Tag Archive for love

Are You Naked and Unafraid?

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Healthy marriages provide an opportunity for us to return to the Garden of Eden and stand like Adam and Eve: naked and unafraid. I don’t mean just physically naked. I mean completely open and exposed to our partner—emotional, spiritually, and mentally naked before our partner and still unafraid. That is a vulnerable position; but, in a completely healthy marriage, we can stand before one another in this vulnerable open state and remain completely unafraid. This type of open relationship begins with a very important ingredient: RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. Radical acceptance stands in direct opposition to conditional acceptance. Radical acceptance communicates a complete willingness to love our spouse no matter what. Imagine with me what can happen if we add just a small condition to our willingness to accept our spouse.

  1. This one condition raises doubt in our spouse’s mind. They will no longer feel completely safe to tell all and show all. A little bit of fear will enter the relationship—the fear that “I might do something to make my spouse love me less or even reject me.”
  2. Your spouse will no longer feel completely secure in their relationship to you. Feelings of insecurity will arise.
  3. Rather than risk rejection, your spouse will hide perceived faults and mistakes from you. After all, they don’t want to risk falling short of the conditions for acceptance. It becomes safer to keep faults and shortcomings secret.
  4. That secret grows into a wall of secrecy. The only way your spouse can keep you from discovering their faults is to create a wall of secrecy to hide behind. You will no longer get to see your spouse completely. You will see and experience only those parts they feel safe exposing.
  5. Your spouse will guard their heart. They will keep certain parts of themselves guarded, protected from possible rejection. There will be no full disclosure.
  6. You will sense this change. Trust will decrease. Your spouse’s trust will decrease for fear of rejection. Your trust will decrease due to suspicions of some secrets.

The only way to remedy this downward spiral is RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. Radical acceptance accepts our spouse warts and all. Radical acceptance continues to love in spite of mistakes. Radical acceptance loves in the face of shortcomings. And, radical acceptance opens the door for change. You and your spouse can invest more energy in growing and becoming better people when you no longer have to invest energy in building a wall of secrecy and guarding your heart. You and your spouse will also desire to spend more energy in pleasing one another when you know you will receive radical acceptance…even when you make a mistake. How can you practice radical acceptance?

  • See your spouse through the eyes of God. Realize they are God’s workmanship, designed for His purpose. Any non-acceptance of your spouse is a non-acceptance of God and His work of art. Focus on your spouse’s God-given strengths and abilities.
  • Keep open lines of communication. Speak the truth in love. When must deal with difficult issues (and you will), do so in love. Speak only about one concern at a time rather than generalizing and throwing in the kitchen sink. This will be easier to do when you resolve differences quickly and keep no record of wrongs. Share the concern without accusation and offer a way to resolve it as well.
  • Focus on what you admire about your spouse. Admire and bless. Show gratitude and speak words of encouragement…every day!

Radical acceptance is a gift of grace we give our spouses and our spouses give to us.  Radical acceptance is also a gift that keeps on giving. It gives a tremendous return of security, trust, and intimacy…the chance to stand before our spouse completely naked and completely unafraid!

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The 4 Guys You Take on Every Date

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I recently had the opportunity to speak to a group of high school boys about dating. I love speaking to young people about relationship.  I was asked to speak to this group about dating and chose to tell them about the four guys they date when they go out with girl. As you can imagine, they didn’t believe there were any guys involved in their date with a girl. But, let me explain. Every time a guy dates a woman, four guys accompany them.

  1. The woman’s big brother is on your date. My first serious girlfriend had two big brothers and they were big…college football big. I could tell by the way they watched me enter a room or sit next to “their sister” that I better treat her well. They had their little sister’s back. If I mistreated her, I’d answer to them. Every woman has a “big brother.” The big brother may not be a blood relative, but he cares about the woman you are dating and he has her back!
  1. The woman’s father is on your date. Fathers are all for their daughters meeting a nice guy and eventually marrying an even nicer guy. On the other hand, all fathers have at least a small stake in the Dads Against Daughters Dating (D.A.D.D.) club. Fathers are protective. They have high standards for any man who wants to date their daughters. And, daughters adore their fathers. So, if you want to make a good impression on your girlfriend, treat her father with respect. If you want to have any chance at continuing to date your girlfriend, stay in her father’s good graces by treating his daughter well. The better you treat a man’s daughter, the more accepting and supportive of your presence he will be.
  1. The woman’s future husband is on your date. The woman you date will eventually marry. Maybe she will marry you; maybe she’ll marry someone else. Either way, wouldn’t you be upset and even angry if your fiancé told you that some guy disrespected and hurt her…or worse, abused her emotionally or physically? Wouldn’t it be painful to hear her describe how a previous boyfriend mistreated her or took advantage of her? You’d likely be infuriated if you had to work through fears and mistrusts your fiancé struggles with because of how a previous boyfriend treated her! Don’t be that previous boyfriend.
  1. The woman’s heavenly Father is on your date. (Gary Thomas expands on this in his book A Lifelong Love.) Imagine…you stand before our heavenly Father as He sits on the judgement seat on the last day. His gaze falls on you then drifts to His precious daughter, the woman you’re dating (or married to). When His eyes return to you, you will see one of two looks. 1) He may say, “You have treated My daughter well, like the princess I created her to be. I love her so much I’d give my life for her…and you have loved her with the same sacrificial love. Thank you. You’re welcome in my house any time.”  2) He may turn to you with fire in His eyes as He exclaims, “You mistreated My daughter, My princess, the one I love and would give my life for. You hurt her. You disrespected her and took advantage of her. Get out of my house!”  Which look do you want to receive from your heavenly Father?  How you treat your date could make the difference.

