Archive for Celebration

Household Labor and…Sexual Satisfaction?

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“I have a headache” has become a somewhat iconic excuse to avoid sexual intimacy…along with “I have to get up early” or “I’m not in the mood.”  I recognize these may be true statements at times and they need to be accepted as such. However, at times, they can also represent a lack of desire for sexual intimacy. In such cases, one needs to ask a question: what could be contributing to a lack of sexual desire in my marriage?  One study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, offers an interesting answer to consider, especially for women with a low sexual desire. So…husbands, listen up.

This study looked at the division of labor in the home and how it might impact a woman’s sexual desire for her husband. Specifically, the study used two online surveys to ask women about three things: 1) their sexual desire for their husband (the study utilized heterosexual couples), 2) the division of household labor and how they felt about that division, and 3) how dependent they felt their spouse was on them. Household labor in this study fell into one of several categories including finances, social planning, cleaning, clothing care, food (shopping, prepping, cooking), outdoor maintenance, house and car maintenance, general decision-making, childcare, initiating discussions, and contacting people.

Interestingly, the results revealed that women who did the lion’s share of the household labor had a decreased sexual desire. However, that decrease in sexual desire did not occur simply because they did more of the work. The decreased sexual desire seemed to arise because of two factors associated with doing the lion’s share of the work:

  1. They felt it unfair that they did the majority of the work. The greater the perceived unfairness, the lower the sexual desire. In healthy marriages, both partners engage in the tasks necessary to maintain a home and family.
  2. They felt their partner was dependent on them. The greater the perceived dependence, the lower the sexual desire. To state this in a different way, women want to be their husband’s wife, not their mother. They want a partner, not a child they have to care for. The more of the household labor a woman does, the more she feels like the caretaker, the mother…not the wife.

Men, if you want a healthy, satisfying life of sexual intimacy in your marriage, do your share of the housework. Women, if you want a healthy, satisfying life of sexual intimacy in your marriage, let your husband do their share of the housework. Men and women, if you want a healthy, satisfying sex life in your marriage, acknowledge what your spouse does to maintain your home and family. If you struggle to divide the household labor equally…

  • Get curious about what you could do around the house. Remember, household chores involve more than mopping floors and washing dishes. It involves finances, social planning, cleaning, food shopping, cooking, childcare, decision-making, yard maintenance, house/car maintenance, and initiating discussions. It’s important that both spouses participate in household labor, not that the labor is divided between “male” and “female” duties. For instance, in our home it would not be surprising to see me (the male) washing dishes while my wife was painting the porch railing. The important factor is that both spouses are actively engaged in maintaining the home and family.
  • Sit down as a couple and discuss who does what and areas where you can both become actively involved. Ask your spouse what they would like you to do to help around the house. Ask them what you can do to “lighten their load” and work together to build the kind of home you both desire. Remember, you are a team of two adults building a home together.
  • Take action. Don’t just talk about what you can do. Do it. Get involved in the maintenance of your home and family life in ways you discussed.
  • Give thanks. Take the time to look for the ways in which your spouse is participating in the household tasks. Verbally acknowledge their effort and their involvement. Thank them for what they have done and continue to do. (If you wonder why you should thank your spouse for doing what they are supposed to do, read Why Thank Your Spouse for Doing Chores.)

Men, I want to add one, maybe two caveats to this. First, serving your wife and family through active involvement in household labor is almost a kind of aphrodisiac. I’m not talking about trading work for sexual intimacy. I’m talking about the way in which actively serving your wife through household labor reveals a love that will promote your wife’s sense of security and one which she will find attractive. So, forget the flowers and wash some dishes to reveal the full depth of your love. Even some products knew to use this idea in their advertisements.

