Archive for February 27, 2023

The Humility of Listening

We all have a desire to be heard. That sounds like such a simple desire, doesn’t it?  But “to be heard” is more than having people within earshot to hear our voice and the words we verbalize. We also want them to understand what we are saying—to truly comprehend the meaning, the intent, and the significance of what we are saying. Even more, we want them to recognize the impact of our words and so accept our influence. We want others to respond to our words in a way that we know they consider our words as important and significant. This deeper desire to be heard is doubly true when it comes to our marriage and family.

Does that sound dramatic? Consider an example. In the presence of your spouse you say, “It’s a beautiful day today.”

  • If your spouse does not respond, you look toward them to see if they heard you. When you see them immersed in something else—the paper, the TV, their work, the game on their phone—for the umpteenth time, you begin to feel unimportant, devalued. You feel as if they care more about their own interests than they care about you. You feel as if you have no import, no influence in their life. “I should have known,” you think to yourself. “Everything is always more important than me.”
  • Or imagine your spouse responds with an irritated, even angry response: “What? It’s cold out there. You see the sun and automatically think it’s nice but it’s too cold to go outside. That’s your problem. You never look at the whole picture.” Once again, you leave feeling unheard, unappreciated, even unimportant. 
  • Maybe your spouse looks up from the paper and responds. “You’re right. It’s a beautiful sunny day outside.”  As they speak, they take a moment to look out the window at the sunny day. They have listened. They have allowed your words to influence them in the moment. They have responded. They have heard.

This deep desire to feel heard points out a wonderful opportunity to show kindness. Ironically, it’s a kindness that enhances the humility of both the speaker and the listener. Let me explain. In a study published in 2021, 242 participants were randomly assigned into 121 dyads. These dyads were then assigned to a “good listening” or a “poor listening” condition. In the poor listening condition, the listener was instructed to act distracted while the other person talked for 10 minutes about a recent experience. The “good listener” was told to listen as if the speaker was telling them “the most interesting things they had ever heard.” In other words, the good listener was to listen with curiosity. Of course, those who were listened to with curiosity reported feeling “more heard.” However, the study was about more than simply “feeling heard” by the other person. It was about humility as well. This study found that when a person listened with curiosity, several things happened.

  1. The speaker perceived the curious listener as more humble.
  2. The curious listener perceived the speaker as more humble. Both perceived the other as more humble when one person listened with curiosity. And…
  3. The curious listener perceived themselves as more humble.
  4. The speaker perceived themselves as more humble. In other words, both perceived themselves as acting more humbly when one listened with curiosity.

Think of that for a moment. When I listen to my spouse with deep curiosity, both of us experience an increase in humility and perceive the other as more humble. And—here’s the kicker—humility in marriage strengthens marriage. So, next time your spouse opens the door with a simple statement, don’t let your eyes glaze over and ignore them. Look at them with delight in your eyes and, with the curiosity of hearing the most interesting information you’ve ever heard, listen intently. It’s an act of kindness from which everyone grows.

Make Green Spaces & Blue Spaces Family Spaces

Several studies have shown that “green spaces” have a positive impact on our mental health. Green spaces include areas of grass, trees, and other vegetation. These green spaces lower our stress levels. They also contribute to a better mood, greater happiness, and a greater sense of calm. Who doesn’t want a family with less stress, a better mood, greater happiness, and a sense of calm? In other words, getting out into green spaces, the natural spaces in your community, with your family can enhance family life by decreasing stress, improving mood, and creating greater happiness.

A study out of the University of Exeter suggests blue spaces—the spaces around coastal and inland waters, rivers, and lakes—may also benefit our families. Specifically, this study suggests that blue spaces may lead our children to experience a greater sense of well-being even into adulthood.

This study utilized data from over 15,000 people across 18 countries. Each participant recalled their experience around “blue spaces” between the ages of 0-16 years as well as any contact with blue spaces in the last four weeks and their mental health over the last two weeks. The results indicated that people who recalled more childhood “blue space experiences” tended to visit those settings more often as an adult. And that is associated with better mental wellbeing in adulthood. In other words, having positive experiences around “blue spaces” as a child stimulated an inherent joy of nature and encouraged those same people to seek out recreational experiences in nature as an adult. Those experiences, especially around blue spaces, are associated with wellbeing in adulthood.

