take accountability into the future. If we become overly permissive, they will also become permissive.
  • If we hold our children to age-appropriate expectations for contributing to the family and home, they will continue to see the joy of contributing to a happy home and family. If we become overbearing, harsh, or hold inappropriate expectations of our children, they will carry the same forward…and who wants to live in a community filled with those who are overbearing, harsh, and carry unreasonable expectations.

You get the idea. How we treat our children will determine our future. Let’s begin to think of our children as blessings—lives that can be nurtured to bless others, “lives that can be developed into Americans who will redeem the soul of America and will really make America a great country.”  How will we treat our children? Consider carefully for it’s a question with enormous implications. Our future depends on our answer.

Parental Protection & Your Child’s Resilience

We are experiencing a mental health crisis in our children that began before the pandemic and escalated through the pandemic. Some of this crisis was precipitated by an overemphasis on children’s safety and overprotectiveness on the part of parents. I find it interesting that children enjoyed more freedom in the 1960’s through the 1980’s even though crime was on the rise at that time. In fact, crime seemed to peak in the 1990’s and has since shown a decrease. Of course, there are still crimes but, overall, crime rates have decreased (See the Crime Statistics compiled by Let Grow.)

Still, news continues to catastrophize our awareness of what crimes do exist, contributing to continued and increased fear in parents. This has often led to parental overprotection and less time spent for children to engage in activities unsupervised by parents. This seems to have contributed to unhealthy coping mechanisms in children—less motivation, less ability to deal with problems in healthy ways, less independence, less confidence. The result of these unhealthy coping mechanisms? Anxiety, depression, substance abuse, defiance. I’m not trying to cast blame. We live in a scary world. It’s scary to let our children “go out into the world alone.” However, we also need to communicate confidence in our children’s ability to navigate the world in an age expected manner while teaching them to navigate it in a growing independent manner as they mature. Doing so will implicitly communicate confidence in their ability and will enhance their resilience and health. How can a parent do this?

  • Begin by identifying your own fears. We all have fears. Parenting is a scary business. As you identify your fears, beware of negative filters. Do a little research. Learn about the true crime statistics. Learn about the benefit of unsupervised play for our children’s ability to problem-solve, take healthy risks, and grow more resilient.  As you learn about your filters, you can escape from the extreme thinking that the world is either terribly unsafe or “pollyannishly” safe. You can wisely discern levels of safety and allow your children to engage in activities appropriate for their level of maturity and self-care while teaching them to grow more independent along the way.
  • Allow your children to experience the frustration of difficult situations like going to a new place (one you have researched and determined as safe) on their own. Let them go to the local recreation center without you. Let them walk to the park alone. Let them take a bus to their friend’s house independently. Let them walk to the local grocery store to pick up a few grocery items for you. It’s scary to let them go out alone. But by letting them go independently (after you have taught them how) they grow rightfully and wisely confident in their own abilities and strengths.
  • Encourage your children’s curiosity. Encourage them to explore places and thoughts. Let them learn about ideas and locations.
  • Listen to what your children want to do and negotiate the parameters. Teach them to think through an activity or outing before embarking on that outing. Teach them to consider the possibilities and prepare.

It’s one of the biggest parenting challenges we face: letting our children grow independent. The first walk to school without a parent, the first walk to the park alone, their first independent trip to the grocery store, their first time driving alone…it all arouses a parent’s anxiety (at least it did for me). But we have to teach them the skills they need to “go at it alone” and trust that they have learned. We have to trust we have taught them well. Trust they have learned. Trust they will implement that knowledge. And let them go. Each time they do, our trust will grow, and their confidence and resilience will grow as well.