Second, women are especially attracted to those who show kindness and affection to “their” children. Who isn’t? With that in mind, childcare is a crucial household task for men to participate in…and not just for your spouse. After all, they are your children too. You are their parent—their father. Change some diapers. Feed the baby. Take care of the children while your wife takes a break. Become actively involved in your children’s lives. Doing so is a part of the household labor your wife will love to see. And, you will cherish the time you spent with your children.

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Communicate Love, Even When You’re Mad

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If you live in a family, you know what it means to love someone and be angry with them at the same time. Unfortunately, anger often energizes our communication more than our love. In anger we express ourselves more intensely. The challenge when we are angry is to express our needs in a way that can reveal our love. One “formula” that can help with this involves stating our concern in this way:  “When _____________ happens, I feel ____________ and it would help me if you would ____________.” I can imagine the eyes rolling already. It’s true. This “formula” can work…but only if we follow a couple of crucial caveats that actually make it less formulaic. Let me explain.

First, the environment you have established in your home impacts its effectiveness. In order for this statement of concern to be most effective, you need to build an environment in which love, adoration, and gratitude are prominent. Take the time to tell your spouse how much you love them. Share moments of simple physical affection every day—a hug, a kiss goodnight, holding hands. Express words of love every day. Tell your spouse you love them. Verbalize what you admire about them.  Verbally express gratitude to your spouse every day. These simple daily actions build an environment in which your spouse knows you love them and are invested in your relationship with them. Now, when you raise a concern, it is embedded within an environment of love, admiration, and gratitude.

Second, the communication “formula” above is often encouraged to replace “you statements.” “You statements” generally end of contemptuous, blaming, and accusatory. “You make me so mad.” “You never help around here.” “You don’t know anything.”  They arouse the other person’s defensiveness in response to perceived accusations and blaming. The “formula” above easily slips into another opportunity to make “you statements” of blame and accusation. “When you don’t listen.” “When you leave dishes in the sink all the time.” Instead, we need to begin by giving an objective description of what bothers us and arouses negative feelings. Rather than blaming, describe. Rather than stating, “When you leave dishes in the sink all the time,” say “When I come home to dishes filling the sink,” or “When dishes overflow the sink.” These describe rather than blame.  Rather than “When you don’t listen,” say, “Sometimes when I’m talking to you, you look at your phone. That makes me wonder if you are listening.” It’s a longer statement, but more descriptive and less mindreading and less accusatory. It takes more effort and requires more thought, but it can help limit a response of defensiveness and encourage a greater ability to hear.

Third, “it would help me if you _________” is a statement of vulnerability. It states that we need something from our spouse. They can help us. It is difficult to express vulnerability. As a result, I’ve often heard this part of the statement given in a demanding manner or even made to sound like an ultimatum. “I need you to ________” or “it would help me if you __________ before I give up and leave.” Demands and ultimatums do not work. We connect in our vulnerabilities.

Finally, accept influence. In order to truly express love even when you’re angry, you have to allow the one you love to influence you. Accepting influence begins with the knowledge that your spouse has something important to say. Even though you disagree with them, they may have a good point, an important bit of information. They may even have it right while you have it wrong.  When you begin the discussion with the realization of your spouse’s wisdom, insight, and intelligence, you can more easily accept their influence. In addition, keeping your love for your spouse in mind allows you to accept influence simply because you love them.  Those that accept influence know that their love for their spouse is greater than their love of being right or their love of proving a point. That love leads to a willingness to accept influence.

Establish an environment of love, adoration, and gratitude. Describe rather than accuse or blame. Express your need from a place of vulnerability. Accept influence. These 4 practices will turn the “formula” described above into a tool of deeper communication and express love, even in the midst of anger.

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The Key to Happiness for You & Your Family

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Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz authored a book entitled The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness.  One of the authors (Waldinger) is the current director of the ongoing and longest-running study on happiness being conducted at Harvard. The study has been gathering data since the 1930’s. Throughout this study, one thing has continuously shown to “demonstrate its broad and enduring importance” to happiness. What is it? Good relationships. It’s true. Relationships contribute to happiness more than achievement, money, or health. We are a people designed for relationships. Healthy relationships make us happy. So, if you want to be happier, nurture your relationships.