What does this mean for your family? Involving your child in experiences around rivers, lakes, and coastal waters will increase their comfort level around water and stimulate the experience of joy that will last into adulthood. These childhood experiences will encourage your child to seek out similar “blue space experiences” as an adult and thus contribute to their mental health, even as an adult. So, get out there and enjoy some water sports. Have fun in the water or on the beach. You’ll enjoy the experience and you’ll be promoting a sense of wellbeing that your children will take with them even through adulthood. 

Lay the Foundation for a Lifetime Relationship

What kind of relationship do you want to have with your child when they become young adults? It’s good to start thinking about your answer to that question before your children leave for college, because you’re finishing up the foundation for that relationship during the adolescent years. In fact, research from Penn State followed 1,631 families while their children progressed through adolescence (6th to 12th grade) into young adulthood (22-years-old). The researchers discovered that parents often express less warmth and affection to their teens. They also spent less time with their teen and engage in harsher punishment toward them. This hindered their relationship as their child moved into young adulthood.

On the other hand, when parents maintained positive forms of parenting and involvement in their teens’ lives, they laid a foundation for a strong relationship with their them in their adult years. What are the “positive forms of parenting” that laid a strong foundation?

  • Involvement. We need to remain involved in our teens’ lives. The way we remain involved may change as our teens strive for independence and autonomy. But they still need, and want, our involvement in their lives. You can maintain your involvement in your teen’s life by doing things together—sports, bike riding, making music, going to concerts, gaming, cooking, going out for dessert…the list goes on. Be creative. Find things you can enjoy doing together and do them. Stay involved.
  • Share affection. Teens who reported higher levels of parental warmth and affection also reported feeling closer to their parents as adults. So let your teens know you love them. Tell them “I love you.” Give them a hug as they leave for the day and a hug good night. Give them a pat on the back…just because.  Take a page from the NBA playbook and share some affection, verbally and physically.
  • Utilize balanced and effective discipline. Rather than yell and lecture, offer consistent and rational reasons for the rules and consequences. Stay as calm as you can if they question those rules and consequences. In fact, take time to listen to your teen’s reasons for making a change in the rules. They may offer an excellent reason for change. When appropriate, compromise or even change a rule that has become outdated as your teen matures. Throughout the process, remain respectful of your teen. Model the polite, respectful interaction you desire from them.

These three practices may pose a challenge at various times as your teen stretches for independence and autonomy. But as you remain involved, share affection, and utilize balanced discipline you can look forward to enjoying a positive, loving relationship with your teen well into their adult life.

The Power of a Simple Thank You

When encouraging married couples to express gratitude to one another, one or both of them often asks, “Why should I thank my spouse for something they should do anyway?” For one thing, because every thank you is a deposit in the Family Bank of Honor…and every deposit strengthens your marriage. For a second reason, read Why Thank Your Spouse for Doing Chores. And now, a 15-month study from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign offers another compelling reason to express gratitude to your spouse. This study examined the impact of expressing gratitude and perceiving gratitude on a couple’s relationship. The couples were observed over a 15-month period and completed surveyed three times: once at the beginning of the 15 months, once at 8 months, and once at the end of the 15 months. Each survey gathered information about the couple’s level of arguing, conflict resolution, expressions of gratitude, perceived gratitude, and financial strain. Based on the surveys, the researchers shared several interesting findings.

  • Individuals with higher levels of expressed and perceived gratitude were more satisfied with their relationship.
  • Individuals with higher levels of expressed and perceived gratitude were also more confident in the future of their relationship.
  • They also reported fewer discussions or even thoughts about breaking up.
  • Higher levels of perceived gratitude buffered the individual and couple against the stress of financial strain and ineffective arguing. In other words, perceiving that your partner appreciates you (perceived gratitude) contributed to feeling less stressed about financial strain or ineffective arguing.  (Expressed gratitude did not have this effect.)

