“Looking for love in all the wrong places” seems an all-too-common practice today. I meet with many single people (teens, young adults, divorced adults, widow/widowers) who struggle to meet someone with whom they can develop a long-term, loving relationship. They often lack one key ingredient for a successful search: a sense of purpose. At least that is what a study by Isabella D’Ottone suggests. She created nine dating profiles and had 119 people rate those profiles on various measures of attractiveness. Four of those dating profiles revealed an orientation toward a sense of purpose—a prosocial orientation, a relationship orientation, a financial orientation, or a creative orientation. The other five did not reveal a sense of purpose.

Interestingly, those profiles that showed a sense of purpose were ranked higher on various scales of attractiveness. Did you get that? A sense of purpose is attractive.  As an added noted, raters ranked profiles even higher in attractiveness if they shared the same orientation or sense of purpose. For instance, those who had a social orientation as a sense of purpose rated those with a social orientation as even more attractive. It seems those with similar orientations are attracted to one another. There was one exception to the purposes proving attractive. I should note one caveat in the attractiveness of purpose. A financial orientation as a sense of purpose did not rate as high in attractiveness as the other areas (unless the person doing the rating also had a financial orientation).

So, if you’re looking for love, or know someone who is (like your teenage or young adult child), developing a sense of purpose will increase attractiveness. Apparently, a sense of purpose is “hot,” very attractive. And it attracts people with a similar sense of purpose and interests, contributing to a healthier, longer-lasting relationship. How can we help our family members develop a sense of purpose?

• Provide opportunities to explore the world and self. Traveling, spending time in nature, and experiencing different cultures all provide opportunities for people to learn about themselves and their interests.
• Engage in volunteer work. Meeting other people in meaningful service may reveal places in which our interests, strengths, and the needs of the world intersect. It opens the door to finding our purpose.
• Ask open-ended questions. Rather than asking “Did you have fun today?” ask “What did you enjoy the most about our trip?” Instead of “You really like soccer, don’t you?” ask “What is it that you enjoy about soccer?” Open-ended questions like these allow for greater discussion. They allow our children (of all ages) to explore their feelings and beliefs about various experiences, situations, and opportunities. 
• Accept opportunities to try something new AND fail. It’s alright to not excel at everything. It’s good to recognize the learning curve inherent in almost everything. Accept failure as an opportunity to learn and grow. Take time to talk about the experience and what it teaches about interests, skills, values, practice, and persistence.
• Find positive role models of purpose. Of course, you are the first role model for your children. Let them witness you living a life of purpose. Introduce them to other people who live lives of purpose—coaches, teachers, ministers, community workers, builders, etc. You can also encourage them to read about historic figures who live lives of purpose or point out celebrities (athletes, musicians) who live lives of purpose beyond their celebrity fame. 

When you help your teen or young adult discover their purpose, you also help them grow in attractiveness. You increase the chance of them finding a romantic partner who has similar interest. You establish a healthier foundation for a life-long relationship filled with intimacy and joy.