Children Need the Sound of Silence

Children’s brains are on a developmental fast track. Their brains are evolving, pruning, and shaping…at an amazing rate. You can see it in their changing abilities and growing knowledge every day. Interestingly, sounds have meaning to our brain and our brain seeks to understand that meaning.  For instance, the sound of a speeding car when I’m at an intersection means be cautious. The sound of gunshots means beware. The sound of a baby crying arouses empathy and causes me to look around. Other sounds provide information we deem unnecessary for the moment, so we move them to the background—the ongoing buzz of traffic in the distance, the sound of birds chirping in the yard. As I write, the sound of construction “down the street” causes me to take note. I need to go a different way when I go to the store. Now move the bang and hum of construction into the background of my awareness and continue with my work.

Whatever the sound, our brains take notice. In fact, the “brain has to work overtime to ignore sounds.” The energy invested in ignoring sounds means less energy available for learning. This is especially true for young brains. Studies have shown that excessive noise can interfere with children’s ability to understand speech and comprehend what someone else is saying. It interferes with the ability to recall information from a visually presented list, and it interferes with reading. These studies also reveal that chronic noise contributes to children’s lower performance in verbal tasks and reading. In other words, noise interferes with our children’s ability to learn.

One study in the 1970’s (described in How a Little Silence in Children’s Lives Helps Them Grow) actually found that soundproofing a classroom near noisy train tracks actually led to improved test scores.

Why do I tell you this? Because we live in a noisy world and our children will benefit from a little more silence in their lives. They will learn more easily with a little more silence in the world. More importantly, you can provide a safe haven of quiet for your children in your home. You can develop a quiet environment in your home by:

  • Reducing loud arguments. Learn to talk about problems rather than yell and scream. Keep your tone respectful and loving, even in the midst of disagreement.
  • Discipline respectfully and politely. Don’t yell. Train your children to respond to a firm voice, not a loud voice. (I know. There will be times with loud arguing and even loud discipline in our homes; but keep them to a minimum. Make it a goal to disagree and discipline in respectful tones rather than loud tones more often than not.)
  • Turn off the TV and enjoy undistracted interactions with your children. Also, turn off the TV during homework time. Limit the noise distractions while your children complete their homework.
  • Turn the TV down. Even when you watch TV, turn the volume down rather than leave it loud enough to “hear in the other room.”  
  • Consider the timing of various activities. You don’t want one child practicing the drums while the other child is trying to complete their reading assignment. Coordinate activities.
  • Go for a walk in the woods with your family. Enjoy the sounds of nature. Nature has a healing effect in and of itself, especially the sounds of nature.
  • Go to the library to read.
  • Make bedtime a quiet time—no televisions, radios, or cellphones playing in the room.

Of course, we will encounter noise. We live in a noisy society. But do your best to make your home environment a place of peace with moments of quiet and even silence. Let your children hear the sounds of silence and learn without the distraction of noise. Their brains will appreciate the chance to invest energy in learning and growing without having to invest energy in combatting the noise. And your whole family will enjoy the calm of enjoying silence together.

What If We Treated Life Like We Treat Sleep?

I was reading Why Sleep Matters for Kids’ Bodies and Brains. The author noted that “kids don’t sleep enough.” She quoted Rafael Pelayo, a sleep expert, as saying, “Whenever I tell people that my work is on sleep, people say things, like, ‘I love to sleep.’ That’s an odd thing to say, because it’s like saying you’re fond of oxygen.” Sleep is as important as oxygen. We need it to survive. Yet we tend to think of it as an enjoyable thing we don’t get enough of. Fact is: sleep-deprivation is associated with a host of physical and mental ailments. We need sleep to live healthy, happy lives.  

A little later in the article, the sleep expert compared people’s thoughts about their need for sleep with their thoughts about food. He said, “You don’t say to your kids, ‘Eat whatever you want on Saturday or Sunday, because I’m going to starve you Monday to Friday. Yet that’s the way we treat sleep.” What? He’s right. We let our children stay up late and force them to get up early Monday through Friday, limiting their sleep time and then allowing them to sleep all day Saturday and Sunday. Unfortunately, “it doesn’t work that way.” We don’t catch up on our sleep. We’ve starved their need for sleep during the week and gorged on the weekend. Not a healthy diet of sleep.

