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A New Christmas Tradition

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African American father and mixed race son making Christmas cardsWhether we are savoring a slice of homemade cheesecake or the accomplishment of a life-long dream, we enjoy it to the fullest. When we savor something, we take the time to relish in the moment, get lost in the experience, and mindfully focus on every joyful sensation. I want to encourage you to have that same enjoyment by savoring your family this Christmas. Savoring your family builds intimacy. It establishes a family environment of safety and security. It creates joyful memories that will last a lifetime. How can you savor your family? Let me share four ways.

  1. Laugh together. You can laugh at funny stories, jokes, or even TV shows. Whatever you choose, find ways to share laughter. I don’t mean just a little chuckle now and again. Share belly busting, rip roaring, roll on the ground, bring tears to your eyes laughter. Let the laughter bring down the defenses and draw you into one another’s joy.
  2. Acknowledge your pleasure. Give voice to how much you are enjoying the family experience or activity. Talk about it. Tell your family how much fun you are having with them in the moment. Let them know how much you value your time spent with them.
  3. While you acknowledge your pleasure, label any positive emotions you experience and share them with your family. Happiness, joy, peace, calm, delight, elation, glee…name them all. If you find something beautiful, exciting, hopeful, or lovely, go ahead and state it for all to hear. Pleasure increases and positive emotions grow when we verbally share them with others.
  4. Take some pictures. Pictures keep the moment alive. After all is said and done, you can review the pictures and relive the joy. You can even put a few pictures on the fridge where everyone can see them. Every time you look at the pictures you can savor the moment of remembered joy…and repeat steps one through three for even more savoring!

 

Savoring family builds intimacy and establishes a family environment of joy. It builds a deeper sense of safety and security. It creates joyful memories that we will cherish throughout our life. These four ideas can get your started. Why not start today? The Christmas season presents an excellent time to build a tradition of savoring your family.

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The Greatest Christmas Gift You Can Share

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businessman holding giftThe Christmas season has definitely arrived. I see it in the overwhelming traffic. I hear it in Christmas carols ringing in my ears. Amidst the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping, baking, and decorating, I watch children count down to the “big day.” If you are like me, you love the anticipation of Christmas. Advent Calendars, the “Elf on a Shelf,” and journeying wise men help us build the expectation of Christmas. In the midst of this hustle and bustle, I like to sit down and contemplate the long awaited Christ Child and the new life He brings. It helps raise my own expectation and anticipation of the Christmas season. I am often struck at the contrast between our current Christmas priorities and those of the first Christmas. Maybe you are too. Jesus did not come to earth as one of the economically privileged, a member of the ruling class. Instead, He arrived in poverty, a member of a conquered and oppressed people. He could have entered the world as royalty; but, He came as a Servant.  Rather than setting His Son up in a position of power, God delivered Him to us in a stable, to a family with little resource and no influence. Unlike those of us who live in the “Land of Opportunity,” God did not try to give His Son privilege, prestige, power, or material wealth. Those things did not seem to make it onto God’s priority list for His Son. However, He did give His Son a family. Jesus did not just “pop up” in the desert as a Man with the power and influence to change the world. He arrived as a baby, born into a family, nurtured by a mother who “pondered all these things in her heart” and cherished her Son. He matured under the guidance of an earthly father who was willing to act swiftly to protect his family. Surely the family is one of God’s top priorities—not power, prestige, or material wealth, but family. God, the Father, made the gift of family a priority on that first Christmas day by giving Jesus a loving family to guide Him and nurture Him as He matured. Even more, He gave us Jesus (“unto us a Child is born”), a Brother who willingly gave His life so we might become part of His eternal family! Let’s follow God’s example this Christmas and share the gift of family with our parents, our spouses, our siblings, and our children. No other gift will make Christmas as meaningful as the gift of a loving, intimate family!