I suggest that you start by nurturing a healthy relationship with your spouse. Invest in your marriage. You can nurture your marriage by:

  • Looking for and telling your spouse things you adore and admire about them.
  • Talking about your day with your spouse.
  • Expressing gratitude to your spouse for all they do for you, your family, and your home.
  • Sharing a hug and a kiss every time you separate and reunite…and sometimes just because you love them.
  • Accepting influence from your spouse. Men, be the leader in accepting influence (AKA-submission) in your family.
  • Going on a date, even if it’s a “stay-at-home date” (sometimes they’re the best).
  • Praying for one another.

Invest in your relationship with your children as well.

  • Make the time to engage your children every day. You might engage them in a conversation or in a game. However you choose to do it, make time for your children every day.
  • Be curious about their interests and dreams. Nurture and support those interests.
  • Learn about the friends in your children’s lives. Also learn about those peers who grieve them somehow.
  • Share appropriate physical affection with your children.
  • Let your children live their dreams. In fact, support and encourage those dreams.
  • Pray for your children.

Invest in your relationship with your parents.

  • Enjoy time with your parents. Visit them. Talk with them on the phone.
  • Share your dreams for the future with your parents.
  • Listen to their stories of the past…and learn from those stories.
  • Give your parents a hug.
  • Pray for your parents.

Your spouse and your family cannot provide all the relationships you need. Invest in your relationships with friends.

  • Make time to get together with friends.
  • Go on double dates.
  • Get your families together.

Relationships are the spice of life…and they begin in the family. Nurture your relationships to nurture your happiness. And, when you start in the home, you’re also nurturing the happiness of your spouse and your children.

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Will Becoming a Parent Strengthen or Weaken Your Marriage

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Will becoming a parent strengthen or weaken your marriage? Well, it depends. Becoming a parent carries a great deal of responsibility. It demands our time and our efforts. It occupies our mind 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It’s no wonder then, that the demanding responsibilities of becoming a parent can either strengthen or weaken our marriages. Why does it strengthen some and weaken others? What makes the difference?  More importantly, how can we make sure that parenting will strengthen our marriages and not weaken them? Those are good questions. Here are five aspects of parenting that will determine whether becoming a parent strengthens or weakens your relationship to your spouse, the “love of your life.”

  • Your ability to accept your differences. Let’s face it. No one marries a clone of themselves. (And really, who would want to?) You are different than our spouse. All that being said, you and your spouse will likely have some different ideas when it comes to parenting. You will have different ways of interacting with your children. For instance, men often tend to engage in more rough-and-tumble play while women often seem more nurturing and comforting. Sure, men comfort and women play, but generally speaking, men and women engage their children differently. And our children benefit from both types of interactions. Accept those differences.
  • Your ability to compromise. You and your spouse have different backgrounds. You likely experienced different styles of parenting when you were growing up in your respective homes. Discuss those differences in parenting ideology. Share your ideas with one another. Then, compromise. Yes. Compromise. Pick the best of both styles of parenting and compromise. If you struggle to compromise, seek advice from a mentor or counselor.
  • Your ability and determination to support one another. Becoming a parent can arouse every insecurity you ever had. You will likely second guess yourself and wonder if you’re doing the right thing or not. And sometimes you will make mistakes. (Fortunately love covers a multitude of mistakes.) When you have doubts, find a quiet place with your spouse and ask them for input. And if you disagree with something your spouse does as a parent, don’t disagree and fight about it in front of your children. Instead, find a quiet place where you can talk with your spouse one-on-one about what happened. Share ideas. Come up with a plan of how you can both respond “the next time” a similar situation arises. In other words, support one another. Invest as a couple 100% but agree that when one needs a rest, the other will “pick up the slack.” Work together. Compliment. Encourage. Support one another.
  • Communicate. All three of the suggestions so far involve one thing: Communication. Learn to communicate with your spouse in a respectful, loving way. Approach with love. Speak gently and calmly. Listen intently and fully. Communication is the heart of a life-long marriage.
  • Invest in your marriage. It is easy to get so caught up in raising children that your marriage “gets put on the back burner.” Don’t let that happen. One of the greatest gifts you can provide for your children is a happy marriage. Let them bear witness to your love. Allow them to see you give your spouse a simple hug and kiss…often. Let them hear you tell your spouse, “I love you” every day. Sure, they will say “Ewww.” But knowing you love one another will also provide them with a sense of security. So, plan regular date nights. Take time to encourage your children to “entertain themselves” while you and your spouse talk about the day. Let your children know that your spouse is your first love and will continue to be your love, even after they have “flown the coup.”  Invest in your marriage.     