He also noted that we dream in the last quarter of the night. So when we awaken children early, we interfere with the dream cycle of their sleep. We are “dream-depriving them.” He then goes on to say, “It’s a platitude we say to teenagers all of the time: we want you to follow your dreams. But we cut off the ability to dream with the schedules we impose on them.”

Those statements “got me wondering.” How else do we treat sleep in ways wildly contradictory to the rest of life. Consider these examples:

  • We need to model good sleep habits for our children, but we often don’t make great sleep role models. We live in a world that does not value sleep.  I’ve even heard people pridefully talk about how little sleep they got last night to highlight their dedication to the current activity or the busyness of their work. Such statements do not model good sleep habits. Such actions and statements basically tell our children to “Do as I say, not as I do.” Who would smoke a cigarette and tell their child to “Do as I say, not as I do” and expect they won’t try smoking?
  • Sometimes we reward our children with the “privilege” of staying up late. If they finish their homework, help clean the kitchen, or behave appropriately all day, they can stay up late and skip some of their needed time of sleep. That’s like telling our children, “Do a good job and you can engage in this unhealthy practice of sleep-deprivation.” It would be like sitting at the dinner table and saying, “If you eat all your donuts, you don’t have to eat your vegetables.”
  • Times get busy and sleep gets put on the back burner. But remember, sleep is essential for our mental, emotional, and physical health. Without sleep, we struggle. Yet, we put it on a back burner compared to other things in our lives—work, school, athletics, music, socialization, TV, gaming, social media. What if we did the same when it came to using the bathroom? “Don’t take time to go to the bathroom, just do your work.” “Don’t quit gaming when you ‘need to go.’ Hold it. You’ll be fine.” The outcome would be less than desirable. When we put sleep on a back burner to our other interests, the outcome is just as undesirable. It’s a disaster.  

I know those statements sound silly when applied to parts of life other than sleep. But they should sound just as silly when applied to sleep. Sleep is crucial to our health. Make it a priority in your family. You, your spouse, and your children will be glad you did.

What’s Wrong with Kids Today?

In 2021, the American Academy of Pediatrics, along with the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and the Children’s Hospital Association issued a “joint statement to the Biden administration that child and adolescent mental health be declared a ‘national emergency.'” Children and teens suffer from rates of depression and anxiety that have increased over the last five decades. Although several factors have been identified as contributing to the decline in children’s mental health, a study review published in February, 2023, suggests that a steady decline in children’s opportunity to engage in self-directed play, exploration, and activities meaningful to the functioning of family and community, independent of adult control and oversight, are major contributors.

At one time, small groups of children walked or biked to school with little to no adult supervision. They engaged in meaningful part-time jobs by the time they reached their preteen years, jobs such as babysitting, managing a paper route, or lawn care. Children spent large chunks of time away from adults riding their bikes, exploring the community or nearby woods, and “hanging out” with friends. The message inherent from adults to children engaged in these activities is that children are competent, responsible, resourceful, and resilient. Unfortunately, the inherent message to children today is that children need supervision and protection because the world is not safe…messages that arouse anxieties and fears. But is it really true that the world is less safe today? According to statistics, our children are safer today than they were in the 1980’s. Crime rate peaked in 1991 and has been declining ever since. The murder rate today is about half of what it was in the 1990’s. Child abductions are rare. Most missing children end up being runaways, not abducted. (For more on child safety today, see Myth-Busting: Let Grow Looks at Common Child Safety Myths and Facts.) Yet, we continue to give our children the message that the world is not safe, “you need” our supervision and protection.  As a result, our children have less opportunities to engage in age-appropriate risky behaviors, behaviors that provide them the opportunity to test and learn the limits of their physical abilities as well as how to trust in their own competence and resourcefulness, skills that boost their self-confidence and protect them from developing phobias and anxieties.