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A Family Fun Night of Holiday Preparations

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If you’re like me, after reading that title you’re probably thinking, “Family fun and holiday preparations? Yeah right? What planet do you live on?” I mean really. We haven’t even African American father and mixed race son making Christmas cardscelebrated Thanksgiving and I am already hearing Christmas music in the stores. But, I believe I have rediscovered a way to have family fun and prepare for the holidays! Not only can we have fun while preparing for the holidays, but this Family Fun Night will make the holidays less hectic while building family intimacy. Sound too good to be true? Well, this family celebration can do it! Celebrate your family with a family craft night. Think about it. You can make tree ornaments, table settings, wall decorations, or crafty gifts to give to the in-laws (or anyone else for that matter). If you struggle for ideas, check out Craft Gossip or the Etsy Blog. Remember, as you work on your masterfully creative crafts, talk to one another. Share ideas. Recall holidays past and the fun times enjoyed. Dream about future holidays. Make a wish list for gifts you’d like to receive. Talk about gifts other people might enjoy receiving. Laugh. Have fun. Oh, don’t forget to throw some hot chocolate and other edible goodies into the mix. When all is said and done, you will have had a wonderful family night of fun while preparing decorations, gifts, and ideas for the holidays!  So, slow down, enjoy one another’s company, and prepare for the coming holidays with a family fun night of crafts.

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Family Fun Night is for the Birds

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Yellow Billed HornbillSome people believe “this Family Fun Night stuff” is for the birds. Well…I agree. It’s a great idea. Head out to your local aviary and share a Family Fun Night with the birds. Now I know this may sound like a bird-brained idea, but you only need to check out your local aviary to see how much fun you can have with this flight of fancy. The National Aviary in Pittsburgh, PA (my hometown, btw) is celebrating “Owl-O-Ween” on October 18 and 25. Every day, you can watch the birds get fed…and, even participate in feeding them. To satisfy your artistic flair, you might pick your favorite colors for the penguins to use in creating an artistic masterpiece…and take the picture home! You can also celebrate your child’s birthday (“bird-day”) at the Aviary. To add soaring heights of fun to your flight, listen to “The Birds” as you migrate to and from the Aviary. Would it be too much to devour chicken sandwiches for lunch beforehand? Better not, stick with a burger. (My apology to the cows.) At any rate, Family Fun Night is now for the birds…and the ornithologist (bird-lover) in your family. Fly on over to the Aviary to see the unusual, the colorful, the graceful, and the bizarre (hey, that sounds like my family…I’m just saying!) and discover how a great Family Fun Night is for the birds.

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Managing Your Child’s Schedule…or, Seeking Balance in the Devil’s Playground

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“Idle hands are the devil’s playground.” I have heard that statement many times…and, I know the truth in it. Laziness, the habit of doing nothing, leads to trouble! However, in our culture Cute Teenage Girl with Serious Expressionwe have swung to the opposite extreme with our children’s schedule. Rather than having “idle hands,” our children are overscheduled, pressured to be involved, and pushed to achieve. In an effort to give our children “every opportunity,” we fill their schedule with multiple activities. Because we fear they might miss out on future opportunities and successes, we pack every evening with at least one children’s activity…and two to four activities on the weekends. We rush from one activity to another, handing our children a protein bar or a happy meal between activities and letting them veg-out with a game on their IPad during the car ride between events. Slow down for a second and consider: What are we really accomplishing with this frenetic, child-focused lifestyle? What are our children learning? What will the long-term impact be?

 

When our children are overscheduled they become exhausted, agitated, and irritable. They snap at their friends and us more often.  They have a difficult time settling down and even getting to sleep at night. They become more easily upset and exhibit a more difficult time managing their emotions. We seem them grow moody, hyperactive, and impulsive…all resulting from a hectic schedule with little to no rest.

 

Filling our children’s schedule with activities may actually backfire, too. WebMD (Read article here) reports that the number of children involved in youth sports has doubled over the last 20 years while the number of teens involved in high school sports has dropped to an all-time low. Three out of four youth who start sports before the first grade drop out by the age of 13. Many experts suggest this has occurred because our children are getting burned out. The constant pressure to succeed and the constant drive to participate leaves them burned out and in need of rest.

 

In addition, with no unstructured down-time, our children never learn how to entertain themselves. They need outside sources to constantly entertainment them and motivate them. They do not learn how to manage their own schedule. Even more, the implicit messages heard by our overscheduled child include “You need constant self-improvement to please your family and be a person of worth” and “Unstructured time is wasted time; relaxation produces guilt.” In overscheduling our children we have not planted seeds of success but seeds of a stressed-out workaholic with few coping skills and a great potential for strained relationships in the future.