Will becoming a parent strengthen or weaken your marriage? It depends on your intentional effort to accept your differences, compromise, support one another, communicate, and invest in your marriage. Practice wisely and give your children the precious gift of witnessing their parents in a stronger, healthier marriage.

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Tempted to Cheat? Take a Walk in Their Shoes

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Why do people cheat on their spouse? Often times a person who cheats is tired, drunk, distracted, or in some other way emotionally and/or mentally depleted. Still no excuse, right? But it points out the importance of taking care of yourself to limit the temptation. Some researchers suggest men cheat more often in response to perceived unmet sexual needs while women cheat in response to perceived unmet emotional needs. So, spending time with one another to enjoy emotional as well as sexual intimacy can help decrease the temptation of cheating. 

A study from the University of Rochester suggests another way to reduce the temptation to cheat. In this study, 408 participants, all from heterosexual and monogamous relationships of at least 4 months, “evaluated, encountered, or thought about attractive strangers while psychologists recorded their expressions of interest in the strangers as well as their commitment to and desire for their current partners.” Based on their findings, the researchers found that actively considering how their romantic partner might be affected by an affair encouraged them to control their attraction and temptation. Taking their spouse’s perspective motivated the participants to have compassion for their partner’s emotions and then seek to strengthen the bond with their partner, strengthening their current relationship.

In other words, taking your spouse’s perspective will not only lessen your desire to cheat, but it will also boost your marriage by motivating you to seek ways to strengthen your relationship with your spouse. Sounds obvious, doesn’t it? But how often do you intentionally take the time to consider your actions from your spouse’s perspective? I encourage you to take some time to walk in your spouse’s shoes. Do it often, regularly. See your actions and your words through your spouse’s eyes…not what you want them to see but what they might actually see. You might be surprised at your growing desire to invest in your relationship as a result of what you see through their eyes. Even better, you’ll be surprised by the growing intimacy and love you experience with your spouse.

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Laugh, a Simple & Free Tool for Intimacy

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I really like this quote from Natalie Dattilo, an instructor of psychology in Harvard Medical School’s Psychiatric Department: “Health car is expensive. If we can find a tool that is as simple as laughter, that is free for the most part, with no side effects and has no contraindications, that would be really great.”  In fact, we have found the tool of laughter…if we would only utilize it. After the quote, the author described a study from 2011 that showed laughter had a pain-relieving effect. Why not use laughter to help decrease pain? Laughter has also been shown to decrease help regulate anxiety and stress.

Interesting to me, the author referenced a study published in 2004 which revealed that a psychotherapist and patient would laugh about 2 times every five minutes during a 50-minute therapy session. When they laughed, they both showed increases in the part of the nervous system controlling blood pressure and heart rate. Moreover, when they laughed together, it was perceived as validation and brought greater intimacy. 