In other words, if you want to maintain a high level of satisfaction in your marriage, express gratitude to your spouse AND recognize when they express gratitude to you. In fact, make the expression of gratitude a hallmark of your relationship, a daily practice of identifying opportunities to express gratitude and then doing so. Not only will this increase your marital satisfaction, it will also help you manage the stress of finances and disagreements more effectively. To put it simply…. “Why should I thank my spouse for something they should be doing anyway?” Because it makes for a happier, healthier, and more intimate marriage.

The Kindness Connection

We all experience days of sorrow, and, if you’re like me, maybe even periods of feeling down-right depressed. These periods can impact our marriages and our families. What can you do about those times when you’re feeling down? A study conducted at Ohio State University and entitled Healing through helping: an experimental investigation of kindness, social activities, and reappraisal as well-being interventions (read review here) offers an amazing solution. This study divided 122 people into three groups.

  • One group planned social activities for two days a week and participated in those activities.
  • A second group kept records of their thoughts for at least two days a week, identifying negative thought patterns and revising them in a way that could reduce anxiety and depression.
  • A third group performed three acts of kindness two days each week, three on each day. These acts of kindness could be “big or small acts that benefit others or make others happy, typically at some cost to you in terms of time or resources.”

Participants chosen exhibited moderate to severe symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress at the start of the study. After engaging in their assigned activities for five weeks, they were evaluated again. Then, after an additional five weeks (that’s 10 weeks after the start of the study), the participants were evaluated to see if the interventions remained effective.

All the participants showed greater life satisfaction and fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety after 10 weeks. Although all the interventions led to improvement, engaging in acts of kindness led to even greater life satisfaction and even fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety than did changing one’s thoughts. And, most importantly, engaging in acts of kindness resulted in greater social connection than either of the other two groups. People engaging in acts of kindness felt more socially connected than did those in the other two groups and social connection is crucial for our long-term well-being.

What does this have to do with marriage? Well, here’s the thing: marriage will flourish when we have a deep connection. Depression and anxiety can weaken that connection…as can busyness or distraction. You can change how you think and make your spouse and marriage a greater priority…and that will help. You can also plan some outings with your spouse, things like dates and family outings. That will also help. But if you really want to grow more deeply connected with your spouse, practice acts of kindness on a regular basis. After all, acts of kindness led to even greater life satisfaction and even fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety than did simply changing one’s thoughts. AND it led to greater social connection. Who doesn’t want a deeper connection with their spouse? So, engage in acts of kindness. In the study, they did this only two days a week. I suggest you find a way to show kindness to your spouse every day. Make it a daily habit. It’s not that hard. Show politeness. Help around the house. Do them a favor. Give them a drink. (If you get stuck for ideas, read 31 Acts of Kindness to Strengthen Your Marriage.) Focus on being kind in your actions and words. You will experience a growing sense of connection you will both enjoy.

Don’t “Blow Up” Your Marriage

None of us want to “blow up” our marriage. But too many of us do “blow up” our marriage before we even realize it. How? By spending too much time on our cell phones, getting too caught up in social media, spending too much time scrolling. The “technical” term for this is technoference. It sounds benign, but the time spent on social media distracts from potential time with our spouses and families. It can lead to disconnection…and disconnection can lead to the “blow up.” It’s a dangerous pattern: distraction “blowing up” into disconnection that may “blow up” into dissolution or divorce. In fact, one survey (See Opinion: The biggest weapon of mass distraction in marriage? Your cellphone) found 62% of respondents felt technoference was a problem in their family. 45% thought it a problem in their marriage. 48% of respondents wished their spouse spent less time on their cellphone and more time with their children. Cell phones and the related technoference are blowing up our marriages.

A study conducted by the Mental Health Research and Treatment Center at Ruhr-Universitat Bochum offers a remedy to combat the effects of technoference. They confirmed the effectiveness of this remedy in a study involving 642 volunteers randomly assigned to one of four groups:

  • Group one reduced social media consumption by 30 minutes a day for two weeks.
  • Group two increased physical activity by 30 minutes a day for two weeks.
  • Group three replaced 30 minutes a day of social media consumption with 30 minutes of physical activity.
  • Group four didn’t change a thing.