With all this in mind, let your children play. Let them engage in age appropriate, independent play and exploration. Let them enjoy a pick-up game with their friends. Allow them to go on a bike ride without you. Sure, teach them the skills they need to be safe, but let them go it alone at an age-appropriate level. It will provide them with opportunities to experience more happiness and feel like they make a meaningful contribution to their family and community. It will also help them grow a “head taller than themselves.”

Use With Caution

The cell phone, screen time, social media… we hear report after report about how each of these technologies impact our children. It’s a complicated issue…and a huge issue for anyone raising children today. So when I come across new information about the impact of technology on our children, both positive and negative, I like to pass it along to you. Recently, I found two studies published in early 2023 that I wanted to share with you.

First, a study out of the University of North Carolina recruited 169 middle school students and followed them for three years to assess the impact of three social media platforms—Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat—on their sensitivity to feedback. At the start of the study, researchers asked each participant how often they checked the three social platforms. The answers ranged from once a day to over twenty times a day. (Other studies have shown 78% of teens report checking their social media sites at least hourly and 35% report using a social media site “almost constantly.”) Every year of the three-year study, participants underwent brain imaging sessions while completing a task to measure their brain activity when anticipating social feedback from peers.  This data revealed that children who grow up checking their social media more often become hypersensitive to feedback from their peers, their sensitivity to social rewards and punishment was altered. Becoming hypersensitive to peer feedback may increase a teen’s tendency to give in to peer pressure—whether negative or positive pressure.

A second longitudinal study looked at the data from 506 children in Singapore. Specifically, the parents of the children were asked to report the average amount of screen time their 12-month-old children consumed on weekdays and weekends. The children were then divided into four groups based on screen time: 1) less than one hour, 2) 1-2 hours, 3) 2-4 hours, and 4) more than 4 hours.  At 18-months, each child underwent an EEG to measure brain activity. In addition, each child completed various tests to measure attention span and executive functioning at 9-years-old. After comparing all the data collected, the research suggests that the more screen time a child was subjected to as an infant, the greater the altered brain activity and the more deficits were noted in the measures of attention span and executive functioning. These deficits may translate into difficulty controlling impulses, difficulty sustaining attention, difficulty following through with multi-step instructions, and difficulty persisting in hard tasks.

Our children and teens go through sensitive periods of brain development. How screen time and social media are used during those times can impact their brain development and, as a result, their behaviors. With this information in mind, our children will benefit from careful monitoring of their screen time and education on the healthy use of screens.

Cell phones, screen time, social media…they are not going away. But we must teach our children to manage this technology for their healthy development. With that in mind,

  • Become a good role model in managing screen time and social media use. Remember, the internet can be a risk and an opportunity for your child, depending on how you and your children manage it. How your children manage it begins with how you model managing it in your own life.
  • Rather than constantly fighting your teen over screen time, encourage their involvement in physical activities. For instance, they might join a sport team, go for a bike ride, enjoy a “pick up game” with peers, or start using a gym membership. Read Take Your Teen From Screen Time to “Exer-Time” for more details on how physical activity alters the impact of screen time.
  • Don’t use screens to distract your children. Instead, engage them in the restaurant while you wait for your food. Play games or talk in the car on trips (whether short trips to the store or long trips). Teach your children to find ways other than the use of screens to manage their boredom–things like card games, going for a walk, playing catch off a wall, playing music, writing, art, etc. Model ways of entertaining yourself that do not include screen time.

These three actions can start our children down a path of using technology in a healthy manner that will protect them for a lifetime.

Help, My Teen Wants to Sleep All Day

“My teen wants to stay up all night and sleep all day.” I’ve heard many parents say this. Maybe you’ve said it yourself. Some parents attribute this tendency to stay up late and “sleep the day away” as “lazy” or “irresponsible.” Me…I’m just jealous. I wish I could sleep all morning, but my internal clock just won’t allow it. Oh wait…that may give us a hint as to what’s going on with our teens as well. Let me explain…but first a little more information about teens and sleep.