I know our family relationships are different than a therapy-patient relationship. However, if laughter can bring therapist and patient together in shared validation and intimacy, just think what it might do for our families. By creating times of shared laughter in our families, we can help reduce anxiety, validate one another, and draw closer in relationship to one another. Accomplishing all that in an anxiety-ridden, invalidating, isolating world is “nothing to laugh at.” So, starting today, create the opportunity to laugh as a family.

  • Tell some corny “Dad jokes.” Of course, everyone will moan…but not before they smile, giggle, or laugh.
  • Watch a comedy together. You can watch a sitcom or a movie comedy. Enjoy the laughter.
  • Look for the humorous in the world around you. We tend to see the sad, the traumatic, the dangerous. The news and fundraising campaigns often focus on those aspects of life. But the funny and the humorous are all around us. Watch funny cat videos (my wife loves those) or simply look for the funny images in the world around you. You’ll find them…and you’ll enjoy the laughter.
  • Laugh at yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Enjoy a laugh or two over the silly things you do. I have to admit, sometimes I do the silliest things–like searching for my glasses when they’re in my pocket or looking for my phone while talking to a friend on my phone. Enjoy a laugh about the silly things you do.

Next time you’re feeling disconnected from your family, find a way to laugh with them. Laughter is a simple tool that is free and has no side effects or contraindications. Enjoy laughter with your family and you might just find yourself feeling closer than you ever did before.

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Have a Conversation & Call Me in the Morning…Doctor’s Orders

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All of us want to enjoy a happy, low stress life. Perhaps even more, we want our children to have a happy, low stress life. I’d like to say if found a way to make that happen 100% of the time…unfortunately, I can’t.  But a recent study suggests that one simple activity, done on a daily basis, will lead to a greater sense of well-being, reduced stress and greater happiness. 

The study involved 900 participants and revealed that engaging in one quality conversation during the day led to a greater sense of well-being at the end of the day. If the person engaged in more than one quality conversations during the day, they experienced an even greater sense of well-being.  Not surprisingly, “face-to-face” communication was more closely related with well-being than electronic or social media contact. A quality conversation may include catching up with a friend, joking around, listening, discussing a meaningful topic, sharing opinions in a manner to promote mutual understanding, or offering sincere compliments. With this information in mind, how can you encourage daily conversation for your family members? After all, doing so will contribute to a greater sense of well-being for your spouse and children.

First, enjoy conversation within your family. I know it sounds obvious but talk to one another every day. Talk about your day, current events, or future plans. Share your fear, joys, sorrows, and moments of pride with one another.  Remember, you don’t need to agree to have a quality conversation. You do need to listen, understand, appreciate, and accept.

Second, encourage friendships. Allow your family to get involved in various groups in which they can develop friendships. Your children and your spouse (even you) will benefit from opportunities to have meaningful relationships and meaningful conversations outside the home. To help your child do this, you may become their friendship coach.

Pretty simple, right? Enjoy conversations within your family. Encourage friendships in which family members can enjoy conversations with those outside your family. As the authors of this study said, the “more you listen, the more you show you care, the more you take time to value other people’s opinions, the more you connect, the better you… will feel at the end of the day….” and so will your family.

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Avoid the Big AND the Subtle Phub

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Smartphones are endemic in our society today…and they impact our marriages and families. For example, we can “phub” our spouse and family with our smartphones, sometimes in very subtle ways. “Phubbing”—that is “snubbing” another person by focusing on our phone when in the midst of interacting with them. One survey found that 46% of the adult respondents reported experiencing phubbing from their spouse. I’m actually surprised it’s that low.

Phubbing can occur in more ways than one. Obviously, when your spouse or family member pulls out their cellphone to respond to a notification during your time together, you’ve been phubbed. Or, vice versa, when you pull out your smartphone to respond to that “important” email, you have just phubbed your family. 

But there are more subtle ways of phubbing as well. For instance, one study had participants share a restaurant meal. Some shared a meal with their phones on the table and others shared a meal with no phone on the table. Those who had their phone on the table enjoyed the restaurant meal LESS. The phones on the table led to greater distraction and less enjoyment with friends or family. In other words, just having your phone visible is a subtle form of phubbing your family.