Happy family playing

We need to replace the “idle hands is the devil’s playground” with another saying…like, “Take rest, a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop” or “It takes a little work and a little play to teach a man to live.” Let me make a recommendation based on several sources.

  • Allow your child to have some unstructured down-time every day–no scheduled activity, no TV, no video game; just time to relax and figure out what they like to do.
  • Engage your child in an activity of their choice for at least 20-30 minutes each day. Play catch, play checkers, run to the store, or simply sit on the porch and talk. The activity really does not matter. The most important thing is to enjoy time with your child.
  • Consider the impact of your child’s schedule on your whole family. Remember travel time, impact on siblings not involved in that particular activity, impact on meal time, impact on finances, impact on homework, etc.
  • Limit your elementary school age child’s involvement in structured adult organized activities to no more than 3-4 hours per week. That means no more than one sport activity and one church/social/community activity per week. I realize this sounds limiting, but the benefits for your child and your family will be well worth the challenge. And, as your child moves into middle school and high school involvement time will change.

Our children need us to manage their schedule. They need us to help them find balance in the devil’s playground.

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All Parents Fail Without This Ingredient

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A young parent asked me to describe ways to help her 12-year-old daughter become less self-centered, more giving, and more compassionate. She asked, “What if we feed the Paper chain family protected in cupped handshomeless one day so she can see how good she has it?” and “Maybe she should give some of her toys to more needy children…would that help?” This mother had good intentions. She wanted her daughter to grow in happiness, humility, and generosity. However, she needed to think about a couple things. First, she needed to remember the less fortunate are not a tool for our goals. People who have needs are, first and foremost, people like you and me. Of course, when I mentioned this, she agreed. She had not intended to make it sound like she was using the needy to help her daughter. She truly had a desire to help others and share her love, time, and wealth. Still, she was missing one other important ingredient.

 

She was missing one of the most important ingredients of effective parenting. Without this one ingredient, anything a parent does will prove ineffective. Parents need this ingredient for a child to learn and grow. What is this ingredient? Consistency! That’s right. Effective parenting demands consistency over time. Reaching out one time to those who are less fortunately will only be an event. It will have little to no lasting impact. The sights and smells, feelings and sounds of that day will fade away and become a distant memory. However, if you and your children consistently engage in volunteer work, your children will come to understand the benefit of helping others. They will begin to experience the joy of sacrificial giving and humbly accept their own fortune along with the responsibility to help others.

 

Consistency is important in other areas of parenting as well. For instance, discipline must be consistent over time in order to prove effective in helping children internalize values and move toward becoming self-disciplined adults. For children to grow into confident young adults, they need to have experienced consistent love over the years of their childhood and adolescence. Consistent teaching allows children to learn how to care for themselves and keep their home. The areas in which consistency are essential goes on, but you get the idea.  We teach our children nothing when we do any parenting tasks only one time. Model these skills over time, teach them consistently throughout childhood, and your children will grow into mature young adults. Yes indeed, consistency is an essential ingredient for successful parenting…and it begins today!

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Family Date Night Tip: Do Not Text and Date!

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Let me say I believe in scheduling regular date nights with your spouse and children. Having a date night with your spouse will truly boost your marital happiness. The quality time and intimate conversation shared on a date will enhance your marital intimacy. And, regular “date nights” with your children will also improve family relationships. Spending one-on-one time with each child while engaged in a mutually enjoyable activity, builds relationship, opens conversation, and even encourages your children’s positive self-image. But, I have one warning to offer: DO NOT TEXT and DATE! Texting while dating is dangerous. Texting while dating kills intimacy. Let me explain.

Modern mobile phones

Researchers from the University of Essex measured the impact of having a visible cell phone on the development of intimacy.  To do this, they put participants into dyads, had them leave all their personal belongings in one room, and then led them into another room to have a conversation. Each person in the dyad sat on a comfortable chair. A coffee table sat next to the chairs; and, on the coffee table was a book. For half the pairs, a random cell phone was placed on the book. The other half did not have a cell phone in the room. After a ten-minute conversation, participants completed a questionnaire assessing relationship quality and emotional sensitivity. The results: dyads in which the cell phone rested on the table reported lower relationship quality and less closeness with their partner. The mere presence of a cell phone had hindered their relational intimacy.