Before the two weeks, during the two weeks, and six months after the two weeks, participants responded to online surveys about social media use, physical activity, satisfaction with life, subjective feelings of happiness, depressive symptoms, and cigarette consumption.

The results? Immediately after the two weeks of changed behavior, the groups reducing social media use (group one) and the groups increasing physical activity (group two) showed a positive increase in a person’s sense of well-being. A positive result, but the group that replaced social media use with physical activity (group three) showed an even broader positive result. This group experienced an increase in satisfaction with life, an increase in feelings of happiness, and a reduction in symptoms of depression.  Even better, these effects were still present 6 months later!

Interestingly, 6 months after the two-week behavior change, participants still spent less time on social media. Those that either reduced social media use or increased physical activity had reduced their social media use by 30 minutes at the six-month point. Those who had replaced 30 minutes of social media use with physical activity spent 45 minutes less time on social media and an hour and 39 minutes more in physical activity than they had prior to the experiment.

What does that have to do with your marriage? Less time on social media means less opportunity to phub your spouse, less jealousy, and more quality time with your spouse. To receive the full benefit seen in this study, replace those 30 minutes of cell phone usage with 30 minutes of physical activity with your spouse—go for a walk together, jog together, ride your bike and have a picnic together—anything to get physically active…together. Then, after two weeks take a personal inventory about how you feel personally and in your relationship with your spouse. You might feel so good about yourself and your relationship that you’ll keep it up as a part of life. I hope so. So don’t let technoference “blow up” your marriage. Accept a two-week challenge to replace 30 minutes of cell phone usage with physical activity with your spouse and see how it impacts your marriage. ENJOY your marriage, not your phone.

2 Lies I Hear About Marriage

Over the years, I have heard many lies about marriage. In counseling couples, the lies I hear are often justifications of what the person really intends to do or a pleading for the other person to step up and show their love. There are two lies I have heard most often though.

  1. Marriage is hard work.
  2. Marriage shouldn’t be so hard. If it’s this hard it must mean we’re not meant to be together.

Both statements are lies…half-truths at best. Let me explain.

  1. “Marriage is hard work.” Marriage is not meant to be “hard work.” You’re not meant to go to bed tired because you “worked on your marriage all day.”  In reality, we do not need to work on our marriage; we need to work on ourselves. We need to do the personal work necessary to grow in our ability to be aware of our spouse’s emotions, needs, and desires.

We need to work to grow more humble—humble enough to allow our spouse to influence us, humble enough to admit when we are wrong, humble enough to change in ways that will please our spouse and make us more mature individuals.

We need to work at developing an attitude of adoration for others (including our spouses) rather than become jealous of others (including our spouses). We need to work on practicing gratitude for even the smallest gestures of love and the smallest gifts of life. 

We need to work at improving our ability to listen…deeply and intently listen. That will require listening to ourselves as well as others. Which means we need to work at becoming totally honest with ourselves as well as others. It’s hard to be honest with others when we can’t even be honest with ourselves. Self-honesty demands work.

Growing more mature, becoming a person of greater integrity, is hard and demanding work. But, when you do the hard work of becoming a more mature individual, you have more to offer your spouse and your marriage. You can more easily manage disagreements and struggles as they arise. You can respect and maintain boundaries. You can communicate. When you do the hard work of maturing as an individual, marriage is not so much hard work. In fact, the best marriages are made up of two people who have done, and continue to do, the hard work of personal growth. For them, marriage is a blessing, icing on the cake, the joy that makes the hard work of personal growth well worth the effort.

  • “Marriage is easy.” It may sound contradictory after I just said marriage is not hard work, but marriage is not “easy” either. Marriage is not “easy,” it’s an investment. No investment is “easy.” Investments require sacrifice. A good investment means we have to give up one thing in the moment to gain a greater dividend in the future. For instance, we may give up the short-term pleasure of a weekend hunting trip or a weekend with the girls to gain the long-term security of an intimate marriage. That kind of investment requires us to do the personal work of growing as an individual. Marriage is an investment that requires sacrifice. 