Another study allowed participants to sit behind a person in a video and put themselves in that person’s shoes. They could see the face of the person interacting with them in this digital format. The person who was interacting with them put their phone on the table. From there, they either ignored their phone, occasionally looked down and swiped, or picked it up and answered. The greater the intensity of phubbing, the more distance the participant reported. They reported they felt like they “didn’t belong,” like they weren’t important enough to attend to. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my spouse or family to feel that way.  (Both studies are briefly described in Smartphones, Phubbing, and Relationship Satisfaction.)

So what do we do to protect our family from phubbing? Here are a couple of ideas.

  • First, and foremost, model a “no-phubbing policy” by applying these ideas to yourself. Our children, in particular, learn more from our example than our teaching.
  • When eating dinner, put the phones in the different room, away from the table. This will likely arouse some discomfort and desire to look at the phone at first, a “fear of missing out” (FOMO) on something important during the mealtime. But everyone will get used to setting the phone aside and enjoying one another’s company. After all, isn’t enjoying our family one of the most important things we don’t want to miss out on?
  • When you go out to dinner, leave the phones in your car, your purse, or your pocket. Do not look at them while you are out. This may mean having conversations or playing simple games while waiting for your food. It may lead to greater intimacy as you gain knowledge about one another’s day, dreams, goals, etc., through conversation.
  • If another family member picks up their phone in mid-conversation, stop talking until they reestablish eye contact. If they say you can continue while they “just answer this text,” politely tell them you’ll be glad to wait until they are finished and can fully attend to your interaction because they are important to you.
  • Enjoy family “tech-free” times—an hour or two or three or even a full day together engaging in an activity with no cellphone interaction.
  • When you feel bored, don’t pull out your phone and play a game. Instead, let your mind wander and daydream.
  • Allow your family member time to respond when you call or text them. Allow for the possibility that they are busy, in the midst of some activity or interaction, and just cannot respond immediately. After all, you and you’re learning to manage your phone’s influence more effectively. This will apply when someone is out with friends as well.

In many ways, these ideas simply represent taking “microvacations” from your phone, but they cause me to reminisce. Remember the days before smartphones. People called and perhaps no one was in the home to answer. The caller simply left a message. We retrieved those messages at a later time. Everyone survived. Everyone enjoyed the day even though we might be “receiving an important message” at any moment. There was no expectation of an immediate response or a need to know immediately. We patiently waited and enjoyed the moment knowing the message would be there when we got to it. Perhaps we can bring some of that mentality (a mentality of patience and a priority that focused on the current face-to-face interaction) back into our families.

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Feeling Stressed? Try Gratitude

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Many people minimize the power of gratitude. “Just be thankful.” Sounds too simplistic, right? Besides, encouraging an “attitude of gratitude” has become a platitude, just another cliché to say when things are tough. Still, gratitude is powerful. It’s not a cure-all, but it can help. In fact, gratitude may be what you need to reduce the stress in your marriage and family.

A study carried out at the Irish University of Maynooth suggests that gratitude will help you and your family react with less stress AND recover more quickly from stress. Specifically, gratitude predicted lower systolic blood pressure in response to a stress arousing experience in this study. A lower systolic blood pressure contributes to a lower risk of stroke or heart attack. In other words, if you want a family that manages stress more effectively and recovers more quickly from stressful events, make gratitude a daily practice in your family. If you’re not sure how to make gratitude a daily practice, here are three ideas to get you started.