Dating is fun. Dating can even prove important for healthy social development. But, dating carries responsibility as well. Keeping the four men you date with every woman in mind can help make your dating experience much more meaningful and enjoyable.

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Marriage Compelled By the Love of Christ

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I recently had the opportunity to speak on marriage with a local congregation during their worship service. The passage for the morning was Paul’s words to the Corinthians:

“For the love of Christ compels us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf” (2 Corinthians 5:14-15).

African American Couple Laughing On The FloorEven though this passage speaks about Paul, it also describes a powerful foundation for marriage—the love of Christ. As believers, the love of Christ compels us to interact with our spouse in a powerful, virtuous manner. Think of it:

  • The love of Christ compels us to love our spouse with a sacrificial love rather than a self-serving love.
  • The love of Christ compels us to seek ways of giving to our spouses rather than taking from our spouses…to ask “what can I do for you today?” rather than “what have you done for me lately?”
  • The love of Christ compels us to accept our spouses instead of striving to make them what we want them to be…to love them “where they are” rather than trying to shape them into the person we imagine.
  • The love of Christ compels us to show our spouses grace rather than demanding they earn our acceptance, respect, or forgiveness.
  • The love of Christ compels us to seek out ways of expressing our love and initiating that expression rather than expecting our spouse to “love us first,” “make the first move,” or “treat us right first.”

These bullets only begin to touch on ways this passage invites us to love one another as married couples. And, we could write for hours to expand on each bullet. But, you might get bored listening to me. Instead, I invite you to grab your spouse, pour a cup of coffee, and sit down together to discuss what these bullets call you to do in your marriage. That will prove a whole lot more fun than reading any explanation I would offer. And, it will be specific to YOUR marriage. So, have some fun learning how the love of Christ compels you to love your spouse!

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Improve Your Sex Life…BEFORE You Hit the Sheets

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Kevin Leman published a book entitled Sex Begins in the Kitchen. (Read the review here.) It’s not really a book about sex. But, it does make an important point about sex—if you want to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse, start preparing outside the bedroom. I mean way outside the bedroom. In fact, the most enjoyable and satisfying sex life is firmly established on factors that, on first glance, seem totally unrelated to sex and the bedroom. Let me give a few examples.African American Couple Laughing On The Floor

  1. A satisfying sex life is premised on responsiveness to your spouse’s needs and requests OUTSIDE the bedroom. This responsiveness will result in you serving your spouse. Taking out the garbage, washing the dishes, running the vacuum, and even cleaning the toilet become ways to respond to your spouse’s need for help and cleanliness. Responsiveness will also lead you to honor your spouse and her need for a break, his need to develop friendships, or her need to go out “with the girls.” You can learn more about the impact of this type of responsiveness on the quality of your intimacy by reading Increase Your Spouse’s Sexual Desire.
  2. A high quality sex life is built upon communicating admiration and fondness for your spouse on a daily basis. You don’t have to plan some extravagant show of admiration, just simple statements like “you look nice,” “thanks for dinner…you’re a great cook,” “you do a nice job on the yard,” or “thank you, I like working by your side” show fondness and admiration. Simple shows of affection (like a hug, holding hands, or a kiss with no expectation of anything more) are nonverbal ways to show admiration for your spouse. These simple shows of fondness and admiration communicate love. They build trust. They let our spouse know we desire him or her. They create an atmosphere conducive to intimate sharing and abandoned trust.
  3. An intimate sex life is enjoyed when we learn to accept invitations from our spouse to connect throughout the day. We offer up invitations of connection all the time. Some invitations are explicit; others are implicit. Questions like “Want to go for a walk” or “can we talk” are explicit, direct invitations to connect. But the day is filled with indirect, implicit invitations as well…like, “nice day, isn’t it?” or a gentle touch on the shoulder, a smile, or a sigh. Each of these statements, questions, or actions invite us to connect with our spouse. Each time we respond with genuine interest we stoke the fires of intimacy and open the doors for deeper relationships.
  4. Take #3 a step further by connecting emotionally to really boost your sex life. We all want to “feel” understood. We want to be known at the deepest level, to be heard in the silence of our hearts. When we acknowledge our spouse’s emotions and let their emotions impact us, we connect more deeply. When we respond to our spouses based on their emotions they feel heard, valued, connected. Sharing emotional connection builds an intimacy outside the bedroom that carries over into the bedroom.