Marriage is not “easy,” it’s intentional. In healthy marriages, both partners intentionally determine to invest in their marriage. We intentionally invest in becoming a team with our spouse. We operate as a team. We communicate as a team. We think like a team. It’s no longer “me” and “my” but “we” and “us” in life.

Marriage is not “easy,” it’s a lifestyle of commitment. In marriage, we commit to our marriage and our spouse. We develop a lifestyle filled with routines that elevate and prioritize our marriage. This lifestyle becomes our “norm.”  That’s not hard. It’s “normal.” Sure, it comes with its share of struggles now and again. Those struggles point us back to our need to work on our individual maturity, our growing ability to intentionally invest in a lifestyle of nurturing our marriage. Ultimately, marriage is not hard nor is it easy. It is an intentional investment that becomes our lifestyle…and ultimately it becomes our greatest joy.

A Special Note to Fathers

Congratulations. Being a father is one of the greatest joys you will ever experience…if you jump all in and get involved. Don’t stand back timidly watching as “the women” do the “baby work.” Jump in. Add your own flavor of playful interaction to the mix. You, your child, and your wife will reap the benefits of your active involvement. If you’re not quite sure what to do, start with these suggestions.

  1. Observe your baby. Enjoy gazing into his/her eyes. Watch how they move. Put your finger in their palm and feel the strength of their grip. Rub the tip of your finger on their cheek and watch them turn to suck on your finger. Gently rub their back, their stomach, their head…and see if they relax or play. Talk, and watch them turn to find your voice and then gaze at you. Soon you’ll be marveling at their skill on the soccer field or the dance stage as you continue to observe. Take it all in and watch their coordination and abilities grow as they mature. It’s a beautiful sight to behold.
  2. Learn a new language: baby talk. You know, that sing-song, higher pitched voice people use when talking to babies. I know, it’s kind of strange, but watching our babies respond to you speaking “their language” is well worth it. You’ll see delight in their face as you talk to them in baby talk. Don’t get too lax though. You’ll soon have to learn a new language—the language of childhood, then preteens, then teens. It’s a constantly changing and growing process. Paying attention and learning the nuances of language at each age will help you connect with your teen. Give it a try… it’s pretty amazing.
  3. Change a diaper… or two or three…or more. Changing diapers is about more than hygiene. It’s about connection. Changing your baby’s diaper is an opportunity to engage your child and build your relationship with them. While you change their diaper, talk to them. Sing to them. Have playful interactions by bringing out the “tickle bug” (your hand gently tickling their belly). Sure, you’re changing a diaper, but you’re also spending a few minutes making connection—a fun, face-to-face, playful connection. This connection will lay the foundation for connecting throughout childhood and adolescence. Don’t miss out on building the foundation.
  4. Play, another foundation piece of building connection. Need I say more?  Have fun with your child, even when they’re babies. After all, what’s better than a baby’s laughter? Play. Get your child laughing. Laughter and play are amazing connectors. As a father, you will bring your own style of play into the relationship, a style from which your child will benefit greatly.
  5. Feed your baby. Again, feeding is about more than getting nutrition into your child’s body. Taking the time to engage your child in eating is a tremendous opportunity to connect. You can even make it playful. Sing an eating song. Talk in funny voices. Make the choo-choo train whistle or fly the food in on the airplane spoon. As they grow, you can enjoy conversation over a meal or snack. Have fun. Eat. Connect.
  6. Bathe your baby. Bathing is another tremendous opportunity to connect with your baby while having fun and taking care of hygiene. Enjoy the moment of the bath. Watch them smile. Watch them play. Follow their lead and play along while you wash them. It will become one of your favorite times…and it only lasts so long. They will soon outgrow their need for your help.
  7. Love your baby’s mother. When your baby experiences a strong connection between you and their mother, they will experience a sense of security and safety. As a result, they will laugh more. They will rest more. They will interact more with you and their mother. They will engage the world more comfortably and grow. Don’t let your marriage get lost in the demands of parenting and life. Let parenting become an experience that draws you together as you share in watching the miracle of your baby growing and learning.

Fatherhood is amazing. Don’t miss out on the beauty of fatherhood by standing in the background. Get involved. Your child will experience amazing benefits because of your loving involvement. And you will have one of the best experiences of your lifetime.