Tag Archive for student
The Lost Art of Sacrifice in the Family
Recognizing the Benefit of Emotions in Parenting
The Mirror in a Parent’s Eye
5 Christmas Gifts Your Family Will Love
Every Christmas I have the same dilemma-what gifts do I give to my family? Like an episode of Hawaii Five-O, I begin an investigation to discover the perfect gift. Moving from person to person and place to place I make quiet observations and ask not-so-subtle questions in search of a gift that is desired, needed, and useful at the same time. This year I think I hit the jackpot. My investigations have uncovered 5 gifts, all needed and desired, that family members will love and enjoy all year.
Eat dinner with your family as often as possible. Turn off the TV, don’t answer the phone, gather around the table, and share a meal together. Eating as a family keeps the doors of communication open. In addition, teens that eat frequently with their family are three-and-a half times less likely to abuse illegal drugs. Girls who eat with the family five or more times a week are one-third less likely to develop unhealthy eating habits. And, eating together can be fun. You can talk about the day, make plans for upcoming events, joke around, share funny stories and memories, and learn about one another’s interests. Eating together is a great gift with great benefits for the whole family.
Have a regular date night with your spouse. The strength of your marriage sets the standard for honor, grace, and celebration within the whole family. How we treat our spouse influences the intimacy and respect shared among the whole family. When children see their parents going on a dates and genuinely expressing love to one another, they feel safer and more secure. So, a great gift to your family is to make your marriage strong. A regular date night with your spouse gives you the opportunity to talk, have fun, and grow more intimate. It tells the whole family that relationships are important.
Have family fun nights at least two times a month. Get together with your family for an evening of fun and games. Families love this gift. And, it provides the opportunity to teach important social skills, academic skills, and family values in the midst of laughter and play. I know I learn better when I’m having fun. Family fun nights provide the added benefit of building closer family ties. In fact, “you can discover more about a person in an hour of play than you can in a year of conversation” (Plato). All this while engaging in a fun, relaxing activity.
Encourage each family member in public and private forums. Encouragement expresses your love for that person. Even God recognized and encouraged His Son. The Gospels tell us of three instances in which God acknowledging and encouraging His Son in a very public manner. Encouraging our family members will help build their self-confidence, confirm your loyal alliance, boost their know-how, and strengthen your relationship. Gifts don’t get any better than this.
Take a genuine interest in what interests each family member. This gift is often overlooked, but is still a tremendous gift. Take the time to learn about something that interests your family member. If they enjoy music, learn about the music they like. If they enjoy cooking, learn about cooking and cook with them. If they enjoy the ballet, learn about the ballet and go watch a ballet with them. Whatever the interest, make a genuine investment in learning about that topic…not because the topic interests you but because your family member interests you. This gift will enrich you, your family, and your relationship for years to come.
Wrapping these ideas in a homemade coupon book that includes a coupon for each of these gifts will bring a smile to anyone’s face. It will definitely provide a gift your family will enjoy for years to come.
The Daily Routine
Relationship muscles, like all muscles, require training. The “Relationship Training Program” offers exercises that will build strength and endurance for the true relationship athlete. As with all training programs, a habit of daily exercises promote continued growth and health. One well-known relationship trainer, Dr. John Gottman, recommends a daily 32-minute routine that research has shown to strengthen relationships. Let me review his 32-minute regimen before adding one additional exercise that will increase it to 35 minutes a day.
- Before leaving your family for a day of work, school, or play, learn at least one thing that each person has planned for their day. Are they going anywhere? Who will they see? What activities do they have planned? Are they excited, apprehensive, or neutral about these plans? Are any plans special? This exercise will take about 2-3 minutes, depending on how much information you seek.
- Have a 20-minute conversation upon reuniting at the end of the workday. Sit down and discuss what happened during the day. Talk like friends, share what happened during your time apart. If there are disagreements, save them for another time. If there are demands or requests, put them on the back burner until after this 20-minute exercise.
- Find some way to communicate affection and appreciate to each family member every day. Look for something that you can admire or appreciate about each person. When you recognize it, tell them. Compliment their cooking, clothes, hair, or overall appearance. Tell them about some character trait that you appreciate in them. Spend 5 minutes throughout the day expressing admiration, affection, and appreciation for family members.
- Share physical touch with family members. Give a hug and kiss good-bye when you part, a hug and kiss hello when you reunite. Even if you are angry, give a hug and kiss good-night before bed. Gottman says to “think of that kiss as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day. In other words, lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.” Hold hands as you sit or walk together. Put your arm around your children’s shoulder as you stand in line. Spend 5 minutes sharing touch –playful, affectionate, or tender–throughout the day.
- So far we have 32 minutes invested in daily exercises to strengthen our relationships. Let me add one more 3 minute exercise to round our total up to 35 minutes a day. Each day write down 2-3 things that each member of your family has done to contribute to your personal life or your family stability. In addition, write down 2 things that each member of your family said or did that represents their best strengths and qualities.