At first glance, these four factors may not seem directly related to our sex life. But, our sex life is built upon and premised on our daily words, actions, and interactions. It is an outgrowth of our intentional responsiveness, communications of admiration, and connections throughout the day.

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Arguing With Your Spouse: A Pain in the Back…or Worse!

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The University of CA (Berkeley) and Northwestern University recently published the results of a study following 156 heterosexual couples for 20 years. The authors examined how the couple’s way of managing “conflict conversations” impacted their health over time. They found a link between “stonewalling” (which includes barely speaking, little to no eye contact, emotionally shutting down) and back pain. They also found angry outbursts were associated with cardiovascular problems. Let me repeat those results so you don’t miss it.  Pointing fingers at each other

  • The emotional withdrawal of “shut up and put up” is a pain in the back. It may contribute to backaches, stiff necks, stiff joints, and muscle tension over time.
  • On the other hand, flying off the handle with angry outbursts can break your heart. It may contribute to chest pain, high blood pressure, and other cardiovascular problems over time.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my marriage to be “a pain in the back” or a “broken heart!”  So, what can we do when we disagree or argue to prevent this?

  • Remember your love for your spouse. Recall attributes and character traits you adore about your spouse. Keep your gratitude for your spouse’s positive contributions to your life in the forefront of your mind.(Read The Killer Wall in Your Marriage for more info)
  • Listen intently for the sole purpose of understanding your spouse. Your differences of opinion open the door for you to know our spouse more intimately. Your spouse becomes an open book voicing her opinion, thoughts, and desires. Listen carefully. You will learn a lot and grow more intimate as you listen with the sole intent of understanding your spouse. (Read Go Ahead & Argue With Honor for more)
  • Postpone your own agenda until your spouse feels emotionally validated and understood. Don’t even try to explain your side of the situation until you can restate what your spouse has said and your spouse responds with “Yes. You got it. Now you know how I feel!” (For more read Make Your Argument the Best Part of Your Day)
  • Breathe to stay calm. Men, especially, have a tendency to move into a fight or flight mode during disagreements. When you reach this point, you no longer think rationally. You simply defend, fight to win, or run. Breathing can help you stay calm, rational, able to listen, and compromise. Breathe.
  • Soothe your spouse, as well. Be aware of your spouse’s sensitivities and don’t push her buttons. Respond in love by respecting your spouse’s vulnerabilities. If you notice you or your spouse “losing your cool,” take a break, express some affection, or tell a joke—anything to help restore a sense of calm to both you and your spouse.
  • Allow your spouse to influence you. Sometimes your spouse may make a good point (I know, it’s surprising). Sometimes your spouse may actually be right! Sometimes they may simply have a different opinion than you…and neither of you are wrong. Enjoy the difference. Remain humble enough to admit his/her wisdom. Allow his/her opinion to influence your responses and actions. Doing so expresses love.

Follow these 6 tips and your marriage will not become a pain in the back, nor will it break your heart.

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“I Love You” Getting Stale? Try These

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If you feel like “I love you” is getting stale, try a couple of other phrases to express your Senior Couple - Kiss on the Cheeklove. Here are a dozen ideas from which you can choose.

  • You are important to me.
  • I’ll make sacrifices for you. I’ll give that up for you.
  • I forgive you.
  • I need you.
  • I think about you all the time.
  • If I had it all to do over again, I’d still choose you.
  • You get more beautiful every day.
  • What can I do for you today?
  • Let me help you with that.
  • I think about you all the time.
  • I am committed to you for life.
  • I’m sorry.

And to make it a baker’s dozen:

  • I love you more today than the day we got married.
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3 Ways Giving Support Will Benefit Your Family

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Paul was on his way to Rome when he called the elders of Ephesus to meet him. He wanted to offer one last message of encouragement to them. That message ended with these encourage-synonymswords: “…In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus Himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive'” (Acts 20:35).  A recent study confirmed the wisdom of this statement in regard to giving support to others.  Specifically, researchers from University of Pittsburgh and University of California (LA) asked 36 participants about receiving and giving support. Of course, both giving and receiving support led to fewer negative outcomes. But these researchers went a step further in their investigation. They used fMRI’s to assess the brain activation of participants engaged in at least three types of tasks.