 

The researchers took this experiment one step further. They conducted a follow-up study using a similar format. The only difference was the addition of two levels of meaningful conversation.  Half the group discussed a casual topic (your thoughts and feelings about plastic Christmas trees) and half the group discussed a personally meaningful topic (your most personally meaningful event over the last year). This study revealed that the presence of a cell phone significantly reduced relationship quality, partner trust, and partner empathy only during meaningful conversation.

 

This research suggests that just having a cell phone in sight during personal interactions hinders the development of closeness and trust. It reduces each person’s sense of being understood by the other, especially if you are trying to have a meaningful and intimate conversation. The phone in these experiments did not belong to either participant. It merely sat unobtrusively, and even out of conscious awareness according to questionnaire answers, on the table. Yet the power of that cell phone to 1) bring the larger world into our awareness, 2) to orient us to the possibility of what might be happening outside our immediate interaction, 3) to raise the possibility in our mind that news from the “outside” could interrupt our date, and 4) to remind us that we might be missing something, interferes with our date, hinders our relationship, limits our sense of closeness, and kills intimacy!

 

Put that altogether and learn an important lesson: DON’T TEXT and DATE! Go out with your spouse. Enjoy one-on-one time with your kids. Seek intimate moments and meaningful conversation. Pursue quality times of fun and celebration. But, by all means, put the cell phone on silence and leave it in your purse. Hide it in your coat pocket. Leave it in your car. Forget about the cell phone and enjoy your family. You’ll find conversations deepen, connections grow stronger, and laughter booms louder without a cell phone present. DON’T TEXT and DATE!

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The #1 Ingredient for Building Friendships With Your Children

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I remember coming home from the park with my preschool daughters. One would say, “I made a friend today.” Her face glowing and her voice bubbling with excitement.

“Really,” I would ask. “What’s her name?”

“I don’t know.”

“Where does she live?”

“I don’t know.” (Both times the “I don’t know” reply was said in a nonchalant manner, as though the question held no real relevance at all.)

“How do you know she’s your friend?”

“We played on the slide together,” she answered excitedly

“Will you see her again?”

“Yes, Daddy, she comes to the park too,” was the confident reply. 

 

This brief conversation, which occurred time and again, taught me an important lesson. Preschoolers build friendships based on shared activities. They don’t need to know a lot of information about the other person. They just want to play together. So, my preschool daughter could go to the park for an hour and walk away with a “new best friend” simply because they engaged in a fun activity together. That realization started me thinking (always a dangerous pastime)…if any little kid can become my daughter’s “new best friend” by playing together at the park for less than an hour, I could really build my relationship with her by enjoying a fun activity with her each day! We could play hide-n-seek, swing on the swings, make chocolate chip cookies, play catch, kick a ball, read a book…the possibilities are limitless. The activity itself is less important than the outcome. What is the outcome? Having a shared activity with my daughter.  In her eyes, that makes us “best friends.” And from those foundational preschool “best friend” activities, I begin to develop a lifelong relationship!  When she begins to base friendships more on who is a part of her life and world (which she will do in the elementary school years), I will have already laid the foundation of spending time with her. I can continue to spend time with her and become an integral part of her every day world. When she enters her teen years and begins to base her friendships on shared interests and trust, I will have laid the foundation of trust by spending consistent time with her through the preschool and elementary years. I will have laid the foundation of having shared interests with her by involving myself in her world throughout the elementary school years. Building on that foundation, I can remain available throughout her teen years, faithful in my presence and trusted with information. Simply by sharing activities with my daughter during her preschool years, I will have built a relationship that will sustain us into young adult and throughout the rest of our lives. A simple step during preschool will have set us on a trajectory leading to a constantly growing relationship. So, start building relationships early in your children’s lives…and enjoy a lifetime relationship. If you missed the beginning, don’t worry. You can always start spending time with them now…you can begin to share activities today…you become present in their world today…you can prove yourself trustworthy today. The important thing is to start. Let the relationship begin!

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12 More National Holidays to Celebrate Family

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I thought I might share a few more “National Holidays” your family might enjoy celebrating (click here and here for some other holidays to celebrate). This time I did not include any food holidays, although food compliments any celebration in my mind. These holidays are all relational and fun holidays. A couple of them even offer some great perks if you watch for them. So, find the appropriate month and let the family celebrations begin!