  • Start a gratitude photo album on your phone.  Every day, take a picture of something for which you are grateful. In fact, take two or three photos a day of things for which you are grateful. Store them on your phone in an album entitled “Grateful.” When you’re feeling blue or stressed, flip through the photos. While you’re at it, randomly share a photo of gratitude with your family.  Share your gratitude pics anytime you feel the urge. They will be your “random expressions of gratitude.”
  • Engage in intentional expressions of gratitude as well. Intentionally watch for opportunities to express gratitude to your spouse, your children, and your parents. Obviously, you can thank them for the extraordinary things they do. However, make it a point to thank them for the mundane as well—like doing the laundry, cleaning their room, playing quietly, watching a movie with you, doing their chores. Don’t stop with your family. Thank the clerk at the checkout counter, your postal worker, the guy who holds the door for you, your waiter…. You get the idea. Offer thanks every chance you get. Not only will you enjoy the benefits of gratitude, you’ll be modeling a lifestyle of gratitude for your children as well.
  • End the day with gratitude. Each evening take time to review your day and write down three things for which you are grateful. Push yourself to think of something different every day. It will be easy at first, but you’ll soon find yourself thinking more deeply to identify things for which you are grateful. You’ll begin to see a whole new world of gratitude open up as you dig deep to find those things for which you can give thanks.

As you and your family develop the practice of giving thanks, you’ll discover that family stress decreases. You’ll also learn that when stress does arise, you manage it better and recover more quickly. And that is something to be thankful for.

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“Ping…” “Zoom…” “Plop…”

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You can hear it wherever you go…ping, ping, ping. The group text messages pour in while discussing the current topic…ping, ping, ping. Emails, mostly spam and a few of import, arrive…ping, ping. Someone’s at the front door and your Ring notifies you…ping, ping, ping. Instagram, reels, ping, ping, ping.  Push notifications can constantly invade our lives.  In the process, we become conditions to feel an edge of excitement because “we got mail” or some other important, funny, nonsensical, interesting input. In fact, we feel the same pleasurable excitement that a person who gambles feels at the sight of a poker machine. And when the cell phone “pings,” our attention goes “zoom,” right out the window. The constant “pings” and pull of the cellphone distract us from whatever task we have at hand. Some studies even suggest that the average person checks their phone (ping, ping) around 85 times a day! That’s once every 15 minutes that our attention is distracted from the task at hand. Unfortunately, with the constant checking and pulling of the cellphone, our mood can go “plop.” Stress and “FOMO” (Fear Of Missing Out) increase as does our sense of sadness, loneliness, and depression.

Maybe we can just turn our phone on “silent.” Then we won’t hear the “ping, ping, ping.” Unfortunately, we remain conditioned to the expectation of a reward each time we look at our phone—a new reel to see, a new funny cat video, another email, an Instagram to catch our fancy, a tweet from a friend. The silent ping has caught our attention and, “zoom,” we find ourselves distracted, our mind wandering to the question, “Have I gotten another message?” “Zoom,” we set aside the task at hand and off we go to check our phone. It’s a powerful call isn’t it? You may even feel that call as you read this.

All these interruptions can leave us with a mood “plop,” an increased feeling of stress and “FOMO.” They contribute to our procrastination and decrease our productivity. These constant interruptions distract from our family. “Plop”—increased stress, FOMO, more procrastination, less productivity, and distracted from family. So, what do we do? We have to learn to better manage our technology.

  • Turn off as many push notifications as you can. Rather than receiving notifications of every tweet, every text, every message, every Instagram, every…you get the idea…set aside 2-3 periods of time to check and respond to them during the day. Perhaps you can check once in the morning, once during lunch, and once before bed…you can determine the times that work best for you.
  • Put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” during sleep time. Only allow numbers you may need for emergencies open to notification through the night.
  • Train yourself to set aside your phone and focus on your work at hand. You may need to put your phone in a drawer to help you do this. If you worry about the messages you might miss (the “Fear Of Missing Out”), remember you will still view them later.

Don’t let the cell phone send you on a downward spiral of “Ping…Zoom…Plop.” Manage the technology in your life. In doing so, you’ll feel better. You will also model effective technology use to your children, which they may imitate in the long run and feel better as well.

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