  1. One task involved participants performing a “stressful mental math task.” During this task, the fMRI revealed that those who gave the most support to others had reduced activity in the brain areas related to stress response.
  2. Another group of participants looked at pictures of loved ones. In this scenario, fMRI’s revealed increased activity in the brain’s reward system for those who gave higher levels of support to others.
  3. A third group had a chance to win money for someone in need. In this group, fMRI’s also revealed increased activity in the brain’s reward system for those who gave higher levels of support.

In summary, giving support to those in need contributed to an improved ability to manage stress and an increased ability to enjoy reward, at least on a neurological level. Isn’t that a great benefit for families?  If we model giving support to others in the family and encourage our family to do the same, we promote more feelings of reward and fewer “stressed out” feelings. By supporting one another’s dreams you can bring a greater sense of reward into your family. Supporting one another when troubles arise will decrease family stress. We really can build a healthier family by giving and receiving support. But, in the long run, it is even better to give than receive!

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Marriage: A Glimpse of Heaven

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An intentional Christian marriage gives us a glimpse of heaven on earth. We see a reflection of God’s Kingdom when each spouse serves, sacrifices, and loves the other. Each spouse reveals the character of their King by treating their spouse with honor, sharing grace in times of need, and actively pursuing a peace that “passes all understanding.” Spouses in a godly marriage encourage, support, and nurture one another in so many amazing ways. A godly marriage gives us a glimpse of heaven, a mere taste of something greater to come. Imagine a photo album filled with pictures capturing the moments of  joy and celebration, love and hope in your marriage. Then, sit back and pause. Consider…what awaits us in heaven is so much more than we can experience on earth…so.much.more! Enjoy this video of Mercy Me singing I Can Only Imagine with the London symphony…and imagine how your marriage gives just a glimpse of what is yet to come!

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A Husband’s Manifesto

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A married man needs to decide what kind of husband he will be. What character will he reveal in his marriage? How does he want to interact with his wife and family? What is his purpose as a husband? With this in mind, I designed a “Husband Manifesto.” Look it over. See if you agree with the actions on this manifesto…and, consider what you might add to it?  Then, if you want more on becoming a great husband, check out our e-book, For His Eyes Only: A Devotional Workbook and Prayer Guide for Husbands. One reader commented on For His Eyes Only by saying, “If you are looking for a devotional to read that is Biblically based, short for each day’s reading, yet at the same time enlightening and challenging, I HIGHLY encourage you to give this one a try!”

husbandManifesto

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Are You a Marriage Consumer?

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We live in a world that encourages consumerism. From commercials to billboards, we are encouraged to consume products and services to gain rest, pain-free living, joy, and satisfying relationships. Movies even encourage the idea that intimate relationships “complete me,” satisfy our need for joy, and offer escape from bad situations. In such a world, marriage can become just another product to consume our never-ending search for self-satisfaction. If we fall into this trap, we become marriage consumers.

  • phubbingA marriage consumer uses marriage to satisfy his own needs and desires.
  • A marriage consumer demands his spouse to fill him with joy.
  • A marriage consumer expects his spouse to satisfy his hunger for approval and affection.
  • A marriage consumer consumes sexual intimacy, expecting to receive all he “deserves.”
  • A marriage consumer attaches himself to his spouse to get out of his parents’ house or away from the wrong crowd or into the most convenient lifestyle.
  • Overall, the marriage consumer finds who can provide what he hungers for and consumes it. Unfortunately, he consumes while giving nothing in return. Eventually, he is left with an empty shell of a spouse, a spouse sucked dry with nothing left to give.

There is an alternative to being a marriage consumer. In our consumer-oriented world, this alternative will strike many as risky. It will arouse our fear of becoming a doormat to our spouse. But, I can assure you nothing is further than the truth. This alternative can fill your marriage to overflowing and…The more you give the more you have to give. What is the alternative? To become a marriage investor.

  • A marriage investor considers his spouse as “more important than himself. He does not merely look out for his own personal interests, but also for the interests of” his spouse (Philippians 2:3-4).
  • A marriage investor listens to understand the needs and desires of his spouse (James 1:19).
  • A marriage investor anticipates his spouse’s need for comfort, assurance, or love and strives to meet that need.
  • A marriage investor constantly seeks ways to express his love to his spouse.
  • A marriage investor engages in acts of kindness and support…smiling all the while.
  • A marriage investor energetically builds his spouse up.

You get the idea. A marriage consumer seeks to satisfy his own needs and, in the process, sucks his spouse dry. A marriage investor seeks to satisfy his spouse’s needs and, in the process, fills both his spouse and himself to overflowing with love, joy, and peace. Which do you want to become?

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