 

January 24–National Compliment Day. Make some major deposits in your Family Bank of Honor on this day with a few well-spoken compliments. You may even want to start a Pandemonium of Honor this month and practice throughout the year!


January 31–National Backward Day. Do everything backwards. Have supper for breakfast and breakfast for supper. Eat your meal starting with dessert. Put on your clothes backwards and go out to eat. Walk into the restaurant backwards. You get the idea. Have fun.


February 17–National Random Acts of Kindness Day. Another wonderful opportunity to honor your family with a random act of kindness. Be creative and have fun.


March 22–National Goof Off Day. My kids think I celebrate this day every day.  That’s OK. The point is to have some fun. So, go ahead and goof off together.


April 27–National Tell a Story Day. I love to tell stories. Tell stories about your dating days, early childhood days, your favorite family vacations. You can make up stories. My kids still remember the stories we made up when they were preschoolers. Read a story together. Whatever you choose, just tell some stories that bring your family together. 


June 22–National Listen to a Child Day. Listen to your child…they will love your for it.


July 13–Embrace Your Geekness Day. All you Big Bang enthusiasts rejoice. Today is your day!


August 4–International Forgiveness Day. Forgiveness will change your life and your family life. If you have trouble figuring out how to forgive, read 5 Steps for Forgiving Family.


September 19–Talk Like a Pirate Day. A day of family celebration. Every family member can talk like a pirate and you can watch Pirates of the Caribbean. Invite some friends over and make it a multi-family event! Go to Long John Silver’s and order with your best pirate accent. Dress up like a pirate and you might get free donuts at Krispy Kreme.


October 12–National Family Bowling Day. You don’t have to be good, just have fun. See who can get the worst score. Bowl behind your back. Plan to knock down as few pins as possible. Put up the bumpers. Whatever it takes, have a fun family outing while you bowl.


November 11-Origami Day. Enjoy time making origami today. Here’s some help if you want some. 


December 8–Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day. Dress up like you live in Wild West, renaissance England, ancient Rome, Israel at the time of Christ, or your community in the midst of dinosaurs. Whatever time era you think your family might enjoy, travel to that time in dress, food, and amenities. Have fun!

 

Alright now, get out there…Have Fun and Celebrate Family!

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A Parent Stands, Stoops, & Stays

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I recently read a quote by Eugene Peterson from his book entitled A Long Obedience in the Same Direction. Mr. Peterson was referring to “God’s posture of blessing” when he said, “God stands–

He is foundational and dependable. God stoops–He kneels to our level and meets us where we are. God stays–He sticks with us through hard times and good, sharing His life with us in grace and peace.” This is a beautiful picture of God… and it is a beautiful picture of parents, family shepherds, who strive to emulate our Heavenly Father in our family. Think about it:

 

A parent stands, foundational and dependable in the family. He lays a clear foundation of trust. His children know he will keep his word and do as he says. He establishes a foundational lifestyle of honor and respect, in how he treats others and in the response he elicits from others. A parent also stands firm on the foundation of love, even in the midst of disagreement, discipline, or conflict. This foundation of love proclaims how much he cherishes and values his family.

 

A parent stoops. He kneels to his children’s level and meets them where they are. This is as simple as getting on eye level with your children when talking to them…or walking a little slower so their little legs can keep up. Stooping also means listening carefully to understand their needs, emotions, and desires from their perspective, from the mind of a child.  Parents who stoop realize that their children have not seen what we have seen. They have not experienced what we have experienced. Parents graciously stoop to understand the impact of experiences and situations on the family from the limited life experience and knowledge of their children.

 

A parent stays. He sticks with his children, sharing his life with them through hard times and good times. When times are difficult, a parent who stays will keep his children in his hands, protecting their innocence and emotions as much as possible. He will not only stand with his children through the joys of accomplishments and the pride of achievements but through the sorrow of disappointments and the confusion of transitions as well. A parent who stays will lean into the relationship with his children if they begin to stray. He will graciously stay with his children when they have to endure the consequences of their negative behavior. A parent who stays communicates that no matter what, good or bad, through thick or thin, he will always remain available to his child.

 

Yes, a family shepherd stands, stoops, and stays. In doing so, he lives out the image of the Heavenly Father in the presence of his children. So, parent in the image of our Father. Stand firm. Stoop down. Stay…always stay.

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