The National Institute of Health suggests that teens need about 9 hours of sleep a night. However, a survey of 27,939 suburban high school students in the United States suggests that only 3% of teens get that much sleep. The teens completing the survey averaged 6.5 hours of sleep per night with 20% getting less than five hours of sleep a night. In other words, teens are sleepy. Even worse, with every hour of sleep lost (under an average of 9 hours per night), the teens surveyed showed a 38% increase in the odds of feeling sad or hopeless, a 42% increase in the possibility of considering suicide, a 58% increase in attempting suicide (There is an interesting table about suicide in relation to getting up early for school in Let Teenagers Sleep – Scientific American), and a 23% increase in substance abuse. Those are alarming statistics, aren’t they? Obviously, we need to find a way to help our teens get a good night’s rest.

Back to the “internal clock hint.” Our internal clocks are partially set by the natural release of melatonin in our bodies. According to research, teens have a delayed release of daily melatonin. As a result, they get sleepy later in the evening than adults…and they sleep in longer. In other words, their natural internal clock is set to stay up late and sleep in longer each morning. It’s not laziness or irresponsibility, it’s hormonal changes. Still, teens still have to get up early for school. They still need to get a good night’s rest. So how can we help them get the sleep they need?

  • Establish a healthy bedtime routine before the preteen years. Get your children into a healthy routine that includes slowing down toward the end of the day. This nighttime routine might include talking with you or time reading a book (paper books preferred over digital, by the way). Your children and teens may also benefit from time to talk about and resolve daily stresses and time to express daily gratitude.
  • Avoid “blue light” 2-3 hours before bedtime. You may also want to look at glasses that filter blue light for your teens. (Learn more in How to Manage Blue Light for Better Sleep (webmd.com))
  • Maintain the bedroom as a place for sleep not screens. Keep the video games and TV’s out of the bedroom, which is meant for sleep. Keep them in other living areas designed for play or family interaction. Let the bedroom be a place of rest and sleep.
  • Keep the bedroom dark at night. Turn off the lights. We sleep best in quiet, dark places.
  • Do your best to maintain a calm household, a home free of unnecessary drama. Let your home be a haven of peace and rest, a place where your children know they are safe and accepted.
  • Allow short naps, “power naps,” when needed. Your teen likely comes home from school tired. They may need a short “refresher,” a nap.
  • Talk with your teens about the need for sleep and ask them what would help them get the sleep they need. Your teen is wise. Involve them in the problem-solving process. They may surprise you with creative and effective solutions.

These practices will help initiate the opportunity for your teens to get the sleep they need. What other suggestions would you add?

Reduce Family Stress with This Simple Activity

Our families experience an amazing amount of stress in today’s world. We are rushed and pressured from multiple angles—work demands, school demands, sports involvement, 24-hour news feeds, church and community involvement…. The list goes on. Demands and expectations from so many areas impinge upon our lives and increase our stress and our families’ stress. In fact, a whole market has evolved to help us learn to manage our stress.

In the midst of all this, a simple activity arises as an easy way to help your family feel less stressed. The American Heart Association’s Healthy for Good movement completed a nation-wide survey of 1,000 adults in the U.S. to affirm the effectiveness of this activity in reducing stress in a family. What is that activity?  Having regular family meals.

That’s right, sharing a family meal on a regular basis. A full 91% of the survey respondents said their family felt less stressed when they ate together. The respondents also reported that sharing a meal reminded them of the importance of connecting (67%) with others and to slow down in order to take a break [54%]. In addition, respondents reported that sharing meals with others encouraged them to make healthier food choices [59%].