That’s it, a daily 35-minute routine to strengthen your family relationships. It sounds easy, doesn’t it? In fact, the hard part is developing the habit of keeping the routine. To help you maintain the daily routine, I suggest a weekly reward. After successfully completing this daily routine for one week, have a small celebration, a weekly date of sorts. You might rent a movie and make popcorn. Or, you can play a game like “Apples to Apples,” “Charades,” or some other family favorite. You might prefer to go out for dessert. Whatever you choose, enjoy your time together, make small talk, plan vacations, dream about the future. You can even share some of the things you enjoyed about the exercise routine. Whatever you do, have fun. If you take about two hours, you will find the total time for this exercise routine is 5 hours and 21 minutes a week. Research suggests that this 5 hours can bring greater intimacy and joy into your relationships.
To Change A Dance
People often get stuck in an unhealthy relationship dance. The dance may take many forms. Regardless of the form it takes, each partner plays a specific role. Some couples dance the “I chase while you hide” dance. Other couples dance the “I’ll do all the work and complain while you just sit around” dance. In both cases, they sing a rousing rendition of “Blame in Counterpoint.” Each partner blames the other for the mess they are in. You’ve at least heard some of the lines from the chorus: “Nag, nag nag—you never leave me alone.” “He never wants to talk.” “You’re so lazy and you don’t care about me at all.” “It doesn’t matter what I do, you are never satisfied.”
There is only one way to stop the music and change the dance. I know it may sound simplistic—even cliché, but…. At least one person in the couple has to quit the old dance and start a new one. That may sound too simple, but it’s true. It may not sound fair, but such an act of grace can lead to change. If you choose to take this grace challenge and change the dance, your partner will do everything they can to maintain the old step. They will sing the “Blame in Counterpoint” even louder. They will step heavier and try to force you back into the movement of the old dance step. With everything in you, you must resist and continue the new step until they change, too. You have to show the grace to continue the new “Dance of Love” until they get in step.
How can you begin the new dance step? Here are some ideas to consider.
- Stop singing “Blame in counterpoint” and sing “The Prelude of Love” instead. “The Prelude” begins with telling your partner 1-2 things you love about them… everyday… even when you’re angry.
- Carefully consider your part in the old dance. How do you respond to your partner? How do you provoke them? Are you the one who chases or the one who hides? The one who compulsively works or the one who sits around? Once you can admit your part in the old dance, you can decide on a different response—a different dance step. When your partner starts the old dance, practice your new steps.
- Find some healthy relationship dances to observe. Or, read a book about healthy relationships. Learn from the healthy dances you see and read about. Take the time to clearly describe what you like in those healthy relationship dances. The better you can describe the kind of dance you want to have, the more likely you are to act accordingly.
- Things may not change overnight. You might make mistakes. Don’t get discouraged. Simply recognize that it happened and start the healthy step again. Use those moments to reaffirm your love for one another by renewing your new, healthier dance.
- Finally, sing new music. Three of my favorites are “A Harmony of Praise,” “Variations on Gratitude,” and “Encouragement in E flat Major.” Sing the songs often. Sing them loudly… and enjoy the “Dance of Love.”
Honoring Variety
My family and I went to the zoo last week. What an awesome family outing. We saw so much variety. We saw animals ranging from huge elephants to tiny molerats, exotic sea dragons to common lambs, swinging monkeys to slithering snakes, lethargic sloths to phrenetically flying bats, playful seals to ferocious tigers. The variety seemed unending. We laughed at some animals, admired others, and stood in awe of many. We admired the beautiful, the bizarre, and the creepy. They all seemed amazing. The variety didn’t offend us. On the contrary, it made the trip all the more interesting. It added spice to our trip to the zoo.
We also saw an amazing variety of people and families at the zoo. There were single parent families, two parent families, multigenerational families, Spanish speaking families, Russian speaking families, families with babies in strollers, families with teens, families that walked hand in hand, and families who merely smiled at one another as they looked at the animals. No matter what, the families seemed to enjoy the outing and each other’s company. It made me smile to see mothers, fathers, grandparents and children all having so much fun together. The variety of families added even more interest to our outing.
All this diversity made me think about the variety we experience within our own families. Each person is different. Each family member has their own likes and interests, strengths and weaknesses, character and personality. Sometimes we might not like the same things that our family members like. We might even dislike what another family member loves. However, the beauty of family is that we accept one another anyway. In fact, we do more than accept our differences, we honor and value those differences. We know that those differences give our family the depth and strength that we might not have otherwise. One child loves sports and the other loves music. A parent loves to read while a child loves to cook. One family member likes loud music and another likes quiet ballads. Together we celebrate those differences and learn to encourage each family member’s interests and strengths. We allow other family members’ strengths to compliment our life, filling in for our areas of weakness. We can even learn from other family members’ interests, expanding our own borders somewhat. Perhaps I can learn to enjoy and appreciate the age of texting that my children so enjoy…and in doing so I can keep in better contact with them and their world. Overall, accepting and valuing the variety within our family becomes the spice of our family life.