Disagreements. They are inevitable in marriages and families. Arguments. Happen all the time in marriages and families. But they escalate when we get louder and more animated, talking over one another in our efforts to be heard and understood. Unfortunately, loud and animated does not result in being heard or understood. It results in escalating frustration and anger. But there is an option, a solution to the ever-rising tension of disagreements that goes round and round without accomplishing anything. The solution is nothing new, but it bears repeating often: Listen, Breath, Summarize.

• Listen. Don’t try to figure out your response. Don’t listen to find a flaw in the other person’s logic. Simply listen to understand what the other person is saying. Listen intently to intent and meaning behind their words. Listen to the emotions that are motivating the words. Sometimes our emotions get tangled up in our words and what we really mean doesn’t get communicated clearly. So, listen closely to understand what the person really means, what they intend to say. This will demand listening with your ears (for their words), your eyes (for their body language), your heart (for their emotions), and your mind (for the intent & meaning).
• Breath. As you listen, breathe. Breathing will help you remain calm and better able to listen and understand. Then, before you respond to what they have said, breathe. Take a breath and make sure you’re calm. Take a breath to make sure they have said what they want to say.
• Summarize. Now, before you offer your side of the story, your perspective of the situation, summarize what the other person has said. Summarize your understanding of their perspective, including their emotions and intent. Make sure they know you understand. If they say, “Yes, that’s right,” then you can offer your response. If they say, “Well…,” then you need to listen, breath, and summarize again.

Listen. Breath. Summarize. It communicates that we love enough to set aside our own agenda for a moment to understand our spouses, our children, our parents. It means we love enough to give our time and our attention. It means we value them and their input. It means we want to know our family better, connect more intimately with them, and show our love for them in even the “small ways” of listening, breathing, and summarizing.