In other words, connecting with family by sharing regular meals together can reduce stress, increase connection, and contribute to healthier food choices. All of this will contribute to greater physical and emotional health for your family as well as greater family intimacy. Sounds like a “no-brainer,” doesn’t it? Sit down with your family and enjoy sharing a family meal every chance you get.

P.S. If you’re looking for ways to make family meals more enjoyable and simple, visit the American Heart Association’s Together Tuesday, for some excellent ideas.

A Tough Old Teddy Bear

My friend was a tough old guy, a Seabee in the Pacific during WWII. I remember when he asked me to spar with him. I was in my mid-twenties and taking martial arts training. Of course, I refused. After all, he was retired, grey haired and well…old. He persisted, but I stood my ground. Finally, to my relief, he relented and offered to simply shake hands rather than spar. Naively, I shook his hand. I really don’t know what happened next. All I know is that suddenly I was off balance, my back pressed against his chest, one of his arms around my neck, and the other in my back. My hands held tight to his arm around my neck so I wouldn’t fall.

“Now all I have to do is squeeze my arm like this.” His arm tightened slightly on my neck as he continued, “and you’d pass out in 30 seconds.” Then he gently stood me up and turned me around…still shaking my hand. He smiled and we both laughed as he gently teased me about martial arts. He was a tough old guy.

Well…he was a tough old guy until his wife or some children came around. Then, he became a teddy bear. He spoke gently and adoringly to his wife. He played games and talked with the children. They loved him. After church they all came running to give him a hug and tell him of their most recent adventures. Even as an adult I loved to talk to him and share our days. He was a tough old teddy bear who taught me important life lessons.

Perhaps one of the most important lessons I learned from him is that a “real man,” a “man’s man” so to speak, is a tough old teddy bear. A study out of Emory University agrees and offers a single explanation for the tough guy who shows the gentle affection of a teddy bear. They found that a single male hormone will produce either aggression or cuddling behavior depending on the social context. What’s the hormone? Testosterone. In this study, testosterone enhanced aggressive behaviors in the context of defending territory and important relationships. But testosterone also enhanced affectionate (cuddling) behavior in the context of children and family. In other words, my friend was a “man’s man,” both tough and affection, protective and cuddling, because of testosterone (at least in part). He could stand tough to protect those he loved but he could gently share affection with those he loved as well. And testosterone, the “male hormone,” seems to play a role in both these male traits. I mention this because it is important for us to teach our sons that a “man’s man” can be both protective and nurturing, tough and caring. In fact, men are biologically equipped to be both. Isn’t it time to give our sons and our fathers permission to be both? Our world needs more “tough old teddy bears” today.

Your Child’s Executive Functioning Needs to Go On a Diet

If you want your infant to develop healthy executive functioning (things like healthy working memory, planning abilities, organizing abilities, and behavioral inhibition) as they mature, you may want to put their executive functioning on a diet, a healthy diet. A study utilizing the data of 294 families involved in the STRONG Kids2 birth cohort study found the diet of 18-to 24-month-old infants correlated with their executive functioning. In this study, infants who ate more sugary snacks and processed foods were more likely to have problems with emotional control, behavioral inhibition, and planning and organizing—all components of executive functioning. That may not seem like a big deal for 2-year-olds. After all, “Kids will be kids.” But previous research suggests that children who had a higher consumption of sugary, processed foods also scored lower on academic tests than those who ate a healthy diet.  And another study found that a healthy diet was associated with better executive functioning than a diet high in snack foods in both children and adolescents.

What’s the takeaway for our families? If we want our children to develop optimal executive functioning skills in the present and in the future–if we want our children to exhibit their greatest abilities to plan, organize, inhibit unwanted behaviors, and effectively manage emotions–put away the donuts, chips, and cookies. Have healthy snacks and drinks on hand instead. Keep a fresh supply of fruits, nuts, and water for your children to snack on. You’ll be nurturing better executive functioning which, in the long run, means greater academic success and healthier social relationships. Go ahead…have a snack…there’s apples in the fridge.

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